I have a 21 year old that goes to college, should she pay room and board?

Jenni - posted on 05/25/2010

Hi Wendy,
I don't mean to sound harsh either to you, bcoz you have gone through this, the problem is within yourself and herself, you might spoilt her to the max and made her realize that the support should be continously doesn't matter what's her age. She's using you and you letting it happen. I am not bragging, but my daughter is 15, an O-Level student, but she started doing freelance as a model, doing print ads during school break to earn her own money for her college in the future, despite knowing that her parents are capable to pay the fees. She felt responsible,and feels very proud IF she could buy things she like with her own money. Teach her how to value the money by doing something, only then, your situation will slightly changed, otherwise, she keeps doing it, and you ended up complaining.
Sorry, if my notes are too harsh for you, but in life, we mothers, should be the one who control our child/ren and not the other way around. Good luck to you Wendy!
Big Hug

Alice - posted on 05/25/2010

Well, when our daughters graduated from collage they had no depts. We did a pay as you go for them. They both worked as RAs or residence assistances at the college and had both good and bad experiences but it led to growth and added to their job skills especially problem solving and getting along with all kinds of people.
I wouldn't run up a lot of bills for yourself. A collage education should provide them with the skills to get a good job and pay off their loans. In retirement you will need much more than you allow for probably and usually kids are not prepared to help you out. Being healthy is a blessing we don't all have. A health problem or accident can put you in the poor house permanantly.
I say the best gift you can give to your kids is being able to take care of yourself when you are old. You have to start early to do that.
We all want our kids to be independant. I know people in their 70's raising their grand kids..... struggling financially..... and the kids still have their hand out.
How many kids do you know who went through their parents estate and are dead broke and in great dept. You are doing your daughter a favor to let her learn to think independantly. Hopefully you are also preparing her so that she will not become a victum with no choices but to live with someone who is not good to her. Let her write the check for the bills. Let her add the numbers. Let her see what is necessary, utilities, a roof over your head, taxes, insurance, gas etc. Let her see when all the necessary bills are paid what is left and how decisions are made regarding what you can afford. Note, it is important she respect the fact that you work hard so she can go to school and enjoy the fruits of YOUR LABOR. If she wants more then she should find a way to take care of the expense or it just doesn't happen.
Good Luck,

Brie - posted on 05/25/2010

well as a 22 (ok 22 in June) I gotta say that is bad, like it's one thing if she lost her job or whatever and is actually working to get back to working, or got sick, but if the vet bills are in the thousands I'd tell her if you want to keep the dog you are paying for it otherwise tell the dog bye bye and I'm finding it a new home, as she may think it's ok to take from her own kids when they aren't even 18, I don't think you should pay for what she is making you pay, and as for the car is she wants the car she should bloody well pay for it, and if she got a cell phone she should pay for that too, or tell her she doesn't want to help out when she is of age everywhere move out and then tell you how easy it is paying for everything, as for room and board I think it should be dog and car first till she's out of college, then when she has a good enough job and actually look for one not just oh I can't get one nobody will hire me excuse then room and board as she's going to have to pay for everything at some point what if you lost your job, what are you supposed to do pay for your expenses and hers, no, she needs to learn and how sorry that I am that she is using you, she needs one good smack (not to worry I'm talking about one from reality) I hope I helped in at least the slightest

SUZI - posted on 05/25/2010

This is where you sit her down and set up a payment plan for her dog and anything else that is not for her welfare. My kids 15/17, I began a few years ago letting them know to save money for things they want. If it does not go in them (food), on them (clothes), or over them (roof), they need to pay themselves. My 17 year old pays for 1/2 of his car insurance.
If she doesn't work, she needs to find a part time job to help you out or sign a paper saying she will help you out when she gets out of school. Parents are not a money tree. If you don't make her be responsible now, when will she. Let her know she doesn't owe you, she needs to pay her bills.

Alisha - posted on 05/25/2010

My mother also had me buy groceries to make dinner for everyone at least 2 nights a week.. not a bad idea to learn how to cook and to get young adults to understand that life is work.

