Recently Widowed

Ami - posted on 03/26/2009

I lost my husband 3 years ago this June.  He went into cardiac arrest and never woke up.  He was 40 I was 28 and our daughter was 4 months.  We hadn't even been married a year!  I can't even begin to tell you how angry I was that my life had just begun and suddenly was taken away. 

He had been home with me when he went into cardiac arrest.  I kicked myself for a long time because I didn't know CPR.  It was one of those what if's that wouldn't go away.  Eventually I got over it.  It wasn't my fault.

My life has evolved since his death.  I'm a full time student now, studying to be a registered practical nurse and just last week I was CPR certified.  Life goes on, it's just in a different direction these days. 

I truly believe everthing happens for a reason.  Lord know what the reasons are but there are reasons.

Ami

Kristine - posted on 03/25/2009

Hi Crystal,

Thank you for your advice. That does help. I know you never truely get over the sadness it just lessons as time goes on. The kids and I talk frequently about the loss. In our situation the kids actually prayed the night before he died that he would be taken from us so he wouldn't suffer anymore. The next morning when they woke up he was gone. They felt as if their prayers were answered. It wasn't that they didn't want their dad anymore it was just awful seeing him suffer day in and day out. He wasn't eating or drinking fluids anymore and all he did was sleep. It was difficult just to give him his meds so he wouldn't be in any pain. Like you I am on anti-depressants. I started when he was diagnosed with the cancer. I knew I had to be strong not only for him but for the kids as well. They help. I think I would be a total wreck if I wasn't on them. If you ever need to talk just drop me a line.

Kristine

Crystal - posted on 03/25/2009

Hi Kristine,

I lost my husband of 20 years in August of 2008. He died very unexpectedly from a heart attack. I have two kids, a son age 16 and a daughter age 13. Even after 7 months, it feels like I am on a roller coaster. I have days when I feel good and days when the sadness overwhelms me. The best advice I can give is to stay busy. I work full time and when I am at work, my mind is busy and I don't have idle time to think. Time alone is the worst, because your mind wanders. My grief recently turned into depression, which sometimes happens and I was put on anti depressants and I can honestly say they have helped tremendously. My kids miss their dad alot, but I keep the lines of communication open and we talk about him. He may be gone, but he is not forgotten. Hope this has helped.

Kristine - posted on 03/24/2009

HI Cindy,

I am so sorry for your loss. How ironic we both lost are husband on the 8th just a month apart. My husband had malignant peripheral nerve sheath tumor. It started  in his right thigh and metastasized to his right elbow. He had 2 cycles of heavy chemo then surgery to remove the elbow and put in an artificial one and removed the tumor from his thigh. Then he had 40 sessions of radiation and the cancer to the arm came back so they amputated the right arm all the way to the shoulder. This started in oct 2006 then in in dec of 2007 we found out that the cancer went to his tailbone. In april 08 he had surgery to remove what they could of the tumor. Then in June of 08 he had emergency surgery for a ruptured colon not related to the cancer. By June we found out that the tumor was back in his tailbone and growing rapidly. He was confined to bed and could only go to the hospital by ambulance transport. By the end the cancer spread to his bladder, lungs, throat, and face. I have never seen such a horrible disease. It helps to have people to talk to. I am glad I was told about this sight. I have good days and bad. I know that we had time to grieve during the time are husbands were sick but it does not make it easier. I hope to talk with you again soon.

Please take care and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time.

Kristine

Cindy - posted on 03/24/2009

Hi Kristine and others

I too just lost my husband of 23 1/2 years to cancer on Feb 8th. We have 3 children; son 22, daughter 19 and daughter 11. He was 46 years old. Jeff was diagnosed at age 43 with Bladder cancer which then metastasized to his liver. He was at home with me and 2 of my children and I too, watched him take his last breath. Thank goodness for the support and love of my friends, old and new, who have really been there to help me get through this tough time. We all just need to band together through our difficult time...this site is a godsend. My best wishes are with all of you...

Kristine - posted on 03/23/2009

Shannon,

Thanks for the advice. Right now the kids are super excited. They just want to leave this house. We are still going to live in the same town but on the other side. I still want to be somewhat close to the cemetary and I don't want the kids to have to leave their schools and try to make new friends especially during this time. I will talk to u later.

Kristine

Shannon - posted on 03/23/2009

Hi Kristine. I know all about moving. UGGGH!! I thought moving would be good for us. It was for my daughter but not my son. I never thought I could do a move on my own or go on a road trip on my own, but I have. The only problem is, is that where we live now was where my husband and I were trying to leave, which we finally did, but 2 weeks lateris when he passed away. So I'm back to where we atrted from. God must have a plan for us. Eventually I will go back to where we wanted to be. I get very depressed at times, but I have to keep it up for the kids, I know you are busy so I hope to talk to you soon. And I know you did everything right in taking care of your husband. You are very strong.

