what do I tell my husband when he says this?

Sharon - posted on 12/29/2009 ( 85 moms have responded )

24

7

0

We have serious issues with his family. His mother, brother etc. and he come's with the excuse of "blood being thicker than water". What is a good answer to this statement?? surely as his wife, I should be placed in a superior position to them, in levels of importance. . or am I wrong?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

CHRISTINA - posted on 01/06/2010

6

43

1

I've read all the responses and not knowing what you and your husbands spiritual beliefs are and if that would hold any weight with him, I started wondering.....maybe he can't stand up to his family? Has he ALWAYS been the one to "take care" of things? Do they use him? Is this what makes him feel important to them? That can be a tricky thing to get past but the bottom line is...what all the others on here have said..he didn't choose his relatives..however he did CHOOSE YOU to start his OWN FAMILY. When a man realizes that if he puts his wife above all others (except God) and cares for her needs both emotional and physical, making you feel like there's NOTHING he wouldn't do for you....you'll tend to be a little more forgiving on his needs and wants. It's a win, win situation. Pick your battles though..if his family is being mean to you..NO WAY don't back down. If it's just his family is a little to involved and a little to needy you'll have to wean him off of that. Stand up for yourself and be strong. Good luck!

Susan - posted on 01/03/2010

1

18

0

Sharon.

When you and your husband become one then you become his first priority then his children then family. Your husband need to cut the apron string with his mother tell his brothers and sisters father to all back off .you and your children are his family now and will always come first over anything else. and if his family dont like it stiff shit when he put that ring on your finger he made a vowl to love honour obay in sickness and health and forsacking all others and if he didn't mean it then why say it .It time that you stand up for yourself say what on your mind and if they dont like it tuff, they dont run around after him no more you do . tell him to grow some balls and wake up to him self and if he can't do that then show him the front door and tell him to use it and go back to his beloved mum the one that dose no wrong . Only tries to brakes up families oh no she dosen't do that cause she does no wrong how silly of me .one thing i hate is a mums boy.

Maggie - posted on 12/29/2009

818

24

47

It depends on the context of the conversation. There should be some boundaries (like no loaning/giving money, no suprise or extended visits, etc). You should try to compromise with him - he wants them to visit for a week, offer 3 days. Family is very important and whatever the issues are he's obviously very attatched to his family. You have to set the boundaries and then stick by them.

Remind him NICELY that he chose you to spend his life with so he needs to consider you when making decisions regarding his family..or really anything. Do it at a time when you are not already discussing/arguing the issue. It will sink in more if his defenses aren't already up and you are both calm.

Kiala - posted on 01/06/2010

29

14

3

No your are not wrong, i feel the same way i just have issues with somethings his family does. It is a touchy subject but he needs to know how you feel, or else you will develope a grudge against them all. Speak your mind... but that mother issue you have to let him go of that on his own time. My fiance didnt want to leave his mom for Christmas due to her husband passing last march & i wanted to spend it with my family in Texas (whom i havent been with for a holiday is 3 yrs) so i left him by hisself for Christmas & kept putting it in his head b4 & after the trip when you put other people b4 YOUR family that YOU'VE built you end up along... We are your family now its time to unlatch off the nipple & be THE MAN of YOUR family, Just remember yo momma aint gone be holdin you at night!!!

Amber - posted on 03/31/2012

39

1

2

“For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh, the man [is not] without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. Marriage is the foundry for social order, the fountain of virtue, and the foundation for eternal exaltation. Marriage has been divinely designated as an eternal and everlasting covenant. Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God. “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other.” Children born of that marital union are “an heritage of the Lord.” Marriage is but the beginning bud of family life; parenthood is its flower. And that bouquet becomes even more beautiful when graced with grandchildren.

Marriage is both a commandment and an exalting principle of the gospel. Because it is ordained of God,

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/20...

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/03/onenes...

This conversation has been closed to further comments

85 Comments

View replies by

Jacqueline - posted on 08/23/2012

1

0

0

I know how you feel i have the same situation with my husband. Me and my husband got into agrument because of his parents, he told me that his first priority was his parents no matter what eventhough im married with him and it really hurts me. But i told him that you shouldnt get married if you know that you still attached to your parents and you should marry them instead of me. People said that once you married you should build your own life with your wife or husband which is its not a case for him it feels like he just needed someone to be there for him, he not even a good father figure and also a husband. So i told him once again that if he doesnt cut that cord sooner or later he will end up alone.

@ sharon dont let his family get in the way be in charge do your part the hell with them.

MaryBeth - posted on 03/28/2012

4

0

1

Blood doesn't compare ever since the day you two became married... You aren't blood, YOU ARE CONNECTED BY THE SOUL!

Cynthia - posted on 03/27/2012

7

0

0

Nope! His mama can cook and wash for him then! Its hard to ask for 1st place when it comes to there moms but you should know when its crossing that line, of respect towards u...your his wife and your opinion and feelings should matter!

Brittany - posted on 01/04/2010

1

21

0

obviously he does not have his prioritys right.,u should be his number one

Coleen - posted on 01/04/2010

72

7

8

well if your not blood then what are you, certainly not water. This causes alot of arguments in families, I haven't given my husband a choice but he knows where his bread is buttered,I certainly don't stop him from trying to have relations with his family but he knows he has his own to worry about now. In times of crisis for sure spend as much time as he needs but the realisation that the more time he spends with them,his own suffers. If his is anything like my hubby's then i know they are demanding (especially his mother), but as we grow up we all become responsible for ourselves and not even the man upstairs can control our destiny sometimes....at the end of the day we really have control over our own actions.Not sure if he's the eldest or not but sometimes they seem to think they can control issues or circumstances easier outside the home, it gives them a sense of inferiority or something. Before you know it all kinds of rifts have been established then you feel no-one has control..His family shouldnt be leaning on him as much unfortuneatly there is no quick resolve and other than ultimatums the solution seems grim. Just as long as you have a strong backbone which is sounds like you do, let him be the great protector of all at the end of the day he is the one truly missing out with his beautiful wife and children......who knows then when day should come along if one of them are sick or worse dying, then you can hold your head up high knowing that you gave him that time and he cant hold you to ransome or try and make you feel guilty for it ..as most try to do....I hope this helps....As to what do you tell him, well only you have the power to control that as you live in the situation and it's a little too close to home for others to say...but if it is unbearable for you then you need to make yourself and your family happy and comfortable with whatever means possible....

Christina - posted on 01/04/2010

2

33

1

You don't mention what the serious issues are. If it is one family issue that involves everyone that keeps coming up, perhaps an objective perspective is needed for guidance now. Such as a pastor or counselor. Some good discussion may result in discovering what the core issue is and that will help resolve the conflict so everyone can move on with their lives.



Having said that, it sounds like you married a mama's boy. A reasonable, mature husband would hold the position as your partner and not foresake his own family responsibilties and obligations for extended family.

Shauna - posted on 01/04/2010

46

9

5

well i sent my ex to live with his blood because i got fed up with coming second maybe you should do the same as my ex is now desperate to come back but he can suffer.

Tara - posted on 01/04/2010

19

5

0

your not wrong. when you get married and have kids that is your FAMILY!! your parents and sibbling is now your extented family.. my daughter and my hubby will always come first!! and some men need that explained to them.. becuz some men want to hind behing mommy all the time.. i have the same problem.. and i basically tell him to kiss it that our daughter comes first then i will come second only to our daughter.. soo i mean find a nice way to explain that to him.. if you want to talk more since i go threw the same thing feel free to message me.. and good luck!!

Alicia - posted on 01/04/2010

21

3

1

I don't feel that you are wrong at all. If the issues with his family are creating problems within your household I do believe that you should stand firm. We have all heard of the saying that your husband is quoting but ask him has read his Bible lately. "Man shall leave his mother and cling unto his wife" Its okay for him to care about his family but remind him that now his immediate family consists of you and your children. And no other people walking this earth are to come before them. I know it is fustrating because I have lived it. But try to talk about it with him when you are calm so that you can state your case without it seeming like anger is motivating your words. Hopefully he will be open to listen and take into consideration your feelings. Also Question how would he feel and what would he do if the shoe was on the other foot.

Lucinda - posted on 01/04/2010

2

10

0

I agree! You are now THE most important person in his life,and he needs to start treating you as such!!

Wadzanai - posted on 01/04/2010

2

26

0

Post a reply!
well remind him of what the bible says when a man and woman marry. If that does not work play at his game put your birth family first and observe if he would like it.

Anita - posted on 01/04/2010

251

9

7

Yes, you should be FIRST priority. Like Melissa said maybe he wants to go back and live with them? Is he trying to tell you something?

Jacquie - posted on 01/03/2010

14

21

0

I would ask him who he would rather sleep with...you or relatives. I hope you get the right answer you want to hear! LOL

Melody - posted on 01/03/2010

4

24

0

Of course you should. Men tend to compare their wives to their mothers; Hmmm reality check! Mom will never know her little boy more than his wife. How would he respond if you were to put your friends and family before him. Not so comforting when the shoes on the other foot.

Marihett - posted on 01/03/2010

69

29

0

It took my husband nearly 10 years to put me first. His mother has always been first.
I stopped going there, and he had to go alone. I stopped talking to her as she was very judgemental.
When our son was born, I gave her an ultimatum, "you respect me as your grandson's mother & I'll respect you as my husband's mother" He understood since then that I was serious about being first in his life.

Good luck, inlaws are never easy

Abba - posted on 01/03/2010

23

37

1

Hi,
I really feel you and your husband should sit down and have a long talk about this.
Boys are born mummy's boys. And there's nothing you can do about that. But he also needs to understand that his children and you will always come first now. And if he thinks different then he's on the wrong planet. And his mother should also respect this.
My husband's mother and I haven't always been close. But now I can officially say we have a very strong bond. She is there for me. And if I need someone to listen to me bitch about my husband she will listen but she will also weigh things out for me, so that I can try to see it from both points of view. If me and my mother in-law have a problem we talk about it and clear the air. My husbands older brother though doesn't like me and neither does his aunt and uncle. And my husband barely has anything to do with them, because he says I come first (joint with our daughter). He lost me once before for his friends, and I doubt he'll ever choose anyone over me again, unless I'm in the complete wrong. My husbands only 19, as well as I am. But we are both very mature for our age. And I think your husband needs to do a bit of growing up himself. If a 19 year old can be mature about things he can too. :)

Louise - posted on 01/03/2010

1

0

0

Hi blood maybe be be thinker than water but what he needs to be reminded he chose you and you dont chose your family and if he cant see that then he is a fool x

Annmarie - posted on 01/03/2010

30

36

0

mmm interesting arguement. you need to talk to your husband when u are both calm. tell him u understand that his family are important to him but that u want decisions that involve u, your time,money and household to be discussed and settled before any other family are involved. this includes your family as well.



you need to work as a couple first in the nuclear family then include the extended family. also give him a gentle reminder that extended family become second to the nuclear family thats why its the extended family .



hope this helps and good luck

annmarie

Jill - posted on 01/03/2010

96

6

2

I'd tell him he should have thought about "blood being thicker than water" when he said "I do". Maybe he missed the vows and should reread them a little bit. I don't remember my vows talking about "Mommy." That's just me though. You are completely right, you and the family you two share should ALWAYS come first. Men definately have a problem with this though cuz i still deal with it.

Laura - posted on 01/03/2010

4

20

0

Hey, simply ask him why he thinks you are water? Then ask him if your children are half bread of water and blood, tell him your view is as important as theres

Carol - posted on 01/03/2010

1

3

0

When we married we became joined as one. God says you should love you wife/husband more than anyone including your children.

Jennifer - posted on 01/02/2010

9

14

0

Quoting Lei-Sea:

I think that the answer I would give would have to be that yes, blood is thicker than water, but you choose me, so you need to stick with that choice. I do believe that compromise is important to a point... but it must be on both sides. Marriage vows usually stated that you will love, honor and cherish each other above (sometimes it is stated as forsaking) all others. There is no bi-law in there that says except my extended family. They became extended for a reason.



"They became extended for a reason." LOVE IT.

Lei-Sea - posted on 01/02/2010

12

7

1

I think that the answer I would give would have to be that yes, blood is thicker than water, but you choose me, so you need to stick with that choice. I do believe that compromise is important to a point... but it must be on both sides. Marriage vows usually stated that you will love, honor and cherish each other above (sometimes it is stated as forsaking) all others. There is no bi-law in there that says except my extended family. They became extended for a reason.

Emily - posted on 01/02/2010

2

26

0

I think you have to respect the closeness he has to his mother and brother but also YOU are his wife and he needs to consider you right up there with them. I don't think he should have to decide who is more important...y'all are just important in different ways.

Dee - posted on 01/02/2010

1

8

0

Well you are part of his family now and you should come first hun. Thats a cope out when he says that.When two get together they become one.

