What do you do when your 11 yr old boy pushes you?

Christina - posted on 02/05/2011

My oldest is 10, and if he ever laid his hands on me, I would knock him out. Then his dad would have a turn. I love my children, and I do not beat them in any way, but if my child thinks he is old enough to lay his hands on me, he better be ready for the consequences that come.

Lesa - posted on 02/04/2011

Tara, violence breeds violence. You need to battle this with brains now! If it were me, the minute my son tried to physically fight me would be the minute that all fun stopped! No video games, no friends, no going out, no tv! He can read a book, do homework, go to bed, school, and that's it. Take everything until he learns to be helpful and respectful.

This is his cry for help. You need to talk with your son and teach respect by giving it. Its hard but, it works. Give him lots of love and encouragement for good behavior and make sure bad behavior has consequences that he can learn from. He may seem big but he's still a child and has a lot to learn from you. So work on encouraging that good behavior when it comes with love and attention.

Remember how you felt when you were that young.
And never use physical punishment again, use words of wisdom! Guide him with advice and listen to his needs.

H.J - posted on 08/23/2009

Tara H, I was just curious has your son tried to push you since you posted originally?

Ashley - posted on 08/21/2009

i know if i had ever shoved my mom i would get my ass beat and i would do the same if my daughter was to ever push me...

Ashley - posted on 08/21/2009

i know if i had ever shoved my mom i would get my ass beat and i would do the same if my daughter was to ever push me...

Ashley - posted on 08/21/2009

i know if i had ever shoved my mom i would get my ass beat and i would do the same if my daughter was to ever push me...

Tara - posted on 08/21/2009

Quoting Hayley:

Tara C I think your post by far has been the most useful so far! It may be worth while for you Tara H to look into the research Tara C has mentioned.

Angela is right in that you should not threaten that you should give one warning. "If you don't do your chores than xyz" will happen works wonders if you carry it out immediately and don't say it 3-4 times.

I totally agree telling a kind what is going to happen more than once is futile because they learn that you wont do anything to them and that you dont mean what you say

Samantha - posted on 08/21/2009

Wow, I couldn't read through it all, but I read enough to know what the question was and how it all got off topic. Let me start by saying that I do believe in spanking children who DESERVE it. Tara, I read many times how you reffered to each one of your children, responding differently to each "punishment" for lack of a better word, and as a mother of 2 I have to agree. It seems to me like you know what your doing and so far so good. And the best part is that you have a husband who is on your side and thats wonderful, because it truly shows team work. This is obviously a very touchy subject and to each its own, and I have to commend you on your patience in handling posts that suggest that you are an abusive parent. As a mother, we all know how hard it is (some more than others) to raise children, provide for them and ask for nothing in return with the exception of respect. As far as your 11 year old, you did say that he has a condition, and that must be hard to deal with alone, from what you described, as your reaction, it is my opinion that your actions were on point. There was no physical abuse, or profanity (I'm assuming) and you isolated him until dad came home, which is a good thing, because that alone time helps them relax and think about what just happened/what they did. Now I have a few personal reasons behind my support of spanking. I have noticed that parents who have older children in their teens and up who brag about never having put a finger on their child or never punishing them, turn out to have the most rude, spoiled, disrespectful, nasty kids. Kids who think that they can be whatever and do whatever and will never be disciplined for it. And there are so many adults out there right now who grew up and no matter what they did were never disciplined and are out there in the world learning it the hard way. We have to teach our children to be respectful of others, and that begins in the home. No matter what condition your child has including autism, if you don't discipline your child and teach them respect someone will for you, and that scares me straight! Let me give you a story behind that! I know a mom who her son is now 28 years old and like many moms today when her son was young and did things that he should have been disciplined for, she just sat down and talked to him. The dad was never around and from things like lighting a match and spraying a can of aersol hair spray and almost burning down the house, to bullying kids and hitting girls, his mom never did anything... But that child didn't stay small, little kids grow up to be adults, and one day this kid who was now a man, said the wrong thing to the wrong person and ended up in a hospital bed for a few weeks, with broken bones including his jaw, leg, ribs, blot clots in the brain and a numerous amount of things. That mother was in so much pain seeing her son in that condition and to be honest, before I ever let society deal with my kids behavior, like what happened to this guy, I rather deal with them myself and teach them to respect and behave when they are young and I have the control to raise them well enough for the world. I rather spank my 4 year old when he does something bad than wait 20 years to him get disciplined in the street. Good Luck Tara, and Good luck to all of us moms, who are just doing the best we can to raise our kids the best way we know.

