My mom makes me feel guilty about going to work

Tracy - posted on 03/14/2011

Geez - could she be any less helpful to you? Instead of b*tching about it, why doesn't she help you out with money so you can quit one of your three jobs? Does she have a better idea as to how you support him? If she can't do either, then she ought to keep her opinions (and guilt trips) to herself.

Dee - posted on 03/14/2011

You are doing the best you can and I praise you for it. And if it doesn't kill you to work nights keep doing so that way you are not missing out on anything. Unfortunately now adays it costs more money to make the world go round so we have no choice but to work and you have found a way which works for you. Your mother shoud be proud of your accomplishments, and you should let her know how you feel.

Pam - posted on 03/11/2011

You are a wonderful Mommy. You have put your child first and are doing the best you can. Your mom is a saint that she will help you and watch him for you and it will come back to her ten-fold because of the wonderful connection she will have with her grandson. I agree with above poster about going back to school if that appeals to you because then your destiny is in your hands. Good luck to you, and God Bless.

Mommy - posted on 03/09/2011

I understand what you mean completely. I recently finished a parenting book. I let my mother read it and she felt somewhat how your mother does. I am quite comfortable in the decisions I made. Here is one portion that may help you as well your mom.

Back To The Daily Grind

So how do you go back to work the same as before? You don’t. You still have to get there on time, do your work better than before, stay awake, try not to feel guilty because you have to take your child to the babysitters, don’t call the babysitter a 100 times a day, and thousands more incidentals you may never have even thought about.

Knowing you are a single parent what rules do you need to pass on to the babysitter or daycare center?

One of the rules I had was that she was NOT to be held all day. When you are single and have things to do you don’t want a crying baby stressing you out. I never understood people who said “I can’t work because the baby needs me to hold them for hours.” I didn’t see that rule in the Lamaze class or in any parenting book I purchased. ****Did I feel guilty if I wasn’t holding her 24 hours a day? Not in the least. I love my child, I held her and played with her, bathed her, took care of her when sick, but I still had things to do for us to live. Clothes don’t wash themselves, meals don’t prepare themselves, and I hate a dirty home and just because you have a child is not a reason for a home to be untidy. If anything, it should be neater after the baby.****



One thing I asked my mother made her look at it differently. Before my parents divorced, my mother was the primary parent. My strongest memories of events like the first time I got sick my mother was there, up all night with a fever my mother was there, school nurse calls for a parent to come pick me up it was my mother who came, supervised everything from playdates to volunteering for class trips, it was my mother who did these things, She worked because she needed to. Class trips cost money, school pictures cost money, there were times we would like to visit an amusement park with their high admission fees.

She made a point of never asking family members because she felt they would look down on her. My question to her was what made her think she was not a single parent. My father was not all bad but he definitely did not equally handle all the things with running a house and children.

My mother had me at 17 I had my first at 30. Different times and different maturity levels. Cost of living back then and now are no where near close. Becoming a parent was my greatest thing I have ever done. I do a tremendous amount of things, that I should do. I feed, clothe, play with, teach, talk to, prepare for her future, give life lessons, pray that all the things I am doing will make my daughter feel no less than anyone who grew up with an at home mom. Mom is a Mom who works in the home or outside the home in an office. There are NOT two levels of Mom. You could not tell who worked outside the home if you saw me and my best friend who stays at home. We are both Moms. She is proud of me and my daughter, and I am proud of her and how her and her husband are raising her children. When I signed the birth certificate I was saying from that point on I would do all I could to fulfill my new role as Mom. Best contract I ever signed!


You are Mom. Wear the title proudly and let no one bring you down. I read other post where stay at home moms felt put down, they should not either. We all belong to the best sorority in the world, and in every country, in every language they call us the same thing. MOM.

Olga - posted on 03/07/2011

I have been working since Ellie was 5 months old ( she is now 21 months) - and whilst I would love to be at home with her it just isn't possible at this point. I think that you need to do what you need to do - you know what is best for your family. It is obvious you care for your son and you are doing what you have to do right now. Have you ever considered moving in with your mom and maybe ditching one of your evening jobs? Insomnia or not, you need your down time too.

