I need advice about my husband and our 5 month old...

Lisa - posted on 10/24/2010 ( 45 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have only been together for 3 years. We have six kiddos, 3 his, 2 mine and the newest one is ours.. My husband has had issues with control and anger but never has been abusive. His anger has gotten worse since our baby was born 5 months ago. He gets very frustrated with our son very quickly. He has even come to me and talked to me about his frustration and has been afraid of how he may react. He told me recently that he got frustrated because he would not stop crying and he spanked him, with no diaper on.. Our son has recently found his voice and is starting a high pitched squeal when he starts to get fussy and now my husband says he will slap his mouth. He has also yelled at him to shut up and called him names. I never thought I would ever find myself in love with a man who would do this. I am sickened by this and have recently left with my other children and the clothes on our backs. He has never shown any anger or physical abuse to the other children. Do you think I have done the right thing, should I help him get help or just be done and move on?



I just want to thank everyone for your time and compassion.. I have gotten stronger since I left and have stuck to the plan of he has to get help or we don't come home. We are in a different state so we are safe and his kids are with their mom, so they are safe. He is threatening suicide right now if I don't come home, it is really scary but I know it is a ploy, still hard to think about.. He is up and down, one minute going to get help, the next saying horrible things and telling me its over.. He went so far to say I was using our son to get out of the marriage.. I have never been afraid of a man, never been afraid to walk away until him.. I don't understand the hold these guys put on a women, and why it works! Thanks again for all the messages!!!

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Linda - posted on 10/26/2010

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I am so sorry to hear you are having these issues, they are not as uncommon as you may think. However, you cannot risk what he could do and may even perhaps not realise it as he is talking to you about his frustrations. It is so easy to fatally harm a baby just with a single slap due to the force, you have done the right thing by leaving and i would not consider going back for some time if at all. Your baby's and other children's safety must be paramount and that of your own, he may not have been abusive before but if you allow this pattern to develop the consequences could be far worse than you fear. You can still help him even being apart. He must first understand why you have left, he must then understand his behaviour is dangerous, visit your GP together if you can and get the GP to refer him to anger management and counselling, it sounds very much like he is overwhelmed by this whole situation. If you cannot go with him or he doesn't want you to, try to talk to him even over the phone, stay calm and tell him that you want him to get better if not for his sake but for the children's even if you never go back which i think is your only option at this junction, he is still their dad and it must be very clear to him that any future visits would be required to be surpervised until he could be seen to have made an effort to seek help and can cope with what being a parent means and the unpredictable actions of a child.. I hope this helps you it must be a dreadful time for all of you, Be safe x

Eliz - posted on 10/25/2010

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I would give him an ultimatum. Either he gets counceling to help him with his anger issues or you leave him for good. I know you love him but he should not be hitting a 6 month old child EVER! Does he really think spanking a crying baby will make it stop? It only makes it worse and if he is going to hit because of crying it will turn into a vicious cycle in which the baby cries, he hits baby, baby cries harder, he hits harder and so forth. That can only end badly. He needs counceling and for a while you need to have the baby in someone else's care besides him when you are gone.

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Tabitha - posted on 10/10/2011

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Wow! Well Cheers to you for getting your kids and getting out of there. My advice - Don't Go Back. Don't Help him, Nothing. Just take care of you and your kids.

The reason I say this is because I had a friend who was married to a guy that has a lot in common with your guy. He'd beat her (while she was pregnant with the youngest one as well), yell and scream in a horrible way at her and the kids, and was generally just physically and emotionally abusive every step of the way. She and I had known each other for three years before she decided to leave him, so I helped her get her and the kids out of there. Within two months she'd taken him back because of his promises to get help, go to counseling, etc. Within a week of her and the kids moving back into the house it was back to the same old routine again. It took her another two years to get back out of that. This time, he kidnapped their daughter - going against restraining orders and everything else. The kids ended up living with me for a month. She finally got away from him and everything with him and she's all the better for it now. However, the abuse that the kids witnessed had a profound effect on them. Her son is a bit on the abusive side to girls. He's punched my daughter in the face. Her daughter, if she even hears a raised male voice, cowers and screams in terror.

