I have a 21 year old that goes to college, should she pay room and board?

Nicole - posted on 10/24/2012

Wendy -- I am doing the same thing but last week, I decided I was DONE. I will not help her anymore because she won't help herself. I have 2 other kids in college that don't ask for any help and yet my daughter cannot be responsible so my hubby and I have cut her off financially. I don't care how her rent or other things get paid, she doesn't care if she runs my checking acct to the ground as long as it meets her needs. Well no more, I am done. She needs to hit rock bottom to make her see that she is not there to spend money on other ppl or party up the money she has. She did an overdraw on her bank account of $493 and guess who had to fix it? yep, ME. Not again. My daughter has a excuse or lie for everything. I never know when she is telling the truth or lying anymore so I don't want to know how she is doing but it always turns into, her needing money. So far I am at a week but her rent is due Nov 1 so we shall see if she thinks we are paying but I know we are not.

Carmelita - posted on 04/02/2012

Evelyn, if your daughter is grown, able bodied and doesn't want to contribute to the houselhold then she shouldn't be able to move in. There are plenty of women who pursue modeling but have a job on the side to get them by. I'm sorry but I say cut the cord and let her fend for herself. It will only make her stronger and less likely to become dependent on someone else.

Evelyn - posted on 04/02/2012

I have an daughter who is in school too she is 22 yrs old but also moved out when i had a small studio apt. and now she wants to move back in with me but cant my bf cant allow it plus she dont want to work, she wants to focus on her dream which is modeling I asked her to work and she was like and give up my dream.. I dont know what to do, and i give her money buy her gifts...

Donna - posted on 10/04/2011

geeze lucky girl. i remember when i got my liscense my mom gave me a car and put the insurance in my name and said here you go. I didnt even have a freaking job! I think i would have done the same thing to my daughters if they were working. Not saying that I wouldnt push for them to get a job.

Tina - posted on 10/03/2011

Uhum - It stops when you stop opening your wallet - Sorry.
Is the car in her name or yours? I would give her an allowance that she needs to pay EVERYTHING from - only then will she learn that things cost money. Even better - make the allowance ever shrinking so she'll have to get a job to supplement her income. As long as you keep paying she'll gladly take your money...Sorry you are going through this but to an extend you created the problem by not setting expectations.

Sandy - posted on 09/29/2011

i would tell her if its something that she owns physically, then SHE needs to own up and take care of the expenses for it.. in the case of her dog.. that is HER dog, not YOURS.. therefore SHE should be responsible for taking care of it (i.e. vet bills, food, toys, etc.). i understand you HELPING her financially a time or two if she needs it, but ONLY if she NEEDS it... if she cant pay a $200 vet bill but can go on a shopping spree for a brand new wardrobe, then obviously she's playing you and can afford it, just wants to continue being spoiled and not pay for it bc she knows you'll foot the bill for her. if i were you, i'd put the end to it myself and NOW. if she's in college, then she should be at the point to be able to take care of herself. time to put her big girl panties on and do just that, along with the responsibilities she takes on; i.e. her DOG. no use in putting yourself in the hole bc she doesnt want to grow up. besides, look at it this way; you're teaching her how to take care of things the right and responsible way.. what happens when you are gone and she doesnt have you to fall back on and to pay everything for her? how is she going to make it on her own two feet then? doing this now will prepare her for that step. continuing to do as you're doing is only hindering her ability to move on and take care of things to continue living when you are gone..

Bridgette - posted on 06/11/2010

It all ends when you end it!!!

Bridgette - posted on 06/10/2010

I know u don't like 2 hear it let alone some1 say it u should tell her like any other parent has that if she dont have a job then she should sell what she cant afford otherwise your gonna keep looking after her all her life and maybe get u into debt. She needs 2 wake up and stop been so selfish and get into the real world of reality and learn of what she can and cant afford i know its hard and u wanna take care of her but can u really afford 2 look after u and her as well? That's the real question I would tell her if she wants a car, dog etc tell her 2 get a job like everyone else and stop sponging off people u should have a serious convo with her otherwise it will continue even if u cant afford it she does not really care about who she hurts or uses if u dont want 2 be one of those people u should put your foot down and say no more she is old enough look after herself u did your raising of her and your job is over so now its up 2 her 2 look after herself and what not...... Hope u make the right choice for u after all its not about her.

