I need some advice about my husband.

Adrian - posted on 09/23/2010 ( 77 moms have responded )

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My name is Adrian, I have a 7 month old daughter, I'm married to her father, but he's not the man I fell in love with. When I got pregnant last year, me and my husband were just dating at that point. I was about 5 weeks pregnant when we found out. He rushed me to Planned Parenthood and scheduled an abortion for me. The day that I was supposed to get it done, I left the papers at my house, so he left to go get them. While he was gone, I canceled and got our money back. He was furious with me until I landed in the hospital at 30 weeks with severe abdominal pains. Everything turned out to be fine, I just just on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. My husband got to the point where he was actually giving me daily massages and rubbing my coco butter onto my belly every night, he was the sweetest guy. 6 days before my due date, Ayla had stopped growing again and my cervix had changed, so they took me to the hospitol and induced me. I was in labor for about 36 hours, which sucked, but it was totally worth it. Me and Chris got married when Ayla was 5 months old. The entire time I've known him, he's been working nights. And ever since our daughter was born he's been acting like a moody pregnant woman. He constantly snaps at me, he's constantly angry. For the small time that he is awake during the day he's playing video games on his computer, and it's been getting worse and worse since we got married... I love my husband to death, i can't imagine being with anyone else, but I'm married, and I'm raising my daughter alone. I have a couple friends who I see every three to four weeks, and they play with Ayla more than her father does. She barely knows him, and she's 7 months. Granted, if it wasn't for his job, I would be no where right now. But I'm going to start working next week for 3 1/2 hours a day, and I don't feel like I can trust him alone with Ayla for that long. He can't stand her for five minutes, but he's the only one who can watch her. I feel horrible saying that, but it's how I feel. I don't know what to do. No matter how much I talk to him about all this stuff, he gets better for a couple days, then just gets even worse. It's gotten to the point where I've actually felt threatened and left for a few days. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, he's my soul mate.... but he's also not the man I fell in love with anymore. It's really hard being married, but raising a child by myself. He doesn't even change her diapers, or help when I'm sick.

It seems that everything he does is focused on what he wants. he doesn't help with cleaning, so our house is constantly a mess, he doesn't do anything. I'm starting to regret marrying him. What should I do? I'm lost.

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[deleted account]

Hi Adrian. What I have to say you probably won't like. But I'm not the kind of person to sugarcoat things and say "It's going ot be alright". The fact is, things may get worse before it gets better. There are many factors gonig on here. Your relationship with your husband. The father/daughter non-existent relationship. And the parenting relationship. From the beginning, it sounds like your husband never wanted to be a father in the first place. It's possible that while the pregnancy continued, he may have secretly resented your beautiful daughter. He simply may not be paternal and wants nothing to do with being a father. He saw how happy YOU were being pregnant, and just let it be. Perhaps he was scared for YOUR health at 30 weeks, but never thought about baby's health. Those are huge red flags-hubby may care for you, but may not care for baby. I'll be the first to admit that I am not an overly maternal person and my decision to have only 1 child is the very best decision. Your husband was also thrust into fatherhood and while no one can really prepare you for parenting, maybe he has no other friends or support for a guy's point of view on "How to be a dad". Do you feel you married for the right reasons, or the wrong reasons? Being financial, the need for health insurance perhaps, or for a stronger line of credit? Did the idea of marriage also include expectations of marital and parenting roles? In all honesty, you haven't known your husband for along time frame. Were you friends for awhile prior to dating-ya know "friends before lovers"? Did you make a hasty decision to live together while you were pregnant? Did you think his work habits would change just because there's a ring on his finger or a piece of paper that says legally married? Is it possible that he resents your daughter becasue she is YOUR sole focus? Yes, your husband does sound very immature, but he also sounds like a guy that was never ready to be a father and a husband in such a short time frame. One way to combat this lifestyle change is marriage counseling. If he won't go, then you go on your own. Connect with a professional who can help guide you through all of the emotions and life changes. Marriage and motherhood is not easy, not in the least. Speak to close relatives on BOTH sides of the family for the occassional babysitting so you & hubby could have some time to yourselves to reconnect and talk things over. You have been a wife for less than a year, and if you're already regretting this decision, find out how he feels. It's possible he felt pressured into getting married. You two have a lot to talk about, but above and beyond, you have to figure out a mutual parenting plan for your daughter. All teh very best to you.

