My 18 year old just told me he's going to be a father

Shari - posted on 01/31/2013 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I am so depressed. He's still such a child himself. Very immature. Got a 16 year old girl pregnant. I'm just sick about it.

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Deanna - posted on 02/12/2013

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As parents we have to watch our children fail and succeed. Or job is not to judge, but to support. I can't tell you what to do, but I can offer suggestions. Ask him what he wants to do. Do YOU want to be in the child's life?

Jessi - posted on 02/05/2013

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It could be worse. I got pregnant at 16, and because my family and the father's family was so supportive and helpful in taking care of my son I was able to finish high school and college. Now, 12 years later I'm married (although not to the father of my son) and expecting my second child on July. His father and I remained friendly and we even have outings and trips with both families and the combined kids (he has two now with his wife). I know this is tough, but it's not life ending. It won't be all sunshine and kittens, and I won't pretend like things were not ugly between me and the father for about two or three years after my son was born, but it all worked out in the end.

Lauren - posted on 02/14/2013

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I had a similar experience to Jen below. One of my closest family friends when I was pregnant at 18 (a fluke one-time thing with my now husband) alluded to an abortion. Though I never even considered it an option, it was hurtful. My dad shared a story with me, "When your mom and I had just gotten married [my mom found out she was pregnant with me the day he proposed ... one-time flukes run in our family[, and I didn't know how we'd make ends meet, I questioned, 'If something were to happen to the baby, things would be easier.' And I've hated myself ever since for even considering those beliefs."

Though my dad was talking about me, this was a gratifying conversation. Being very pro-life, I still had those same thoughts, and though I knew he was disappointed in me, it proved that love knows no bounds. I knew my parents were disappointed, and sometimes (I'm 26 now), I still feel a bit upset about how things happened, but I now have a husband (the father) and two beautiful children to love.

Whether your son and his girlfriend keep this child or allow another family to adopt, this baby is love. It is a beautiful gift. You don't have to hide from your son that you are upset, but as one of my friend's mom's told me when my friend had started getting into drugs, "I'd take a beautiful baby any day over this. This has the potential to kill my daughter, and a baby is love and life."

My advice based on the respect and care I am so grateful to have had from my parents ... be upset, be angry, be confused, and your son can know that. But also look at him and tell him you love him and that life will go on. Remind him that he has a responsibility to support his girlfriend through this process and that this baby will be a part of his life forever--especially if they do an open adoption or keep the baby. But tell him that it's the greatest gift you ever received, and you know that as long as he works hard, he will be a great father. He needs to accept responsibility and work hard, but he also needs to be reminded how to love ... that's the greatest gift you can keep giving him so he gives it to this or future children!

I'll be praying for you!

Laurels - posted on 02/13/2013

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Dear Mom,

Life is about choices. Sometimes we don't like the choices others make...but it is a part of life. I'm going to take a different approach to this topic and I hope that I don't offend anyone by doing so. But let's think more about the unborn child....what is in the best interest of he/she?

My birth mother was 16 and very immature as the records state..and little to nothing is said about him. My birth father was 18 when I was conceived. Both from large families...so families are important. But through the wisdom of the adults....I was put up for adoption. She got to pick the type of family and home life she wanted me to have.

I have no doubt that my maternal grandmother probably thought often of me....I hope my birth mother thought of me at least on my birthday....but I hope she had a better life. I hope she had the things she wanted. I hope she got an education. I hope she married and had other children. I hope God blessed her for her sacrifice....because I was blessed.

But what a life I have had. I was loved, I respect my birthmother for giving me life...but she gave me a life she wouldn't have been able to give. I had many opportunities. My dad is absolutely the best person for me. My mom and I had so much fun together.....and I was wanted....I was wanted. There were no issues on my back....of "I had you so I couldn't do....this, this or this." I was issue free! In fact, I look so much like my dad's sister - who would have known! What a match! And I have had so many great aunts and uncles tell me this family is blessed...that they got me.

My heartfelt thoughts are with you. I'm sure your son will have other children. I hope everyone makes the best decision for this child. Unlike my day when adoption was *closed* theirs would be *open* and they would know more.

