sahms needing help..

Erin - posted on 02/23/2012

Stephanie- It was a hard battle and it took a long time for me to get him to understand that I don't just sit around all day playing on the computer (for those of you wondering my daughter is asleep for nap) I actually wrote out a scheduled of my day and the next time he asked why the trash wasn't out I politely showed that to him but that will not work for every one. The best advice I can give is don't get mad and keep talking to him about it he will get it eventually

Stephanie - posted on 02/23/2012

Erin- I wished mine would get that through his head but he askes anyway, as if he knows what it is like. When I leave to go anywhere "alone" all he does is play w them and maybe feeds them if im gone during meal time. All I ask of my husband is that he take out the trash every night. He leaves at 10pm 3nights a wk for work anyway. The other is take care of the cars and that is on a as needed basis. The rest is a give and take when he does not have overtime. He has 4 days off there is no reason he can't help with daily activities those 4 days or least 2 days to give me a hand.

Erin - posted on 02/23/2012

And he has learned that if it doesn't get done not to ask!

Erin - posted on 02/23/2012

I am a SAHM and our agreement (my husbands and mine) is that I do all the chores minus taking out the trash and unloading the dishwasher.



One problem most SAHM suffer from, one we have addressed and fixed, is that I never got a weekend. He got his time off but I never did. on the weekend he was off doing his thing relaxing and I was still "at work". Our solution was that during the weekend he gets one day completely to himself and I get one to myself.



But I think what is boils down to is that many SAHM do not actually talk with their partners about the divide in chores. Even though is just assumed that the parent that stays at home will do it all, it is still a good idea to talk about it with your partner that way there is no confusion as to why he didn't help.



On another note SAHM have a pretty stressful job so yeah a break every now and then is really nice.

Stephanie - posted on 02/20/2012

Carol stop doing his laundry if he asks why they are not clean, turn around and ask him if he put them in the laundry room if he answers that he did not, then tell him that is his answer as to why they're not clean. Keep it up even if he gets mad one of two things will happen. 1) He starts putting his clothes in the laundry room for them to get done. 2) He starts washing them himself. I DO NOT think just cause he works outside the home gives him a good reason not to help. Ask yourself and him this. Who would be doing all the stuff you do if he lived on his own? NO ONE, but him even with working. Yes I expect my working half to help when he is home, his job may be over for outside home job but not as a father/ husband. Stick to your guns.

**Jackie** - posted on 02/14/2012

:( Carol that makes me sad. I don't know what to tell you or what advice I can give you. I wish I had something really intelligent and insightful to say but I don't. All I can do is pray for you and hope your situation gets better. :) Also, I am here if you need to vent. Good luck

Carol - posted on 02/14/2012

My husband dosent help at all, his only excuse is because he works. Yes, I could understand it when he was gone for months on end in a diffrent state with work. However, when he was home, he wouldn't even play with his kids. All I expect him to do, and I've told him this only God knows how many times. Pick your dirty clothes up and put them in the laundry room so I know to wash them, and bring your dishes into the kitchen, that way I can wash those. Does he do any of this? No. I don't ask him to play with the kids, I just ask him to do those two simple things that require a small amount of movement. But what do I get? I have an almost 3 and 2 year old both of which will take clothes to the laundry room, take dishes into the kitchen, sweep, wipe things down help put things into the dish washer etc. A 2 and 3 year old can do that but my husband cant? I can accept he works long hours, however when hes off for a week, he can't do these things? What's his excuse then? Its the same , i work...blah blah blah. I still have to deal with my kids throwing tantrums, and there are days they won't help at all, there are days they wont leave me alone, I'm going to school full time and I work as a freelancer. To get anything done majority of the time, I have to stay up till 1 am. Im almost 5 months pregnant, my job is 24/7/365(6) I don't get days off, I don't get vacation time. Heck I don't be paid monatery value nor do I get a tax deduction to send my kids to day care so I can go and work outside of the house, nor do I want to do that. All I want, is for him to pick up his dirty clothes, and to take his dishes into the kitchen. I don't get a honey, the house looks nice, or honey, you look like death warmed over or why do you look like you want to cry? while the kids are both screaming and cryin because one ate their last bite of a cookie and the other had scarfed theirs down hopping to get more. Most of us aren't told ' hey great job mopping the floor', but im sure if our husbands did that they would look at us expecting a medal and a chest to pin it on. I want two simple things, its sad I just want those two things and not him to play with the kids, but seriously if i could get him to do those things, without having to get an attitude or sarcastic it would make my day. But thats a long shot, i have a better chance of getting a bar of gold in the mail.

