Daycare but No Job

[deleted account] ( 56 moms have responded )

Cant help but judge. Person I know just enrolled her child into daycare but she has no other responsibilities. She is a self proclaimed SAHM, but no Job outside of that. Do you consider that a waste of money? -- I think that if you have no actual paying job then it is your responsibility to take care of the kid/s. I just don't believe in paying for something that I capable of doing myself.

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Alexandra - posted on 02/24/2011

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I thought this website was supposed to be about asking other mom's for help and advice or even just support, not about posting threads that are specifically about judging another mother and asking others to judge too.
I don't know where the idea came from that a SAHM is not entitled to a life outside of family and children. I think it's good for any woman to have her own identity and not just that of wife and mother. Maybe she has some depression (MUCH more common than most people realize and very rarely spoken about by the sufferer), maybe she wants to take a class or do volunteer work. Maybe she just wants to watch T.V. for a few hours, have a bath or read a book. Maybe it helps her be a better mom if she feels like she still also has her individual identity and gets to do some things just for herself. A lot of people would say that is actually a very healthy attitude. Mom's may put their children and family first but it doesn't mean that they should leave themselves out of the equation.
If you feel great having your children with you all the time that's fantastic, but I can't imagine any human being that wouldn't benefit from some "me time". There is no benefit to having a mother who is unhappy but trying to be a martyr.
The socialization of daycare can be extremely beneficial as well. There have also recently been studies to show that children in daycare have some ultimate health benefits as they get to build up lots of immunity by being exposed to lots of minor germs from the other children (sometimes germs are good!)
The bottom line is, unless you see a mother giving her baby drugs, a gun or a chainsaw or something of the like, maybe we should all just assume that the majority of mothers want the best for their children and try to act accordingly. No mother is perfect. If we are doing the best we can in our own situations then we are doing great jobs.

Susan - posted on 02/23/2011

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I don't have any family in the state, and most people don't live near family anymore like they used to. If she can afford to, good for her!
Maybe she does volunteer work, helps friends/neighbors or even has post-partum depression or other health issues to deal with.
It is easy to judge others when we don't know much about them.

Michelle - posted on 02/20/2011

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I have a friend who does the exact same thing she has her daughter enrolled 2 days a week for interaction with other kids. She chose this route as her daughter could go two full days for the same price as sending her to pre K two half days a week and because our daycare is run by a pre school teacher the kids are doing exactly what would be done in pre school

Erika - posted on 03/01/2011

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Maybe's she's not capable. Better to be safe than sorry.
She may be ill, she may need to study, she may be starting a business at home, she may have to take care of an old person, etc, etc, etc... I would worry if that was a good daycare, other than that people are free to chose how they want to live their lives... that doesn't make them love their kids any less.

JULIE - posted on 02/28/2011

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I have just read about half a dozen responses to this question and have to agree. Motherhood is hard enough without judgement from others. Everyone's circumstances and finances are different. I work three days a week and my daughter goes to day care for two days and one day with my mum. I wish I could have one day at home while she was at day care just to get a break and catch up on housework/bake/ errands! And yes, my daughter was sent to day care for socialisation skills and I know for certain that she won't be crying ont he first day of school not wanting to leave Mummy... that will be me LOL. Anyway, its not for anyone to frown upon. My sister in law sends her two littlies to day care five days a week and works fulltime since both were 6 weeks of age... this I do not agree with BUT its not my place anyone ones place to judge what she does... as I said... MOTHERHOOD IS H ARD ENOUGH WITHOUT JUDGEMENT

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Motlalepula - posted on 03/14/2011

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Who are we to judge? Its her child, her decision. We are all mothers, we have our ways which we want to raise our children. Let us not judge each other because you think you are better...

User - posted on 03/12/2011

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If the child is in full time I think thats a bit much but in saying that she could be preparing her child for preschool or whatever. as Danielle said there are many things that are easier done without your children around. and it does prepare them for school

Veronique - posted on 03/07/2011

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Did she enroll the kid full time or part time? The reason i'm asking is kids need social interaction with other kids, so if she enrolled her kid in daycare so she can interact with other kids then i say it's ok, but if she's in full time and really she just did it to getthe kid out of her hair then i say yes it's a waste of mommy + her being a SAHM that's her job is to take care of the child.

