sahms needing help..

Tah - posted on 11/17/2010 ( 221 moms have responded )

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So i peruse the boards and i see alot of sahms complaining that they have to do everything, laundry, cook, keep the kids..etc, and that their husbands don't help alot. Like come home from work(the job that allows her to say home) and start picking up where she left off, Now i believe he should help, but i also think that if you choose to stay home than most of the responsibility of the house falls on you because it comes with being a sahm. What are your thoughts??



Should he come home and be able to relax after 10 or more hours of work?



or should he come home and pick up on all the chores etc also?



i mean she doesn't do his job, should he do hers, or is it 50/50 with the housework and then him providing 100% through his outside job???



Thoughts???

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Bridget - posted on 10/04/2011

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I am SHOCKED at the attuties of some people on this topic. A SAHM, with a husband who doesnt contribute, is "on" 24/7 while a man works 8-10 hours a day and then gets to come home and sit on his lazy butt? That is absurd to think thats how it *should* be.
I am a SAHM to 2 little girls, 2 years old and 6 months old. I also have a dog. My husband doesnt work, he is an MBA student and is literally busy at all waking hours. For this reason I am happy to do EVERYTHING. My only requests are that he take out the trash on his way out of the house and that he pick up after himself- he has a terrible habit of leaving his trash wherever it may fall and dishes all over the place.
It was a different story when he worked- My 2 year old is a terrible sleeper, and for well over a year I was EXHAUSTED. Still I have not gotten a full nights sleep in about 2 1/2 years. I took care of everything and when he came home I expected for him to help with our daughters. Play with them so I have time to make dinner, hand wash our dishes and pick up everything. I also expected him to help with bath time. And on weekends pitching in to keep thing clean was also expected. I looked at it like they are OUR kids, and OUR house and when we are both home we can both keep things going. Everything shouldnt fall on me 100%. Working less than 1/3 of the week, in terms of hours, is not a ticket to get out of familial and household responsibilities.

R - posted on 11/30/2010

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I'm so amused by this post and the conversation following it. Since my son was born almost 3 years ago we have had a variety of status of whom is working outside of the home. From me working full time and my husband working part-time out of the home and the other part in the home to us both working full time, then both of us worked 32 hours a week, to our present situation where he is working full time and 6 months of the year working 60 hours a week and I "stay at home" and go to graduate school. Everytime there has been a shift in our work situation the workload has shifted at home to fit appropriately. Also I think many stay at home mom’s are juggeling another responsibility that they are tasked with squeezing inbetween cleaning their home and caring for their children, such as me squeezing 20 hours worth of graduate school work into naps and after the children go to sleep.
Initially I found it much more difficult to stay home and keep up with everything than I had in the past when I was working or even on summer breaks (I’m a teacher.) When your “job” is the home, it is what you are doing all day long. I used to not mind staying up late to clean, now I am over organizing the laundry room at 11:00 at night. I have had to schedule time that I am not multi tasking around the house, as someone pointed out I stayed home because I wanted to be with my children, not be a housekeeper. I have found routines that have made keeping up routine. I also enjoy enriching my children’s lives, with many activities, if the choice is going to a play, taking in a concert or walking to the library or housework, my children’s enrichment always comes first.
I also think you need to think about the massive increase in housework, when your children are in your home more. Every time my 3 and 10 month old eat I get down on my hands and knees and clean the kitchen floor, when they were eating 1 meal and 2 snacks at school that happened a lot less. I remember coming home from daycare and playing in the basement for an hour and the amount of time that clean up took as opposed to now when there is a lot to clean up. In addition, I think everyone deserves the right to vent. Hasn’t work ever been overwhelming or doing the same task gotten monotonous? Yes, that happens to moms who stay at home.
I don’t think working mom’s should judge stay at home mom’s or vise versa. Both present their benefits and their challenges. I have loved all of my working, stay at home statuses, and look forward to continuing to find new ways to meet my family’s needs with my presence and financial contributions.

Carly - posted on 11/25/2010

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I believe there needs to be a balance. Just because SAHMS don't get paid, doesn't mean they're not working hard too. So while most of the housework does fall on your shoulders, I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask for help when you feel you need it. Otherwise, you can become angry and resentful which never helps the situation.

Carly
www.balance-the-mother-load.com

Kim - posted on 08/09/2011

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Agree that it's not a 50/50 gig. Hubby works 40+ hours per week. But I work...hmmm...how many hours are in a week minus the sleeping part? Do we start work at 8am and "get off" at 5pm? I dk how it is at your house but here at my house with 4 kids (since the oldest just moved out), I work the MINUTE I wake up until the MINUTE I go to bed (new moms, you are on a 24 hour cycle!). I also do 2 work from home jobs so I'm not lacking in the "busy" department. I agree that the MAJORITY of the responsibility is mine having chose this SAHM situation but I do expect that my husband help out around the house and with his own children. He can unload the dishwasher once in a while, change diapers, take out the trash and wipe some windows. We have a HUGE house with a HUGE yard and it's nearly impossible to keep up on my own, so yes, I do expect a little help since I don't get to "clock out" of my job until I fall asleep at night. And no, we don't hire people to pick up the slack. I do all of the cooking though! I try not to let him near the kitchen LOL.

