Dealing with a dead beat

User - posted on 09/29/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 6 and her dad only tried to come around when it fots his schedule. After lying to me for a year on where he lives not far from me at all. My daughter wants to be around him but he so wishy washy I dont know what to do. I try to be nice and keep the door open but I'm at my limit where I dont want him around because he is doing more harm than good. The sad thing about it is he would rather be with a woman than to be with his own child some example huh any suggestions.

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Juliana - posted on 09/30/2010

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Since your daughter is asking about her father, you should let her see him. She has to figure out how unreliable he is and will probably get her heart broke. Its something she has to learn and make a judgement on for herself. The only thing you can do is support her and help her pick up the pieces afterwards. If you keep her away from him, children tend to idolize the absent parent.
I did the same for my son and when his dad promised to be there for his birthday and never showed up, I was there when he cried. Needless to say, my son never asks about his bio dad anymore and he asked me to find him a dad that cares about him. He was only 4 at the time. Now I am married to a great man that he calls dad. He knows he's not his real dad but he tells everyone he is. Good luck!

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Azannette - posted on 10/06/2010

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I am in the same boat. My ex hasn't seen my son in 5 months and before that it was 1 year. Yes, it hurts my son wants to see him. Especially when I know he is paying lump sums of child support to his other baby momma and can't spare $5 dollars for a happy meal for my son. In addition to that has a gf that has kids he would rather play dad to them than his own. I don't get mad. I use it as motivation. I am on the verge of running my own business, thank god every day he gave me the strength to finish school when I wanted to quit while raising an infant. I just do my best and tell my son that his dad is sick and is trying to get better to be a better daddy. Never trash talk that is their dad and that was our choice. They will realize what kind of fathers they have on their own. When he gets better he will come see him. I find myself crying out of saddness and anger. But at least he is not alone he has me. Good Luck!! Just because they are with other people doesn't mean they are always happy. KARMA is the devil! They will get theirs. Good Luck!

Gabe - posted on 10/04/2010

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Julianna put it best it does kill you when your ex doesnt show up and makes your kids cry cause as thier mother you just want to kiss the boo-boo away what i started doing was not telling my 3 year old genius daughter that her dad was gonna pick her up i would just wait and see if he showed up that way there if he doesnt show up no harm done she has asked me why he doesnt love her and that broke my heart but i just tell her that her dad is a little busy right now and she forgets about it for a while

CODY-RENEE - posted on 10/04/2010

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kai, your story is something i know and have been through... my father was the exact same when i was younger.. my mother hated telling us he was coming around or he was taking us out..! but he never showed up..! christmas came around he preferred to be with this other women he left my mother for, and had another child with..! i learnt on my own that my father was a dead beat father and he still talks absolute crap about still coming around and he also lives around the corner and then sometimes he doesnt..! but we see more of him now, then we ever have. but i wanted to be around him all the time, but he rarely ever wanted me or my brother and sisters..! but i saw what my mum went through and when i was younger i acted like i didnt know or see it but i remember everything little thing,. when she grows up she will realise and know what he has done and he'd rather be with someone else then hes own daughter..! stay strong and keep up what you are doing so she knows you were the one that has always been there for her like i know my mother has.. im now 20 and he hasnt really changed they never change unless they have a big wake up call..!

Susan - posted on 10/01/2010

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I understand the situation completely. It was somewhat similar to mine as a child with just a few differences. It was my father I lived with!! My bio mother is a long distance friend now and my step-mother is my "mom". It took me a while to get it, but you cannot make people be who you want them to be and you cannot make people do what you want them to. I would leave the door open for the father to visit your daughter at your home and at your convenience. Don't try to fit his schedule, he should fit yours. Also, do not make excuses for him. Your daughter is young but smarter than you think. Making excuses will only confuse her and later have less respect for you for the fact you lied to her and tried to take up for him. All you can do is let her know you are there and will always be, but you cannot control what other people do, they make their own decisions. Just because he chooses to be somewhere else instead of with her does not mean she is not worthy or there is something wrong with her......it is his bad choices that is the problem and you cannot help that. Be consistent with these reasons everytime he does something that uspets her and she will eventually accept this. It is a hard lesson to learn but she will come to terms with it as long as you back her, are consistent, and are honest with her. No excuses for him!!!

Roxie - posted on 10/01/2010

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i am so sorry that you and your daughter have to go through this situation. i totally understand where you are comming from and i too have a 6yr old whos father is also wishy washy.....i would suggest that you always set the best example for your daughter and let her know that you will continue to be kind and civil even though you dont want to......sometimes it is extremely hard to know that a man can be so selfish and immature after having children. you seem like a mother who is trying to be the best mom you can be and that is all you can do. keep your head up.
Your daughter is smart and when she grows up she will respect you more for the decisions that you make now. Good luck

Becky - posted on 10/01/2010

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I know the feeling, but my story is a little different. My ex can't keep himself out of prison for very long. He is currently serving prison time for the 3 time now since our daughter was born. My daughter loves him, and knows where he's at and why. I hate to admit, but I'd forgo the child support to keep him where he's at if it was up to me. When he gets out and tried to spend time with her, things change around here. It's hard to her to adjust. She loves seeing him & loves spending time with him, but since she's always afraid it's only temporary I think, she get's emotional about everything, she starts talking back. She just goes though this whole adjustment period. And then when he get's locked up again . . . she goes though another adjustment period where the smallest things set her off & she cries! I won't ever completely keep her from him. She knows him, and despite his faults & short comings, she loves him. Eventually she will make up her own mind about her father, but I'm not going to be the one that makes him into a bad guy . . . that would only hurt her in the end.

You can't change people, but work with what you have and do the best that you can. I encourage my daughter to love her father, but we talk about realistic expectations from him as well based on his history.

Tonya - posted on 09/30/2010

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You daughter is the most important person in this situation. So you have to first think about her for a minute. Is he going to be in her life on a consistent basis or whenever he can fit her in? It is not fair to her that he wants to play games. My advice to you is to not let him play games with your daughter. Either he is going to be there for your daughter or not. If he is going to put another woman before her than he has that to answer for. Don't worry about it pray about!

Mary - posted on 09/30/2010

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yep, well said juliana. i don't have any personal exp. to even give but she seems to be talking from hers.

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