Is it too much to ask of my fiancee to help out equally?

Amanda - posted on 09/16/2011

If you both work he should help out tell him that you need his help if nothing changes stop cleaning up after him let his laundry build up and when he ask tell him you are willing to show him how the washer works he should get the hint

Danise - posted on 05/24/2011

I think the important word here is SEEMS to think, men are really lazy and will not do anything if they can. I think it will be usefull to have a discussion about this and draw up a task list of what each one of you responsibilities around the house and baby will be.

Audra - posted on 05/20/2011

Times have changed...women used to manage the home. In a situation where you both have to work, there should be some compromise. Either both of you have a set of responsibilities at home, or you both chip in to hire it out.

Mandy - posted on 05/12/2010

Of course it's not too much to ask of him.It's a world of equality we live in nowadays,you really should speak with him about how you feel,the chances are he has no idea,men can be so oblivious!!!
I have one the same,sometimes he listens,sometimes not but you need to persevere,and dont let it get to you,its not the end of the world if a bit of housework gets left undone!

Christina - posted on 05/11/2010

It was like that for a while. I just had to sit down and really have a heart to heart with him and let him know that I needed help. I understood that he worked all day but so did I. We live in an equal household and we have an equal relationship. He understood.

Stacie - posted on 05/11/2010

he has to help out just as much as you do he cant expect both of u to go out to work and come home and only one person to be working in the home. If he makes the mess he has to help clean it otherwise he shouldnt be living in a house that he cant maintain.

Faith - posted on 05/08/2010

No I don't think it's too much. But men see things differently than we do. I go threw the same thing myself. I think they believe as long as they're working and doing whatever needs to be fixed, or mowing the lawn, that's all they need to do and the rest is up to us. Have a sit down with your better half and tell him exactly how you feel. See what happens after that, if nothing then don't clean up after him. Tell him he forgot to put the glass in the sink or pick up his clothes off the floor.I don't know sista men have no clue to how much house work we do.

Michelle - posted on 05/08/2010

Men always think that when they are done for the day at work, that they're done for the day, period! While we as mom's come home, cook, clean, help with homework, etc....No, its not too much for him to help out with housework, especially if he lives there too...Any little bit helps, whether its folding laundry, doing dishes or starting dinner till you get home....They want it all and still expect the same level of personal attention to be given to them...Not fair! If you haven't done it already, figure out what chore around the house he can help you out with the most, and suggest that maybe you can alternate turns or something to that effect..I don't think thats unreasonable..You also have to think if this is how he's going to be when you get married.

Krissy - posted on 05/08/2010

don't marry him

Maunsapt - posted on 05/08/2010

By all means, your fiance should help with the house work. A couple should balance out the work, to help each other. otherwise, you might look at this marriage proposal again, because a woman is a complement to their mate and vice versus, it's not a slave relationship.

Sarah - posted on 05/08/2010

Don't marry him!

Natanya - posted on 05/07/2010

I would get a cleaner to clean the house every fortnight. If he's not going to do his share, then that's the bottom line. You are both adults and therefore both responsible for the house. Aren't you?

Allison - posted on 05/07/2010

i know how you feel. My hubby and I are going through the same thing except I am the one that has the manual Labor job. but he works the afternoon shift. I ask him to help out with some of the housework but not all. since he can do it with out the kids during the day but he doesn't I just started by not doing his laundry and then any mess that was his I just left he finally got the hint. hope this helps

Dina - posted on 05/07/2010

I hate to say it, but welcome to motherhood!. There is not a woman I have known that does not complain of the same. I have figured out after 12 years of motherhood, and 20 years married to the same man, this predicament will not go away. And if you don't do somthing about it now, the resentment will only build. First of all, it's amazing what an honest conversation (at the right time) can accomplish. That usually helps for a short time before their default kicks in again. What has worked for me is succomb to the hard work, but pay myself for the extra duties that I do in a diferent way. I insist on at least one day a week for me to go out of the house on my own (without the kids) even for just half a day to do whatever I want. Sometimes I meet a friend for lunch and shop, I can go sit at the park and read a magazine from front to back with a bag lunch, or just go pick strawberries, as long as it's ALONE, I don't care. I will tell you, the work never goes away, but it's your choice what attitude to do it with. Motherhood is great! The kids will grow up, and you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel soon, I promise!!!!