Ashley - posted on 04/06/2012

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One more thing to think about is when do SAHM's clock out?? If u feel we should do all the house work, cooking, laundry, bathing kids, play dates, being the taxi, buying groceries, putting kids to bed (sometimes multiple times throughout the night) and my list could go on when should we clock out and put our feet up and watch tv? Being a parent means your are on the clock 24/7 and it should be a shared job in my eyes. I want my children to grow up seeing mommy and daddy working together to make our house run smooth. Sorry I'm ranting but this hit a nerve

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Angel - posted on 04/11/2012

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I am a SAHM. I do all the cleaning, cooking, etc. I take out the trash, the recycling, make sure bills get paid, grocery shop, kids get back and forth to school cause we have no bus service here, I handle all repairs for the house and the cars. My husband works 50 hrs a week plus travels for work when he is needed at another plant so I never know when he will be home or how long he will be gone. Plus when my husband is home and working he works 3rd shift but he makes it a point to get up and help the kids with homework while I am cooking dinner and getting it ready. He works a lot to provide for us so I make sure he has a clean house, clean clothes and food that is cooked for him. Although on his days off when he is home he does the cooking and cleaning not because I have asked him to but because he has enough respect for me as his wife and partner to do at least a little and give me a brake. Even if that means 1 day out of the week I don't have to do anything (usually a Saturday) I will take it and not complain at all. It has worked for us this way for years now. Our kids are 17 1/2, 14 1/2 and 10 1/2. All girls!!!!!! Although the girls have their own chores. They are to keep their room clean and they are big enough to do their own laundry. that is all they do. They have done their own laundry since they were each about 8 yrs old. If they help with dinner or other cleaning woo hoo thanks girls and if not that is ok to. they set the table for dinner because it is very important to us to have dinner as a family every night no matter what. Hope this helps but the biggest thing is RESPECT! for each other and what each of you do for the family.

Rhonda - posted on 04/10/2012

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Gabrielle, sounds like I wrote that post! I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and my SO has never once got up with either!!

Gabrielle - posted on 04/10/2012

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I would love for my husband to help out a little. He doesn't because he figures if I need help with the kids or whatever that I will ask. (i shouldn't have to ask. he is their father) but i don't like to ask him for help because he does work all day and he does earn the money so i figure the kids are my job. i have ALWAYS been the 1 to get up at night with the kids because i figure he needs the sleep more than i do because he has to get up early to go to work.

Danielle - posted on 04/10/2012

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I am a work at home mom and I have a 3 yr old and an infant. Yes my husband works a lot of hours outside the home. I do most of the housework around the house but when he comes home I expect him to not be lazy enough to mess up the house that I have spent hours on trying to keep clean. I expect him to come home and be a parent and pay attn to the kids and play with them. Parenting is and should be 50/50.

I will say I am lucky my husband knows how hard I work from home and also doing the daily duties of the house he doesn't complain often.

Raynell - posted on 04/09/2012

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I am a stay at home mom of a 7 month old and 6 year old and I do all of the cleaning and cooking. I don't mind it because my fiance works very hard and he has an on call job so he is in and out of the house all day long. However, I think the amount of work the working parent puts in at home should depend on the families situation. I have one child in school and my baby who is at an where he will sit and play by himself for a while (not to mention naps), so I can get most things done easily. But if a couple has a newborn or 2 or more children not yet in school,I think less should be expected of the stay at home parent and the working parent should be willing to help out more.

Jaren - posted on 04/06/2012

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I think most of the housework should be on a stay at home mom. However I do not think it means cleaning up after a husband that is a slob he should be able to take care of him messes. Not his laundry and major stuff just the little messes they make in the kitchen and bathroom. I think when a husband gets home from work he should be spending time with the kids since he is away at work missing out on that time where a sahm gets more time with the kids.

Ashley - posted on 04/06/2012

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I have to disagree with some of what you are saying I'm a SAHM but not bc I WONT work but bc my husband is able to support us on his income and prefers me to be home, also we have a 8yr old,2yr old,18month old and a 4 month old so it would not benefit our family for me to work. I would love to have a part time job but right now I'm needed at home. With that being said most days I'm lucky to brush my hair or get a shower bc my 3 youngest depend on me for pretty much everything, so I do feel that my husband and also their father can help when he is off work (meaning didn't have to work that day) not meaning come he and do what you call my "job". I like to think of my "job description" as a day care provider, taxi cab, short order cook, and to make sure my children are happy,healthy & fed. By no means am I a maid!! I belive the cleaning of the house is a joint "job". Sometimes it's easy to judge people and their perception of how a SAHM's roles should be, but each family is different!