Anita - posted on 03/06/2011

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Is this a case of jeolousy? Why are you so concerned? Are you one of THOSE people (rubberneckers) who peer out of their curtains in case they miss something happening in their neighbourhood? You need to let it go and STOP being so judgmental. Let this whole thing be a big lesson learnt (hopefully). No-one likes to be judged which is why so many women here have got their 'backs up'. Be more supportive of people!!

Michele - posted on 03/02/2011

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I agree that maybe sending them for a couple of hours or part time to get the experience of being around other kids but other than that I think that mother should take care of them. I also thinkk if they are on welfare and there is no job then no they should stay at home to save money for things they need and stop letting us pay for them!!
I have to work full time and would LOVE to stay home with my kids but I do not have that opportunity.

Rebecca - posted on 03/02/2011

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I work, and fortunately or unfortunately my partner is not so he watches our children all week.
When I was a SAHM in the last few years I put the children (who were 1 and 3) in day care once a week.
And I used that day to get some major cleaning/shopping done and (shock horror) sit and watch some t.v. and maybe have a nap. We all know a mum is a 24 hours a day job, especially those first few years. Are we really going to judge any of us having a few hours rest a week?

Crystal - posted on 03/02/2011

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I'd considered this myself when I was a stay at home mom. I did not feel that I could teach my daughter the way that she needed to at her age and wanted her to get into an environment where she could learn the basics and experience being around other children in preparation for kindergarten. I would have done so if I had the money however was could not do so. It's easier to judge than to understand what her reasoning is for wanting to put her child in daycare.

Sarah - posted on 03/02/2011

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I think its perfectly fine to do so if one can afford it - part time anyway. Moms need their own time and its good for a child to get away from their parents too and get some socialization with some other kids their own age. I don't think if I was a SAHM that I'd enroll my child full time - but sure - 1-2 times a week maybe.

Brenda - posted on 03/02/2011

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I totally understand that moms need a break. I have a 6 yr. old with ADHD and a 16 mo. old who is into everything. There are many days when I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and could use a break myself, however I cant afford day care so I have no choice but to handle it the best I know how. That is part of being a mom. You may not want to or sometimes even feel like you cant but you do what you have to for the sake of the child.

Jodie - posted on 03/02/2011

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Many parents enroll their children in child care because they know that the ECE Teachers and Caregivers in a licensed child care centre will provide their child with the developmentally appropriate learning and socialization experiences that they perhaps cannot give them at home. I don't think we can poorly judge a parent that knows their limitations and chooses what is best for their child and for themselves.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/02/2011

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I think people should determine for themselves what is and what isn't a waste of money. I could NOT do the 24/7 mom thing. I know that about myself- so I'm sure this must apply to others as well. I'm not saying it's fitting that a mom shirk off all her parenting duties onto paid help, but that's only because I don't think it's good for the child, or the parent-child bond. But a woman that has the means to both not work AND have some time alone? Sounds pretty awesome.

Brenda - posted on 03/02/2011

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I think that if you are planning to look for work then yes it's a good idea. However if you're a SAHM and have no intention on finding a job outside the home then it should be your job to take care of that child. I do however believe that a child should be in pre school at least a few hrs. a day before starting kindergarden to prepare them for school. I didn't do that with my son and I wish I had. I started him in kindergarden at age 5 with no preschool or anything and now he is in 1st. grade and has serious problems and is in danger of failing 1st.grade.

JULIE - posted on 03/02/2011

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In addition to my earlier comment - 'MOTHERHOOD IS HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT BEING JUDGED". You dont know the situation and it really is none of your business. Why does it bother you so much, its her child not yours. Suggestion: If it does bother her so much, why not offer to help out looking after her child.