Alisha - posted on 05/25/2010

Don't enable an adult who is still a child! It's called life when you have to pay for your own bills and frankly if you keep up what you are teaching, you will be doing your child a dis-service in the long run. When I was 21 I had a 2 year old daughter, was in college full-time and my parents had me pay rent which was $175/month (you can save it up for your daughter without her knowing and give it to her when she moves out if you want but at least you would be teaching responsiblity) I paid for my cell phone, car payment and car insurance. It's not bad at all to teach kids who are grown ups how life is. Don't let yourself get walked on, especially by your own child! Even if it doesn't seem fair to charge, life was never fair and will never be fair. You shouldn't have to pay tons of money when they are completely capable and the dog story is just ridiculous! I can't imagine making all the hard decisions you have to make, but I have faith in you that you can do it!

Anne - posted on 05/25/2010

Hi Wendy, My two eldest children went to university for four years. They worked every holiday and weekends. They had to, we couldn't manage otherwise. They finished their degrees and are working now. They have often said that even though working at weekends was hard it got them through university. I guess Wendy you cannot be expected to do it all for your daughter. Just sit down with her and explain. I'm sure she will help. Best of luck, Anne :)

Kristin - posted on 05/25/2010

The problem is that you have agreed to pay for all of these things up to this point, and your daughter knows that you will any time she asks. It ends when YOU decide it ends! She is old enough to have a job and pay for her own things. When you tell her you are done paying for things, she will be forced to do it on her own!!

Melissa - posted on 05/25/2010

It ends when you stop paying for everything. She's never going to pay her own way because you've taught her that she won't have to.

Ruthie - posted on 05/25/2010

it ends as soon a you end it. Have her start pulling some of her onw weight. she will not appreciate until she begins to know what such responsibility is like.

Jessica - posted on 05/25/2010

Take her off the insurance when she next visits home, give her the dog and notify her that if she wants to keep the dog, the car and to keep driving, then she needs to find a job. My sister is in her final year at uni now and has held down a part time time job for 5 years. Her grades have never been compromised as she only works a saturday and sunday. It sounds like youjr daughter needs to grow up and learn what real life is like.

Jackie - posted on 05/25/2010

I personally don't agree with charging your child room and board, regardless of his/her age. I know my home will always be home for my kids, a safe place where they can come any time. However, at 21, your daughter is definitely old enough to assume responsibilities. It is unfortunate that she cannot appreciate what she has. She should be the one paying for her car. There are lots of opportunities for students to work part-time!! There is really no reason why she can't... and she would probably appreciate the luxury of owning a car a lot more!

Thanuja - posted on 05/25/2010

Hello Wendy, i know how you feel, i would have felt used by my own daughter. As children grow up, they need to be of support to us, we can occassionally pitch in but there needs to some line drawn with regards to finance. As finance is such tricky thing, you never know how you might need it in case of emergency for yourself. We just cant be over confident about finance. Another point is are we as parents setting the right expectation, does our behaviour anyway help her handle her own life.. Thats the question i like to ask when i am in conflict between my love for her and her dependency.

Sandy - posted on 05/25/2010

I fully understand exactly where you are coming from. I am a single parent of two. I just got my oldest graduated from college earlier this month and thank god he will be starting his new career this later this week as an officer in the US Army. However over the last 4 years I have forked out alot to help him but he had no choice but to get a job to help out himself as I couldnt do it all and still survive myself. I have my second child still in college and living at home with me. She works a full time job and goes to nursing school full time. Your daughter needs to learn that life isnt going to be given to her. She must work for the things she wants. If you keep doing it all for her while she is in college what is going to make her want to find a job when she graduates. She needs to work and pay as much of her own way as she can. It will make her appreciate more in life.
Unfortunately it will never end unless you put an end to it. You have already put yourself in debt with the vet bills and unfortunately you cant get out of that. If you think about it you can force her to work. Take her car away and tell her when she is willing to work to help pay the payment and insurance she will have a car to drive, otherwise she can walk or find other ways go get around. If she says she needs money for necessities tell her to make you a list and you will get them for her instead of giving her the money to go shopping herself. This will be your way of showing her if she wants to act like she is still a lil kid you will treat her that way.
I am proud that my kids understand they have to work for what they get. Nothing is ever gonna be just given to them in the real world.

Kathy - posted on 05/24/2010

Tell your daughter to grow up and stop supporting her. As a parent you aren't helping her by paying her way. My parents gave me everything they could but also made me get a job as a teenager and made me realize how hard you have to work for your own money. It taught me a little respect for them when they said no they couldn't afford it I understood because I knew what it took to make the money. As for paying her way through school that is ok but that should be books and tuition she should be paying for the extras like the dog. Animals are like children they are dependants have the dog put down if you can't afford it. Tell her if she wants it then she has to pay for it or you will put it down. As far as room and board that is strictly your decision but I would stop paying for the extras like her car and dog. School is something that if you can afford it I can see helping with.