Julienne - posted on 04/04/2012

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I don't agree with so many of the posts here about the responsibilities of the SAHP. Yes you are at home so you are the one who will recognise whether the milk is running low, toilet paper running out, nappies to buy etc etc... however staying at home involves raising healthy and happy children and giving them the best opportunities. Saying that of course it depends on the ages of the kids. I have a 2.5 year old and a 15 month old so my days are still filled with making and feeding children 3 meals a day, snacks, toilet training, painting, water play, car games, outdoor play, teaching slippery dip and swinging skills, colouring, sticking, and pasting. My husband and I are in agreement that we are the parents raising the children, not a daycare centre, and I am lucky I can do my "work" business paperwork at night and commonly still end up doing it at 1am... this being that we are responsible for their learning, behaviour and growth.



Who ever is home is able to get a couple of loads of washing done, keep the kitchen tidy and not have the house totally trashed at the end of the day then a successful day. The working parent generally cooks dinner and the other gets kids into bed and tidy's up the house. That means we are able to eat together and then have a couple of hours together before bed...



Each family has to get through the way that they see fit and how it works, there is not one "right" way I do wish I was able to do more during the day but our priority is the kids and then everything else will fit in eventually. One day once everyone goes to school there will be more non-children hours in the day and less pressure to fit it all in. But then there will be canteen duty, reading assistance, sport coaching etc. It's all up to each persons circumstances and their expectations of how to raise their children and survive their every day. We have a little chaos in our lives (my house is very tidy every night and we are lucky to have a cleaner to do the major jobs on a fortnightly basis) but neither of us would change it for anything!!

Joanne - posted on 04/02/2012

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As a stay at home mom, I don't expect my hubby to do alot around the house. I do expect him to spend time with the kids, playing and having fun because I get that time during the day. Now when I ask he helps, when I,m sick he helps. But we've been married 9 years and have 4 kids 3 boys 4,6,8 and 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage. Our youngest has special needs and we were told he wouldn't Survive. It becomes clear as what is really important in life. You are the only one you can change. I had to make a mind and heart change then I saw my hubby change. Patience and remember why you fell in love with him. Love is hard work and Times purely a mind set. The feelings will come back and you can have a wonderful marriage.

Happy - posted on 03/31/2012

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I'm working all day too. It's not like I'm sitting watching soap opers all day while the kids go to public school. We homeschool (not debating that choice, just saying that actually requires effort) and we have LOs not is chool yet. I work very hard and I am exhausted by the time my husband gets home. Family is a shared responsibility, not a woman's work, man's work thing. As far as money, I save our family tons of money by staying at home. Does that not earn me a little respect?

Jacqueline - posted on 03/28/2012

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Great perspective. I think we need to be gracious and let the man rest!

However, I think it is also good practice that everyone in the home pitch in a little.

He may not do as much work in the home as the SAHM BUT he is a member of the family and should pitch in.

If there are children involved, Parenting is (ideally) a two person thing. So to say that the parenting

joyous burden should only rest on the one staying home is not the most effective method.

Angelina - posted on 03/28/2012

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My boyfriend works 4 days on 3 days off. When he works I dont expect him to do much, But on his 3 days off all he does is sit and either watch TV, play on the computer, play Frisbee golf. He doesnt help with dishes,if he does laundry he only does his clothes(and uses dish soap WTH?) and then yells at me saying go check on your baby! whats your baby doing?! when im at the sink cleaning my dishes, my daughters dishes, his dishes, AND HIS 23 YR OLDS DISHES! im not complaining that i do everything. I actuality enjoy making diners and picking up the house, but if i cook a damn meal i sure as hell would like to have either help doing the dishes or at least been offered help. His idea of helping is telling my 2yr old to go to her room and then yelling to tell me she has destroyed her room, taken her diaper off, needs a diaper change, or has gotten into something while he sits comfortably on the couch. and then he will pop in a movie after i spend hours cooking him diner and ask me why i dont just sit down and watch he movie with him, my response is usually that i was doing the dishes. he says leave them and he will do them tomorrow, never does them then yells that he is sick of living in a pig sty and says that he goes to work and cant be botherd with it. he starts at 3pm and gets off at 1 or 2am. on wednesday, thursday, friday, and saturday. A little help wouldnt hurt on his days off.

**Jackie** - posted on 03/28/2012

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I was just reading all of the comments I have missed and I have to say...someone pointed out something that I thought was common courtesy. If my husband threw his dirty clothes on the floor I would smack him right upside the head. He would never!



