Need Motivation - where did the fun go?

Cherie - posted on 12/02/2010 ( 23 moms have responded )

9

9

0

I have a full time job, 2 side companies, a fiance and a 17 year old daughter. I can't stomach my full time job, hence the other companies. But I don't see me quitting anytime soon. My daughter and I are finally getting along (after 3 years of hell) and she is going to college next fall. I have committed to paying at least her first year but am barely making ends meet now. The ex husband is useless and the fiance is no fiancial help. How do you stay positive? I feel the fun is gone out of life and I'm only on the treadmill with no end in site. And I have no friends in my single parent situation so advice they give me is so off. ARRRGGGGGHHHHH!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Carole - posted on 12/09/2010

33

8

0

I hear you sister! My husband lost his job almst a year ago and decided to go back to school fulltime instead of getting another job . . .(he already has two degrees, but that's not enough) - I have a great job that does help to keep us afloat, (barely), but I have a tremendous amount of stress. I also have been working two jobs, (my primary job M-F and working for a catering company on the weekends which usually involves 10-12 hour days) - to make sure that our health insurance is paid and our daughter's life is affected as little as possible. I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed . . .
I have found it best to find at least a few hours a week for yourself. I work out three days a week with a personal trainer, I go to lunch with my girlfriends at least twice a month and I work very hard on not being bitter and angry with my husband for his choices.
I feel a little abandoned in life right now. But, it is my responsibility to make sure that I don't lose my ability to dream, plan and look forward! I know that this too will pass, and someday it will be my turn!
I have three grown children, and one 12 year old . . .so I have been there too. College can be very expensive - ask your daughter to be realistic in her expectations. If there is an option of staying close and living at home, do it. Ask her to consider a JC for the first two years and transfer to University for her Jr. and Sr. years - check into all options for grants and aide - and ask her to contribute by getting a parttime job. With good time management, school and work can be accomplished. My daughter worked as a waitress the entire time she was in school and still managed to graduate with honors! My son also worked through college, he worked all Summer, livedat home and saved every dime so that he didn't have to work during the winter and could just go to school.
Bottom line, you are close to the finish line where your life will soon be yours again! Stay positive by focusing on what is good in life.
Good Luck . . .

Cheri' - posted on 12/08/2010

53

43

0

i am a hairdresser so i see tons of different people and they talk about college for their kids and the best advice alot of them can give is "you can get loans for college, you cant get loans for retirement!" give her what you can, and dont feel guilty that you cant give her more.. college is expensive thats why they created loans. she will be making money on her own in 4 years, she will be able to afford to pay for them. plus she can build credit which will help her out in the long run!

Maggie - posted on 12/10/2010

818

24

47

Maybe instead of running two side companies you should look for a full time job you will enjoy. Either that or put all your extra energy into ONE company. Nothing is getting your full attention right now and everything is suffering as a result. You might need to talk to your daughter about getting a student loan that you could help her pay off when she graduates instead of paying for college up front. Why isn't fiance any financial help? If he's not working then he needs to be helping you with your other companies or getting a job! Are you living together? He should be contributing to the bills. You are stressing yourself out with all these responsibilities! Step back and re-evaluate what's really important.

Beverly - posted on 12/04/2010

12

28

2

I think knowing you are not the only one struggling helps:) sad but I find it true!
Mate, I myseld know that life is like a rollercoaster it goes up then down and all over the place but I believe everything happens for a reason there is a lesson in everything good and bad, so take what is being thrown at you and learn from it, it will get easier (then something else will get thrown at you) but what doesn't kill you will make you a stronger woman.
Don't forget to breath, sit back and analyise things when your not feeling really emotional figure out what it is you need to learn from each aspect in your life.