**Jackie** - posted on 02/11/2012

My husband and I decided that I would be a SAHM. He is still completely on board after 14 months. He works 13 hours a day outside. Rain, snow, hot or cold...he is out there digging and jack hammering. When he gets home he has a hot meal on the table, I take off his boots and let him get a shower before talking his ear off. He rolls around with our daughter and she gets so excited to see him. On weekends he is busy doing yard work and he is in the gunning club so he goes practice shooting (I stopped when I got pregnant). I don't expect him to do chores around the house. I feel that it is my job. I must say, some nights he surprises me and tells me he will give our daughter a bath. It's heart warming to hear her belly laugh in there with him. Do I wish he would help more when I am soooo totally exhausted? Yes. Do I expect him to? No.

**Jackie** - posted on 02/11/2012

My husband and I decided that I would be a SAHM. He is still completely on board after 14 months. He works 13 hours a day outside. Rain, snow, hot or cold...he is out there digging and jack hammering. When he gets home he has a hot meal on the table, I take off his boots and let him get a shower before talking his ear off. He rolls around with our daughter and she gets so excited to see him. On weekends he is busy doing yard work and he is in the gunning club so he goes practice shooting (I stopped when I got pregnant). I don't expect him to do chores around the house. I feel that it is my job. I must say, some nights he surprises me and tells me he will give our daughter a bath. It's heart warming to hear her belly laugh in there with him. Do I wish he would help more when I am soooo totally exhausted? Yes. Do I expect him to? No.

Rachel - posted on 02/10/2012

I think the being a SAHM means delegation. With older kids, they need to learn responsibility and helping around the house is a great way for them to do that. As far as the husband coming home and cleaning, no, I don't think it's something they should have to do. I DO, however, believe that the husband should not add chaos to the household. He should be proactive in cleaning up after himself, and there's nothing that says "I love you" to me more than when he does the dishes after dinner. I have a large household with 4 stepkids, my son, and one on the way, so dishes are a never ending battle, but it's really nice when my hubby does em after dinner's done, or even just switching the laundry when he sees that it's needs to be done..... I do expect the "man-chores" to be his, though. I don't do dog-poop duty, and I maintain my garden, but he does the lawn....

Stephanie - posted on 02/08/2012

Just one question Thoiba, are you or have you ever been a stay at home parent of multiple kids or of just a tot in that matter? Kids don't always want to work on crafts or stay doing one thing for a long length of time. Plus they like to create messes in areas that was already clean in the first place. As long as the house is not filty with crumbs like it had not been vacuumed in months there is no reason that the house has to be magazine ready at any given second

Lindsey - posted on 02/08/2012

I look at being a SAHM as my job. However, it has taken us awhile to work out the details of this arrangement without either of us feeling resentment towards each other. I have had a full time job before... Yes it is hard work and tiring and deserving of breaks and days off and paid vacations etc. Our problems arose when my husband took the role as my boss. He would come home and roll his eyes if I complained and asked what did you do all day and felt he didn't need to help with anything ever. Finally to get him to get it- in anger- I explained to him that my "boss" was an a-hole and in any other situation I would have lost all motivation to do my job well and would've quit by now. This for some reason got through to him. I explained how my work day was different than his. For one... No real breaks. Any break you do get (kids are sleeping for example) is spent rushing and sometimes sneaking around to catch up on the chaos. For two... At any point in my day my well intended plans could be completely derailed by any number of child sized speed bumps and before I know it the day is gone and he's coming home. For three... These guys don't realize if I need to shower and go somewhere... It could take anywhere from 2-3 hours before we are in the car and ready to go. (my boys are 3 yrs and 2.5 mos) Four... We have NO family available and few friends to help us. No nanny. No housekeeper etc. EVERYTHING falls on me exclusively. Oh yeah... And he travels outside the country for 5-16 weeks 3-4 times a year. That being said.... Now if I get help I am thrilled! But I try and set him up for success too. Like I will have the 3 yo fed and in the bath when dad gets home to get him out and dressed, brush teeth play a little, books and bed. Hopefully I will have baby asleep during this time so I can sit and relax a bit. Usually will watch a show on demand or something. When he's in bed and my show is over I will resume my housework. If I have to feed baby etc so he will be happy to hang with dad while I do my thing. I work on the house m-w-f and get OUT of the house tue and thur. Why does this response seem so jumbled?? My point is that yes... SAHM should work really hard so their husbands have little to do or help with. But husbands should be WILLING to help if mom is beat or overwhelmed or sick etc. Or at least offer mom a break or supervise the little ones so mom can get backto work. Also helping with the house and spending time with the kids are separate requests. If both people are understanding and respectful of the others duties there is far less resentment to go around. And lastly... Sahm's can vent... It's hard work!

