What can I do my 3 year old hits bites kicks I do time out and I spank nothing works I need help???

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Michelle - posted on 12/19/2009

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Toddlers and preschoolers are still learning to master their world and understand their own emotions. When they get angry or frustrated, or even just tired, they don't have the higher level thinking or emotion regulation OR language to express it, so they resort to their instincts and that is to get it out physically or behaviorally. Behavior is the language of children so any time you are noticing behavior problems it's time to step back for a second and figure out what they are trying to express.

Identify for your child what they might be feeling. If they are hitting when you are telling them no, then say to them "It's okay to be mad at mommy but we use our words not our hands to tell mommy." If they are biting when a child is taking a toy you can say "It's okay to be angry that they are taking the toy, but we don't bite, biting hurts. Let's use our words." Be sure to GIVE THEM the words though. Practice with them what to say otherwise you can expect the same behaviors again and again.

Too often we consequence negative behavior without giving our children the appropriate tools to behave more positively in the future. Then we get upset when they don't act the way we want, but we didn't tell them how we WANT them to behave, only what not to do.

But also look at what's going on in your life. My son gets especially ornery and defiant when our lives are really busy and he's needing more one-on-one time with me or my husband. Sometimes when we are having a tough day behaviorally just taking a break and going for a walk or a quick trip to the park at the end of the street for some outdoor play time can turn everything around.

Celeste - posted on 12/20/2009

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There should be consequences for this behavior. Don't worry about what people say because if our child keeps doing this behavior the same people that complained about how you discipline your child will be the same people who will take about the child when they get older and still don't know how to behave. Try nipping your child when he bites. It might help. I know my son would throw and fit went we were out. When it was time to come inside he would fall to the ground kicking and screaming. I got tired of it one day and I fell to the ground and started kicking and screaming. He stopped and looked at me as though I were crazy. That was the last time he did that. Take your time I'm sure you'll find the right thing to stop this behavior. Good luck.

Teresa - posted on 12/19/2009

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I think you need to take control of your child. Don't worry about what people think and say. When your child acts up she needs to know that there are consequences to her actions. Time out is good, but if it doesn't work then perhaps removing a privleage. I would also try praising her good behavior more. And saying thank you for doing such a good job. Kids like that. Sometimes when they are looking for attention they do bad things cause it gets a reaction. Try to not make a big deal out of it and show her you will respond more to the positve behavior. Has there been a change in your household that she could be responding to in order to get attention?? Ask her why he acts like that, she may tell you. Remember she is only 3. You know your child best and as long as there is no abuse then to hell with what other people say if you raise your voice at her. Good luck. Hope this can help a bit.

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Drvaani - posted on 11/25/2012

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how can i make my 3 year old son not to b fussy n kind of relucatant in buying new toys everytime he goes out wid us...

he is into nursery class but is very ziddi kinds...

pl suggest how can i chanalize his energy...

Kerry - posted on 02/14/2010

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Tasha, speech therapy isn't going to help with the biting and throwing things, but a communication problem might explain the anger and frustration causing him to bite and throw. He may need help learning what to do with that anger and frustration and that he doesn't have to bite and throw things to feel better. Have you tried working with a therapist?

Tasha - posted on 02/13/2010

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i dont know what to do!!!! my oldest boy us 3 yrs old and my daughter is 1, my oldest bites him self throws things across the room, tells me no. bites other pepole. i have had him in speech thearpy and nothing has helped? what do i do im going crazii please give me some advice

Nancy - posted on 12/27/2009

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My daughter is soon to be 5 and we never went through biting or hitting, she got bit several times at daycare and the teachers knew not to tell me which child did it because I wanted to yank their teeth out for hurting my girl. If you're looking for effective means of discipline there's nothing wrong with spanking, only on the bottom and not too hard, but enough to get the point across, if you're against spnking try the boot camp method... make them stand in one spot with arms straight out, if the arm drops you make them start over. double the minutes according to age. If the child is 3 them it will be 6 minutes, at 4 them 8 minutes.. after a couple of times all you have to do is look at them and ask, "Do you want to hold your arms up again?" they immediately start behaving, when they get older make them do jumping jacks or push-ups or run in place... always do the time by their age and physical ability.

Kerry - posted on 12/26/2009

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I don't know how long these hitting & biting tantrums last, but when my son was 3 I'd have to restrain him to prevent him from hurting himself or more likely someone else (like me or my younger sons). He'd have tantrums outside where the police have stopped me several times asking me to prove he's my son.
If it's just a bit or hit - try holding his hands, making eye contact, and telling him firmly no hitting or biting, then tell him his punishment. (Maybe a time out.)
When I see a parent disciplining her child outside now - I make a point to congradulate them. Don't let the public opinion beat you.
My favorite was a mom with 2 little ones in the grocery store. The older one was about 3-4 and threw a can on the floor when he didn't get what he wanted. When he refused to pick it up he got a time out. At the end of the time out he had the option to pick it up or take another time out. She stayed there and sang a song with the younger child in the cart until he picked up the can and they were able to continue their shopping.
It was perfect discipline with follow-up, even in public.

