Why are there so many SAHMs in the "Working Moms" thread?

Susana - posted on 01/20/2012 ( 42 moms have responded )

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Reading through some of the posts, I feel like some of them are here to judge and tell us we are bad moms because we work, and we're not raising our children right, etc., etc. I'm not in the SAHM thread because, well, I'm not a SAHM. I'm not here to judge people and tell them their life choices are wrong. I find it infuriating. If you don't have anything to contribute regarding work/life balance, then please don't post in this thread. If you want to argue, then I believe there's a "Debating Moms" thread.

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Mary - posted on 01/20/2012

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Because Circle of Moms keeps pushing everyone to the threads that say SAHM vs. Working Moms. So we click on the link and there we are in a Working Mom thread! I am really starting to believe Circle of Moms is trying to create hot button issues and fuel them.



When a SAHM posts something to your thread if it sounds offensive just keep in mind she is just trying to defend herself because she is feeling attacked, NOT that that is what is happening, but you know how we all as women are ultra sensitive to our choice and can read into one another's comments. She is not trying to insult you personally. SAH and Working is really a battle that exists out of misunderstanding.



I was a Working mom when my first was little and then SAH when second came along, although I do freelance writing on the side. Second child is still in preschool and first just started full day first grade. I plan on re-entering the workforce when youngest gets to full day school too. I don't really believe there is such a thing clear cut "working moms" and "stay at home moms" most everyone I know is somewhere inbetween, whether it's taking a few years off, working from home, working part time or reduced hours or teachers who are with their children during all non school hours. At my daughter's school I have heard people make comments about SAHM's who aren't even SAHM's...just because someone is at every field trip and at pick up everyday does not mean you know what they do. In today's world there are many ways people are working. Most SAHM's that I know are are in their "position" temporarily anyway. Nowadays our lives are not mapped out by only two choices, we are able to move in and out of the traditional workforce based on our wants and needs.



Let me just take one second to just say thank you to currenting working mom's....your choice keeps choice alive. And thank you currently staying at home mom's....your choice keeps choice alive.

Alleah - posted on 02/18/2012

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I agree with you here, and to a certain extent, I would even agree with the SAHM who uses this as an arguing point. I mean lets be honest! I'm on my second maternity leave, and I absolutely plan to return to some form of paid work, so i identify more with Working Moms than the SAHM's. And frankly I absolutely work because I want nice things. I want that extra financial leeway to be able to buy the nice frivolous things every so often. I don't think I'm spoiling my daughters by giving them good food to eat, nice clothes to wear or fun things to do at home. And anyone who does clearly doesn't understand how a spoiled child gets to be that way. I appreciate the nice things and want them in my life. Taking our finances into consideration, if I want those things, then I must work. Seems pretty simple to me.

Deborah - posted on 02/16/2012

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Some moms have left the workforce, but have firsthand experience with the Working Mother circumstance.



Maybe some moms want to know what its like to juggle a job and raising a family. Having other mom's firsthand experiences to go off of can teach a person a LOT about how to handle future problems they might encounter.



Kimberly -- I both agree, and disagree with you. I agree that being a working mother doesn't make you 'bad' or anything of the like, but the 'choice' of one or the other isn't always in Mom's hands. I spent 4 years looking for a job that would allow me to keep my children at home (I don't trust the daycare facilities around here, too many horror stories...)and not have the word 'temporary' attached to it. Sometimes, finding a job is a bigger challenge than parenting itself. Although I think working mothers have the potential to have a stronger relationship with their children. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, afterall.



I don't think SAHMs have the right to be judgmental though, but that seems to happen a lot on this website. I was recently involved in a 'debate' regarding a hot topic, when the thread specifically asked to talk to people who SUPPORTED the topic (Spanking...) but there seemed to be just as many (If not more) moms on the other side of the fence. I don't mind a good debate, I love them, in fact, but it's not polite or good forum etiquette to go into a supporting post and call the supporters 'naive' for their beliefs and systems of parenting.