Dawn - posted on 05/24/2010

My parents told me that as long as I was in school it was their job to support me, but that when I graduated then I had to pay room and board. You should want to get your child off to a good start, and education is important. As far as the dog, if she got the dog on her own, you should have told her no if she is in your house and you didn't want it, or if you gave her the dog when she was not an adult, you should realize that kids are never responsible for their pets. If the vet bill was some ridiculous amount of money that I couldn't afford, I wouldn't have paid it, and she would have had to come up with the money herself or have the dog put to sleep. We just got a dog, and my daughter believes that it is hers, and while she helps take the dog for a walk or give him a treat, we are responsible for him. She is 12, and if something happens to the dog when she is 20 I would still expect to pay for it as long as she is still in school.

Mary - posted on 05/24/2010

does she work? if she does then she should be sending you some money to pay for the vet bill.

Heidi - posted on 05/24/2010

Life is not all about straight A's you also have to learn how to handle things when they are not all set up to go your way. Life is not set up so that everything goes your way. You have to be able to handle the good and the bad. Paying for your portion is just getting them ready to understand what it will be like when they have to pay for everything. We can't protect our children forever at some point they have to make their own decisions and stand on their own two feet. You have to teach them problem solving skills and you do that by letting them figure some things out on their own.

Heidi - posted on 05/24/2010

It will end when you end it. When kids turn 18 it is time for them to start paying there own way. All you do is create a problem by doing everything for them. Your 21 year old is old enough to work a full time job and pay for their own car insurance and payment and room and board, it is not your job to support your child forever. Helping out with some things is one thing, but doing everything is a different story. Then they think you owe them and everyone owes them. You are just not doing them any favors:( Sorry I hope this all works out for you:)

Yaminah - posted on 05/24/2010

You need her to understand that she is to become independent of you, meaning: she needs to be given not only room and board but have her pay some of her own bills. If she can not take care of the dog that she has than she doesn't need to have one. she needs to repay the bills on her own for her dog if it it is in the thousands and really if the dog is that sick then maybe it is not the best place for the dogs to be at this time. she might need to seek an account that she pays into to have only for the dog and a second account for herself. you must remember that she has to understand that as an adult she must deal with her own bills and her only lifestyle exspenses and if she cant offerd them, she will have to change because your job is done.

Lorinda - posted on 05/23/2010

ANSWER: When you stop paying for things.......

I feel for you, truly. We come from the generation that had to work for everything. In an effort to make up for what our parents didn't give us, we decided it was wonderful having our own kids and became part of the parenthood generation that "gave" them to much, creating monsters as they got older. My son will soon turn 20 this August. As a single parent, I always had to stretch a dollar. My son used to work for his video game money, his movie money and such thru chores and extras......growing a garden ect till he became about 16. Then, my ex became the custodial parent so he could go to a better school saving me thousands on catholic school. My philosophy went out the window but yes, I too gave him endless video games....took him to concerts, bought all his favorite clothes and took him on really nice vacations that were both fun, and educational. As my son was going back and forth weekends it became pretty evident that he would have little opportunity to work, with the added activities that were added to the schedule for tennis team and soccer. Inevitably.......the work work.....with emphasis on money that paid for all the things that were "extras" continued to come out of my pocket till he went to college. I am not rich, and am a teacher. My ex, GAVE him a car for graduation, with absolutely NO CLUE what that entailed, because his father paid for the insurance and repairs. I gave him a cell phone at 16, and he continued to run up hundred dollar and up to 300 dollar phone bills to the point of sacrificing other bills. He also used to invite friend up and run me 200 per weekend because his friends would come up with no money and strict dietary needs despite questioning prior to arrival.......and my favorite, we would get to the planned movie, and they didn't have any money. I must have had sucker written all over my head, and he also knew how much the time together was important to me and just conned me into giving in for lack of embarrasment and making me look cheap. This went on for 2 years before he went to college. He never worked a hard day, but for the occassional days I would BEG for his help around the house, yard and small projects. Mind you, his life is spent in two homes.........one off the main line of the Philadelphia burbs, the other living on a lake in the Poconos on 3 acres. Tough life.

