Daycare Concerns

Frenika - posted on 08/03/2010 ( 35 moms have responded )

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First off, I already strongly dislike bringing my child to daycare while I go to work so that may be the root of my concerns but either way, I'll continue..

My son just turned one three weeks ago and has been going to his current daycare since February. When I drop him off in the morning, he sort of jumps into the daycare teacher's hands and loses interest in me once he is out of my grips. I don't get a smile and never a 'bye bye'. I think the daycare teacher thinks its funny because she always says while laughing 'Aww, don't do mommie like that. Tell momma bye bye' (It's just the way she says it). Well, at this daycare, they always come get him out of my arms and have been doing it since day one. It's kind of annoying because sometimes they sort of grabs him out of my arms - never forceful though - instead of waiting for him to extend his arms to be grabbed.

Last week, I dropped him off but before the lady got all the way to me, to get my son, I asked for a form to fill out about his feeding. She filled out her portion, gave me the form, then grabbed my son out of my hands. Like everyday, I said 'bye bye', tried to get a smile, and got nothing in return. I already cried my tears about our good byes (because it happens every dang day) so it doesn't really bother me that much anymore. Well, anyways, I made it to my car and realized that I forgot to ask the teacher something so I walked back in. She was still holding my son, which made me cringe a little. So, I asked her my question and got her answer. All the while, my son glanced at me once for like a second and never looked back at me. There is a window to the door of his classroom so after I left out the door I waited a while to see if he would eventually look back. He didn't. I cried my way back to the car.

Yeah, I could just put him down on the floor instead of them coming to get him but since they have been doing it since day one he is used to it. One day I tried putting him down and he screamed all the way down to the floor. I really wanted to console him, but the daycare teacher ran to him and picked him up.

Part of me feels that my son treats me like that because I leave him there everyday. Even though he is only one, he have a jealous streak. One day I was holding my godson, who is also a year old, while my husband was holding our son and our son just stared at me for atleast 3 minutes then turned his head like 'whatever' and never looked back. At home, my son is completely different - he is always by me. Where ever I go, he follows. Many say he is spoiled behind me, but I just say he loves his mommie (except at daycare, sigh). While at home, he always laughs and plays with me.

I can go on for days.. I told my husband that if one day my son refuses to come to me because he wants to stay with the day care teacher that that will be his last day at daycare.

I just wanted to vent. I need to tell them how I feel, but since I'm semi-angry about the whole situation, it may come out very rude and very disrespectful.

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Melissa - posted on 08/04/2010

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Hon, you've got to get past this. You WANT your child to feel comfortable and happy at daycare. You WANT him to feel comfortable being away from you while you're at work. He needs to be able to leave you. It may make you feel better to know that at some point he'll hit the separation anxiety phase and he will be more upset to leave you and probably hysterically happy to see you return. My daughter went from not caring when I left to caring WAY too much.

He does love you more than his providers; you're his mom. But you have to let him care about his providers too, otherwise you need to consider that maybe you're not suited to being a working mom. (And I'm not sure one-year--olds are complex enough in their thought processes to get back at mom for leaving them at daycare by pretending to love the provider better. you're projecting, I think.)

good luck.

Carrie - posted on 08/03/2010

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I think you should tell them how you feel and if they are good they can try to work with you to put you at ease. His behavior seems normal for a one year old to me. And as for them taking the kid, they probably just don't want him to cry. Some kids that age need a transition of being held for a little bit when they first get there (mine did). It just sounds like he's bonding with the caregiver like he needs to. I'm sure you'd be crying if he were crying that you left him as well. It is hard. You say at home he's always wanting to be around you. It sounds like he's also very bonded to you. I do think that perhaps since you said you don't like that you can't stay home with him, you are looking for cues that he is being damaged by being at daycare. Hang in there. I'm sure that when he gets older he will tell you just how much he loves both you and his experiences at daycare.

Angela - posted on 08/27/2010

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I work at a daycare, having said that My husband is staying home with the kiddos because I dont want my children in daycare.. I know that it sounds really twisted but for us that's how it works. I know not everyone has that option. When parents drop off their children I never take the child from their arms. If the child is an infant then the parent will put them down or hand them to me. The same goes for a toddler, if the parent hands them to me I will take them,otherwise they go off and play right away while I talk to the parent about how the child was that weekend/ night. Maybe if you said goodbye then handed the teacher your child it might feel different.