Working and raising children is a very difficult task, and so is being a SAHM. Working mothers should be praised because they are striving to give their kids things they did not have, whereas SAHMs should be praised for sacrificing their own careers to raise their families.



Neither situation is a requirement for being a 'good parent'.

Michelle - posted on 01/22/2012

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True to what was said here as I'm reading this thread, up pops a "working moms and sahm issues..." suggestion.

Perhaps if we all worked to make it a non-issue, rather than a debate this would die down? Or perhaps we can agree that debate does not have to equal disparagement of the other position?

Mary - posted on 01/20/2012

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Hi again! Here's a comment you can throw out there when your threads get hijacked with criticism instead of feedback...."Judgmental, overzealous people are likely to raise judgmental overzealous children and that's just often not considered the "right" way to raise child. I prefer to raise my child to accept others!" :-)



In my experience the personality of the mother is what makes for well raised children not their employment status.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

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Melissa - posted on 03/16/2012

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I'm sure your right Megan it just made me feel like because I no longer go to a job everyday I cannot be on the board. I am still struggling to try and find balance with not working outside of the home. All my friends are still working and I feel like I just cannot relate yet to sahm. However I am not one to judge any working or stay at home mom. We each do what we think is best for our families. I am blessed to have a husband who has the income he has to stay at home, still live the lifestyle I'm used to, give my children everything possible and watch them grow up. Does that make me any better than a mom who goes to work everyday? Hell no!! I do not plan on being home forever but at least Isabella's first year. Does this make me horrible mom knowing I am planning on going back some day? Hell no!!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/16/2012

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Melissa H I agree. I didn't know it was being policed. Like you I used to work out of the home. Being an immigrant to Canada without the ability to work in this country in my career makes me a SAHM right now. I can't wait until that's over with.



However I'm not one of the judging SAHMs and I believe that is who the OP was refering to. Not SAHMs who don't judge someone for what they're doing or have been working moms prior to being SAHMs.

Melissa - posted on 03/16/2012

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Because I was a working mom until just recently after leaving my long time career. But I honestly didn't know there were the working moms police on here.

Michelle - posted on 03/11/2012

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I'm in school fulltime finishing my Masters Degree In Nursing. I've always worked as a Nurse but my school schedule & clinicals wont allow me to do anything else but school. Anyways, I agree & see valid points from everyone's side. I too don't understand why SAHM are posting & judging Working Moms. It's not fair to judge us because we work & say things like we do not raise our kids instead day care does & other stuff like that. All of us work for various reasons. Mine is cause I'm studying to become a Nurse Practitioner to help people. I got my Bachelors Degree & now getting my Masters with 5 Children in the home & my husband being active duty Navy & deployed ALOT I also work to contribute to our household & have a financially secure future for my family.



I'm not coming to the SAHM area & criticizing you for not working. For those who are criticizing & judging us, maybe you have way too much time on your hands & go do something positive & productive with your life! Then, you will be too busy to come judge us & say not nice things just because we wanna have a productive life.



Take Care & God Bless!

Tibi - posted on 02/27/2012

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Working mom too but hate the long hours spent with work rather than playing till I'm tired. I do make it a point to spend as much time with her so I quit the gym and yes the fat rolls are back but I get more time to cook healthy meals, do bathtime (let the nanny go), do story an dbed routines and everything else in between I have an assistant who will come in for at most 2 hours a week for mommy and daddy's date night - otherwise she is always with us

Julie - posted on 02/25/2012

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This is off topic, but the term 'working mom' to describe those who don't stay at home is pretty offensive. Just because a mom doesn't leave the house to go to work doesn't mean she doesn't work. WOHM fits much better



That said, the reason I posted over here, is because the pop up at the bottom had a post that caught my eye, so I joined the conversation. Unless there are specific rules, you, (general not the OP) can't say where a person can/can't post.