Sue - posted on 05/07/2010

I have been married for 25+ years: Advice
Don't nag. Lists work. Offer options. Ex: "Honey, we have no food, I will run out and get groceries can you be a dear and run the vacuum?" or whatever, but nobody can read your mind, and most men don't see what needs to be done. If you want anything done, you need to explain WHEN or WHY you want it done, because your priority is not his. "Honey, can you get the dishwasher emptied before dinner so its empty after we eat?"
It is not always easy, but we both do the yard work, we both clean, the kids do their own laundry and rooms, and after a few years, I don't ever have to ask to have him empty the dishwasher or run the vacuum!
p.s. nothing is always 50/50.
in marriage you can not keep score, it ruins the game.

Stacey - posted on 05/07/2010

I totaly feel you! I work full time adn go to school part time with 2 kids. Mine does not help as much as I would like and has the same "manual" work excuse. It has not become 50/50 but much better. Here's what I did
I started to bitch alot. THis does NOT work! Even though you might think they will get tired of hearing it, this will just pull you apart. Finally after trying to praise him (for things I do all the time), and so many other methods I went strait to the source. I picked a good time when we were on a good level (not fighting) and told him I was getting too stressed. It was too much for me to handle and all of those things that you are feelling. I asked him if we could start keeping score. This way if he is doing more than I am giving him credit for I will see. If I am doing the bulk and he is slacking he will see. I kept a pad of paper on the counter adn everytime we did something that was for the house or family (not ourselfs) we would mark a point. At the end he decided to start doing the dishes every other day and helps fold the cloths adn put them up. Still not equal but he is more apprciative. Not all men will agree to this, but I hope you find someway to relieve your stress.
PS not everything has to be prefect. Sometimes you just have to let it go! (Not letting him off the hook, but yourself)

Kirsten - posted on 05/07/2010

If you both work full time regardless of what type of work it is house work should still be 50/50. If he isn't willing to help or has that mindset you may want to wait on getting married and see if he changes because if not you're going to be miserable in a marriage.

Beth - posted on 05/07/2010

It is not too much to ask for, when my husband and i first moved in together, I pretty much did everything even though I also worked full time. After I had my son 10 years later is when I had to put my foot down. If he gets home before I do he can at least get the dishes done, throw in a load of laundry, pick up around the house, any of that helps. Put your foot down, I told my husband, I can easly do this on my own but if I do, I will not be married, since i am married, you get to do some of it and that is that. Good luck, let him know how you are feeling and put that foot down.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/07/2010

My husband has said the exact same thing. It wasn't until he worked in an office doing paperwork for several months that he told me he was sorry and that being mentally tired was no different than being physically tired. I wish I can tell you that I have a happy ending because while I love my husband dearly, he is not the partner that I want. I wish there was an easy answer because I almost think that this problem right here is one of the biggest the a man and a woman have together. As many woman have said, we don't live in the fifties anymore and the sooner our men wake up and realize that they need to do half. And if we are talking frankly, why do we have to ask them to help or even to change a darn diaper. Does anyone ask us to do laundry, cook dinner or give the baby a bath. They are adults and if they see dust on the furniture, dust it. If there are dishes in the sink, wash them. I guess just know that you are not alone. Maybe the best we can hope for is raising our boys to be good partners for their wives and teaching our daughters that they deserve a man who will expect that he will have half of everything to do and actually tell her what he is going to do to help out. Good luck to all of us hard working Moms.

Janice - posted on 05/06/2010

I'm a single mom by choice so I don't have any experience with this but, since you both work full time I think you should be sharing the housework. When both my parents worked, we got someone to clean the house once a week. I don't know if that is a possibility for you but it might help. I also think that you need to work this out before you get married. Good luck!