Christina - posted on 02/08/2012

Well first off, the economy sucks so I assume that its just financially responsible for us to stay home raising our own kids, instead of earning 9/hr and paying daycare on top of it. BUT for some reason . . . . it ends up being the woman who makes that sacrifice, compromise, blah blah, whatever you want to call it. I think this is why sahms complain about it, well we didn't sign up for being a sahm for 5 yrs, I didn't at least. I'm sitting on a Bachelors degree watching the clock tick away and seeing a career further and further in the distance. Now my daughter has diabetes, and there aren't many daycares that want that liability. But to answer your question, while hes at his job for 10 hours, so are we. and childcare is expensive for a reason, it's a very hard thing, patience and tolerance, and temperance are the three main qualities I can think that are non-negotiable when raising a child. bottom line, whenever he offers to help out mom, that benefits him in the end, cause when mama's mad and irritated, uuhh look out! :)

Thoiba - posted on 12/03/2011

I think he you should be more responsible to finish all your house work on time. It will be difficult for him to help after a hard days work. But he could help you too in holidays. I mean give you a rest. While doing house work if your toddler is disturbing you can make her busy too. By making her helping you. Like giving some vegetalbes to peel or put in to a plate. providing some flour to make something creative like clay and etc. this will make her enjoy too while you complete your work.

Melissa - posted on 11/25/2011

I'm a stay at home mother of 2 kids, and I am also a student online. I understand how hard working everyday is but taking care of young kids all day and being expected to cook, clean, and take care of the bills plus doing homework ways heavy on me. I don't care if he doesn't do a lot of the house work. I care about him taking his kids once he gets home. I did work after having my firstborn, and I wanted to get home to see my daughter once I was done. My man wants to come in the house and sit down or close himself off in a room. I just want the kids to be helped with getting ready for bed, but I get to feel like an ass because people think SAHMs should be able to handle everything. I'm sorry but its impossible. Especially with the things that I am juggling. Remember when you have an outside job, you get to leave and go home. When you are a SAHM you never get to leave your job. So give us a break sometimes.

Amanda - posted on 11/25/2011

I am a stay at home mom to a three year old son. I agree that for the most part, the house chores should fall on the person that stays home. But i do think that my husband should help out some too, it is, after all his home too, he should take pride in how the house looks.
The difference between my husbands job and mine is that he has a quit time, i do not, i am on call 24/7, no stat holidays, well no holidays at all.
I am grateful that my husbands job allows me to stay home with our son, he is too. We do not want other people like daycare or nanny's raising our son, we want to be the one's who care for and teach our child. We had talked about one of us staying home after we decided to start a family, and we agreed that if we could afford to, one of us would stay home.
The problem most couples face is that they do not talk about important things like who stays home, who gets what chores, ect.
I don't think when the person that goes to work and then comes home should be bombarded with things to do, he/she should have time to unwind, play with the child, and then ask if their partner needs any help.

Jaime - posted on 11/23/2011

The only issue I have with this post is the comment of "him working 10 hrs". We have 3 children - he leaves at 6a and gets home at around 4-4:30p. I get up at 6a and my job doesn't stop until the kids are all in bed and then every 2-3 hours for the baby through the night.



So in perspective I work 24/7. The only "chore" he has is the dishes after dinner and there are some nights he won't even do that. On the weekends he has no responsibilities at all unless I need him to do something I can't (heavy lifting something). He doesn't even cut the grass or clean the yard.



So yes I believe that a husband should help his wife in some things. And don't get me wrong - I LOVE being a SAHM and being able to raise my children and take care of my family.



But I do not like working moms who crash on us for saying that we need a little help or a break at times too.

I-sha - posted on 11/20/2011

If husband is coming home after 10hrs job than its his right to rest and relax at home after coming back, if he help his wife in making dinner its his wish not he is forced to make dinner or help and if in weekends he help his wife than ok other wise i think he is exempted from house hold work on week days.