And for the record, WOHMs can be just as judgmental as the SAHMs.

[deleted account]

I'm in both because I do both. As a business owner, some months, I don't do anything at all with work, my employees run it. Other months, like this one, I am quite literally swamped with work.



I try to keep the majority of my work contained in Jan, Feb, March, and April because those months J is in school, sports are at a minimum, holidays are over, and my community work is out of season.



In the summer through fall, I feel, even though I make the occasional stop by the office, management company, or lawyer, I am pretty much completely a sahm.



That said, as a sahm, I don't sit at home all day hulled up in my house with my kid. We go out! We volunteer, where I get a sense of accomplishment, social interaction with a variety of different people; We visit museums and festivals where we can learn and stimulate our minds; We have sporting events, weekend trips, art classes, music lessons, shopping, the list could go on and on.

It seems to me that most working moms think that if they do not work, they would be stuck at home, alone, cooking and cleaning and tending kids all day--that simply is not the case. Very few sahm's actually Stay at Home all day.

Susana - posted on 02/24/2012

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I don't think a title change is needed. No one is saying that being a full-time mom isn't work, but I think it's pretty well understood that "Working Mom" means a mother who has a job other than parenting with her own income (whether it's working outside of the home, working from home, or working for herself). There is a SAHM thread, and I think it's also pretty well understood that "stay at home mom" means someone who is a full-time mother. I'm not working 100% of the time; I "stay at home" evenings and weekends, but I wouldn't think that I should call myself a SAHM or that the SAHM thread needs a new title. There's also the generic "motherhood" thread where everyone can interact.

[deleted account]

i prefer working to staying at home. at least at work i see a variety of people and get to talk to coworkers who are nothing like my husband so i get more intellectual stimulation. (not that he's not intellectually stimulating, just that i can only take so much xD) i also prefer having that extra money to put back for when my babies grow up and go to school and want to do school-related things like clubs and band and all that fun stuff i couldn't do because i lived out of town and my parents didn't have money. i want to give my children every opportunity i can, and for me, working is the way to do that. i'm not ashamed of wanting that extra money for nice things either, and i don't think any mom should ever feel ashamed of wanting a few good things around the house. as with everything, the key is moderation, but a little luxury never hurt anyone.



i tried to be a sahm with my daughter, but i wasn't ready for the experience of being a mom, let alone dropping everything to be one. i want, NEED a little independence, and i have been able to get it through working. but my daughter is never without at least one parent at any given time. i only work part time in the mornings so she's with daddy all day and mommy all night. it has worked out great for us.



maybe after i have my son in July i will be ready to try being a sahm again, but then again i'll be going back to school too so i might as well dive into the fray head-first and continue working until hubby gets enough of a raise that we won't need my income. i think it has the opportunity to be a fun and exhilarating experience, me with a newborn working AND going to school...fun fun, lol!

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 02/23/2012

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I have been on both sides and found that I am just not cut out to be a SAHM. I do however recognize that it is a hard ass job as well. I just need to feel advancement in my indivdual self and for me I can only get that outside the home. Some SAHM's can do it at home with their children.



Some Mom's are quite capable of staying home day in and day out with their children, I am just not one of them.. Tried it and almost died (not really but felt like I was going to). I need daily outside achievements, away from my children.



With that said, there is nothing wrong with a SAHM or a Working Mom. As long as you are happy because in the end that is what makes your family happy... An unhappy Mom can be devastating to the entire flow of the family unit. ;)



Edited to add: I have been a mom for 14 years... So it is not something I have only touched subject on in my life. ;)

Audra - posted on 02/23/2012

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I think the title should be changed to something that clarifies the Working Moms community is for moms who work/have a career outside of the home. Not only do SAHMs feel they belong to this group of Working Moms because raising children is work, but SAHMs also run into a few of the same issues as Working Moms...the kids don't always allow you to be 'present' at home and meal planning and when to spend time with a spouse are issues both groups could have. You just kind of ignore those posts in which one group is claiming superiority over another because who's to judge...but if it's a consistent issue perhaps you could request a title change from Circle of Moms.