[deleted account]

I had to return to this thread because I am worried about you. Worried about your daughter too. Age does not always equate to maturity level either. I know some fantastic younger parents. I know some crappy older parents. Parenthood is a mindset. From what I am hearing, your husband does nt want to be a parent. Forcing a child upon him and say "Watch her" does not mean she will receive quality top-notch care. You even said yourself that you would most likely come home from work to find a screaming child. How is that fair? Please consider not only marriage counseling, but also parenting classes. As a COUPLE! You even admitted that the parenting of your daughter is 1-sided. Your husband does not parent. He might watch her or observe her, but he does not parent her. Calling her cutsie nicknames isn't parenting. Changing the occassional diaper isn't parenting, which at 7 months and he hasn't lifted a finger to change a diaper?! I'm just floored. But here are some things yo ucan do as a FAMILY to help build that bond: go for family walks together and HUBBY pushes the stroller. Go to the library together, to the children's department. Check out parenting books, plus soft covered infant books. Ask HUBBY to read to his daughter. Go to the park together. Ask HUBBY to put her on his lap and go down the slide together. Ask hubby to gently push her in the infant swings. Go on a picnic together and have HUBBY blow bubbles. Babies LOVES bubbles! All of this can be done as a family, and then gradually step out of the picture so he can bond with his daughter. But, the sad reality is that if he refuses to partiicpate in any of these FREE activities, then he is simply uninterested in being a father. Stop defending him. Step up to the plate and realize that he was never meant to be a Daddy :-( I truly do wish you & your family all the best to overcome these hurdles.

Lisa - posted on 09/23/2010

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I'm sorry you are going through this but i also wont sugarcoat like sharon said. especially when it involves a child..you dont want to leave your daughter with someone that she's not comfortable with or that cant stand her for more than 5 minutes. If it were my son he wouldnt be staying with anyone that he wasnt familiar with. I start working this weekend and he will be staying with my mother rather than his dad because they dont spend enough time together and have only been alone for about an hour without me being there. I trust his dad and i know he cares for our son but i dont think he is capable enough to watch our son for 10 hours in a day. You should really get these points across for your daughters sake and i think no man should be put before your child or child's well being. I dont know you're situation with your parents or family but if you have the support ask for their help.

[deleted account]

It kind of sounds to me like he might be depressed. You can have these awful highs & lows and the people around are left "lost" too. If you google it you can find short quizzes to help you determine if it's depression or not.
But on another note, unfortunately if he's frustrated for whatever reason, maybe the baby changing things, making money tight or whatever, then he is probably taking it out on you because he resents you not going through with the abortion. Have you guys sat down & talked about that? It would explain why he doesn't want to have any interaction with your daughter. In fact he might even blame her (though this isn't on purpose & too would be a symptom of depression). And yes anger is also a symptom of depression. But don't give up, there is a reason you married this man & sometimes it gets pretty hard but marriage isn't for the weak. Good luck, I hope you find a solution & I am so glad you kept your baby, even if he is mad about that, it is your body & you would have had to live with that choice so good for you :)

Lisa - posted on 09/24/2010

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I dont mean to sound rude or be mean but from your second reply where you talk about divorce at the end..it sounds like you have some maturing to do as well. your best bet is to get marriage counseling because if you have all these thoughts about him being unfaithful, etc and cant make a decision you have alot more growing up to do. Again im not trying to be mean or hurt any feelings but it looks like both of you have some maturing to do. You can also find couples counseling in church free of charge. Expressing feelings that deep without making a decision isnt safe for any child. stop thinking about yourself..think about your child as well. You made the decision to have her and you both made the decision to get married after she was born so you have to work this issue out together as a couple. Nothing we say will change things for you..only you can change them. ladies here are here to encourage and be of help with advice..that is all. only you can make decisions.

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Heather - posted on 02/17/2013

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Hi Adrian: I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have you two tried counseling? If you are not in love with himthen I'm sorry but you need to end it. Eventually find someone who loves you and you have a great relationship with. Wouldn't that be the advice you would give your daughter? Good luck with all this. Please message if you want to talk more.

Mai - posted on 02/07/2013

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Please don't leave Layla alone with your unloving husband. What if something terrible happens to her. You will live to regret the rest of your life and you won't be able to forgive yourself. We have heard a lot of similar stories and the outcomes have not been favourable at all. Please I beg you, don't leave Layla with your husband.

Suzzanne - posted on 01/26/2013

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It sounds like your husband blames you for wanting to keep your baby. He's jealous that all your time is now focused on your daughter and not him. Speaking from experience you shouldn't stay with someone because they are the one who pays the bills. It's not easy to be a single mom. It was a struggle, but if you love your daughter you do what you have to do what's best for her. You may love your husband , but its time for you to move on . If he is acting this way now , it's only going to get worse .

