Why do SAHM's say that working moms are bad moms?

Elizabeth - posted on 07/23/2010 ( 604 moms have responded )

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I am just curious. I get on Yahoo answers a lot, and there are some rude moms on that website. At one time I read that a SAHM said that working moms are bad parents. And in not so many words one of my friends told me pretty much the same thing to my face. The nerve of some people!

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Wendy - posted on 07/26/2010

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I don't think one can really debate the issue of stay at home moms vs working moms. Each person is in a unique situation, has a unique set of circumstances, a unique personality and a unique history. One makes the decision to work or stay at home based on childhood experiences, personality, finances and circumstances. A mom is generally going to make a decision that is best for her children. Every mom knows her circumstances and personality best. I had a stay at home mom and she was great - she loved teaching us and being there for us. I hated being at home. I adore my children but missed the challenges of work, the mental stimulation and the independence. I was a miserable mom at home. I am a great working mom. I enjoy every minute with my children at the end of the day. I love reading them stories, doing homework etc. I tend to do MUCH more with them in the 2-3 hours at the end of the day then I managed in a whole day when I stayed at home (generally I felt tired, screamed a lot about the mess, and seemed to be saying NO - STOP THAT all the time). A happy mom is always the best one. One can not judge another mom, her circumstances are never the same as your own. Obviously one tends to think the decision you make is the best one (and it is for you) but you should not impose you personal opinions on others about whom you know little. Don't take these comments that you spoke about personally. Working or staying a home one has to make sacrifices and it is hard either way. The trick is balance and finding peace within yourself and you decision. If you are a happy self confident mom, your children will be happy and self confident children. Children need love. If you are giving your children love and quality time you are a wonderful mom. When you get home from work just focus on them and give them your full attention. Be happy and make the time you do spend with them as special as possible. Let them know every day that you love them and that they are precious to you. When they ask you why you work be honest.

Christina - posted on 07/24/2010

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Not all SAHM feel this way, you just happened to come across some who do. Just like there are working moms who look down on sahm and say we're lazy and don't do anything yada yada. I am a stay at home to 3 girls, ages 4, 3, and 10 months. I've worked every day of my life since I turned 16 up until last October. I had a job I loved, and it hurt me to give it up. But the cost of daycare was approx. $2000 a month. My husband and I saw no choice but for me to stay home because my income wasn't even that much. Trust me, we do not live in luxury. We literally live paycheck to paycheck, I don't buy anything for myself, I buy everything store brand when I can, we've sold a lot of stuff to have extra money, etc etc. We've had to sacrifice a lot for me to stay at home but there just wasn't any other option.

For the record, I obviously do not think working moms are bad. Not only do working moms have to work 8-10 hours a day, then they have to come home and cook, clean, help with homework, and then try to spend as much quality time with the kids before they go to bed. Being a mom, whether you work outside the home, or stay home with them all day, is a tough job. Kudos to all you great moms who do whatever is best for you and your family!

Jennifer - posted on 07/23/2010

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THey have never walked a mile in our shoes! I am a single mom (and I am sure they will tell me that is my fault and all that blah...) well, guess what? That person probably has it made as far as luxury.. there is strength in being a hard working mom and most of us HAVE TO WORK!!!! I ignore them... they are ignorant and that is sad and lets pray that their lives stay perfect for them.. or they will surely be lost in the hard reality of a working world! You are providing and that is okay.. You need to get around people who will support you and understand your position. You are fine!! :) Blessings!

[deleted account]

Oh and I just wanted to add that yes my husband and I go out once a month on our "date night". On those nights one of the grandparents get to come over and spend time with their grandchildren. I am not jealous of those moms that work and let a daycare or the public school raise their kids. I feel bad for the kids and the parents. I know my kids are happier with us than if they had to deal with the dramas of daycare and moody providers. My children are much happier with the friends they have made in their extracurricular classes and the fact that mom is able and willing to stay home with them. I am appalled that anyone would suggest we are all jealous of working moms. Most of us aren't and quite frankly we all need to accept that everyone is going to have a different opinion on this subject. This is a subject that has been debated for decades and I promise you it will be debated long after our children are grown and they have their own kids. Again I am incredibly proud that I can still be a SAHM and I know when I go to work there are people that depend on me. Those people are a paycheck and a means to an end. They are not and never will be my passion. I care for people just like I want to be treated and cared for but once I leave work I don't really care what happens. I just wish everyone could agree to disagree. I also wish that people would just learn to avoid those that truly offend them. It would make people much happier and more pleasant for everyone.

Emily - posted on 07/23/2010

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I really don't think the majority of SAHMs feel that way.



I was hurt once by a friend who told me once that all moms should stay home, because your kids are only young once. And that any family can make it work on one income if you really try. Basically insinuating that if I really loved my kids I'd find a way to stay home. Believe me, I'd stay home if I could! But my family needs my income. It's just not as simple as some people think.



