Do you have energy left for your husband?

Bradi - posted on 08/28/2010 ( 85 moms have responded )

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I'm exhausted 95% of the time between work and taking care of my kids. When my husband walks in at 8pm I'm ready to collapse more often than not. You too? I love this advice given by member and Psychologist at MyWorkButterfly.com (partners with Circle of Moms)! Works for me... how 'bout you? Any other suggestions?

"Have Check-in Time. Set aside a small amount of time each night where the two of you connect, however briefly that may be.
Focus on What You Get. Think about what your husband does for you on a daily basis to make your life easier and/or more pleasant. It is easier to find the energy to engage with him when you believe that in general the relationship is a two-way street.
Go on Dates. Plan "date" times where it is just the two of you. Decide together how often is feasible and agree not to talk much about the kids. Dates can be romantic living room interludes with wine and dessert after the kids go to bed, but it's even better if you can get out of the house.
Reconnect with Former Shared Interests. Don't forget who you were as a couple in the days B.C. (Before Children). Pull out both yoga mats, critique Stephen King's latest novel together, revisit one of the hobbies or interests that filled your lives back then.
Ask For a Massage. No strings attached, but the physical closeness and the sensations create intimacy and a sense of being taken care of.
Go All the Way. Sometimes you are in the mood and have the energy to follow up. Attend to your own and your partner's sexual needs and ask for what you like.
Just Say No. When it's been a really long, really rough day and you just have nothing left to give, it's okay to say "I'm totally pooped and having a hard time focusing on you. I'll be a much better listener once I've gotten some rest. Can you hold those thoughts until tomorrow?""

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85 Comments

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Dusty - posted on 01/10/2012

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Although sometimes I feel like just saying "thank God you're home!" & then collapsing, I try my best to refrain myself. My husband & I make sure to take time to cuddle each night with each other. Maybe it's because we are younger, (& still pretty flexible!) but we love to curl up in a chair together & watch a favorite show that we both agree on. If the kids are still awake, then we tell them that it's quiet time, & they have to sit down & color, or read a book. If they are in bed by the time we get around to our cuddle time, it's even better. :)

Kitty - posted on 10/06/2011

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ya it used to be the norm monthly here... and now it is getting back to weekly once atleast....

Kitty - posted on 10/06/2011

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ya it used to be the norm monthly here... and now it is getting back to weekly once atleast....

Njoki - posted on 10/26/2010

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The only time i seem to have energy for my husband is on weekends when at least i dont have to work. During the week all i want to when i get home is to collapse on my bed which i dont get to as i ahve to play with the little one prepare dinner. my husband seems ok with it though.

Marcela - posted on 10/26/2010

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I feel exactly the same way, and that is one of the hardest thing of being a working mom!

Cleo - posted on 10/23/2010

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Energy is a state of mine with me. If I feel appreciated by not only hubs, but also the kids, the energy to do for them just comes. But the minute that breaks down, it's a wrap because working full time, keeping house, and raising children is both mentally and physically exhausting. The stress is what knocks me out more than the day to day. My husband is frequently my respite from a long hard day. Even if that just means laying together saying nothing.

Rebecca - posted on 10/20/2010

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Most of the time no way...I work 2 jobs,a40 an hour a week and apart time job the hours vary...but mostly 12 to 14 hours aweek,last week i worked 65 hours between both jobs...plus my daugther has figure skating on wedensdays so most days i leave at 7 and get home at 9:30 at night so he knows not to even try lol.....

Tracy - posted on 10/20/2010

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I try try try my best! When I come home from work, I play and take care of the baby (most of the time my husband is not home yet which is good) and then he comes home and im about to pass out! Not to mention that I am in school full time!

Susan - posted on 10/20/2010

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I sumtimes do but most of the time no & he goes in a mood cus of it me & fiance have been 2gether 4 5yrs now & im the 1 tht works he looks after our daughter Emma who is away to be 2 in Dec & wen i get in i just want 2 have my tea then go 2 bed but he doesnt see it like tht :( i work about 30hrs a wk sumtimes more than tht & im out the door about 10am & not getin in till 11pm sumtimes so all i want 2 do it go 2 my bed lol

Sophie - posted on 10/15/2010

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it is all about positivity. Think positive and your positive energy will increase just like that! :)

Dee - posted on 10/13/2010

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Sometimes I do sometimes I don't same with him he takes care of the kids and the house now that I am back to work off Mat leave and he has been doing a good job with it. He's the one passed out cold when I walk through the door at night. I take care of all my household and motherly duties during the day when he's at work. Now it's a shared responsibilty so I appreciate him more but we both feel it now.