Crystal - posted on 11/19/2011

Here again, I've been on both ends of the spectrum. I've been the one supporting our family while hubby was a SAHD, and he did a wonderful job of taking care of the house and cooking and cleaning. I also have been a SAHM, but for the majority of those times I've been bedridden for one reason or another. When I've been able to worry about the housework,etc...and do it, I have!! My husband works his tail end off, and shouldn't have to worry about the housework as well. He does help out as he can though, especially when I'm physically not able to do it. Bless his heart he doesn't complain about how the house looks, and is quick to defend me. However, he also knows if I'm able, I'll take better care of how things look!! I focus on taking care of the kids, and to his credit, he really realizes how much is involved with just doing that because he's been stuck taking care of them full time while I worked 70 plus hours. So, in my situation, it has helped that we've both been in each other's shoes before. Sometimes I do go on strike when there isn't enough appreciation given for what I do, but that is very rare!! Of course, he does the same thing to me as well. We've got an odd relationship, but it works.

Rachel - posted on 11/14/2011

I have only this to say about this topic. Consider (try adding them up) all the hours that a SAHM puts into her "job". I get up and start "work" at the same time my husband does (many days before him) and I am still working til both kids are in bed (usually by 8:30) then I pick-up and do a few more chores. I am usually "done with work" by 9-9:30pm. My work day goes from 6:30 or 7 each morning til 9-9:30 each night. That includes weekends. Add how many hours I work, then compare it to my husband (who works 42.5 hours a week) and see who works more hours... My husband understands this though and he doesn't moan and complain about helping out. We both do as little as possible ONE DAY a week and work the other six, but unless I go out of town, I am working every single day... My husband doesn't do a lot of chores, but he sure doesn't expect me to do EVERYTHING in this house.

Jeannette - posted on 11/02/2011

I think cleaning, cooking, laundry are all part of that stay at 'home' job. When I stayed home, I did 99% of the chores, and 80% of taking care of the kids. I can't complain, because he didn't complain when the laundry wasn't caught up, or the house wasn't picked up.
Be grateful for the opportunity to be productive in whatever capacity you are. If staying at home is not your bag, go to work outside the home.

Savannah - posted on 11/02/2011

If you're not a sahm you don't really understand the full impact of being a sahm. However I do understand that men who work 40+ hours a week need a break just as badly as sahm's do. My husband is a full time student and I'm a sahm. He's very busy with hw, studying, etc and I don't expect a lot from him because I understand and appreciate all the work he's putting in to give our family a better future. On the flip-side of that he also sees how stressed out I at times can be and understands the need for me to...say...shower alone or to eat (because sometimes you just forget to feed yourself). But I think the key thing in or relationship is understanding so I don't get pissed if he doesn't help do dishes.



My personal thought on the reason women complain about their hubby's is because they for some unknown reason believe that their husbands don't work as hard as them. There's probably not much respect coming from either the husband and wife. Also when complaining comes about it's because there is 0 communication going on.

Savannah - posted on 11/02/2011

If you're not a sahm you don't really understand the full impact of being a sahm. However I do understand that men who work 40+ hours a week need a break just as badly as sahm's do. My husband is a full time student and I'm a sahm. He's very busy with hw, studying, etc and I don't expect a lot from him because I understand and appreciate all the work he's putting in to give our family a better future. On the flip-side of that he also sees how stressed out I at times can be and understands the need for me to...say...shower alone or to eat (because sometimes you just forget to feed yourself). But I think the key thing in or relationship is understanding so I don't get pissed if he doesn't help do dishes.

My personal thought on the reason women complain about their hubby's is because they for some unknown reason believe that they work as hard as them. There's probably not much respect coming from either the husband and wife. Also when complaining comes about it's because there is 0 communication going on.

Tanya - posted on 11/02/2011

Absolutely depends on the two individuals. Everyone is so different and every situation is different too. I personally prefer that if we both work/are employed then we both pick up the pieces at home and with the children. If it's one work and one at home, they both still need to help eachother. Both should give 101% to eachother. When the children see both parents helping eachother and making everything work (not perfect but work well) they will see what actually keeps love, marriage and a happy home intact.

Miste - posted on 10/30/2011

To be really honest I would ot know how to act if I had the opportunity to be a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM). I have actually lived this but in reverse and my second husband retired from the Navy and was a stay at home dad but he did not do a thing and so I was working a full-time job plus doing all the at home work.

