How do you not take your exhaustion and stress out on your husband?

Sarah - posted on 01/25/2010 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I am a new mom with a 2 month old and lately I have been finding myself snapping at my husband for not doing everything he "should be". I have a great husband too, we've been married 4 years and so happy to be new parents. He helps feed and change the baby and usually gets up without complaint. But I guess I feel like if I'm working too he should do 50%, so I snap when I feel like I'm doing more. More of the housework, more of the cooking, cleaning, etc. Before it was no problem, now Im so tired and start to feel overwhelmed. I love my husband and dont want to drive him away. I know we aren't there, but I can see how 15-20 years of this can wear someone down.

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both my husband and i work full time.

we have a schedual.
mon, wed and fri are my days to do our daughter. get her up, get her ready for daycare, wash bottles in the afternoon, feed, bath and bed and if need be get up to her during the night.
my hubby does tues, thurs and sunday.

while the other person is doing out daughter we cook dinner and tidy up.

we rock, paper scissors to see who does saturday!
we also take turns having sleep ins on the weekend. saturday is my day, sunday is his!

we found it stops us from getting frustrated at each other for not helping each other or feeling like we are doing more than the other.

its a bit silly i guess to be so strict but at the end of the day its better for our relationship!

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Manuela - posted on 01/30/2010

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take sometime for yourself, maybe 30 minutes or an hour, jus for you, because it can be overwhelming, you feel like you are losing your mind, just take a daily break from the baby, you will feel better when you come back.

Bradi - posted on 01/27/2010

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The following was submitted on STRESS at MyWorkButterfly.com. We are happy to share our members experience in partnership with Circle of Moms- hope it helps:

"A few days ago, as I started to update my Blackberry, reorganize my files and clean out the past years clutter, I realized, I have forgotten about one person on my list- me. I recognized I need help getting back on track. So I called Dr. Janet Taylor, one of New York’s leading psychiatrist and expert on managing anxiety, corporate stress and health enhancement, for some sound advice on how to eliminate my chaos. Dr. Taylor, a regular on NBC’s Today Show, is on the frontline working to improve women’s health issues, and battling the emotional and economic impact of mental illness.

Dr. Taylor, a mother of four girls and president of her company, Mind Projects Inc., told me that first, I need to learn how to take time for myself. I gather it wasn’t a coincidence that when we spoke on the phone while she was in Florida, Dr. Taylor was spending a few days with friends during a “girlfriend getaway weekend.” Dr. Taylor shared with me that she and her girls stop down and take time out, the same time every year to just have fun. Dr. Taylor’s prescription for me to gain clarity, get centered and reduce the stress was paramount, “Crank up your engine. Be mindful of your previous experiences and reflect on the challenging situations that you may have encountered and overcome. Always remember to think about what you have learned from the experiences and write it down,” she shares."

Jessyca - posted on 01/27/2010

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Hi Sarah, My son is 4 months old and in the beginning when I was breastfeeding I was the one who got up with him to feed change his diaper etc. So I know how exhausted you are, we all do! With my husband, of 3 years on Feb 9 (yay), I simply had a heart-to-heart with him explaining how utterly exhausted I was and while he got to sleep I was up with little man every 2 hours sometimes more so I needed him to help out more with household chores. Now, that I am back to work and no longer able to BF, we alternate nights taking care of the baby and while I usually start dinner he jumps in to finish or do dishes! It's really about keeping the communication open so your frustrations don't build up! And remember you both just had a life altering experience it's going to take an adjustment period! GL!

Janice - posted on 01/26/2010

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Okay. I felt this way too with my husband when our daughter was first born. You need to try and take time for yourself. I know that is hard, but it will make all the difference in the world. I know for me, I would take a few hours and go to the mall or get a massage. You are doing it out of tiredness. I'm sure if he has been helpful thus far, it isn't as if he just stopped helping, you are just tired and we all vent like that and blow things up when we are that tired all the time. Plus your world has been rocked majorly by this new gift. As the baby grows, and begins to be less demanding you will not feel this way as often. I promis it does get better. I hope this is helpful.

Jessica - posted on 01/25/2010

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Sarah, it is really, really hard sometimes. Babies are very taxing on a marriage. I can't tell you the feelings of agitation with your husband will go away with time, rather, I can tell you that once you two get a schedule going and set clear boundaries and expectations of each other, you will at least know where you stand. It's perfectly normal to go through a range of motions from anger to sadness to utter elation. If you can, carve out as much (couple) time together as you can. Keep hugging and holding each other, keep saying encouraging words. Eventually, you will learn to laugh about many of the things you are doing now. You don't have to be perfect and neither does he. So what if a load of laundry waits till tomorrow? The dishes don't get put away for one night? Oh well. Being a parent is more than actions. You have to learn to let some things go. Once you two reach that balance, you will find that anger fleeting and momentary compared to the satisfaction of that connection you two have not just as partners, but as parents. Good luck and congratulations on your new baby!

Shelley - posted on 01/25/2010

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I sure know how you're feeling. Both me & my husband work full time & I work 3p-3a. I've tried making out lists to see what he thinks is fair, and so far nothing I've tried has worked. He answers by saying "I won't do anything so you can see what I do" & I can't tell a difference actually. He doesn't even do "man jobs" like taking out the trash regularly or mowing the yard, he occ. does laundry but doesn't like doing baby clothes since he has to pre-treat stains & it takes more time to fold. He does take good care of our girls though.



Sarah, try asking him "I would appreciate it greatly if you could help me by..." My husband does usually respond to that request. Telling him thank you (for small things for like doing dishes, etc.) does seem to boost their ego as well and encourage them to help more. He does sound like he's trying as well if he's doing it without complaint. Maybe you both need to take a date night occasionally if you haven't yet. Don't feel guilty about it either. Everyone deserves a break & occasional adult only time is helpful for reconnecting with your spouse. It will get a little easier once your baby starts sleeping through the night as well. Good Luck!

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