Stay @ Home Moms just dont get it

Mariya - posted on 05/05/2010

First, congratulations! I think that it is you and only you that can tell what is good for you and your kid. No matter what other people say, it is your life. And trying to live a life somebody ELSE thinks is good will only make you miserable, so do not pay attention. Your friends are quite judgemental, one would think they should be happy for you. If they can't, that does not mean that you are wrong, it just means that they cannot understand you. Stand your ground and I am sure it will work out. I admire you that you can do it alone, I am only surviving because I have help.

I myself am the working type. I just can't stay at home all the time. I aim for 4-6 hours per day quality time, and that's about it. I work full time, but my hours are flexible, and I have 3 kids. My stay-at-home friends thought I only had a third one by accident, not by intention, which was funny, then they were surprised that I was going back to work, but luckily for me nobody judged me aloud. The interesting thing is that I am getting more support from collegues at work who all think it is great to to work and have kids, and I had many offers from different people to let them babysit for a couple of hours.

Courtney - posted on 04/18/2010

Congrats on Bowie! I kinda know how you feel. I'm the only one out of my friends with children who uses daycare. They're constantly trying to make me see the "error of my ways" but I love working. And my daughter thrives in daycare. She's happy and extremely social. I've seen her interact with the stay-at-home bunch and she's strides ahead of them. Don't let your 'friendz' make you feel bad about doing what you know is right for you and yours. It's too bad they don't understand your desire for both family and career. If they could, then they'd be able to celebrate with you instead of hounding you with 'what abouts'.

Yakini - posted on 04/17/2010

I struggle with the success that I can be and staying home with my daughter. It is funny, I just had a recent conversation with my boss about this. You do what you have to do and don't let anyone tell you differently. The consequences are you will miss out on some things. If you like the details of your child's life you will miss those details. I also realized that as good as the daycare maybe, no one can love her and watch her like I can. The advantage that you have now is that you are done with your Master's so you can spend time with your child. I am planning to begin my Masters next year. Again, I say planning. I am taking one class now and it is intense. Between my job, my husband's hours and my time with Reyna, I barely have time to study. Part of it is, when she comes home and on the weekends, because she is only one, I don't want to miss a thing and she won't let me miss anything. You are were I wanted to be before I had her so I truly understand your position. But, when she came, I realized the only place I wanted to be was with her. If it wasn't for the necessity of my job I would change that. Don't get me wrong I love to work. It is in my being.

Estrella - posted on 04/17/2010

Don't pay attention to those people that are important in your life. You will be a great role model for your kiddo.Congrats! and best of luck to you.

Rosemary - posted on 04/17/2010

First of all Congrats on your new job, from some of the commets I read I totally agree, I am a full time working mom, I still manage to get my son up early and also spend time in the evening with him, my mum has always worked she did shift work and I am so grateful for her working and the role model is she, even today she is working two jobs at the moment, I would love to stay at home but I think I would go a little insane it is great to have time out to yourself even if it is work I would hate to be cooped up in a house all day every day not going anywhere or having an adult conversation I went back to work when my son was 3 months part time at first and it does kill me being away from him but I know he wouldn't have the things we have if I didn't work,

Ashley - posted on 04/17/2010

Good for you! I do both, stay home when I can & work when I'm able. As long as you are keeping the best interest of you family in mind, I don't see anything wrong with that.

Xandria - posted on 04/16/2010

Congratulations! That is amazing. You have worked hard and you deserve to reap the benefits. I work and I love it. I miss my daughter when I'm at work but I am also a person and I enjoy the social interaction with other adults that I get from working everyday. I think that as long as you are happy and your daughter is happy and healthy then you are doing the right thing. Good luck and it's great to see that all of your hard work has paid off. Keep it up.

Karen Sue - posted on 04/16/2010

Congratulations!!

