Is it appropriate to remain friends with your teenage daughter's ex-boyfriend?

Cheryl - posted on 10/18/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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My 17 year old daughter started as a junior at a new high school. She began a relationship with a nice young man. His parents are very strict and he abides by their rules. they do curtail his freedom - he does not do a lot of socializing. He seems to like our more open friendly atmosphere but is very insecure and therefore tried to control my daughter's circle of friends, which consist of a lot of males. Is it appropriate for me to continue to support him and encourage him to make other friends?

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Magen - posted on 10/18/2009

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I would be careful. This can be hurtful for you daughter and can also confuse this boy as to weather their relationship is over. It is possible for them to still be friends. I remain friends to this day with some of my highschool boyfriends. But it has to be her inviting him over not you. And ther relationship has to grow and change on her terms not yours. I would say be nice to him and talk to him when she invites him to hang out but do not invite him over yourself. I hope this helps.

Michele - posted on 10/18/2009

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Try putting your-self in her shoes. How would you feel if you got divorced because your husband was very controlling and your mother still brought him around. I know it is hard when your family brings people you like into your life then expects you leave them when they do, but you must pick loyalties in this one. He may be using you to get to her.

Sandra - posted on 10/18/2009

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Beeee careful with this one. You have great intentions and admirable compassion. However, from my experiences this can be damaging to your relationship with your daughter as well as cause her a lot of guilt and confusion in regards to a choice she made.

Speaking as the experienced daughter here. ;)

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Is your daughter still interested in having a relationship with this young man? If so, maybe she is the one you should be talking to and advising on how she can help him. However I would think your daughter may not like what you are doing by staying in touch with him when he was controlling, she may get the wrong message that controlling men aren't bad... not sure that's the message you want to give your daughter for her future. I would stay out of that mess and if she is interested in helping him out with your advise then so be it otherwise... he will survive....best of luck

Sara - posted on 10/24/2009

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No, not appropriate. I think if you "bump" into him out and about you can catch up on things and maybe offer some advice. But he should not call you, you should not call him and do not be the one to invite a teenage male to your home. He could get the wrong impression or so could someone else if you know what I mean. You are there to support your daughter first and foremost. How would you feel if she constantly invited one of your ex's over?

Rita - posted on 10/24/2009

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first comes our chilren if your dauhter doesnt mind discuss it with her you could make her feel uncomftorble if not go ahead every good deed does not go undone.
good luck

Yaisa - posted on 10/21/2009

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i feel if it is going to destroy the bond with you and your daughter no!! you do not want to lose your daughters respect for a friendship!! but if she is ok with it, than so be it, unless he is just there to get her back. be sure its ok with her and let him know its just friendship and not to get her back.

Beckie - posted on 10/20/2009

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I dont know about friends but I see my daughters x all the time he even will stop by and say hey i really dont see a prob with it

Shannan - posted on 10/19/2009

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I would have to say that you should think of your daughter. If she has moved on then you should support that. My daughter has a lot of guy friends some I have gotten to know, but when she needs some space from them, I support her always.

You said that he was tring to control her friends, that may also cause problems with her relationships with her friends if he's hanging around. Make sure that your daughter knows that someone tring to control her in any way, is not right. She had good reason to dump him.

Either way it goes, he was her friend, and you being her mother may make her feel uncomfortible with him hanging out for advice from you, may cause jealousy.

Angela - posted on 10/19/2009

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I would say respectfully no. I can understand why you would want to but my advice would be to steer clear.

Marie - posted on 10/19/2009

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Catching up when u bump into him at the store or something like that would be perfectly fine but as far as anything else I would ask your daughter how she felt about it.

Donna - posted on 10/18/2009

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Hmmmm.....this is a tough one in my opinion. I would tend to say NO but it also sounds like you could be able to offer this young man some things that he would have a hard time finding elsewhere in his life. Check with your 17 yr old FIRST and if she's OK with it, there ya go. :)

Cheryl - posted on 10/18/2009

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I have been in a similar situation. I dated a boy when I was a teen and made friends with his mother. Granted, he and I still speak and are what I would consider occasional friends (we don't see each other often but whenever we do we chat and spend time). But to this day, I still see his mother at the grocery store where she works and make it a point to chat with her and ask her about her family as we were rather close for a long time. But, I no longer go to her house. I would suggest that you feel free to keep in touch, but limit any invitations to your house or other places where they could run into each other unless suggested by your daughter. And make it clear to the boy that your daughter always comes first.

Maggie - posted on 10/18/2009

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If he had never dated your daughter and you'd met him some other way do you think a friendship between him and you would be appropriate? I don't know how his parents feel about it but I would not like it if my son started hanging around with an older woman - no matter what your intentions are.

Ann - posted on 10/18/2009

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I actually had the opposite situation where my son had a girlfriend and she and I stayed friends after they broke up. I still saw her and took her out to lunch once in a while. She had a mixed up family life, she lived with her grandmother and uncle. Grandma passed away anf then she started living with her mom and then her dads, then back to moms. about 9 months after her grandmother passed away, her mom died. She actually asked me if she couuld come and live with us. After family meetings with my three children, we decided to adopt her. She is now like my sons sister and definitely my third daughter. Sometimes I think she brought into my life so I could take care of her. Not one of her relatives wanted to take her and she wanted to come be with me. I have three natural born children and one who choose to live with me. I am truly blessed.

Yasmin - posted on 10/18/2009

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I think its ok to still have some contact with him if he was a big part of your family as a whole but not to have him coming over to the house. That would probably make her feel uncomfortable, especially if she starts seeing someone else. She needs to feel confident that you will try to accept someone else if she decides to do that. I am still good friends with my son's ex girlfriend but we spend time together outside of the house usually. That may not be as appropriate in this case. Support him yes but from a distance.

Cheryl - posted on 10/18/2009

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Thank you to all for your help. I am leaving it in my daughter's hands as to her inviting him over, for transportation, etc. I would not do any of the inviting. It is good that we have an open relationship and can discuss many things- we just had another talk about this situation. I am thankful for your support - teenage years are so much harder now than when I was growing up.

Gloria - posted on 10/18/2009

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I do not believe it is appropriate to continue your friendship with him. It could really be damaging to your daughter psycologically, too. It is his parents responsibility to encourage him and support him to make new friends.

Jenni - posted on 10/18/2009

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I would say it would depend on your level of friendship. Is it appropriate to have him hang out at your house still? No. Can he ask for advice every once in a while? Maybe. I have a friend who still talks to her teenage boy's ex friend (also male) and it's weird for her son, I could only imagine how many more times uncomfortable it would be for an ex girlfriend/boyfriend relationship if you were to remain 'friends' with him.

Also, if he was trying to control your daughter in any way, I would say let him go and send a clear message to your daughter that it's not ok no matter what the reason.



I am kind of a feminist so if it sounds harsh, please forgive me. I just hate to see any woman put up with any kind of control from a man, even if they think they see a reason for it. I hope this helps, good luck! :-)

Cheryl - posted on 10/18/2009

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Quoting Sandra:

Beeee careful with this one. You have great intentions and admirable compassion. However, from my experiences this can be damaging to your relationship with your daughter as well as cause her a lot of guilt and confusion in regards to a choice she made.
Speaking as the experienced daughter here. ;)



Thank you for that.  I am trying to support everyone here and see all sides, but it is a little messy.  She said that she doesn't mind if he hangs out here and still wants to be his friend (as in give him rides to school activities and talk to him in school), but without the entanglements.  I do tend to get a little more involved than I probably should. :)  A lot of her friends seem to have issues and I know I can't save the world.

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