Ellen - posted on 01/02/2010

51

12

14

his main priority should be (how I see it) 1: his kids 2: you 3: family 4:friends 5:himself
But thats just how I see it.

[deleted account]

Tell him to suck it! Tell him that he can get married to his family and that YOU should be his primary focus (of course, within limits :-)

Kimberly - posted on 01/02/2010

8

12

0

you would think so but i don't know why his family should be more important than you his wife and mother of his children. KimMartin

Consolata - posted on 01/02/2010

37

20

0

I would advice that you make and effort to accommodate his family, but let him know that you would only do this if he understands and agrees that you are his first priority and that his family must take second place. But in my experience in marriage you have two people from 2 different backgrounds and 2 different relationships with their parents and siblings. And this calls for a keen understanding of the situation and some much needed compromise on both sides. Communication and Understanding is the KEY.

FARHANA - posted on 01/02/2010

46

9

8

Hi, funny enuf, I just had an issue regarding the 'in-laws' & to cool off I get onto Circle of Moms & wow, wat a co-incidence! I hav to agree dat it depends on the situation & wat the request or demand is. My situation is, mom in law disowned us approx 10yrs ago and abt a year ago reached out to make amends. I gladly accepted becos I know no matter wat, my husband loves his mom deeply. However I did lay down some cond, which @ da tym was, I can only offer wat I CAN GIVE. Since den, the relationship has improved. Funny thing though, my husband battles to hold a conversation with his mom and insists dat we come wid wen he wants to visit her. Yesterdays fite was, we made plans to spend the day as a family (we only take Xmas & New year off as we work 7days a week). Mom in law calls to be picked up from home to be dropped off @ her sisters place. As far as Im concerned it wasnt an emergency and he does have 2 other brothers. Time is a huge pblm for us becos of our work so we grab every free hour or day we can to be 2gether and give our kids the time dey deserve. I have made it clear on numerous occassions dat our family is (hubby, me & kids). Our needs come first unless der is an emergency on either side. I must admit I do hav to remind him of this from time to time (guess its the recessive male gene...lol). I would say reach a compromise. What we have done is put one day a week if possible depending on my kids needs for the weekend (projects, activities, etc). On dis day I will spend time with my family wid kids for the morning & after hubby gets from work , we will visit mom in law for the evening. His family must not expect us to drop everything to fit in wid their plans unless its an emergency (someone is hurt or dying). I hope things work out for you & wish you all the best, Take care, Farhana

Tonya - posted on 01/02/2010

17

27

0

I think that there's a lot more to this than you have told us- I understand that a wife and husband should be priorities in our lives, but should we really be in a "SUPERIOR" position to all the other people our spouse loves at all times? I mean, think if the situation were reversed- would you want him to make you put him before your family, ALWAYS? What if your mom needed help or was sick, but he had to "come first" or be in a superior position to her?

When it comes to family, you REALLY need to understand that BOTH of you have to deal with each other's famly members for as long as you are together. I had a really hard time coming to terms with this with my husband's family.... it took me many years to understand that in my case, I was feeling insecure about myself and so wanted constant reassurance that he loved me more than them. this put him in a really difficult position, because his one sister really didn't have anyone else to turn to, and her health issues meant that she needed a lot of help with stuff. Over the years we have been able to talk things out and make some compromises, I've changed my expectations about what makes me feel I'm a top priority to him... and whether this is something similar to what YOU are experiencing or not, I just want to point out that no matter what all the other respondants are saying YOU are the one who has to make your marriage work. telling him about what the bible says or that he chose you over them... it isn't going to work. TRUST me- and try to talk to him about how you feel and why. use specific situations and try really hard not to accuse him of loving you less than them. If verbal conversations don't work out, try an email or letter. it's hard but it can get better.

Anneice - posted on 01/02/2010

10

9

2

PS. without you all his family can do is offer him lotion to cool the calluses on his hands! Put an S on your chest, grab a hula hoop and laso that puppy in!

Anneice - posted on 01/02/2010

10

9

2

Quoting Sharon:

what do I tell my husband when he says this?

We have serious issues with his family. His mother, brother etc. and he come's with the excuse of "blood being thicker than water". What is a good answer to this statement?? surely as his wife, I should be placed in a superior position to them, in levels of importance. . or am I wrong?