For those of you that did not read my comment...basically I am a new SAHM and I do everything. I cook, clean, take care of our 16 month old and I even take my husband's boots off when he comes home. He works outside digging etc all day. So in the middle of august when he comes home with a plastic bag full of undershirts that are soaking wet...and not from water....I'm supposed to tell him to wash them himself? No, I would never.



Bless his heart, he will occasionally bring me home sunflowers and pour me a glass of wine when I put our daughter to bed. Just last week I finally got to sit down at 8 after our daughter was in bed and the dishes were washed and his lunch was made. He came out with lotion and rubbed my feet :) Those little things help...a lot

Rhonda - posted on 03/28/2012

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I didnt even read your comment above mine, I didnt get that far. Lol, theres 11 pages of comments. But what you said is absolutely true! My situation is a bit different since he does work out of town. I would love a little help, but cant get it right now. I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old who I do everything for. I love being a SAHM dont get me wrong, but I do desperately need some me time and I dont get to clock out (like you said). lol.

Chana - posted on 03/28/2012

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I do not ask my husband to come home and clean. I do that when he is at work. When he comes home however i do expect that he helps with dinner ,the clean up, and baths. If he makes a mess he needs to clean it up. I am his wife not his mother. I think it depends on what you and your husband decides what is right for your family and what you want to teach your children. It does not matter what other families do. As long as what your doing works for yours.

Rhonda - posted on 03/28/2012

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I am a SAHM and I do absolutely everything around the house and even the yard work. My husband works out of town all week so I dont even have the luxury of him coming home at nights and taking my two boys so I can have a break. I think that if you are a SAHP it is YOUR job to clean and cook. I wouldnt dare ask my husband who has been working all day to come home and help me clean!? I mean come on, you have plenty of time during the day to get things done.

Chana - posted on 03/27/2012

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I am a SAHM. I love that I can stay home and raise my children. Yes it is hard and sometimes i am bored out of my mind. I know what i signed up for when WE made the choice for me to stay home with our three children.( 5,3, and 7 months) . While I am at home i do laundry, cook, keep the kids..etc, My husband is doing his part by being at work and earning a paycheck. However, he gets to clock out at 4:30. His workday is over. Mine is not. He is a husband and a parent. That is not a job that you get to opt out of under the guise of earning an income. That means that he needs to be present and help with his children and his home. He is after all a part of this family. It was just as much his choice that i be a SAHM. It does not mean that I am a maid and i most certainly did not sign up to be a single parent. He is not doing my job. He is doing his part! As far as not doing his job for him. your right. I don't. What i do is worth even more. I make all of his doctors appointments, arrange his social obligations, buy his clothing, run errands for him, and various other things that he request so that he can earn a paycheck. Just becasue i do not earn a "paycheck" does not mean that i do not work just as hard ( or harder as he likes to tell me) . We are stay at home mothers..not maids!

Rachel - posted on 03/26/2012

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I think that each person has their "job." I'm a SAHM, which is the life I chose. I don't want strangers raising my kids, so that is my job. My other activities are cooking, cleaning the house, working on unpacking (we still have un-packed boxes almost a year after moving in), starting the garden, my other hobbies, and my home business. My husband goes to school and studies a lot, which is his job right now. We have equity in the house, grants, military money for him to go to school, etc., so we neither one have a "job," as such. The only thing I really dislike is that he uses free time to play online games, when he could be studying, or spending time with us. I am pregnant again, which means I have less energy and motivation, so I don't get things done as well as I did before. He DOES help me with different things now and then, which is really nice! I sometimes feel like he should help me more, but then I have to stop and look at why things aren't getting done. I spend time on the internet also, which means the time I spend actually working on all my activities is shorter, meaning I get less done. Before I can say my husband needs to help me, I need to help myself! Each situation is different, of course, but the principles are the same. We need to do the best we can, and expect the best our husbands can do also. If either side sees that the other needs help, we are supposed to be a team and help out! Anyway.... those are some of my thoughts... :-)

Darcey - posted on 03/26/2012

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I THINK HE SHOULD COME HOME AND RELAX BUT THEN AGAIN I WORK ALL DAY AND WHEN I GET HOME I HAVE TO CLEAN AND COOK AND TEND TOO THE BABY BUT I DNT COMPLAIN BECAUSE I SAY HE WAS TAKING CARE OF THE BABIES ALLDAY AND THATS A FULL TIME JOB

Toni - posted on 03/26/2012

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I think it's dependent on the situation. I'm a SAHM and I clean, and do all the chores, run errands, go to the grocery store, cook dinner, and pick my child up from school. My DH works from 7:30-5:30 Mon-Fr and 7:30-11am on Sat. He works a lot and when he gets home I expect him to still help me here and there. He will help set the table, mow the lawn, take out trash, and do a few odds and ends during the week. On Sundays, he gives me a bit of a break. He cooks dinner sometimes, takes care of the yard, takes our DS out for a bit to give me alone time. Now I'm about to have another baby next week and I expect a little more help. It's give and take in my opinion.