Elizabeth - posted on 04/16/2010

It seems that ever since women have needed to or wanted to go to work, the fight has been on between working Mom's and stay at home Mom's. I wish that we could put our differences aside to work towards a commom goal of raising great kids, but i too have heard harsh words from stay at home Mom's. "but you will miss out on your child's milestones, doesn't it bother you that someone else is raising your child, I dont' see why people can't do without so you can be home with your children." We have heard it all, and a lot of it very hurtful because it is not true. I had two girls,one year and two days apart. They were both born in October and I was back at work by January. We are one of the many families where I HAVE to work. BUT, my girls are now two and three and they are not behind or deprived and someone else has NOT been raising them. I am their mother and I have not missed out on any milestones. I think that my sitter has helped in their socialization and my girls see her as their grandmother even. Is it always easy, well of course not. It isn't easy for stay home moms either. I have to say though, I have seen a trend where stay at home moms are more abusive and mouthy to working mothers. It doesn't make it easy and it doesn't change the fact that mothers have to work. I don't want my girls to think that they aren't capable of working someday if they have children or that the world will look down on them for only being Mom's at home either (And i say that not because I believe stay at home Moms are not important, because i think they are great but because I think that there is also a misconception about how hard it is for them too). I think that each family is different and whatever is decided is for the best. If these "friends" do not understand the hard work you have put into your degree , the decision to be a working Mom and support you, how can they really be friends.

Sofia - posted on 04/16/2010

I am a working mom-I work 9am-3pm. I used to work much more and make twice as much money,I Stopped for 1 and a half years when my baby was born- stayed home, watched him grow (which is something I wouldn't change for the world!) and then went back to less work -and worked the same hours my son was attending pre-k-I don't agree with stay at home moms-they have to get a life of their own-just for a few hours it will do them good and their children! Then again I don't agree with career women-you are not raising your child-someone else is (Im not saying you don't love your child but you are not there!) My advice would be to grow your career as you grow your child-dosen't matter if it takes longer, the main thing is to Enjoy the journey and let your child be a big part of that!!!!

Haley - posted on 04/16/2010

This topic is an issue with me. I currently work at Domino's pizza, am in intern in a educators preparation program, attend school (last semester) and am a mommy. I feel bad sometimes that i have to do so much and miss out. However its ok for two reasons. One: when i am done with this internship and school, i wont have to work at domino's. And all the time that i spend away will be cut almost in half (i do about 70 hours a week all together). and Two because in order for me to be a healthy minded Mommy, i need to be away from her once in a while. right now it is alot and i dont need that much, however on those days where she is a little ball of frustration (lol) It is kinda a relief to go to work. That way when i come back i have renewed level of tolerance and energy for her. Does this make sense.

Rose - posted on 04/16/2010

Congratulations! I know what you mean. My friends that are stay at home moms feel sorry for me that I have to work. I like to work. I tried to stay home when my oldest was born and by the 4th month I was ready for a rubber room. I firmly believe that my children are better off with a happy working mother than they would ever be with a stressed out stay at home mom. Don't get me wrong, I admire women who stay home and raise their children I just don't think that profile fits everyone. As long as you don't put the job before the kids you are okay (been there done that - learned my lesson).

NAA - posted on 04/16/2010

Nothing is wrong with that, remember you also have your passionate career needs which have to be fulfilled plus due to what you said you have to help provide your needs and that of your child's. You definitely will catch up on some of your child's milestones and I bet you'll enjoy them.

I went to work when my said was almost 4 months in January 2008 and since then I've had only 20 days official leave but we're managing just fine.

Go girl

Betty - posted on 04/16/2010

I'm working full time and have been since my daughter turned 3 and half months. She goes to daycare and really enjoy having all the little kids around. It also give her a chance to discover more things (Which I've heard it helps with their development quicker)

I've always wanted to go back to work and thought if I start when she's older, she'll have more of a hard time adjusting. She'll be 7 months next week and understand that mommy drops her off in the morning and will come to pick her up in the afternoon. I love her very much and miss her terribly at work. The 1st week I started work I cried almost everyday cause I missed my little girl so much.

So I take lots of pictures and videos on my phone and laptop so I can look at them at work.

I've always been the type of person that likes to rely on myself. I know some stay at home mums where they had marriage break ups and now have to fend on their own which is even harder as they've been out of the workforce for a while and it's hard getting into it.

I know by working, I'm providing the best for my child and can buy her anything she wants.

I hate to have to rely on my husband and ask him for money when I want to buy something. Plus, I'd like to set the example and show my daughter that if all else fails, you have yourself to depend on.