His college experience, included attending Drexel University Senior year and summer, for which his father helped write his essay and turned in favors to get him in, he slipped from honors to low 80s prior to graduation. My son's grades slipped, because his girl meeter went off and he had new affluent friends. He also had too much freedom and a VISA card for food, gas and incidentals. Me, I used the modest10K I had saved to pay for his food plan and books for the first year and a half, totally disgusted and in "use the university services" to get and stay on track. Meanwhile, the car became his instant ticket to friends and invitations everywhere. Thank GOD he didn't have an accident, but he did become everyones ride to parties, double dates and roadtrips everywhere. When his first report card came in and I realized he had started with 5 classes and dropped to 3 in the fall I was mildly devastated, but not surprised. I put him on probation and said one year, then off to CC if he could not display "the right stuff". (he did great the in the summer....but he had parental supervision and had a camp counselor job at like 6dollars an hour. very little responsibility, and when given privledges.......he totally took advantage and wasted many thousands of his father's and my money - I cut him off after 4 semesters and countless pleading sessions......food alone was costing nearly 1700 per semester plus incidentals which were caused by his "inability to find work" even part-time while at college, something I knew was bullshit..........but his dad supported him not working and so it just went on and on.

It has taken nearly 2 years to recover my dignity, sick with what I know is right (many, many insults from his family over my being "cheap" to get where we are now) My son, as handsome and smart as he is.....a world class charmer and has manipulated everyone and everything to the degree that he had the responsibilities of an 11 year old. While he was her on breaks, he would stay up till 3-4 am talking on the phone or facebook, myspace ect. and NOT do his laundry or clean up after himself. Um, feeding the cat and cleaning the litter box..........and many other chores were his till he was 16 living with me. So, he used up all 10-K of my money and I started working a second job just to keep up with his lifestyle which included paying for his cell phone with all the bells and whistles, his food and his gas to and from her to college, and that is pretty much how it goes including groceries, laundry detergent, condoms, computer equipment, electronics software to support his engineering projects and those damn energy drink he loves. It was at the end of his 3 campus semester before it stopped this January. NO longer did I GIVE him money, but made him WORK for me at my shop when he came home. NOT one cent to school if his grades were not up and NO sleeping till 11 or 12 when he was home.

There are many people involved with a child being financially irresponsible.......grandparents who give them money and just happy to have them visit, uncles and aunts who praise their good looks and smooth manners, and a society where kids buy 50 dollar games and then beat them in 3 days and turn it in for 10 dollars the next week. I got sick of what everyone said about him but never really stepped up to the bat and made him accountable or responsible for what he WAS NOT DOING!!!

This month makes 6 months since I cut off the money flow, and my son just now is getting a job. His step mother and I confronted his father, and our families but only after paying the worst price of all.........creating a totally irresponsible financial train wreck. Thank god he did not have his own credit card, but that was because I REFUSED to let him have one. It cost me a great deal of hastle from he and his father........his father cut off the credit/gas card after he got his license suspended after getting busted at college drinking in the dorm. His father paid the fine, and it took my son most of the summer to pay it.......giving him yet another reason WHY he did not have much money for back to school because he had to pay the fine. He like your daughter, look at us like a deer in the headlights whenever it comes to money.

Since my son was a very young child I tutored in our home to make extra money for him to go to school. Did he expect me to keep this up as he becomes and adult??......yes. I don't think parent of this new generation of "I've got it" realize the harm we are doing to our kids. Maybe through time and some counseling by other parents who have been through it, or an older family member and saying "NO" will the kids get it.

My son now has a job that pays $8.50 and hour......and he works hard in a restaruant where he is in stiff competition to keep his job and the good tips he earns. He is now responsible for paying his car insurance, gas and putting away money each week for college. Only one concert a month, which he pays for, and rules about what time he gets up in the morning. Its just been a month.....but it seems the school of hard knock is starting to make him a stronger person, and not as dependent on us. It was a horrible last 4 years and I pray that this "tough love:" will be something he looks back upon as a good thing for his greater good.

I refuse to accept that "no contribution" is good enough, or acceptable. My son is legally an adult and needed to wake up to the full measure of his responsiblitiles. He wants a girlfriend, well now he has to pay her way and his. Instead of eating at Panera, he is eatting at KFC and or clipping coupons to eat at Ruby Tuesdays or the like. He recently called me to ask how much laundry detegent cost, and if I had any coupons for him to use.......things we lived by when he was a boy. As things go, his step-mother no longer does his laundry or his grandmother. They both told him it was time he did his own and become master of his own person, starting with this. My job is a wonderful one, but I knew that today's kids are spoiled to the point of being such pains that we give in rather than hear the whinning or complaining.