Samantha - posted on 03/02/2011

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i think you have no right to judge if its not your situation! my daughter goes to childcare 2 days a week as i work 3 full days, my mother watches her the other day but i had people to help me and i still chose daycare! i think it is great for kids to be with other kids at an early age and for the separation issues. She didn't like it at first but now she has been there a month, she absolutely loves being with other kids. Even if i wasnt working i would still put her in 2 days a week just to have some "me time" as you all like t call it. it is hard looking after a toddler 7 days a week with no help, and if you had to do it all day every day i cant imagine anyone who wouldn't be blowing their top all the time!!

Motlalepula - posted on 03/01/2011

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I don't think you should be judgemental about this. It's good for her child to learn to interact with other children and make friend. It's the right time for her child to be independed and responsible. Being at home is a full time job, sometimes one tends to neglet the other duty

[deleted account]

Well, I have a few opinions on the subject.

First of all, kids need socialization and structure. I don't see childcare as merely babysitting. Even at young ages, they benefit from the structure and social time with their peers.

Also, I know how hard it can be to be home with a kid all the time. While I was never strictly a SAHM, I did return to work gradually and was at home with my child for 3 days a week for a long time. It was hard. Much harder than going to work. I love my kid and love spending time together but being SAHM is far more challenging, more rewarding too :) So, if someone feels they need the help or time, I am glad they are taking steps to get the extra help. Having some help and balance can ultimately lead to a happier home for all.

That being said, we've all seen or heard stories about the parents who pass their kids off to someone else at any chance they get. They have very little connection and their kids are more like a trophy for their photo album than someone that they really connect with. That makes me sad.

I am hoping that your friend is seeking some structure & social time for their kid and some balance for themselves :)

Anita - posted on 03/01/2011

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Yes, I know it's hard not to judge but every situation is different. She might just need a break, there are some very high needs children out there that drive their parents mad lol. I personally am looking to put my 1yr old and 2 yrd old in daycare just 1 day a week to give me a break. I have NO help whatsoever, my hubby works all the time and my parents (the grandparents) live 4 hours drive away and my hubby's parents have passed away so I am on my own. My 2 are VERY high needs, my mum sees them once in a while and can't handle them. She has been around hundreds of children and reckon that my 2 are just very full on. I however work at home as an Accountant (well try to ) so really do need that break. But I won't judge anyone for putting their kids in daycare no matter what situation they are in. I have learnt NOT to judge (since having kids anyway..). . I also think it's good to have your child around other children for the social aspect, it's good for them. It took me 2 years to get used to the idea.

Katja Casey - posted on 03/01/2011

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I work Mon-Fri full time and my fiance works Sat-Wed full time, our 2 year old son goes to daycare full time and I get about 1.5 hours after work before I have to get him. With us having opposite schedules I welcome that little time to come home and clean a bit or run errands. I sometimes envy my friends that get to stay home but even if I could I would still send him to daycare for the interaction and socilization with other kiddos. I think daycare has been great for my son and he has learned so much. I think EVERY mom needs and deserves some me time, if nothing else then to recharge for more quality time.

Kylie - posted on 03/01/2011

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i am atm only working part time and send my child to day care when he is not with his dad. the reason i put him in daycare is because it would help him interact with others and my son is now able to tell me things that he did, he understands that he doesn't need me 24/7 and that it is ok to be with others and understand what goes on around him. this is properly the best decision i ever made. plus the time i am not with him i am looking for a full time job

Christina - posted on 03/01/2011

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I think you should just find out the reasons why....maybe she's struggling and could use your help. Maybe her child needs interation with other children, maybe she just wants to clean the house and have a few moments to your self.