[deleted account]

I do believe that MOST of the housework should fall on a SAHM, but there is a limit. If someone can't walk 5 feet to a trash can to throw something away, bring down their laundry to the bin or take their dishes to the kitchen, that goes from being reasonable to downright laziness. I wait on my kids hand and foot because they aren't able to take care of their own needs. My husband is. SAHMs shouldn't have to be everyone's slave. That's the thing about staying at home. Our job doesn't end at 5 o'clock when the whistle blows. We keep going. When your husband comes home, he does deserve some down time, but if you're never receiving the same courtesy, that's when there is a problem. I have an agreement worked out with my hubby. When he comes home, he can do what he wants for a little while, then he can hang out with the kids so I can get some things done. He can do this on his days off as well. I'm not saying it always works out perfectly, but it does help when it actually happens. But his mother picked up all of his things and kept an immaculate house when he was growing up. He never had to do anything. With my physical limitations, I just can't be June Cleaver lol (though I do like to don ONLY the apron sometimes *wink wink*). A balance needs struck to make it all work. I don't make him really do anything, but I do ask him to occasionally do a load of his own laundry or to clean up a mess that he just made in my NICE, CLEAN KITCHEN lol. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Nicole - posted on 03/21/2012

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I am a SAHM and my husband work 10 plus hours a day. I believe that he should come home to a Clean house with Clean clothes and be able to relax and spend some time with the kids and me before it starts all over again. Now my husband has like ungodly amounts of energy and sometimes after dinner while im putting the kids in the bath he will clean off the table and wipe it off but its a joint effort. He think's that by giving it a 75/25 effort after he gets homes allows us to be able to spend more time as a family and with one another, however I do not believe that it is his responsibility to help me clean if I didnt get it done. So yeah! lol

Hollie - posted on 03/20/2012

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Being a parent is a 24 h 7 day a week job. I am a SAHM and I work all day just like my husband does!!!!! My husband works 7 days a week and usually 12 to 16 hour days. I know he is tired when he gets home but frankly so am I. I do my job during the day like he does and when he quits work and gets to play, I don't get to; so I think that the WP should help around the house since taking care of kids and the household chores should be 50/50. Unfortunatly, with SAHM or SAHD that doesn't seem to be the case.

Linda - posted on 03/19/2012

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I mostly agree, but some men take complete advantage of that situation, and its not always so easy for both parents to work bc of transportation schedule conflicts , and price of daycare or a babysitter.

Mildred - posted on 03/13/2012

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Becky Timm - I agree, switch men! :) Seriously though, my daughter did NOT have that discussion with her husband prior and he became abusive when she wasn't able to serve his food because of the baby, or couldn't sit and listen to him constantly. She's now a single mom - it's definitely something there has to be some agreement on!

Mildred - posted on 03/13/2012

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I grew up in a culture that was very much in the "housework is women's work" camp. So when I got married to a man who was the only child of and unwell mother, I was in for a bit of a shock. He worked all day, then came home and mowed lawn, worked in the garden, and helped do dishes! And when we started taking in foster children in our second year of marriage, he jumped in to help with them too - bathing, bedtime routine, picking up toys, or just taking them outside to play so I could have 30 minutes of a quiet house, even if I was using that 30 minutes to tidy up and do dishes! LOL!

Fast-forward 31 years. We have raised 5 children, the 6th is a special needs child of 11 years, I have a home business so am usually home all day while my son is at school, and my husband still comes home and insists on doing dishes, vaccuming, dusting, etc. That's in addition to doing the barn chores, splitting and stacking wood, and shoveling snow! So I really don't know what the answer is to the dilemma of a SAHM whose husband doesn't chip in. But I DO suggest that the moms who have boys need to teach and train them right along with the girls to do anything around the house that needs to be done. Not that mom sits around and does nothing, but kids NEED to know how to do those things.

Because of my husband's example and work ethic, and the fact that we didn't divide the work into men's/women's, all 3 of my grown (and happily married) sons do plenty of cooking, cleaning (yes toilets too) and child tending. The unfortunate part is that my 2 daughters married men who had very definite and non-negotiable ideas of what is women's work - they're both single moms now....hmmm. Wonder if that says anything?!

Stephanie - posted on 03/12/2012

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Sometimes I just feel that help should not be asked for, but instead asked if needed. I feel that if our men asked it we needed help with anything esp. if we seem on edge then it would show that they care to realize that we may just need a helping hand.