Nancy - posted on 06/07/2010

When I went to college, my parents and I sat down and discussed how much we could each afford for room and board. I paid for books and any "fun" stuff I wanted. I had to have a job at 17 to "learn responsibility". So, by the time I went off to college, I had a job I could come back to in the summer and I had a job through the school during the school year. If I wanted a car, I had to pay for it and the insurance. Basically anything my parents deemed as extras or non essentials, I had to pay for. I could take the bus or catch a ride. When I was at home, they let me borrow the car as long as they didn't need it. I'm so grateful for all of that. It not only taught me independence, but put me on my way for life's lessons. They were still there for me and if I absolutely needed it, they would help me out as long as I paid them back. I hate to be blunt, but if you're paying for everything, how do you think she's going to feel? I'd sit down and talk to her...she's not going to like it and she may feel like you're abandoning her, but at the same time she's got to learn to stand on her own two feet. See if you can't come to an agreement with her, but realize there may be a fight attached with it. If she doesn't have a job, maybe give her a set time to find a job so she can pay some of the bills. Ease into what you want her to pay so she can get used to paying bills and eventually she'll get the hang of things and hopefully realize that Mom's not always going to be around to bail her out. Good luck!

Kerry - posted on 06/07/2010

im 21 and very indapendant i paid my mum rent from the age of 15 cus i didnt go to college by the time i was 16 i moved out and now i have my own house with a 13 month old boy. so i think u should charge her rent. good luck x x

Bethanie - posted on 06/03/2010

I would normally say no, but it sounds like she completely takes advantage of you. I had to pay for my own housing, food, clothes, etc... when I went to University. I didn't live at home, but I don't see why you couldn't at least get her to pay her own car payment and car insurance bills. If you feel really bad making her pay room and board, you could always do what my friend's parents did. Make her pay about $400/month so that she learns responsibility and then put away a portion of that and give it to her at an important milestone. My friend's parents gave her the money they'd put away for her wedding.

Tasmin - posted on 06/03/2010

In answer to your question, it ends when you say no.

Jackie - posted on 06/02/2010

um depends what she is studying. and how much time she has. but she should get a parttime job so she can at least be responible enough to pay her car payment and insurance. the dog just get doggie insurance to save on vet bills. we have ins and so do dogs.and good luck. but when she gets that carreer going then you can just start borrowing money from her.

Heather - posted on 06/01/2010

i understand where your coming from, my exs parents paid for everything he goes to school, but doesnt work hes gonna be 25 in a few weeks, I on the other hand, am 22 witha 3 month old going to school full time work part time, help pay bills, plus my own car insurence, and my sons expanses as well, you should charge he room and board. that is my own opinion a dog is very much like a baby, if its hers than she should take care of it. well best of luck to you

Melissa - posted on 06/01/2010

Sorry to put this bluntly but CUT the cord. When I was going to collage I worked 2 jobs paid my own bills and still had time for homework. Parents are there to lend a helping hand every ounce and while not to take care of it all. She needs to relize that she has to make it on her own otherwise she never will. You need to draw the line. And tell her she need to take care of her life. She will Thank YOU someday.

Myra - posted on 05/30/2010

I have a daughter the same age and we do help her some but she has to learn to live within her means. There has to be a limit to how much you give or else they will never become a responsible adult.

Liz - posted on 05/30/2010

My parents didn't pay for much when I was younger. The agreement was that they would pay for college for 4 years and they would pay for car insurance, room board and a food allowance. Anything else was up to us. We worked during the summer essentially full time to make enough money to pay for a car and to have some extra money set aside for the school year. If your daughter really wants to grip let her know that there are Moms out there working full time while going to college, paying for it out of pocket after the FASHA is used up, paying for rent, daycare and all the other day to day expenses.

