mommy works days, daddy works nights

Holly - posted on 06/23/2012 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Am i the only one out there that feels so lonley, but yet i'm married? Long story short, I only see my husband on the weekend (maybe?) If he has time for me and our 14 mth daughter. He works nights but also works part time on a farm on the weekends. If he's not doing that he usally says he needs time for him self. When we do get time together it usually starts out as an argument. Then leads in to me crying my eyes out begging for family time. Today i felt i reached an alltime low, i actully had to ask him to play with his daughter. and his response was you do it! He only spends 2 hrs a day with her, i have her all night by myself. i try to get all the house work done on the weeknights after my daughter goes to bed so that i can have play time with her after supper. why is it that i can't see my daughter enough because i work 8 hrs a day and he can't wait to take her to daycare?

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Xandria - posted on 07/10/2012

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My husband tried that crap for a little while until I told him it wasn't going to fly. I love my husband and we had issues for a while but I ended up pointing out to him that I work 40 hours a week then come home and cook dinner, help him watch our daughter and then he goes to work and it's up to me to get her to bed by myself. Then I was expected to wash clothes, put them up, do dishes, spend time with our daughter on my days off, and never have time for myself. One day I eventually told him to get his sh*t together or I was leaving because if was going to be a single mother I would do it with one less person in the house to take care of. I reminded him that I wasn't a SAHM and that it wasn't like I was sitting at home all day and that if I had to work and maintain the house he could either help of get out. Truly at this point you are a single mom. And if he doesn't want to give you the money from the side job if you leave him and file for child support you'll get some of it that way too. Any man who puts everything else before his family doesn't really deserve them.

Louise - posted on 06/24/2012

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I understand how you feel. You want to be acknowledged as his wife and sole partner and lead the life everyone else is around you. Your husband has become absorbed into working so hard that he has forgotten what he is working for. When you see him next ask him if you can take a few days away somewhere for a break. I know this costs money but it sounds to me like you both need to remember why you are married.

Something has to change in this situation, if you are both working to afford the house then why dont you move to something less expensive and spend more time together as a family than to watch the family fall apart trying to keep the house.

You need you time too! This relationship seems very one sided at the moment. He has got to want to make this marriage work too! You both need to put your emotions to one side and sit down and discuss the future, because you cant carry on like this.

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Kelly - posted on 07/29/2012

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Wow! Its really hard when schedules don't connect. My brother and sister in law are in the same predicament; working opposite schedules, both in school as well and have two kids...its hard to find that balance and its frustrating as well. I don't have any advice but I pray that your situation turns around soon. My brother often talks about how hard it is when you work so hard, paid so little and just being the man and knowing that its your job to provide and doing the best you can...On the other hand, it leaves alot on my sister in law as well; she feels like she does it alone alot with her working days and him working days and going to school during days...family tries to help out with babysitting but its hard for all involved. Try to schedule a talk time in advance so you both know its a time set aside just to talk about what is going on; that way neither of you will be caught unawares and emotions may not be so high. Good luck to you though.

Holly - posted on 07/11/2012

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OMG thats how i feel. I gave him till Aug 1st to get his act together. He thinks I won't do it because I always say i don't believe in divorse, but at this point maybe if i do something like pack a bag, maybe he'll get it through his head. He wants to come and go as he pleases, all his extra job money he thinks is only his, he doesn't want to go to days because he says " he won't get along with day people". The poor me act with him is over. I want a family,not a when he has time for us.