But if one day I win the lotto. Maybe I'll stay at home :)

Angela - posted on 04/16/2010

Congrtatulations on your carreer. You should be proud of your accomplishment and take pride in it as well. Some "stay at home" mothers cannot see how important it is to have a carreer outside the home. I am a stay at home mom, and not having a "job" has its benefits and downsides. Being a working mom is difficult these days, being able to balance home and work, making the time for all the little things that pop up out of the blue. However, if you are able to do it, then take pride in it! I would give anything to have a rewarding carreer outside the home and be able to financially provide for my children, without relying on my spouse. So although some may not understand, you are doing what you need to do, to better your life and the life of your child. Don't listen to their negitivity. Your daughter is and will always be proud of you for your accomplishments and it will drive her to do better for herself throughout her life.

Shameeka - posted on 04/15/2010

That is what I have told the. But they all think their marriages are made of Gold :) LOL

Yesenia - posted on 04/15/2010

Congrats! I work and take care of my daughter. I have another on the way. I cant wait to get my Masters as a CRNA. Talk about long hours, but at least your teaching your children, to make something of themselves and that you can be a mom too. Second, if their relationships go bad, at least they can support their children and themselves. I know from experience. So congrats, and show your child you can be a strong independent women and a mother too. They will love you because when your home, they will know your attention is on them, when your at work, they will know your doing what you have to do to support them. Sure there are set backs...but if your a good mother, your children will love you for all you do for them.

Marietta - posted on 04/15/2010

Congrats on the job! i say that your so called friends are jealous. Do what you have to do for your family. I have 2 sons, when my first was born i went back to work after 3 months, it wasn't a fact that i wanted to but i needed to, my partners wages weren't enough and i had a great mother in law who helped out tremendously.When my 2nd son was born, 18 moths later i went back to work after 1 month, same situation. I used to get the "doesn't she care about her kids" thing all the time, and the fact was, yes i did care for my kids, enough to make sure they were fed,clothed and provided for,and that is what i would strike back with instead of depending on goverment help. I was able to find that work life balance that worked well. The time i did have with the kids always made them & myself feel like i hadn't missed out on anything. A year ago we moved to Australia & i am a sahm, I really want to get back into going to work as the only times i did not work was when i gave birth. Not for the fact to get away from my kids, but finding that balance again. I just feel that i am better being a Work mum then a full time sahm, that's just me :)

Amanda - posted on 04/15/2010

Can I just say that not all stay at home mums are like that......being a stay at home mum myself I think it is wonderful you working :) I believe it is possible to balance both worlds. I was a full time worker as a Dcs Operator on the mines fly in fly out before I had my beautiful little girl and it is just not possible for me to leave 2 weeks at a time anymore, I'd miss her too much. Although I am looking into some study or seeing whats available around my home town, I need to keep my mind stimulated as well. I do love being home with my daughter so much, but I do miss working as well and I dont think your child will miss out on anything. I also agree as others have said, that it gives you a chance when you get home to enjoy your child so much more. So please dont blame it on the stay at home mums, we arn't all like that, blame it on the individual and feel sorry for them that they are so narrow minded. Dont link us all into a group just because a few of your friends, if you can call them that, dont want to give you a pat on the back like you deserve. I think its wonderful :)

Dannielle - posted on 04/15/2010

Congrats on your hard work! Not all of us have the luxury of being able to stay at home. Some of us HAVE to work. And it is not the 50's, working mothers have been raising perfectly well adapted children for years. In fact teaching your daughter that hard work and independence is a great thing to have in this life. And teaching her that you can not always depend on a man to take care of you and even if you do have one you should not depend soley on him. Hard work should be applauded.

Maggie - posted on 04/15/2010

Congratulations! It sounds like you will be doing something you enjoy. Some of us need time away from the little ones to be better parents. I've tried it both ways and I just can't be a stay at home mom. My work time is "my time" to have adult interactions and not have to worry about the next meal or diaper change. I found the balance by working part time (25 hours a week) and being home the rest of the time. We all have to do what works for us!
Double standard: if you were a man no one would say anything except congratulations. Kinda stinks to be the mom sometimes!