Shannon

Kristine - posted on 03/23/2009

Hey Shannon,

I agree with you. My husband was a fighter until the very end. He was scared that we would give up on him. I kept assuring him that we would never do that. I told him if anything happened it was because of the cancer and nothing else. Towards the last month of his life all he did was sleep. And when he was awake he didn't make much sense or he would just stare off into space. It was difficult for him to focus. Hospice told me that when he didn't make sense it was due to the fact that he was replaying things that happened in his life. I learned a lot through hospice about the dying process. The hardest part for me was when things were going down hill I wanted him to go to the hospital so they could prolong his life. I had to learn to respect his wishes of no more doctors or hospitals. It was to painful for him to go to the hospital. One of the tumors had developed in his lower spine causing him to be paralyzed. In addition to the host of other problems he had. I think back and wonder did I do something wrong when I cared for him. But I do no that I did my very best to care for him and did things I never thought I could do. Well I have to go get packing we are moving at the end of the month. I hope by moving it will help my kids. They do not like living where we are at right now any longer. It's hard we expect to see the hospital bed in the living room everytime we come home or come down stairs. This is the good thing about renting we can find some place else to live. My kids are excited about a fresh start and a new chapter in our lives. Talk to you soon.

Kristine

Shannon - posted on 03/23/2009

Hey Kristine. I can't imagine watching someone suffer like your husband did. I'm so sorry. There are times I wonder in the last 2 weeks of my husbands life if he were suffering. He never told me because he would never let me know if he was feeling bad or if he was in any pain. He just dealt with it. I look back now and I could see different changes going on with him and there are times I truly beleive he knew he was dying. They say that some people know it is their time. My daughter said he had locked the bedroom door and she heard him talking to someone and there was no one in the room. And she also told me that she heard him say in his sleep "I'll see you in Heaven." The longer the period of time goes by the more I think about these things. Anyway I just wanted you to know that I'm here if you need to vent or whatever. Hope to talk to you soon.

Shannon

Kristine - posted on 03/23/2009

Thank kyou Shannon! I agree that there isn't alot of support out there and unless you have been through it no one knows truly how you feel. I watched my husband suffer for 2 years. In a sense our family was able to start the grieving process early. We knew with his cancer he had 1-5 years to live. Death is never easy whether you are prepared for it or not. Cancer is especially ugly. What makes cancer worse are the types that they do not know what to do with. I look forward to talking to you.

Kristine

Shannon - posted on 03/22/2009

Hi Kristine. I usually check my mail early in the mornings or at night. I believe it will be nice to have you to talk to. I really don't have alot of people in my life right now who can truly understand what it's like to go through this. I don't wish this upon anyone, but we all know that it is a part of life that we all eventually have to go through. I'm not sure if any of this is easier if it is prolonged or if it happens suddenly. When my Father passed away I was 18 yrs old. It was a long suffering and we went to the hospital daily and I knew he was in pain. And even though we knew it was just a matter of time it still hurt so much when he did pass away. Death hurts. I feel so much for the kids because I believe that they greive in their own way. And I am greiving in my way. So we are dealing with so many different emotions at one time including our own. They say God does not give us more than we can bear, but there are some days when I wonder how much more I can take. We have my husband's picture hanging up and as we go up or down the stairs we talk to him. In the beginning I couldn't even look at pictures of him without breaking down. And now if I stare too long an start remembering, I will cry. We will get through this I know. I just don't know how long it will take. Let's keep in touch through this website. Thanks for listening.

Shannon

Kristine - posted on 03/22/2009

Shannon,

Thank you for responding back to me. I am so sorry for your loss. I have thought to myself would it have been easier for him to pass quickly or to be grateful for the time that we had together. It is so hard to watch someone suffer the way he did. I am sure it was hard to watch your husband as well. It's ok that you do not have any advice just to talk to people that understand what I am going through helps. I just take it day by day. Some days are good others not so good. We have to ages in common with the kids. I have a 14 yr old and my daughter will be 11 at the end of the month. Plus I have a 17 and 9 yr old. Thanks again for responding hope to chat with you soon.

Kristine

Shannon - posted on 03/21/2009

Hey Kristine. I'm Shannon and I am so sorry for your loss and your children. I lost my husband of 16 yrs in August so it has almost been 7 months. We have 2 children. Our daughter is 14 and our son justed turned 11 in Feb. I can't imagine having to watch someone whom you love so much, suffer so much. My husband's death was unexpected. We had just made a big move because he was offered a great job. We were only in our new home for 2 weeks when he became ill and his liver and kidneys shut down. He collapsed on Friday evening and he passed away Sunday morning. The kids, myself and his family were there when he took his last breath. I miss him every minute of the day. If you ever want to chat I try to check notes here on a daily basis. It's very hard on the kids too. I know this. hang in there. I don't have any real advice because I'm still trying to figure this out. But I would love to listen.

Shannon