Jacqueline - posted on 07/03/2012

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its awful.im married 8.5years with 4kids ,6 down to 14 months.my husband works 7 days a week and at least 15 hrs per day.i work alsofull time but try to use my leave a day a week so the kids see one of us.i do all the house work and everything with the kids.i cant buy milk without packing up all 4.i resent it but love him.it makes me short tempered from exhaustion and i pay nearly all the bills.life is tough but u just have to plod on.the grass isnt so green on the othrr side.everyone has problems i feel.its good to have health

Holly - posted on 07/02/2012

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I GUESS I SHOULD MENTION THIS ABOUT MY HUSBAND, HE'S 34 AND YES HAS NOT GROWN UP EITHER. IN FEB HE GOT A DWI AND A HIT AND RUN, ON A SUNDAY NIGHT WILE MY SICK DAUGHTER AND I SAT HOME. ABOUT 6:30 THE POLICE SHOW UP AT MY DOOR TELLING ME THEY WERE LOOKING FOR MY HUSBAND. THIS IS NOT OUR LIFE STYLE. I AM A CITY EMPLOYEE AND HE WORKS A VERY GOOD JOB. THIS WEEKEND WAS EYE OPENER AGAIN. I HAD A LONG CONVERSATION WITH HIS FAMILY. THAY ALL SAID HE NEEDS TO GROW UP AND IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS ANYMORE. KRYSTEL I'M STARTING TO AGREE WITH YOU I WAS GOING TO TRY COUNCELING BUT AFTER THE WEEKEND I HAD AGAIN I'M FED UP!! YES ONCE AGAIN HE WENT TO WORK ON THE FARM AND LEFT ME HOME TO PAINT OUR DECK AND WATCH OUR 14 MTH OLD. O YA BY THE WAY HE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE MY ANY OF THE MONEY FROM THE FARM TO PAY BILLS HE SAYS THATS HIS FUN MONEY. I GAVE HIM TILL AUG 1ST. TO DO DIRECT DEPOSIT AND GET ON DAYS I'M FED UP!! I GIVE GIVE GIVE AND IT'S A ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP AT THIS PIONT. HE JUST KEEPS SAYING COUNCLING. I HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR MY DAUGHTER AND I. IF I HAVE TO BE ALONE THE REST OF MY LIFE I GUESS IT'S BETTER THE FIGHTING IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER.

Anna - posted on 07/02/2012

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Krystal, it's not always so black and white as you describe it. My husband, for instance, is a true workaholic. I think a lot of this stemps from a low self esteem and lack of confidence and brain washing on the part of corporate culture. It's a very competative environment to succeed as I myself came from it and my husband I guess is trying to prove that he can. Even though he knows that he risks losing his family, I realize that he is truly addicted and doesn't have the strength or energy to do anything about the problem. He loves both me and my son very much but he doesn't have the courage to quit and find a lower paying job with less hours, like I did. I honestly feel bad for my husband, I pity him at this point cause he's headed for corporate burnout and I gave up all my attempts at intervention cause they were causing too much stress, arguements, and aggravation. I lead my life as a single mother, never relying on my husband. Yes, this is sad but it's not exactly like I have a line of men knocking on my doorstep asking me to get married to them and I'm not about to go lookign for one with a 2 yr old on my hands. It wouldn't be fair to my son. I don't want to make things worse for him he already barely sees his father and I don't want to add to that. My philosophy is that I'm very thankful that I can work 3 days a week and spend a lot of time raising my son. Once he's grown up, I can address my marriage problems (or the lack thereof).