Caitlin - posted on 12/26/2009

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and i kinda feel like when you hit your child for hitting you or someone..what is that teaching them? no dont hit me, as you are hitting them back? is it ok to hit for hitting? im still not sure of this...

Caitlin - posted on 12/26/2009

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my son is 2 and is doing the same thing minus the biting.. he punches me and my friends all the time and time-outs dont work, spanking doesnt work, taking things away doesnt work.. i need help too

Irene - posted on 12/26/2009

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immediately take something valuable to the child or what he/she is playing with at that time and tell them they cannot have it back until they stop. then keep it for a few minutes after that until they earn it back by being calm or apologizing. you could try that but don't give in when they freak out. the key is making them earn it back by better behavior.

Mary - posted on 12/25/2009

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I was raised that if I done that I would get hit, Bit or kicked back. I raised my son the same way. It didn't take long at all for him to stop that behavior. Now I am not saying to do it hard enough to really hurt them!! But just enough to let them know how it feels. And they don't get scarred for life, it helps to teach them right from wrong. You can't let what other people say stop you from disciplining your child.!

Christina - posted on 12/24/2009

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my daughter was 2 when we had that issue. she bit me on the leg one time and i pulled her pants down and bite her in the same spot and never had the problem again.

[deleted account]

Yeah, that is a tough age. I do recall that the biting usually occurs because of the child being unable to verbalize dislikes and frustrations (which are normal at that age). Have you tried to talk to him - I had a bout of my daughter biting when she was 2, and I sat her down and explained to her that I did understand that she was having trouble finding words to tell me that she was mad, but that biting was not a good way to express her feelings, that it would only make things worse. I then asked her, " so what are you feeling? Are you mad because you want a toy that someone else is using?", and so on. Taking their priced posessions away has been effective to me, but timeouts didn't really work at that age, they started becoming effective at age 4, that has been my experience. Well, good luck! I feel your pains :-)

Christie - posted on 12/23/2009

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My Daughter was biting and kicking when she started chreche. We started to bite, kick or slapping back as soon as she started. It is not nice but it worked. You can even when he bites someone els let that person/child bite him back.

Janis - posted on 12/23/2009

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If he cries and cries until he vomits, it could be he has a sensory processing problem. Have you ever had him examined by a psychologist or neuro-psychologist for sensory integration disorder? If this is the case, he may need ways to calm himself, such as a weight blanket or toy....or therapy from an occupational therapist. He could be seeking out stimulation due to his brain and nervous system (sensory processing) problem.

G - posted on 12/23/2009

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My son was a biter and a spitter when was 4 and younger. It was ough. I did try doing it back to him and eventually he stopped. they tend to act out more if there is a big change in the household. Re: Farina it could be because you are expecting. have you tried to get him involved and excited about being a big brother? I know people who have taken the older kids to check-ups with them so the older child could hear the hear beat and stuff. Others have taken the older child to sibling classes to teach them how to big brothers/sisters and that gets them excited. Just make sure he knows you will still always love him. I have learned with my son that a big things is consistency. Be sure that a specific behavior always gets punished and remember to praise their good behavior. Someone also mentioned "Love and Logic" That is a good program as well. Good luck.

Diana - posted on 12/23/2009

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Hi Rachelle
your 3yr old knows whats right and if he's constantly doin these things nothing stops a bitter but to bite him back trust me it works the first time if you bite him hard enuf, believe it.

Farina - posted on 12/22/2009

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Both time out & spanking didn't work for me n my son. Spanking will make him quiet but revengeful. He's so used to time outs that whenever we leave him in the room, he'll just continue crying for hours & hours & hours sumtimes till he vomitted, or till one of us (either me or hubby) spanked him..then he'll be quiet.omg..it's just terrible! Taking away faves does not work too. He just doesn't care anymore. U can take it n throw it away in the dustbin. when he's ok n we asked y did he do that, he just say 'i dunno..' My parents think it's because of me being prgnant. i dunno..

Janis - posted on 12/22/2009

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If you bite him back, be sure to say, "No biting. Biting hurts. Stop." Then say "Use your words". Time out will work with consistency and do it the first time he acts out. No warnings.

Jennifer - posted on 12/22/2009

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I have never had this problem, however I do know that biting back works. Bite him one good time and unless he is really daring he wont bite again. Try explaining to him why such actions are wrong and should not be done.

Sharon - posted on 12/22/2009

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Check out the book:" Raising your Spirited Child.". It has made a world of difference with our daughter, may or may not help you but hope it does help. We tried everything, there are just some kids that more more emotional, more sensitive, perceptive and have trouble expressing themselves. Anyway, good luck!