The reason I'm telling you this is because 9 times out of 10 men like this Don't Change. For your safety and the safety of your children - cut ties. Stay away from him and don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He'll use just about any tactic known to him to try and get you and the kids back under his control. That's not good for anyone. If you're worried that he might try and come to you guys, go ahead and get a restraining order. If he scares you don't be afraid to have him locked up. It might do him some good. If he actually does manage to get help for whatever issues he has, then good for him. Even then, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. You never know what might cause a snap to happen and the situation could become just as bad if not as worse as it was in the first place.

Good luck!!! I know it's hard, but you'll make it through this. Just stay strong for your kids, they'll need it just as much as you will.

Tamira - posted on 10/08/2011

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Dont let anything he says get to you. He will always do this to make himself feel better. Dont blame yourself...you have done the right thing girl....it will take time but u will get over the anger and guilt...trust me ive been there.

Kristi - posted on 04/12/2011

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Lisa,
I know how you feel. I had to leave my husband and give him an ultamatium about his drinking. One day before I had to go to work, my husband beat my one and only daughter almost to death. My husband is in the military, and he needed counseling right away. After getting his first shirt involved (police were not involved, but DCFS was), he was ordered to stay at his Tech-SGNT's house. I took all the money that was supposed to be used for bills, and took off to my homeland (where I stayed at my in-laws and my family). I didn't return home until he has competed Anger Management, Parenting Classes, and AA. I didn't go home until I comfirmed it with his commander that he has completed these courses.
I gave my husband an ultimatium. I was not willing to lose my child at the hands of an adult. DCFS dropped the charges against me, because of the way that I have handled things. My husband was put on probation with the military for one year.
I know it is not easy to talk about something like this. I didn't talk about it for about 3 years, with the exception of immediate family. I know how you felt. You are doing a good thing for your baby.

Merenda - posted on 04/12/2011

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Im so glad that you and your kids are safer now...and im sure the changes is for the better.Now you just take care of your kids that need you most.You deserve to be happy for once, so take it easy dear and the Lord will guide you....Now that he is out of your life ,live your life and be happy with your kids.You'll be ok im sure.

H.J - posted on 11/03/2010

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Keep strong hun, make sure you see his treatment plan before you go back if you choose that option and make sure if he is on medication you watch him take it! Good luck, keep your making sure your children come first. The suicide thing to me sounds like a form of manipulation so try not to listen to it. If it doesn't feel right your already out so keep that way, if you do go back be very, very cautious.

Samantha - posted on 10/30/2010

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wow all i can say to this is i dont care how mad you are couse your baby wont stop crying....you NEVER spank a baby...i mean that young they dont even kno what they are doing...its diffrent when they get bigger and kno right from wrong...I would tell him to get help...and totaly agree with what Elizabeth said. how did he handle his other 3 kids....

Joanna - posted on 10/29/2010

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also giving him an "ultimatum" is just giving him back the power. because he will tell you want you want to hear until you are all back in the house and it will become the same. he cannot be rewarded for this. your job is to help your children before him. ONE TIME IS TOO MANY. THOUSANDS of babies die every single year because of women who gave abusive men second chances, because they heard what they wanted to hear. it is the most common story in child abuse/molestation cases.

