Should I move away with my toddler??

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

Since my ex left us in Feb, he has remained our financial go to person as he promised to continue paying our rent and utilites until our lease was up, thats this month. This is the second time he left me andmy daughter who is two and its for good now since he moved his first ex wife out here to where we live with their three kids from another state. they all live together and he hasnt seen ourlittle one in a month. this is no surprise as i have had to push her on him since the day i was pregnant. we divorced then reconcilled last year for it to last for only ten months and me to leave everything to move with him out of state for a better job. now that his past due child support of12k is written off and no longer a debt because we reconcilled and i signed with the courts to wash it away, he is on his feet witha good job and the family he has missed for six yrs. in the meantime i had started back to school to finish my BA and stay at home with my toddler at the age of 33. He decided to walk out for work one day to tell me by phone he wasn't coming home. i stuck it out here without family and friends because its beautiful place to live in the Ozark mtns and so much to do. i attend church and my little one goes to mothers day out programs and we have our own life without him. since he moved his ex out here im afraid he is going to fight for shared custody, idk, he never did it for his other kids when we were married it was me making him do it to see them more. i have sole legal custody and want to move away from them as the ex wife is psycho and spiteful. shed fight for my little one jus to make me mad since we hate eachother. he has a felony conviction from last year after his dad died he beat his mother with a bat and he went to jail. i dont want our baby to grow up knowing him. he has denied her all this time and when we were together i was always upset as he never played with her or hugged her or loved on her as his own child. our town is 77k ppl and if i move to a different apartment or town we can still enjoy this place we have been for a year. on the contrary, my mom wants us to move back to the state, five hrs away, we are from. im not close to my family as after my divorce and i was pregnant they kinda left me out on my own to figure things out though at one time i was withouta car since mine was repoed and i lost my home during the divorce. no one was to even offer a couch for me to stay. so i have been on my own the past two and half yrs. now that my little one is getting older and she misses her and doesnt know her she has found a duplex down the street from her. she lives with my brother and sister an dmy dad lives about 10min away. i went to visit last week to see my choices and i was so uncomfortable. my dad didnt come see us the whole week until we were about to leave, my brother and sister were so rude to my littleo ne an dme and my mom blames me for so much that happened ten yrs ago when my parents divorced. it was hard for me to not choose sides but she sees it that i did. i dont want to livea nervous wreck and getting my feelings hurt around them. i cant forget how they treated me when i was down at my worst and needed them. i told her this last week, i cried and had so much pain at how she always treated me different and would hit me all the time when i was little and never my brother and sister. theres an age gap of ten yrs from me to them. i always felt she didnt like me. now that i have this adorable little one she barely knows because she never comes to see us even after six months of my ex being gone who she didnt like, she wants us to be near. or me to be near so she can see my daughter. its tough. im a full time student and can live off of my loans and grants in the state i love, just the two of us. but i have to feat my ex and his revengeful woman will find out where we live or serve me papers for joint custody. if i move out of state, the only place i can get approved for and affordableis this one close to her and it is very nice as well. i dont know what to do, i dont know how to weigh out whats important. yould think i killed someone the way that my family ttreats me, but they dont want someone needy or someone in distress as it may mean they have to put out some money or a place to stay or loan out a car to me. I have everything I need now i dont need their help just their love and approval. i said that to my mom and she laughs and rolls her eyes at me when i cry and am upset at the pain i ahve carried from her and my family. she didnt even stay the night with me in the hospital when my baby was born. i was numb from the waste down and was there alone witha new baby. she went home because my brother wanted her to not get too attached to the baby. its messed up and it hurts. i dont know what to do. iforgave them all for shunning me and my sweet little one so that i could have some sort of relationship with my mom and dad and siblings. but i can't help but remember it. what do i do that is best for me and my little one?

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Christina - posted on 06/28/2012

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Hi Renee! Hmmm....sounds like a bunch of difficult situations to think through, right? Going by what you've stated I would say, don't move. If you have all you need where you are at and there is no one in the other state that would be happy (key word) and willing (key word) to help you with relocating, then the chances are things will not go very well for you. Stay where you are and finish school.

As for your ex....if you have sole, legal custody of your little girl then your ex's ex-wife would have a really really really hard time even getting a court to listen to her if she wanted to try anything. Really, that probably won't happen. The father sounds like he has already severed ties with you and your daughter, so the posibility of him coming back around (without your encouragement) is probably very low. There is always the chance he may if things go wrong with his ex-wife, but you don't have to take him back. He left....doesn't take an interest in his child.....having him in her life may cause more issues, especially if he likes doing the disappearing act, than if he were completely out of it. Also, if your worried, move. You don't have to tell him where you moved, unless there is a court order stating that you must maintain updated contact info for eachother.