Elisha - posted on 05/30/2010

Mum had a rule: as long as I was in school, I didn't have to pay for the roof over my head, or the food, or my bus fare to college. However everything else was my area. Clothing, lunches out, etc. When I was out of school and still lived at home until I got my stuff together, she charged me rent that also covered food. Mum taught me that nothing's free, and helped me get ready for the real world when nobody was going to pick up my bill. It's time for tough love - charge her for the dog, and have her pay it off gradually, emergencies happen and you don't always have cash at the time. Then start to charge her for rent. If she doesn't pay up, then wait until she goes out one day, change the locks and chuck her stuff onto the street. Don't threaten to do it, don't warn her about it, just do it if rent doesn't come in. Stop car payments in three months, DO warn her about that. She can decide whether she'd like to continue driving, or if she has to sell the car and take the bus. I work and go to school with too many spoiled shitty kids, they're older then I and have no idea what things cost and bitterly complain when they don't have the best of the best. You live on what you can afford, either you earn more or you live less. Teach her this lesson so she doesn't end up one of those whiney adults who live in debt trying to keep up appearances.

Lorraine - posted on 05/30/2010

You should not be paying everything. She should get herself a parttime job.

Erin - posted on 05/29/2010

My children are young but I remember what it's like to be her age and going to college. I would tell her that she needs to get a job to at least pay for her car and insurance. My parents got me a car but it was a used car for a few thousand that required no payment and I took care of the maintenance with it. It would do her some good if you put your foot down and have her be responsible for some of it. It will help her to be responsible in the future when it comes to bills and saving. A lot of kids don't learn that these days and then they get into trouble later. You should not have to pay it all but she won't pick up the slack unless you make her :(

Amy - posted on 05/28/2010

Also, if a parent can go to college, work full time, and take care of home and family, a 21 year old with no kids while living at home can too. I did it when I was 26, two kids under age 5, and living on our own. My hubby was unemployed at the time too. So, when you break the news to her, things like that may put in in to perspective for her. Single and non-single parents do it all the time, with a lot more expenses. She can do her part.

Christina - posted on 05/28/2010

My son is 19 and goes to school FT-he gets good grades and is not in "party" mode. He works p/t but when he started getting a fairly steady paycheck, I told him he needed to start paying some of his own stuff..since he was just blowing it all on Itunes & clothes. So he now pays his cell phone & car insurance..and has to give my dad a set amount every month since he borrowed money from him to buy a car. So at least now, he is thinking ahead & figuring out what he needs to budget for these payments. I do not charge hime room/board because that's not anything extra to me..however his cell/insurance/AAA ARE extras so he can pay them. I do not get child support and have 2 other children I need to take care of..so I make him help in that way since those are luxuries and he doesn't need that many clothes :)

Danielle - posted on 05/28/2010

She is old enough to start helping. I am now 27 but when I was 18 my mother paid my insurance, I paid my car, books, tuition, housing and food. I managed to maintain a good GPA work one job full time,and one part time, and have an extremely exciting social life. While being debt free upon graduation. It tought me a good lesson very early about money and "real life". Without responsibility being put on me to make it myself, I would not be as far in life as I have made it today. She may be upset with you telling her she needs to help now, but she will be happy you tought her some very good lessons! Best luck

Amy - posted on 05/28/2010

I think it is high time she grew up a bit and pitched in. Lots of college age students go to school full time and hold down part time jobs. When I was her age, I had a 1 month old. Time to grow up.

Sherran - posted on 05/28/2010

OK., she goes to college.....question is......does she have a job?
If she does .........she is a grown woman and is capable of contributing to her lifestyle...........I'm sorry but the little doggie would have to go.