Jill - posted on 08/04/2010

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My children both went through the same thing. My dtr started at 7wks old and my son at 6wks old. It is a little hard somedays and I do joke with me daycare lady that they love her more than me. However, would i really make you feel better if he screamed everytime she took him?? Look at it this way, he really likes where he's going and that's the most important thing!! I'm thrilled that my now 4yr old and 1yr old enjoy going to daycare.

There's just something about them being with chidren their same age. Its nothing against you, its just human nature. I'm not sure about you but I love to spend time with people my age who have chidren about my age and therefore understand my life and what i go through. Why wouldn't your son want to be around children his own age that are doing about the same thing.

As far as the teacher taking him out of your arms, talk to her. Maybe she's just used to doing that because there's other children that need that direction. I'm sure if you tell her your concerns she would listen.

I hope this helps. Just remeber that he LIKES where he's going and that's a very important thing!!

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April - posted on 09/05/2012

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It has been a while since you've posted what did you end up doing and what helped you??

Lika - posted on 08/27/2010

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I wish I could help you more, my son didn't start daycare until 2. But it doesn't seem like the daycare is a good fit for you, even if they take care of your son. At least he feels comfortable there. Maybe see if your husband can have a turn at picking up or dropping off your son. See what he thinks.

As for the crying incident, it may be that they're trying to help alleviate the separation anxiety that may or may not occur.

But if you feel disrespected as a parent, they need to know that, and if it continues, you may want to check into another day care that will take care of the children AND work with the parents better.

Ashley - posted on 08/25/2010

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What i do is give my boy kisses and hugs while i walk up to the day care tell him i love him and to have a good day he's been in day care since a year and is now 2 and a half. I have the opposite problem where he dosent want me to go in the mornings getting better now but when i come to get him he ignores me and cry's when i pick him up i feel like he hates me but its not true they love us. Your son is probably just really used to the ruteen and comfortable but i agree that the day care people should not be grabbing your child until u are ready to give him to them. Best luck and remember that this will end eventually

Jessica - posted on 08/25/2010

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Oh honey, you are lucky! My son is 2 years old now and has been going to the same daycare since he was 8 weeks old (sad). Anyway, he has just started screaming and crying everyday when I drop him off. He loves his teacher, but he still throws a fit when I leave him. It makes it very difficult. We all try to comfort him so he isn't so upset, but it usually doesn't work.
Sometimes, daycares get parents that just throw their children at them because they are in such a hurry, and they may not be used to you wanting to get some good-bye time before leaving. Just mention it to them, but consider yourself lucky. Your daycare provider clearly loves your child. I know it's hard to leave your child, but it could be alot worse.
Good luck!!

Chasity - posted on 08/25/2010

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@ Melissa, how rude of you to make all sorts of accusations toward this daycare because they come and get the child from the mother. Would it be better if they just ignored their presence when they get dropped off, because it seems as though anything else according to you is "spoiling them". This child is still very young and this mother is clearly just having her own seperation issues, so it is very unfair to blame any of that on the provider! Apparently some parents are gonna complain no matter what the daycare does. You are actually upset because your son likes his provider? I know it hurts a little but come on, act like an adult about it and rejoice in the fact that you choose a great provider and that you have an independent little boy!
I'm sorry to sound so harsh, it's just frustrating to hear someone speak poorly of a daycare who is clearly doing a fantastic job!

Brandi - posted on 08/16/2010

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I understand your feelings about them taking your son out of your arms. That would annoy me too. My daycare has told me that their experience with good-byes is keep it short n' sweet. Don't project your anxiety onto the child...it upsets them. But I have a routine I do with my son. I bring him in or walk with him in, we say hello to everyone and I say "kiss" and he gives me a kiss and I say "bye-bye, see you later" and he says "bye-bye" and waves and then goes to the provider or the other kids and I leave. Short n' sweet. I agree with everyone, it's important that your son is happy where he is. If my son showed a lot of distress or resistence to going to daycare, then I would be very concerned. Knowing that my son is happy where he is and the daycare providers enjoy him and care about him, keeps my mind at peace while I'm away at work. Most times my son runs to me and wants to leave, but there are other times he runs from me and doesn't want to leave because he's having fun. Don't take it personal. No one tops the momma! :)

Rochelle - posted on 08/13/2010

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So let me get this right ... you are unhappy that your kid is happy at daycare??? Do you know how many moms out there would LOVE to be able to not have their child go through separation pain every time they drop them off because they have to and how very hard it is to leave with them crying and reaching out to you??? I think you need to check yourself. Your child likes daycare and knows Mommy will be back real soon so he can just have fun and be a happy kid. I think your Mommy guilt is helping you make excuses because you want to be a SAHM deep down.

Renee - posted on 08/13/2010

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My 20 month old daughter is my first and only. She attends my sister's in home daycare with 6 other kids. She cries in the evenings when I come to pick her up. Now that she can talk fairly well when I ask if she wants to go home with me she says no. She is still relatively attached in the morning when I drop her off. At first it did make me feel bad but after thinking about it she has formed a bond with the person that she is with everyday and that's a good thing. I would be more concerned if she were screaming because she wanted to leave, then something would be really wrong. I know it's hard but it is good that he is okay with being there. I'm sure he enjoys being with his friends. The daycare that my friend's son went to as a baby did the same. Took him from her arms when he got there but they knew he had a harder time adjusting to her leaving and were attempting to make it easier by giving him a little more TLC. I hope this helps some. There is never complete ease with leaving our special little ones with someone else.

Michelle - posted on 08/13/2010

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Could your husband drop off your son instead? You could say your good byes at home and not go through the emotional stress before going to work. If this is not an option, you will need to take control of the situation by saying your goodbyes at the door before a daycare worker can take him. Consider the perspective of the caregiver. They likely just want to insure a smooth transition with out tears. What you consider "grabbing" is likely ensuring that your child is not dropped during the exchange. In any case, these phases change in a few months and you will be on to the next phase. I agree with some of the others, count yourself lucky to not have to go through what others are writing about in the right-hand column. Better to be a little emotionally miffed, than embarrassed by uncontrollable behavior. This too shall pass.

April - posted on 08/12/2010

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I guess I know how you feel especially since he is your firstborn. Each time I bring him to the childcare centre, I feel really bad whenever my son cries but on days when he is fine when I have to leave, I almost always feel a twinge of sadness that my baby's "all grown up". For myself, I prefer the teachers coming over to take him from me because at least I know a teacher will be comforting him for the next few minutes mama walked away.

Alison - posted on 08/12/2010

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I don't see any reason for concern. This behavior is typical for that age. He knows it is time for mommy to go and he is happy to find his things at the daycare. Goodbye's are just not that important - AT THIS STAGE. In a year or so, it will probably be completely different. He'll be clinging to you and asking you not to go to work.

Do not take this personally. And I don't think you need to blame the daycare.

If you have the means to quit your job and be with him and that is what you want to do - do it! Otherwise, be grateful that you have found a daycare that takes such good care of him. But you'll ALWAYS be his only mama.

Emily - posted on 08/12/2010

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i also think now that i dont work in childcare and i dont have my children there in my centre with me everyday i have a parents prospective too and i realise its very easy to forget while were at work, working a 50 hr week busy and getting 48 hours off on the weekends to spend with our babies and loved ones.....so are our children there with the childcare providers for 50 hours and only with us for 2 out of 7 days a week! DO THE MATH this gets me upset everytime i have a weekend that flys by.

Emily - posted on 08/12/2010

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hi i was a group leader in childcare in austrlia for like 7 years and although i dont believe or use this particular method enless there is a child clearly in distress and not wanting to be left or see mum go for teh day when being dropt off, by taking your child from your arms instead of allowing him to be put down in the room (i dont agree with he needs his own space boundrys and independance) some chidlcares use this as a transitioning from mum to the daycare type of tool so the child is slowly getting an awareness of yes mums going but the carers going to be there. its a difficult one but i as a mum of a screamer when being dropt off and never wants to leave my side nicely for kindy have to hand my girl to a carer so she gets the effection attention and 1 on 1 care during drop off time. shes been in childcare since birth and still has not got use to it, think your self greatful that u have a great well adjusted child that has full compfort in his enviroment and knows mum loves him and will come pick him up. the childcarer will ever take your place in your sons eyes xoxox

Tanya - posted on 08/11/2010

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My daughter has been in daycare since she was 4 months. First part time, and now full time. There are times where I hand her to the daycare provider and then give a summary of how she slept and what time she ate last. Sometimes my daughter (who is now 14 months) will start waving bye to me while we are talking. We just laugh b/c she knows the routine and I figure she's just anxious to go play. I think it's funny that it is like she is saying, "okay, mom, you can go now!" But when I pick her up, she is super happy to see me. I have seen older kids not want to leave daycare when the parents come. At first I thought, "I hope that doesn't happen to me." But I soon realized that it was an indication of a good daycare b/c the kids really love it there and she must be doing something right. I too would rather her be happy at the daycare than to be screaming and mad that I am leaving her there.

Carolina - posted on 08/11/2010

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I just wanted to say that in some ways i wish my son were like that!It breaks my heart and I also cry just about every morning watching him reach and scream for me.It's awful and it breaks my heart.Just to know that he was happy and ok without me would take so much off of me so in some ways i envy you.but i'm sure i would be just as upset if it was me in your position!:) I also have a problem with the daycare ladies taking my son away from me too soon though and have been told that it's the easiest way for them to deal with the children when their parents are leaving but it certainly doesn't feel that way to the parents!Well good luck-I hope it gets better for you.

Wendy - posted on 08/10/2010

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Its sad, I have felt the same way, but some of the other posts are correct. Its good that they bond. My daughter went through a period of saying and calling me her daycare teachers name all the time. It hurt, but it was short lived. She also has gotten really excited to see me when I pick her up! They like to get to run around and play with the other kids....

Marla - posted on 08/10/2010

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You should tell the daycare how you feel and how you want them to take your son from you, they are providing a service and you are paying them. You shouldn't feel back, once you son isn't being harmed in anyway you shouldn't be too worried they are there to to the things you cant because you are working and you made that choice to work. You son isn't spoil because he follows you, he just wants your attention, love and time and he loves his mommy. I put my daughter into daycare but she is only there 3 days a week because I decided that I wanted to work part-time. So goes to daycare to interact with other children and so I can work but the day she gets hurt or is unhappy, ust me someone will pay dearly.

Brenda - posted on 08/09/2010

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I work for a daycare center and i know how you feel. I have had situations where the mom drops off the child and the child won't let go of the mom. As teachers our job is to help with separation anxiety. what i do is if the child is having a hard time letting go i will come to him/her and ask him to come play with me. Most moms dont' feel the same way you do. my parents like the fact that i come to them and get their child off their arms. what happens is that if the parents feel that their child was left crying, they call the daycare center and ask to speak with me and i would tell them how their child is doing. keep in mind that as teachers we take care of your children pretty much all week long for 10-12 hours a day each day. a child gets very attached but that doesn't mean that we are going to take your place as a mom. believe they think of you a lot of times during the day. so don't feel like that. take care!

Terrece (doingthedamnthing) - posted on 08/08/2010

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Dear Frenika, There is absolutly nothing to worry about, even at a year old he has developed independancy (so to speak). Just as an aldult would do certain things at home that they wouldnt do at work. He has established an understanding that, what i like to call ,'Mommie Mood' is ok for at home but he has to be a Big Boy at school. I say this as a clingy parent as well as a childcare provider. As for the teachers taking your son out of your arms everyday, we are trained to do that to make the transition eaiser, so that there isn't a huge crying sense when mommie leaves. It is also ok for you to tell them you'd rather put him down or you can develop a new routine so that its eaiser on both you and the little man! And lastly even though the daycare teacher seem to adore your son, if he ever gets to a point that he wants to stay with the day care teacher, that means two things 1) They are really good teachers and 2) they will start to have him ready when they see you pull into the parking lot!!! Because no teacher wants to take home an extra kid! Myelf included

Dianne - posted on 08/07/2010

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try an in home Child care giver I've become friends with the mothers I do child care for its a more personal one on one with the children and the parents even the Daddy's

Eliz - posted on 08/07/2010

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Its easy to feel slighted when you don't get the goodbyes that you would like but it is a very good sign that he is so comfortable going to the teacher. He should have a bond with her in order for him to have a good time at daycare. But do tell them you would like more bye bye time and not rushed. They should understand. I have to sneak out of the daycare and not even let mine see me leave because he gets upset when I go. Its hard not to get the goodbyes but it better that he not get upset. Just wait he will get to the stage where he will freak out anytime you try to leave and then you will wish he wouldn't. Its all normal.