If my son wants to go to college, he is going to have to pay for it himself. I got scholarships, financial aid and took out loans and I have my M.Ed. As a single mom and woman who lost her son to his total sense of selfishness, it is hard to loose a kid to things we did because we wanted more for them than we had ourselves. Many of my colleagues said they went through similar things and that once you cut them off, reality sits in and you have to be strong.

If your daughter has absolutely no respect for the sacrifice and responsibiltity for the luxuries in life (car) then they should not have one, or be totally restricted as to when they can.....say, when they can come up with the car payment and insurance money to drive it. Hard work and EARNING OUR WAY THROUGH LIFE, is honorable and the best way to appreciate and learn to come with REAL LIFE problem solving. IF we continue to GIVE to oiur kids, we feed a monster that MAYBE will do right, but probably won't.

Cutting my son off financally was about saving myself, my self-respect and my heart from a careless person that did not really care about me, but self absorbed in a life that had no meaning. Money is th root of much evil....but it is the beauty of paying for things and knowing you made something happen or bough something from the fruit of your hard work and talent, that we learn to be pourd of ourselves.

Me, been working since I am about 12 years old.......do you remember how old you were when you had your first paying job an why you needed to earn money? In my day, dad usually took us to buy presents for christmas and mothers day, the best gifts........were the small ones I made or bought with money I earned myself. Pride, is something you EARN......it is also the guilt that keeps us wanting our kids to love us because we make things alright with the security of the money we give them........it is a false sense of security.

If you really want to help someone, give them the gift of confidence so they can overcome failures, make them stand up and take responsibilities..........if not, they will forever count on you for the lifestyle you have given them WITHOUT learning what it took to get there.

Good luck, and with any hope.......your get tough and talk to her calmly about this with a stack of your bills, a copy of your weekly paycheck, tally up what iher bill, what is your bills and do the math. We are not getting any younger. I helped my son inventory his skills in all areas and then watched him think and brainstorm various jobs near his dad's house where the salaries are better. Get a newspaper, job listings and help to create a resume and practice job application so she can go out and find a job with the confidence needed to manage her own income. Thanks for reading, it's not easy.....but I sleep better at nite! Hopefully he will wake up normal and not hate me for stopping the good and plenty train. My little shop, is finally making a profit.....a small one, but the money is now going into an IRA for my reirement. Without a husband, a girl needs to plan for the future.........no one else is going to take care of me but me, and i absolutely know that what I did with Eric was wrong, and if he was going to ever grow up, I had to stop enabling me to be the selfish, needy, lazy young man he had become. Our kids weren't born this way.......we lacked the discipline to say "no" consistently.

Best wishes.......

Lorinda

Jennifer - posted on 05/23/2010

tell er to grow up!!!!

Jennifer - posted on 05/23/2010

sh needs to tae care of herownpersonl bils andher on pets that she chooses to own. it is HER resposibility..if yo are unser abu room andboard you could always charge her and put it away for her for hen she is ready to move out on her own... but her car paymet and car insurance and anythigthing else needsto e HER responsibility... I am 23 andmy husband and 2 kds ad 2dogs are living with family due o the econimic struggle and we carry our own bills. they dont make us y rent but we pit in wih household chorses andwe take car of our own bills andI work PT and go to school FT sif I can do it with 2 young kids under 3 then she should be able to as well

Tania - posted on 05/23/2010

Make her pay a weekly board and make it relevant to what she is earning. For example, if she is a student full time and earning nothing, then obviously you cant get blood from a stone, but if she is working part time, then charge $50 to $80 per week depending on her take home pay. At 21, shes an adult and should be treated as such.

Tania - posted on 05/23/2010

Stop paying for her life. She is old enough to look after herself. She should only have a car if SHE can afford to pay for it. She should only have a dog if SHE can afford to pay for that. Dont keep paying for her life - let her stand or fall on her own. If you dont do it now, it will keep on like this until you are in the poor house and then you will be no good to anyone - least of all yourself.

