when is it ok to introduce a new boyfriend?

Kelly - posted on 11/20/2012

i agree, do what is comfortable for you , this happened to me too... i had a boyfriend for awhile and let him meet my 5 y old...and then he broke up w me and my son cried for him..it hurt so i decided not to let him meet anyone else... and i didnt, till i met my now husband last year , after maybe 2 weeks i saw how he is with his son and i knew he would be great with my son, and he is:P we were married in aug and my son looks at my husband like a second father ♥

Susan - posted on 11/20/2012

Maybe after 6 months.... make sure its long term so you wont confuse them.

Donna - posted on 09/19/2010

Put the brakes on that quick! If he loves you, then he'll love the kids too! When he puts a ring on it he can meet the kids! Period!

Lisa - posted on 09/18/2010

I was happily married for over a year. Then one day I came home to find my hubby molesting one of my kids. She is 5. I would wait a long long long time. Even then I would be careful. You never fully know anyone.

User - posted on 09/18/2010

wait!!! take your time be cautious childhood is so memorable what goes on in someone's child hood is remembered forever be cautious of the boyfriend that are pressuring you into meeting your kids and the worst is the disneyland father syndrome you know the ones that want to buy your kids everything to win your approval.

Sheree - posted on 09/16/2010

i understand this fully, i tried introducing my nearly 3 year old to a possible partner but my son became very attached but i am glad i done it to understand what they think, we are no longer together and my son hasn't mentioned him since, however your life cant be put on hold as your children will thank you for bringing someone new in later, children act upon your feelings and if you really like him your kids will feel how happy you are and appreciate it.

Caroline - posted on 09/16/2010

I waited for close to six moths before i introduced the guy as a friend.i would make sure he would accompany me to fun outings and then the suprising thing is that once my son was comfortable with him my son 4yrs then asked him what he wanted in our lives ,asked whether he didn't have a family and if no whether he wanted to join ours as we didn't have a daddy ,i gave the boy a thumps up for being so clever

Sonya - posted on 09/12/2010

As a former single mother (and one who made mistakes in this area), I strongly suggest you introduce them AS SOON as you think things may be serious or heading for long term. You need to see/feel the vibe from the guy as well as from the kids. I wouldn;t suggest anything too intrusive right away (like him coming over too frequently or staying over) but small outings first. Good luck and most of all...Follow your gut(not your heart)

Leah - posted on 09/08/2010

I am recently divorced and my new boyfriend and I have been seeing eachother for about 6 months. I have introduced my son to my bf right away but it was in a very public place where I run into a lot of my friends. I just eased my son into it and now my bf and my son are attached at the hip. Kids have a very open mind and can read people most ways adults cannot. If your children don't like your new boyfriend they will tell you, atleast mine did. It is funny because when I separated from my ex I told myself I wouldn't get involved long term but as a single mom everything is long term. Like most women posting my child and I are a package deal and if you don't like it you don't belong. Good luck

Ebony - posted on 09/07/2010

I am going through a divorce right now and I do think about the day that I will start dating and how it will affect my children. I have made it up in my mind that before I decide on having someone as a permanent part of my life he has to be a good father figure. Me and my children are all in one and I would want to know that his chemistry with my children is just as strong as his chemistry with me. I will introduce him as a friend because that is what he will be at that time. I will have to see how he is with my children before I can take it to a more serious level.

Chelsa - posted on 09/07/2010

My boyfriend and I dated for a couple of months and I did not allow him to meet my son until I knew that he was sticking around for a while.

A long-term relationship cannot last forever if you are limited on when you can see each other; however, make sure you really like him and it's not a short fling before moving on to meeting your children.

Kara - posted on 09/07/2010

I have been in your shoes before. First you need to is pray about it and ask God to give you direction. Then figure where your relationship is going. Do you see yourself marrying this person? If so, how long have you been together? Is he ready? Have you talked to your kids about him? If you are talking marriage, and you feel he is the one, then go for it.