Carmelita - posted on 05/28/2010

Your daughter needs to learn some sense of responsibility. I have been taking care of myself since I was 15. My freshman year of college I was RENTING a ROOM (shared bathroom, no kitchen) for $300.00 a month. I had to care for myself and worry about my own meals and I was pregnant. I am now 27 with two children and I care for them on my own. My mother is proud of the way I turned out because she knows that God-forbid, she passes tomorrow, I am more than capable of caring for my children and myself. Your daughter should at least be putting something towards her room and board. She's reaoing the benefit, not you. As for the dog, she needs to make payment arrangements with the vet & stick to them!

Amanda - posted on 05/28/2010

at 21 you should stop paying for everything i do everything by myself my mom does nothing for me the only thing she does is watches my two kids when i work. she put me in debt so much its not even funny

Jill - posted on 05/27/2010

Sorry about the dog, but once you agree to allow her to adopt a dog as a teenager, you've signed on to keep it once your daughter goes to college. Let bygones be bygones. Between the Pell, subsidized and unsubsidized Stafford Loans, scholarships, and Parent Plus loans, your daughter should have all of her expenses covered for college. Make her do work-study while she is at school to provide her spending money. Make her sell her car - if she is on campus, she should be able to live off of her friends and their cars, or public transportation. Then, make it clear to her that she is responsible for her student loans - NOT YOU!

Gwynne - posted on 05/27/2010

Your daughter should GET A JOB.
You'll be doing more harm then good if you continue to support her, she needs to know the cost of life.
I had my first job when I was 11, and I used the money to buy food for my brothers and I (mom was a drug addict).
Working has taught me some of the most important lessons of my life.

Michele - posted on 05/27/2010

It will not end unless you make it end. Let her know you love her and will help support her but it is time for her to grow up and take some responsibily.

Lise - posted on 05/27/2010

I would suggest some budgets and limitations. I know as a parent I would love to be able to give my children everything. But I think the buck stops when we realistically look at what we can afford first and then how much we can help them with. That is what I did with my kids. One is working her way through scholl more slowly that's all. We can't give what we don't have and if we are borrowing... (credit cards and such) then we don't really have it. My daughter, who is in college, drives an older car 13 years old, that has no payment but gets her where she needs to go... pays her cell phone, gas, and one of her loans. She works part time a a nanny and goes to school. We are currently paying for her other school loan until she pays off the first one or gets out of school, whichever comes first and then she will take over the payments. She lives at home and we do not charge her anything. She is studying hard, getting amazing grades, and doing all that she can do... But her dad and I know when to say we can't take on more.. this way we have no resentment...

Micheline - posted on 05/27/2010

You might want to first decide how much you're willing to input financially and for how long. Then you can sit down together and tell her about your decision. If you're paying for college, a car, and her dog, why does she need to work? You're not really giving her any incentive to be independent. A car is not a necessity, she can take the bus, walk, or ride a bike to school and work. And once she realizes that she liked her life better when she had a car, she may just find herself a job to pay for it. This is not tough love, this is helping someone to become an independent person - it's part of our job as parents. She'll be fine without the car and she'll negotiate with the vet to have her pet taken care of, but not until you let her. If you didn't have the money to pay for the vet, how would you handle it? You'd figure it out - right now, you're cheating her of the experience of figuring it out. You've also begun to resent her for taking advantage of you, but no one can take advantage of you unless you let them.

Lyn - posted on 05/27/2010

yes she should if she wants a dog then she should pay for it same with the car she is old enough. she could get a part time job.

Diane - posted on 05/27/2010

If you continue to enable your daugher, you will find yourself taking care of her, and maybe even a husband in the future, for many years to come.



Pets are a privilege and not a promise or right. If she chooses to have a pet, she needs to be totally financially and physically responsible for it - end of discussion on that. If it was a family pet before she went to college, that is a bit of a different story. However, it sounds like it is time for her to work through the local Humane Society or the want ads to find another loving home for this animal that has the resouces to care for and love it.



As far as college, kids today are living too soft of a life with my fear being that they will not know how to go without or how to survive when they are on their own and how to become a contributing adult. Everything handed to them is not a good thing. Also, if you pay for her now, when she is able to work and be responsible herself, will she pay for you in your retirement or when you can no longer work (maybe even because of the stress of having to support her now)?