Michelle - posted on 02/21/2012

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Love that comment...if only those with closed minds came with closed mouths. :-) Too true! We can't judge unless we've been on the other side. Every situation is different. I'm sure some SAHM would like to work and some working moms would like to stay home. I'm the breadwinner in our family and carry the benefits (health, dental and vision insurance, college tuition remission, etc.) so I don't have the option of being a SAHM but I'm just as capable of raising my children properly.

**Jackie** - posted on 02/21/2012

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I have just recently quit my career at the bank. Four months ago I decided to be a SAHM so before that I was a working mom. I ONLY did this because most of my pay check was going to the day care. I loved my career and as soon as the kids are in school I will go back for sure. If you can juggle working, home stuff and kids....then I say You Go Girl!

Pam - posted on 02/21/2012

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I'm a past working mom on a year long maternity in Canada... I had two kids in the past 3 years so I've been off at home for 2 years almost, and working for one as a mother. SO you can say I'm 50/50. That said, who really cares what other people do right? I'm more concerned about whats for dinner, what we're doing as a family on the weekend, if my kids are eating a balanced diet, getting proper exercise, rest and stimulation. Alas, I do hear you, there seems to be a lot of argumentative woman/mothers out there shoving their noses into other peoples morals and values as if it were their own. You have to wonder, are they're kids missing a diaper change while their blowing their steam at other mothers who are trying to parent their own style? It takes all kinds to make different personalities out there, and I kinda like having my own unique personality stemming from a different background, family history and value system. My dad stayed at home with us, my mom did not, I'm okay, and I'm not a criminal nor stupid.

Kelly - posted on 02/18/2012

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I was a SAHM with my first baby, who is now almost 9. I have been working for 6 years, since my youngest was a baby. I wanted to stay at home with my kids until they started school, but I got divorced, so out of necessity, I went to work. I don't regret staying at home, nor do I regret working to provide for my kids. Of course they are both in school now, and I work at a school, so they don't feel neglected.

SHARON - posted on 02/18/2012

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I agree. The negativity is unnecessary. We come here for support, not to feel as if we have to defend ourselves against attacks. I think it only takes one negative comment from a SAHM or Working Mother to fuel the fire, then it doesn't seem to matter which thread they are on. Through the years, I have stayed at home with my children, but I have also worked both part-time and full-time. I commend all those mothers who are able to work, keep it together at home, help with homework and still make games, practices, etc. It is NOT easy by any means and it takes a strong, dedicated woman to do it all. Not all women are able to stay at home because they financially need to work or just love their career and just don't want to leave it, and why should they ? What counts is the quality of time you spend with you kids, not necessarily the quantity.

Michelle - posted on 02/17/2012

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I think some people just need to stop being so bloody judgemental! I have just come from scanning another thread where the women are pretty much attacking each other. (pretty sure this has already been said but anyway) Maybe SAHM's have joined this thread to see if there is anyway they can help, for ideas or thoughts about working or other such things, I am in both the working mums and SAHM's threads because I work and am a SAHM (I work part time and look after my daughter the other days, she is in daycare when I am not working) I am about to post this in another thread because I am tired of reading about how some SAHM's are responding and how some working mums are responding the keyword in these topics are MUMS (or moms if your in america)