H.J - posted on 08/21/2009

Tara C I think your post by far has been the most useful so far! It may be worth while for you Tara H to look into the research Tara C has mentioned.



Angela is right in that you should not threaten that you should give one warning. "If you don't do your chores than xyz" will happen works wonders if you carry it out immediately and don't say it 3-4 times.

H.J - posted on 08/21/2009

Quoting Antoinette:

Im so glad that Ashley and Hayley fell asleep and maybe when they awake they would close the door on their glass houses.

Thankyou Antionette, I do think that I can see through obsticles rather than the walls around us!

I would rather give constructive feedback than sit on egg shells and worry about who I may or may not offend!

Antoinette If you look at the saying "Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones!" it means to curb freedom of speach which neither Ashley or I have done! Quiet the contrary actually! We have inacted our right to freedom of speach in that we should never ever leave an injustice when you have seen one.

Tara - posted on 08/20/2009

I think it's great that you and your husband worked together on this. I also think that talking with children after the punishment to help them understand why it's wrong also helps. You also mentioned ADHD OCD and rage disorder I was just wondering if you have looked into the research that links these kinds of disorders to vitamin deficencies (sp) ? I've only heard a little about it from friends of mine but it sounds like it's worth looking into.

Antoinette - posted on 08/19/2009

Im so glad that Ashley and Hayley fell asleep and maybe when they awake they would close the door on their glass houses.

Amy - posted on 08/18/2009

Forgot to add: When my son was 11 I was a green belt in jujutsu. If he had pushed me I would have put him in a wrist lock and asked whether he was done, or whether I had to throw him (as in judo). It helps to project that kind of presence.

Amy - posted on 08/18/2009

Well, I heard about a woman who punished her child by making them wash out his mouth with dishwasher detergent. I think she thought it was soap. It caused terrible chemical burns and she was convicted of child abuse.

I think that people do harmful things without meaning to harm because they just don't know. I believe that Ashley is correct about the harm that can be done through bastinado, and I also agree with Dian that she loves her children and would never intentionally harm them. Though I have to admit that I thought the dishwasher detergent mom was a menace to society, so I can see where Ashley was coming from.

Dian - posted on 08/13/2009

Quoting Ashley:

Wow. Dian? You are probably the sickest person I have conversed with in my whole life. What you described doing to your child is called "bastinado" and is one of the cruelest forms of torture. The foot is an extremely fragile and delicate machine. There are numerous bones, tendons, joints, muscles and tissues which are vulnerable to significant injury. The nerves on the soles of the feet are extremely sensative because most of the bodies nerve system has nerve endings which are somewhat exposed in the feet. Thus, the last hit will hurt as much as the first, they don't get "numb" so hitting there can cause damage over the entire body not just the foot. What country are you in out of curiosity? I am completely appauled and disgusted by you. Someday you will cower before God as He extends His wrath upon you for the atrocities you have committed aganst mere children and you will be lucky if you last until that day and never run into a woman like myself who would happily put you right in your place.

lol-- rest assured there is law and law enforcement in my country so you can rest easy. God (& not you) WILL judge me as a person, parent and believer.  Thread is getting old-- if it gets too negative for you, Ashley, just resist the temptation to post replies! Good luck parenting all of us~!  

Samantha - posted on 08/11/2009

Its hard in these days parents have NO rights any more, kids know they can walk alover us so they do!!!!!! Every child is differnt and u just gotta do what u gotta do.....

Latonya - posted on 08/09/2009

I would have to spank his butt, then tell him the reason why you spank him. hopefully after the spanky he will not push u again.

H.J - posted on 08/08/2009

At least we have the internet these days to get more ideas and info and hear from people who are not like minded in their child rearing practices so that you can get fresh, new and innovative ideas. If every one around you has the same ideas how are you gonna change for the better?

Tara - posted on 08/08/2009

Thank you Hayley I know that you don't perse see things my way or agree with my actions but I see that you are now trying to help with true suggestions instead of suggestions shrowed in judgement and insult

Ellie - posted on 08/08/2009

I understand the points that some of these other ladies have made about not using violence... But I happen to be a mother who remembers what it's like to grow up and the respect I had for my elders! ---I would push him right back and land him on his ass to put the fear of God in him. YOU are the adult and he will NOT treat you that way!

H.J - posted on 08/08/2009

I found some interesting quotes while I was doing some research I thought might be of some use to some people on here.



If the child knows the rewards and punishments in advance and knows that his parents will stick to them, the parents can actually empathize with the child's plight while, at the same time, creating a firm sense of structure.... Your child will sense your resolve and your empathy whether you do this with words or just a sense of warmth.

[Stanley I. Greenspan (20th century), U.S. clinical professor of psychiatry, behavioral sciences, pediatrics, and author. Playground Politics, ch. 8 (1993).]



In child rearing it would unquestionably be easier if a child were to do something because we say so. The authoritarian method does expedite things, but it does not produce independent functioning. If a child has not mastered the underlying principles of human interactions and merely conforms out of coercion or conditioning, he has no tools to use, no resources to apply in the next situation that confronts him.

[Elaine Heffner (20th century), U.S. psychiatrist and author. Mothering, ch. 9 (1978).]



Without a sense of the shame or guilt of his or her action, the child will only be hardened in rebellion by physical punishment. Shame (and praise) help the child to internalize the parent's judgment. It impresses upon the child that the parent is not only more powerful but also right. Like the Puritans, Locke (in 1690), wanted the child to adopt the parent's moral position, rather than simply bow to superior strength or social pressure.

[C. John Sommerville (20th century), U.S. professor of history, and author. The Rise and Fall of Childhood, ch. 12 (rev. 1990).]



The attempt to be an ideal parent, that is, to behave correctly toward the child, to raise her correctly, not to give to little or too much, is in essence an attempt to be the ideal child—well behaved and dutiful—of one's own parents. But as a result of these efforts the needs of the child go unnoticed. I cannot listen to my child with empathy if I am inwardly preoccupied with being a good mother; I cannot be open to what she is telling me.

[Alice Miller (20th century), German psychoanalyst and author. For Your Own Good, "Sylvia Plath: An Example of Forbidden Suffering," (trans. 1983).]



Whenever reality reinforces a child's fantasised dangers, the child will have more difficulty in overcoming them...So, while parents may not regard a spanking as a physical attack or an assault on a child's body, the child may regard it as such, and experience it as a confirmation of his fears that grown-ups under certain circumstances can really hurt you.

[Selma H. Fraiberg (20th century), U.S. child psychoanalyst. The Magic Years, ch. 1 (1959).]

H.J - posted on 08/08/2009

My goodness I just logged on after 24hrs and I will agree with Tara this topic has gone way off course... Tara asked for advice on what she could do better.



So I'm going to give some advice given to me by a collage lecturer friend whom I have been discussing this forum with. She said "until we are put into a family situation we can never judge a parent or their decisions; however we can be there for them to lend a helping hand when needed."



In my years in child care I learned one lesson "Parents and caregivers need to be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind" this came from the circle of security model made by a team of psychologists to help with children with difficult backgrounds, additional needs and behavioural problems.



You don't need to punish a child to teach them what they are doing is wrong. This example can be adapted according to your child's age. My son went to hit me today, Instead of yelling at him as he swung his hand at me to hit me. I said "you know if you hit mummy you will make her cry" he looked puzzled and lowered his hand and asked why? I told him that hitting hurts and explained times when he had hurt himself and that he cried. He gave me a big hug and said "I don't yant (want) mummy to be sad, I'm sad" we then discussed (at a 3yr old level) why he was sad. We then changed the whole situation.



Next time he tries to push you Tara, try turning it on him and ask him how he would feel if you pushed him? I bet he will come up with a smart comment like "you wouldn't hurt me" but then explain the full consequences of his actions. Also explain why he needed to do his chores.



Kids usually want attention and will look to get it by any means available to them. In the situation you described he was being defiant and testing the waters the same way a crocodile will when it gets bigger to see where the boundaries lye.



You need to cut out the behaviour straight away so that he doesn't try it again. He will try a second time but if you respond consistently by doing what you did. This time give him one warning the second time send him to sit down and not move until he is ready to do what you asked.



If he is watching TV turn it off, if he turns it back on pull it out of the plug and stand in his way and tell him he doesn't get the privilege of TV until he does his chores to earn it.



By the way this is a forum about Children not religion so please stop preaching because it has nothing to do with the discussion. If Tara or any one else wanted to hear a sermon they would go to church.



At the end of the day Tara find what works and go with it if it isn't working change it. The biggest advice I can give you Tara is be consistent. If he knows that next time he does it what the punishment is he might just think twice about doing it. Make the consequence for subsequent times a bit more severe. e.g. the first time he goes to the "naughty corner" is 11 minutes, the next time you send him he gets double time,. so on and so forth.



I wish you the best of luck, let me know how you go and what you decide is the best method for you because I know in time I might need to fall back on what worked for somebody else or need to get new ideas.

Tara - posted on 08/07/2009

at this point I can't help but to laugh at some of these posts. I am not here to insult or be insulted. last I checked I will face god in due time and I know where I stand with him. That is what really matters to me anyway

Ashley - posted on 08/07/2009

Quoting Tara:

wow Ashley? Its funny to me that you keep talking about god but how u do this while constantly judging ppl and their acts? I think that is kinda contradicting don't you?

No Tara, what I find funny is that you find that funny.  As long as you preach your lies I am obligated to stand against it. 1 John 4:1 "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world." ... John 7:24 "Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment."...My rebuking you is not a sin either. Leviticus 19:17 "Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt."...Psalm 50:21 "These things you have done and I kept silent; you thought I was altogether like you. But I will rebuke you and accuse you to your face." You can call yourself a Christians but there are many kinds. You seem to be the kind to pick the quotes you want and throw them around to cover your sins as if they were an all redeeming blanket that you can just say things like "I will pray for you" and "God bless". If you wish to have intillectual discourse with me , you first must have at least a hair of intelligence. Do not pretend to know the word of God to someone who is more well versed in it than you can ever hope to be, you just embarass yourself.

Angela - posted on 08/07/2009

Don't Threaten Do! If he gets away with pushing you..it will escalate!

Tara - posted on 08/07/2009

Ashley I do pray that your children always stay as poster children. I hope that none of them end up head strong or go thru a rebelous phase. I am certain that you would not be able to handle that or you will lock them away when all they needed was a stern force in their life and not just hugs. I really wish however you could see the difference in physical punishment and abuse..... That is a very strong word and should only be used in appropriate situations. I was more worried that I did not do enough because the funny thing about all of this is that he never even got a spanking of any kind for this action, he got his father letting him know what would happen if it happen again he lost his ps2 and tv and pc for at least a week but had to earn each item back with good behavior the 2 of us had a long conversation after we were both calm enough to talk about it, I did how ever hold him against the fridge but that was more restraint then anything and was put in another room forced to sit there until his father got home (about 20 min) I do believe in spanking but not for everything that is only last resort by the way all of those items that he had lost were already out of his room and he was scheduled originally to get them back that day.

Ashley - posted on 08/07/2009

Tara, it is apparent you did not come here for help or advice, you came here to be validated. You have not thanked or at the very least acknowledged the good advice you have been given by several of us. Instead, you come back with more excuses, explanations and so on for what happens in your home. That is a classic example of what an abuser does. You tell us how your methods don't work then tell us not to down your methods. If you want to continue the vicious cycle that has turned your home into a place of fear, your child abusive and you insane then you certainly have had enough other nut cases validate your position, I wish nothing but peace for you and your family and will pray you all remain safe. good luck. This post is wearing on me and is NOT the kind of negativity aI need or want in my life. I am nothing short of amazed to find out that mothers who look just like everyone else can in all reality be monsters in disguise leading their families down a dangerous path of destruction paving it with lies,excuses, forms of torture outlawed in most countries, fear and pain that most of us have been spared, even in our nightmares. If nothing else good can come of this, we can at least say we have been warned and are no longer in the dark. I beg you mothers who can still reason to never forget what you have seen here.

Tara - posted on 08/07/2009

Jennifer, what are you at a loss about? Maybe I can explain. This whole thing has gone into left field if you ask me. But that is ok I guess.

Tara - posted on 08/07/2009

wow Ashley? Its funny to me that you keep talking about god but how u do this while constantly judging ppl and their acts? I think that is kinda contradicting don't you?

Tara - posted on 08/07/2009

rebecca u apparently did not read where I said that there are not marks left on my child everyone please read all posts! b4 u down me and my methods

Bilyana - posted on 08/07/2009

I can't agree with that comment. There is a book I read called "No Fear". It's by a police officer who has over 20 years of data on violence. He says in his book that there is a severe escalation of violence, assault, felony crimes, etc by young teens. He says that over 98% of those teens come from households that do not spank or use any type of corporal punishment. He cites one situation where he was called out on a domestic violence call. When he got there, the 14 year old son had shattered a window, put a hole through the wall and broken his father's nose. When he questioned the parents, they stated they would never lay a hand on their son....that they raised their child without violence. He says this is a fairly typical scenerio. How ironic.