Sherry - posted on 10/09/2010

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YES! I DO ALMOST ALL THE ABOVE. HE HELPS GET THE KIDS TO BED, AND WE HAVE OUR TIME WACTH SOME TV, etc. BEFORE IT GETS TO LATE, & SO WHAT IF U DOSE OFF A LIL. ITS A LIL ENERGY TO GET BUSY BEFORE U BOTH GO TO SLEEP.=} NO MATTER HOW BUSY LIFE GETS ALWAYS MAKE TIME FOR YOUR SPOUSE, SHOOT EVEN IF ITS ONLY A QUICKY ANYWHERE THE KIDS ARE NOT AT..KEEP THE SPICE..

Tisha - posted on 10/05/2010

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What if you are not in the mood?

Mary - posted on 10/05/2010

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To have enough energy for my husband largely depends o the days activities. Of course if am too tired am not afraid to say no with a justified reason. whenn am good ......am good!!!

Daleesa - posted on 10/04/2010

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Good advice Bradi! Reminds me of advice from a former counselor.

Not an easy task to always have time for hubby at the end of the day. Unfortunately hubby doesn't always understand when that is the case and/or he tries to compete by sharing how stressful his day was. :(

Teresa - posted on 10/02/2010

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i feel the same way you do about trying to have energy to do things for the family after working all day , but after restingfor an hour i go again to get things done cause you have too.

Roxanne - posted on 09/30/2010

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Wow, it does seem like being a mom is the mosr demanding thing ever! My husband works shifts and we rarely get to spend time together, this is our first child and i dnt have heaps of support so we kind of have to feel our way around, plus i am starting a correspondance course soon to further my bookkeeping. Wow, what to do...

April - posted on 09/20/2010

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We have a 6 month old and I went back to work when she was 3 months old. My husband is a stay at home dad, so I am very lucky because of all he does around the house. But I am still exhausted all of the time....my doctor says it is still postpartum and that it can take a while to catch up on all the rest you need...I am hoping it is soon! We have 4 kids in the house, so we are both very busy, I know that my husband is just as tired as me, if not more sometimes, lol. We just take it one day at a time and try to find a few minutes each day to have some personal conversation. We flirt with each other a lot and if we are lucky, we are "lucky" once per week, lol, sometimes even twice! Very exciting!!

Brenda - posted on 09/19/2010

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Good to know! With both of us working and him back in school its tough

Shoshana (Meddie) - posted on 09/16/2010

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Yes and No. Depends on the week and day! We work opposite shifts so he can keep the boys during the day while I work and once I get off he's got about thirty minute's before he goes into work. We both love this, we love that the boys are always with either me or him. Thankfully we work Monday - Fridays so we have weekends together. We make special time on the weekends. "Nap Times" are our own special time, we lay our boys down around 1:30 on Saturday and have til 3:30 to spend together. We've been married for three years and it's tough finding time for it all, but it's life and we always make some time at least once a week for each other!

Roshunda - posted on 09/16/2010

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My daughter barelly go to sleep at night. When I'm ableto get her to sleep it is 10 or 11 . After that all I want to do is sleep.

Jessica - posted on 09/15/2010

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So i get up at 6 am get the boy up at 7 am he goes to daycare by 7:30 so i can make it to work by 8 am. I work till 5 pm sometimes 5:30 pick up the boy at 6 Pm and make dinner by 7-7:30 Pm bedtime by 8 Pm. I go to bed around 9 Pm and he gets home around 11 Pm. SO no there is not any energy when he comes home i am sleeping and whe I leave for work he is sleeping. I usually Open my eyes long enough to tell him where in our refrigerator his dinner is and what I made cooked and sometimes ask him to get the garbage or empty the dishes.

Teresa - posted on 09/15/2010

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Bradi; I'm a 53 yr old stay at home mom but before having my child; I was in the working field as well, practically all my life since I was 14yrs old and I know how you feel because I was always tired as well. Even though I don't physically go to work everyday; doesn't mean I don't work here at home......I do believe me, and probably more than I did at any of my jobs previously. I'd just like to tell you that at my age; I am always ready for my husband when he comes home and I truely believe I owe it to my supplements I have been taking for 9yrs now! They truely have helped me and not to brag, but many people tell me I look like I'm 29 or 30ish.....can you believe it? I'm so greatful that the good Lord put them in my path!

Josephine - posted on 09/15/2010

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Ask for help, I know most mothers & wives don't like asking for help.....but ask for some help from whoever is willing. Even with help you might only see a small window of opportunity...but that's all you need starting off. Take the time to greet each other, just simple eye contact can say it all without words. Let him hold you for just a quick minute...and that alone could possibly melt all the stress away...it works for me :) Baby steps....then before you know it things as you know it will have changed!!!! Good Luck!