Kimberly - posted on 02/16/2012

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I personally feel like being a "SAHM" is a choice just like being a "Working Mom" is another choice. However, I chose to be a "Working Mother" because I am the provider for my son and being a "Struggling SAHM" was absolutely NOT an option for me. However, whichever category mom's fall in does not make one better than another. There are 24 hours in a day and choosing to work 8 of those hours (excluding the weekends that I have off) gives me the rest of the time to devote to my son and it doesn't make me any less of a mother for doing so. I am a very happy mother and my son is a very happy baby and although at times I would prefer to spend my working hours with him, I appreciate the fact that I'm able to create an excellent work/life balance in my life that allows me to be mentally, emotionally and physically prepared for taking on both responsiblities. However, I was very fortunate that I didn't have to send my child to daycare and was able to have a very close friend of mine who is a SAHM take really good care of him as well as keeping me updated on his actions, milestones, and special times via phone, text and picture messages which makes me even more happier. Like most jobs and working mothers', my company provides excellent time off benefits which allows my son and I to take vacations together twice a year as well as allow me to attend any neccessary field trips or school functions and anything thing else that may arise in the future because regardless of what my status is whether working or stay-at-home, my son will ALWAYS come first. Ladies, we should ALWAYS continue to encourage each other as Mothers because we have the most time consuming yet REWARDING job of all which is being a Mother and that's what it's all about.

Tovah - posted on 02/13/2012

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I CHOSE to be a SAHM for 13 yrs. That was the choice made out of how I felt as a child whose mother "was never there". I found a decent job that I love and finally got out of an abusive marriage. Now I am a single mom of 3 working minimum wage at a job I love and getting ready to start school to enhance my job opportunities.

As you can see I have been in both positions. Being a working mom is hard because there are milestones that you may miss bc you are working. Being a SAHM mom is hard bc if your spouse only makes enough to get by then you stay at home and do nothing, don't get to make new friends, or see old ones and lose them.

Please everyone think about and talk to those on the other side before making judgements.

I saw something on FB the other day it read, If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/31/2012

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A few months. The permanent resident paperwork is a pain in the butt! I'm a care aide though and they're really short staffed here in BC so I'll probably get a job easier than my husband. The only other pain is that my employer will have to fill out extra paperwork to hire me.



My mom now works from home too- she has since my brother was in high school. I consider her a working grandma not a SAHM grandma. She trains people on computer programs and travels.

Susana - posted on 01/31/2012

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My mom worked from home while I was growing up, and I would definitely consider her a working mom, not a SAHM. In fact, she worked more that any of the other moms I knew (she was up at 6 or 6:30am and often worked past 11pm). And I like to think I turned out okay, LOL!



Megan, how long before you get your work permit in Canada?

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/31/2012

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Thanks. And I'm not here to judge either. Maybe feel a little envious, but not judge. Of course after hearing about my friends' work days I don't feel as bad :)



I do know who you mean because I saw a few of a certain person's posts pretty much stating that working moms are stressing their children out. WTF.

Teresa - posted on 01/31/2012

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No I actually work from home so I am a stay at home mom that also works from home

Susana - posted on 01/31/2012

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Of course, no one needs to ask permission to be on the board (I apologize if my post came across that way)! If you have something constructive to say, then by all means, the more the merrier!



I'm just saying that the Ms. Judging McJudgypantses can take their hatred of working moms elsewhere. No working mom here is going to say, "By golly, THANK YOU for opening my eyes with your rude, insensitive and insulting comment! I shall quit my job and stay home 24/7 with the children now. My life would have been so meaningless if I had not been blessed with your insight on the anonymous interwebs!" So they're wasting their time and energy (and everyone else's).

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/31/2012

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I'm just wondering though. If you're a SAHM who is on working moms to support working moms or because you have worked before, is that okay?

Teresa - posted on 01/31/2012

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I am not here to judge at all. I am on both threads because I stay at home but i also work from home

Cynthia - posted on 01/26/2012

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i am on this thread and sahm too because i work at home. i do feel like i can contribute when it comes to work and family life balance. is this ok by you and other moms here....

