My stepdaugher was raped 5 years ago, what do I do?

Rachel - posted on 12/12/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My stepdaughter, aged 15, just told me over the weekend that she was raped at age 10. She apparently went to a sleep-over birthday party and the girl's uncle was the one who raped her. She is adamant that she doesn't want to tell anyone else, especially not her mother because her mother was also raped as a child at age 15. My stepdaughter was a product of that rape. I want to help her as much as I can....I wish she would tell her mom and dad, because this monster needs to be found and brought to justice....but she doesn't want to tell them, and made me promise not to tell them either. It is tearing me up inside to know that she went through this and is still harboring this secret from just about everyone in her life that loves her....everyone but me, that is.

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Sarah - posted on 05/03/2017

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Melissa, you may want to start your own thread as this one is quite old. Aside from being there to support your daughter in her decision, there is not much to be done. What would be truly sad is if other girls have been assaulted over the years.

Melissa - posted on 05/01/2017

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My daughter who is now 21 , just told me she was raped when she was 7. It happened at the house we liced in by a man that was over for a party. I confronted him today and he said that it's not true and he would take a lie detector test. I showed my daughter pictures of people it could be and she said it was him . I called the police to see what I could do but unless my daughter makes a statement there is nothing that can be done. My daughter said she doesn't want to talk because it was so long ago. Anyone have any advice?

Shaz - posted on 01/05/2012

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now that shes let it out to someone...she's going to start letting out the anger and the the sadness and everything else. She's going to need you and lean on you because she trusts you.
She's NEVER going to be able to move on until she has gone through the emotions and has done something about it. If thats going to the police thats her choice.... its one i would encourage but still her choice... Telling her parents and the aunt (however SOME spouses know but dont want to know if u know what i mean already so...), NEEDS to happen. Just keep re assuring her it wasnt her fault and take her to places she can let go of her emotions, Some places let abuse kids including teenagers break plates in a smash pit, take her to a forrest with a baseball bat and let her take it out on a tree, anything constructive. Theres conversations she is going to need to have with certain people whoever that may be.... over and over again.... and it needs to happen for her to let it go.
counselling is not for everyone and the kid needs to trust the person they are talking to and needs to feel that person cares and is listening. Some are better than others. NOT ALL expensive ones are any good. but get a few to talk to her on the phone and let her decide. She will know which is the right one, if theres one. Mabey you could speak to someone who can help you help her

Rachel - posted on 12/14/2011

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Thank you both for your replies. I do intend on speaking with her about it some more and encouraging her to not only tell her parents, but to tell the police as well. I told her I would be right there with her as she told them if she would like. I am not going to press her over the holidays though. Once the new year starts I am going to sit with her some more and gently suggest that we together tell her parents. I think she will see that telling the police ultimately is the right thing to do. I just don't want to rush her into it...she just finally told someone after 5 years after all. I think if she sees that she can trust me with her secret, she may be more open to telling the authorities. She is a beautiful, smart, amazing kid who I know will see why telling the police is the right thing to do. She wouldn't want the same thing happening to others. I too believe she is asking for help, whether she knows it or not right now. I just don't want her to have to focus on it over the holidays, because her life is going to forever change once everyone knows.

Tracy - posted on 12/14/2011

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When people tell of being raped; they are asking for help. You need to contact the police. Find out who the man is and where he lives. She is asking for your help. Doing nothing but keeping her secret is not helping her. You also should help her to tell her parents. Tell her you'll sit with her as she tells them to show your support. The secret was too much for her to keep to herself any longer and it's a good sign that she opened up to you. Do right by her and help her to see this through. If she doesn't do anything to have this man penalized she won't be able to move on with her life in a healthy manner. We tell kids that if a friend tells them in confidence of something horrible that happened to them that they should tell an adult they trust. Even if sworn to secrecy. Why should it be any different if the child tells an adult?

Rina - posted on 12/14/2011

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Hi Rachel, at this stage you will have to respect her wishes to keep it from her mom and dad. But if I were you don't leave it there. There is a reason why she told you after 5 years. She must have your trust and that means a lot. Keep it and treasure it but use it to work on this problem going forward. You will have to let her guide you for now but make her understand that this monster is doing to other girls her age maybe youger as well and if she breaks the silence he can be stopped! Stay strong and keep us posted please!

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