Tana - posted on 03/07/2011

There is so much more to GOOD childcare. I volunteer in my daughter's kindergarden class and you can immediatly tell the kids who have had well rounded care, whether it is family or professional. The key is are they getting age appropriate learning ( directed play), physical activity AND socialization. Don't sweat it once you find that daycare situation that you are comfortable with. I would love to be a SAHM, but I don't believe my kids would be as well adjusted as they are if they spent 24/7 with me - I am not a professional caregiver.

Natasha - posted on 03/07/2011

I don't see how it's bad that you're supporting your child the best way you can. Plus, he's sleeping while you're gone and he gets to have you during the day. The next time your mom starts on you about staying home more with your son, I suggest you ask her to pay your rent so you wouldn't have a problem staying home with your son all night long.

Margaret - posted on 03/07/2011

Sounds like you're doing what a Mother should do - support her child, even on your OWN...I'm sorry for your circumstances, but it seems like U can hold your own by doing what you're doing. Your Mom can either be supportive, encouraging, and loving, or, she can step aside w/ her judgment and criticism of how you're raising her grandson. Maybe you should have a friend / neighbor watch your son instead of your Mom? If your Mom's the ONLY nighttime care option you have right now, then you need to speak to her about how she makes YOU feel when she makes her condescending and patronizing comments. I'm sure your Mom's concerned about you AND your son, but her comments are misleading if that's how she really feels. She could also be angry w/ the choices that you made w/ your son's father, your lifestyle, etc., whatever.....I'm a SAHM Mom, and I do NOT judge ANY Mother who either "has" to work or "wants" to work to help support her family, married, single, etc. Life is difficult enough as it is, and to have immediate family diss you constantly doesn't fly too well w/ me. I applaud you for working as hard as you do for yourself AND your son.

Either your Mom gets a clue and just keeps her mouth shut, or you need a new caretaker - bottom line, your son is 2 yrs old and on a HUGE brink of verbal and cognitive development, and when he watches U and your Mom interact, especially when it's negative, he's not stupid - don't underestimate what he's thinking or feeling, and, do NOT be surprised at all by his behavior in the near future as a result of you and your Mom fighting.

Mommy does what she has to, it's about the child's needs, and it seems like you're taking care of business. If you Mom was MY Mom, it'd be a wrap if she dissed ME like that.

Good luck, God bless :)

Jess - posted on 03/07/2011

i'm sorry... wait a second. you stay home with your son during the hours that he is awake and work when he's asleep. in your child's eyes (which in my opinion are the only ones that matter here), you are with him at least 75% of the time. tell your mom to stuff it unless she is willing for you BOTH to move in with her.

Christina - posted on 03/06/2011

Sounds like you're spending a lot of time with your son. Try just sitting down with your mom and letting her know that those comments make you feel bad. She might not even realize that the comments upset you. Maybe she's feeling unappreciated for her role in her grandson's life and is just fishing for a thank you. I don't have the same situation but my mother-in-law occasionally makes me feel guilty for working and not being a stay-at-home mom like she was. Times are different now and we even have two incomes. You are doing the best you can and I'm sure you're a wonderful mother. Just talk with your mom before the resentment for her comments builds up to a breaking point. Good luck!

Sylvia - posted on 03/06/2011

I dunno, would she rather you both moved in with her? o_O

It sounds to me like you're doing the best you can -- you probably spend as much time with your son as most SAHMs, and how on earth does your mom expect you to support yourself and him *without* working? Especially with the economy the way it is right now.

It also sounds like you need to give yourself more options, though. What if one day your mom stops being willing to be your son's caregiver? If there's any way you could start studying for a career that would allow you to support yourselves with just one job ... For example, if you got an ECE credential, could you earn more caring for other kids and still keep him with you?

Beck - posted on 03/06/2011

It sounds like you are doing the best you can. my eldest daughter has been in day care since she was 7 months old and has loved every minute of it. my mum has both my girls on average twice a week and it has done my youngest wonders as for a long time i couldnt even go to the bathroom without her. im sure you working at night is not causing any problems for your child. Just keep re minding yourself that you are douing the best job you can

Reeva - posted on 03/05/2011

With the state of the economy right now you cant really afford to be picky when it comes to working.i applaud you for working 3 jobs to give your son more opportunities because thats what its all about right giving them more choices in life.