Most financial advisors will tell you that loans students take for their education, they are likely to pay back but very few children are likely to make regular payments to their parents in their retirement years even if they did jeopardize or develop this financial need because of the support they gave them, beyond what they should have, during their college years and beyond.



Where there is a will for these younger kids, there is usually a way. I work at a University and I see it everyday. If they really want something, they find a- way usually by making choices, which is really what life is all about - choice.



Stop making her choices be your priorities and help her to become a responsible adult while you become a free parent by parenting her right into responsibility!



Good luck!

Joni - posted on 05/27/2010

I agree with the consensus here. Not just for now, but for her future. She needs to learn to live within her means and to be responsible for herself. Why does a 21 year old need a car payment? I'm 33, with a child and I found a good (old, and not what I wanted) car for a price I could pay cash for. I lived with my parents on and off during my early 20's and I paid for living there. My parents kept the money aside and then gave it to me later when I moved out for deposit on a place. The dog is a hard call. It's hard to get rid of a child's pet and I couldn't watch an animal be sick. Start with controllable factors. The dog was an emergency situation, but if she's contributing to her life regularly, you won't feel as taken advantage of by helping her in an emergency.

Araceli - posted on 05/27/2010

I was lucky for my son stepped out and paid for his housing starting his junior year in college. I paid for everything as well - his tuitions and books. then his other brother went to college and I made them understand - it is a difficult times. My son took a job on campus and another one off campus. He still completed his bachelors in 4 years and now took off a year to earn more money and planning to pursue 2 more year of doctoral program in physical therapy in the fall of 2011. He never worked before junior year and the experience of working made him truly responsible and learned to budget. Make you daughter work to help her out and you!

Hannah - posted on 05/27/2010

Make her pay room and board. She's an adult, she needs to act like it!

Anne Marie - posted on 05/27/2010

I'm 25 years old and have been working since I was 14 and paying for alot of things myself. My parents have paid for the important things like college and never really asked me for alot of rent but to pay something each month just to get me in the habit of doing it.
I suggest that you get serious with her and really tell her the story, it will stand to her and make things very real for her but even to make her understand that things are not always so easy and hard work and support are needed.

Jacqueline - posted on 05/26/2010

Jobs are hard to get now,maybe you can help her to find something to do. My daughter is19 goes to a community college and babysits for my younger sister at night. She really want to be out there earning her own but can't. Bottom line have a talk with her.

Jennifer - posted on 05/26/2010

I was lucky enough to live with my grandmother while I was going to college. She said if I was going to school, that I was working and that I didnt have to work (out in the labor force). Nice! But I choose to wait tables and telemarket (yuck) because I wanted to EARN MY OWN MONEY! It is the feeling of having earned it yourself. Does she work at all? Does she offer anything? My grandmother was not rich and I did not have extravagent wants so it worked BUT this sounds a bit off. Just think about whether you are really "helping" her or if it is some type of enabling on your part. And dont go into debt over it - she needs to know that the money is running out and the economy aint that great either. But there are definitely jobs out there for willing folks. Hope this helps. Good Luck!!!

Mo - posted on 05/26/2010

omg i know exactly how you feel, I have twin daughters that are 18 and one of them particularly thinks she is "entitled" to get what she gets. I am a single mom of four teenagers and pay for their cells and insurance and I pay the car payment and they keep hitting me up for gas money. They both work and one just got a puppy that I seem to have alot and pay for food for it! It gets old fast. I am a waitress and just got divorced after 24 years, its not easy!

Shayla - posted on 05/26/2010

oh, yes! At 21, its time for her to learn a little responsibility. Kids these days get a free ride. They are lucky enough to have parents who didnt have, and now want them to have everything. I was on my own at college at age 18 and worked part time and took out loans. I paid my own rent, car insurance and bought my own books. I am still paying student loans, but the experience made me stronger. She needs to leanr some responisbility, you dont get to have your cake and eat it too. maybe she'll have to stay home one night a week, instead of going out with her friends to pay for that dogs vet bill! Heck, its her "child."