Maie - posted on 09/15/2010

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I need some .. but how ??
I have no time no effort for me and my husband
need your advice

Melissa - posted on 09/14/2010

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we are in the same boat. but at least once a week we will do a night just us. and then we are tierd the next day .but it made our relationship stronger.the children goes to bed around 8 every night and they understand on monday nights its mommy and daddy night.but another thing we do.is makea day for each one of the children.

Dawn - posted on 09/13/2010

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May I just say--have sex in the morning when you wake up. We find it is the best time of the day--we are both rested, haven't gotten mad at anyone yet, and are alone in a bedroom! My 13 year old daughter told me that she had a joke for me when I got home from my meeting on Saturday. She said it's too funny I can't stop laughing--"who gets up at 6:00 in the morning to have sex?" I don't know I said. "YOU DO!" she said laughing. It appears that with her new schedule of getting up at 5:30 am to get the school bus, she must be waking up earlier and heard us. Oh well--I used to think it was really gross when I knew my parents were having sex too!

Katoya - posted on 09/12/2010

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Its funny because we were just talking about this. im 21 and we have a 3 month old son. and from trying to finish college to get our careers started to juggling work, we have no time on our hands just to be able to have quality time. Im always so tired when I come home. my schedule is ; school.work.come home play with my son, feed him, put him to sleep, shower,snack, sleep! and its the same daily routine!

Vonda - posted on 09/12/2010

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I can relate to your feelings but its all about your mind set. Its like everything else in life that you must do. Let your husband know eactly how you feel and allow or encourage him to help you unwind and relax. A compassionate partner will help you to make it through.

Becky - posted on 09/12/2010

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Me & My man used to stay up all night on weekends around a camp fire just talking. It was a great time & then we'd spend our days out fishing, canoeing & Swimming with my daughter. We've lost a lot of that now 2 years into living together. Fixing the house, working, school & my daughter tend to get in the way of us. We still get out fishing & canoeing, but it hasn't been the same this summer as it was. Last night I think we finally reconnected again. Daughter was at a sleep over so we planned a relaxing evening watching a movie at home (we were both so tired for house work neither of us wanted to take advantage & go out). Instead, we started talking about all kinds of things, funny, serious, important & not so much. We covered topics of life & death, love, family, religion, and utter nonsense! It was so wonderful and I suddenly feel closer to him than I have in 2 years.

Lucia - posted on 09/11/2010

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I do have time and mood for sum loving time -once or twice a week, I work full time and my hubby does too at nights and I work days, is challenging but Sundays AND Mondays we set time x us "sans" baby at least one day, or we put him to nap...if sent away with a sitter or relative better because lets face it, no sexy time w screaming baby...
Dunno, is hard to reconnect, but don't wanted to let ourselves go after having baby, so we make time x us, at the beginning didn't work, is like we where in different channels but slowly kindo start to understand you need some time away from the baby talk, and ask a honest "how are you?" etc ...works for me, I know is hard *sigh

Pet - posted on 09/11/2010

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Go to bed early, then in the early hours of the new day when the kids are asleep, you find that you do have the energy for him. The balance of the day is a slam dunk.

Joan - posted on 09/10/2010

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I always feel like I could sleep for a week. I have a five year old daughter who is very demanding. I work full time. I am a writer and a violin student. The only help I get is from my mom who entertains my daughter while I practice violin. I sleep four hours a night. I write and edit from the time my daughter settles in with her movies until I go to bed at about 1 in the morning. Time for my man...hah! Surely you jest.

Natascha - posted on 09/10/2010

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Thank god.. and i thought it was me an my hormones... I am so tired that my sex drive has totally vanished... i wish there was a pill i could take and get it back.. I know my husband would really appreciate that... ladies any ideas???

Sherea - posted on 09/10/2010

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yes! make it a priority... I know too well the effects of not doing so... my issue is the opposite of yours and it has effected my marriage immensely... a friend of mine had an affair and nearly ended his marriage because his wife chalked up her being tired and "not in the mood" to being "normal"... normal or not are you willing to risk your marriage because you're too tired to work on it??

this goes for men and women alike!!!

Josephine - posted on 09/10/2010

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In the beginning no, but now I do....I have a husband that helps me more than most...but it's really not the time that's the issue here. It's more the time to unwind so you can be mentally ready for the time together. What I do now is request silence in my car when I'm driving home...and it helps me unwind and relax before walking in my door...to whatever awaits me...or when I'm stressed or annoyed...I request silence...and I get out of my mood...it works for me...but I think my problem is the mental overload that drains my energy....but the energy part...I say take some vitamins....something that boosts energy..or try changing your diet to add those missing nutrients naturally. You can also try exercising experts say it helps improve your energy levels...don't know how...but they say it does.