Catherine - posted on 04/15/2010

You go and do what you set out to do. I am a working mom with an 8 year old and how I wished I had gone to finish my associate's degree in business and moved on to getting my bachelor's with the way the economy has turned out and trying to make ends meet with my little pay without the extra background for more money. So dont listen to these so called non-working women/mothers who are overly stressed out and have nothing else to break up their boring lives in watching their kids. You have to be focused and balance and still care for your household, but make that good money too! Congrats

Abbie - posted on 04/15/2010

First of all kudos to you and your wonderful achievement! I myself am a single mother. I have been a stay at home most of my son's first years because I chose to be. Although I looked for work, I didn't look hard. Now I'm to the point where I need to grow up and be a good role model for my son. I hated leaving my son at daycare at first. I would much rather be at home with him and watch him grow, but once I started working again I remembered how nice it was to have that extra money. I go to school full time and I start a new job this weekend. It's not easy by any means, but it can be done and many have proven. I'm not sure if your friends are just concerned, but either way I hope they come around and realize how great of an opportunity it is and that as long as you are providing for your child and doing a good job of it they shouldn't have anything to worry about. I'm not sure how helpful that was, but good luck! =]

Gina - posted on 04/15/2010

That is awesome I can't believe how they could be so negative. Being a stay @ home mom is a personal choice & no one shoudl feel obligated to do so, your daughter is lucky to have a mother w such goals. It seems to me like maybe a bit of jealousy from your friends...

Melissa - posted on 04/15/2010

I'm a FTM and I have to leave my little one who will be 7 weeks old this Monday (also the day I go back to work full-time). I also just enrolled in college and I start that tomorrow. My fiance just lost his job last week so I will be the sole provider for the 3 of us. I have had friends telling me to stay home with her as well and that I'll miss all of Liliana's milestones. So I now the feeling.

Denise - posted on 04/15/2010

i agree stay at home moms don't have a clue sometimes...a lot of us work hard to get what we want and provide for our families...i personally would go crazy if i didn't work..i think it sometimes depends on how some people were raised...i was raised to work for what i need, want, pay bills etc... it's called life...

Misty - posted on 04/15/2010

Congrats on your accomplishments! I was a 'working' mom with my first son and now with our 2nd child I am a SAHM. When it comes to spending time with your child it's not about quantity; it's all about QUALITY. I had just enough quality time with my child as a working mom as I do as a SAHM. Good luck! :) :)

Leanne - posted on 04/15/2010

haha sorry i am a careea mum but am curantly stay at home mum as well as trying to do study i am between jobs because new bub is due in july i love being at home with the kids but i miss working i have always worked i had to leave school to pravide for my self i have missed out on a few things but instead off being told thy did this or that i am given the chance to seee it for myself for the first time which is ok we now live out on a farm so my youngest still gose to day care for to half days a week at a home daycare whick gives us time in town to do what we need to do i will proberly go back to work angain in maybe 6 month but i will only go back part time as my hubby is unable to work my life is a far cry from my older sister who is a stay at home mum to 4 kids under 10 but she can do that happerly i do get some strange looks when people find out i am the 1 that works because so many people still belive that a mum should stay home to look after the kids and hubby has to work but not me lol

Vanessa - posted on 04/14/2010

Okay ladies... lets not bag out all stay @ home mums!!
I for one am a working mum. also trying to keep my career going. however, a couple of weeks ago I had a great deep and meaningful with three other mums andthere was an even mix of working and stay at home mum.
The working mums i included were strongly focused on our career and how to move up the corporate ladder and become someone(professioally) in life.however stay at home mums have a different focus. they see that their role in life is to take care of the family home not necesarly having their husbands provide for them. that is not to say that us who work dont take care of our homes.

every ones priorities and needs are differrent. some three years ago I had to stop work and take care of my boys. but prioities and needs change. my hsband went back to study so I now have to bring home the bacon... LOL... but
should I have it my way i would work continue to work, however giving my kids quality time when I am at home to enjoy them.

T - posted on 04/14/2010

If you read the book Being There By Isabelle Fox you will cry your eyes out and rethink your choice to be away from your child during the first three years of his/her life. The book really puts things into perspective from the child's point of view which many times we overlook thinking that children are so resilent.

Laurie - posted on 04/14/2010

I recently just dealt with the same thing - but from my grandmother! I don't need to justify or rationalize my choices. It is not for everyone, but I don't understand why anyone would try to force a choice on me. I personally believe that if I stayed at home full time, I would go nuts! I need time with other adults and the mental stimulation of my job. When I come home, I can get silly with my little girl and truly enjoy her!
Good for you - enjoy your job and good luck! It is an interesting balance, but it is worth it for me!