You have a lot more control and choices than you think. Take care, Christina

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[deleted account]

Now that my toddler and I are settled in, I have worked hard to become anonymous. Ive put freezes on my credit history my ss number all my utilities and had my phone turned off. I have had my mail forwarded to an online post office box company and had my phone turned off. two days before we moved away i asked my ex over the phone if he would cause alot of trouble if we moved out of state because i missed my family? he said no, sometimes ppl have to do that, for jobs or be close to family. its like he wanted us to leave. we have been moved out of our apartment a week, he lives there i assume and he has asked to see our little one on monday. and again emailed me tonight for our updated phone number. if i have sole custody do i have to answer his emails? do I have to communicate with him? i mean i wrote up the parentling plan but that was when we both lived in another state. all that it states is that we must have an accurate phone number or email address for communication. i sont want to give him my number, our daughter cant talk very well anyways. it all just upsets me that he is trying to be a dad to her while rubbing it in our faces he left us to be with his other kids and first wife. how do i explain that to her if he was in her life. thats why i told him i was moving to florida to be away from all the drama and even found out his exwife who he is with had my toddlers name tattooed on her back with her kids' name before she even met her. i know he is only wanting contact with our daughter because of his kids wanting to. for the image of it. any advice?

Tosha - posted on 07/10/2012

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God bless you,much! give it some time before you make your final decision about relinquishing paternal rights. The baby's father is obviously a very indecisive person and kind of unstable at this point, but he is her biological father and can grow to love her very much-likely will. You wouldn't want her to resent you later in her life bc she doesn't know her biological father, siblings and didnt get to. Who knows? one day her dad and fam may help out with her,or may love her if you grow to trust them and things get ironed out for all. I hope you go on through this hard time and love her yourself. One day she will distance herself from him on her own, or their relationship will otherwise unfold on its own.She may even get a new daddy if you remarry. My 11 year old son is my youngest,he just met his estranged dad this year.With my supervision,they spent time together when his dad came to visit our state. After a couple weeks of visiting,that was it- things went back to how they used to be between them-we hear from him every week or so though. My son's dad and I had a short term relationship,I left him bc he was an addict, and he moved back to his home state. He called once and talked to my son when he was 4,and really just wanted to see if he could get back with me,a convenient relationship in his mind.I declined,and anyway I had gotten married. that was all we heard until this year we looked for him on face book, when my son kept asking. He loves my son! My son loves him to, but sees his lifestyle and understands why he has been separated.He even said "it is best like that mom,we don't need him around,but he's cool though" and my son kinda moved on with is little happy life with questions answered. Things are back to the way they were, but my son is relieved to know his dad for himself,he met his older siblings-they are not close to him;my son doesn't care.they are not even close to their dad bc of his lifestyle,but they live very close to him and see him often.I did file for child support again (the last time was when my son was an infant and being such a complicated state to state case,i stopped pursuing it after a while,and i let it go bc i knew he was a drug and alcohol addict anyway, and worked oil rigs
-more off than on.) I always prayed for a reunion, and kept the door of opportunity open for my son's sake and peace of mind.Im glad I did!

[deleted account]

i have decided not ot move back to the state im from, where my mom and family are. she was not upset, says she did everything to help me move there, but it was very expensive to move and haul all of my things. in the meantime i was approved for a very clean and quiet, affordable apartment about a mile from where i live. its a new and upcoming area and very safe and still close to my church and mothers day out program for my toddler. i am continuing in the fall after summer semester is over with my online degree through the state university for teaching. my childs father and family never call or text to ask about our little one. his exwife and kids are living here and not sure if they are staying or moving here for good.probablly will. i found documents online to print off for relinguishing rights as a father. texted him on thursday about it. i was going ot bring them by friday morning to meet him at the bank ot have them notarized. he said he couldnt get away from work. now after the weekend he obviously had a change of heart.i dont trust his actions, as he only wants our little on his life for his kids. he kept saying that they should know eachother. nothing about being a father to her and role model. i dont want to have to explain to her when she is allittle older why her dad and grandma dont come around.or break their promises when they say they are coming over and dont show up. hes already shown me since she was born and when he lived with us and since hes been gone for six months. hes a jerk and bad dad. he has provided us a place to live til now. i am moving to a different apartment complex. he has asked to come over to talk more about it tonight. i dont know what to do. he doesnt think its a good idea to sign over his rights and wants to think about it more. but after the weekend having everyone in his ear telling hiim different he has changed his mind.

Sandy - posted on 06/30/2012

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I think you have to trust your instincts. If moving away will help you find some peace then I say do it. You and your baby deserve a happy life. People get so caught up in their family drama that they lose sight of what is really important. Just because you made a mistake in your family's eyes does not mean you are a failure. You are strong, capable and working towards having a better life for you and your baby by getting a college degree. The only person that should be judging you is God. There is plenty of help for single mothers out there, but only accept help from those who are willing to be there for you in the good times as well as the bad times. Your local church is a good place to start. God Bless and Good Luck!

[deleted account]

thank you Christina. Thats what I needed to hear! I have spoke to friends from a new church we are attending and my little one goes to mothers day out there in the school year, they are helping me look for a new place and will help me move. I plan on moving the second week of July if all goes good. I am staying in the same area of Fayetteville Ar as it is a great place to raise my little one. Like you said, and hit the nail on the head in several statements, i am convinced that living near my ex is more tolerable than my family at this point. its only five hrs away, doesnt mean they can't come visit. i dont feel a bond with them anymore after this last visit this month and this happend. i also dont feel threatened by my exhusband to come beat me up or something and we agreed to stay out of court as he doesnt want his personal/barbershop business to brought up in court and the income and taxes he will have to provide in the since of child support and i dont want him in our lives he has agreed to help me anyway he can and see our little one when i allow him to and not ask where i live. i will keep that from him as long as the exwife is in the picture, i dont trust her or who she runs with.

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