Angie - posted on 09/10/2010

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I'm always tired due to working shift work full time but I always make an effort to spend some time with my Husband once my Daughter goes to bed, even if it's to watch a tv show he likes with him and cuddle on the lounge a little. It is a little harder now as I am currently pregnant with Baby Number 2 and it's taking a lot out of me, but I love spending time with my Husband. I normally have time and make energy for intimate nights, but sometimes he's too tired for me. lol. I guess it's just a balance of what works for you, but I cherished my relationship prior to having children and that's one that I didn't want to lose after having children. I've seen plenty of relationships fizzle out due to lack of time spent together. The last few months we have made a family day, where every Sunday when I'm not working, we all go out somewhere (Park, breakfast, lunch, picnic, etc) to spend the day together as a family and when we go home and our Daughter has a nap, then my Husband and I spend our alone time together.
No matter how tired we are, we always do that at the least.

Caroline - posted on 09/10/2010

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there was a time i was used to be so tired that i didnt have time for my bf i realissed the strain in our rship and i made a list that would help me organise my work in the office and at home i got some free 45 mins just for him

Pami - posted on 09/09/2010

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no because he doesn't get home till 11:00 pm or later. When I get home at 7 pm I have two childrens homeworkd to tend to a father in law and dinnner to make so no energy left and it sucks!

Nelly - posted on 09/09/2010

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I feel the same...but I am going to follow these recommendations...they sound like fun...taking a quick nap cuddling together helps too ;-)

Line - posted on 09/09/2010

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i really don't have anything left in me for anything, but i do still take time for us even though i'm exausted. Couples do need time together.

Brigette - posted on 09/09/2010

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I am truly blessed to have a husband who works at night, that gives me plenty of time to recharge. When he get's home, we spend at least one hour together...having breakfast, talking, etc. On the days he's off and my work day's been stressful, he runs my bath and have dinner ready..so all I have to do is relax and recharge!!! No matter how busy your life gets, always save a little energy for your spouse!!! It will be well worth it!!!!

Cookie - posted on 09/09/2010

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No not really beacuse I have to help the kids with homework washing clothes and just making sure everything is straight in the household.Men don't understand what we do as stay-at-home moms they think its easy.

Liz - posted on 09/09/2010

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Energy.......What's that???????

Dolores - posted on 09/09/2010

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I honestly can say that I have no energy at all. But after all three of my kids are asleep I also take a nap with them. Then I wake up again just to make love and we both are happy. I love it more like this than when we do it and am not in the mood. A nap could do wonderful things.

April - posted on 09/09/2010

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I feel most of you ladies! I was recently just laid off of my job, I worked as a Marketing and Public Relations Rep which required me to make networking functions, daily, do lunch meetings, call on vendors, etc., etc., etc. and honestly since I 've been home, I'm EVEN MORE EXHAUSTED than I was when I was a crazy woman at work-Lol! That sounds crazy to a person with no kids right, i'm sure and I've literally had folks tell me that I'm soooo very lucky to be home, you should get plenty of rest now....What!?!?:-)! Anyways, this is why I created & founded, 'Struggling To Balance It All', my own little fb site and blog to just get it all out. With this group, we've had girls (Mommies) get-aways and so much more coming. Okay, yes, it seems that I've added more to my day but honestly this is the part of the day (blogging and updating my 'STBIA' fb page and talking with other mommies who are where I am) that I truly look forward to!

I agree with one of the other mommies on here, it's all about 'finding the balance', wherever that is-Lol!

Good Luck ladies & check out my fb page & my blog when you get a chance, "Struggling To Balance It All". I'd love to hear some of your thoughts and opinions on some awesome 'Mommy' topics!

Martina - posted on 09/09/2010

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like it - the first post I mean

Mayura - posted on 09/08/2010

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That's the reason I quit my job. No energy for Husband nor kid. I didn't even have the energy to listen to my daughter. I would ask her to keep quiet.

Now I have quit and able to give time to both, but every 3rd or 4th day, I am so tempted to get back to work.

Sofia - posted on 09/08/2010

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I'm not married but I have the same Question in a way.My guy & I have 3 girls beetween us & are both super busy ( him more than me) ,he's only home 1 day a week & were both beat when he gets here. We usually fall asleep during conversations, then have more stamena in the mornings. The little time I spend with him is all that gets me through everything els. I'd say it acctualy energizes me. I just wonder if it will always work that way for us. If we continue the morning rutine after we're rested maby it will.

Samantha - posted on 09/08/2010

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I know how that feels. Between work and the kids its like i just want to crash when they go to bed. My kids are about 15mths apart. My husband works from about 3 in the afternoon till about midnite. He comes home and its like i just want to sleep.I try so hard to stay awake to spend time with him but if we watch a movie i fall asleep. Its exhausting!