Josephine - posted on 05/06/2010

Men think differently, try asking him to help with the baby (because he can't say no to that ;)) and it will allow yourself to get done quicker so you have more time to relax. I do a good cleaning once a week. But tidy up a little each day. It really helps doing a little at a time. When my house is a wreck I get really overwhelmed....but you have to remind yourself you are only one person and even though we all like to think we're superwoman we're only human. Give yourself a break....so you can be refreshed to get things done. And even though we think we can change the man in our lives...we can't so getting upset or disgusted with them only fuels the fire. What works for me is I let him sleep in on my days off and the night before I let him know I'm going to need his help with the baby so I can take care of the house work. We also have an agreement he does the cooking and I do the cleaning. Unless our schedules change and he is working a lot them I step in when needed. I understand men don't typically cook but he can always bring home take out. The best thing is this situation is communicate to him how you're feeling and spell it out to him on what you need.

Summer - posted on 05/05/2010

he helps create the mess, he helps pay half the bills, he should help out regardless. Your NOT his maid. My ex husband was this way too. He would get to it when he wanted to..which basically meant never. My exhusband made that as his excuse too. Since he was in construction. So what I gave birth to a child...and raise it 85% of the time...don't hear me complaining bout it. It needs to be done! Heres a solution...tell your finance that if he doesn't make it a habit to help you out with the chores, you will hire a maid and take it out of his weekly or bi weekly pay check. Since he can't contribute physically, he can contribute financially to the household chores. See what he says. If he disagrees...go on STRIKE! Seriously!! Once he REALIZES how much you really do around the house, he may stop making excuses and help out. Especially when he wakes up one morning to no clean under ware or clean shirt to wear, and he's forced to wear dirty old undies and a stanky azz shirt to work. He may change his tune a bit! It worked for me...

Well ok edit to that last part...my ex-husband started wearing the dirty under ware. by the time i left. he had over 10 loads of laundry to do...haaaaa!!! but lets just hope your finance isn't a slob like my ex was and still is..good luck!

April - posted on 05/04/2010

How he was raised does have an impact but anyone can change their ways if they want to so I wish people will stop using their parents as an excuse for the way they are. Some men are just lazy & sloppy and that has nothing to do with mum.

Debbie - posted on 05/04/2010

He should help you out just because he does manual labor job does not mean he should not provide his fair share of the house work. If my husband did that I would go on strike until he did something about it as its mostly his mess as he leaves clothes all over the place

Nathalie - posted on 05/04/2010

After reading all these comments I feel really lucky, my husband always do laundry, sometimes he cooked, meanwhile I clean it up, and we never got to the point where we need to talk about who's doing this or that, good luck to all ladys who're going thru this situation, it must be really frustated!

Laurie - posted on 05/03/2010

you cant do it all.....tell him u feel burnt out and ask him if he can pick a couple of chores to do to help u out..if he says no than go on strke!!!he will change his tune real quick when he doesnt have a hot meal and no clean underwear

Helen - posted on 05/03/2010

I agree . You both work fulltime, you both have an equal responsibility at home as well. My husband is much more involved with the upbringing of our kids than his friends. They have made him backslide a few times but I remind him we are equally responsible and he has to pull his weight. We don't live in the 50's but if he wants to pretend we do he needs to step it up financially so I can quit my job. Until then we share ALL of the chores. Lol

Jackie - posted on 05/03/2010

Regardless of what he does throught the day you both contribute to the work share so you should both contribute to the house work.

Melissa - posted on 05/03/2010

I understand completely same here. I do the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of our daughter.

Rachel - posted on 05/02/2010

My rule: as long as we are both working full-time, then he gets to pitch in with a reasonable amount of housework. My husband grew up with a stay-at-home mom, so that took some getting used to for him. But, it is only reasonable for both people to take care of things.

If he feels like you should do it all and that it shouldn't be that big of a deal, you can always boycott housework for a while. That was very effective for me. I literally stopped doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, doing his laundry, sweeping/vacuuming the floors, etc. When he had to start washing a dish to eat or cook something, when he had to wear dirty clothes b/c nothing was clean, and when a dirty floor started irritating him, we had a nice couple fights where I made it clear that as long as we are both working, we are both doing housework. I am not going to work all day, take care of a kid all evening and do all the housework. That is unacceptable! Today, he helps with dishes, sweeps/mops/vacuums, does laundry, changes diapers, and (for the most part) cleans up after himself. The things he really dislikes doing (like dishes and putting away laundry), I'll do. But, it is pretty even. We have mutual respect and mutual responsibility for each other now. And that makes us a much happier married couple. :)