Joanna - posted on 10/29/2010

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i don't want to sound harsh but i wouldn't even go back to him even if he got counseling. what usualy happens is the abuser says he will get counseling, the woman/kids go back, he quits counseling, and baby is dead. if that child gets injured in any way you will lose all of your children. especially because there is a prior police report on him, if there is one more YOU will be held responsible since you went back and brought your children back to the abuser. child abusers statistically almost NEVER change. and even if he stops physically abusing the baby, he will definitely psychologically abuse im as he already has. you cannot "spoil" a tiny infant. wait til that baby learns to talk back and spill and make messes. how will your husband react then if bare-butt spanking and MOUTH-SLAPPING is ok at 5 months? would you stay with a man if he slapped you in the mouth every time you talked? NO. so why is it ok for him to slap your baby's mouth every time he "talks"? Just because there is no visible bruising does not mean damage has not been inflicted. he may say he get counseling, you go back, and he fractures baby's arm or skull and you take him for his well-baby check up and if the doctor finds it, YOU are SCREWED. not being mean because you definitely did the right thing by getting your children out of there ASAP but you need to stay out and go to court for SUPERVISED visits with this man. if you look at statistics, once an abuser, always an abuser. do you really want to risk him having a relapse even after years of counseling? i would not take that risk. you will be just fine without him and your babies will be even better never remembering him.

Jade - posted on 10/29/2010

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This is a very touchy issue because spanking a 5 month is not an option. That will only make the baby cry worse. I think that you did the right thing, because any sign of abuse can escalate to more than you could dream of. I think that you are right on what you did; either you get help or we will not return home. He NEEDS HELP if he is threatening suicide if you don't return home.

I don't know if you know but if something was to happen to YOUR children because he hurt them you will be charged to because they will say that you live in the same home and you seen this stuff happening to your children and you did nothing to stop it. If that happens they can take you children from you and possible never see them again.

Keep you head held high and stay strong because you are doing the right thing. Don't give in until you know he has gotten help! I know it can be hard but I can tell you are a strong women by the choices you have made up until this point.

Good Luck!

Dani - posted on 10/28/2010

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my advise is that you babies come first all of them... stay away and let him prove to you he is making the changes. Do not go back until you can trust him with the children esp the 5 month old. I know you cannot just switch off your love for this man and it will be hard but you must protect yourself and the children. I believe deep down and honestly you have done the right thing to leave, you will need to make sure he receives help as he may want access to your little boy at some point even if you do not get back together as a family. I will not tell you whether or not to be done with him, all i will say is will you ever trust him alone with your child again? if not then yo need to think long and hard about this? I'm sending kindest thoughts your way and wish you the best and hope you can find a solution that leads you to happiness x

Maria - posted on 10/28/2010

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I agree w/ Lindsay. Document everything. File for a divorce and for sole custody. Please, please, please notify somebody so they can check on the welfare of the other children. You can even do it w/out giving your name. You absolutely did the right thing. If I ever had to choose between my husband and my daughter she would win hands down everytime. It'll be hard but don't go back untill he's had time to get help and has had time to prove that he's made a FULL turn around. You have to do what's best for your children and for you to also. Working w/ children as much as I have I've seen what happens to children whose parents don't get them out of situations like that and keep going back b/c the dad/boyfriend/husband "promises" to do better but never seeks real help. Stay strong for you and your babies.

Julie - posted on 10/28/2010

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You said he "has never been abusive"
yes he has.
You are living with an emotional abuser
Get out.
Get help
You do not deserve to be abused
your children do not deserve to be abused.
You did the right thing by leaving.
Be Strong.
FInd others to help you stay strong
You deserve to live in a home with dignity and respect.

Lindsay - posted on 10/28/2010

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This breaks my heart. I have a 6 month old and he is my world... on top of that, he is my husbands workd too. I have been with my husband for 8 years, and needless to say, if it came between him or the welfare of our baby, my son would win. We brought him into the world, it is our responsibilty to protect them. Hold your ground, hope your husband seeks helo, and file for custody before he does. that way, legally you have the right to have him with you until this go to court. Also, document everything, get friends and family to speak on your behalf and write letters explaining why you should have him. when the time is right, and your husband has seeked help and is on the right path, he can then have the gift of being a father again. HUSBAND COMES SECOND to the welfare of a child that can not speak for themselves. Any mother should agree with this. Hold your ground, you did the right thing. Don't give in to his demands, because next time it won't be a slap, it will be a lot worse.