Sheanda - posted on 09/06/2010

Right now just focus on you and him as couple, get to know him and yourself be sure that you're ready to make a commitment that that is someone that is going to have a positive impact on your lives b/c if not you may end up putting yourself and your kids thru an unnec. ordeal. Honestly there is no timeline its not about days, wks, months or even years!!! Its about doing what best for our kids. If you're just dating and can't say definitively this is long term there is no need. We have to be able to protect our children the fact of the matter is most persons who harm our children walk in thorough our front doors because we let them in. Beware of any man a little tooooo eager to meet your kids. I have a daughter her and there is NO need for her to meet any guy that I am dating b/c truth is she has a really gr8 relationship w/ her father I know unfortunately a lot of women can't say that and that is when certain decisions come into play but we have to be good examples regardless of our situations.

Francesca - posted on 09/05/2010

Sorry guys but I need to be honest. I introduced a boyfriend when I thought we were ready and serious enough but it`s not until then that the boyfriend realised family life wasn`t for him and walked out. My daughter was distraught because by then attachments had been made. I will never do it again. I`m here for her now, my life can wait.

ESTELITA - posted on 09/04/2010

Read the book of Steve Harvey..Act Like a Lady , Think Like a Man..the answer is there..Good luck!

Jean - posted on 09/04/2010

I think it is okay to introduce a boyfriend into a child's life if you make sure that the child knows that he is a "friend," because the term "boyfriend" may mean something to the child, especially if the child is school-age. I am a single mother and the man I have been dating has met my child because he was my friend for years... he has known her since she was small... she loves him to death but I know that even if our relationship didn't work out he would not abandon her. If this is how you feel about your boyfriend, go ahead and introduce them. Be sure to let them meet outside your home first, and see if your boyfriend interacts with your child. Later, you can have him over for dinner at your home, if you think it is serious.

Lynette - posted on 09/04/2010

If this guy is 'the one' then he has all the time in the world to meet your children. You need to feel absolutely secure in the relationship. & Introducing your boyfriend to your children is a huge step. My personal advice would be wait until you are serious enough w/the person to want to marry him(or make that kind of commitment), then introduce him to your children out in public, away from the home. Giving your children time to get used to the two of you as a couple. The go from there, taking ea. step slowly. You never know how someone is going to be around your children & you have to protect them as well, because hard as it is to believe, ppl will go through you to get to them. to sum up=wait as long as you possibly can, for the sake of your children.

Michelle - posted on 09/04/2010

i would say at least 3 months untill he meets them and then just have that be like outings, like dinner or a movie, the park. then maybe around 6 months have him come to the house and everything. but u want to make sure that hes gunna stay apart of their lives, you know

Sherrel - posted on 09/04/2010

Hi Laura,
Girl!...I been where you are. I strongly recommend that you don't introduce him to the kids unless you are sure that he is who you are intending to marry. Why because you don't want your kids to get attached to him & things don't work out. Don't make their life an emotional revolving door. Kids get attached quicker than we do. When you do decide to introduce him to them let him take you guys out and introduce him as a friend not your boyfriend. Tell him why you are doing this. Protect your children & I have no doubt that you would. Been there done that It will work out.

Kimberly - posted on 09/04/2010

Depending on the ages of your children, only you can make the call. If the new boyfriend is pushing you to meet your kids, then I would keep it in the back of my mind to be careful. Just say to him, " My children are only (these ages) and I don't believe they are ready yet." If he truely wants to be with you, he will understand and not push.
My boyfreind and I had known each other for over a year and we dated officially for a couple months before I let him meet my kids, but my kids are a 10, 16 and 20. More than old enough to know that mom is dating and might like them to meet a special someone. Actually, they were the one to ask me if they could meet him.
When you feel that they are ready, plan something non-stressful like a movie or a walk in the park...something casual and fun, where no pressure is put on him or the kids.

