Newest member of the club none of us wanted to be part of

Tracy - posted on 01/22/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hello I'm 35 yr old stay home mom of three age 3, 6, 9. Lost my husband of 10 1/2 yrs unexpectedly 5 months ago (august 08). I still wear my wedding rings and now his too. I get asked all the time how long I plan on wearing them? I guess I will know or get a feeling of when it feels right to do so.

All couples who've been together a while have his friends, her friends and their together friends. Some of jim's closest friends and a lot who were our "couple" friends have TOTALLY disappeared from all of our lives and this hurts, not only me but the kids who've grown attached to some of them. Do you think a lot of it is because people just really don't know what to say, or is it just that they feel talking about him or reconnecting with me and the kids will make us sad, bringing up his name or old memories ----hurt and at a loss here.

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Teri - posted on 01/26/2009

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Hello Tracy, I have entered this site not too long ago as well and I have found it to be quite a help to me. Acknowledgement of feelings, emotions, and thoughts it reassuring to me. I still wear my wedding rings. I recently lost the diamond out of my second engagement ring (he gave to me after our second baby and our fifth anniversary) three days after Christmas I found it in the diaper stack, I know he put it there for me. My friend who lost her husband over 4 years ago still wears her rings, and she has moved into another relationship. My first engagement ring is on our oldest daughters hand, she always loved it so when her fiance was looking I gave it to him. He was so surprised, but she is happiest with that one. When I look down at my hand and see those rings it is a reminder of not only him, but our lives together, I am so not ready to see that missing. My children range in age from 26 to three and there are 6 of them, I also think that they are comforted with me having them on. You will know when the time is right.

It is difficult to lose contact with the people you were comfortable with when you were a couple, I have come to the conclusion that they are the ones that are uncomfortable, after all, seeing you not only reminds them that someone they cared about is gone, but also a fear of it happening to them is more real seeing you alone. I have a few couple friends that always include me, and I am grateful, however, sometimes it is I who bails out. I am so sorry that people disappear as their support is so needed they just don't understand. To them life goes on even though it seems that ours has stopped. I feel that most people don't want to cause you more pain, however they do not realize that talking about that loved one, or sharing memories even though there are tears is a good thing and a way to move through the grieving process. I wish your family well, I realize everyday what you are going through. I hope I have helped some.

Teri

"I'll cry, or maybe someday stop, or just run out of tears."

"Wait for me, I'll be there soon."

Marti - posted on 02/06/2009

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Hi all! This was a major question that I tossed around and around.....I did take my rings off and put them in a safe deposit box. Gus passed away March27, 08 after a 6month battle of Leukemia. He was able to get out of the hsptl for 5days in Feb during that time he took my old ring to the mall 'saying he was going to get it cleaned for me' then came back with the same ring just bigger diamonds! I was shocked.....but now I have a hard time wearing it. I've tucked is away for my daughter. I had a hard time wearing nothing on my finger......since I've got kids I wear the ring when we were dating.

Tammie - posted on 01/25/2009

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Tracy - glad I could help.  I bet the guys would love to take your kiddos hunting.  Maybe you could ask the friend you feel most comfortable with.  I was thinking that some couples might feel weird now that you are a single lady again - especially in Christian circles.  I quit wearing my wedding ring pretty quickly because people/my students were always commenting on my ring.  I couldn't take talking about it so much.  Wear the rings as long as you want - :).  We all deal differently and you're still in "the fog" time.  Take care and God Bless.

Tracy - posted on 01/24/2009

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Tammie - Thanks that DID help  A L O T !   Guess I was still taking things a little too personal.  My hubby and friends were all same age as yours so I  Know you KNOW!  I guess I was just hoping some or at least the few closest ones would be there for a sort of "big brother" or mentoring role to our son, (they were all involved in hunting/ fishing). I think this is something I will let them approach though and not try to "push" on any of them,  YOU THINK?   And just as you said, My CHURCH family has been the BEST, the closest, the most amazing and the most helpful.  I don't know how people survive this without the Lord in their life, and a strong/ close knit church family of support.  Thanks for sharing.



 

Tammie - posted on 01/24/2009

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Hi Tracy - I experienced this same thing.  My kids are 15 and nearly 18 now; my husband and I were married two weeks shy of 20 years.  Friends and families at church were amazing - they couldn't do enough.  My husband had a long time friend who was so upset that he wouldn't look at his wife when she told him.  He wouldn't talk about it and I just received a Christmas card this year from his wife saying she would like to get together.  Because our hubbies were young, mine was 46, I think it causes the guys to freak out.  Mortality becomes  a little too real.  I know I tend to avoid people who have had tradjedies (cancer mainly) because it makes me so sad.  Everyone deals with grief differently.  I found that I had to take charge, be the one who made phone calls or did the inviting.  People are nervous and they don't want to be pests or insensitive - so they retreat.  I'm finding that friends (who have been MIA) are starting to feel more comfortable as time goes by.  Facebook has been a part of that!





Does this help?  I hope so - take care and take charge! :)

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Stephanie - posted on 02/04/2009

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i wonder about that too. my hu died 6yrs ago. i think it is that they too are mourning and dont have to deal with it on an everyday basis, so if they can avoid dealing with it they do. unfortunatley one way to "not deal with it" is to distance themselves. i still wear my rings, just on the other hand.

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