Amy - posted on 10/28/2010

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I think it is great that you got yourself and your children out of the situation but please do not forget about the children that he has from another relationship. The Police and social workers need to e notified of the situation to protect those children too.

Sarah - posted on 10/28/2010

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I am sorry to hear that. I feel sorry for the kids and you too. I would just try to get him some help. I don't believe in divorce, but I guess if he is hurting the baby, and/or the other kids, I would probably leave too if it was me. I've never been in that situation though. I know the marriage vows "for better or for worse" I have a 5 month old neice and 5 1/2 old nephew and I couldn't imagine anyone spanking them. They are still babies, they wouldn't know what they are getting spanked for. I do believe in spanking our children when necessary, but only when they know what "no" means and things like that. I have a 2 and 3 yr old and they do get spankings when they need them too. But I hope you get everything situated. I hope he'll agree to get help.

Georgine - posted on 10/28/2010

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You should help him get help. You love him...that is the bottom line. Even if helping him is from a distance for a while, you should help him.

Annette - posted on 10/28/2010

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My God. Stay away from him! Keep your baby safe. Start a new life, get a job and prevent him from contacting you or your kid. Get a divorce and a court order to refrain him from getting close to you.

Ok, you loved him once, but forget it. Don't try to help him. He is a grown up person. He can take care of himself. It is not your responsibility. Don't ever feel sorry for him. Try to block this out of your heart and mind. Do what you feel is best for you and your baby.

Eugenie - posted on 10/27/2010

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Hi Lisa, reading your post is making me ache - literally!

My child's father was physically abused as a child, and when our son was born I never left him with him not even to take a shower. Until he could speak clearly, he has never been alone with him. He usually tells me whenever our son cries, that I should spank him. Even when he was just a little baby, can't even walk or talk to ask for what he wants - he wanted me to beat him. I am so happy I followed my instinct as he would have probably killed him or caused him severe damage. Sorry to be going into all of this but your post has taken me back! I am one of those mothers who would give up everything to protect my young. I will fight with everything I've got to protect my child.

Clearly your husband needs help - but in the meantime your number one priority is to protect your little one who is so helpless and dependent on you. After he is secure and away from his dad, you can try to help your husband get the help he needs.

I would really like to see you all get this resolved in a way that will make your baby safe, and keep you all together as a family.

If moving out is what it takes to keep your baby safe - then yes, you have done the right thing!

All the best!

Raquel - posted on 10/27/2010

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I would definately tell him he has to get help or it is over honey! My husband is a awesome with the kids, but unfortunately I had to do the hardest thing in the world & have him arrested for being abusive to me & thank God the kids were at their grandparents for the weekend. I told him he has to seriously get help or I have no choice but to divorce you because I can not live in fear of you & I like like living way to much! Unfortunately he could of killed me Thank God he didn't! It was the wake up call he needed he is in 2 different kinds of counciling & getting the help he needs & things are slowly getting better thank God! I told him & I ment it if he ever touches me like that again I will be gone for good & will never look back! Be strong sweetie & tell him he has to get help with that & if he really loves you he will do the right thing! You have to do what is best for the kids & you no matter how hard it is!

April - posted on 10/27/2010

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I believe you have done the right thing, especially for the safety of your children and yourself. I also believe, he needs to get help with his anger. I would not go back to him until he shows some improvement. He also needs to learn to just walk away, go outside or get hit a wall.

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you did the right thing by leaving...your baby is only 5 months and doesn't know any better. No way did he deserve to be spanked. You can see if getting him help will work, if not, you need to move on. I was in the same situation years ago. I left and now a whole better life and my daughter is much happier. She still has memories of the anger her father had.

Vicky - posted on 10/27/2010

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I think you have absolutely done the right thing. Your children come first, always no exception. Maybe have him go to anger management and when he is a more calm person who can control his rage then go back.