Heather - posted on 01/14/2013

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It will be hard for awhile sounds like u need to just separate for away and see if he really does love u .....also if he isn't helping u with her anyways then u already r on your own ...best to luck with whatever u do

Ann - posted on 01/05/2013

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Call your parents and arrange to go home. You don't have to leave your husband, but something is whispering to you the truth about him. He is not your soul mate or he wouldn't need to be told to help, he would just help, because you would be his soul mate and he would move heaven and earth to help you and keep you happy.

Don't for a minute leave your child with him...too many horror stories about these men that are forced to watch their children and shake them or worse.

Better to admit a mistake, than lose years regretting not having left sooner. Who knows maybe your leaving may wake him up. Don't hold your breath or wait. Keep moving forward.

Segale - posted on 01/04/2013

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Got married too soon. He didn't even want the child. Probably feels like you trapped him and now he's mad as hell.

Merrie - posted on 12/30/2012

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I think yoy should rethink your decision to go back to work right now or find a daycare for your daughter if you are that uncomfortable. Money may be tight because of it and it may strain your relationship even more, but your daughter's wellbeing comes first. And you aren't going to be able to work very well if you don't have peace of mind. Trust me. I started work earlier than I was really ready for and wooried constantly about my son. I ended up quitting shortly after that and became a stay at home mom. It was rough at first but so worth it because I know where my son is and that he is safe and well cared for.

Donna - posted on 12/25/2012

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Amber M, sorry you are still going through rough spots. I agree with your assessment counseling is needed. Sometimes that counselor could be a pastor, mom, dad or older sibling who knows what's going on and can talk to him in a nonjudgmental manner. It isn't easy and I do hope you will realize your happiness is important. Good luck.

Donna - posted on 12/25/2012

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Adrian, I am so happy to read things went well while you we're away together and he's realizing his responsibilities! :-) it will take time, love and patience. Even after over 18yrs of marriage for me, it is still that too! :-) good luck to you and Merry Christmas! PS, that word, "hospice" at the end of my last comment...not meant to be there!lol! My phone auto corrects! ;-)

Penny - posted on 12/24/2012

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My husband was distant when my first daughter was born, tho he was very attentive before she came along. I was tired, the baby always cried, he worked long hours. When he did finally get home, he wouldn't even look in on her unless I said something. This lasted about 3 months?? I think we were both going through a bit of the maternity blues for a while. He changed ever so gradually, not because I nagged, but because I think he noticed my daughter's smile. I had to teach him a lot, and his mother also told him to pick her up, do this, do that, how to play... What would make her laugh :) Now he's a wonderful father of 2 and I ask HIM for advice! Don't give up yet. Try being overly thankful and happy when he does little things - it'll hopefully grow from wanting to please you to getting satisfaction out of helping his family and having a positive role in his baby's life.

Donna - posted on 12/24/2012

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Adrian, I read a conflict in your responses. Are you afraid to leave your baby with her dad or not? If so, what is it are you afraid he might do? You are the only one who knows this and a mother's instincts are always right. If you trust him at all, since it seems you do from one of your response, then really sit with him and outline the care for the child. Some men are better with instructions afterall. Now as far as your relationship goes, you are both very young, but having been in a relationship for 9 yrs (?), there is a lot of history there! You need a heart to heart to see where he's at and if you have the same goals where your relationship is concerned. You don't want to be in an unhappy marriage. Hospice to you and your family!

Amber - posted on 12/18/2012

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I feel like I wrote this post myself. And I have now been married for 4 years, and have a 3 year old. Nothing has changed. We both need to get counselling!!! For our daughters' sakes. My husband sounds a lot like yours. And when I SERIOUSLY tell him how miserable or worried I am, he agrees to get counselling with me or apologizes and promises to change. But nothing has changed yet, and it has been hell for 3 years. Some days are good of course, or I wouldn't still be here. But reading your post just shows me, again, it will never get better unless we change something.

DeserRai - posted on 12/15/2012

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I know you posted this in 2010 and from your last post things seemed to be looking up. How is everything? I hope everything worked out for you. God bless!

Cikku - posted on 12/12/2012

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Man's point of view - he seems to be angry with/because of the baby.



Why? Only he knows IF he knows.



Solution: Counselling with you or at least himself alone with another MAN counselor and not any counselor that is a friend of his. Do not expect results until well over 3 months.