Krystal - posted on 07/02/2012

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I say to all u women is pack ur bags and leave them! Give them that shock that u mean business n tired of their selfish ways! I stupidly dealt with that crap for the first 4 yrs of my marriage! I was blinded by love! My husband was in the military and to him his 12 hr shifts n friends were more important. He was an amazing dad but a horrible husband... It seemed like the only time for each other was the bedroom! Needless to say I just kept myself busy and made friends n eventually made a life for me n my kids not living for my husband but if he's there than he is n if not oh we'll! I had to stay strong somehow. Needless to say he only served 4 yrs n we came home about a yr and a half later I was a cocktail server going on two yrs working nights while he world days n I started to realize we were living the same life. Id cry for his attention than he'd change for the good for a few days than b back to same the same bs! I had many advances by men but would always say I'm happily married ...bc I'm just not that type of person! It was until one day I realized how my husband would leave the cars low on gas so I had to fill up on the way home at 2:30 am evey week and how he'd never answer the phones if I called! He just didn't care! I mean what kind of husband just doesn't care about their wife? That was when I realized I didn Los him nemore n we separated for a while taking turns with the kids every weekend switching off. I later met a guy who payed attention to me as my husband never did, and I had fun and started to realize I should've left my husband a long ime ago bc I DO DESERVE BETTER! So later my husband finds out about this guy than all of a sudden wants to change, wants to do marriage counseling, and renew our vows... All things I wanted 5 years before! I tried so many ways to fix us but it wasn't till he realized I was over his bs that he finally changed! It breaks my heart and I hate him on some days that it took me cheating for him to finally change his ways n not take me for granted anymore! But I am also grateul for where we are now. If there is nething I'd do diff it is leaving his ass the first yr he was an asshole to me!!! Never settle for nething less than you deserve ladies!!!! Also if things r getting that bad n both of u work its time both of u make changed to both get a day Job so yal can have ur nights n weekends for each other! As soon as my husband found out bout that other guy he had me quit n I found a day job, the pay sucked. It it was indeed better for our family! We r the happiest weve ever been now!;) Good luck!

Courtney - posted on 06/28/2012

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No problem! Its nice to know that even though you guys don't get time to see each other that he was thoughtful enough to write you a letter. I don't see mine much either but when I do, its best to make good memories not bad ones. Sending luck your way!

Holly - posted on 06/28/2012

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ALL YOUR COMMENTS ARE GREAT AND GIVE ME REASON TO JUST STICK IN THERE. I GUESS I PULLED BACK A LITTLE FROM MY HUSBAND FOR A FEW DAYS AND LAST NIGHT WHEN I GOT HOME FROM WORK HE LEFT ME A LONG LETTER. (YES THAT IS THE ONLY WAY WE COMMUNICATE,LETTERS OR TEXT. WE DO NOT SEE EA OTHER.) HE WANTS TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE HE WANTS TO SEE A COUCILOR. AT LEAST ITS A START! IT LEAST I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE. YES COURTNEY MEN JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT BOND SOMETIMES WITH THE CHILDREN. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR COMMENTS

Courtney - posted on 06/27/2012

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I can only say that parenting changes relationships completely. Men DO NOT understand!! I actually went through a similar situation with the father of my child. We argued every chance we were alone because I felt so much resentment toward him for not doing his part and not spending enough time with our daughter. I can only say that to me, this stage is normal. We are better now and have continued to work on our relationship. Their bond is so much stronger as she got older but I remember how I felt all too well. I can honestly say that I feel like we got our love back and I just never gave up.

I take my daughter to daycare every morning and head to school, then work right after. By the time I am off and pick our daughter up; he is off to work. Now that we realized we had to change things and fix the scheduling so that we can have that family time together but for the most part, I'm alone! Its just a mommy thing. Its a routine and it sucks but communication is the key. And if he doesn't want to hear it too bad! You have to make yourself happy no matter what because your daughter can feel the tension. I know it is hard because it was hard for me especially when I felt like I really was alone in this whole parenting thing. I agree with really working on your relationship and doing whatever it takes to get back what you guys had. Guys don't know unless you really tell them and won't hear you out until they get the whole picture. It was hard for me to express because it was so easy for him to get out of the situation because of "work" or because he knew I would be too exausted to deal with it. I had to take it for what it was for awhile.

It takes time so be strong! Love IS hard work! It won't always be perfect or easy. You have to work at it and hear him out as well. Anyone can walk away but if you are willing to take it day by day then you will see changes. Compromise. I always pictured this happy family and that everything would be just fine but you never imagine fighting with the person you love over things like who does what more, bills, spending time with the family, etc...welcome to reality unfortunely. These are the things I feel women don't talk about enough. I am wishing the best for you and your family and I hope it all comes together!