Christine - posted on 04/14/2010

Shameeka -- because your friends ARE stay-at-home moms, that is the filter they see life through -- they can not image themselves in the career you have built for yourself so they point out what THEY would be concerned about. Forgive them and just be the best professor you can be when you are being a professor and be the best mommie when you are being a mommie. I'm sure you will do a fantastic job at both!

Monica - posted on 04/14/2010

i have been both a hard working mom that spend many hours away from my children and a stay at home mom. your friends that are saying stuff about this dont understand what its like. i personaly like being a working mom its hard to spend the time away from my kids but its well worth it. and your daughter will realize as she gets older how strong you are and she will look up to you.. and the time that you do spend with her is more special in a way and its more sentimental to and to her and you wont be missing out on anything honestly just ignore them and remember the only person that counts is your daughter and she loves you and knows your doing best for her and thats all that matters!

Kayla - posted on 04/14/2010

I am a stay at home mom and I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to go back to work. Eventually when my daughter gets a little older I plan on going back myself. It all depends on how you feel about it. Some women don't feel comfortable returning to work right away and maybe they think that you feel the same way that they did. Fact is everybody has different ways of raising their children and there is no one good way to do it. You just have to do what you think will benefit your family the most and go for it. I've learned as a mom that you're always going to get advice you don't appreciate and you'll learn to just smile and move on.

Tami - posted on 04/14/2010

congratulations to you! i have a eight month old daughter, i work full time and so does her dad , lots of my friends stay at home too, i just dont see why though, i love working and in a way its my time away, im thinking of going back to college to better my career prospects, but havent decided what to do yet. I think what your doing is great :)

Nina - posted on 04/14/2010

Shameeka, congrats to you girl for the position! I feel we are very similar as I've always been career driven and that didn't change in the slightest when I had my first son last year. I've experienced similar reactions from friends/family who are stay-at-home moms and have the privlidge of being with their kids 24/7. But to be honest, I don't think I'd want to even if I could! I get frustrated at the expectation that moms should stay at home and even when they can't they should feel guilty or its assumed that they aren't good parents or don't love their children enough. I feel that the best way to love my son is to love and respect myself and the dreams and goals I have for my life outside of being a parent. So that's what I try to do as I continue my career.

Sara - posted on 04/14/2010

There is defiantly a give & take either way. Stay @ home moms miss out on a lot of things that working moms do as well as the opposite. While home moms get 2 be there 4 most all the 1st and whatnot's working moms really appreciate the time they do have w/their little 1's. As having done both my thought on that is 2 be very careful 2 evenly balance both. It is hard when I think back @ what I missed with the 1s I worked with compared 2 those I didn't. I am super glad I was able 2 get the training I needed so that I can work doing what I love. As it helps balance my home life when I can work as long as I don't over do it. Then I just miss out.

T - posted on 04/13/2010

Good for you for receiving a job at the college level! Perhaps, your friends and family are just looking out for both you and your daughter. Sometimes, outsiders can see a clearer picture than when you are in the situation. Try it and see how it works for you and your daughter. Good luck to you!

Elizabeth - posted on 04/13/2010

You go girl! Listen, true friends would support you with whatever you do and give you encouragement. The main thing is to find balance between work and home and only you can figure that out. It will be a challenge. Good Luck!

Brenda - posted on 04/13/2010

I have found similar reactions. I went back to work after 8 months of maternity leave (in Canada we can have up to a year) and my friends were quite judgemental about it. "How can you possibly leave your baby!?" I love my daughter and the time we spend together in the evenings and on the weekends is better quality time than what it was when I was on mat leave. But I need some intellectual stimulation in my life too and I need adult conversation that is about something other than parenthood. I love my daughter and my family will also come first, but I can also balance a job with that. We need the income, but the truth is I want to work and I enjoy it. And for some reason there is a hard core group of moms out there that think I am insane for that. Even my best friend, when we were discussing the merits of home daycare vs. daycare centres once said to me "well, but the ideal is to stay at home, but if you can't...." and when I corrected her and said I didn't think that was the idea, she flat out told me I was wrong. I think daycare is extremely important for the development of social skills; it is an important aspect of my daughter's life. Not to mention that I want to be a good role model for her and teach her that women can be successful in balancing family and a career. For some people, staying at home is the right choice. I accept that there are benefits. But the stay at home mom's should not judge the rest of us, as there are unique benefits to our choice too.