Melissa - posted on 08/07/2010

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first off, this is your child , your rules, and you pay them to watch him so you run the show when it comes to drop off, pick up or what ever. Secondly, If you do not want your child being held the entire time he is there due to him clinging to this teacher(cause that is why he is doing this, she is spoiling him by holding him all day and he likes it) you need to speak up to them and tell them that you prefer he not be held and when it comes to drop off, you would like to try something different, and would like to say your good byes, and allow him to walk crawl, or what ever. They seem to be doing this due to convience so he does not cry but if that is the case it is going to make it difficult at somepoint when they can not hold him and he starts crying and then it is going to be the same at home he is always going to want to be held. I have gone through one child and now have another is child care so I have a bit of experience. At his age he is going with the flow and does not really care how the drop off goes but guess what you pay and you are in charge. this is something moms need to realize, childcares may act like they are in control but you pay to keep them open and you are the one who has to bring up this child not them so you need to speak up and tell them that you do not like the way things are going and you want to try it a different way. be able to say your goodbyes if not for the child then for you, leaving your child with others for the entire day can be difficult not for them sometimes but for the parents and you need to do whatever you have to to help you through the entire process as well.
I am not saying that you need to make a big stink but if this is bothering you this much change it. you run the show,

Roshawnda - posted on 08/06/2010

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well personally I am a daycare teacher n that should make u feel good because it's letting u no that he's n a good place n he's not being abused. my daughter has bn n daycare since she was 1month old.

Kathy - posted on 08/05/2010

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Like the others said, it's good that your son is so comfortable at his daycare and with his caregivers. You need to be happy for him, even if it is hard for you.(As somebody told me when I was 7 months pregnant, it's not about you anymore.)

My son has been in daycare for a year. Some days when I leave he doesn't even notice,res me, some days he cries and clings, some days I get a smile and a bye bye. Believe me, drop-off is much harder on the days when my son clings and cries and bangs on the door as I leave then on the days that he climbs into somebody's lap or ignores me because he is too busy eating his breakfast or playing with his friends. Re: them taking him from you, it is much easier on the child to go from one pair of caring arms to another than to be placed on the floor. However, I would ask them NOT to grab him from you. One of my son's caregivers did that once, and it did really burn. Give him a kiss, hand him over, and say bye bye.

Now, if you don't feel comfortable with the caregivers, or you feel disrespected, that is another issue. But a caring place where people take the time to hold your child and make sure he is comfortable and happy is important if he is going to be in daycare.

Dora - posted on 08/05/2010

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Don't be so hard on yourself. My son who is now 2yrs old is also in daycare. When he was 1yr old he was the same way.Once he turned 2yrs old he still go into the classroom not being upset or even looking back at me but when i show up to pick him up he runs to the door saying mommy I miss you. Give your son some time. You can also advise his teacher that for future reference you will hand him over when you are ready. You can say it in a way you won't offend. Just tell her that you really miss him and will give him to her in a minute. It is also a really GREAT sign that he doesn't give you any problems when you drop him off. It means he is well taken care of when he is there. It also doesn't seem as if he is bonding with his teacher. It sounds as if he trusts her which is a good thing.

Brandi - posted on 08/04/2010

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I just recently put my son in daycare it was one of the hardest things I had to do. He is 15 months and been there bout a month. He cries almost everyday I drop him off, it breaks my heart and I want to cry. I think either way it will hurt if they cry when you leave or your situation. My husband would always pick him up. Than my first day he cried when I dropped him off. When I went to pick him up he didnt even care that I was there. He looked at me when I said his name than continued to turn around and play with the other kids. It was so hard I had to fight the tears right there in front of the daycare teacher. I also would stay a few minutes in the morning to get him to play and distracted which is how I wanted to do it. I didnt like the idea of him seeing me leave because of the look in his eyes and the screams. The daycare teacher than informed me I need to sat him down and say goodbye.Keep it short. Than walk out the door. I do not agree with at all but it is the best way. I think daycare is just hard no matter what specially with your first child. He is also my first. You should do what you think is right and talking to them wouldnt hurt. They should understand if they have been in the business long enough and have a heart....... Good luck