Anna - posted on 06/27/2012

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Holly, my husband is a workaholic and works 80 - 90 hr weeks. He's never home before my 2 yr old son and I are asleep and he works more weekends than he's home. Most of his working weekends he's home after 9 PM. He worked both his birthday, Father's Day, Mother's Day, New Years Day, and many other holidays. Basically, it's a holiday when he's home. So I rarely ever see him either and that's on top of me woking a 3 - 4 days a week, being away from home 11 hrs during those days. I come home, I do almost everything on my own too. I do get some help with cleaning and cooking. I just got used to this lifestyle. I love my son and enjoy every moment I have with him. We live in NY and my husband works in the corporate environment and unfortunately this is the reality for a lot of ppl here. His decision to pursue his career over his family, well, it's his choice and I'm sure he'll regret it later in life. After 7 yrs of marriage, I realized I either have to take it or leave it and, I'm not ready to leave. Unless you're ready to leave your husband or can talk to him about changing your lifestyle together, try to focus on the good things, that's all the advice I can give you. Cherish the little time you do have together and try to do fun things together.

Mir - posted on 06/26/2012

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Hi Holly, ive been in your situation..maybe you can ask him to go to marriage counseling? If he doesnt want to go with you...you go by yourself. It helps me alot. Ill pray for you.

Holly - posted on 06/25/2012

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THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT! GINA I TOTALY KNOW WHERE YOUR COMING FROM BY SEEING OTHER FAMILIES OUT AND ABOUT. I LIVE ON A WELL WALKED ROAD AND IT'S REALLY HARD TO SEE FAMILIES TOGETHER AT NIGHT AND HERE IS MY DAUGHTER AND I SITTING AT THE DINNER TABLE JUST THE TWO OF US. YES I AGREE ON THE CONVERSATION TOO. WE JUST CAN'T TALK TO EACH OTHER ANYMORE. YOU PROBABLY WON'T BELIEVE THIS BUT WE GO CAMPING ABOUT EVERY 3 WEEKENDS. THE FUNNY THING IS HE'S USALLY SLEEPING IN THE CAMPER THE HOLE TIME WHILE MY DAUGHTER AND I ARE ONCE AGAIN ON OUR OWN. I REALIZE NIGHT SHIFT IS HARD BUT WE ARE NOT DOING IT TO SAVE ON DAYCARE SHE STILL GOES TO DAYCARE WHILE HE IS HOME DOING WHAT EVER HE WANTS. USALLY IT'S RUNNING HERE AND THERE, NOT SLEEPING. IS IT WRONG OF ME JUST TO GIVE HIM A CHOICE IT'S ME AND HIS DAUGHTER OR THE NIGHT SHIFT?

Gina - posted on 06/25/2012

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I hear you! we are going through the same issue, he actually works in the day then when he gets home it's time for me to get to work. We have a 2.5 year old toddler and yes we are trying to avoid having to put him through a daycare situation. I feel like I'm a single mom on days when he works 12 hour shifts on weekends and/or holidays and I see other families out and about and it's just me and my son. I have noticed that we argue alot as well, it's like we can't carry a conversation without one of us snapping (usually he get an attitude and I retaliate) I guess it's sort of a burn out phase. The other day we managed to agree that we need to get away on a mini vacation, at least go camping over the weekend or to the lake, just to break the routine we've fallen into.
You guys probably need to plan something out as well and if you have friend or family who can babysit maybe go out on a date just the two of you because you need to reconnect as man and wife and see each other in a different light for a change. I know it's difficult, I have my days when I just feel so lonely and empty I wish I could find an answer but apparently there's no easy marriage, and balancing a baby and a husband is easier said than done.

Amy - posted on 06/24/2012

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I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this. My husband and I did this for 6 years, he recently lost his job. My husband though was/is the primary caregiver during the day, we chose to do it so we didn't have to do daycare. Most times it felt like we were single parents and there were times when I was frustrated with him for his lack of helping around the house but he has always been very much involved in helping with the kids. Have you tried talking to him about when your emotions aren't so high? I get wanting time to himself but to not want to play with his daughter seems crazy to me. I guess you need to weigh out whether this is how you want to raise your daughter, good luck.

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