Alison - posted on 12/21/2009

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I find that after watching a few episodes of Supernanny, it is easier for me to see what I should be doing differently. I go to http://www.watch-series.com



Children do not have to be taught bad behaviour. They try something out, and if it gives them results they like, they continue to do it. He is getting a pay-off, whether he is getting his way or just getting attention from you, or the person he is biting. If you are consistant with negative consequences, he WILL stop doing it. It is human nature.

Carina - posted on 12/21/2009

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I had the same problem with my daughter last school year in the toddler little class. Het probleem was dat ze te slim is en ze zich verveelde. Ik heb het probleem kunnen oplossen door van school te veranderen waar ze wel de kindjes een klasje willen opschuiven en waar de klasjes kleiner zijn. Nu is ze weer gelukkig op school en dus ook thuis. Misschien is dit niet de oplossing voor jouw kindje, maar misschien toch eens over nadenken.

LETICIA - posted on 12/21/2009

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Rachelle, never spank your child. What you have to do is to make your child your friend and do a lot of teaching moments together. Yelling will not solve the problem. sometimes dont react (though annoying), sometimes you can sit him/her down and calmly have a talk with him/her.
you need a lot of patience to do that. rome wasnt built in a day and i'm sure you're already doing a good job. there's no perfect way of disciplining a child, you just have to be in tune with your child.

Mia - posted on 12/20/2009

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Children are children mostly they don't know what they doing you need a lot of patient ...



It goes like this try to think when you was a child and which one was more effected discipline your parents did to you.( a little confuse right ) Here's more trick in my own experienced ( when I was 1st met the child i usually observed and try to figured what they like and the weakest point -it's just like we doing experiment in high school - so you will gather all the observation and objection and apply what is the best move..



Sometimes a child could learn a bad behavior from the parents or what they see inside or outside at home..That make them doing the wrong things.. So initially stop spanking avoid anything about physical discipline mostly it doesn't work it would affect to their mental health.The more you do it the more they will do it too..In short try more effective in guiding and be gentle to the little one...



all you have to do more patient..patient.. trust me it works and if you lost control.. go outside take 5 minutes break and take a deep breath ..just to relax your mind ( children whining can cause us crazy and nuts )

Tobi - posted on 12/20/2009

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Is he your only child? Sometimes children tend to mimic behaviors they see from others. If he does not have siblings, maybe you have friends who have children that have acted out this way when he was smaller and he picked it up. Then on the other hand it can be viewed as a way that he shows emotions, which is not good because we have to learn to control our anger. Have you asked him when he gets upset why does he demonstrate those behaviors and why? And how he would feel if someone did that to him? Does he do this on a whim or just when he does not get his way or in defending himself?

Celeste - posted on 12/20/2009

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When I was a little girl my mother was afraid because I didn't eat. She took me to the doctor, he told her when she's hungry she will eat. Just make sure she drinks alot of milk.

Jacyntha - posted on 12/20/2009

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I'm not to this age with my daughter yet, but my mom told me that when my brother and I were litte....after she had tried EVERYTHING else, she bit us back, just once, and that's all it took. Apparently, we never bit anyone again after that! You might not want to try that, and I don't know if I will if/when I'm approached with the situation, but it worked for my mom, so it might work for you too. Good luck....

Neveen - posted on 12/19/2009

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i have the same problem, my 3 years old take this chance only in public, kicks bites spittes and screem....
in this country i can't even shout @ him, other wise they will call the police for me- it happened 2 times till now- so i am in stayen @ home all time, home become like jail for me now....
any advices? i tryed the time out didn't work, taking aways fav. he just go and sabotage somthing in the house, i can't be with him 24/7 cuz i have a 6 months baby as well need my attention, plus moving countries....
any idea? please?

Danelle - posted on 12/19/2009

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I'm not saying this is the right thing or wrong thing to do..it's all on how you take it. But when I was little, my mom used to bite me back..not super hard, just hard enough where I felt the discomfort. She said it didn't take me long to learn. Haha I didn't like it, so I stopped. Now, when my son gets to that point, if all else fails, I may try that. It just seems to work...I know others who have done that and it worked in no time.

Megan - posted on 12/19/2009

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I have been told by my doc & other moms that time outs/removing faves are the best ways to go. The biggest key is making sure the time outs are carried out properly and stay consistent w/ them. It can be daunting and frustrating to put them in time out again & again. We have been more consistent w/ our son who turns 3 in Feb. and recently he doesn't even need the timeout because he stops the behavior after a warning. Good luck!!

Rachelle - posted on 12/19/2009

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Yes I have asked her and I have taken away her favorite stuff!!! I even asked the doctor and he doesn't know either!!! I'm stuck

Leisa - posted on 12/19/2009

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take away their favourite and most prized toys for a day and tell them that they wont get it back till they behave. have u asked them y they do it?

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