My 15 year old daughter always has to talk back or have the last word. Need your advice????

Claudia - posted on 06/17/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have 3 kids. I am a stay home, (unemployed) single mom. My daughter is 15 1/2 and will be a sophmore this coming year. It seems like every conversation becomes an argument and she is always mouthing off. Sometimes I feel like I'm the daughter and she is the mother. It's gotten to the point that she mouth's off no matter where we are or who is around us. I've learned to be very blunt with her and I tend to tell her to shut up all the time. She thinks that she can have all the freedom in the world and always wants to be at her friends house. I have to admit I let her go alot of the times, just so I don't have to deal with her mouth. That is wrong. She always tries to minipulate the situatiion. Which she gets that from her father. How do I become firm and not have to deal with her b.s. I use to think that I had issues with her because I was a working mom and I was always on the go. Well I've been a stay home mom now for a year in a half. Which I feel is needed with a 15 year old that thinks she's 20. she's never wrong and when I go to give her advice she get's very defensive.

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My 16 yr old daughter has taught me more about myself than I could ever possibly have taught her about anything. All relationships are mirrors of the self and this one is no different. This is my humble recommendation - LET GO! Take a step back, get off somewhere alone (when the kids are at school or whatever) and look inside yourself. All the answers to what you seek are there. I sense you have alot of unforgiveness towards yourself for your own past behavior (perhaps during your own teenage hell years) and are unconsciously projecting this unto your daughter. Try to gain some perspective. Realize that if YOU are conflicted within (inside), you must and will experience conflict without (outside). You two are locked in a power struggle that you are both determined to win. But at what cost? There is nothing "wrong" with your daughter; neither is there anything "wrong" with you. All that's happening is that the Universe is trying to show YOU (not her) where you need healing. If you continue to blame her for your unhappiness and frustration, you run the risk of a permanent breakdown of this precious relationship. She is not responsible for your happiness - you are. She is on her own spiritual journey. I know how hard it must be for you to watch this child that was so totally dependent on you grow up and find her place in this world. She's at that age where she is much more powerfully guided from within than from you. Maybe this is what rebellion is all about. Just let her know you now and always are there if/when she needs you and give her space. And ask yourself what difference it makes if she has the last word? Is that going to kill you?



Go into a quite place and ask your higher power to show you what all that is happening to you means. What is it for? (Trust me, it's for your good!) You also mentioned you have a similar problem with your husband. This is not a coincidence. You are drawing people into your life experience who have this same trait. Why? Do you talk back to and manipulate others? Were you dis-empowered and told to "shut up" as a child? Remember, we become what we behold. I do sympathize and know what you are going through. It took two years of great pain and alot of soul searching for me the gain the relationship I have with my girl today. It was not easy, but it was necessary. Once I gained the insights needed for my own healing, most of the struggles we had miraculously vanished. Sweetheart, it's always about YOU, never anyone else. I say this not for you to blame yourself but for you to begin the inner healing work. As I said earlier, life is one big mirror reflecting back ourselves. Have faith, trust your inner guide and always remember, this too shall pass!

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4 Comments

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Becky - posted on 06/18/2009

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Hi Claudia, my son is only 8 months old, but I think I would have to agree with all the lovely ladies below. Let her have the last word, what will that win? Also - I am currently reading a book called "Children the Challenge" - it is very interesting so far. If she wants to have the last word, let her, you don't actually lose anything and it costs you less energy.

Lori - posted on 06/18/2009

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I have a 16 year old and a 12 year old son. They are big with talking back. I dont feed into it, it is an attention seeking ploy and when they start I just walk away. I dont feel that I have to argue nor do I think that I should have to put up with that abuse. And I have found out that they realize that they crossed the line and that I will not listen to it and the attitude changes very surprisingly quickly. put the ball in their court and make them realize that you are an adult and they are starting to be adults and if they want to be treated as an equal they have to act towards you as an equal. Good Luck and I hope this helps

Marlène - posted on 06/17/2009

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That's pretty normal for a teenager. Don't you remember how it felt like for you ? Anyway, there are several ideas that could help you through :

1) when she tries to have the last word, she trying to draw your attention. Most of the time, it's to try to clear an emotion behind the argument. She heard something that make her think it's right and she wants to test this idea on you. If you react, that will mean to her that it was true. So when she's starting to argue, have her think again by asking questions. DON'T answer her question or her teasing directly. Answer by asking questions. I know it's tough and they seam to have all the answers... but if you make her rethink on a specific topic, she might change her mind by herself.



2) allow specific moments during the day or the week (depending on your schedule) for discussion. You say that she wants the last word so that mean at least she's talking to you. But you also say that she is manipulative. So set some rules and stick to it (easier said than done but worth it). You are open to discuss any matter at that moment. Any other moment, you can hear what she says but you're not discussing it. You say calmly. I want to think about what you said and we will discuss it later.



3) basic non violent communication : start all you sentences with I (I think, I hope that, I want you to,....) and be honest about your feelings (ex. I must say that when you talk to me like that, it hurts. Is it really what you want to achieve ?) and when you ask something, give her the respect you want her to give back by using please and thank you. It's amazing how those three words can make wonders. Sometime it take a little time to kick in but it's worth it.

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