Rachel

Nicole - posted on 05/02/2010

its not too much to ask, but u r wasting ur time. men truly believe that they r more hard done by than women no matter how hard u work. i'm sure there r some men out there that r wonderful with house duties etc, but i think the majority of them r lazy, ignorant and selfish in this way. i find if i have a CALM talk to my husband when we r having a good day he listens better, but even then, he is good for a couple of days or so, helping with the kids and housework, but then he always goes back to his old self. and i am left feeling like an overworked maid. but wejust have to understand that 1. its how they are raised and 2. its in their brain chemistry. so really u r fighting a losing battle.

Karyl - posted on 05/01/2010

You better think about it because it only gets worse after marriage!!!

Yakini - posted on 05/01/2010

Absolutely not!!!! Don't let him tell you differently! I do not do manual labor now but I have before. I am just as exhausted from my day as I was when I performed manual labor. I refused for anyone to tell me that my job is not tiring. They have no idea. Unfortunately due to my husband's current schedule, I still end up doing most of the work Monday-Friday when it comes to Reyna but there is plenty left for him to take care of, house-wise, when he gets home. Like you said, it all can become overwhelming. I have sooooo much respect for single mothers.

Samantha - posted on 05/01/2010

i just tell mine , do you want a clean house or a bitch to live with.

he does the dishes every night just about now. which i like because i utterly loathe doing the dishes!

Jewel - posted on 04/30/2010

My husband started doing dishes and cleaning the kitchen on his own about six months ago. At one point he actually said that he wanted me to like living with him, and the clean kitchen would be a happy memory for me. Try Flylady, it's free, it's easy and it'll change the way you feel about your home, even if you don't do everything she says. It works for us.

Jayna - posted on 04/30/2010

I've been having the same battle. And it's tough. All I can do is remember the men don't really understand that being a mom is a whole job in itself. On top of everything else nonetheless. But no, definitely not too much to ask

Aenea - posted on 04/30/2010

In the same boat, my husband works full time in construction and at the time i was full time at a physician clinic office. He would not do nothing. I mean nothing, so I started to complain, nag get upset tell him how I feel or just did it. By him seeing me do it myself he knew that later it was going to be trouble so he would start helping me and from time to time he helps out even more, but i do not let him do the laundry anymore.

Gayle - posted on 04/30/2010

I know how you feel... We went thru this even before the baby and it's just gotten worse, and I'm the one with the manual labor job!!!! He thinks if he works, he should be able to come home, drink beer, play video games and sleep for 12 hrs!!! If i ask him to hold the baby for 5 mins so i can put some clothes on, he tells me to put her in the swing, that he worked all night and he wasn't gonna come home and do more, yet he expects to get frisky whenever he wants it.... it's like how can i take care of the baby, the house, work and still be in the mood? And if he doesn't get any, it's 10 times worse and i get an attitude to go with it!!! Pray that we can keep a bit of sanity.... Men, you can't live with them and you can't kill them.... and the best part, if he actually does do something, he expects to get thanked for it, but he doesn't thank me for doing his laundry or taking care of the baby!!!!

Beth - posted on 04/30/2010

You need to sit down and explain that you both work the same amount of hours and that you need help! Otherwise it just isn't going to work out. Remember that if mom isn't happy, nobody is happy!

Sheena - posted on 04/30/2010

Fiances do tired as much as you let them do. Put your foot down and demand help. We as women must demand help at times as this coforms them into the men we want them to be. It is a slow process! lol..you can give him a break every once in a while when he looks way tired tho

Mistress - posted on 04/30/2010

A relationship is a full time job and he needs to be involved as much as you. Ihave been married 25 years and we do thehousework together and it was started the week after our honeymoon and hasn't stopped. he needs to understand that work is work, wether it be manual labor, secretarial, wharehouse or nurse, it doesn't matter and then when you get home, you would like to relax as well. It is only fiar!