Janis - posted on 05/26/2010

If your daughter is in school, then the school should offer health insurance as part of her tuition, so there should be no need for you to pay out of pocket. Second of all, if your daughter's car breaks and she is unable to fix it, then make her find other accommodations. You are her parent, not her bank! Stop allowing the kids to use and abuse you, for all you are worth. These kids are 21, not 12. Make them stand on their on two feet. It is a tough world out there, they better get use to it.

Sheryl - posted on 05/26/2010

I feel your concern! I too, have a 21 year old who has a part-time job. She recently went out and purchased a phone contract and a wal mart credit card. She pays those 2 bills but will not keep the maintenance up on her car that i pay for and provide insurance for. School wise, she gets govenment funding and has work study also but she went and got a student loan which will have to be paid as well. Her intentions are good but she has no real concept of just how she is going to pay all this. That part time job is just what it is and it may play out. What do we both do? Yes something has to come to an end. I pay her health insurance out of pocket and I don't have any. I have a 17 year old as well who i have to help.

Janis - posted on 05/26/2010

Here's the deal, your daughter is being lazy! Draw the line. Help her with the dog. That needs to be done right away. Give her a timeline of when she needs to start paying her own car payment and then a month or so later she needs to take over her insurance payment. Little bit by little bit. If she does not follow through then go to her school and take the car and remove the insurance on it so she is unable to drive. Promise me, she will get the point that you mean business. It is time for her to wake and realize that she is going to enter into the real world soon and nothing is free! Good luck!

Claire - posted on 05/26/2010

She should definitely be finding a way to pay for it herself. I do the same for my 20 yo but if he runs short with the scholardhip, grants, awards, etc. then he knows that he judt needs to get his own school loans. I am a firm believer that if they are old enough to drive they are old enough to find a way to pay for gas, car insurance and living expenses. Even though it's tough when in college to hold a job that pays enough for these things. Have you've seen what these colleges do for kids these days that are part of tuirion and board, basically a kid doesn't need any more on the outside of their college grounds, they've got it all on campus.

Gretchen - posted on 05/26/2010

That is outrageous my parents pushed me to go to college, then turned around and sold the car they "gave" me to help pay for college, the $900 they got went towards linens and a microfridge rental. I took out student loans and received a couple scholarships. I went to school 8 hours away and they never visited me, i got sick and my dad sent me flowers and one time he sent me $20. I was on my own. I had money saved up from working the previous 4 summers that I used as my "fun" money but that didn't go very far.
When I came home they kept pushing me to find a place to live so I moved out.
Needless to say I was out of the house by 20 living on my own, paying for rent, bought myself a car and paying insurance. I decided to return to college for a different major and I pay for that all on my own. I will be graduating in Spring 2011, I've been independent for most of my life and I've managed to raise a daughter who is now 4. Times get tough but with no one to fall back on I made it through.
You need to take the leash off your neck and make your daughter walk on her own. You shouldn't be burdened with her problems, call it tough love or call it what you want but seriously she should have a job and be on her own at this age.

Susan - posted on 05/26/2010

I feel your pain. My daughter is 19 and acts the same.

Tina - posted on 05/26/2010

It ends when you put an end to it.
You're the one setting the expectation that you're covering her "highnesses" expenses...
Tell her to get a Job if she wants spending money and keep her dog.
Sorry- I got married at 21 and paid my own way through college while working full time...It's time for you to sit down with her and open your financial books to explain to her what things cost.

Trish - posted on 05/25/2010

Hi Wendy, some boundaries definitely need to be put in place. Firstly why does a 21 year old who is still at college have a car of her own that is being paid off? If she wants to have all the luxuries which it sounds like she has then she needs to get a part time job to support all these expenses. My daughter of 21 is studying overseas and she works as well to support herself because we cannot afford the exchange rate from South African rands to canadian dollars. You need to sit down with someone who can give you wise counsel on how to put boundaries in place. Hope this helps.