I work so I dont have the choice but before I started back at work, my son was in Daycare once a week so that he could learn to be away from Mum, interact scocially with other kids, AND I managed to get all the housework done and have dinner cooked and put my feet up for an hour once a wekk. I have no family to help me, no grandparents around so I dont think I was being selfish in doing that, and my Son was actually better adjusted after a few months of going. He was learning so much there and because I had one day feed up I got to spend more time with him on the other days

Renee - posted on 03/01/2011

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@ Alexandra, I get what you are saying also, but who says you can't have ME TIME while also raising your children...my children had a schedule, (i.e they took daily naps) and thus METIME, maybe she can't jungle that and have METIME, most of the replies was what they themselves wouldn't do...I'm just saying...we can look at this in all types of direction, bottom line in my opinion she can do whatever it is she wants to do, and for that I say good for her... :)

Renee - posted on 03/01/2011

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I understand what you are saying, because I am a daycare provider, and I understand what you are saying as I am a parent myself...so being in this business for nearly 16 yrs, I have heard one parent tell me of this question you proposed, she said that I would like my child to be in a setting with children of their age, understanding that, I responded by saying what about other non working moms in your area, and get a playgroup going, and if you are to yourself person, then take your child to the park, get on a schedule with your child(ren)...but I soooo get what you are saying. And just don't leave them a couple of hours a day, since they are now paying they stay all day. First to arrive and last to leave...it makes no sense.

Megan - posted on 03/01/2011

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How often are the kids in daycare? Is it preschool? Socialization & growth opportunities abound that Stay at Home Mom's have a hard time giving their kids. Maybe this Mom knows her limits.

Becky - posted on 03/01/2011

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When my son was born i had to work right after.. he went to day care two days a week and was home with daddy 3 and home with me 2. Once he was one daddy's schedule changed and he ended up in day care 3.5 days a week... When he was 1.5 I ended up losing my job and we found we could live off of just my husbands income BUT we decided to keep my son in his daycare/preschool enviorment 2 3 hour days as he was super shy but by being at this place he had come out of his shell alot. Now that he is 3 he still go two days a week to the same place for 3 hours and has learned so much and has benefited so much from being there.. So i dont think that just because she does nto work that she cant use a few days to get things done. I do my major cleaning and grocery shopping on the two days he is at school for 3 hours. and leave the rest of the week for us to do things together.

Lacey - posted on 03/01/2011

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I think that its important to their social and mental development to be in school a few days a week. Children need to interact with other children, thats how they learn social skills like sharing, etc. Just my opinion. I unfortunately have to work full time but even if I were a stay at home mom I would have my children in school 2 days a week or so. I also think its important to not just put them in daycare but a school that has a structured schedule and cirriculum. My son is 2 and he knows his letters, numbers, colors etc. I have found that my child does better at learning with his teacher and class mates other than just with me.

Erika - posted on 03/01/2011

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Honestly, as a SAHM who also watches 3 addt'l kids I do understand your frusteration. However, maybe your friend needs the few hours a few for herself. She may want her child to have social interaction and in the meantime take some much deserved time to herself. If we all gave ourselves just a small break once and awhile, imagine the plethora of energy we would then have for our children!

Jacqui - posted on 03/01/2011

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im sick of mothers judging other mothers!!! Ive had enough of it. Its a really tough job and we should all be supporting each other instead of judging each other.

Not that its any of my business but i think it all depends on the situation. My son is an only child and his daddy looks after him during the day while i work and i look after him in the evening while his daddy works. and we have family time at the weekends. he will be 3 in April and i feel he is really missing out on socialisation so i have just enroled him in nursery 2 mornings per week but its only for his benifit. He is a very intellegent little boy and i think it will bring him on even further to be around friends on a regular basis.

But please lets not all judge each other, support each other instead.

Christeen - posted on 03/01/2011

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I'm sorry but this might sound rude. But what is your kids doing while you come on the internet to chat here or what ever? I'm not going to lie my daughter plays by herself most of the day but I work online. Them sitting on your lap while you type here is not considered 'time together'.



I put my DD in daycare and she has come out of her shell. She went from being shy and clinging to my leg to a wonderful out going girl. Her speech has even picked up since being around kids her own age. And now since work and everything else is done when she comes home. I spend the rest of the time with her. IT works itself out. I don't even come on FB after my working hours.

[deleted account]

I really think you should mind your own business. Mothers keep cutting each other down. You have no idea what is going on in her life - is she taking care of an elderly relative? Is she starting her own business? Is she job hunting? Maybe she wants to socialize the child and have them play with other kids. Honestly, moms, we need to stop being so judgmental and support each other!

Jo - posted on 02/28/2011

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Seriously, what is wrong with you people. As one person said, I thought this website was for advice, getting in touch with people in similar situations etc, not for posting comments on peoples choices on using daycare facilities and bagging their choices. I don't visit the site very often, and quite frankly, if this is the type of things people have to say, then I won't bother visiting it at all. Get with the times ladies and stop judging others you know nothing about as it says a lot about your personality.

Carmen - posted on 02/28/2011

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When I had my first child, I worked from home, and my husband and I were so glad we would not have to go through the expense of childcare. We have enough worries as it is right? Well financially it was certainly a benefit, however I have found that at a certain age children need to socialize and I certainly deprived my son of the interraction with other children. He is 4 now, and he still isnt all that comfortable going to play with other kids unless I, or my husband are around. I honestly believe that keeping him from the 'regular' interraction has affected his social skill level (as for where he should be by now). I have another child now, and although I am only working on a part time basis from home, I will certainly be taking my experience into consideration.

Tristan - posted on 02/28/2011

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i think you need to let it go. comparisons ruin happiness. concern yourself less with what other mothers are doing and do you.

Joey - posted on 02/28/2011

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I dont know the person or the situation but maybe she wanted her child to be socialized. She may want him/her to have friends or learn from other children. But i dont know the situation or the person.

Anne - posted on 02/28/2011

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You have absolutely no idea what is actually going on in their household. I did the same thing - enrolled my son for 2 days when I wasn't working. But I was dealing with the most horrible extended family situation you can possibly imagine, and used the time to go to therapy and read as much as I could so that I could make sure the issues didn't impact my child. Would I have shared those things with any but the closest and most trusted of people? Of course not.

I'd say put your nose back where it belongs, in your own business. Sorry.

Marie - posted on 02/28/2011

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Ok, alot of you all have opinions about socialisation, the mum getting her own time, blah blah.... But in reality, if she is using the daycare as a babysitting service so she can have her own time, then that is the terrible thing. She is actually taking a space that someone that actually NEEDS the daycare because they have to work for a living could be using.
It is hard to find a good daycare that have available spaces, and i know for a fact that the daycare teachers don't appreciate being used as a fulltime babysitter. I know everyone needs time out, but really... you had the baby means you have to deal with it - there are waay to many women out there that desperately want kids that would give anything to have them but can't. Palming them off to FT daycare just to get "me" time back is just wrong. Hire a babysitter.
And just so you know - i am a working mum, and both my kids have had to go to daycare from a few months old. Although they have both gained from it, I hated every moment and constantly wished I could be a fulltime SAHM. She should think herself lucky.

Alison - posted on 02/28/2011

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I think this is her decision to make - not mine or yours. Who's to decide what a daycare should and shouldn't be used for.

Heather - posted on 02/28/2011

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I don't consider it a waste of money. I send my daughter to daycare 3 hours a day. I am currently laid off. I have seen an amazing improvement in my daughter as far as interacting with other adults. She has always done well with other kids but not with other adults. Plus her separation anxiety was getting really bad. I was not even able to leave her with her father. I have had her in there now for a month and a half and after 2 weeks she was already showing signs of less separation issues. Plus she loves to be there.

Amanda - posted on 02/28/2011

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Actually it is VERY good stimulation for your child to be with others his/her age! besides that it prepares him/her for the future world coming at only 5 years of age. My child was 18 months and still had anixety at first. I believe if she can afford it, even for just a few hours a day/week - all the more power to her and for her child. Go mom GO!

Lanette - posted on 02/28/2011

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You have to consider the fact that having your child/children with you 24/7 can be difficult at times. It prevents you from being able to get the work in your home completed (toddlers can be like little tornadoes making messes after you just cleaned). Remember that just because she's a SAHM doesn't mean all her other duties around the house are forgotten. She may also need time for herself every now and then. You shouldn't be so quick to judge. If she wants to pay for childcare she should be able to do so.

Kathy - posted on 02/27/2011

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I work so my son has been in ft daycare since he was 5 months old. Even if I wasn't working, I would want to put him into daycare at least 3 part days a week. Not only is it easier to get things done, the socialization has been GREAT for him, and I would go flat out crazy if it was him and me every day, all day. Hats off to those of you who can, but I would be a far worse mother if I didn't have the daycare option.

Most important, don't judge. She is not you, You don't know all of her circumstances, nor her priorities (e.g. maybe she thinks it's better for her to be a better day to day mom by getting a break instead of saving the money and taking once a year trips to Disneyland. Whatever). And daycare is not all bad for kids, when I get together with my SAHM friends. they all remark on how well socialized my son is. His daycare providers provide him with a stimulating environment and have taught him things I never would have thought a two year old could do.

Jamie - posted on 02/27/2011

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I usually don't post on here but this kinda struck a nerve. Even if it is for her "own" time it is better for her to have her child in a safe environment where there will be socialization and education. If she is not ready to be a parent then she is doing the right thing by not neglecting or abusing her child.
I had my child in daycare two days a week for socialization. She is an only child and we had just moved to a new place. I did take that time for some me time. We all need a little me time to stay healthy! I just think we should not judge other people because we don't know what it's like in their shoes!

KYM - posted on 02/26/2011

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hmm a tough one if its for the benefit of the child then i think its a good idea.its hard to comment as i dont really know the whole situation.
on a personal note I had my son in care one day a week from 6mths on reccomendation from my doctor as i had a bad birth and no family close by to get help from.

Rhiannon - posted on 02/26/2011

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I know i few people who put their children into daycare (for a day or two) about a year before they started nursery because the children were so clingy to their parents. They wanted them to get used to being away from mammy and daddy while learning to interact with other children.

It does seem like a waste of money if your a sahm but sometimes its done because the child needs it not because he parent is selfish.

Susan - posted on 02/23/2011

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If I would judge a stranger I know nothing about - Sounds like she was not ready to become a mother. Maybe the pregnancy was a surprise. Could be too young/immature. I tried for years to have my child before actually getting pregnant. You know for a fact that she has no depression or health problems at all?? She has no drug use or alchohol abuse issues??

[deleted account]

I know for a fact that they cant afford the Daycare cause they have to have their parents buy them diapers and rely on them for almost everything. This Mom doesn't even have to their own laundry,cook, work or go to school. So come on what can be soooo hard that she needs a break. I believe that she isnt looking at it for the social aspects at all. More like it is more time for her to go do her extra "recreational" activities. If you know what I mean... Daycare shoulndt be used like that.

Candace - posted on 02/22/2011

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I think it's perfectly acceptable to enrole your child into daycare as a stay at home mom if the family can afford it. I'm sure you realize that staying at home involves alot more than child care and some things are much easier to handle when you're not working around nap schedules, eating schedules, etc. Also, there is alot to be said about the socialization the child learns in daycare that s/he will not learn at home. Full time daycare is excessive but a couple days a week is probably a good thing to do.

Stacy - posted on 02/22/2011

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I think a lot of women have babies now and think they are just going to work the baby into THEIR life. When really you work YOUR life around the baby's. It is a major shock to a lot of women who are used to doing whatever they want whenever they want.....this probably gives her that freedom...if only for a couple of hours. As far as if I think that is right....I could never do it, but this is our culture now. Grandmothers don't assist in the upbringing of the children anymore (as much) and extended families are a thing of the past (not in my home) and it really does" take a village." We all need a break now and then, but lets not take it too far. After all she did chose to have the baby and is financially capable of doing it w/o having to wrok.

Amy - posted on 02/19/2011

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My husband and I work opposite shifts so we don't have to pay daycare now, I can't imagine being a SAHM and sending my child to daycare, there are many other things I prefer to spend my money on. Danielle is right though it's easier to get stuff done when the kids are not home, but another prospective is she may be concerned with her childs socialization skills. My son is now 5 and goes to pre-school 3 days a week for 2 hours a day so he learns to follow directions from someone other then mom dad or grammie, and to learn how to play and interact with kids his own age because his exposure has been limited.
Like I said before I wouldn't do it but I don't have so much money that I can't figure out how to spend it ;-)

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