Bonnie - posted on 09/04/2010

I was with my boyfriend for 6 months before I introduced my 3 kids to him. We started out with short day activities, family get togethers and such. I thought it was the best way to get them together without a lot of stress on any of them and my kids could see that the rest of the family accepted him too. We were together almost a year before we actually spent time alone with the kids, and that was Christmas Eve last year. We took our time developing the relationship, and felt it just as important to take as much time as we did to make them comfortable with their relationship. I am glad to hear you are actually concerned about the impact on your child/children. Unfortunately, there are too many moms who care more about their happiness than whether their children are comfortable or happy, or even safe for that matter. This past Spring, a 3 yr old was killed by a mother's boyfriend. She knew he was severely abusing her son and allowed it. The only justice that came from this is that the mother faced the same charges as her boyfriend, and then some!

Nicole - posted on 09/04/2010

From experience I say wait as long as possible!! I'd say if u can wait 4-6 months its best!! Because then the 'honeymoon stage' is over and u have a really better view of where things are going with the relationship. My son got attached easy and it was always harder on him when a boyfriend and I split. It was like his dad leaving all over again. So the more certain u can be the better.

Ashlee - posted on 09/03/2010

As a young Mother of 2 I have gone through this with my current beau. I honestly waited 2 years before I began bringing my Kelsee around him. She was young and extremly impressionable and i did not want her to get the wrong idea on who "daddy" was. Now she is 7 I have been with Dennis for almost 4 years and she has no problem knowing who daddy is and knowing who double d is.. (she named him that shortly after meeting him) and they have a great realationship. You introduce them when you are ready and if they are really into you they will understand weither it be 2 months or 2 years.

Belinda - posted on 09/03/2010

I don"t mean to come at you in a harsh tone, but I'm going to. How serious can this relationship be if he has only been introduced to part of you? You children are a large part of who you are . On the other hand you are the only person that truly will know when the time is right to add a new family member, because even if they met him once some part of him will be etched on them forever.

MaryJane - posted on 09/03/2010

I have wondered about the same thing. My children get very attached to people. But honestly, I think you will know when it is the right time. Let you heart guide you but also acknowledge the red flags. They can save alot of heartache for everyone.

Nancy - posted on 09/03/2010

Laura u r soooo wise to see this and not only that point but u really do not know that other person. U want to protect ur kids too. There are pedifiles looking for single moms with kids. Do u really know his temperment? Would he shake one of your kids? U have to be dad and mom and I would stear u to be very cautious. Your children will be the best judge of this man from the get-go. If and when u do introduce pay attention to your children. Does this man attend church...who is his circle of friends? How can u learn more about him. After all we seek references for babysitters...right? Do not entrust anyone with your precious cargo until....well u will have to be the judge of that but listen to your family and friends that love u the most. Do not put yourself first here. Good luck Laura and God Bless.
Mom of 3 sons and 1 daughter,
Nancy

Carissa - posted on 09/03/2010

I would wait at least 6 months to make sure its something serious enough. If he is really into you then he will respect you and your feelings.

Kirsten - posted on 09/03/2010

My ex husband and i had been divorced for 12 years before I met someone I wanted my son to meet and My now husband and I had been dating for 2 months before I introduced them and the reason I did with him is because of who he was I felt comfortable around him now when my son comes home for visits from the Navy it is almost like I am not here. They should have been the true father and son. I hope this helps you.

Keisha - posted on 09/03/2010

I think as single moms we ponder this question on a daily basis. I cant speak for anyone except for me. You and only you know when it is right. I will say that you ask yourself one thing.........if it doesnt work out will this person still be INTERACTIVE with your children. I have been blessed to say that very few men have met my daughter and those that have still have an ongoing relationship with her to this day........some 15 years later. I didnt introduce my daughter to the "date", she got introduced to "the monogamous relationship".

