Elizabeth - posted on 06/06/2011 ( 2 moms have responded )
My husband and I are both grad students in science, nearly done with our PhD degrees (This is the same as a full time research job, just way less pay). We have a wonderful 2 yr old daughter who spends ~9 1/2 hours at daycare so that we can both get our degrees. My DH’s boss is always pushing him to work more, and I'm always pushing back against that. Recently, my DH came home and said his boss had given him another "productivity talk" and said he wasn't working enough. My DH is already more productive than half the people he works with, but b/c his boss thinks he has potential for so much more, it's just not good enough. Ever. So my DH recently told me he's going to get up earlier to get into work earlier to make his boss happy. He didn't figure another 30-60 min at daycare would really be that big of a deal to our DD (DH does daycare dropoff every day).
At that point, I kind of flipped. Not only does my DD not see her father once or twice a week due to working hours already, but he wants her to spend more time in daycare. My response was to say that I would just take her myself in the morning, and this actually made him mad. Then, this morning, he left (as he now plans to do everyday) before she was even awake. He won't be home tonight until just as she's going to bed, if he even makes that.
I know he has to please his boss, and that he'll have a new boss after we graduate, but I can't stand this!! I already pick up everything (doctor's office visits, sick days, etc.) b/c his boss gets pissed whenever he has a family commitment (i.e. actually using given sick/vacation time). I can't sacrifice much more than I already do, or I will never graduate, but at this point, I'm honestly thinking maybe I shouldn't bother to finish. Other people already spend more time w/ our DD every day than we ever do, and he just wants to make that worse. I can't stomach the thought of her spending even more time away from us, but I am so tired of being the only one who feels this way.
Do I have some antiquated idea of family life that just doesn't exist in a two parent working family?? Is what I want just impossible, and I should just deal w/ my DD being at daycare 10 1/2 hours a day? (I'd love to hear opinions from all working parents, but especially any other grad students/scientists)