So having lived it from one perspective I would say that it is really important that the person that is at home is doing something to be truly productive. If it was myself these are some things I would consider in beng productive: cleaning the house, helping children with their homework, washing clothes, having nutritional meals for all family members prepared and ready, hunting down good deals and bargains in any and everything from food to clothing to auto insurance, shaping the family spiritual life, getting children in actvities, etc

Sarah - posted on 10/29/2011

I think that it depends on the ages of the children. I think that if the kids are quite young then the SAHP has been working all day too, just like the working parent. Therefore, when the working parent gets home they share on things like cooking and cleaning up after dinner and getting the kids ready for bed, etc. I think when it comes to laundry, tidying toys, etc. that should be part of the sahm's job. I guess each family will have to decide who does what and what makes it fair. I guess what I am trying to say is I think the working parent cant just come home and lie down on the couch after a hard working day while the SAHM works 24 hrs straight but on the other end the sahm should be taking on more of the house management - maybe like 75% - 25% split or something? definitely not 50/50.

Jonelle - posted on 10/29/2011

my partner works. i believe and this what works is yes he works but while he's working what are you doing. looking after the kids, doing the dishes, doing the washing. when he gets home he rests and then he helps me with the outside chores and whatever else needs doing. looking after kids is still a job. i would rather be at work than be stuck at home. i love my kids. after all the mess is not all yours and the kids he makes it too so it should be half and half. just because he's at work doesn't mean your not working. you are on call 24 7 there job isn't. For it be worthwhile for me to go back to work i have to make $500 just to pay enough for childcare so this is not an option it would be nice if our partners would make it a little bit easier instead of just dropping there mess where they are.

Whittney - posted on 10/28/2011

I believe it is the SAHM job to keep the household clean and kids behaved. I love my husband to my very core. But it wouldnt hurt for them not to clean but to keep from messing it up even more after we spent all day trying to keep it in order with 2 kids running around messing it up behind us. we dont need them to do it as well. I love the food my husband cooks when he cooks. but has anyone noticed that they dirty the kitchen from one end to the other when they do? or just take their socks off and throw them on the floor? I dont think its their job to clean and keep the house but it is to not make things harder

Lisa - posted on 10/26/2011

Kelly, I think this topic is ageless, and will probably still keep going until well after our LOs are in college, lol.

I agree with pretty much everything you say. I think a lot of women here (at least myself for sure) answer the question based solely on who does the housework. If my husband came home from work and plopped into a recliner, I would be angry, but I would also be disappointed that he didn't have that desire to spend time with his own child. Fortunately for me, that is not the case. He is very much an equal parent when he's home, and will feed, bathe, change our son without being asked.

I have to say this, and its along the lines of what you were saying; when I was pregnant, and actually from our son's birth until today, I'm constantly told 'how lucky I am' that he's an active father. I really don't understand it, tbh. I mean, yeah he's got a heart of gold and is just as involved as I am. But to me, without trying to mitigate what my husband does, it seems odd that fathers have such a low bar. My husband goes to to pediatrician with me, he went to the OB with me as well. The nurses, our friends, even strangers in the store will say 'oh you're so lucky' .....while sometimes, I say 'thank you'...other times, if I'm feeling saucy, I ask 'why? He's his son too'.

I think it's a sad reflection on minimal effort being applauded.

I don't want to come across as an ungrateful witch, because I'm not. In our home, I take care of the chores, and the baby while he's at work. We only have one child, and I'm crazy organized, so it's not a job which consumes my every day. And my hubby takes care of the 'man' stuff....garbage, lawn, minor house repairs, etc. But when he's not working, he doesn't get a free pass to sit and do nothing. He watches the baby to give me some free time, and we also do things as a family. I do give him free time as well...it's all about balance, and to us, it's about remembering that we're individual people in addition to being parents and spouses.

Candhl - posted on 10/25/2011

I firmly believe that my job as a SAHM is to take care of everything in our home, from cooking and cleaning to doing ALL the laundry,paying the bills and balancing our budget. My job is being a SAHM and I do not expect or even want my hubby to have to come home and do MY job. I don't mind if some days he wants to leave his dishes where he sits and toss his clothes in the floor, because most days he works 12+ hours per day. It is my job to take of my hubby who is working his tail off so I can stay home. Because I never complain or ask him to do dishes/laundry/etc in return he takes out the trash and does things I can't do without having to be asked for the most part.

