When is enough, enough?

Kick - posted on 04/26/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My son is going to be 4. His "dad" has been in and out of his life and contributes VERY little. He will get into one of his "depressed moods" and disappear anywhere from a couple of days, to weeks at a time. He'll come around, apologize, and as angry as I get, I allow him to come back around. We don't live together, were never married. He has never paid any child support and always has other priorities. And every excuse in the book. It's hard to work full time and chase after my son, but I wouldn't have it any other way. This boy SAVED MY LIFE and I sacrifice EVERYTHING for him HAPPILY. The donor on the other hand does not. My son NEVER comes first. Unless ofcourse I tell him not to come around and then the threats and harassment starts. Joint custody fights, him sending over his relatives - who by the way he has NEVER met other than his "grand mother" at his Christening!

I want him to go away and leave us alone. I've come this far doing it alone. What do we really need him for? I think the constant in and out is harmful to my son, he seems to think that even if he isn't paying ANYTHING, he should be able to see him whenever he wants.

There of course is SO MUCH MORE, but when is enough, enough?

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Chelsea - posted on 04/26/2010

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You have the right to protect your son. My niece, went through this... Growing up her father would come and go, he'd miss birthdays and holidays. She would always ask us what she did wrong, why her Daddy didnt love her, she blamed herself!

Im not saying that you should kick him out of her life, but maybe try another approach, trying maybe writing him a letter, let him know what your son is feeilng... try to get him to understand that this behavior will only hurt your son. In writting this letter, try not to sound condisending or like you're blamming him... Men dont tend to like the "nagging" and will just regect it... just that its coming from your heart and that you would like to work things out as a family...



I dont know the full situation, and I really hope that it gets better for you :)

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Michelle - posted on 05/15/2010

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here's the deal he is right child support and visitation are two totally different things in order to get him out of your sons life you have to go through court to do it and it is very hard to get a court to sever a dads right to see his child unless their is another male role model in his life who is being the dad. I am sorry to say that unless you are willing to fight him in court he has every right to see his son no matter what kind of crappy dad he is.....I know it sucks as my son doesn't want to see his anymore but I can't afford to go to court at this time to make it happen.

Nalini - posted on 04/28/2010

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i have read that a child does need a "father" figure around, but that person must not be abusive or emotionally blackmailing or disruptive. You owe it to your child to protect them from this and to find a more reliable suitable "role model" for your child to learn from and share with (that doesnt necessarily have to be a partner for you!). I hope you manage to do this.

Heather - posted on 04/27/2010

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My daughter is now 16. She did not officially meet her father until she was 4. He was in and out of prison and never wanted to grow up. We tried for two years to make it work. I was a grown up. He was not. He wanted to come and go as he pleased. Broken promises, he was famous for. I was always the one there to pick up the pieces. I met a man that I married when my daughter was 8. He adopted my daughter. She loves him and he is the father that her biological father could not ever be. We have ran into her biological father twice in the last 6mths (have not seen or heard from him in 6 years) It does hurt my daughter to see him and how he does not care. But it has been for the better. She has two stable parents that are always there for her and she knows that. Even if I would not have met my husband, I would have had no regrets in letting her biological father go from our lives. You have to look at the big picture. Is this who you want your son to look up too? You sound like a good mom, who loves your son. I am sure you will make the right decision.

Michelle - posted on 04/27/2010

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Neglect is a form of abuse. And there are many other forms of abuse besides physical. This father picks and chooses when he wants to be a dad? I think not. He blames it on depression? LAME!! This man's behavior is not nor will it ever be good for this child. He is emotionally and mentally abusing and neglecting this child. Its tough being a single mom who has to deal with the fact that their child's father gives a crap. It sucks not being paid child support. It sucks having to answer questions when your child asks "Where is my daddy?" However, I REFUSE to allow ANY man who will be abusive/neglectful toward me or my son into our lives. And I would NEVER advise any woman to allow this to happen. She has been giving him the benefit of the doubt...and this poor child is suffering because of it. Fair?



Everyone has their own opinion about "deadbeat" dads. I have walked in these shoes and have successfully left them behind...where they belong. Do you have first hand experience with a deadbeat dad? If so, then you know exactly what Im talking about. This girl has given her son's dad too many chances...and I would be fed up too. What part about this man's behavior is fair to that boy? He has made it perfectly clear that he has no desire to be a part of this child's life the way he needs to be. I drew the line when my ex came to the hospital when my son was being born and refused to hold him. I drew the line when he laid there sleeping while I was literally bleeding to death after my son was born. I drew the line when he left the hospital to go get high and drunk with his buddies. This poor girl needs to draw the line too. She and her son have been put through enough. She can do just fine on her own.