Jamie - posted on 09/03/2010

I was a single mom for the first four years of my daughter’s life. If someone was not family.....they were not around her at all - you could say I was a little over protective. My mom was great, she would watch my daughter so I could still go out from time to time, but you had to be someone special to meet my daughter. When my daughter was 4, I met someone through a friend of mine, and we hit it off right away. It instantly just felt right, and so after a few months of hanging out and figuring out that we pretty much wanted the same thing in life. I introduced them for very brief periods of time, at first, to see how they interacted. He was amazing with her and she adored him. My daughter is now 7, and she calls this man her daddy, by her own choice. Her father is not around, by his choice. I never encouraged her to call him daddy or anything. They are inseparable now. We are married now, and things are great, especially between them!! I couldn’t ask for anything better for them.

I think as a mother you just know. You have to make decisions that work for you and yours. If it doesn't feel right then it's probably not. Just know that sometimes we all get fooled and so if it doesn't turn out right even though you thought it was; it's going to be okay!! As long as you put your kids first whatever the situation I think whatever you decide will be right!!

Annette - posted on 09/03/2010

I would not introduce them unless you are ready to get married. As parents, our job is to protect our children, the natural instinct you feel inside of not wanting to introduce them b/c of the risk of emotional heartache if you all do not work out, is one example. Yes, there is always the chance that they will get along, there is always the chance that they will hate one another, or they will have competition, jealousy, and there is always the chance that you all will break up. The safest route for all is to keep it separate.

Kenya - posted on 09/03/2010

Seriously, I dated my now husband for 18 months before I introduced him to my children or met his son. We knew we liked kids and all of that but I've never been into the whole "playing daddy" thing. My children are really loving and I was not going to introduce them to someone unless I was absolutely sure that they were going to be a perminant part of their lives. You want to know you have a stable, long term, (more than 10 month or even 2 years) relationship before you involve that innocent love of children. Otherwise, especially if their "real dad" is bearly is only somewhat in the picture, you'll have them deal with another man "leaving them". For me, not a good look. Some people find my approach extreme but if you're not attempting to be a perminant person in my life, I'm not bringing you into theirs. Good luck, and God bless.

Barbara - posted on 09/03/2010

Hey Laura, I am single mom as well. My son did not grow up with a father for the past 20 years. Til this day I am still a single mom, and still dating. I have been in this situation throughout my entire motherhood and I understand where you are coming from. As the other ladies stated wait until you are comfortable and see where this man's head is. Break ups are a possibility but unfortunately this is part of the culture when dating. As long as you are not bringing home someone every week as some one as the new"uncle" the kids will be ok. Be as honest with your kids as possible. Once again give them the something they can understand, handle and above all honesty. The children will get over it, if there is a break up. I hope you find someone nice who is there for your and your children. Best of luck.

Tamaira - posted on 09/03/2010

I am also a single mother and have a 2yr old little girl .... I started recently dating a guy and I introduced him to my daughter after about a week(I have known him as an associate for 2 years) because my daughter doesnt like very many people and I would never put my daughter in an uncomfortable situation. Now his children are older 6, 8,. 15 and I just met them last weekend after about 3 months of dating, this weekend we will bring all 4 children together and hopefully all goes well because we have definitely started looking for a house.... :)

Laura - posted on 09/02/2010

thank you to everyone who has posted and the same couple of things keeps coming up i noticed. Yes I have afriend who is a state trooper and he ran a background check on him 4 me and yes my kids are very young they are 3 and 18 months. I am not letting them meet him for awhile yet i am going with my gut that says i am being to protective but over protective is better then the other option.

Katie - posted on 09/02/2010

i think you should follow your thinking! i don't know that i would introduce anyone new to my kids until i was ready to get married.

Nayanda - posted on 09/02/2010

What makes the relationship serious? Does he want to marry you, move in, date you exclusively? What I've done is drop his name in my conversations with my children every now after the first six months so could get used to hearing about him. When they were curious to know more, then I told them what was age appropriate. Unless you know he's going to be in your life for sometime, I wouldn't introduce the children just yet...especially if they are young and they are not fully over their father's disappearance.