Candhl - posted on 10/25/2011

I firmly believe that my job as a SAHM is to take care of everything in our home, from cooking and cleaning to doing ALL the laundry,paying the bills and balancing our budget. My job is being a SAHM and I do not expect or even want my hubby to have to come home and do MY job. I don't mind if some days he wants to leave his dishes where he sits and toss his clothes in the floor, because most days he works 12+ hours per day. It is my job to take of my hubby who is working his tail off so I can stay home. Because I never complain or ask him to do dishes/laundry/etc in return he takes out the trash and does things I can't do without having to be asked for the most part.

Myesha - posted on 10/23/2011

Im a SAHM but not bu choice. I LOVE being home with my daughter but I was programed (growing up) to go to college, get a job and provide for yourself and your family. Unfortunately AND greatfully, I was laid off when i was pregnant, giving me time to stay at home with my new baby. he is now 2 and I am feeling like I am not accomplishing anything. Although my hisband says I am doing GREAT with our daughter I still feel like im not contributing like I should. Sometimes I feel like as a SAHM I dont get to come home like he does and have a so called break from work, so YES I want him to help out around the house sometimes. I feel like i am at work 24/7 and it isnt fare for him to get a break and i dont. Not saying that because he is the bread winner he shouldnt get a break, but if thats the case, then so should I. When Saturday and Sunday comes around, he has his time from work...I dont.

Juli - posted on 10/23/2011

I think both work equally hard!! I am a stay at home but am also disabled on disability. I believe he should help A LITTLE after resting a bit. no mom says e has to do all house work just some. 1 child is hard but manageable depending on the age 2 or more can be worse than a normal job. I have 2 babies a newborn and a toddler without hubbies help housework wouldn't get done some days.

Mercedes - posted on 10/21/2011

i think that the guy should help a little whether its just picking up after himself or help making dinner or something..im a sahm with 3 kids and he is gone most of the day comes home about an hour before the kids go to bed and i try to keep up on housework but after awhile you get tired of doing the same thing everyday and when someone helps out its not so bad

Christina - posted on 10/20/2011

I think it really depends on the situation and how many kids. The more kids there are the more help might be deserved in the evening. But I also believe in training your kids young to help out with their messes. My 20mo picks up her toys, carries her dishes to the kitchen, cleans up her chalk door doodles, picks up her laundry, and helps me sort the other laundry and feed the cat and she loves it!
I do think that yes there are some chores that should be husband territory, weekend yard work, taking the cans to the curb on trash day, and (at ours house) taking care of the dehumidifier in the basement.
We decided together out of both of us believing in more older & traditional ways that the woman should be home with the kids and children should be homeschooled by both mom and dad, thats why I don't work outside the home. I do little things online for spare bits of $$ when I wants something cheap online or in one of my games, i handle all the shopping and errands, and even have extra stuff i do like pregnancy center lessons and Early Head Start for our daughter. I'm always going, always busy. I try not to make him do something if i can handle it on his off days but sometimes, it wont kill him lol.

Sharlene - posted on 10/18/2011

Hi there , My husband is in IT management does full days comes home at 6/7pm and cooks dinner for all of us ,Im a fulltime mom with 4 kids 2 oldest 8 and 7 2 youngest 18 months and 6 months we share the work load together,b ut every night he comes home and cooks dinner for LOL.I cant really cook but but I appreciate his help with daily routines . LOL.

Melissa - posted on 10/18/2011

I'm a sahm and although I don't expect DH to come home from work and cook/clean/etc, it would be nice if he did something to assist me since my "job" as a SAHM has me working from 6am-8pm, whereas he works for 8 hrs then comes home and relaxes. I might like to work a mere 8 hours but I chose this "job" of being sahm so I get to work 14 hours a day, 7 days a week while the working parent gets to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Oh, I forgot to mention that when my 14 hour workday is done (after child goes to bed) then I start my homework b/c I am also a f/t student.

Kelly - posted on 10/18/2011

I wasn't describing my life--I was just describing the lives of many of the sahm's who post about needing help. I've only got one child, I volunteer and take time for myself every single day, and my husband actually does not even own a recliner, and loves spending time with J in the evenings, BUT if he didn't, i could see how it would stress me out.

It seems that a lot of people think sahm's are asking for help because they are "lazy" and want their husbands to pick up their slack, but in the majority of these posts, that is not the case. The husband is not being a "father"; he is only being an "income", which is not enough for any family to function properly.