Gina - posted on 05/22/2010

I will pay for my daughter's college because I am helping her with her future, that includes ALL college fees no matter what college she wants to go to. I also made this decision when she was born. My job as a parent is to make sure she is set up the best she can to be successful in life which college is a must. I did not work in college because studying was more important and it resulted in straight A's. Here is what I don't like. Parents who insist that a child should pay them for rent while still collecting a tax rebate on them. If you do that...then your child (who is an adult) is still being taken on as YOUR responsiblity until college is completed. If you do decide to have her pay you for rent and other things, put them in a savings account.

Because I didn't have to work during college, I was able to put more into my studying, have great credit and a great job. If I had to work, my grades would have dropped. As parents, we are there to support our children and ready them for life even if it means we have to give up things. What I have learned...tough love does not work well. Positive supportive love does.

Theresa - posted on 05/22/2010

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She needs to take some financial responsibility before its too late!

Claudette - posted on 05/22/2010

Hello I have a 18 year old. I can't help pay for her schooling. So I let her live home for free and eat. She wants a car. She knows I wouldn't pay for it or pay her insurane. That's up to her. I think letting them live home fpr free is ok until they are done school. It makes her shooling life and studies a little easier. My daughter doesn't have to worry about rent every month. She just has to worry about her studies. She buys all her personal things. She knows she luckey to live home. One friend of her's always worries every month if she's goiing to make enough for rent. Her other friend has rent and kids to worry about. This friend had to drop some classes. So yes you shouldn't pay for everything. Good luck .

Tammy - posted on 05/22/2010

yes. i was in my 30's when i was suddeenly left on my own with two children. it took me two years to learn just to budget my money. i wish i started to learn how to handle money earlier

Christina - posted on 05/22/2010

At her age, you should be able to sit down and have an ADULT conversation about your finances, how these expenses effect you and why you need her help. However, if this is the first time she's going to be expected to pay for something, you may have to help her figure out how to do that, i.e. give her some advice on getting a job and budgeting her money. For some reason, people don't want to talk about money; then when their kids are "adults" they don't know what to do with their own money and have no idea how to spend and save it. It will take time and a lot of effort from both of you but it will be worth it in the end. Good luck!

Wendy - posted on 05/22/2010

When I was in college my parents paid for what they were able to aford. I took out loans which paid for all of my college,my car, books,& dorm. I am now 37 married with 9yr old & a 8 month old. My husband & I have worked hard to be where we are today & for all we have because our parents told us they couldn't afford our college & for us to grow up & figure it out. Do this for her or else she will not have survival skills & depend on others to support her. She is old enough. I am now an HR Director & my husband a financial advisor. This will be a good lesson in life for her.

Take care,

Wendy

Kathy - posted on 05/22/2010

Wendy, find the dog a home. She needs a part-time job to pay for car insurance; pay for room/board (includes food right?) Sell the car. Pay cash for a car. Big step teach her to be INDEPENDENT. Explain the financial hardship on you...My guess she does no housework. Be tough! Stand Your Ground! She needs to finish college. Supplement income? View my website www.myxocai.com/96833 contact me. Kathy

Sarah - posted on 05/22/2010

well its time for tough love as my mom would say, i guess its time for a ultimatum? she needs to learn that lifes not a free ride, and in the real world nobodys gonna pay her way, stop paying for things and let her deal with her resposibilities for awhile then she'll realize just how much you did for her and she'll humble herself, it might give her a taste of her own medicine and a reality check, its tough these days, it'll be a battle though but keep this in mind all young women when theyre about 23 or 24 suddenly wake up and ask themselves what do they really want in life? she'll all of a sudden open her eyes and see, and all the stuff youve been trying to teach her will suddenly make complete sense to her, and she'll grow, i went through that too i was a little younger though cause i had a son at 18 but i schlucked off a good couple years just not thinking before i made decisions , just blaming everybody for my shortcomings , but around 21 something inside me woke up and everything my mom and everybody was trying to tell me or warn me about over the years made sense and i my life changed after that its still tough for me cause life isnt easy ,my younger sister is doing the same thing right now, and she dosnt listen either but she's in the real world now and she's starting to see just how rough it really is. we all gotta go through it, i cant imagine having to tell my kids no someday it'll be rough for me then too, but if theyre ungrateful and think that i owe them, hellll noooo remind her who raised her, changed her diapers , who cared for her in sickness, and that your the one who housed, clothed, and fed her. and they'rs always the mothers curse,u tell her when u grow up i hope u have a child just like you, my mom cursed me with that a long time ago and i got two of em just like me, its like god programed them to do to me what i put my mom through, only theyre younger and its X's 3 . haha but i can only hold on to the day i can pass the curse to them. good luck, dont put yourself in the poorhouse , but ultimately its up to you to determine whether or not the baby bird should take her first flight on her own.

