Are there other working moms who have husbands / partners who do not contribute to the household financially, physically, and emotionally?

Amy - posted on 08/08/2012 ( 32 moms have responded )

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If so how to you cope without completely resenting him / her and wanting to file for divorce every day? I recently had to get a second job by starting a consulting practice just to pay for daycare and every day items as well as get prepared for baby # 2 due in 5 weeks. I am exhausted, work 55-70 / hrs a week, do all the baby care for our almost 10 month old, take care of the animals, clean, laundry, shop, organize, pick up, drop off, dr visits, call in when our daughter is sick or try to make up time, and handle all of the debt owed from wedding and baby # 1, as well as make sure we have health coverage, baby sitters, and everything else. Every time I bring up a bill past due he looks at me like yeah - what do you want me to do about it, and he never picks up or helps clean. Instead he sits and watches TV for hours (seriously 4-8 or more a day). He does work but almost all of it goes to child support and he refuses to get a second job or even kick in any of the money he does get. (we have separate accounts because of his back pay owed). He has bought formula twice in 6 months, diapers once, and wipes once. He always has money for what he wants or needs and will spend hundreds on fireworks and on his 20 year class reunion but does not see the impact on us. As a matter of fact he told me I should have just not gone to the reunion with him because he had to spend money on my ticket and then he had to come home early to help carry the 10 month old and her stuff because it is getting very difficult for me, espeacilly later at night. He is still mad at me, even though I gave him the option to stay. That was five days ago and he is still yelling at me about it. Additionally he feels he does not have any responsibility towards medical bills for our daughter or my prenatal care, but yet I took care of payments for a surgey he had, his insurance for 2 years, and help pay for his perscription for blood pressure. I honestly resent him and want a divorce and have even starting resenting his 11 year old daughter because he did take care of her and his parents and family do a lot for her, even though he and her mom were never married or anything. I am so tired and worried about how much worse it will be when the second baby comes. I also know his family will not help and they have told me it is my responsibility and they were very mad at me for taking him off of my insurance plan and have not spoken with me since March. they feel my expectations are too high and I should just leave him alone. (Yes his mother said this to me). I always rely on my family and friends for help and it is just continueing to make me mad. I am already a single mother ad honestly it would be less stressful without him. Thoughts?

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Alexis - posted on 08/10/2012

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Why are you with him? It would be less stressful without him, your not getting any help and handling everything on your own anyways. I say tell him good bye!

Nikkia - posted on 09/29/2012

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Why pay for a daycare make him stop working sense his money aint use in the house anyway and keep his kids and if he cant do that he should move out and see how easy it is with still no money because child suppprt takes it all

Tia - posted on 09/24/2012

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You should take your in-laws advice and leave him alone. Completely. It sounds like you already know what you want to do & are looking for validation. If you are already doing it alone, do it alone. You don't need an adult child serving as a bad role model to your children. Good luck.

Bridgette - posted on 09/22/2012

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I was in a similar situation. It was a very unhealthy marriage and partnership. It was scary, but divorcing him was the solution. It has been a rough ride, but my kids and I all came out better with this decision. It has been 17 years since I left. He is now married and pulling these things on his current wife...some people never change:( Wish I had a better solution, but when communitcation doesn't exist, neither does a relationship.

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32 Comments

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Jay - posted on 02/27/2014

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Prayer and Counselling first! he needs to be around men who can influence him in a positive direction.

Ghazala - posted on 09/24/2013

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When i read your post, I feel its my life; only that my husband does all that - not support financially, physically, emotionally, watch TV for long hours, party with friends and spend all his money on himself - he is also verbally and emotionally, and at times physically abusive toward me. He calls me names in front of the neighbors, throws things at me and generally finds fault and taunts me for everything i do.

everyday, i try to find a reason for his behaviour - is it narcissistic persmonality disorder? is it adult ADHD? Some days I begin to think that he is being nothing but just a plain old bastard - he is using me for whatever he can get out of me.

so, yes, you walk out from there if you can please.

Amy - posted on 09/24/2012

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My husband very rarely contributes to the household either. I work and only bring home $900/month but I stretch it to make ends meet. I had words with my husband and he is contributing half of whatever the bill is that comes in. It may be possible that you two come to an agreement on what his portion of the bills are since he stays there and eats there.....he uses electricity and feeds himself so therefore he should be paying for some of the things in a home. I hope it helps you some....