Your comment is very common. It's a lot of misguided advise that breeds contempt for adults and gives power to children who aren't ready to handle it yet. The statistics say so.



Tara, you did the right thing. Your husband did the right thing.

Susan - posted on 08/07/2009

Tara,

This convo. has gone really off course. I have an 11 year old who is a hand-full. I use the following: Take away TV or video games (that usually works), then I go to grounding from friends.....each kid is different. What works for one, may not work for the next.

Brandi - posted on 08/07/2009

Beat his butt b4 he gets to the point he starts hitting you. My teen girl jumped @ me I grabed her neck threw her on the bed and told her butt she aint grown ill beat you if you ever jump at me again. Then dial 911 for him cause thats what these schools teach these kids. Child abuse. nope its called old school.

Jennifer - posted on 08/07/2009

I posted this without reading the rest first... I am at a loss now. Wow.

Jennifer - posted on 08/07/2009

You threatened him with violence so he responded with it. Hitting is not an effective tool for teaching respect; it only teaches a child to fear and resent you.

The only thing you can do now is sit down with him and have a talk about mutual respect. Explain that as he gets older he will have more responsibilities(chores) but also more independence. Maybe the 2 of you could work out a deal like if he mows the lawn he gets an extra hour of tv or internet time kinf of thing.

Ashley - posted on 08/07/2009

Wow. Dian? You are probably the sickest person I have conversed with in my whole life. What you described doing to your child is called "bastinado" and is one of the cruelest forms of torture. The foot is an extremely fragile and delicate machine. There are numerous bones, tendons, joints, muscles and tissues which are vulnerable to significant injury. The nerves on the soles of the feet are extremely sensative because most of the bodies nerve system has nerve endings which are somewhat exposed in the feet. Thus, the last hit will hurt as much as the first, they don't get "numb" so hitting there can cause damage over the entire body not just the foot. What country are you in out of curiosity? I am completely appauled and disgusted by you. Someday you will cower before God as He extends His wrath upon you for the atrocities you have committed aganst mere children and you will be lucky if you last until that day and never run into a woman like myself who would happily put you right in your place.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/07/2009

Quoting Kristina:

Tara,
You came to this forum for help and what you ended up with is judgement and accusations. None of these women can make an accurate assessment of you or your children without even knowing you/them. I met a woman in my OB's office who had a masters in Early Childhood Development and she had 4 children. She considered herself an expert in raising children, she was a teacher for 8 years. She told me whenever she saw an ill behaved child, she would always blame the parent for not "controlling" their children and was sure that if you parented correctly, you would be rewarded with a well behaved child. She said she now knows all that is bologna. Some children require more, and just because others do not agree, you can take heart that some of us do. Obviously you are a good mother who cares about doing the right thing. Ignore the rants of people who quote scripture then judge and admonish you, I pray God does not test them with a difficult child. One last thing, if you can get him involved in a youth group at a local church, you may find he will gain some self esteem and boundaries- also a good support system for moms & dads, a two parent home is one of the best ways to prevent your children from taking the wrong path in life!! Blessings

Finally!  Someone that has a little sense!  Very nice reply.  It's good to read something from a non-judgemental fellow mom.  :)

Elizabeth - posted on 08/07/2009

Quoting Ashley:

"I am sorry for you people that think your children can just do whatever and you give them a hug for it. When they get older the law will not see it that way. They will be carted off to jail." How optomistic. No child has ever been carted off to jail for being a god kid. The point is, when you don't hit your kids, they do not act crazy. I have never hit my boys and they have never hit me. When you hit a child for doing something wrong you are telling them " if I catch you, I will hurt you". How terrifying and confusing for a child. They have a right to expect you to care for them and love them, not harm them. When you take the time to explain to them what they did was wrong and help them build problem solving skills, they then make good choices because they know it's right, not out of fear of getting hit. I think it's the children who have been hit who we will have an issue with. When you are no longer around to beat them they will do as they please because the threat of harm is gone. I take comfort in knowing when I am not around, my children will have the ability to choose right from wrong because I took the time to teach them the difference instead of just beating them.

Every child is different, Ashley.  You correct every child by merely talking to them calmly or hugging them and telling them you love them.  True, children are a product of their raising, but they have many other influences other than family... and if you control who they are influenced by as a child, all it's going to do is put them into culture shock when they discover the real world.

That's fine if you do not want to or need to discipline your children, but some children need it.  There are children that are raised the same way in the same house with the same friends, that still turn out completely different.  You can't control everything.  You are lucky to have such perfect children.  That just it though... LUCKY.  I pray you never meet any child with a different personality.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/07/2009

Quoting Ashley:

"I am sorry for you people that think your children can just do whatever and you give them a hug for it. When they get older the law will not see it that way. They will be carted off to jail." How optomistic. No child has ever been carted off to jail for being a god kid. The point is, when you don't hit your kids, they do not act crazy. I have never hit my boys and they have never hit me. When you hit a child for doing something wrong you are telling them " if I catch you, I will hurt you". How terrifying and confusing for a child. They have a right to expect you to care for them and love them, not harm them. When you take the time to explain to them what they did was wrong and help them build problem solving skills, they then make good choices because they know it's right, not out of fear of getting hit. I think it's the children who have been hit who we will have an issue with. When you are no longer around to beat them they will do as they please because the threat of harm is gone. I take comfort in knowing when I am not around, my children will have the ability to choose right from wrong because I took the time to teach them the difference instead of just beating them.

Every child is different, Ashley.  You correct every child by merely talking to them calmly or hugging them and telling them you love them.  True, children are a product of their raising, but they have many other influences other than family... and if you control who they are influenced by as a child, all it's going to do is put them into culture shock when they discover the real world.

That's fine if you do not want to or need to discipline your children, but some children need it.  There are children that are raised the same way in the same house with the same friends, that still turn out completely different.  You can't control everything.  You are lucky to have such perfect children.  That just it though... LUCKY.  I pray you never meet any child with a different personality.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/07/2009

Quoting Ashley:

"..he will get the belt.." Congratulations. You have just seen first hand how using violence against your children shows them to use the same means when they don't get their way. Your family does need a trip, not to the sherrifs but to a counselor before it's too late. The only thing violence and agression ever bred was violence and agression.

That opens up a whole new topic on punishments... Spanking is not always a bad thing.  I'm happy for you if your children always respond to a gentle voice, but there are many children with very high spirits that this does not effect.  My son is extrememly high-spirited.  His punishment depends on what he has done to deserve it.  They key is to make sure you are calm before giving a punishment and not to react in anger.  I had plenty of spankings growing up and I never assaulted my parents.  This seems very closed minded.  Every child is different and every family handles things differently.

Jennifer - posted on 08/07/2009

Okay I have read through many of the comments that they other mothers have posted. I have gone through similar events with my son several years ago. He has never attempted to put his hands on me but he has attempted to try to be aggressive, attempted to yell, and attempted to tell me what he was going to do. This did not go over well, I made him go out into the back yard and dig a hole 4x4x4 when he was done with that hole he had to go out and dig another hole 4x4x4. He then had to take and put the dirt from one hole into the other hole and vice versa. Depending upon how much steam he has left he may have to do this several times. I have also found that adjusting my children's diet has helped with teenage hormones. Talk to a nutritionist about a good teen boy vitamin or pre-teen boy vitamin, try to eliminate processed foods and limit sugar. These things have worked for me.

Dian - posted on 08/07/2009

I'd just like to add-- that the fact that we're all here signed up to Circle of Moms attest to the fact that we are loving committed moms and striving to be the best mom for our kids!

I don't think you'd find a criminally irresponsible, negligent or violent parent making effort to join a dedicated site for moms.

Dian - posted on 08/07/2009

Hmm... I think "beating" sounded a little harsh since it can be very widely interpreted. I would say a quick smack is closer to the truth for any parent.



Anyway, like I said-- discipline is easier said than done and each parent has their own parenting style as no one is the same and we have different values, cultures, beliefs, priciples etc. and each disciplinary incident are unique to its own set of circumstances, like the age of the child.



I give ample constant and affectionate love to my child 24/7 and listen very attentively. These smacking incidences are very rare and a last resort because she's such a good kid. I also stand up for my child if other children behave aggressively towards her i.e. I admonish my child if she is aggressive but I fiercely protect her and admonish her aggressors (my current problem: bullies). But if my child brings home habits I didn't inculcate or hurt others intentionally, it needs to be corrected. My daughter is a very sweet natured, affectionate, well mannered and easy going child for which I'm very grateful. She loves to play and is friendly and social to everyone.