Stella - posted on 05/22/2010

This ends when you decide it ends. I too was in the same situation with my daughter and then my son. I had to write a plan of action and give it to them. In the plan with my son I told him he had 2 months to find a part time job to pay for his cell phone and recreation. He now works 4 hrs. a day for 3 days. It helps. My daughter talked to one of her professors and got a job working as her assisstant. I felt guilty for a little bit but it worked out well in the long run.

Brandi - posted on 05/22/2010

She should help pay something. I'm 20 and have been paying my own car and insurance since I was 18. I have a 5 month old, I work, go to school full time, and cheer and If i can pay for car, 3 dogs, a child, and rent then she could pay something. :)

Sarah - posted on 05/22/2010

idk but my mom charged me and my sister room and board were all adults and mom cant do it all for us anymore and really, shouldn't have to.. we all pitch in around here if were all bringing some type of income in, she's coo about it and so are we in the end we all save a little bit of money, and if one of us girls end up coming home for some reason when things fell apart in our lives she helped us to get on our feet promptly, and it isnt just bills we share its chores too.

Sophia - posted on 05/22/2010

I think if you continue to pay for everything, she will continue to take it. That's how it was with me and my mom. She loved me so much, she wanted to help me any way she could. That included paying car bills, ins bills, etc. It wasn't until my son was born 6 yrs ago that I realized how, in wanting to help, she was hurting me. Let me explain:
I never had to be responsible (financially), so I let her do it all. Now that I pay for more of my own stuff, I am more careful with my money, I am a more responsible adult and I KNOW I am a better mom.
If you still want to help financially (becuase she is in college), offer an either/or. She can choose EITHER car payment OR car insurance, but only as long as her grades are good and she takes a full course load. Once she graduates, she'll need to pay those herself, but she will also have the tools to get a job (diploma).
You can't realistically stop paying everything, but 'weaning' her off the 'money train' might be more successful. Also, remember that if you teach her that she can only take and never meet you half way, then that's how she will expect other people to treat her ... not to mention how she will model her relationship with her (future) kids.
As for the dog, if it's her dog, then it's her responsibility. I'm pretty confident she is still going out with her friends and having a social life. If she is, then she can certainly divert some $$ to the care and feeding of the dog and away from movies with her friends or the like.
Good luck ... and remember that just by caring and asking for advice, you are a great parent, no matter what you choose.

Amanda - posted on 05/22/2010

I think some kinda of tough love is in order here. I think its great you are helping your daughter with her bills and such and being that support; HOWEVER, she is TWENTY ONE now! Its time to tighten those purse strings and start making her work. If she has a job; you need to figure out some small bills at first she can pay. If she doesn't have a job...its time she got at least a part time job. If you don't break the habit NOW and UNspoil her; she will be doing this for the rest of your lives. Good Luck

Trina - posted on 05/22/2010

Hiya not sure if your daughter has a job or not?? however when I was growing up I stayed at home and yes when I got my first job I had to pay board. And do chores, even if I wasnt there I still had to pay board. Your daughter will hate you for it now... I did my mother, however later when she moves out she will realize and be thankful ( I am) because you will have taught her that rent needs paying weather you are there or not and the house needs cleaning noone will do it for you etc... the values my mother instilled in me are priceless and I highly recommend it ;0)

Janet - posted on 05/22/2010

How can she pay all these things with no job?

Kerry - posted on 05/22/2010

my advice is that she needs to pay some sort of board money and if she wants her dog then she needs to take care of it otherwise i would be telling her the dog has to go

Terri-Anne - posted on 05/22/2010

It ends when you stop supporting her in all of this. Should she pay room and board? most definitely! Stop paying her car payments.if she wants the car.then she will need to pay for it or she will have to find alternative arrangements. The dog...........she either steps up to the plate or you take it to an animal shelter where someone who wants to look after it may adopt it. Let's face it.................she isnt a child........ I had my own child at 21. She needs to grow up and face the facts of life, she has responsibilities and she needs to pay for them.

