Gator - posted on 07/26/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )
I'm not a perfect wife or mother. I certainly have my faults. My biggest fault is maybe not caring enough when I should. But, I have found that what I value and respect seems to be different from my husband and children, and it is pushing me to the point of exhaustion that I have thought more than once of just walking out the door. Family means everything to me. No matter what was going on in my family growing up, we fixed the problem and respected each other. Family meant forever. Why can't I carry that same mentality with my own family? It sickens me. I don't ask for a huge house, a flush bank account, a position in society circles. I just want to be loved and respected and am getting neither from my hubby and kids. They do love me...when they get something in return. The minute I screw up say put a red sock in with the whites or am a day late on a bill, forget to do something like pick up milk, the whole freaking world crashes down. While yes, having a pink sock can be disappointing and annoying does it deserve to be made to feel like you're dumb and don't know how to properly do laundry? Of course the vast majority of the put downs come from money issues, lack of enough sex in my husband's eyes, and my weight. With the kids, I don't schedule enough play dates, don't let them watch whatever they want to, make them clean their rooms. Normal stuff right?
I'm just exhausted. Both boys are under the age of 7. Both with special needs. I have maxed out my vacation and sick time on the kids each of the last 4 years, and found out that hubby has 3 weeks of time off to use before Dec. He always told me he didn't have time off from work to take the kids to the doctor. I have a college degree, and have had outstanding professional work consistently. I recently started working from home full time with my current employer to care for the kids. Again, hubby demanded that this needed to be done because their situations were out of control. For the first time in my life I am now failing at my career and face possibly getting fired. I am to care for their needs, work full time, keep the house clean, have dinner, make as much money as before if not more, and "cherish" this time with my children happily because they will get older and move away. Trust me I would LOVE to do all of that in an 8 hour work period, and it breaks my heart that I am here with my kids, but not really "here." I'm tired of cleaning only to have it wrecked within an hour. I'm done asking. If they want to live in a pig pen they can. I feel like I have no value to my family other than to make sure their underware is clean and they have food on the table. God, I could keep going on but then I would sound like a bitter witch. I'm just lost and really don't care right now. I need help. No one wants to step up and help.