Male role models

Connie - posted on 03/10/2009

Hi Lisa -- just came across your post, and I don't know if you've figured out something but thought I'd share my experience...  I don't know if this will work long term or will even be needed long term, but when my son started getting physically angry with me (once or twice a week... it just boiled over for him, I guess), I started to ask him if he needed to wrestle.  He now says yes almost every time, and I try to immediately wrestle with him (interesting -- he's almost 6, I'm 40, and I think the wrestling thing is innate to men, but not to me-- but I do my best).  After about 5 minutes or so even the worst anger has absolutely vanished and we can deal with the real issues much easier.  Actually now that it is routine he usually lets the anger go as soon as I ask him -- just the anticipation of the wrestling must be a powerful thing!  Like I said, I don't know how long it will last, but this is one way I can mimic what his dad would have been doing with him at this age... and gives him the appropriate "out" to be able to deal!   I started this after realizing all of my married friends had husbands who regularly wrestled with their sons and even their daughters... regularly!!!  Just a way to bond physically, which I understand is ever so important to boys.

I too don't have close male friends for him to be with regularly, although he has a lot of men in our family and at church who tussle with him when they see him,,, it just isn't often enough or close enough, I think.

Just my recent experience...

Trish - posted on 01/27/2009

I have been dealing with the same thing this week, although Peter was older when his dad died. I have several friends who have been able to step in when I need help with him, or just when I need a break. His teachers & counsellor at school have been wonderful. I even have a few friends who will help with discpline when I have been worn out. He does well in boy scouts & church. I believe, especially recently, that his behavior stems from missing his dad & not knowing how to deal with it, or not consciously being aware that this is the problem. His counsellor at school has a feelings thermometer which I am planning on posting on his bedroom door so he can rate 1-10 how he is feeling, which may help me in stopping the behavior & also my reaction to it. I feel bad punishing him if he is acting out since he misses daddy, but I still can't let it go totally. Sometimes I find that if I verbalize and comment or ask about him missing daddy he agrees & seems to realize that this is the cause of his behavior. Once there is a name to it, he can settle down a little. Good luck.

Tammie - posted on 01/24/2009

Lisa,

As a mom and a teacher I can say - boys needs definite boundaries.  My teenage son has been much more difficult than my daugher after my husband died.  Girls talk and cry, boys act like nothing is wrong and behave badly.  Life is out of control and your discipline (setting boundaries, following through on consequences, etc.) provides a feeling of safey and security.  Mimicing bad behavior can also show kids just how they are behaving.  Many kids are appauled by what they see and stop, depends on the kid. 

I also know that some days I'm too sad or tired to be Super Nanny (awesome show by the way :) and bad behavior goes unpunished.  We do our best though, right?!  Take care and Keep us posted.

Tammie - posted on 01/24/2009

Lisa,

As a mom and a teacher I can say - boys needs definite boundaries.  My teenage son has been much more difficult than my daugher after my husband died.  Girls talk and cry, boys act like nothing is wrong and behave badly.  Life is out of control and your discipline (setting boundaries, following through on consequences, etc.) provides a feeling of safey and security.  Mimicing bad behavior can also show kids just how they are behaving.  Many kids are appauled by what they see and stop, depends on the kid. 

I also know that some days I'm too sad or tired to be Super Nanny (awesome show by the way :) and bad behavior goes unpunished.  We do our best though, right?!  Take care and Keep us posted.

Tammie - posted on 01/24/2009

Lisa,

As a mom and a teacher I can say - boys needs definite boundaries.  My teenage son has been much more difficult than my daugher after my husband died.  Girls talk and cry, boys act like nothing is wrong and behave badly.  Life is out of control and your discipline (setting boundaries, following through on consequences, etc.) provides a feeling of safey and security.  Mimicing bad behavior can also show kids just how they are behaving.  Many kids are appauled by what they see and stop, depends on the kid. 

I also know that some days I'm too sad or tired to be Super Nanny (awesome show by the way :) and bad behavior goes unpunished.  We do our best though, right?!  Take care and Keep us posted.

Teri - posted on 01/21/2009

Unfortunately, my son who is 3 seems to have attached himself to his Uncle Dave. Dave says that he is happy and proud to move into the male role model for Luca as he is his godfather, and coincindently has three daughters. So right now it is a win win situation for both of them.

Teri

Angie - posted on 01/19/2009

I had the same problem with my 6yr old. He just turned 5 when my husband was killed. He did the same exact things your son is doing. I have put my foot down but it never seems to help very long. As he gets older he is getting better about the tantrums, but not very well with the language. I think part of my sons behavior was anger and part due to not having a male role model. One person told me last year that I should consider anger management for him. I just laughed at them and told them seriously, he just lost his dad how should he act? The only thing I have found to be positive is correcting the way I react to the behavior. If I stay calm and don't yell after a week or so I can see a change in his behavior. My son also had behavior problems at school. His 1st grade teacher is awesome. She had made the rules very clear. The school counselor also talked with him. He has always referenced his dad, but never said how he really felt. She has got him to open up about his feelings and how to deal with the anger he has. That seemed to help him out a lot. I don't really have any advice in the male role model department since I have the same problem. So, I guess my advice is to stay calm and maybe that will help him deal with issues in a positive way.

Pati - posted on 01/15/2009

Hi Lisa

Are there any men in your life, relatives or close friends that could spend time with him? How about sports? I found that my daughters coach at the gym has been very helpful with her. I would put my foot down real quick on the hitting, kicking and swearing at you. If you don’t nip it in the bud it will blossom and it will be worse. Does he have any friends who have GREAT dads? maybe they could help a bit and have him over sometimes. Don’t give up on finding a way to reach him and get him on his good behavior.

Michele - posted on 01/13/2009

Hi Lisa!! (side note: great pic!!!) Ok, have you tried the Boy Scouts, Boys & Girls Club or anything like that?? I'm at a loss with this because my bro-in-law is awesome & so is my dad. Maybe another Mom will have more insight. Sorry