First step: Sit down (as the saying goes) with him and ask him calmly, no accusations, shouting, nagging and so on. If he shouts, do NOT retaliate while talking to him. Just keep calm. Try to find him in a good mood like while he is playing video games or a hobby and NOT while he is eating or back from work.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/07/2011

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Hello adrian for some reason this post poped back up on my phone so i decided to write to see how are things going with you and little AYLA !!! I hope all is well with the situation with your huband and i will keep you and Ayla up in my prayers .i would love to here from you cause my heart is heavy burdened for some reason and i hope it,s for the good and not bad i really believe that if you read all your postes from all the beautiful ladies that cared you are all right cause we cate and remember Jesus loves you he will never put on you more the you can bare lean and depend on Jesus he will never let you down things might not work out oin your time but he,s an on time God believe me trust and believe if you recieve him he will give you peace that passes all understanding i kniow you young but your a mother and a wife your never to young to know Jesus he,s an awesome God cast your cares on him because he care for you God Bless and i would love to here how you and the Family are doing .

Kristi - posted on 12/07/2011

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I'm sorry too, but its only going to get worse. You have to put your baby first. Good luck,

Janessia - posted on 11/20/2011

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i feel the same way about my baby father we been together for 5 years and thats all he does durnin the day is play the video game with his friends he wont help feed him or change him or give him a bath or put him to bed hes with me 24/7 and everythie i tell him to help me he tells me hes leavein or but being together is just like being a single mom i get help from no one his family dont like me cuz im black and they dont like black people and my mom looks at it this way she raised all her kids so i am turly on my own

Adrian - posted on 10/20/2010

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So, we went to Florida last week for Vacation, he changed around his sleep schedule so that he was sleeping at night and up all day. We were staying with his mother and grandparents, and because they adore Ayla, they kept kicking us out of the house to spend time alone just us while they watched Ayla. Since we got back, I think he realized how much i actually do during the day, so he has been really nice, he's been making me dinner daily, taking Ayla from me just to hold her, and yesterday night, he even bundled her up and took her on a little walk just the two of them. I think that him seeing me during the day and how stressed I am made him realize that just because he's the only one making money, doesn't mean that he works the most. He is used to coming home to a clean home and a happy baby, so i don't think he ever thought about it.
We decided that we are going to move to Florida in about 6 months so that we can be near built-in baby sitters, and so he can go to school so he can get out of minimum wage, night jobs.
I'm telling you, he hasn't changed, he still gets immature, angry, and tries to run from responsibility, but... he actually cares now, he's trying to be a good father. Ayla actually smiles and plays with him instead of just crying with him now... I never thought it would be possible, but just one week away from the stress of home, made him wake up in a way. I'm so glad we went on that vacation. XD

Darline - posted on 10/20/2010

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I 'm not sure what to say here, but I think is better being alone than to be two in a mess.
you are a strong woman, I think you can get the child into a day care and go to work, than to risk her health by leaving her with ur husband. Every home has it problem but when a child is involv, you put ur differences at side and work togather . I wish you luck and God's blessing.

Abo - posted on 10/08/2010

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Adrian,dear sister! I really empathise with you - I've been through a bit of what you are describing - hubby not helping with chores or the baby - thank God it passed. I would say : get therapy; go out with your baby during the day(park,zoo,mall,etc.) this will help clear your mind and you might actually make some friends. ; let him stay with the baby for 10-30min everyday whether you're @ home or out. ; you seem to want this marriage/family so think of ways you can change or improve your own personality in order to make things workable. ; keep venting - to us moms and definitely to God(pray pray pray)!

Adrian - posted on 10/08/2010

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oh... i don't know if i said this in the previous post... but when i talked to him about divorce, he said that he would rather me hate him, married to him, and miserable... he said he will never let me marry some one else. and that if i tried to move, he would go to court and say i was trying to kidnap our child... and i looked it up... you need permission from both parties for divorce, unless there is a case of long-term jail, threats, or abuse.

Adrian - posted on 10/08/2010

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i trust my husband, i want him to be a good father, he wants to be a good father, i can see it. he just isn't. he doesn't know how to handle her, and not just when she's crying. i have him hold her, i have him change her diaper, and he doesn't like to because all she want's is me.
he doesn't know how to deal with a child, he doesn't know how to handle the responsibility of a child. he's not grown up enough. i feel like i forced him into this, but i also gave him every chance to get out that he could, but he stayed, so i know he wants to be a good father, but he just isn't. he doesn't know anything about her, and the thing is that she behaves differently, so if one thing with me gets her to sleep, it will be a different thing with him that gets her to sleep, so i can't give him tips or anything. it's so hard, because I'm trying to start my business, raise a child, and teach my husband how to deal with our child... all at once. i can't do it... I'm so close to breaking point. I'm going back to my old psychologist, and I'm hoping that it'll work because she has quite a few kids, and she's like a friend, not a counselor, to me.
I'm trying my hardest to make this family work. but Chris is constantly mad at me for something or another, and he can't handle Ayla because he doesn't have a relationship with her... She doesn't even know who he is.