If you can not afford to pay for your daughters education sit her down and tell her that you need to find another way to get her through school, cause if your already behind a year is a long time to be going behind constantly and will most likely break you:(
Children need to learn how to live without their parents full support, how do you think they become responsible adults? (that can handle money)

Fun comes in many forms even inexpensive ones:) if you have friends that make you feel great, invite them over for movie night and popcorn, if you don't have supportive friends think about (like really think) what makes you happy that you can do for yourself and do it!
Money can make or break a person so try contacting someone (a company) that specialises in debt consolidation or budgeting to help you figure out how to cope with finance.

Okay so I have written heaps but I tell you I haven't got it all worked out either but I try, and because I can't do everything I look for people who are good at different things to help me with all the stuff I am not so great at. If you don't have the support already go out and try to find it, because getting help from people can make life so much eaiser.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

23 Comments

View replies by

Lika - posted on 12/17/2010

159

19

0

Go have lunch with the girls. And if the fiance is no good, unless he is contributing another way, get rid of him too, you don't need to support him with a daughter getting ready for college. anyway, look in the mirror. You're beautiful, smart, ambitious, what's there not to be positive for? Plus you're getting along with your daughter.

Carly - posted on 12/16/2010

22

11

2

You have to start to pay attention to what YOU want. I know it seems hard with all your responsibilities but you have to ask yourself who are you doing all this for? If you are finding no pleasure or excitement in your life, you're the only one who can really change that. It may mean getting really honest with yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone, but usually when you take big risks, the magic is on the other side.
Best of luck to you!
Carly
www.balance-the-mother-load.com

Anita - posted on 12/16/2010

251

9

7

You poor thing. I have been in some dire situations myself and the things that keeps me positive are ( I know everyone says this but...) looking at all the positive things in life. I find reading about people in worse situations than me hel;ps too lol. Sounds like you need a holiday where you can forget about work and just concentrate on your family. If you don't want your fiance to go just have a girls weekend away. Try and do this at least once every few months. Otherwise you will start to regret everything.



Just one more thing.... WHY do you you need to pay for your daughters first year of college? I know you probably feel obliged to but it won't hurt if she put hersefl through. I put myself through University while working part time. It took me a few years but I did it. I told my mum I don't want her paying for it because I could see her struggling (she is a seamstress and was working from 7am to midnight just to put me through.. until I said enough was enough!). I am now a fully qualified Accountant with my own business. I also have a 1 year old and 2 year old. Good luck with everything :)

Kim - posted on 12/15/2010

11

3

0

I have been in your postion. In fact, I just left your position and am climbing out. Here is what I did. I made a list of ALL that I do. All of it - down to laundry, dishes... I then started to cross things off the list that I did HAVE to do. At the time the big ones were bill paying job, jobby, school, hubby, kids, chores (though I listed the whole list of these) and I asked what I needed, what I needed to live, out of this list. Bill paying job, well, I have to pay the bills (my hubby is in construction and is not the bill payor that is me though he contributes of course) so that stayed, jobby - well, I decided that if it was going to stay it would have to make it's own money and if it was meant to be, well I would conitune to make my goal without much effort on my part (needless to say that at this point it is making it's own money so it's still there, but only on the back burner and that time is spent enjoying it as free time again). Hubby, well he's the best one i have ever had and there have been two, so I think I will keep him...and I can't get rid of the kids! But I can delegate the chores, so that is what I did. I have a 3, 9 and 17yo so plenty of kids for chores, though I try not to have the 3yo do more than her room, but if the boys don't do their chores, she is right on them (chores and boys). That left school and though they tried to talk me out of it - I know I was at max capacity, so away it went.

The short of it? (Famous last words) You have too much on your plate - remove some and you will feel so much better. Now, I plan to go back to school to finish my degree and I will have to take some of the chores back as the kids go away, but for now, I fill my time with my children and my hubby. I spend time with my friends doing my jobby (which has turned back into a hobby that earns me some side money! :^) ) and I get into bed before 2 or 3 am now! But this was a conscious decision that I made. I chose me and my family rather than working and making money (though clearly I still do both) and I have started enjoying my full time job more as a result too...never thought I'd say THAT! :)

I hope this helps!
All the best!