I've seen kids who are very out of line and parents struggle to keep them in check; which is why I keep a vigilant watch on my girl. So good luck, everyone!

H.J - posted on 08/07/2009

Quoting Dian:

I was beaten as a child-- I don't really remember much of the beating pain but I do remember not having the incident explained to me is what hurt THE most.

When I do beat my child, I use a thin stick and I hit on the soles of the feet once, twice.  Usually this doesn't occur regularly because once is sufficient for the child to remember and adhere.

MY GOODNESS Dian, beating your child is illegal in any country! Let alone smacking your child on the soles of the feet with an impliment. You should be ashamed to have posted that you BEAT your child!!!!!!!!!

You admitted you were beaten your self so why on earth would you beat your child! I'm with Ashley on the fact that she hopes CPS becomes involved with some of the comments on here.

CPS isn't useless as was previously stated. They take there time to work because there isn't enough staff per case load. It is the same in every country which makes me wonder why governments don't look into putting more effort into child protection.

Elshon - posted on 08/06/2009

Does your 11yr old still have his arms? There comes a time when you have to really let children know that they will not disrespect anyone, especially their parents!! Eleven years old doesn't mean that he can lose his mind.(obviously that has to be what he done to put his hands on you) Where was your husband, and what did he do? I have a saying that I say and it goes like this..."I am on whipping committee, and even when I am off of work I take on side jobs!!" My son knows this means that at anytime he or any child that may be in my care will get it if they deserve it!! I will pray for you and your son because I know WHERE I would be if my son ever tried that with me!!

Dian - posted on 08/06/2009

Quoting Rebecca:

I'm going to agree with Ashley, you brought the push on yourself.

Oh, and by the way, I was a beat child so I speak from experience. AND I have an 11yo and while he might get a little smart with me at times, he has never been so out of control, nor will he be because I'm a good enough parent I don't need to threaten physical violence to have behaved children.

I think an 11 year old need not be reminded 3 times to do chores and to ignore one's mother 3 times is just rude.  Hence the threat for the belt to make him realise there are consequences to his actions i.e. rudeness.  The physical reaction he gave i.e. pushing is unacceptable for many reasons but under the circumstances, because 1. it is an overreaction and 2. it is an assault.

That he had to bear the resulting consequences is just.  A child must know that overreacting in a way so as to harm the most important person in his life or people who loves him is not acceptable and wrong.  Causing and inflicting intentional pain is wrong.  Reacting so aggravatedly to an annoyance from a loved one is unkind, and it is wrong to be unkind.

I was beaten as a child-- I don't really remember much of the beating pain but I do remember not having the incident explained to me is what hurt THE most.

When I do beat my child, I use a thin stick and I hit on the soles of the feet once, twice.  Usually this doesn't occur regularly because once is sufficient for the child to remember and adhere.

Again, each incident is particular to its circumstance, maybe Tara's boy had a bad day and the chore reminders were the straw that broke the camel's back.  Everyone has bad days and everyone has been pushed to the limit-- children being less mature than adults may not comprehend and cope with bad days as well as an adult; this is normal.  Overreacting inappropriately needs to be addressed.

Whether you are a good (enough) parent or a bad parent, only your own children are qualified to say. Even then, the opinion is only valid once the children are grown up and can give a mature reflection of his childhood and upbringing. Others may give their 2 cents, but ultimately the parent-child relationship is exclusive. In the meantime, you can only give your unconditional love and education/discipline at home.  People outside and peers will influence your child as he grows; it will not be easy keep him guided to his parents alone. 

Nikki - posted on 08/06/2009

Quoting Ashley:

Quoting Shelia:

Punch him dead square in the chest. He'll NEVER think about pushing you again!

Shelia, you have proven yourself psychotic. You are a disgrace to the human race and should be put away. NEVER punch a child EVER. Punch a child square in the chest and you will most likely kill him. God have mercy on your soul if you have done this.  Better yet, next time you crazy abusive moms get the urge to brutalize a child, call me up and I'll send you a plane ticket my way. I'd be happy to put you in your place. If I ever saw a woman punch a child it would be the last thing she ever did. Boy oh boy, I can't believe circle of moms isn't making a list of tools like you to send to cps.