Josephine - posted on 09/02/2010

personally it depends on how serious your relationship is...but to be safe after a month or two. I would introduce them as a friend and only be "friendly" in front of them (the children) because you don't want your kids seeing you be intimate with every guy you bring around them, because lets be honest just because we introduce them to our kids doesn't mean it will last forever! And until you know it's looking like forever...I say keep it friendly!

Maria - posted on 09/02/2010

I don't want to discourage you on introducing your children to your new boyfriend but for me, I've extremely over protective of my kids. Their safety is #1 priority. For my own peace of mind, I'd have to run a background check on him, of course with his knowledge. It's not that I don't trust him, but after watching a show a couple of days ago......
situation is......
this mom was dating a guy for about 8 months and introduced the BF to her kids somewhere within the first 2 months and, well after the 8th month of being together she accused their actual father of molesting the kids, well, on the show, she found out that the BF molested her 3 kids and that he was wanted in another state for the same situation of molesting two other children of a former girlfriend.

Please don't get upset with my post but in today's society people need to be careful.

Look, if he's serious about you and he really cares about you, then he can wait to be introduced to your kids. You need to take things slow and make the right decisions for you and your children. Best of Luck.

Brianne - posted on 09/02/2010

First, let me say I am happy for you that you found someone you like enough to consider letting them meet your kids. Just make sure you are ready for that because that is a pretty serious step in my mind. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old and my mom was always very protective of me. I only ever met 2 guys she ever dated in 10 years and they were the most serious ones, one of them she married. She has told me since that she dated much more than I ever knew and several times the guys she was dating wanted to meet me after a couple of months, but she didn't want to do that until she was serious with them. I am grateful my mom was concerned more about me than them because truly, the pattern for relationships is established relatively young. If guys come by, the kids get attached and then they leave, kids don’t understand. All they see is mommy is upset and the man is longer there. The potential for them to grow up to think that's how men are is greatly increased. I am not sure how old your kids are, but if you have already decided you are going to allow him to meet them, I believe it will be how he is introduced to them that will matter most. Perhaps being at the park and running into a "friend" is easier than, "hi kids, this is mommy's new boyfriend who will be celebrating your birthday/Halloween/Thanksgiving, etc. with us”. Younger kids tend to react more positively if new people are introduced to them in a mutually open environment, allowing them to not feel any pressure and they can go and play if they are uninterested. Good luck! :)

Pamela - posted on 09/01/2010

And they do. Follow your judgment. too many single parents bring men in and out of their childrens life not realizing the long term affects if it dosen't work. If you are both serious wait until you are atleast engaged. atleast the children will know marriage was considered and that men should not just come and go because you are single. Exercise discression. How you approach your relationships will affect theirs. Ones they are grown do as you like. But when they are young, loose the revolving door. they will disresoect you when they are older.

Kimberly - posted on 09/01/2010

I feel really serious about this subject. First let me qualify my answer. I've been a single mom for over 20 years, two sons 23 and 12. I've been married twice. The first question you have to consider is what can this guy offer my children? Why should I let him be a part of their lives? If he isn't important enough or you don't know him well enough to answer those questions; then it isn't the right guy or the right time. Secondly, I caution all single moms about allowing a man into your home. Child predators favorite victims are single moms. They will woo you and give you the world with the hidden agenda of preying on your children. I have two single mother friends, totally separate occasions, who have suffered the molestation of their daughters by a guy they dated. I've read other stories of such horrors. You must protect your children at all cost. Even when we do all we can there is no absolute in the world but being overly cautious can only be a preventative action. There is NO reason to validate a man staying over night in your home with your children. I encourage every single mom to investigate the men they consider letting into the life of their children. Ask a police officer to run a his tag for you, meet his family first, ask for his credit history, if he can't trust with you his details then why should you trust him with your most precious assets..your children.

