bad attitude

Becky - posted on 09/25/2010

My situation was a little different. My ex went to prison and then I filed for divorce. My daughter didn't understand I had filed divorce fro her father for months although I tried to explain it to her. But she had a lot of attitude issues and behavioral problems while adjusting to the fact that her father wasn't around any more. I felt awful doing it, but I punished her for all her outbursts. Regardless of the situation, or the reason behind it, the behavior was not acceptable and she needed to know that. She got over then (at 4) but every time her dad gets out (and goes back again) she goes though another adjustment period. It's no fun, but stay consistent is my only good recommendation.

Maranda - posted on 09/11/2010

Reguardless of the situation, hitting is never acceptable. Time out until he's through with his hitting and then discuss what is making him so upset. I know in our house, hitting is inexcusable and unacceptable. My daughter knows if she hits....she's in big trouble. But like everyone else has said....it will get better. Good luck!

Morgan - posted on 09/11/2010

My kids did many different things to express their anger, frustration and fear (that's a big one) when their father and I split up. Do not give in to manipulation in any way. The fits are usually ways of trying to secure your attention and to be reassured of not only your love but your very presence. When my kids would tell me I was terrible, I ignored them, if they said they hated me, I told them that was too bad but I still loved them. I said these in a calm manner and continued to do what I was doing. This helped them realize that they could not manipulate my emotional response to them. If he is old enough for a more in-depth lesson, you could add a comment similar to, "when you decide you don't think I'm terrible anymore, you could ask me to play a game, read a book, go for a walk, etc." This gives him the answer to how to get your attention without the manipulation. Tears and wails of "I miss Daddy" whenever they were given a job to do were big, too, until I told them that we were not talking about their father right now, but could when they were done with what I had asked them to do. I wasn't disregarding their feelings but letting them know that the time would come later for that discussion. They rarely revisited the conversation once they had done what they needed to!



As for the hitting, there are of course many schools of thought on how to address any behavior, from corporal punishment to discussions. As a preschool teacher, I teach children who do try hitting as a way of rebelling. My reaction to a hit ( or an attempted hit that doesn't land) is to immediately turn the child away from me, tell them they can come back when they are done hitting because they do not have the right to hit me ( i do say that to the child) . If they hit in reaction to being told to do something, I will stand behind them and "escort" them through the job required either by hands on the shoulders guiding them along or even if I have to reach down to their hands to help their hands complete the work. This is always done from behind them to reduce emotional reactions until the job is done and they can express that they are done hitting and ready to listen. Then a hug and a smile reassures them that I was never rejecting them, only their behavior.

Good luck! Remember, he doesn't need you as a friend, he needs you as his rock solid foundation of consistant love, his never changing guide through all of life's ups and downs and his example of what will be expected of him as an adult. An all of this starts right here. :-)

Kate - posted on 09/10/2010

I know exactly what you mean. My first husband left (I'm now happily remarried) when my daughter was only1yr and my son was 3.5yrs old. My son (who is now 9yrs) was very angry and confused. Just remember it does get better! He would say he hates me and that I was ruining his life. I am a discussion mum and would show him how much his feeling hurt me and he would get upset and cry and although it killed me inside I just waited until he came back out and I'd tell him how much I loved him and that I needed his hugs to feel better. He actually become very very good at being able to read my moods and says "mum you look sad do you need a hug!". He will go out of his way to help other children who are sad at school. Just know when he says he hates you, or that he doesn't love you he reallllly doesn't mean it, so dont take it personally, but don't let him get away with it either. I introduced a punching pillow that he would beat up while he cooled down and I gave him time to whinge and carry on and calm down before I would talk to him. He's just testing you to see if you love him or if you'll leave him forever because he's feeling so insecure. He needs your love and patience. I found a really nice male daycare teacher who turned my son around wiith alot of attention / support my son learned to trust again. He changed from bullying the other kids to asking if he could help the little kids. It's a tough time and it does seem to go on forever but it does get better. As he gets older he will be able to talk about it and deal with it in a more comprehenable way where he gets to decide what it all meant to him and how he can use the experience to become a better person. You ARE a great mum and you are doing the right things and one day your son will thankyou for it.