Elina - posted on 04/13/2010

I think it's all about finding what works for you. And the "Mommy wars" will continue no matter what. Be proud of what you are doing, and don't let anyone make you feel bad!

www.mymisha.wordpress.com

Sonia - posted on 04/13/2010

Congratulations! I thought of my mom when I read your post. She not only worked full-time but also went back to school to get a second Master's when I was in grade school. I saw her work, take care of me and my dad and pull all-nighters. I realized later that she went back to school for herself. I never felt neglected and am proud of her for doing all she could for herself and for others. When you do things for the right reasons and communicate with your kids, they get it and will be proud of you!

Hang in there and don't sip your friends' hatorade!

Alexis - posted on 04/13/2010

Dear Shameeka,
I am a military mom and I have to leave my children alot more often than I like, but I am proud of my job in the military, I am good at it. It is all about making the time you have with your children count. I would love to be a stay at hom mom, but finances and medical care dictate otherwise. I would still volunteer or something outside my home even if I could stay home, just to give back and make a difference. Your daughter is watching you and your success. You are providing a shining example of how one can accomplish any goal if you put your mind to it. My hat is off to all mothers, because it is a difficult job. Congratulations! Continue to strive for your success, you are your daughter's role model, she will want to be like you. That is the way it should be, she sees you doing your best and challenging yourself. Bravo

Maudia - posted on 04/13/2010

congrats im a stay home mom i did work but i chose to stay at home and take care of my 2yr old while my husband work and i have 4 teenager i like to see other moms make in their life but make sure you have time for your child it seem like stay at home moms dont understand working mothers and working mothers dont understand stay at moms.

Ruth - posted on 04/13/2010

Congrats on your new career!!! Your friends should be happy for you instead of saying how hard it would be.What they should have done is offer their help if things were to get a bit overwhelming do to a new job and a move even if they're not close by. Staying at home I personally can't do it. I just moved to another state and took some time off work to get things situated and I right now I feel like the walls are closing in on me. Most of us say we can't wait to get off work but right now I can't wait to go back( how ironic). -Good Luck-

Dawn - posted on 04/13/2010

Shame on your friends for not being happy for you and making it seem like you are making a bad choice. As long as you find that balance between work and home there is nothing wrong with enjoying your job and going to work. I know I always thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I tell you what, I work part-time and I enjoy the days I go to work sometimes way too much! Being a mother is rewarding and wonderful but I am not ashamed to admit that I enjoy my time away too. To have gone as far with your education as you have and get to enjoy a job you enjoy and worked hard to get and still have a family at home too, good for you!! I'm looking into getting a full time job right now as my husband was laid off. I'm gong to let him play Mr. Mom! ... and I don't feel guilty about it!!

Jennifer - posted on 04/13/2010

I am divorced and lived with my grandmother for almost a year after and had to pick myself up and keep moving. It was very difficult and dealing with all the drama that divorce brings i was broke down to about nothing but we all have a decision.... do we stay and mope or become better than before. As mothers our jobs are to be mommy, safety, compassion, acceptance, focused, motivated, and the ones that show our kids that we can always come on on the top.

KaShona - posted on 04/13/2010

I have been a stay @ home mom and a working mom. I work full time M-F from 8 am -5 pm. I spend just as much time with my children now as I did when I was at home. They are in school almost as long as I am at work. Balancing your work and family life will be a challenge, but it is possible. Even though I work full time, I still enjoy family game, reading, or math night at their schools. I still attend open house and report card pick up. I attend orchestra and choir concerts. I make it to basketball, wrestling, and track events. I even get to go to classroom parties and eat lunch with your student days. I do just as much as I did when I was at home, only I get a paycheck in the process!

Alison - posted on 04/13/2010

I live in an area where women are expected to work and stay at home moms are not really valued. Daycare is the norm. It is a cultural thing and people are just generally not all that open minded.

Good luck in your career and with your daughter!!!

Keeshea - posted on 04/13/2010

Congrats on the appointment! You've worked hard to get your degree. Don't listen to them - pursue your dream - girl!