True blood is thicker than water but blood is not strong enough to break the bond that god yoked together with the two of you. you should remind him that when you all took your vows you two became ONE therefor you are his blood as he is yours. you two mixed blood and formed a new blood. he chose you to be on his side too compliment him. Through the blood YOU are there. Can his blood please him the way YOU can? Can they satisfy his needs? point blank his momma cant give it to him the way YOU can. Plus the bible says that when a man takes his wife he is to LEAVE his mother and father and STICK to his wife and vice versa. i went through that with my hubby and girl when i seen it start i used to wisper in his ear all the freaky things I do to him and for him! heck i used to do it right in front of them lets go babe let me please you right now or you can stay right here with your momma. and before long it was all about me. love your family yes. but KNOW that it is I that  bring u satisfaction that his family NEVER can compare to. then you shall recieve the respect you deserve family will take you down if you let them. dont nag let him always crave your opinion we women have a gift use it!! make him understand that  yalls blodd is the thickest of all!! 

Haley - posted on 01/01/2010

105

21

11

girl aint no way ur wrong. extricate urself from the situation, to where u can show him time and time again that he is chosing his family over you. however if it is financial interminglings which are the issue, u gotta grab him by the balls and show him who is boss.

Angelique - posted on 01/01/2010

6

25

0

I had a similar problem with my husband's brother. My husband would not believe me when it came to getting threats from his brother until I showed him an e-mail I received; he called him on the spot and blasted him for causing all these problems. Since then, I haven't had any problems.I guess it just comes down to prioritizing: either he makes a stand and sticks up for you- like he should have from the beginning!- or you send him packing. It's not always easy but it has to be done. Believe it or not, the day he shose YOU to be his WIFE, he also chose to support you through thick and thin. Maybe you should also remind his of his VOWS!!!!!

H.J - posted on 01/01/2010

279

32

14

Tell him When you married me I became your family, therefore I am blood too!!!

Jackie - posted on 01/01/2010

10

55

0

In regards to your own kids, you know whats best for your child, not them. You feed, clothe, bathe, nourish, and spend quality time with your child. You have the special bond with your child and that instinct is stronger than what they have to say, in my opinion. That cliche isnt always right...Good luck!

Jane - posted on 01/01/2010

206

7

33

You should definitely be the most important thing. His family will always be part of his - and therefore your - life, but you should come first, just like he does with you. As someone else has suggested, you need to sit down and talk about this when you are not arguing. Explain just how much this is hurting you and if you cannot come to an agreement you are both happy with it is going to grow into a big issue that could cause a rift between you.

Lisa - posted on 01/01/2010

15

30

0

You are right especially if you have been together for a good amount of time. You are supposed to be a team you need to be reasonable but he should stand by you.

Crystal - posted on 12/31/2009

2

25

0

Not sure what your spritual beliefs are, but the Bible states when you are joined in marriage under God, you become one with your husband and it should be God, your husband, children and then extended family, I went through the same issue in my marriage and it can be very difficult but if your husband is choosing his family over you that is wrong, you two are EQUAL maybe let him know it's time to cut the apron strings and if he is unable to respect you as a wife, maybe counseling will help give him some insight... good luck and God Bless!

Meagan - posted on 12/31/2009

30

12

0

so is he calling u water? excuse my language but what a lil bitch! tell him his head is thicker than blood!

Amy - posted on 12/31/2009

50

22

2

I just read parts of this to my husband, and within a second he said "Yeah, that's not gonna fly." It's good that he has a strong relationship with his family, but both they and he need to remember that his family is now you, he, and the children. Everyone else comes second. All decisions should be with the thought of "What is in the best interest of our family." Also, try reminding him, politely of course, that at the end of the day, it is YOU, not his mother, that he snuggles up to at night. Suggest he try it the other way around and see how far it gets him. Also, try talking to his mother and brother and explain that they are putting a strain on your marriage you would appreciate them taking a step back (remember their place).

Emily - posted on 12/30/2009

34

22

0

Cleave unto your wife, husband etc. is what is said in the bible. Not cleave unto your wife, second mother first... He needs to realize he chose you for a wife, and was born into his family, BUT chose to leave them and start a family with you. Best of Luck!

Nadia - posted on 12/30/2009

3

12

0

Yes you are right, that was one of the reasons I got a divorce.. his family minding my business and him always taking his family side instead of mine.. Thats not going to change I tried everything for 3 yrs till I couldn't take it anymore

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms