What do you do when your husband is quick to discipline ur daughter and not his own?

Latoya - posted on 08/18/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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If my daughter talks back or does something he doesn't like he's quick to hit her, if his daughter does something like talk back or if he has to ask her to do something more than once,he'll do nothing..he feels if he pops her, she'll withdraw from him.....what do i do?

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Erin - posted on 08/19/2009

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i would not tolerate anyone hitting my child..AT ALL....especially when i dont even hit my son so no one else is..a disapline smack on the hand or a little smack on his butt is what i give my son if he is not listening..i am also with someone who is not my childs father and i would def. not let him put his hands on my child...YES he is my sons father figure cause his real father is not around but if your husband is quick to hit your child and is not with his...over the same kinda of matter..than i would have a stern talk with him..he obviousely favors his child over yours (wich is in a way understandable) BUT doesnt mean he can hit yours...now if its a situation where he is the father figure to your child and your child's biological father isnt in the picture than there shouldnt be any favortism at all...he should treat your child as his own therefor not hit your child as he doesnt hit his......this is a tough situation...i would put a stop to it NOW before is gets worse...good-luck..

Esme - posted on 08/18/2009

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why is it ok that he hit your daughter? Do you also want him to his daughter?

How about, he cool down a bit and is spoken to about his behaviour. If he hits anybody's daughter ever again you crack him one back and see how he likes it. I just don't know why people think it's ok to hit kids. What is the mentality behind that?

I realize being a parent is not simple, it is very complex and many situations arise, however, the talking back is learned from ..?? That's right , you and the big guy who likes to hit. Let's not raise another generation of girls who think it's ok to be hit by men.

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Rosa - posted on 09/30/2012

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I have a similar situation. My husband and I got together 12 years ago I had 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl 9months older than his girl. We decide to get married and raise all the kids. I always been harder on the kids and have been more of the one who did all the discipline. He has never hit my kids, however when they did miss behave he did discipline and at time grounded them. I have always stood by his decision. My kids are very respectful and obedient, they are not perfect we had our issues, but always did what they were told. Now on the other hand his daughter for the past 12 years, has been allowed to do what she wants, he has never follow up with any disciplinary actions, she fights her way out of it. She is now 14 years old and our family is falling apart. She’s stubborn, rude, and has no respect for anyone, specialty not her father. I have try to be her mom, but I can’t keep fighting against the people that put bad ideas in her head like her maternal grandmother and mother and her father he just lets her do what she wants and now she uncontrollable n I am tired. I know I am losing my husband, but it’s getting to where I can’t stand to be around her. My boys are all grown and have left the house, but they don't want to visit anymore. My 15 year old is getting to the point where she is done with this and feels like she losing her dad, even though he’s her step dad she sees as her father. I am currently seeking counseling, but he refuses to go.

Janette - posted on 01/24/2011

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This is the problem I am having! My husband actually yells at or punishes my kids when his daughter does something wrong saying that they are bad influences to her or that they are older and should just let it go. My husband is making me and my kids resent his only 8 year old daughter, who has no idea what discipline is because he refuses to discipline her. It has been 4 years that we have been together and last week was the first time he has ever disciplined her - he took away her Nintendo DS and IPod for a week. Not even sure if it proved a point because she acted up again when we had a babysitter over for 2 hours. Very frustrating! If my husband and I can't come to an agreement on discipline then I am honestly thinking about calling it quits. I have tried to stand up to my husband and he says that my kids and I just hate his daughter and single her out all the time and he has to protect her. I can tell you with her always getting her way, we are getting to the point where we really do resent them both! Good luck and keep pointing out the damage that can be caused from what your husband is doing. Maybe counseling might help, we are going this week. Anything to help before I just give up!

Tracy - posted on 07/25/2010

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Tell him never to lay a hand on your daughter or he'll have bigger problems than his daughter withdrawing from him. Disciplining your daughter is for you to do, she's not his child, he has NO right to strike her. He can discipline his daughter and should leave your daughter alone. If he can't verbally solve a matter he should refer to you. Not acceptable to hit!!

Celia - posted on 07/25/2010

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I know how you feel my husband does the same exact thing it makes me so mad tell him to man up it aint fair and it aint write either. Kids notice everything and it's really going to start bothering your daughter. Every so often i have to open my husbands eyes to.

Esme - posted on 07/25/2010

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HI Latoya,
at almost a year later how has it all worked out?
Not nosey , just concerned for you and the girls.
E.

Heather - posted on 08/22/2009

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Well, I am in a blended family. I feel that sometimes one is favored more then the other. I know that my husband, under no circumstance would "hit" my child or his. . . NOW, what drives me bananas is when his child does something, it's always an excuse ~ he's just a boy, he's only 7, he has selective hearing ~ now my daughter, she's bossy, she's demanding, she yells A LOT! and I need to address it. When I'm getting onto my daughter and I'm at my whits-end then he steps in and is the voice of "Because I said SO". . . .If I feel that she (and I've stood up for his son, too) are being scolded for something really ridiculous then I tell him and I'll tell him in front of them. When I get really annoyed at what his child is getting away with, I really just start praying. . . .your husband acting like this really will make you and your daughter despise his daughter, which in the long run will make things more difficult. I would stand up to him and tell him that if he doesn't stop showing favoritism and see his daughter for what she really is then he will have a BIG Problem with the older she gets, apparently she's been allowed to act like this.