Lika - posted on 08/31/2010

How serious are you with this guy? I was going through a divorce when I met my fiance. Because I was serious, and he was too, my son got to talk to him on the phone a couple times, even on chat, and so when he did come to meet me, he met my son the same weekend while I had my son at Grandma's. If you're still unsure which direction the relationship is going, tell him you still need some time to think about how to introduce him to your kids.

Amy - posted on 08/31/2010

I'm in the same situation; single mom with a boyfriend. I waited a couple of months until I was sure it was a relationship that I wanted to try to build. We can't see the future, so as long as you trust your instincts and listen to your gut and be a responsible parent at every step of the way, I think it's ok to introduce men whenever you feel ready. I don't think kids are going to be negatively affected unless you're introducing a new man every few months or whatever. I think it's worse if you do get serious, bonds are formed over years and then the relationship breaks up - but that's life! We can't protect our kids from every possible hurt in the world. We have to live our lives as responsibly and lovingly as we can, provide good role modelling and guidance to our kids and most importantly TALK to them about everything that you and they are experiencing together. Ultimately, your relationship with your kids is more important than anyone else that may come along, and as long as all relationships are healthy, respectful and positive, then your kids will be alright. Trust youself to be a good mom and you will be. Don't sweat the small stuff. We'll never be perfect mothers, but as long as we love our kids and think about what we're doing, the damage should be minimal. You're all going to be just fine, no matter what happens with this man you're dating. Your boys can learn great lessons by watching you manage a new relationship.

Carolyn - posted on 08/31/2010

After having my 6 year old daughter ask my date, "Are you going to be my new daddy." I quickly established a 10-date rule. You need to identify how you feel about this person, and if they're going to be a part of your life on a long-term basis before you involve your children in the roller coaster called dating. Using the terms "recently started" and "seriously dating" in the same sentence, says it's not time yet. Once you get to the "seriously dating for a while" that is closer to being the right time.

Tamara - posted on 08/31/2010

Hi Laura,

The question I have for you is how old are your kids and how long have you been dating this guy? Are you think of marriage? It is difficult for me to give a response without knowing all the facts. You are right. You want to make sure he is the right man before introducing your kids to anyone who is new. Have you had discussions as to what his future looks like? Are you in it? Does he have children? If not, does he likes children. Keep in mind that you only introduce your children to someone you plan to marry or live with (if marriage is not an option for you) and ask the hard question? What are his opinions on disciplining etc. This is too soon to say I am sure, but it takes 7 years for a blended family to work out all the kinks and settle as a family.

Good luck and I am so proud of you for thinking of your kids first.

Lots of Love,

Morgan - posted on 08/31/2010

My husband has a daughter from a prior relationship and I didn't meet her until he was comfortable and felt sure that we were going to be together for a long time and that I would be a good influence on her--then when I did meet her the first time, it was very very brief and I was introduced as "Daddy's friend." I only had brief meetings with her for a while and then went slowly from there and let her get comfortable. Now "Daddy" and I are married and she has known me most of her life (she was 15 mo when we started dating, she's now 5).

Rose - posted on 08/30/2010

I did reply before but need you to consider something else. Did you know this person as a friend before? Did you children? Currently I am in a relationship with someone we all have known for a few years. It is working out wonderfully since we both can understand each other and my children already know and respect him. I know this isn't always possible and i wish you luck and love in what you want. Just remember a man is a man but your children will always be there.

Rose - posted on 08/30/2010

I waited until i felt it was sure, about 5 months into a seriouus relationship after know him for about 9 months prior. We were together for about a month after when he told me he doesn't want kids that young. At the time mine were 7 and 3, his was 15. It was a mistake but they never got attached and only met him once. After that time it didn't feel right so it never happened again.Long story short we aren't together. Be careful

Monica - posted on 08/30/2010

Don't involve your children until you know that the realtionship is a serious one and is heading in a long term direction. Nothing is guaranteed when it comes to relationships, but you have to be careful whe you involve your children.