Amber - posted on 10/18/2011

I stay home with my daughter. A lot of the household chores lye on my shoulders...as it should b/c I stay home. However, that's not to say my hubby doesn't pitch in every once in awhile. He is willing to help when he is able. I do rely on him for the major stuff like moving big furniture, fixing stuff around the house (leaks etc.). I try to do a majority of the stuff so when he is home we can enjoy family time. He loves being w/ our daughter, so he will a lot of the time take care of her so I can get other things done around the house or run some errands. :-)

Donna - posted on 10/18/2011

I agree with you up to a point. All my kids are grown & out of the house. I was not a stay at home Mom, but my Mother was until my parents divorced. One thing they never ever fought about was who did what around the house.
My mother did everything in the house, cleaning, cooking, laundry, raising my sister & myself, going to PTA meetings etc. She did it all. My father worked shift work, meaning one week he worked 8am-4pm, 2 days off then the next he worked from 4p-12mid, 2 days off, the next week he worked 12m-8am 2 days off etc. That made it hard on everyone because when he worked the overnight shift she couldn't do some of her housework because it would wake him up & we had to play outside or be very quite not to wake him up.
That being said, my father did everything outside, but there were times where he would see that it was taking a toll on my mother because he though he worked 8 hrs a day in a factory as a foreman, & he worked these crazy shifts, he knew how hard it is to be at home raising two kids, and doing everything at home, the cleaning, cooking, balancing the checkbook, food shopping and so on. I don't see anything wrong with the husband/father helping out once in awhile. There's nothing wrong with a mother/wife asking for help once in awhile. I'm not saying he should cook a 7 course dinner, but he could help with the dishes or giving the baby or child a bath or putting them to bed. Not only does it help the mother/wife out it's also a time to bond with his child/children. I'm not saying 50/50 but hey they can give a hand when needed.

Pam - posted on 10/18/2011

oh and if he's sitting in the recliner, I would just plop baby in his lap, and get the toddler occupied in front of him, and finish the chores lol that's generally my plan of action most nights. also, call a friend while doing chores, makes it seem easier and less daunting.

Pam - posted on 10/18/2011

it also depends on the family right? From our vantage point, we just do things together and enjoy it, some families are on the other side of that spectrum, and that must be difficult. Some men act really macho and refuse to help, some are clean freaks lol not often di I see that, and some are right in between, like my marvin. I guess the question would be in fairness and maybe deeper, how one thinks about roles, balancing duties, childhood modeling, mutual respect... all things that point to a deeper issues within the relationship, I myself cant say anything about another family, I can only speak from my own exp.

Pam - posted on 10/18/2011

Im not saying anything against the whole notion of getting help, I'm lucky because my husband actually wants to hold and see the kids when he gets home, It must be frustrating when you see your husband flop into a recliner when your exhausted from an entire day of work, but trust me I know how its like to feed a baby and have a toddler, I have both. I have a 4 month old and a toddler and I do things with them both. I do take time to myself at times too, when my toddler is having breakfast, on goes baby einstien, the morning tasks get done and I get ready. Then we go out, which for me is my sanity. I could not stay inside all day and not go mad. Afterwards, we come home have lunch, feed baby, put them down for naps, then I get some more time. Have a coffee do a scratch and win, tackle some laundry, and prep supper way ahead of time. When they wake, or baby wakes first its feeding time, and then learning time when my toddler wakes up. After we have done that my toddler watches her favorite cartoon while baby watches me do whatever else I wanted to do. Sometimes my toddler plays in her room while I make dinner, she's very mature. My kids are also very calm in a sense so its not always crazy but it is sometimes. I do give them baths at night but not every night, my toddler can brush her own teeth with a bit of help to make sure they are clean and washes her own face, puts on her own PJ's and loves story time so there are no struggles going down. I remember night terrors though, those are crazy, I remember thinking what the hell is going on with her, but it was a phase...and lol I hope they never return.

Kelly - posted on 10/18/2011

I can't believe this is still going! This was like a year ago...

Anyway, most of the sahm's asking for help that the OP was referring to were mostly asking that their husbands come home and spend some time with the kids so they can cook dinner, clean the kitchen, and finish up the few loose ends that didn't get done while they were chasing their kids around and teaching them all day, and for their partners not to ADD to the mess by at least taking their dishes to the sink and clothes to the hamper.

For the sahm, the evenings are usually the most hectic part of the day--bath times, cooking, cleaning the kitchen, gathering homework papers, all the little things that have to be done at the END of the day because they can't be done effectively any sooner.

It is emotionally difficult to keep juggling 3 tasks at once while watching your man collapsed in a recliner all evening knowing you are BOTH exhausted.

