Stepson's Emotional Age/Behavior

Reena - posted on 04/18/2012

Hi Lindsey,



I am a stepmom to two teens ages 14(SS) and nearly 16 (SD). DH and I also have two little girls ages 4 and 5. DH and I have been married nearly 8 years and his EX has been sporadic over the years. I won’t go into all the details, but she has made it very difficult for me and my step kids to form any real relationship while they were younger and this past year she has basically abandoned her relationship with them. It is such a difficult situation filled with so much pain—and these are really great kids.

DH and I adopted our youngest two daughters. I have read quite a few books on attachment in relation to adoption as well as grief, but honestly, I’ve found what I’ve read to be even more helpful with my stepkids. You may want to try looking into some books along those lines for a resource.

I think SS is testing your love and commitment (he may not even realize he is doing it). His mom left him, abandoned him. Everything in our society tells us that our Mom is the ONE person who will go to the ends of the Earth for us. When a child has a mom who leaves them this can cause the child to have a lot of problems with trust as well as problems with self esteem.

Has SS had any counseling regarding the loss of his mom? I am not sure where you or your DH stand on that issue, but counseling has been extremely helpful for both my stepkids.



Tantrums like the one at the park—SS may have felt more frustrated that it was “You” spending so much time and attention on him and helping learn this monumental new skill instead of his “Mom.”



This past weekend I took SD for an afternoon of shopping. We had a nice time. The next day she wouldn’t hardly acknowledge me. Later that day she told DH that the little girls get on her nerves because I baby them—I hug them when they cry.

It is like a light version of reactive attachment disorder—you do something to bring each other closer and they do something to push you away—to see if you will stay or not.

Some people saying being a mom is the hardest role in life. I disagree—being a stepmom is the hardest role.

(((HUGS)))

Kay - posted on 04/05/2012

Put yourself in your step-son's shoes for just a moment. He is nine. His dad has a new life, with a new wife, and a new daughter. His mom is not involved in his life, so he is already prone to mistrusting maternal figures. He has already learned that he can't rely on them. He has no control over any of this. His life to this point is completely dictated by the decisions of those around him. Decisions he has no say in whatsoever. Would you be happy and well-adjusted?



Step-parenting is difficult, and you have every right to feel frustrated, just as you would be frustrated if your daughter was behaving in a similar way. However, step-parenting is different, too, because of the toll that the entire situation has taken on the child.



Family therapy is a great suggestion. I have also found it useful with my stepdaughters (seven and nine) to let them determine what activities we do together. Joining them in things that already interest them seems to create a level of common interest. It also lets them know that I am interested in them and what they are doing. We read books together, with my five year old, and the two of them (Harry Potter was one of their favorites, now we are going to do the Hobbit this summer).



It is a tricky situation all around. I wish you the best of luck in figuring it out.

Sol4J - posted on 04/03/2012

I am glad you've reached out to connect with other parents regarding your step-son. My heart went out to you as I was reading your post. It sounds like this has been a rough year. The blending of families is a particularly challenging task, marked by its own characteristic set of problems and frustrations. But, I've also heard many stories that testify to the fact that these difficulties tend to lessen over time. In my time with Focus on the Family, I have the opportunity to become familiar with various resources they have available to help families thrive. This article http://bit.ly/HHdZRy and this one http://bit.ly/HcWDKq addresses a similar step parenting issue that you might find useful. The books, "Smart Stepfamily" by Ron Deal, and "Blended Families" by Maxine Marsolini also provide some advice that might help both of you walk through this season. Of course, if you'd like to talk about this with a counselor, please call. Their phone number is in the Q&A. Know that your family is in my prayers, Lindsey. Blessings!

Emily - posted on 04/01/2012

I will be honest. I think you're over-reacting. First off, please please please don't blame your stepson for trying to ruin your marriage. He's a NINE year old boy. He clearly has problems, but if anyone's going to ruin your marriage, it's you and your husband. You cannot put this on your stepson's shoulders.



Relationships with stepparents are delicate. Regardless of how much time he spends with you all, he still knows that his mom is not in his life and probably has a LOT of anger about this. The way he acts around you is going to be flavored by the emotion he feels about his mom. You can't take this personally. It just is what it is right now. Rather than try to *force* him to do things or force help on him, next time I'd ask him first if he wants help. Even though you were only trying to help him and you had the best intentions, that doesn't mean he's ready to accept that help from you. You shouldn't have to "fight him tooth and nail" for something like learning to mount a bike, something he didn't ask your help for. Save fighting tooth and nail for bigger things. So he threw a tantrum... kids do that. You have no reason to be embarassed about that. The more you react to his tantrums, the more dramatic he's going to be about it.



How long has he been living with you? If it were me, I'd seek help from some sort of professional, probably a family therapist.. not just for him, but for everyone. He needs an outlet to get out some of his emotions in a healthy way, and you all need to define your boundaries as a family, as parents.