On a side note, there was only 1 adopted child in our extended family when I was adopted. Since then, I'm excited to say that we have over 10 adopted children with my cousins and some of their children. Adoption isn't a bad word in our family...we embrace it as a blessing for all! Please share my message with your son.

I wish you the best and may God's tender mercies soften your heart through this process.

Vanessa - posted on 02/10/2013

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Shari,

I am so very sorry. I know you'll love that baby, but it's so very hard to accept that we can't always fix the consequences of mistakes our children make.

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User - posted on 02/14/2013

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I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I wish you could turn back the clock and prevent it. Telling him now he was stupid or immature doesn't fix the problem.

For now, all you can do is be there for your son and this girl. You need to talk to them (and her parents) and find out what their thoughts/plans are. Try to discuss rationally the options and understand that their choices may not be the ones you'd make. If you push to hard, you might lose your son.

Call in a professional to talk to you and them (planned parenthood maybe) who can talk about all the options, adoption, abortion, raising the baby etc. Unless the pregnancy is very well progressed, there is no reason for them to make a fast decision.

Marian - posted on 02/14/2013

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As a Mom of a boy, this is one of the things I fear, as I think about his future. I can only imagine the range of emotions you are feeling. But this isn't really about you. You son is now faced with a huge responsibility, whether he was ready for it or not. Your role as Mom can be to support him in the decisions that he needs to make, be there to provide a listening ear, and provide advice when asked. Your son and his girlfriend will need space to find their way, but also a strong support system to help them through the difficult stuff. I'm almost 37 years old, and there are days that parenting is very hard. I am thankful for amount of life experience I have to make decisions for my son and our family. Your son will need to lean on you and your life experience to help him. You will be okay, your son will be okay. Once you get over that initial shock, you can start getting excited about that precious little baby on it's way to your loving arms. Congratulations!

Carrie - posted on 02/05/2013

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Something similar happened to someone I work with. Now she loves her little grand-daughter (who is now 5 years old) so much. She gets to have her at her house frequently to give the mom a break. Her son and the girl didn't stay together and the grandma is more involved than the dad, but it has been a blessing for her.

Dolores M - posted on 02/05/2013

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Grieve over his lost youth...and support and love him...Not much you can do.

Jen - posted on 02/05/2013

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When I got pregnant at 18 my dad said to me "You're not the first person to get pregnant too young, you won't be the last, and I guess we are getting a baby to love" Best thing I ever heard :) The deed is done and no amount of coulda shoulda woulda is going to change it, all you can do is go from here. Good luck!!

Lori - posted on 02/05/2013

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The baby comes first and deserves a chance. Regardless of whatever the "children" decide to do, you need to understand that there are millions of women who, for one reason or another, would so love to adopt that little baby. If that were me, I'd take care of the baby myself because I know that teenagers aren't ready for this. Maybe one day they will be.

Whatever you do, be supportive and think of that baby first.

Lori - Mother of an adopted 11 year-old boy

Margaret - posted on 02/03/2013

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I suppose it all comes down to what you believe. There is a new life created that was not planned. I have two teenage boys and know that stuff happens, although I do not agree in sex out side marriage, life does not always work out how we want it. Aren't you glad he told you, it would have been awful to find out years later. This is what family is all about. You need to sit down and find out what the parents to be want to do. It is their life and their baby, even if they are babies. Family kicks in here as you share, advise and support each other through the decisions that are being made both the bad and the good. He is 18, effectively an adult...let him be one but be there to support him. Do not let him not be responsible for the situation. It is one of those bumps in life when we choose to do it 'our' way or the 'hard' way knowing all about the consequences but choosing to do it anyway. Character building but hard.

Ali - posted on 02/01/2013

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Hey Shari, I am only 17 and a mother to be. Trust me, I know this will sound crazy, but this could be a good thing. It will give your son and his girlfriend(?) a reason to mature and figure out what they want out of life and it will force them to realize that life is hard and that you were right! Myself, I have become very close to my mom because despite her being very disappointed in me, she supported me.
I know it is hard to do, but give it a try. Your son will appreciate it.

Patti - posted on 02/01/2013

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can't change it, just hold your heaad up high and enjoy. No sense in getting all worked up about it. It's here to stay... Good Luck

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