I just wish there was some way i could actually make things move along without breaking myself down to the point where i won't have anything left.
It's not really my relationship with my husband that is bad, plus he already told me that he would refuse to sign divorce papers, no matter what.
It's just him and Ayla's relationship that kills me. I'm scared that he'll do something to her, but i also know that he never will... i don't know if that makes any sense or not...
i know that some of my stress is coming from not having any friends where i live, it's just my family, and i'm not really close with my family, i don't trust them. i wish i could change a lot of things, but i don't have all that power, or strength... even the strongest of us have a breaking point... and i'm near mine.. my night terrors and flash backs are getting worse, ayla is getting teeth so she's constantly upset and in pain, and i don't have any help from anybody. it's hard.

i know this is mainly a venting post... but i don't have people to vent to, only the people in circle of mom's actually listen and understand. i already feel a little better getting all that off my chest.
i do know that i want to stay with my husband, and i do know that he wants to be a good father... he's just not trying. he never has. he's only taken her if i've asked or have been sleeping and not responding to ayla's cries, even then, when i wake up, he's furious with me... i feel like i can do nothing right except make my daughter smile and laugh. and i know for a lot of people that is enough... but there comes a point when you need more, you need someone who will actually be there, and my husband never really has been. i know it's not entirely his fault because of his work schedule, but when he's awake, he doesn't even lift a finger. yet here i am depriving myself of food some days so that i can make sure my daughter has everything she needs and that the house stays suitable for her to be in.

Ashley - posted on 10/07/2010

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I think that giving him a chance to watch her will make them bound maybe he felt like you had everything covered give him a chance. I no a lot of men that simply suck with babys but as soon as they become toddlers low and behold the father comes out so dont make any hasty decisions give yourselves time to get used to all the change im sure you both will be fine. But i just want to say again that he deserves a chance to p[parent her and im disappointed that most women on here figured that he shouldn't. I would give him a chance try to trust him dont rip him apart for doing things differantly and wright out her scedual what she eats what helps her stop crying what makes her cry men are visual learners he will forget if u just tell him he may choce not to read it that fine. I no me as a mom i believe i am the best person to care for my child and no one can care for him like me i used to feel like i was some how hurting him buy leaving in time i felt much better because i started trusting the people careing for him. I wish u all luck

Suzyo - posted on 10/07/2010

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I have just read about you little brother having violent tendancies. is he the same brother that you wanted to help your husband with your duaghter?? if yes then don't just get a sitter to help your husband while you are away.

Suzyo - posted on 10/07/2010

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Hi Adrian. Am going t be blunt and tell you that you have contributed to the whole situation by switching all your focus from your husband to your daughter and with no warning. I don't know you and i don't leave with you but what i can deduce from this is that you have not given him a fair shot at being a dad. in short you have somewhat been a clingy mom (believe me i understand its not easy to let others in when you are a new mom). try letting him sit with her while you do your chores so as to allow for them to bond (you should have been doing this from the very beginning then he would have felt that he belonged too). I like that you will give him a chance and incorporate your brother or a sitter untill he is acustomed to being with her. i also agree that you both need counselling because i believe he might be suffering from attention deficit syndrome which is quite common in men with the birth of a child and since you have been together so long (though young) he might neglected and you on the other hand are so excited with your new bundle of joy that you forget to care for him too. Did you have any pre-marital counselling?? that would have helped to prepare both of you on how to handle the pressures of life but its never to let to get some counselling so do try to get that as soon as you can.I get that you are both young but you are parents now so not so young anymore. Good luck and God bless

Betsy - posted on 10/06/2010

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Adrian,
Where do i begin !!! First if you don't trust your own husband with your kid then don't live your child with him.
Talk to your family, or friends !!!
Get some help.

Adrian - posted on 10/06/2010

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my parents don't live together, they're married, and still very much in love, but my mom is going to school, so she lives in a different town, and i'd get even less support living with my dad. My dad loves Ayla, but he was the same with me and my siblings as my husband is with Ayla. And my little brother has violent tendencies, he's already attacked me once while i was holding Ayla, and the cops thought it was a joke... so i cant live at my dad's. At this point, the only place i have to go, is where I'm at.

Leslie - posted on 10/06/2010

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Move back in with your parents. This guy doesn't want to be married or a father. You are a single mother and as such it is best for you and the child to be around positive male and female role models if they are such.