Diane - posted on 04/29/2010

My guy does everything for us! I felt guilty so I fold the laundry and put it away. I know Im terrible, but when I did care about keeping the house perfect I was always stressed out because it was always a mess! So I chose to not care so much and hire a maid. He said if I was going to pay anyone to clean the house it would be him so I did! Now we pretty much share all responsibilities. He is my superman though ;)

Laurie - posted on 04/29/2010

So the general consensus is that YES - it is not insane to want him to help out, but many don't think it is possible. I am lucky, my hubby does help out (at least most of the time). He was raised by a single mom and both he and I work jobs that take us out of the house for 40+ hours a week. I earn more, so if things get out of hand, I have a trump card, but I find that simple conversations work better. Specifically, I tell my husband that I wouldn't care about the inside of the house if he maintained the outside (when I was younger my dad did all the outside stuff and mom was all inside) - but since that is not the case, sitting on the couch was NOT going to happen. Honestly he told me that taking care of our daughters cloths or other "mundane" aspects of her childcare intimidated him, because he didn't know how I did things. We had to talk about what things were important (for me, since he is VERY good with Katherine) Once that got cleared up, he has helped more. Many dad's don't know what to do and are scared that if they don't do what you would do, they will be in trouble.
Every once in a while I have to make some noise, but in general, once we got the rules established, it is much easier. Maybe he doesn't know his role. Good Luck!

Diana - posted on 04/29/2010

No, it's not too much. He needs to remember that although you may not do so much manual labor you still work - mentally you can still become exhausted & overwhelmed, which sounds like you are both if you are carrying the heavier load of chores at home. I've had this problem with my spouse & a good friend (whom is going on 17 years of marriage) advised we split the chores. If one cooks - the other cleans. Or he takes care of all kitchen duties, including buying groceries, cooking food, washing dishes, & keeping everything in kitchen area clean & organized. Also he is responsible for trash, including diapers & recycling - AND he is responsible for fueling up all vehicles. This way I DO NOT have to COOK!! Wash dishes, take out trash, or stop at a gas station to or from work.
I bathe our kids, do all the laundy, clean the bathrooms & keep rest of house clean (vacuum, dust, etc) & I drop off kids at school & daycare, which means packing their lunch & diaper bags. He just has to pick them up.
This works for us or atleast so far so good. It has helped me a lot in the few days since we put this into play - but you may want to sit down & think of what will work for the 2 of you & perhaps try it.
Hope this is helpful. good luck!

Judy - posted on 04/29/2010

My husband is the same way. I don't think he necessarily expects me to do it he jdut does not acknowlege it needs to be done!! Unless you have the means to hire a cleaning crew (which i was eventually able to do) make your peace with it. If it is a deal breaker give it long and hard thought. It will not change.

Sarah - posted on 04/29/2010

It's a very tough thing to go through. Again, depending on how a man was raised, often determines how he will act when it comes to household chores. We try to share as much of the responsibility as possible, it's just really hard to do all the cooking and cleaning if you work a full time job. I would definitely sit down and talk with him, you don't want to find out after marriage that he will never change.

Tawnie - posted on 04/28/2010

When you do the laundry or dishes dont wash his clothes epecially his underwear that will really get his attention and if he has a certain coffee cup or something dont wash it

Sapna - posted on 04/28/2010

yes, I think you should,if you both are working full time and leaving togather then why not, if He does not want to help then just you do your part of work, and leave his( ex: his dishes,laundry etc...)

Maretta - posted on 04/28/2010

My close friend told her husband that if he wanted a "wifey" she would cut down to part time. She says it works well for their family. He comes home to a clean house,dinner started, and an unfrazzled wife who isn't too tired or busy to spend time with him and the kids. Also, please be aware that depending on your fiances age this may be his attitude about more than just housework. Don't cut your hours until after the wedding.

Louise - posted on 04/28/2010

I think most women are in the same boat! My husband was quite helpful around the house before we got married. I said I do and he seemed to expect me to wait on him despite me working full time. Its taken a great deal of training and a few rows to make him realise that he needs to share the chores. All the replies above are great, you really do need to stop picking up his dirty laundry, stop washing it, ironing it and putting it away for him and once he's had no option but to do things for himself, he'll start to see that he should be pulling his weight. I've learnt that the best approach is to ask for his help so that you can sit down together more quickly and have more quality time. Good luck