Stephanie - posted on 08/20/2009

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i'm sorry but my b/f knows that if he EVER touches my daughter that he is out of my house. this would be the same thing if we were married. cause i'm sure that if you would hit his daughter that you would be getting yelled at. you need to change that, the girls are in that stage of age as well where they need there parents. you need to stick up for you child, which i'm sure you do. but he needs to change fast.

Amy - posted on 08/19/2009

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Sorry, I have no experience with step children at all but i think the basic knowledge both parents of the step children should really go for counscelling and have a heart to heart talk to understanding that the situation is not healthy for the relationship.



Most important things, ur husband should know and must do is that no spanking of children is allow.

Latoya - posted on 08/19/2009

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Cheryl, you are so right. And the thing is , his daughter is visiting for the summer and it has turned out that she'll be staying permanently.Since she's been here she has been showing attitude, not listening to my husband, when things don't go her way she'll hide in the closet, the tub, behind the sofa crazy things like that just so my husband can direct his attention to her and it gets on my nerves. All she has to say is "daddy but I didn't do anything" and he'll let it go. As soon as he feel my daughter does something he doesn't like he be so far up her booty she would have to poop him out. out of all the things his daughter has done since she's been here he has yet to discipline. The only thing he is famous for saying to her is "Just stay out of the way simone". I really don't think she cares about me or my kids, I think it's a front for her father.I've had talks with him but he'll beat around the bush about it.........I would hate for our marriage to end because of discipline. Today's our 4th yr wedding anniversary too!

[deleted account]

This is a subject that is sill debated and argued in my house and I have been a step parent for 12 yrs. My husband is quick to discipline and find fault with my kids and their behavior and talking back but his daughter is rude and talks back and constantly has to have the last word and he says nothing!!! Oh it really rakes my nerves!!

Secondly, Latoya why on earth would you allow your husband to hit your daughter or even spank her?? He really has no right to do that...in my opinion as a step parent we have no legal rights to these children and truely couldnt seek medical care for them in a pinch why on earth would you allow a step parent physically hit or discipline your child???? NO, NO, NO!!!!

You two need to have a discipline plan in place because your current discpline isnt working and without a doubt YOUR daughter we will see favortism and eventually she will act out and cause problems or become emotionally unstable. Do you want that for your daughter? Who is important in the relationship? Both girls are and they must be treated equally and if they cant then your husband in no way should ever be alllowed to discipline your daughter at right now I dont know if I would leave my daughter alone with him.

Sounds like you both need to go to a parenting class for blended families. My hubby and I did that when we were dating and it helped some but along the way he seems to have forgotten and shows a great deal of favoritism. But with your girls older maybe your hubby will get the picture.

Cassie - posted on 08/18/2009

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Well, I had the reverse actually. When I met my now ex-husband, he had a 12 year old daughter. After I had my first daughter, his daughter actually got blamed for everything and she started to withdraw from everyone. I talked with her because she was now 15 and could understand what I was saying. As for him, I dont think he ever really got the point of it all until his daughter actually said something. Does your daughter talk to you about the favortism? Maybe you should try filling him in on the fact that not setting boundaries for his own child is actually worse than what he thinks. He is afraid that she will "hate" him for punishment. Its hard when things like this revolve around children because they are so "absorbent". Reprimand him softly away from the kids when he reprimands your daughter and not his own. Maybe eventually he will get the hint.

Rebecca - posted on 08/18/2009

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You're not being selfish. I can't help much because I've never been in the situation but I do know that other parents are always looking to point out the bad in other people's kids. It's what we do to make ourselves feel better about ours. It is totally wrong, the playing field should be fair reguardless of age and if you're all in the same house and you've made an agreement that you can discipline each others kids it should be the same for both. You have your daughters best interests at heart and you should stand up for her. How?? I'm not sure :( I can't even get my hubby to put out the bin!! hehe

Latoya - posted on 08/18/2009

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Thx Kel but I feel that it's getting worst and worst each time I talk about it with him. His daughter is just moving in and it seems like she knows how to get things started.When my daughter does something wrong he is ready to pop her by the way she's 15 and his daughter is 12......3 yr age difference, my daughter is going through so much as a teen and with his daughter coming in right now would not be a good idea........am I being selfish? Please answer honestly!

Kelly - posted on 08/18/2009

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You need to talk to him about this....try not to make him feel like the bad guy, but it is something that you have to talk about....your daughter will notice that she is being disciplined and not the other daughter....and if it continues than she will feel bad about herself.....just talk to him about it....my boyfriend and i have talked about this....when we are both home and all the kids are here than he disciplines his kids and i discipline my child....but we have talked about what kind of discipline that we will use in our house....we have a time out stool.....if you don't listen then you have one warning and then the second time you have to sit in the time out stool if you still don't listen....the kids know that and after we started using that method then they started listening really good.....but you need to talk about it so it doesn't get any worse....

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