Sara - posted on 08/04/2010

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Just want to say that I think it's totally normal to have really conflicting feelings about daycare - no matter what your experience! I agree with a lot of what was offered above and just wanted to add one idea -

Maybe you could start doing some kind of special goodbye routine at the car before you go in to daycare. I do a parent co-op daycare (where I work one shift a week as do the other parents) so I've seen both sides of the leaving the kiddo. Often the new faces and toys do distract. So maybe you and your little one could have a big hug, special song, some kind of special time each time you take him out of the carseat.

Just a thought! Be kind to yourself - you're doing great!

Donna - posted on 08/04/2010

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I 'd be mad too if ppl were just comming up to me and grabbing my kid out of my hands, but hey be glad yur son is content while yur gone. Just remember its only a phase, nothing ever lasts

Elizabeth - posted on 08/04/2010

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Oh how lucky you are that your daycare teachers want to and willingly hold your son!!



I understand that the lack of emotional goodbye (or much goodbye at all for that matter) from your son is hard on you. My daughter sometimes does the same thing, but that's just how kids are. I make my husband drop my daughter off at school because for a long time, she would just cry if I did, even though I know she does well at her daycare. Her teachers actively play with her, but even so, they don't always come get her when she's dropped off, and it makes me sad when they don't because she's the kind of kid that likes the extra cuddles and snuggles, especially as she "warms up" each day.



Bottom line... sounds like your daycare teachers are doing the right thing, building healthy bonds b/w them and your son. Your son is not shunning or punishing you, he's just being a one year old. I think we all feel grief at having to leave our children, but many of us don't have a choice, and there are good, reliable, nurturing daycare option available. Give yourself a break and just enjoy the fact that your son likes his daycare.

Sarah - posted on 08/04/2010

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I do in home daycare, so come from this at a different angle. One of the things that I try to do is greet everyone at the door when they come. Kind of like you would someone visiting your home. I try to allow for the parents to do their good bye's, but sometimes a quick good bye and a sneak out of the door works better then lots of hugs and good byes. My guess is that is why the daycare does what they do. They try to help kids transition from mom to center without too much of an issue (crying, etc.). Kids are usually excited about playing with their friends and the toys so may not show much good byes when mom leaves because they are interested in what the other kids are doing. I have ones that when dropped off will cry for awhile after mom leaves and ones that will wave bye as they are running to see their friends and not look back. No matter the reaction when dropped off they are all glad to see mom at the end of the day. But even then there are many different reactions I get. Some see mom and run and hug her others see mom and run the other way crying. They are not crying because they don't want to be with mom they are crying because they are having fun and don't want to leave....just like we hate to leave when we are having a good time. I remember when my son was little and he was in daycare. My dream had always been to be a stay home mom, but that dream had to wait for awhile. One day a little girl came over and he gave her a big smile (he was 3 months old at the time). I was glad he enjoyed it there and liked it, but also sad that I was not able to share in that experience with him. It broke my heart at the same time as it put my heart at ease.



Talk with the center and let them know how you are feeling. Any mom understands that struggle you are going through. Ask them if they can work with you a little bit in helping you get through this time. Let them know that you don't want to make that transition time harder, but since he transitions well now you would like just a few extra minutes to say good bye. Another thing you may want to do is to research work at home things that might be a possiblity for you. Would your work allow you to do some of your work from home (if that is possible)? I know I had a mom that talked to her boss and allowed her to work from home a couple days a week. At first it was on a trial basis, but then it continued after that.. I know that struggle and heartache of having to leave your child even when you know he is fine. Sometimes you are just meant to be with them. Best of luck.

Frenika - posted on 08/03/2010

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Thanks for your response.. I guess, secretly, I am looking for a reason to say 'no more daycare'.

I guess since he is my first, I sort of don't want him bonding with anyone else but me [selfish, I know.. :) ]

But I will express my concerns with them and hopefully I can atleast hug him for a few seconds before they come get him (because they head my way as soon as the door open)..

Thanks again..

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