Ida - posted on 10/26/2010

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you have done the right thing many years ago around 13ish my husband and I had some problems he was also having some anger problems he too had not crossed the line for say but was close to it. the one good thing I can say he came to you and said he was having some problems so he is starting to look for help at the time I told my husband that I loved himand wanted him in my lif with the kids but I did not need him and if he wanted us in his life he had to and I named off tree things nd consaling and parent classes were two of the things he had to do to keep us and to say I am still married for 21 years now and he is doing much better still has problems every now and then but we have set up a plan when he does he can see it coming on now and ask for help before he gets to mad. what ever you end up doing I am sure it will be for the best for you and your children. keep the faith and your head held high

Lisa - posted on 10/26/2010

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I do have an advocate already and when I first left and actually told my best friend what was going on, she called the police, so there is a police report to. I didn't file charges but just talked with a police officer told him a little about the situation, and made sure I was ok to leave the state..

Ashley - posted on 10/26/2010

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He is trying to abuse you right now he can not control you because your not there buy saying he was going to get help but you left if a lie if he was going to get help he would of also he will not get costady of your son you left because he was abusing him you need to go talk to a women's advocate and seek legal advice

Lisa - posted on 10/26/2010

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We have gone to stay with family in another state, so he is really mad at me. He has closed the checking account and says he is going to fight for our son. He says it's over because he can no longer trust me because I didn't stay and work it out. All I want is for him to get help, but now he won't because I'm not there. He is already on depression meds and I think it helped for a while, but I think the problem is bigger than depression.

Tracy - posted on 10/26/2010

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I think he needs some help with his anger. And I agree that you did the right thing by getting out.

Jasmine - posted on 10/26/2010

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Babies only cry when they need something when they are that young. I wouldn't feel safe ever leaving him alone with my kids if I'd known he done it before he could do it again.

Missy - posted on 10/26/2010

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The reason it is so hard is because of the controlling manner is which he functions. He will make you feel guilty and/or responsible, but can be loving and kind. Go with your head this time, it is telling you very important things. You cannot change someone else, believe me I have tried. :) You can only do what you need to do for yourself and your children. Before responding to him, always check with someone you trust to help you with your answer, they are probably going to be able to pick out those controlling things much easier than you. Good luck!

H.J - posted on 10/26/2010

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Has your husband seen a GP for depression? Please get him to seek help! Your husband is not coping and needs help. You did the right thing by removing yourself from the situation but you also need to help your husband by telling him that if he doesn't seek help then you will not be returning. At the moment your husband has not crossed the line to abuse but if he continues down this very slippery slope he will. Please get him to get help! We all have flip your lid moments but it sounds like your husband is developing a short fuse since your child was born and is not coping with the new demands of a larger family. Good luck.

Merenda - posted on 10/26/2010

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Spanking a 6 month old is definitely abuse.After sitting him down and explain to him all the possible consequences, including how he is terrorizing your baby ask him to get some help and oarenting session.But if he still do not change then, you need to get your son away from your husband. That poor baby cant defend himself. I hate to say this but he is going to end up seriously hurting him or worse! I know you love your husband but your baby is more important. I wouldnt even think of leaving him alone with the baby again. Your going to come home and find the baby unconcious or something. I would leave right away. Go stay with a relative or a friend and have someone help you get help. Yes your husband has anger issues but he is also abusing your son too.GET OUT NOW!! I know that it will be hard.One day he will seriously hurt your son and you would be just as guilty as your husband because you knew that your son was in danger and chose not to protect him. I would report this to the police, or child protection agency, get a restraining order, a divorce, and go on with your life... in safety. If its the fact that you can't handle being alone, keep in mind that there are plenty of other men who would love you and your child, and treat you well. If you really can't stand the thought of leaving your husband, maybe you should consider giving up the child so he can be in a loving safe home.
I know that I may sound brutal, but that's the way I see it. I'll pray for you... for strength and courage.
Do not walk out.... RUN!!!!!
Do it when he is not there to stop u!! Take your son and get out!!!
Have him arrested!!! Go to a shelter if need be!
He is not a loving person...no matter how much he manipulates u! Love your child....and leave!!!!
Close that door and don't ever look back! You and your son deserve better! If you wait too long...you will both be dead or crippled!

Raisa - posted on 10/25/2010

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dont be desperate and sad for him i know u love him but i dont think u will put ur baby last think of ur baby he is a grown up man and ur baby needs ur defence.

Raisa - posted on 10/25/2010

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so bad bad bad!!!! shoudnt spank baby espesciallya t that age but for ur love for ur child and before it get any worse better u leave.does he have a heart come on....i totally disagree with the fact espcially he even said hell hit in the mouth so not good should stop him if social service or child agency knows what happening even you will be in great trouble,stp the situation before it gets worser.

Lisa - posted on 10/25/2010

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Thank you so much for your support.. Just to have a few people comment has already giving me strength and some confidence!

Kelly - posted on 10/25/2010

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I commend you for being strong and leaving. If he gets help and can show that he has learned to manage his anger, you could arrange visitations at first. Maybe there is an underlying issue and/or he needs to seek medical help. They say that you cannot change a person so I think you did the right thing by leaving.

Lisa - posted on 10/25/2010

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Thank you so much for sharing your advice and experiences. I feel awful that I let it go this far, but also feel guilty for leaving him.. So torn! I keep telling myself that he is a grown man who can take care of himself and i have to take care of the kids, and the baby most of all who is so defenseless. Just the short time I have been away has allowed me to see just how controlling and cruel he was. I have been in contact with him and he is trying to turn everything around and say that he was going to get help but now that I have left, it is over, so he won't get help... It's so confusing. Thanks again for taking the time for my situation!

Eliz - posted on 10/25/2010

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If he doesn't think he is wrong than all you can do is give the ultimatum: counceling or divorce. If he chooses not to get counceling then he doesn't care enough about his family and you shouldn't even be with him. Protect your babies first and love him second.

Brieanna - posted on 10/25/2010

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My youngest is 7 months old and I have not even begun to smack his hands if he touches something dangerous. I couldn't imagine smacking his mouth for crying or spanking his ass for crying. That's how they communicate. You did the right thing by getting away. It's not fair to any of the children. Good luck.

Khaleefa - posted on 10/25/2010

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Okay first off he has to want to get help. You dont want to end up on channel 7 news with your husband killing your baby. But i will say this i have gone through what u have gone through & when i say u have done the right thing i mean u have done the right thing for the safety of the children & u. It only takes one time for him to do something drastic as u have seen, with him spanking an infant with no pamper on; it is getting there. But i would let him know if he didnt seek help for himself then i would let him know that your marriage would not continue. It is your job as a mother to protect ur babies even if it means leaving the perpetrator. However i lived with a verbally & mentally abusive man for 15 years(my husband) & i am going through a divorce right now. Kind of the same scenario as urs. He has 2 from a previous marriage i have 1 from a previous relationship & then he & i have 2 2gether. So now we are divorcing & his children hates him because he is a control freak & mistreated myself & the chldren all of the time. I urge u PLEASE let him seek help first b4 u go back or even allow him 2 see the children especially alone. My best wishes

Lisa - posted on 10/25/2010

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That is one of the many reasons why we left.. I just don't know if I try to help him, from a distance of course, and be supportive if he gets help.. Or do i just walk away and be done.. I have so much anger..

Christina - posted on 10/25/2010

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This is a major issue! This is how shaken baby syndrome happens. And here is something else to think about~if your husband hurts your baby, YOU will be charged as well because you knew it was escalating and you did nothing to stop it, and you stayed keeping your son in that situation.

Lisa - posted on 10/25/2010

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He is in my care.. I quit my job to work at a daycare so I could take him with me.. He doesn't think that what he is doing is wrong, he feels that he is just a spoiled baby and needs to not cry. I have told him that I don't agree with how he is with him and he says that our parenting styles are going to break us apart. Thank you for your advice, I know if it were a friend of mine going through this I would tell her to get as far away as possible, but when your in the situation it is so different!

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