Yolanda - posted on 09/19/2012

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I know something about this one. My husband of 28 years and I have gone over and over financial problems but nothing seemed to help. One day after being absolutely tired of looking at him staring at the television, I suggested to him to go back to school for something, at least this way he could get money from grants to help us out. Turns out because he is a veteran there is a program that pays him for going to school, now he has some type of income that helps. I know what you are feeling the difference is you are just starting your family and I have raised my kids, but I do know this, resentment will only build up and there will be a lot of things that you blame him for, justifiably so, but that does not help with the situation. If this man does not feel that he has a responsibility to you or your baby, then you just might have to hit him where it hurts. Just remember, you can do bad all by yourself and not have to hear someone yelling at you while doing it. As for his family, no disrespect intended, they do not have to sleep with this man, they are not going to see things your way, you are always going to be wrong in their eyes, but, take it from someone who has been in your shoes, I really would not care what they think, in fact, they can take him in while he pays you child support.

Haydee - posted on 09/17/2012

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I got stressed reading this. Leave him. Its like he' s no even there anyways. It sounds like you would be less stressed without him.

Darlene - posted on 09/14/2012

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let me say this you are a strong woman and i have no doubt you will do very well with out him, if he can't appreciate you now he never will -- he needs to go and you need to be happy because your attitude will effect your children.. i rather my child be in happy household without a male figure then in one with a sorry excuse of one. Children pick up on things very quickly so make a choice your children or him.

Coren - posted on 09/12/2012

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A man will only do what we allow him. He is not going to do anything because you can handle it on your own. Divorce I can't speak on but step up and lay down some rules, if he wish to leave then so be it. Don't make it easy for him anymore feed only yourself wash only for you and the baby. I would also ask him to pay back the money you paid for him when he was down. You can do so much better, trust me. Please pray about whatever you do, give it to God.

Brooke - posted on 09/11/2012

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I have to agree with the other comments made. I think it would be less stress on you to leave him and get the support you need. Then he has to contribure at least money or he goes to jail.

Maria Cecilia - posted on 09/07/2012

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im so sorry this is awful!! I would file for divorce, i know its easier said than done, but I think you would be happy and it would take a big weight off your shoulders.

Karen - posted on 09/04/2012

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I had much the same scenario... I divorced the slug in my life and am sooooooo much happier. Have a GREAT guy now. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Get a divorce and move on.

Mariska - posted on 09/04/2012

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Leave! Then he will have to pay for both kids and then you dont have to do 2jobs. He sounds like an idiot sorry. And why are you paying his bills? Hell NO kick him out hes not going to change

Ucrakmeup03 - posted on 08/31/2012

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Oh my lades... I definitely may not be the proper one but here it goes....

I was in a relationship with my children's father for 2 years.... and then we moved in together. Here is how it starts: After that, 1 yr later the fireworks started fuzzing on their own. 2 yrs into the relationship I became pregnant our first. He already had a 5 yr old with a previous 4yr breakup relationship.



I heard from his family and friends she was looney.... But I still kept that curiosity door open.



Do you really need to watch TV? If NO, - disconnect cable !!

His 11y old has nothing to do with him being an A@#$%^& !!

Do you really want to have another child with him, already facing these problems (BIG MISTAKE WE WOMEN MAKE)

He will never get another job knowing you will solve both your problems (Financially)

If he isn't financially helping out then he has out of pocket $ for his own insurance.

His family will not care for help him, not even allow him to store personal items as long as you continue to open the door to him.

** If you want him to continue living with you... deal with all consequences...and get a list of things you want him to contribute to : Pay certain bills; Baby Food, diapers, clothes.; Rent (half of it) ; Child care: alternate weeks BUT be smart on it. emails they work best and when he approaches you just say I don't know how to explain to you so this is best. And then walk with him to notary and both sign his agreements. ; D

If not honestly.... He should leave...

All that you mentioned was my life story..... You wake up happy and when you see his face your day becomes dark and gray... Sad but true !!



Now he is my EX-Husband.... 2 1/2 yrs after my twins were born and while living with me he had a child with someone else..... BUT GOD turned the table on both of us.....



I made him introduce child to his children and family...

Now his 8yr old daughter loves me.... (Crazy, as much as I resented to hear of her... )

She wants to live with her siblings and me.... says her mommy doesn't love her like I do. Cries when she leaves my home.

And now he wants to be my BF and does what I needs to be done.... Crazy, but true....



We have to show men they are not often need. Don't fight for child support. Make written agreements and then warn him... You don't keep up your bargain "I will take you to court".

the heck with what family and friends say... Where are is his family now?

Billie - posted on 08/30/2012

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i would write him a letter if u cant say it to him an tell him everything ur feeling an tell him it needs to change or ur done. ur at least giving him the choice to work on ur marriage whats the worse he can do leave. and id give him a time table an stick with it. not trying to be hurtful but u should not have to raise a grown man an 2 children. an if u tell him how u feel an give him a chance to get his head out of his butt then u have tried to save ur marriage. I dont know how u lasted this long ..... the worst part of marriage is where to draw the line an how much to put up with(from my own experience) but there is one thing i know for sure my child an I deserves the best possible life, can u honestly say that living this way is whats best for them for u.

Zeen - posted on 08/28/2012

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Hi Amy, m not too sure if i'm considered to be in the same boat as you, but my partner of 6yrs also does not contribute financially for the family needs. I have had thoughts of leaving him, but when I look back at my two lovely boys, by doing it it would really break thier hearts as both are equally close with their dad. I'm lucky in a way though, he helps by sending and picking them from school and when I'm at work he's the caretaker.

Personally, I feel you should leve him, but would you be able to cope as you're due in 5weeks. Are there family members that could help out?

Penny - posted on 08/28/2012

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You sound like you already know what you want to do. You are doing everything now, so why put up with the extra emotional/finacial strain of looking after him, too? Resentment is a powerful feeling, and if it's everyday, then that is a big problem for your relationship. Have you talked to him about it?

Chicora - posted on 08/28/2012

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Looks like you need to leave him and join his other daughter's mom in the child support line. They'll force him to take care of his kids

Illiana - posted on 08/26/2012

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Hi , first of all i would say you are a strong woman , i would discuss how im feeling with a close friend or family member. once you make the decision to file for divorce (which i think you should), gather as much assistance as you can from friends and family . you will need their support emotionally , physically and mentally as well. As far as his family not speaking to you , remember your husband is a reflection of his family , so unfortunately you cant expect any support from him or them. Also prepare yourself for the impending argument or debate regarding , custody and child support as well as debt issues and who is to pay what . Dont forget , a place to shelter yourself and children. As a matter of fact , kick his ass out . Sorry . ANYWAY KEEP YOUR HEAD UP .GOOD LUCK

Ivy - posted on 08/25/2012

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I really feel for you. The advice of seeking legal advice and laying it all out to him is important. If tgat doesn't work then I really think it is best you put your child and you first by divorcing him and moving on. I wish you all the best.

Tisha - posted on 08/25/2012

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Sounds like you are doing way too much. That is not a marriage. Sorry to say but if he was already like that when you had the first baby he was not getting a second one. Leave and start over. You clearly can do it alone. Good luck to you.

Sally - posted on 08/25/2012

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As you said you're already a single mom. Why should you take care of a deadbeat adult child who's not yours? First stop paying any of his bills. Then talk to a lawyer and get the divorce papers written up. Then tell him to shape up or ship out. Put exactly what shaping up you expect in writing so he can't claim you didn't tell him. If he makes no effort, the next time he goes out, put his stuff on the lawn, change the locks, and file the divorce.

Good luck

Jurnee - posted on 08/21/2012

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Your husband sounds like my ex husband! Leaving him was the best thing I ever did for me and my kids. I was angry every day when I was with him and I know my children could tell, even if I tried not to say anything in front of them. Being a single parent is much easier than being a married single parent. All that anger and resentment go away.

Lisa - posted on 08/21/2012

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Hi, it seems that you are a very strong woman. From the way you have described your husband, I am inclined to think that you should file for a divorce - possibly after you have your baby. When you have recuperated, put both babies in daycare and file for your divorce. Seek assistance from family, friends, or even government assistance if you need to. You have been doing it all pretty much by yourself thus far and I don't think it helps at all to have someone so close to you bring you down and not offer any support. Stay strong, believe in yourself and strive to keep quality people around you who will support you and be there for you. All the best.

Amy - posted on 08/08/2012

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I can see why you resent him so much! I had to stop reading it half way through I was so mad for you!! I know this isn't going to be helpful but I would leave him, there is no way he shouldn't have to help care for the kids and maintain the house, afterall he helped make the babies.

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