Tulani - posted on 01/26/2012

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If you Work From Home are you a WFM? I Stay At Home because that's where my work is! Perhaps, I'm just a "two-fer". Don't let anyone put a bee in your bonnet! This is supposed to be a supportive, informative place for ALL mothers. I'll bet there are some child "free" people on threads too!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/26/2012

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I post in the working moms thread because I did work and fully understand trying to keep the balance between working and being a mommy. My situation as a SAHM is different from a lot of other SAHMs, I just moved to Canada from the US. I have 6 years of experiance in health care and I can't use it until I finish filling out paperwork for my permanent resident visa. I can't wait until I can work, like Alexandra even if I didn't need to work I would at least work part time for my sanity. I also love my career and feel like I'm actually doing something instead of getting frustrated over never ending laudry.



SAHMs who have chosen not to work because they feel they're doing the right thing have no right to come on and judge working moms.

Alexandra - posted on 01/23/2012

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The best mother for their children is one who is happy and fulfilled. Every woman is different, however, and needs different things to achieve that. If you are fulfilled by being a SAHM then good for you, although it’s still important to have things in life that are just for yourself. I’m fortunate that I don’t need to work for financial reasons but I do need to work for my own sanity. If I were to give up my work I would be giving up an important part of myself. I (and my husband) have changed my work schedule so that I make sure to get home in time to still spend quality time with my son, as that is a priority. He has either had a lovely nanny, who is now like family, or is in daycare, where he gets to interact with other children without mommy around, which I think is a good skill to learn.

My son is happy and well adjusted – even in the midst of his terrible twos! I think that this is partly because his parents are happy and well-adjusted too (relatively speaking! Lol) Whatever a woman needs to get her to that state is what she should be doing. Ignore all the judgement and noise from other mothers and do what works best for you and your family.

Marie - posted on 01/22/2012

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I have been a full-time working outside the house mom, full-time stay at home mom (that was short-lived) and now a work from home mom. All three of those jobs were equally difficult just in different ways.



I've seen these posts come up on other message boards. I really don't think anyone should judge someone else. Everyone is in a different financial, marital and child situation. We have all grown up with different hopes and dreams. They are all right :)



I think as long as the mom and kids are happy then wherever they work (or don't work) is perfect!

Jane - posted on 01/22/2012

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Well I'm a working mum because I want nice things - like food on the table, a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs!!!!! If someone can afford to be a SAHM, maybe they have a husband/partner who will help support them, then good luck to them, but the same is not true of all of us. I don't think one way is right and one is wrong - just right for each of us as individuals and our children.



I, personally, would rather go to work and show my child what it is to have a good work ethic rather than get handouts from the Government (some people do this by choice, although I know many don't have a choice).

Renee - posted on 01/20/2012

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I believe that when people make comments such as you described:



""I'm staying at home so I can raise my children RIGHT" and "You only work because you're selfish and want nice things for yourself." I'm paraphrasing here, but there are posts saying basically those things. Those ARE intended to be offensive and judgmental, and they're unnecessary. "



They are trying to validate THEIR choice. Only you can make the choices that are right for your family. I was lucky enough to take a year off and be a SAHM, I worked prior to that and am working again. I will always be profoundly grateful for that time I got to spend at home with my children. I am also grateful that by working I keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies.

Susana - posted on 01/20/2012

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Thanks, Mary, I appreciate your thoughtful reply! :-)



I understand that some women feel like they need to defend their choice (which they shouldn't need to!), and they don't intend to be offensive. The posts I'm referring to above are the ones along the lines of "I'm staying at home so I can raise my children RIGHT" and "You only work because you're selfish and want nice things for yourself." I'm paraphrasing here, but there are posts saying basically those things. Those ARE intended to be offensive and judgmental, and they're unnecessary.



I, too, have noticed that sometimes Circle of Moms suggests posts for me that are in the SAHM thread because they mention something about working. Perhaps you're right that they want to create hot-button issues, because that means more page views and more posts, which equals more ad revenue. :-(

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