Alison - posted on 04/27/2010

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Michelle, obviously there are limits and as a mother you need to be the judge. It doesn't sound like the dad in question is abusive, but rather neglectful. Besides, I am not advising that dad should be in his life, I am just giving some food for thought.

In the case of my foster sisters, their dad was a negligent alcoholic who preferred having his girls in foster care because he knew he was a crappy dad. As far as I know the visits were supervised.

Did I say I would let my kids go play at a sex offender's house? Don't think so.

Michelle - posted on 04/27/2010

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Alison....its better to have a "bad dad" than to have him cut out of their life? Thats hilarious!!! So what you are saying is that I should allow my abusive, alcoholic, drug addict ex to take care of my son because its BETTER than him NOT being a part of his life? WOW!!! Please tell me how you feel this is healthy for a child? As parents, its our job to protect our children from as much "bad" as we can......including people who are bad for them. Would you let your child go play at a sex offenders house? NO!!! So Im not going to let my ex be a part of my son's life knowing that my son will only get hurt, abused, pawned off, and neglected. Allowing that to happen would make me a bad mother.

Michelle - posted on 04/27/2010

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Honey....I was in the exact situation...almost. The only difference is that my son's donor abused me before I got preggers. He has seen my son ONCE when he was a month old after he was born....my son is 3 now. And I plan on keeping it that way. As soon as I can afford it, I will be having his rights terminated. I dont need that kind of abuse in my life.

Here is the answer to your question. Enough is enough when you stop allowing this man to hurt you and your son like this. I cant tell you what to do...but if I were in your shoes...I would say, "You had your chances, you have failed everytime, its over. Im done." If he is threatening you or harrassing you, get a restraining order. It will help your case as well.

This IS harming your son...its probably confusing him. He doesnt deserve that...he didnt ask to be treated this way by his father. You both are better off without him...for good!

When you continue to give people chances they dont deserve...they will continue to walk all over you. Put your foot down. Tell him that he is no longer allowed to hurt your son anymore. Whats he gonna do? Sue you for custody? NO!!! If he really wanted to be a part of your son's life...he would be making more of an effort.

Michelle - posted on 04/27/2010

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I have to be really honest as you have just written my story. My daughter is now 7 and her father finally stayed away for good about two years ago. My daughter is happier, mentally healthier, and more amazing than she could have been with my ex around. My advise is that enough is enough when you say it is. Know that you are the backbone and sole of your childs world, and on those nights when you don't think you can take any more, know that 30 minutes of your favorite TV show, 3 hours sleep, and the hug of your child in the morning reminds you why you do everything you. Also know.... YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are out here!!! SURVIVING!! My ex is my baby donor and nothing more, never married, no child support, and no moral support.... Oh and I had my daughter at 30 and have two advance degrees. So needless to say who you are or where you come from is irrelevant, your education, financial position, or family history doesnt get you in your position. The past doesn't matter, it's where you go from here! I don't know you but I know a strong women such as yourself will ALWAYS be ok. And one more point, don't tell the ex to go away..... if you want him to go just stop all dialogue on your part. Eventually days are weeks, then months, then years... Then it all stops.... Or just call the DA to get child support. He will possibly vanish once he is served. But never engage a violent man. It always ends bad. Best wishes!!!!

Alison - posted on 04/26/2010

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Is the father's name on the birth certificate??? My parents were fostering some girls who had essentially no mom and their dad was usually in prison for something. They were told that it is better for the children to have a bad father than for someone to cut them off from their dad. If they don't get to see their dad, they will build up an image of this fabulous person and won't even believe you when you say he was a jerk. If they can see it first hand, they will get hurt, but it may be better than making you the bad-guy who cuts him off from his dad. It's one theory and it may be worth considering.

Ultimately though, if you feel it is best to have him out of your lives, that is absolutely your prerogative.

Kimberly - posted on 04/26/2010

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If you are asking the question, you know what the answer is...you have had enough!

My son hasn't seen or heard from his dad in years and he never sends anything for birthdays, christmas or any holidays. One phone call, maybe once a year...and it always seems to be when our son isn't home. All of the family, on that side, has abandoned him as well

The only difference is that we were married and he does pay child support.

As hard is it's going to be, I would suggest going to a lawyer and settling custody once and for all. You have the upper hand in the fact that you can claim abandonment and can prove that there has been no child support.

It's going to be a long hard road, but it is well worth it, you will have sole custody

Good Luck

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