Adrian - posted on 10/05/2010

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I've gone over and re-read every ones responses. I still think that leaving her with him would be okai. Mainly because with my job, it takes a few months to get a steady clientele. So they won't be left together for more than an hour at first. which i know he has done before. I do love him, i don't want to leave him. I'm not worried about him abusing her, I'm just worried about him not being able to handle her when she's upset. I think that the only thing that really should not have happened, was the marriage. I know that we would probably still be together had we not gotten married, and i know that a lot of our problems are based on my decisions. But how i feel about that is that he committed to those choices of mine, and now he is not there. Even if i need him, it's not only that he's not the father he should be, he's not the friend that i need and that he was before we got married.
I can see how a lot of my posts are redundant and agreeing to a lot of things said, but everything that has been said, I've gone through over and over. And the choice of leaving them together while I'm working seems best, because it's not just my husband that needs to adjust to her, but she also needs to adjust to him, and the only way that can possibly happen is if they spend time alone. I want to fight for my family, I am going to fight for my family, and things will go how they go... I don't want them to end, but if that's how they happen, then that's how they happen.
Part of what makes things so hard between us is that I've had three miscarriages and have been through a lot of traumatizing things. So i have pretty bad PTSD, and he doesn't understand it. So i know that i need to open up fully to him, but it's difficult to.
We are going on a week long vacation next week, and we are hoping that being away from the work and the stress will give us all some bonding and relaxation time.
I know this post is sparatic, but i was gone for 4 days to go to the minnesota Renaissance Festival, and i'm trying to respond to everyone.
I would trust my instincts, but on this one, they are telling me two different things. So it's frustrating.

The only thing i can think of right now, is just leave them together. It'll be miserable at first, but it will get better, especially now since she can crawl and entertain herself.
I don't know what else i can really say.
thank you for your advise and support. It means a lot

Donna - posted on 10/04/2010

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if it were me i certainly wouldnt get a job if you cant trust him. it just seems like hes suffering from jetlag. it can take a person up to 6 months to adjust to working overnights.

Zita - posted on 10/04/2010

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hey......im a mum of six ......and i know what u going true my 1st husband was lie that and then it turned physical he was punching me .......if u feel that treatened then pack and live for good for ur baby's as well as ur sake .... he could and up hurting the both of u.im on my 4th hubby but he should of been the first.....he is very loving to all our kids......
don't stay just becuse u think u have to

Daleesa - posted on 10/04/2010

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Hello Adrian. So sorry to hear about your frustrations and fear. But know that many of your feelings are normal. There are many of us moms who deal with similar things. The best way to help your relationship with your husband is through communication. If you are unable to resolve things together, please consider seeking professional advice (but carefully consider who you get the advice from). Being a wife and a mother is no easy task. It may be difficult to look at the positive side of things when you are so hurt by all the negative things. However, it is possible to reposition your thinking, which in turn, may possibly cause your husband to act differently towards you.



Your husband is probably dealing with mixed emotions right now. As unfair as it may feel to you, if you really love him, try to understand what he is dealing with. He's may be stressed about the responsibilities (emotionally & financially), he may be dealing with resentment (as you mentioned, he was 'furious' for along time), and who knows what else??? Men have a need of having to 'escape' reality when stress builds up around them. A crying baby just adds to the stress (I know). The video games may seem childlike to you, but much better than other things he could be doing to attempt to releive his stress. Hang in there!!!



Many people today give up too soon on their marriages. It's not easy hanging in through the good times and bad. But unless there is abuse, neglect (food/home/shelter), or infidelity going on....beleive me, your family is worth fighting for. Keep your head up.



(sorry if I repeated any replies, I didn't have time to read through all of them)

Tajma - posted on 10/03/2010

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omg he is young a sitter or day care does sound better. @ least until he understands the baby is hear and not going anywhere. But I stand by my 1st reply stay focused on you and ur daughter stash some $ along the way...

Tajma - posted on 10/02/2010

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Hello Adrian
Here is an idea that worked for me stay focused on you and the baby. Start to keep a schedule and try to get as much done as you can. You will never clean the whole house in one day again. But by the end of the week things don't look so cloudy. Going back to work is great. Leave your daughter @ home with her dad he needs to understand what you go through. When you do start back working make a daily journal for him and prepair meales and bottle servings. There is nothing to be afraid of allow them 2 to bond. In the mean time you can begain to gain a form of security again for yourself.
Good Luck

Shelley - posted on 10/01/2010

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Firstly, seems to me you have already made up your mind as you are just referring to people's ideas that validate your own thinking, and you seem to think that what other people are saying is insulting you. They are not - please reread some posts and think about what they are saying. It is important. Also, remember that ignoring a baby is neglect and that is also abuse. You can't leave your child with her father if he is going to ignore and neglect her and play wow or smoke whilst she is screaming and distressed - that is just wrong. You (I hope) wouldn't do it to her, so don't put her in a situation where someone else does. Hire someone to look after her - that is the immediate logical solution.