Jennifer - posted on 12/14/2010

351

35

63

I'm on the treadmill too, and sometimes it's all in what you have in your iPod! I'm a single mom,but my daughter is 9. Making ends meet and feeling burnt out ALL THE TIME is exhausting. Being the breadwinner and mom and not having that time to unwind is so taxing, there is no money to do something for yourself, and then there is no time, And if for some reason money and time aren't an issue you feel guilty. I'm with you! But, you have to have a break before you break. I'm a single mom. And 10 years ago i was 17...I remember it well... Feel free to message me ANYTIME. I'll do my best. This kind of stress can lead to health problems so see if there isn't a way to re prioritize and make some changes. It'll be worth it.

Jennifer - posted on 12/12/2010

33

5

0

I feel your pain. I have an 18 yr old daughter and we had a rough couple years too. I also work outside of the home (do a couple side things) and have 3 other children. Have you filled out the FAFSA? I would highly recommend it. You will need to fill it out first quarter of next year for fall term. If you are financially in need she might be able to get some grants, work study, etc to help pay for school. My daughter is in her second term and we applied for financial aid. Take it day by day and keep on doing what you are doing. Don't give up. Everything will eventually come full circle and works out how it is supposed to. I know it is alot easier said then done though. Keep your chin up and don't get so down on yourself. A positive outlook, no matter how grim the situation may look, will take you far. www.imnotsuperwoman.com

Anastasia - posted on 12/11/2010

84

0

2

Hey, I was in similar situation and what I can say is – give up boring businesses and organize a fun one. Like I'm building a website for moms (btw lots of my users are single moms) right now. It's hard but it’s fun. I'm going to go back to work but this fun business will stay with me. I have two kids and on is really little, but when you like what you’re doing you can find time for that.

Tracy - posted on 12/11/2010

7

6

0

This is a tough one. I have been a single parent for some time, but I have 3 teenage girls. I have a son that is 30 as well, which helps me realize that all situations are only temporary. I work over-time and take on an additional job during the summer to have money for each school year. As my girls get older I hand over some of the load to them. My 17 has a part time job and my 16 started her first job yesterday. My oldest is also and A/B Student and the Middle daughter is a top athletic. With them working they can get all the fun things teenagers like and I can let go of the summer job. I work hard for them, but it only for a short while when you look at the big picture. We have fun watching movies at home, working out together and I love attending their sporting events. While the get joulous of my time with my boyfriend they get it. Just give yourself a break, treat yourself to something nice with your hard earned money. It will help, at least for the moment... from a peaceful and joyous mom...

Tangie - posted on 12/11/2010

1

3

0

I want to say don't worry about the college education. They Pell grants for her and scholarships out there. I have a 18 year who is graduating this year, and I don't have the money either, so we are applying to scholarships and pell grants for him. I have daughter in college and she applied to a community college. Now she is transfer to university. To handle all the stress and worries, I pray and focus on a hobby, school and mediate.

Veronica - posted on 12/10/2010

1,539

61

90

I completely agree with Carole. I don't have children that age - but im only ten years out of my mom's home. She was single also, and couldnt afford to put us through college - she managed to give us enough $$ to get a good start. We were able to get grants to pay for school, and then we took out loans that paid for our expenses,etc. We had our own apartment. After we got adjusted into school/apt. we had applications in and began to work.
I understand wanting to provide for your children, but with the prices and costs of everything this day and age, its just too expensive. I learned a lot living on my own and providing for myself - so I dont have any bad feelings towards my mom for not providing financially; this turned out to be better.

If you aren't happy in your current work/side jobs - I would really reconsider what and why you are doing it. And I would set out to research and find something different, something you do love doing. Not saying to give up and quit - just that there are sooo many opportunities that do give us the option to live financially sound, doing what we love.