  My goodness! I've never seen people be so judgmental.  There are MILLIONS of kids in the US alone.  How can there only be one way to raise them all??  There isn't.  Tara, I loved how you handled that situation.  Not all kids need spanking.  But not all kids respond to time-outs and grounding either.  As long as the kid is always shown love even after the discipline, that's all that matters.  I've seen people "brutalized" before and it wasn't a few swats on the butt.  So before anyone can accuse a mom of "brutalizing" a child, they should live a day in that mom's shoes.  Best of luck you, Tara.  Unfortunately, this is a thread that's gonna bring out support as well as complete closemindedness.  I'm glad you're able to cater to each of your children's style and behavior.

Rebecca - posted on 08/06/2009

Quoting Tara:

I am currently searching online for the exact law that states that non excessive use of a belt is legal

§ 19-15-1. Definitions

As used in this chapter, the term:

(1) "Abused" means subjected to child abuse.

(2) "Child" means any person under 18 years of age.

(3) "Child abuse" means:

(A) Physical injury or death inflicted upon a child by a parent or caretaker thereof by other than accidental means; provided, however, physical forms of discipline may be used as long as there is no physical injury to the child;

(B) Neglect or exploitation of a child by a parent or caretaker thereof;

(C) Sexual abuse of a child; or

(D) Sexual exploitation of a child

http://www.lexis-nexis.com/hottopics/gac...

O.C.G.A. § 19-15-1 (Copy w/ Cite)
Pages: 4



O.C.G.A. § 19-15-1


GEORGIA CODE
Copyright 2009 by The State of Georgia
All rights reserved.

*** Current through the 2009 Regular Session ***

TITLE 19. DOMESTIC RELATIONS
CHAPTER 15. CHILD ABUSE

O.C.G.A. § 19-15-1 (2009)

In fact spanking a child is legal in GA!!!!! NOT A FORM OF ABUSE

Spanking is with your HAND - open, flat HAND! Not with an object.

And right there in your post, 3A it says 'physical forms of discipline may be used as long as there is no physical injury to the child'

And a belt leaves bruises and marks - as in physical injury. And the physical injury from the belt (or other form of weapon, which a fist counts) would be the abuse.

Rebecca - posted on 08/06/2009

Quoting Ashley:

Quoting Shelia:

Punch him dead square in the chest. He'll NEVER think about pushing you again!

Shelia, you have proven yourself psychotic. You are a disgrace to the human race and should be put away. NEVER punch a child EVER. Punch a child square in the chest and you will most likely kill him. God have mercy on your soul if you have done this.  Better yet, next time you crazy abusive moms get the urge to brutalize a child, call me up and I'll send you a plane ticket my way. I'd be happy to put you in your place. If I ever saw a woman punch a child it would be the last thing she ever did. Boy oh boy, I can't believe circle of moms isn't making a list of tools like you to send to cps.

Unfortunately Ashley - CPS is crap.  They do not hvae the resources to help all kids in trouble, and those that they do help, they don't help enough or soon enough.

Rebecca - posted on 08/06/2009

I'm going to agree with Ashley, you brought the push on yourself.



Asking if he wants the belt cause him to 'snap' and push you. He was afraid of the pain of the belt. Yes that might be the only way you have gotten him to respond, or as you call it respect, but that does not make it right. I do believe in spankings, like a swat on the tush or a smack on the back of the hand - but only to a certain age (around 3-5 depending on the kid and their comprehension level). The thought behind the swat is to make them stop and consider that a current action is not okay before a time-out, its just to make them think. At a certain age, you can use time-outs and then discussions, you know that voice you have you're using to yell at him with would be put to better use discussing why his behavior was not okay.



But using WEAPONS (belts, wooden spoons, whips, chains, switches, fists, etc) are NOT okay. A person at any age has some sort of fight or flight response, and pushing you was your sons fight response. You can let him know that that kind of behavior is not okay WITHOUT resorting to physical means, and he'll probably respect that a lot more. And wouldn't you prefer you kid wasn't scared of you? What if he gets in trouble and needs your support - 'nope can't go do mom, she'll just beat me'.



Oh, and by the way, I was a beat child so I speak from experience. AND I have an 11yo and while he might get a little smart with me at times, he has never been so out of control, nor will he be because I'm a good enough parent I don't need to threaten physical violence to have behaved children.



I would bet you money that a grounding, a true honest-to-God grounding where you say "your grounded for 1 week" means no TV, video games, phone calls, games outside, etc for 1 whole week. Most parents give in and let the time frame slide and then wonder why the grounding isn't working. And in chores too, clean his room, clean his bathroom, vacuum the entire house. then mop floors and there is yardwork.