I remember my mom's advice with my first child was invaluable. She said that whatever you do, don't ignore your husband. Get him involved (e.g. bathing the child etc) so that you are being parents together - it isn't you and her with him on the outside looking in, as this causes resentment. Try involving him with whatever you are doing with her.

Girl, at 18 your selective reading is pretty strong. Take what people say here to heart, cause if your husband does resent your little one at all, it could lead to him hurting her in a moment of anger, even if he doesn't mean to. You have to make some mature decisions for your angel.

Good luck - and I agree wholeheartedly that you need to learn to trust your instincts. And your instinct has told you that there is a problem leaving your baby alone with your husband - at least for now, maybe that will change in future, but for now listen to your instinct and do the right thing. You can use other opportunities to help father and daughter to bond.

Gay - posted on 10/01/2010

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Trust your instincts. You just don't want to listen to them right now because it creates a snowball effect of a world of hurt. I understand. I had to separate from my husband when my son was 2 years old. It's been a hard road, I won't kid you, but it was what I HAD to do for me and my child.

Jessica - posted on 10/01/2010

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Adrian,
you should have came to the realazation that you were going to be a single mom when he made an appointment for an abortion. He clearly was not ready to be a husband or father and let you know that from the begin... He tried and it is not working for him... I am not sure how old he is but you should get use to the idea that you and ur daughter are on your own... I would suggest that the best thing for you to do is get her in some kind of daycare and work full time so you can support yourselves... Good thing is that he is working and you can take him to court for child support. But he is not your soul mate... your soul mate would be there to help you would love the child that you both created... Find a good divorce lawyer...

Trisha - posted on 10/01/2010

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Hi Adrian, I really feel for you. I was married at your husband's age to a man the same age. We didn't have a child until many years later, but what you are saying here reminds me of our relationship. This particular phrase really stood out to me, "he just is one of those guys who hates responsibility." This was/is my now ex-husband. It did not get any better. Even now, he's 41, and he does not meet his responsibilities. I just want to prepare you that age does not equal maturity. You can love him and desire to have a full, wonderful relationship and family, but you have to deal with the reality for your daughter. I will pray for you.

Tania - posted on 10/01/2010

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Hi Adrian,

I think at some point during pregnancy / early motherhood we all feel like single mothers, and that we are in this alone. My daughter is almost 3 now, and i felt the same as you at some point. I think men take longer to bond (especially when its a girl). My husband got VERY involved after she was 1 year old. I think in many ways men feel useless and scared that they might hurt the little ones, and scared they do something wrong. You are both probably sleep deprived and frustrated as new parents and being newly married has its own strains... Him playing playstation games is his way of escaping reality, and having a time out...

I think you need to sit down with your husband and talk this out. (not argue or pointing fingers) You have to let him know what your expectations of him as a father and a husband is.

Hope this helps...

Geraldine - posted on 09/30/2010

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i think first is your kid and second is your husband: now you are mom you are not alone anymore because you have Ayla ok? Don`t you trust on nurserys? I left my kid in a nursery and everything is all right and also you are going to work only for a few hours not all day long.

Courtney - posted on 09/30/2010

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Hi Adrian,
Someone else has already said this, but he may indeed feel depressed. He may miss having you to himself, along with feeling trapped by the helplessness of the baby. He is still young-a young father, definitely, and probably wonders if his party days are over for good. Sounds like you two could use some alone time, but no babysitter would make going out, even for a little while, almost impossible. What time is her bed time? I think you might be able to adjust her schedule so she'll sleep most of the time when he's got her. He may suprise you and be better than you expect! Also, men tend to like kids when they are older and more able to "play" with them. As she starts crawling, then walking, etc, you may notice a change in their relationship. Good luck with everything!
Courtney (married mother of three ages 11, 3, and 1)
P.S. try having a sexy, romantic night with him when the baby is asleep, bring back the"old times" he remembers!!!