The sahm didn't sit on her butt all day, she spent the day taking kids to activities, doing learning activities at home, running her own errands with kids in tow and doing the daily cleaning in between, (which takes twice as long when you have a 2 year old asking for constant attention and an infant who wants to eat as soon as you get the toddler settled) and knowing that she'll be up most of the night with a teething infant or a tot having nightmares.

They don't need their men to come home and do chores; they just want their own half hour to relax and think about themselves.

Pam - posted on 10/18/2011

well, it can be a lot of work at times but my situation IS obviously different from yours, both my babies do sleep through the night (yes lucky me) I'm super organized so its not hard to maintain, and I enjoy what I do with the kids, not to mention I have time to go on the laptop to go on fb and circle of moms... when my husband comes home, we have dinner, TV, or a movie afterwards and a snack and I bf my baby while my tot enjoys some time with us (bfding to me is not alot of work, you just sit and feed them, have a snack, watch some vision). Its not rocket science nor is it too much, its our family and we enjoy it. A dishwasher makes things easier as well lol only takes a couple minutes, and by the time bedtime rolls around everyone settles and off the another day. I feel blessed :-)

Christina - posted on 10/17/2011

So the working parent should only work 8 hours a day, and the SAHP should do the 24 hour days? Cause the SAHP is the one that obviously gets up with the children in the night and up with them in the morning, feeding them entertaining them, cleaning, dishes, laundry etc. So from your prospective the WP works 40 hours a week but the SAHP is expected to work 168 hours a week, because lets face it, SAHP don't sleep a whole lot and are "on call" every night. At least thats how it is in my house.

Pam - posted on 10/17/2011

well I'm on maternity leave with my baby and toddler, I breastfeed full time as well as make time for my tot, take them to the park, stories, learning time, hygiene, and guess what? the house is clean the dinner is made and there are no issues. I dont get on his back as soon as he steps in the door, and I'm pretty keen on doing things my way anyways lol. When I get back to work, I'll just do a massive house clean, make sure everything is organized (but it always is) and ensure its easy to maintain. Still if another family is having this argument then maybe the parent is feeling anxiety and frustration stemming from a well known thought of gender roles? Some people focus on that and think its divided in that sense. Or maybe they are overwhelmed and need a minute to regroup
, or maybe something even more personal. I personally love having an organized clean space, when I met my husband his room was a jungle and his apartment looked like a tornado hit it, he was your typical unclean man lol (that was gender specified, I know I know not all men are like that) Now that he's lived with my for 6+ years, if lets say I felt sick and the house were to get reeeally messy, he actually feels misplaced, which doesn't happen that often, only recently after my 30th birthday celebration lol but once I recovered come evening things were all clean again. Nothings perfect, but if you love what you do and always look towards the satisfying end result then things will seem easier.

Lisa - posted on 10/15/2011

I was literally just talking about this on another thread. I don't believe it's my husband's job to come home and start helping me clean.

I was a career woman before having our son, so staying at home was a hard thing to adjust to. In the beginning, I felt a bit of jealousy that my husband got to go to work everydy, lol. He also felt sad that he had to leave us everyday. So there were a bit of hurt feelings on both sides. He makes more morney than I do, so him working and me staying home was not an option for us.

His hard work allows us the freedom for me to care for our son, which is more important than anything else. I respect my husband working so hard for his family, and I want to make his life as easy as he makes mine. Yes, he helps with regard to picking up after himself...but he gets tp come home to dinner ready, a clean house, and our son, ready to play and spend quality time with

I don't feel this makes me subservient; this makes our household run properly. We are equal, but play different roles. One cannot exist without the other, and for us, that means we have different roles to fill.

He will put his dishes in the sink, and actually, we stand together at the sink, and he will load the dishwasher while I rinse the plates. We talk about our day. But he doesn't
Have to sweep, clean toilets, do laundry, etc. That is my job, and it's no less important than his is to bring home the money which keeps our daily going!

Renee - posted on 10/15/2011

Oh, goodness! I suppose I have a unique perspective because my husband of 25 years passed away six years ago. Yes, he should be able to come home and rest....for a little while. Then, he has to help. Regardless of whether or not the mom stays nome or not, it's not a 50/50 deal. It's a 100/100 deal! Being married and being parents are both very, very difficult jobs, and....they're both very important jobs! If you haven't already done so, watch the movie Fireproof and make sure your marriage is priority. Praying for you!

TARA - posted on 10/13/2011

ps. don't use the link I sent.. they do eventually pay you, it's not a huge scam, but they also take money from you! not worth it