Why do girls have to be so mean?

Veronica - posted on 10/05/2012

For some reason I feel girls are more likely to compete with other girl than boys to boys....I didn't want to have a girl, but after having a boy we were blessed with a cute little girl. What I'm trying to do is to turn her into a little tomboy so she won't feel into that catagory of "I can't get dirty, I can't run, I can't do this cuz I'm girl". I don't if it's going to work, but I guess I'll try to make it the best.

Cindy - posted on 10/05/2012

I have four children. Boys 21, 18, 14, and a girl, almost 8. NEVER did I see the meanness with my boys and their peers that I see with girls. I am and have always been actively involved in my children's activities, so have spent a lot of time with their friends and peers. I've been a Girl Scout leader for over three years. I believe that I am witnessing several bullies-in-the-making. The seven and eight year old girls I lead are already seperating themselves into groups and deliverately "leaving out" some of the others. They talk about some of the other girls in an unkind way and give them nasty looks! When they get partnered with one of the girls they don't like they make rude comments and gestures. I do what I can to discourage it and have even broached the subject with the parents, who mostly brush it off as being a "kids-will-be-kids" type of thing. We are planning on having a "bullying specialist" come in to talk with our girls, so I hope it does some good in reversing some of the negative behavior that is poisoning our group. My personal observations, not proven of course--just what I have experienced, are that many of these girls have parents or siblings that exhibit some poor parenting behaviors, such as "bashing" other women or girls in front of (or even worse, TO) their children, allowing their girls to watch/listen-to age inappropriate shows and music which encourages their girls to be more "worldly" than they're ready for, not "noticing" their children's inappropriate behavior or correcting it when they do, not setting limits or correcting their children's poor behavior, etc. My children are like most. They have and continue to make mistakes regularly. BUT, I want to say that I have had MANY people comment on my children's polite and kind behavior. I won't take full responsibility for that, but I do want to say that whenever I've witnessed my own children behaving inappropriately toward others, I take action immediately. I don't take it lightly. I stress that what they are doing (or having done to them) is WRONG. We discuss why it is not okay. AND, GASP!!! THE CONTROVERSIAL PART: I tell them that I NEVER want to see them behave that way again!!! I tell them that it is not acceptable, that we are NOT that type of family. So far, it has worked. I keep my fingers crossed, of course. I don't pretend to be an expert, but so far, so good.

Heather - posted on 07/26/2011

Does Julie have any advice for what to do when your daughter starts to act like a mean girl?!?! My daughter will soon be in the 4th Grade and is starting to "reject" some of her longtime playmates. I understand if they have outgrown each other, but I don't get the meanness!!!! What do I do?!? How do I help her with this transition? I will discuss her behavior and it's impact on others. She knows better. What is going on?!

Yovette - posted on 09/11/2010

OMG I have one she is now 19 believe me when I tell u I wish I had paid more attention 2 the signs but you got the chance nip it out now. Pick her friends, reassure her of her manners and teach her how 2 express herself with words,not 2 attack with words but 2 express kindly respectful and the way she would like 2 be treated.

Marilynn - posted on 09/11/2010

I teach school and my experience is that girls in 4th grade are the worst for being mean to each other. My own daughter had a terrible time in 4th grade but in the later grades things seemed to get much better. Good luck!

Lee Ann - posted on 08/31/2010

My 7 year old daughter had some incidents last year with two controlling young ladies that would tag team some of the other girls in class, trying to get them to submit to their wishes. My nugget slowly learned to stay away from them and not to get entangled in their web and she was much happier for it. She is not having to deal with them as a team this year in school which is a blessing.

Grace - posted on 08/31/2010

Kids are definitely a lot meaner nowadays!!! My biggest problem is that sometimes some parents don't care. I think if parents pay enough attention, kids will not bully or be bullied.
I think the most difficult part is when a bully's parent is in denial, and they refuse to see their kids for what they really are...

Cassandra - posted on 08/29/2010

Get on to the higher source like the Department of Education, and inform them of the principles remark that isnt good enough, you have to make people stand up and be accountable for the bullying and bitchiness. Keep on making a fuss I know it seems like its not dong anything but the ONE THING it will do is reassure your daughter that it is not acceptable, keep on doing it and keep on going back and making a point that its not going to go away, you have ti make a fuss and like I said GO HIGHER and even higher than that, talk to the media they love this sort of thing - keep on making a fuss and soon someone will listen, but most important is that you are making it known that this is happening and thats really important to your child who needs to know that no matter how many closed doors might be presented you just continue to knock on them until someone opens up :) Good Luck with it all....

Marcie - posted on 08/27/2010

My daughter is 11 years old and there was a girl bullying her at school. The abuse my daughter was suffering at school occurred in front of her core teacher, in the schoolyard and in front of all of her peers.

It took several visits to the school and it wasn't until I called a meeting between me, her parents and the superintendent of the school board that the bullying stopped.

When I asked the principal about the school boards so called Zero Tolerance policy he told me himself that it was a joke and impossible to uphold as there are always two sides to a story (even though there were always witnesses who were too scared to take a stand).

My daughter would dis-engage but would end up upset because the abuse would continue right in the classroom and she would feel powerless. The last time I was there I wanted to call a meeting. I also stated that if I was subjecting my kids to the kind of abuse at home that was happening to her at school, they would have called child protective services on me a long time ago. It wasn't until I said these things that the bullying stopped. It was a long road that's for sure.

Cassandra - posted on 08/24/2010

My daughter is now 11 years old, and all through life she has had to put up with bullies, i have taught her that mean little girls grow up to be mean big girls, with a limited friendship group. My daughter is a pure, gentle fun loving kid and it used to break my heart to see her get hurt by the horrible things sme other little gems would say to her. I think the trick here is to teach your child to 'cope' and 'ignore' the bully. It does become problematic if you fall into the habit or badgering or putting down other children because of their behaviour, often the bully is venting their own personal vengeance on the world because of some other issue (possibly at home, with other siblings etc). Its important to teach your child to respect others and not be intimidated by bullies, this is a hard lesson which will be revised over and over as they grow up. My advice is to teach your child to respect others and be aware that not everyone is as nice as we would like them to be and sometimes the bully might just need a friend themselves. GIRLS CAN BE MEAN, the bitchiness and backstabbing is all part of the big wide world we are all living in, but its the lessons taught at home that we take with us on our journeys, and the best lesson is to 'love yourself' and be proud of the person you are, and to understand that we arent all the same, its what makes us unique - the difference between us and them, the mean girls, the popular girls, the smart girls, the pretty girls - we are all that on the inside and if you teach your child to love those things about themself then no bully will ever break their own vision of themself or discourage them from being the kind of children you want to be proud of. Its heartbreaking when ,y daughter comes home from school and tells me about mean girls, but I say the same thing, you know babe as long as you like the person you are it doesnt matter what other peoole think!

Nonhlanhla - posted on 08/24/2010

Are they that bad, so you mean i'm must be happy to have a boy *gsp* .....

NomNom - posted on 08/23/2010

just don't worry about it.
kids are kids , they'll always be mean.
some grow out of it , some don't..
just make sure she knows how far she can go with being mean.

Kerryn - posted on 08/23/2010

I have always told my daughter that mean girls are just jealous of her, be it what she's wearing, or who or what she's playing at the time - she then decides whether it's worth inviting that child to play with her, and if not seems to find that it's a bit sad that he / she is so sad they have to be naughty.
Seems to have worked so far..... and reassures her that the mean girls aren't mean because of anything she's done!

Debbie - posted on 08/18/2010

My daughter went to school today but found out yesterday that one of the girls who botherd her last year is on her team at school I told her if she does anything to just not give her attention b/c if you do it will just make her ACT more...give her an audience she will do not and she cannot...hopefully all will be good and if it keeps up I will be on the phone to the dean and the police officer on duty at the school to nip this in the bud!!!

Debbie - posted on 08/18/2010

@ Sue Did they suggest having it taken care of around the age of my 4 my neighbors daughter had the same thing and she had surgery at 4 and everything was fine she is 9 now...I had one believe it or not when I was 33 and man did it hurt..GL hope your lil one does well with it :)

Rose - posted on 08/17/2010

Keep teaching your girls that mean girls will only be mean if they let them. Show them that standing up to a bully usually deflates their bravado and makes them back down. As Eleanor Roosevelt so eloquently said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." If you teach your daughters at an early age that they have a lot to do with the way people treat them, they will be able to fend off attacks by mean girls and find nicer girls to be friends with.

Sue - posted on 08/17/2010

Its such a sad state of affairs when we have to worry about such things as bullying at such a young age. My darling is 13 months and has a hernia on her belly button. When i enquired at the doctors about the best treatment she advised me to do something about it before she goes to school as she could get bullied . I was horrified. Not having had the best of school experiences myself when i was a child i do worry for her. I do agree though that if you do your very best to make sure you raise and send a confident, secure and well loved child out into the world things will go alot better for them. Thats my goal!!

Debbie - posted on 08/16/2010

I agree with Abby Normal my duaghter is in 8th grade this year and OMG the girls are so mean we had a couple of run in's with 2 certain girls all year and as it turned out it was all on one of their parts plus they were sisters the younger one listend to the older..thank God the younger one realized they were wrong and it stopped :)

Cherie - posted on 08/15/2010

Its hard to explain to little ones that the mean kids are just that, mean. For some reason those are the kids they want to play with. My son's friend is constantly being mean to him yet he always wants to play with him. Its baffling but sometimes you have to keep an eye on them and hope the figure it out sooner than later

Lily - posted on 08/15/2010

My daughter is 4 and she's had her deal of mean kids to play with. Sometimes I feel like I have to step in and give those kids a piece of my mind, because my daughter really doesn't understand yet that they are being mean to her. I wish she would just walk away and play somewhere else with someone else, but instead she always seems to follow those kids that make fun of her and tell her mean things.

Cherie - posted on 08/14/2010

I would definitely recommend that as the girls get older, check in whether their school has a Girls on the Run team. The program teaches girls that they are smart, beautiful and perfect just as they are while teaching them how to deal with bullies, gossip, negativity and how to be part of a team. Through my experiences with the program the last two years, it works wonders with girls, preparing them for life and a healthy lifestyle.

Manal - posted on 08/13/2010

boys also can be very mean,its always important to know everything in our kids lives and gain their trust to protekt them

Adena - posted on 08/09/2010

This is great advice. It starts young and I find that some children never grow out of it. I have experienced mean girls in my adult relationships which is just odd. You hope at a certain age, women will stop behaving like children and step on over to the adult chair.

Warmly,

Adena/mother of two
founder of Nature's Baby Organics

Siti Nurul Aini - posted on 08/09/2010

hurmmmm ... i don't have a daughter but i have a son. I guess the situation are quite similar with little boys. Unfortunately my son is only four years old and there are mean little boys in his school which eventually bullies him from time to time. What I notice is that he developed the same mean pattern as his friend did. He started teasing, being selfish and started being mean even to some of the kids older than him. So what I did was, when he finished his school hours I would directly take him home and wouldn't let him spend more time with these mean little boys. Eventually it works, he started to be less mean towards elders, stop calling names and start being friends with a nicer kids. It works. Maybe u can try! ;p

Michelle - posted on 08/07/2010

Easier said than done! My daughter is 14. Lots of mean girls! I don't understand why girls are the way they are... and I am a girl...

Angela - posted on 08/07/2010

I bet we can all remember the exact name of the person who bullied us at school, no matter how many years ago it was! I actually came across one of my old ´bullies´at my sister´s bachelorette party. In fact we were staying in her house which I didn´t know at the time! When I saw her, I was filled with all those old feelings again. The situation turned out okay, she actually admitted to being horrified (now) at the way she had treated me back then, which was nice. She was impressed at what I had done in my life, and I was surprised in that her approval meant absolutely zero to me! At high school I woulda done anything for an approving word from her.

Shantice - posted on 08/06/2010

Girl's are something... I remind her of the times when someone was being mean to her, and explain to her that that's how she's making them feel. It seems to go in one ear and out the other. I pray that it gets better. I don't want to be the mom of the girl who no one likes! :p

Sheryl - posted on 08/06/2010

I worry about that Shantice. I don't want anyone to be mean to my daughter then I pray she isn't the mean one. I guess it goes in stages. I guess all we can really do is lead by example and hope for the best unless it gets out of control. Girl's are something else that is for sure!

Shantice - posted on 08/06/2010

The advice sounds like a plan, but I can remember 3 years ago when my daughter was just 3 and her playmate was constantly switching moods on her and being mean. I would always tell my daughter that she had other kids to play with and to not play with the girl who was being mean to her. Now, 3 years later, my daughter is the mean girl! It seemed just like yesterday that she would come into the house pouting and slamming doors because all the other girls outside were being mean to her and oh how the tables have turned! I'm not proud of my daughters actions, not one bit, and that I do share with her. But, I guess, to her, it must feel like she has to dish out the "badness" before the other girls do it first!

Marline - posted on 08/06/2010

That is excellent idea, thanks :-)

Becky - posted on 08/05/2010

My daughter is almost 9, she's had her fair share of kids picking on her for all kinds of reasons. Over all she's a happy girl, but she's very sensitive & can be very emotional. And yes her younger years were full of love & encouragement, just as she is now showered with love & praise. It's hard to tell her to ignore the other kids and play with someone else because she usually feels bad for the other child too, even if they are the one's being mean.

Mostly I tell her to try and not pay any attention to the mean kids. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't. I think over all, keep giving your child the best advise you can, then you have to let them learn to deal with those situations on their own (unless of course it's a bully with a pattern of discriminating behavior or your child is in physical danger).

Annmarie - posted on 08/05/2010

My girls are 13, 14, and 17 and all of them have had to exercise their backbone. Nowadays girls are so pressured and yes they are harsh. I don't tell them who to be friends with, yet I discuss the best way to handle situations. One day they are friends and the next they hate that same girl. What a roller coaster.As long as you are reassuring your daughter of your support and protection, as she uses good moral judgment you'll be fine.

Marline - posted on 08/05/2010

I have a 7 yr old girl and I have taught her from a very young age to be very confident and with this she has learnt that is girls/children are been mean, she walks away from them - she does'nt not play with them etc. Its amazing how children as little as 3yr old start developing mean streaks in them?

Abby - posted on 08/04/2010

That is good advice. My daughter is in middle school and it seems like kids are a lot meaner now. The problem is that adults are not around as much and middle schools are very large with plenty of opportunities to abuse and steal from other kids. I tell her to find her own friends and supportive adults when possible.