Sonya - posted on 09/30/2010

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Hi Adrian, I'm sorry to hear about your situation BUT you have to take responsibility for your role in this failing marriage and the fact that your husband doesn't act like a father to your daughter. First of all, you married someone you weren't in love with....is'nt that the point of marriage? Next it seems you and he forced the marriage because of the baby, now it's true he knew as well as you how to avoid an unwanted pregnancy but...it didn't mean YOU HAD to get married once you decided to keep the baby. He probably resents you and her and "blames" you for this whole fiasco of a marriage. Try counseling, get to the truth, and see if there is anything worth salvaging to make it work. If not call it quits and divorce, please don't have your daughter grow-up in a home where there's soo much tension,and lack of togetherness. Good Luck

Adrian - posted on 09/29/2010

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i talked to him today before he went to work. he told me to deal with it because that's how things are... i asked him if they would stay that way, and he said that they will stay how they stay until we change them. When i asked what if i change it, he got mad and left to work. this was about 30 minutes ago.
Emily: i love your daughter's name :) and that is exactly what happens, if i need to take a shower, he just plays his video games or gets angry about his computer breaking and ignores her, i hear her crying and i get out of the shower half clean, he doesn't do anything to hurt her, he just ignores her. since his video card broke, he can't play comp games, so he's been more involved, but i know as soon as he gets a new one from his father it's just going to go back to how it was, which is sad, because since he's been spending a little more time with us, ayla has actually started smiling at him, and i know it's going to hurt her him ignoring us again.
i honestly feel like i would be less lonely if it was just me and ayla.

Emily - posted on 09/29/2010

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wow. some of what youve said is exactly how i felt a couple of months ago. im also 18 not married but my boyfriend is 20 and weve been together almost 5yrs. our daughter is also named ayla and she is 11 months old. i went back to work part time when she was 3months old because we used up all my savings and my partner lost his job a week before ayla was born and has been unsucsessful finding a new one. i stil only work part time and ayla goes to daycare 2 days a week meaning my boyfriend only looks after her one day. i dont think my boyfriend would hurt her but ive seen him playing computer while shes getting into things she shouldnt be or crying and not getting the attention she deserved. im happier with her in daycare. i found instead of forcing them to be alone together that we would spend the day together and she would be much happier and less stressed. daddy gives shoulder rides and pushes her on the swing and we do cuddles with mummy and daddy at night. i think my boyfriend mitchel was scared of ayla as a baby because he didnt no what to do with her and was afraid of dropping her. now she is active and we do regular family outings she feels much more secure with him and i feel a lot more secure leaving her with him.

Lisa - posted on 09/29/2010

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My husband works all the time as well. Maybe your husband feels that you take better care of your child and is scared to jump in and help. Talk to him about how you feel. Communicate with him about all things. It will help bring you closer and maybe give him the confidence he needs.

HEIDI - posted on 09/29/2010

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If your worried about leaving her alone with him for so long then trust your instincts. A mothers instincts are usually always right. If you really want to give it a try with him babysitting then get someone to check in on them while your gone. I would definitely ask him straight out if he wants to watch her or not as well as if he does not want then you have to find a daycare that watches children past 6 o'clock. believe it or not there are some...

Christelle - posted on 09/28/2010

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In the first place what man tells a woman to go for a abortion, if he can do that what else is he capable of? I also say prepare yourself to become a single mom. Sometimes it is better to be raised in a loving single home with your mom than a abusive one. That could scar your child for life. Ask yourself, how is your child going to react when she starts to understand that he Dad does not want her? If you decide to leave him for the sake of your child you need to do it before she even turns 16months, before she can understand his "hate". Women are stronger than we give credit to ourselves, it sounds scary, but no one needs a man like that in their life. Good luck, and may God carry you and your little angel through this to happier days.

Karen - posted on 09/28/2010

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Hi Adrian...
Gonna be honest..your first priority is your child..he maybe your husband ,but it doesn't sound like he wants the role of either husband or father..if he can't be bothered to be there to help for you while your home do you really expect him to be there for your child while your gone..if he gets frustrated with you how do you think he is going to react to a child..who cannot defend themselves.your scared im sure to be on your own with your child, but its better than being completely alone is harm was to come to your child.could you live with yourself knowing you left this defenseless little person with someone who can't even be level headed with you...there is help out there, you don't have to do this alone..but remember who you are doing it for not yourself but your child..
no man is worth the trouble or fear that is in your head if your daughter should be left alone with him if your working..I pray for you now that God will give you the strength to be strong and do what is right for yourself but especially for you daughter...i have been there, it is hard, but i myself did it for my first daughter..her father was an abuser, and beat me day in and day out while i was pregnant...i did not want to be alone but i also did not want my daughter to die ...God Bless you..and your daughter..
Peace be with you...

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