I work full-time and have my 2 children in daycare (2yrs 9 months and 7 months) I am able to stay home if I choose and receive the sole parent benefit but I choose not too as it is to financially restricting. I want the best for my kids and I want to be able to introduce them to new life experiences such as dancing swimming etc.

I do have family support so I get to spend one on one time with my children and do special activities with them, I fully appreciate every moment I have with my babies and still get to experience every milestone with them. My mother raised me and by two siblings on a the benefit and I could never participate in extra curriculum activities or school camps because there was only enough money to clothe and feed us. My parents did the best they could for us but I can still remember how it felt to still have to attend school while the rest of my class was away at camp. Not something i want my own children to experience if I have a choice about it

Renae - posted on 03/05/2011

Its absolutely not bad at all! He probably barely knows you're gone! You are with him all day, what more does she want. I leave my baby in care 3 days a week, one of those days is with my mother and she is always making comments about how she never put me in care she took me to work with her. Well good on her but I remember being dragged to work full-time, it sucked, it wasn't stimulating at all, I would have been better off in a daycare. Mum doesnt think I should leave my son more than 5 hours and tells me that he misses me and its not good for him to be away from me for so long. It really irritates me. I have to work. If I could stay home all day I would but its not an option right now we have 2 businesses that need to keep running. I think you are doing an awesome job. You have found a way to stay home with him and work, that is so great, your mum needs to see how hard you are working and stop being critical (as does mine!). :)

Treva - posted on 02/28/2011

Yes, it would be better for your mom and for your son if you worked a full-time day job, but if that's the only job you can get, you can only do what you can.

What would you do if your mother is not around? You have to be thinking about ways to change your situation. You can't go on bartending nights indefinitely. To quiet your mom, just let her know that you do understand her concerns and you are looking for another job, but for now this is what you have to deal with and you appreciate her being there for Dauston (even if she is a pain the *** to you)! Keep the word out that you're looking for a job. It can work better than the classifieds.

Heather - posted on 02/28/2011

I think you are doing the best you can. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing but I think in the long run you will get burned out. I think Lisa gave you some excellent advice. Also you may need to sit down with your mom and have a long talk. Let her know you are doing your best and you need her help more than ever, not her to nag, nag, nag you to death which could strain your relationship with her.

My mom watched my twins when I went back to work 1 day a week and only watched them for a total of 12 times. She quit on me when I thought I was going to lose my sitter. Nice mom, huh? Since then she has watched them a few times and bitches everytime about something wether it be one was being fussy, one cried more than usual, one spit up more than usual or the fact that she couldn't get any house work done. Because of her actions I don't even bother with her any more. She has made it so I can't even stand her anymore. Oh plus it doesn't help that she use to call and want to come and visit while I was pregnant but since the twins have come she has only been to my house once in 14 months and that was to babysit which she bitched about because I asked her to sit at my place and not hers.

Sorry for the rant. All in all I think your mom just needs a better understanding of where you are coming from. Also I think the father of your son needs to be brought to court and ordered to pay more child support. $18+ per week is not enough money to feed, clothe, diaper and provide any other necessities a 2 yo might need.

Elaina - posted on 02/28/2011

I see no problem with this at all.. if your mom doesn't want to help you, maybe you can find another babysitter for the nights you work... or at least some of them... my mom kind of does the same thing.. if she has my daughter for an hour she complains that she's had her the whole day.. its annoying, but what are moms for? lol

Lisa - posted on 02/28/2011

Sounds to me like you are doing the best you can. I do have a suggestion, though, why don't you go back to school and a get a degree so you can get a higher paying job by the time your son goes to school. That way you won't have to worry about money as much but you don't miss his early years either.
I work full time and have a 3 year old. I hear it from my mom non-stop about not working, but it is life. I have a good job and so does my husband so money is not an issue for us. I am lucky to be able to use vacation time to spend extra time with my daughter when I want too.
I think you are doing a good thing working at night. That way you can be with him, when he is awake. It is not like you can spend quality time together when you are both sleeping.
Know that you are doing the best for your little one. If you heart tells that you are a good mom then you are.
If you are interested in going to college, let me know and I would be happy to walk you through the financial aid process. As a single mom, you can get almost a free ride for college based on grants and scholarships. That would help you in the future.
Good luck. I hope I helped a little. :0)