Take care,
Veronica

Nikola - posted on 12/10/2010

5

17

0

It sounds like your doing a whole lot and maybe a little overwhelmed. Perhaps you may have forgotten how to have fun because your plate is full. Maybe hanging out with your daughter could be a start. A movie, the spa, a physical activity like indoor rock climbing. Not sure what you like, but plan it out and pick the person who's most important for you to spend time with.

Kirsty - posted on 12/10/2010

1

20

0

Cherie,

It sounds like you are really in pain right now. That feeling of being on the treadmill with no way off is really horrible. Man, you are working hard trying to keep it together, with three jobs, AND trying to maintain a good relationship with your partner and daughter! As Tah and Suzi mentioned, you have to find somewhere in there for you (even if it is only sitting down for a coffee for 10 minutes, with the intention of 'doing nothing'). It sounds difficult when you are caught up in 'doing' so many things to make ends meet but, as professional women, that is what happens to us so often. Our beautiful feminine energy (which allows us to create our best life) is about 'being', but so often we want to make everyone around us comfortable and happy, and it is usually at our own expense. If that has been going on for some time, it can be really tough to even imagine a way out.

My first question would be, "If the full time job AND two companies are not serving you right now, how can you change that? How can you alter your focus so that you CAN feel more focused, and start by getting the treadmill to slow down a little?"

If you would like to have a chat with me, please let me know and we can organise an appropriate time for both of us.

With love, Kirsty

Angie - posted on 12/07/2010

24

18

1

I don't know if you believe in God, but if you do, now is the time to turn to Him and tell Him how tired out and burned out you are. I'm promising you that when you lay it all out in it's nitty gritty to Someone who loves you so much, you will find peace. Spend time with Him and you'll be amazed.

[deleted account]

Not sure what advice to give but this. You do have a 17 year old and even though you have committed to paying for her first year old college SHE can get a job and help out with the cost of her college. SHE could also go to school part time and work full time to support herself and get her schooling at the same time. It sucks and is always easier for the parents to pay for schooling. (childs perspective) However, at 17 the child is legally an adult and can at the very least HELP to pay for their own schooling. As for hating your job I am sorry but the percentage of people who actually like their job is very small compared to the percentage of people that do like their job.

good luck and god bless

Amy - posted on 12/06/2010

1,761

18

248

I know how you feel, My husband is a SAHD. We just had a baby and I'm going to school for my MBA.

One thing I suggest is has your daughter applied for any Scholarships? By having her do so it can make a HUGE difference and it'll help her feel like she's contributing.

Overall you DO need some time for yourself, even if it's just a little bit here and there. Take a day for yourself to relax, maybe get a massage. If you do a day here and there it'll help you out and you don't need to find a permanent place in your schedule for it.

Tracy - posted on 12/06/2010

37

16

1

I'm not in your situation exactly - I am married, but my hubby is a SAHD. I TOTALLY feel like I'm on the treadmill, just like you mentioned. My job is decent and I am thus decently paid; but I don't LOVE what I do and it makes it hard to plod along and be happy about it, esp. when I know I do not have the option to quit.



I'd say you're working in the right direction with the two businesses. Focus on them as your way out. It may not happen overnight, but at least you have them already in the works. More than I can say for myself!

Suzi - posted on 12/05/2010

8

0

0

Cherie - Try taking it one step at a time - one day at a time. Find 10-15 minutes everyday - even before you fall asleep or first thing in the morning and just relax your mind. Meditation / visualization is good practice. I also listen to motivation CDs or MPSs on my work commute everyday. The commute is driving me crazy after 7 years...and CDs are helping me to stay focus and think positive thought. Hope you feel better.

Tah - posted on 12/03/2010

7,412

22

358

you make time for you..it's hard...may be darn near impossible, even if it is yoga twice a week..gym..a dance class..shoot..take an apple and sit on the beach....have a night out with the girls once a month. You have to get back to you because bills are always gonna be there...

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms