Laura - posted on 05/07/2010 ( 69 moms have responded )
My daughter thinks she is in charge of the house at 14. We set the rules down. Send her to her room is she breaks the rules but she continues to do the same thing. What should I do?
Laura - posted on 05/07/2010 ( 69 moms have responded )
My daughter thinks she is in charge of the house at 14. We set the rules down. Send her to her room is she breaks the rules but she continues to do the same thing. What should I do?
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Amy - posted on 05/28/2010
She sounds like a "Typical teenager." Stick to your guns. Make sure that the line between you is clear. You are her mom, not one of her girl friends. You should make sure that she understands that you are an authority figure, that there is no negotiating, and trying to go around your authority is not permitted.
I'm not saying that you should not get along with your daughter. Far from it. Have an open relationship with her, but make sure that she understands that you are to be respected as an authority figure.
In the end, stick to your guns. Follow through with your threats and punnishments. Also, remember where she "lives" ie, what punnishments hurt the most: no phone (cell or land line), no computer, no visitations or visiting friends, no social activities. From my expierence, these things being removed affect the teen most.
Stephanie - posted on 05/27/2010
thank you ladies, though it wasn't my question, your responses were golden. My 14 yr old is making me nuts. She is getting ready to go stay at her dad's for a couple weeks when school gets out and I feel completely evil looking forward to the break from the attitude!
Dorothy - posted on 05/27/2010
Hi Laura, I wish this post came with some wonderful words of wisdom but unfortunately I havent found the answer to this question either. My daughter is 13 and behaves the same way. No punishment I hand out seems to bother her. Its very frustrating has you already know. I really just wanted to say that you are not alone in this battle with the teenage daughters of the world.
TARIAN - posted on 05/21/2010
PICK A DAY WHEN IT IS JUST YOU AND HER AND TALK TO HER TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HER, HOW SHE'S FEELING AND IF THERE IS ANYTHING BOTHERING HERE, MAYBE SHE JUST NEEDS SOME ATTENTION OR JUST MOM AND DAUGHTER TIME.
Laura - posted on 05/21/2010
Sheila, You are so right. Tonight is the 8th grade dance and I told her she couldnt go. I even returned her dress and shoes. She is coming home on the bus, so I guess she already suspects something is up. We will see today. Will keep you posted.
Lucy - posted on 05/21/2010
Hey, I can fully understand. Our oldest daughter will be 16 in Sept and we have been experiencing this behaviour from her since about 11 yrs old. The one good thing is that we have made the connection with her that her behaviour is mostly hormonely driven. She does not act up like this all month, but the week before her P, look out. Laura, to be honest, we have found that giving our daughter "some space" has helped wonders. We pick our battles carefully, as we have two other younger children in the house and we have to be careeful what behaviour they are exposed to as well. Sometimes, in my opinion, walking away, or ignoring her, has been the best thing that we can do. If she doesn't get a reaction out of me, she doesn't like that, and eventually she just stops. This doesn't always work, but we have noticed that as she gets older, she too is figuring things out. Do hold your ground with her. Believe it or not, there are more times now that she will tell me or show me how much she loves me, than when we used to let her get her way all the time.
Hang in there and remember how much you love her. This too shall pass.
Alison - posted on 05/20/2010
Her room is her sanctuary. Sending her there is not a punishment unless there is no privacy there, like maybe no door. What are the consequences? You need to have a punishment to fit the offense. For example when our daughter wouldn't quit dressing like a hoochie mama we took her clothes away and gave her only sweat pants and sweatshirts to wear.
Amanda - posted on 05/18/2010
I know times have changed over the years, but think about what you did as a teenager that annoyed your parents - and how they dealt with that. Instead of making her sit in her room to "think about" what she did wrong, give her a punishment that will make her really think before she does it again. I like the idea of taking away like a laptop or phone priveledges. If you send her to her room, she will only stew more about the situation and become more angry with you. Good Luck.
Judy - posted on 05/18/2010
I would suggest you take some of the things away she enjoys doing until things get better. Does she have a cell phone, computer, or games? When you take some of the items from her let her know that when she stop breaking the rules, she will get them back. At the age of 14, she should be doing work at home like washing the dishes, cleaning her room, and cook dinner. If she does not know how to cook, teach her some good dishes to fix. This will allow you more time to talk with her at home. Spend as much time with her as you can. Let her know you are there for her and tell her you love her more. Our young teenagers need to hear from us more.
Dawn - posted on 05/17/2010
You were not really clear on what the rules were that she broke. Are you sending her to her room for using bad language, breaking curfew, not doing chores?? The reason I ask is because it doesn't sound like the punishment fits the crime if if she gets sent to her room every time she does something wrong. Also, most teens like hanging out in thier rooms.
Christi - posted on 05/16/2010
Yuck! Power struggles are no fun. Revisit the rules. Sit down as a family and come up with 4-6 (no more) rules of the house (meaning adults have to follow too when appropriate.) You should decide them together so that she has some ownership in the process. This is an important time for her where she's establishing that she's her own person BUT there are reasons we have rules. We have to be able to live together and we have to keep our children safe. I say, stick to your guns on the rules that involve treating you and the rest of the family with respect (that includes some housekeeping btw) and those rules that keep her safe. Be willing to get rid of stupid rules that are clearly there because as adults we feel we need to control everything. Post them and revisit them when there are infractions. Ask her what she feels a fair punishment would be. If she has a computer and TV in her room, going to her room probably isn't much of a punishment...remember, they don't WANT to be around us when they're that age. There's a great book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg that can help you navigate these waters. Rise above and don't buy into the power struggle. Be honest and respectful even when she's being a total jerk to model what proper behavior should be. Be sure to let her know how her actions affect you and the rest of the family. Half the fun of a fight for the person who starts it is to see the other person react...and don't teens know just which buttons to push. On your end, every time you feel deep anger or hurt in your gut, you will know you are reacting on a visceral level. Acknowledge the feelings and feel them, but DO NOT REACT. Some times that may mean a discussion has to wait until you are calm enough to deal with the blows that will come your way. I had great success with my daughter by saying we had both had a choice. I explained that I have the benefit of experience and that I am well aware of the dangers and desires related to being a teen. Rules are established so that we can live as harmoniously and safely as possible. You can acknowledge that you know you can spend the next 4 years in a constant battle or you can both choose to do your best to treat each other with respect. Good luck and stay strong!
Sheila - posted on 05/15/2010
you also continue to do the same thing. CONSISTENCY.. is key! I swear my oldest daughter spend most of her teenage years grounded. I tried to tell her she'd have so much more freedom, is she followed the few rules that were in place. But she insisted to always just do what she wanted. Even forced me to take away homecoming.. trust me.. she was warned and I tried not to, but had to show her that we meant it. Because it was her senior year, though, and she lost it over something completely stupid (snuck out for a couple of hours of toilet-papering while grounded - knowing the results ahead of time)!! My husband and I let her dress up and we were her escorts to the dance, but she had to come back home with us immediately afterward. She was, oddly enough, grateful for that... although, you'd think from her behavior, that she wanted to miss it. Kids! Stick to your guns. Some kids are sooo easy, and others just are always testing limits. That same daughter (who I fondly refer to as my "wild child from hell" is now a very competent and loving wonderful mother of a 1 year old son, almost 30 yrs. old and one of my best friends!! Good luck, stay strong.. love (and/or) tough love will prevail!! :)
Shelia - posted on 05/15/2010
If she thinks she's in charge of the house then your message is not strong enough! Set her straight immediately! She's not in charge of the house because she doesn't pay the bills or have a job. If she continues to do the same thing then what your doing is not working. Find something that will really hurt! Try not sending her to her room-maybe her room is a refuge and not a punishment. Take everything away-cell, computer, friends. Put her on a strict schedule after school so she doesn't have time to fight you. Make her sign her name by every chore that she has done so she can see her accountability. Also, if she thinks she's in charge of the house then she can start paying the bills!
Valerie - posted on 05/15/2010
I work with delinquent teenagers as well as ones who suffer from mental disorders. They often push the limits and are constantly breaking the rules laid out for them. One thing to keep in mind is that they have a lot of things spelled out for them...what to do in school, after school, when they can drive, vote, drink, etc. Most teens just want to have some control over their own life and try to exert this control by breaking your rules...even if they agree with the rules. I would suggest letting her know that you understand her issues, find out what she wants to be doing, and make the rules together. I don't know what your house rules are or your family dynamics, but this could be a great time to teach her that family means working together. I, the parent, am working with you, the child, to set up some rules that work for her and you. Then, don't be afraid to hold her accountable. If you are worried about how she might respond to having free reign on some things, offer her choices instead...you can watch tv or play a game. Then the choices are ones you approve of but allow her to have some control. And also explain that since it is your house, you have the final say but value her input. It also shows her how to problem solve without acting out in negative ways.
Lindsay - posted on 05/15/2010
I'm a Juvenile Probation Officer. If things don't get better, start affecting your other children, or you just get to your wits end, you can contact your local Prosecutor's Office and file a petition of Incorrigibility. If they've never gotten into trouble at the legal level, it won't hurt them much, but having to go in and stand before a Judge one time is often enough to scare a juvenile straight.
If its not to that point, I'd recommend maybe having her go see a counselor if you have insurance. 14 is a tough age, and she may just be trying to exert her independance. That, coupled with the fact that she's still a child, come into conflict. Counseling does not mean that anything is "wrong" with the child - just that they need a little outside help. And in doing so, you find someone who's helping you too. Couseling is so much more common than people talk about it. No one wants to say they or their children are in counseling because of the negative stigma associated with it. But its soooo more popular than some people think.
Lacosta - posted on 05/15/2010
buy her something she rreally likes and take it away from her. lol
Jayna - posted on 05/14/2010
I've heard that reply many times and many more plus... Moms are good at that one!! :-) Good luck
Laura - posted on 05/14/2010
Many thanks to all of your great advise. I am definately making some headway. Last night my daughter wanted to watch her tv show and I wanted the house quiet. I told Her no, stuck to it and she finally decided that it was not worth the fight and backed down. She said why cant I watch my show and I said this is my house my rules. I am in charge. I pay the bills. When you have you have your own place you can make the rules. As long as your are living in our house.
Esther - posted on 05/14/2010
Hahaha. I have one too. Its worse during her time of the month. I just smile, take a deep breath, hug her, and tell her you love her. It actually works. Some time they just need to know you love them no matter what they do. Besides some rules are made to be broken. Good luck.
Zoanne - posted on 05/13/2010
Start taking things away like maybe she has a laptop or a cell phone or ask your daughter if there is anything bothering her like school,friends maybe she feeling upset about things. Hope this helps
Dana - posted on 05/13/2010
Is there any room for compromising.I don't know what rules are being broken, but maybe you and dad, can sit her down figure out something. Just stick to ur guns on the big things.
Jayna - posted on 05/13/2010
Well, not that I've gone through that as a mother yet, but 14 wasn't too far back for me. I remember how I was. Children do well with praise. If they think they are always getting in trouble, they'll keep doing it because that is the only way they are getting attention. Now days- sending a child to their room- well when I got in trouble that was nothing. I didn't mind that- the punishment wasn't severe. If you possible make the punishment more severe each time, it might die down. Room, then no friends, then no t.v computer phone for a set amount of days, then a week... etc. The more severe the punishment the less likely they are to do it again. I pray for you, boy do I remember my teenage years, No wonder my mom is happy to be grandma.
Amanda - posted on 05/13/2010
I say, hit her where it counts. Teenagers tend to be very attached to there possession. Kinda territorial. Their bedrooms are their kingdom, their sanctuary. If she chooses to continue, start removing items from her room with the understanding that she can earn them back with good behavior.
Susan - posted on 05/13/2010
My daughter is 10 1/2 and she thinks she rules the roost!!! We lay down rules and such and it just about being consistent all the time..It gets old, but consistency works!!!
MARTHA - posted on 05/13/2010
It is a hard age for all of us, but if you follow your heart which is also your daughters, They will always repent for everything they put you through,but it takes alot of tears on both ends.
Carma - posted on 05/13/2010
Look at your rules and see if they are resonable? sometimes what we think are important to our kids they are silly.
Maybe go over the rules with her and get her to decide what she thinks is a better rule and then decide if that will work for all of you.
Lots of kids like to go to their rooms cause then they dont have to deal with any issues they can have time alone and not have to talk to us. The hard thing for them is to have to sit and talk with us about issues. Maybe try it.
Good luck and i hope that this helps.
Gill - posted on 05/13/2010
welcome to being a mum I have three daughters so you can imagine what I went through. she needs to mature but it will pass
Basia - posted on 05/13/2010
Hi Laura, Stick to your guns and be consistent with the consequences for her actions. You may want to rethink the sending to the room idea though, what teenager dosen't enjoy being by themselves in their room, these days it's not much of a punishment for them. Does she have a cell phone or computer use? Those may be more effective to restrict her from and maybe make her think twice about her actions. Make sure she knows exactly why she is being punished and for how long.
Tara - posted on 05/13/2010
No argument here! It IS important to TALK to your kids regardless of their age; however, it is equally as important to be Mom FIRST and bff's SECOND. My son is also very open with me, and we can joke about a LOT of things that he says other kids wouldn't feel comfortable talking with Mom about. I do have the advantage of being younger than the "average" parent of a teenager. My son is able to appreciate that, and it is definitively advantageous. I do still feel, though, that as important as a close relationship/friendship is (and don't misunderstand that I do agree 100% that it IS important) you do have to also be clear that you're MOM first and YOU are in charge.
Cathy - posted on 05/13/2010
I have read all the statments that have been posted, and tho i mite agree with some I dont agree with them all. Im not saying it wouldnt work cause it may. My daughter is almost 14 and I'v never really had any trouble out of her. (yet). I try to be her best friend as well as her mother we spend alot of time laughing and talking about what goes on at school. She talks to me about the boys she likes and how katie talked bad about jannie. We talk about how both mite be feeling and how as a friend she can help both without getting caught up in it. I do be her mother also there are times i have to buckle down on her and when i have to she listens to me and it hurts her because the best friend has stepped down and mother has stepped in, AND ONE OF THE KEY THINGS IS WE TALK ALOT ABOUT GOD. So try this or not but i no its works for us and I respect her more for being so growed up about it.
Tara - posted on 05/13/2010
Hi! I have had some of the same issues with my son. He is going to be 15 soon. I've found that creating a structured schedule and sticking to it NO MATTER WHAT has helped. He was at a point where he didn't find it necessary to ask permission to do things, and of course it would end in argument and groundings. SO...we implemented a very strict after school and evening schedule. He is required to study, do homework and/ or read for a minimum of 40 minutes each day. He is "allowed" 30 minutes after he gets home to have a snack, talk to his g/f etc. Once that 30 minutes is up, it's time for the hard core schedule to kick in. I also gave him weekly "chores" such as cleaning his room and one bathroom once a week, and he is responsible to help with yardwork when necessary. Along with this structure he is also on a "reward" system. If his grades are where they need to be, and if he is sticking to our agreement then he is rewarded with a "free day" or something else applicable. It's actually beneficial for the whole family. He has really started to apply himself in school, and his "attitude" has changed drastically for the better. Don't get me wrong...he IS still a teenager of course and we have our moments...but it is FAR more managable this way. He is aware of his responsibilities, and he gets his time to "be a kid." He knows exactly what is expected of him, and by sticking to our guns NO MATTER WHAT he is also aware of consequences. He's lost his cell phone AND his computer (which to a teenager is apparently the equivalent of ripping their heart directly out of their chest LOL)...one week of that CONSISTENTLY was enough to get the message across so that now the THREAT of it USUALLY works just as well ... Again, he's still a teenager and he does still have his "moments" because once they hit about 13 they're suddenly privy to all the secrets of the universe! LOL. BUT...it does work out better for everyone this way. Hope this helped!
Maddie - posted on 05/13/2010
Ground her and be consistent! I have one like that - also let her know if you are disapointed or feel let down by her. Let her know that there is consequence to every one of her actions! Good luck!
Denise - posted on 05/12/2010
it may sound childish but let her know you mean business....take something away until she does what she's told and she needs to go by your rules until she is 18 and living in your house...she needs to show you respect!!! good luck...
Jean - posted on 05/12/2010
You tell that your daughter "...thinks she is in charge of the house..." Possibly, at a time when all is peaceful and prearranged with you, your husband, and your daughter, sit down and write out rules that SHE would like to see implemented at home. Let her be in charge of a rule or two - if it goes well, add another rule she wants implemented. It could be something as simple as wanting you to fold the clothes in a bedroom rather than the diningroom table. Allow her a couple rules that are reasonable for you to follow and let her try it out-being in charge. She's at the age of discovery about who she is apart from you and home is where kids learn about how they can deal with everyday life. Also, if there is one or two rules that you want imposed - they have serious consequences for the whole family - explain (once again) the rationale for the rule and maybe even bend a little on the details. An example might be: You want her home by 7:00 pm before she goes to another event, so that you can communicate about her day and refresh both of your memories about when she should be home from any evening event. At this age, be sure you are the one picking her up from an evening event. Another example is homework is to be done before ANY television. That could mean no one in the family has the TV on until her homework is completed. Maybe there is something she is doing for homework that could become a family project. Have her see both you and your husband reading and writing - have it a homework time for the whole family. You could write a letter, your husband could read his car magazine. :-) Ask her questions about a report she's writing - treat her as you would another adult - with respect and curiosity. I wish I'd have done more of the above with my daughter. (She is now 40 and raising her own 14 yr old and 5 yr old). (She turned out okay, is a responsible citizen, maintains a job outside of the home, manages to get to all the events the girls are involved in and encourages learning in daily living).
Margaret - posted on 05/12/2010
I agree w/ the previous response about sticking 2 your guns. Consistency and unconditional love are VERY important for teenage girls. They're screaming on the inside, "I need boundaries, I don't know everything yet, but I'm trying 2 figure this thing called life out for myself", but they won't ADMIT that verbatim. Keep taking her currencies away (tv, phone, computer, free time, privileges, etc.), enforcing the rules, do whatever U have 2 do. Oh, yeah, and the fact that she thinks that parents aren't necessary? She doesn't know how good she even HAS it by living in a loving environment w/ rules 2 protect her....I have 2 girls, and I dread moments like these, so any direction that U could give ME would be helpful, too.
Tough love, sometimes, it's all U can do. This is the time when U HAVE 2 b ok w/ her saying, "I hate you", "you're no fun", etc., and sometimes, the best and only thing U can do is nothing.
Keep tabs on her friends, inspect her bag b4 she leaves 2 go out w/ her friends....if she has a cell phone, keep track of the numbers that are on the bill, restrict her txt/calling plan. What teenagers don't tell us when we're just trying 2 converse w/ them, we parents have 2 do the digging so that we know what we're dealing with :)
Good luck, hang in there, breathe, and just keep telling yourself that UR doing a great job. I hope I helped!
Sonja - posted on 05/11/2010
Hang in there it's a tough road. I am coming to the end of the road. I have a daughter who is 17 - a Junior. She has gotten better with the attitude and listening but her grades are still an issue. Because we stuck to our tough love and consistant punishment she eventually realized that we were not going to give in or give up on her. She now will clean with out being told if she wants to go because she knows the rules. I know it's not the end of being a parent when they turn 18 but I am hoping it will be a different experience. I can't wait to be the best friend that we just can't seem to be while she is a child. Good Luck and don't give in.
Janelle - posted on 05/11/2010
Sit down with her, and make her sign a contract let her know that she has to take ownership of her actions... Not sure if she has a cell phone are any other extra things, but take them away from her.. another thing that works if you questions her on why is she acting out... Be consistent with your rules,,, Its so easy for us parents to break rules because the child will continues to bug the hell out of us that we will take them off of their punishment...
Deirdre - posted on 05/11/2010
Leverage is key - find out what's important to her (cell, sports, etc) and make that a privilage for doing what she is supposed to do - not a "right" for being your child. They will push ... and if they see a soft spot, they will use it to their advantage. When she is 20 - you will get your daughter back!!! Until then, discipline is the key! Hold on... Deirdre
Kristy - posted on 05/11/2010
How about giving chores that she hates doing? I have a calendar at home where each child has a chore to do. Then I've got other chores that can be done if they decide to break rules. For instance picking up dog doo..lol. Nobody likes doing it, but it has to get done right?!
Darlene - posted on 05/11/2010
Stay strong and consistent. She's probably determined to outlast your discipline. Probably thinks you'll cave before her.
Jackie - posted on 05/11/2010
I wish there was a magical potion we could send you too help. If you feel that you need to send her than by all means thats your right as a parent. If shes getting physical with you then its prbably your best bet.
Stacie - posted on 05/11/2010
My sister is the exact same way with my mother and she is 14 yr old. I reckon its just a phase as Im pretty sure i did the same at that age also. Your better off just sitting her down and telling her how u feel if that doesnt work take pocket money off her or her fave film or music until she listens
Julie - posted on 05/11/2010
I have a daughter that just turned 15. She was the same way when she turned 14. She still likes to try to pull her weight when she can though. We ended up taking away things that she liked. Her phone or computer privliges, or anything she liked. It worked. It just takes time. But they really like what they got or can do. They miss it when it's gone. Hope this helps. Julie
Krystal - posted on 05/11/2010
i was that same way at 14 and now that i am 20 with a 17month old little boy (who already has an attitude like i did...yay lol) im seeing why my parents did the things they did. i had my cellphone taken from me, given more chores, was not allowed to use the house phone, go outside when i had friends stop by, they took my door to my bedroom, my makeup, and everything that i had in my room that wasnt a necessity like my tech stuff and decorations was taken down and stored in bags and boxes. i was allowed 7 outfits and basically my only alone time was in the bathroom...i was monitored constantly even at church i was not allowed to sit with my friends...this would happen repeatedly until i straightened out and as i did better i could earn things back and pick what things i wanted to work towards first. this would go on for months...i was hard headed lol. i wasnt always given explanations for why they were giving me the punishments and i do wish that would have been different. i think it is important to be open with your kids and to let them see that real life has real consequences...and teenagers ALWAYS want to know why haha. but stick to your guns. also having a family member to help works too...i was sent my junior year from wi to ohio to live with my grandma because my parents could no longer handle me. living with her was VERY good for me, for one she did not take ANYONES crap but at the same time she rewarded me for being good, if i did not skip class and i did all my homework and was passing my classes, i was allowed to go and have fun with my friends...and if i stepped out of line she was quick to let me know, she once took all of the extra features including texting and voicemail off my phone while i was at school because i wouldnt break up with a boy she didnt want me around and i tried to tell her that she couldnt tell me who i was allowed to date or how to run my life...i broke up with him that night. be strict. we need it...we'll learn eventually and we will definitely thank you for it later. as much as we think we dont need you then...we do! dont give up :D
Annaliza - posted on 05/11/2010
talk to her first tell her the reasons why you have to do that...and think also the rules that you did...maybe it is too hard for her...communication is the best so that both parties could understand both sides
Maria - posted on 05/11/2010
Sit down with her and make a set of "reasonanble" rules together and come up with consequences that are logical. In our house, I have found that establishing just a few rules is much easier than a big long list and when we seem to be doing well with one, I just replace it with the next thing on my "wish list" of rules. Right now, the only rules (outside of the safety ones such as wearing a bike helmut) are to never set something down, put it away and eat and drink at the kitchen table only. If their room is messy, I charge $17/hour to clean just like the maid. I have no problem cleaning the house but my 14-yr old boys are responsible for their own room and if it isn't clean, I will clean it but they get charged. After the rules are established, just remember less talking is better. The rules are there, they don't need to be discussed, debated, whined about, etc... Don't be reactionary, just keep repeating the rule!!
Hilda M. - posted on 05/10/2010
Here's my 2 cents worth...Don't ease up on her with the appropriate rules for her age. Sending her to her room may not be the best location as most teenage rooms are stocked with modern technology that will distract her from the discipline.
Catherine - posted on 05/10/2010
Stick to your guns and don't give in. Just remember, this to shall pass!
Amanda - posted on 05/10/2010
Thanks, I will try it. I have a wonderful husband too. He disciplines her too but she does not seem to understand that we are the parents. I will try it.
Sahnika - posted on 05/10/2010
Take everything she like to do away from her , take the door off her room if she has her own room and decrease allowance if she has it! My ten year old is getting there but I been on her so she's getting better.