Denice - posted on 05/21/2010

I have a soon to be college graduate who recently turned 22. When the getting was good I had no issues paying for thing with her but since I was laid off, we ALL had to step it up and that's how I communicated it to her. I slowly transferred her cell phone bill into her own name, then I had her establish a gas card (That she pays). My thought is that if you gradually make these transitions then it's prepares them a little. We created these little monster's now we need to break them in gently I guess ;) Best of luck let me know how it goes....
d.solorio@yahoo.com

Mary - posted on 05/21/2010

My girls both went to college on loans and scholarships. I paid the car insuarance. She can get a what is called an ASRIDE loan which pays her directly. I had on daughter get 10,000 in it it paid one years rent for an apartment and she even bought a car with it. She can get student loans at a cheaper interest rates than we can. If the college wants you to apply for a parent loan ask for an outragous amount that you know you can't get get turned down because she can get more loans that way. One daughter has a Masters degree and is paying off 65,000 in loans for 5 years of college and the has a BS degree and has 85,000 for 4 yrs. There repayment are about $100 a month. One is able to have it out of her check and the other pays directly. Neither started paying until 9 months after graduation.There are options for her besides you paying. I did help with small amounts when needed for extra spending money or buying a book or two. Help with the vet bills but make her pay for the school bills.

Jennifer - posted on 05/21/2010

I was lucky enough in college that my mother helped with bills. She paid my rent, books, car insurance, etc. However, I don't think it taught me any financial responsibility. Especially since I went to school with with a bunch of wealthy kids (we were not well off). I did have a small job to help with food, and the rest was loans (which I'm still paying off more than 10 years later). But, once I was on my own I found myself in a bankruptcy by 26. I'm just now getting my financial life in balance. I say help her, but also help her to learn the value of money now. As for the dog, I agree with the previous post. If she's not taking care of it, it's your decision on the health care.

Gina - posted on 05/21/2010

If she is staying on campus then she can get loans to pay for room and board. If she is staying at home then that is your decision. My parents were gracious enough to pay for our apartment on campus once we left home and tuition for the first two years (because they wanted to and could afford it...after that we took out loans which we had to pay back). They also paid for our car and gas, but it was because they wanted us to focus on school first and not worry about doing well in school and working full time too. I think it is up to you whether or not you want to pay for everything, but let your daughter know why. You probably won't be able to get her to appreciate the fact that you pay for everything until you decide not to.

As far as the dog goes. If you pay for everything it is your dog and your decision as to what kind of care it gets. If you don't have a lot of money, decide how much to spend based on if it were your pet not hers. If it doesn't live with you, then I'd tell your child that part of the responsibility of owning a pet is paying for it's needs. If she can't afford it, she needs to find someone that can.

Julie - posted on 05/20/2010

My parents paid for my schooling (all the way to university) but I had to pay for my own transportation, phone, outings etc. Once I started working and still living at home, i paid a nominal rent.

That said, this is what I would do with my kids. Agree to pay for tuition, school books and room & board if in residence and that is all. There is no absolute need for anything else. She is old enough to start being financially responsible.

Good luck.
Julie

Kendall - posted on 05/20/2010

i paid for all my own schooling except for the occasional uniform or supplies plus worked and paid for my own apartment and everything that comes with wanting to be an adult and on your own and that includes my cats vet bills. my dad did pay for my car and insurance until i was graduated. but thats all. my inlaws paid for his school loans until he was graduated as long as he lived in the dorms. but he didnt have a car or any other bills ie) pets. hope this helps.

Haley - posted on 05/20/2010

I'm twenty, and independant. My parents do not pay for anything for me. However, I also cannot afford to go to college. If I was you, I would stop paying the car payments or the insurance or get rid of the dog before I would take any finances away from college, paying for that is actually putting toward her future, while spending thousands on a dog isn't going to benefit her in the long run. If she wants to keep her pet and keep him healthy, that should be her job. It'll teach her responsibility, and honestly she probably won't keep it long after that. As for the car, if she lives in a college community or there's a bus route I would tell her that the car payment is on her. The fact though is that going to school full time and having to have a job to pay for everything can burn you out quickly. And take it from someone my age, school is the first thing that will slip.

The thing is you cannot let her talk you out of it. And she WILL try. You need to make it less of a "we can't afford this" conversation...to which she'll just say well she can't either... to a "we're going to pay this and this. let's figure out how you're going to pay for this".

Alison - posted on 05/19/2010

You should not help her more than you can afford. My parents gave me about $100/month for groceries while I was in school. At some point they had to stop that because they couldn't afford it. Your daughter seems to have a sense of entitlement that is not going to help her out in the long run.

Are you paying for school???