How is it that i dont have mother instincts?

Cassandra - posted on 10/20/2009

I have two little girls and I remember feeling just horrible with my first because all she did was cry and I never could tell what her cries meant. I had read in so many places that I would be able to tell from her cries what she wanted and I never could. I never could with my second either, although she cried a lot less. I also noticed that I bonded more with my girls when we were able to communicate more (they are 2 and 4) and now as we are able to play dress up and other things they like to do. Be patient, it will come. Please don't beat yourself up, it's not anything you're doing wrong!!!

Jessica - posted on 10/20/2009

I've had three c- sections and the hardest one I had trouble bonding with was my middle one. it took a while for me but now I would go crazy without her well all three of them. give it time and hold her and be there as much as you can. it will pass.

Nicole - posted on 10/20/2009

Hi there Rene,

I thought that I would let you know that I have not had any post partum depression that I am aware of... I have two children and my daughter now 19 months old is finally starting to bond with me! It took my son about the same amount of time as well! Both my kids were very attached to their father for the first year and a half! It was really hard on me as a mom but it did get better... now i have a serious all out mommy's boy and my little girl is finally starting to warm up to me! It really feels great when it happens!



Just give it a little bit of time!



Nicki

Suzy - posted on 10/20/2009

you are comparing your "mothering instincts" to those of others. don't do that. you and your daughter will connect in your own way. don't be so hard on yourself. i bet if you relax, it will be soon in coming. I had a similar reaction with my daughter who is six years old now. i felt like that when she was an infant, now i can't imagine my life without her. it's not a race and it will come to you :)

CASSANDRA - posted on 10/20/2009

dont stress. you will learn what your little one wants and needs just like the rest of us moms.. through trial and error, and time together! If you're still down and can't seem to get out of the "funk", maybe you're suffering from post partum and not a lack of instincs? Don't overwhelm yourself, ask for help!

Jolene - posted on 10/19/2009

No, it doesn't come naturally. You work at it, just like you work at any relationship. Make sure you are eating right, getting enough sleep (like that is possible with a new baby) You say you are feeling depressed. Talk to your doctor! Don't wait get to help get to talking or journaling.but get yourself help.

Fallon - posted on 10/19/2009

The fact that you are concerned enough to write it shows that you do have motherly instincts. You instincts told you to seek advice! Just remember that you're a good mommy and sometimes it just a matter of trial and error to see what is wrong. Have faith in yourself because your daughter is putting her trust in you!

Shannan - posted on 10/19/2009

First off, is this your first child? If so, I can say this, by you asking this question and saying that you feel depressed, you do have the mother instinct. You care and love your child. What you need is experience and help. Is your mother around to help with questions, or another friend/relative with children that an help?

I have two children, when my first was born, I was clueless, All I really knew was that I loved her. My mother and grandmother helped me out alot. As she got older, I also went to some parenting classes to help with toddler and school age issues.

You may have some depression, that is normal as well. Talk to you doctor about the depression and see if it is something that is normal or if you may need help. Take a deep breath, smile and love and charish your little angel. Things will get better.

Also this is a good site for advise. Any questions, just ask! Good Luck.

Jamie - posted on 10/19/2009

I would go see your either your family doc or ob/gyn. Either should be able to help you out. Mothering is not a natural ability even though it seems like it should be. Is there someone who can watch your baby for your sometimes? Getting away helps. When you're in the weeds you get overwhelmed and can't respond like you want. I don't know what resources you have or where you live but joining a mommy and me group and seeing how other mothers have the same problems helps. Take care of yourself!

Krystal - posted on 10/19/2009

I felt the same way. I didnt want a kid and now that i have one i would never have one agian. It's not that i dont love her but infancy to me is a pain in the but. Not knowing what they want is a constant guessing game. I had a horrible labor and then at 3 weeks she got colic and at 5 weeks she had rsv and had to be hospitalized. I seriously asked my husband why didnt we get a dog!!! He laughed and said it'll get better just think every day that goes by is one less day she lives at home lol. And i had severe post pardum so to have a hubby tell me that was awesome cuz it made me deel better with the hard times. Now my daughter is 22 months and i love her to death, wouldnt change anything but also i wouldnt do infancy again lol. So now i'm 25 and trying to get a dr to tie me up lol. good luck in that happening apparently i'm to young. You probaly have post pardum too. get to a dr and they will help you big time. I'm sure we all remember the lady who drowned her kids because she had post pardum psychosis. well I would NEVER do that but now that i've had a severe case of post pardum depression i understand how if not treated these things can happen. good luck just remember they are innocent little beings and need all of their mommy get some help so you can give your all.

Maggie - posted on 10/19/2009

Talk to your doc about depression. Sometimes just talking about it is enough to make you feel better but a diet change and exercise or a prescritpion might be needed.

Don't feel guilty about not knowing the difference between the cries - I still have trouble and I have two kids. It can be harder to bond after a C section but just keep taking care of her basic needs (trial and error!) and it'll get easier. We all go through tough times at first but it gets easier when they start to become little PEOPLE...who do stuff and can have conversations.

Stacey - posted on 10/18/2009

I would definitely get checked for PPD. I had it with both of my kids. My second I didn't bond with right away because she was transferred two hours after her birth to another hospital. I didn't get to hold her until she was six days old. There is no shame in having post partum depression. And there is no shame in not having natural instincts as long as you desire to be close to and understand your child. You not wanting her before is inconsequential if you love her so much now. So don't be so hard on yourself.

Gloria - posted on 10/18/2009

No, contrary to what most people believe motherhood doesn't come naturally. It is also a learned behavior. You feeling depressed after giving birth is normal, but it should pass. I would seek help, talk to your doctor first.

Amber - posted on 10/17/2009

Not all "motherly instincts" come naturally. My son Tristan was born 8 months ago and I'm a trauma nurse in a very busy ER. So I very rarely get to spend any time with him my husband is the primary parent. So I know how you feel....I finally took a week off of work to see how things were done and now Tristan and I are connected on a more savasive level than we were when he was first born.

Maribel - posted on 10/17/2009

NO, not always. I've have 5 kids and belive it or not, it was my 4th child that I had that problem with. I tryed breast feeding, she wouldn't take. Rocking her to sleep, all she did was cry. i did everything i had done with my other childen and I felt lost. I would cry cause I started to think there was something wrong with me, what was I doing different or wrong. But after time went by, things got better. I noticed little things that she liked, that I would of never really actually thought of if it wasn't for famiy and freinds. All kids are different and you don't always get that "mothers instincts or bond"with them off the back. Just give it some time and be patient. It doesn't only happen to new moms, like in my case ao don't beat yourself up so much.

Lisa - posted on 10/17/2009

Rene, I know where you are coming from. I never wanted children and poof, I become pregnant. I couldn't get the A word because of my values, so I went ahead with my pregnancy, even after the father pretty much left me homeless and full of all of this emotional dismay!



By the time my child was born, I came to the grips I was going to be a single mother and the father was going to be no where around and I was fine with that. I was not fine with the fact that I was actually having a child! I was, however, never depressed. Just didn't know what to do with a child and having the mind set of never wanting one! For the first two months of my sons life, I called him kid, never called him by his first name. One day that motherly instinct just kicked in and all of a sudden it was a different, my life was different! My son is now 9 months old and I love the little guy to death. Sometimes I felt ashamed of what I thought about the situation! But it's all a learning experience and I am glad to share my feelings with anyone if it will help out just a little bit!



So if you need to seek professional help, seek help, but always through thick and thin, keep your head up high because your child is your most precious being. You may not see it now, but one day it will be very very clear as to why!

Erin - posted on 10/17/2009

go to your doctor..it sounds like you have "post partum depression" and you need to get treated for it..asap...its not that you dont have the instinct its the depression getting in the way of your feeling and is definatly not helping the matter..this is something that most likely will NOT get better on its own and should really get treated...now your not the only one who gets this so dont feel alone in the matter...i think it is 93% of women will have "PPD" after haveing a child some are moderate and some are more severe and it needs to be treated my your "primary care physician"..good-luck

Triana - posted on 10/16/2009

I would have to agree with Linda. It might be post-partum. I would call your doctor and make an appointment. Being a new mom is very overwhelming. I just had my little girl a month ago and I felt like that at the beginning just because certain times she would cry and I wouldn't know why simply because I had fed and changed her already. One point I felt as if she didn't love me simply because my husband would get her from me and she would calm down right away. I just gave it some time and patience and it has gotten a lot better :)

Rene - posted on 10/16/2009

Who do i see a normall doc or a psyciatrist?

Rene - posted on 10/15/2009

thanx a lot.. I just think that it might also be because at first i didnt want her because i was only eighteen when i found out.. but now i love her very much, but im not inlove with the dad anymore.. i just wish everything wil go back to normal again thanx for your help, i also thought it might be because i had a c section, and the dad held her first i only saww her 2 hours after birth he and she has this amazing bond and i always feel left out.. tahnx very much appreciate your help made me think

Rachel - posted on 10/15/2009

You will. It might take longer for other moms than others. Was the birth traumatic? If the labor and delivery took a lot out of you, that could be a big reason, also if you had a C-section, you might not have had a chance to immed. bond with the baby, as opposed to a reg. birth, since the drs. whisk the baby to the nursery to check her out. Is your baby cranky? Not sleeping? A preemie? Requiring a lot of care? If you're overtired, you can't enjoy her and bond, so if there is someone to watch her for even an hour or two so you can nap, refresh, that may make all the difference. The first year is a learning exp. for you and your baby, give both you and your baby time. And trust me, everything will fall into place. Just try to relax, and don't be so hard on yourself. Rachel

Linda - posted on 10/15/2009

You could have postpartum depression.....it can last for a while after giving birth,I would visit your doctor.I still have those feelings and my child is almost 2yrs!

Diana - posted on 10/15/2009

Quoting Rene:

How is it that i dont have mother instincts?

I've had my baby girl about 9 months ago, but i cant seem to connect with her, i don't kknow what to do, i feel so depressed and down because i just cant seem to feel the instincts, when she cries i dont know why, isn't it suppose to come naturaly?

Mothers instincts dont always come natural. You have to take the time and have the patients to listen. its even almost like you can use your common sence sometimes. Just take some time to bond with her. no need to be depressed. you will find that bond and youll need to hold on to it.