Another thing would be if we seem edgy maybe if they asked what is wrong in a concerned tone instead of name calling, or other things that some (not all) may do or say to their wifes. While also not jumping to conclusions about why a certain part of the home was not cleaned before they get home. In my home this would be the livingroom. Although since my husband has started working more overnights this has helped

Heidi - posted on 03/12/2012

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I do agree with Daria that kindness and honesty is the best policy when it comes to telling your husband what you need from him/need help with. I have to say,communica-tion is key. When you feel over whelmed you need to make sure he realizes and understands what you need from him. No blaming or saying you don’t do this, you didn’t do that. Just straight up ask for help in a kind way when you need it. My man is more then willing to help me out when I ask nicely. If I don’t ask for help, don’t communicate, or express my needs then I start to feel unappreciated, overwhelmed, and resentful toward him and my kids. In return he doesn’t understand what is going on, and will then feel the same way toward me. Honesty, communication, and having an understanding for the others needs is the best way to go. Kindness and excepting on another, is all to easy forgotten. Yet, when we make the effort to show the other we care... to be kind, to listen, and to share… in return this makes it all easier and worth while in the end.

Heidi - posted on 03/12/2012

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At the end of the day a man is still a man, not some boy or just a father. The woman is still the woman, not some girl or just a mother. My husband and I look at it in this way; we are in it together as a team. We are here for each other to make are day to day life easier (not harder) for one another. We do what it takes on both our parts to get our priorities taken care of, which we make sure our priorities are the same. If him cleaning the kitchen while I put the little ones to bed(or vice-a-versa) means time for us to relax together at the end of a long day(one for both of us), then why not. I’m not his mother, I’m the mother of HIS children, so HE can help in taking care of them. I’m not his house keeper I’m his better half, someone he makes time to spend with and enjoy. He is my better half, someone I love and cherish. He is not my boss.

Stephanie - posted on 03/09/2012

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Stacey- the fact that he does home repair is a form of helping around the house I commend him for that. Not everyone lives in a place they own.I for example live in an apartment with my husband and 2 kids I care for them while he sleeps ( he works nights) But since he does not have to be to work till 10 and only works 5 min from the home there is really no reason he cannot help get them bathed and into their pajamas before he leaves. I feel this would give him some quality time with them before having to leave for work. Giving me a break before I start the chores that I do once they are in bed. Like cleaning up after dinner cleaning up kitchen, laundry and putting it away (ours).

Stacey - posted on 03/09/2012

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Daria, I disagree with you. It also greatly has a lot to do with your partner's schedule. DH leaves for work at 6:15 and returns anywhere from 6:15-8pm at night. If he's home in the middle of the nighttime routine with the kids, he is expected to help with them before relaxing. For one thing, if he didn't, he wouldn't get to see them all day, and I've been working all day too, how is it fair for him to get to just relax and sit down for an hour. An hour is a precious amount of time in our household. DH works his ass off all day(he's a service technician), but so do I, and at least he gets to sit in the car, in the quiet for an hour on his way home from work!! :)

Stacey - posted on 03/09/2012

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I think that when DH comes home from work, I expect him to help with the children. Then again we only have 2 kids, so if we had more, I probably would expect more from him. He comes home, eats dinner, and gets the kids bathed and ready for bed, while I'm cleaning up dinner, and making his lunch. Then I put the baby to bed and he puts our 3 year old to bed. That way we're both done by 8:45 or 9 pm. THat's in an ideal world. Half the time he doesn't get home until 7 or 8, so I do everything myself, and when he gets home he eats dinner, relaxes for a half hour or works on a home repair, project, makes phone calls. We do all of our own home repairs(never hired anyone except for major repairs in 9 years), so there's always something that needs to be fixed, serviced, etc, and DH does them all. He works 10 hours a day 5 days a week. Meanwhile, I'm also relaxing by about 8:30. As long as I can sit down and relax for a couple hours before bed, I'm okay with doing everything. But like I said, kids sleep through the night and we only have 2 kids!

Daria - posted on 03/08/2012

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Just let your man veg out when he gets home. Men are different than women. Just let him have an hour of him time, (and don’t let the kids bug him either)..My husband always goes on the computer when he gets home..so I try to greet him with a smile( NO matter how hard it might seem most days) and close the door so he is alone to relax….and then bug him about all the stuff that needs to get done. And i know it’s hard but just explain to him in a calm way without judgment or guilt that you need his help and you can’t do it on your own..Idk it might help. I try to be the most honest. It really helps. The key thing is not to point figures or say you never..or I always...or anything like that. I know its hard to do. But it should work =) good luck! The key is trying to understand how men think, and trying to make him be sympathetic to you, And try to make all this simple an to the point when your explaining it to him. If its too long or complicated that’s where they stop listening. SO yah good luck!

Elizabeth - posted on 03/08/2012

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Let's put it this way..if he were the stay at home parent...and the mom were the one at work ...would she be expected to come home and help out or would she just come home and sit on her butt





I'm guessing ..not sit on her butt

[deleted account]

I am with Jackie on this one, other then laundry. My husband works outside 45 to 80 hrs a wk whether its over 100 or under -20 no way would I trade. But I HATE laundry so I get it all washed and dried and he helps put it away. To each his own, maybe if his job was in a cushy office it would be different.



He plays with the kids so I can get dinner on the table, we have an infant a 2yr old and a 4yr old. So it can be tricky.



As far as cleaning and all that I definately think it comes with the territory. I am happy to contribute to my family and home and I take pride in the work that I do, not that I live in an extremely clean and organized house but I do alot so my husband doesn't have too. Out of love and respect, not because he makes me. I think the main issue here is attitude...



And if I worked I would not have to do all that I do on top of working. The people I would pay to care for my children would be doing a bulk of what I do during the day, so it is not like I have it so much easier then a working mom. BOTH are alot of work

Tiffany - posted on 03/05/2012

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Well my fiance has been gone for a month now and not expecte to come back for another 3 wks so its just me and our 3 kids and being in a place that I dont know very many people basically I can count them on one hand and they work and dont have kids so Im alone for the majority of the time..When my fiance does come home from the oil rigs I do expect him to be helping as much as he can..the one thing I truly expect him to do is take over the disciplining of the kids... you speak only of your husbands working then coming home what about the ones that are gone for periods at a time..How does this come into play? Dont get me wrong I absolutely love being a SAHM and wouldnt change it for the world.

Jennifer - posted on 03/05/2012

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I agree with you that housework comes with being a stay at home mommy. I enjoy it although it gets tough to get it all done

most days. I think that whatever it is that our significant others

do for a living is equal to the work we do. I think that they deserve a break when they get home BUT we do as well.

Therefore my opinion is that when they get home they should relax for an hour but then take the child/children for one hour

so that we may have a break as well. This way its even, we work hard, they works hard and we both get an hour break a day which is very much needed to keep from getting burned out!

Weekends i believe should be family oriented and work together to allow free time for each parent as well..... Hope this was helpful, just my opinion. Works well for me =-)

Elizabeth - posted on 03/05/2012

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The problem is, I work all day too while he is at work (the computer is my "daily break"). When he gets home, he expects to relax, eat dinner and then watch TV after the kids are in bed. *I* still have dinner to cook and serve, kids to put to bed, dishes to do etc. When does my day end? When to I get to kick back with a beer and watch TV?

Suzanne - posted on 03/03/2012

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Yeah, if you're a stay sahm the home is your responsibility. There are days off tho.. like you can not do laundry for two days or your husband can give you a break and cook or order delivery or go out to eat. Just know that if you were working you would still have the same responsibilities and that is so much harder. Enjoy the sahm life.

Dori - posted on 02/28/2012

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i am a SHM of 4 my parnter works 40/week and no i dont expect him to come home after work and start doing "chores" but i do expect him not to leave his clothes(which is left evrywhere) and dirty dishes laying alover the place . my 2 oldest are in school all day and when they come home they have their chores to help out . i have a 2.5 yeasr old and a 4 yr ol with ASD so my days are pretty busy with those two .So come the weekend you bet I do expect help not just sitting in front of t.v/computer all day . but really toasts me is when he does go on a cleaning tangin and makes sure to point out every thing he has done .... really you washed all the dishes guess what i do that everyday where's my gold star lol ok rant done :)

Darla - posted on 02/27/2012

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I am at SAHM and have been for 6 years. We have 5 adopted children ages 8 and under....with 3 of them being special needs. With that being said, every situation is different. There is no way I could have even a p.t. job outside the home. I also can not be expected to "go it alone" on the housework level either. While I would love to say that I can do it all......I can't. Laundry alone for a family of 7 is ridiculous. You have to ask for help when you need it and not be made to feel ashamed or lazy for asking your spouse to pitch in with a chore or two. With kids you never know what a day will bring. I know my situation is somewhat rare, but I just wanted to stress that you have to figure out what works best for EVERYONE involved.

Crystal - posted on 02/25/2012

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I agree that as a stay at home, it is part of your job to take care of the home. However, if you ask your husband for a little help here and there, I don't see the problem. As a wife, we're much more than just cooking, cleaning, and baby machines. I don't know about you guys, but especially as a woman who once had a career, I can't tell you the amount of times I've given my husband career advice, legal advice, helped him formulate ideas, proof read memos and emails, gone with him to work dinners, etc. Do I say to him, "No it's your job to go to work and make money, I'm not going to help you with that!"? Of course not. Marriage is about team work and partnership, and everyone should pitch in when your partner asks for a little help.



http://www.mamainstyle.com

Stephanie - posted on 02/25/2012

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Yea it is nice but He hasn't even gotten that since about October or so he has been working 40 + hours so a lot more of the housework has fallen on me. I don't mind I just have been slacking due to hours of decluttering, which doesn't stay that way for long when you have kids to tend to and laundry to keep up on. I am trying to get to a place in my home/life where things have a home but it is hard with lack of storage and lack of space for storage.

In a slow tedious process of purging un needed stuff and turning other things into craft and sewing stuff but do need more storage fore these things

Stephanie - posted on 02/25/2012

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**Jackie** You are right and that each situation is different. If my husband worked in a job that was that physically rigorous then no I probably would not feel it necessary for him to help. I believe it all depends on:

*How many days in the week other half works and for how many hours

*If it is a normal 8 hour day 5 days a week office job then I would probably have hubby help with at least night routines after dinner (which would be his relax time) and have him have his own to do list for weekends.

* If hubby works 3 days a week for 12 hours in the day then no hubby should not have to help in those 3 days he is working. And split parent duties equally the other 4 days

This is the case for our family only my husband works overnight, so my everything gets done while hubby sleeps for 8 hours. With him getting to sleep there is no reason that between him getting ready which takes a whole whopping 30 minutes that he cannot help with other things such as helping the boys pick up their toys which in our apartment doesn't take many to "destroy" our living-room. Then I do most of the cleaning after the kids are in bed.



So yes it all depends on each situation and ages of children

**Jackie** - posted on 02/25/2012

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Kristy, Yikes. My OPINION about a SAHM (and this is also because we can't afford daycare) is that it is my "job". My husband leaves for work at around 6ish...sometimes earlier and gets home at around 6 or 7. AFTER a 20 minute shower and trying to scrub all the dirt off himself and loosen his muscles because he was hand digging and jack hammering all day, he eats the dinner I made and plays with our daughter before bed. I give her a bath and put her to bed. Then YES he is allowed to "sit on his ass" for about an hour until he has to go to bed because he has to get up and relive that dream job again.



Am I tired? Yes. Am I stressed? Yes.

Am I living the dream? Yes. My family is happy and healthy and we have enough love in our home to fill the hearts of a few more children.



I wouldn't have it any other way. I want to raise my children and even though I miss my career at times, all I have to do is look at my daughter and know I made the right choice.



Lastly, what works for one mother does not work for another. You can go on almost any thread here and find 10 completely different mothers, methods and ideas.



So next time you should think before typing. Please don't call my situation or my post BS. I wouldn't do that to you.

Kristy - posted on 02/25/2012

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sorry to say, but wow what BS! I am currently a SAHM as I have yet to return to work (we have a 4-month-old and a 3-year-old) I find it ignorant that many of the people here are saying things like "if you choose to stay at home then it's your job to do all the work"! What if you can't afford the daycare so that both of you can work? What if you are up to your CHILD(REN) overnight after already having had, had them all day and then the following day after a night of no sleep?! What about when your baby is screaming and screaming and screaming and your toddler wants attention? What if you wanted to go back to work and have Dad stay at home with the kids but he declined?!

I guess it's ok for hubby to just sit on his ass when he gets home because: he's been working ALL day?" Well sorry but BOO-FRICKEN-HOO! Mum works ALL day as well. You choose to be a SAHM because you and your partner want YOUR CHILDREN (yes they are HIS too!) looked after not because it's your job. No it's a house-keepers job or a maid's job, for those of us that are lucky enough to afford help. Otherwise it is the job of the SAHM to be exactly that a stay at home MUM not maid!

Obviously it goes without saying that mum will do most of the house work, dishes, washing, cooking etc as yes she is home more but I know first hand that working full time vs being mum full time is incredibly different! I am much more tired spending a day at home with the kids than a day at work!

In my opinion housework and chores should be shared between both parents. Obviously different days will determine who should do what but it is part of our relationship to understand our partners and help them when they need help. Perhaps we need to have a day, or a week in each others shoes to see just how differently draining each position is.

The main thing is that you are now a family and families should be working together to create a home, you all help dirty it, you all help clean it!

Kristin - posted on 02/23/2012

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I am a SAHM and my husband is in the military so his job takes him away a lot. When he gets off he does 'have to help' with the kids. I didnt bring them into this world by myself. I keep the house clean, laundry, dishes, cooking (he helps on weekends and when he has his buddies over). However, when it comes to the garage and his "manly stuff" aka work out equiptment I dont touch any of it. He makes a mess he cleans it or asks for help. We are young and have 3 young boys 2, 4yrs, and 12wks. so teaching them that even though daddy goes to work and mommy stays home that men NEED to help out with some things at home to (like trash to the dump, seeing as the kids take the trash from the house to the can outstide and the recycle, and vehicles).

Erin - posted on 02/23/2012

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Stephanie- It was a hard battle and it took a long time for me to get him to understand that I don't just sit around all day playing on the computer (for those of you wondering my daughter is asleep for nap) I actually wrote out a scheduled of my day and the next time he asked why the trash wasn't out I politely showed that to him but that will not work for every one. The best advice I can give is don't get mad and keep talking to him about it he will get it eventually

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