However, I do think people like that are in the minority.

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Allyson - posted on 05/18/2012

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I guess I should've grabbed the popcorn when clicking on this post! Wow, so going through these comments I noticed that either SAHM's are "ignorant" or working moms have the more realistic and healthy lifestyle. I am a SAHM, but I certainly don't feel that I am superior to a working mom! I am finishing up a bachelor's degree, and do make a small income for my family by doing what I love--teaching dance to 1-5th graders at a local theatre with after school sessions. I also volunteer at the school my younger sisters go to and my mother teaches at. My son has special needs, so caring for him is my full time job, and if he didn't require my every waking minute, you'd better believe I'd be doing more. As it is, though, I managing our finances, taking care of my hard working hubby, and keeping our house clean on top of it all, is completely overwhelming at times. I, however, fully appreciate you working moms because my mom was a single mom of four girls! She got back on her feet after literally escaping our abusive father and relocating 2,000 miles away without a home or prospects. She now has 2 bachelor degrees, her own business and a second full time job teaching at a private school. I owe it all to her, and I'm amazed by all you ladies who have been able to do the same! Go moms!

Amy - posted on 05/15/2012

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I think this is one of those touchy subjects for moms. We all want to do the best for our kids and work hard (at home or in a job) to provide what we think is the best. Everyone has a different family dynamic and situation. Some are single parents, some stay at home, some have a stay at home husband and in some homes both work. The questions to ask yourself are: Is my kid happy? Does it work for my family? Can we afford to live this way? Is my child healthy and safe? Bottom line if those are answered you are a great mom! I have done a little of each, stay at home, had a stay at home husband, both working. It seems like whichever hat I put on someone had something negative to say. You just have to realize that sometimes people have strong opinions and/or want to validate how they are living. Do what's best for your family and ignore the negativity. :) Best wishes for your family!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 05/15/2012

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Sarah, try looking for affordable daycare online in your area. I managed to have one in home day care for 100$ a week and another who charged me hourly or daily rates depending on how long my child was at her home for. Also make sure you do background checks and talk with the parents of the children who go to the daycare

Sarah - posted on 05/15/2012

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I don't understand why working moms say that if something ever happend they could be a working mom. My husband had to go to Aghanastan for me to be able to be a stay at home mom. that wasn't a good choice either my husband will never get those years back he spent deployed and training! he asked me if he could deploy again next month by reinlisting and I said no I'd rather work if I have to, which really isn't an option for us since we can't afford daycare but...

Sarah - posted on 05/15/2012

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I don't! I am a SAHM and have been told that 'real' moms support their child both financially and psycially. I was like wow.

Missy - posted on 05/15/2012

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Good one Cathrine, why can't these SAHM's go and attack those who chooses to have kids and having us working moms having to pay for them to be on welfare. Some stay at home moms do nothing all day but sleep and watch T.V. all day and have all the time in the world to gossip on the phone...Sorry but im proud to be a working mom. there are different ways of supporting our kids and we choose to work for a living to do that!

Teresa - posted on 05/14/2012

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I don' know any mom tha wouldn't want to stay home with her babies, but different life circumstances require a mom to work. We're nor bad mom, we just want our babies tohave a roof over their heads and food to eat.

Missy - posted on 05/14/2012

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I would love to be a stay at home mom because being a mom is first and foremost the most important job. However being a sinlge mom does not call to being home all day and night with my son. I have 3 jobs and i would love to quit 2 of them and stay with my son. i don't think i can ever just indentify myself as just a mom, i have a career outside of that and love working outside the home. Those moms who are making those comments obviously has not realized that it is 2012 and women are aloud to work and help out financially as well.

Supriya - posted on 03/16/2012

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Thats utter rubbish... I've seen SAHMums who do nothing more than keeping their kid's tummy full and watching TV...and working mums like mine was..she used to get up daily at 4.30am...so as we kids always got fresh food for tiffin..got back from work at 6 and immediately used to hit the kitchen for our milk( till the time we were small to be independent)...then attended to our studies...set a wonderful example for us siblings...

I have myself been both..working mum, SAHM and now work from home Mum and I insist that its all about an individual..working or not doesn't server as a reason to be a bad or a good mum. My house is always clean...my kid is always a step ahead her syllabus..I don't have any tuitions for her...If I get to compare to my vicinity SAHMums..I would find myself better than many and may be not that equivalent to some...who are better at utilising their full day at home :-)

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/16/2012

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Say what? I didn't compair you to a pharisee. I was paraphrasing scripture.You are being self righteous by telling women that they are selfish and vain because they work outside of the home. And I'm not the one on here insinuating that working moms don't think of their children as blessings. However, you're free to think and feel how you wish. It's not my concern how you interpret my posts just as it's not your concern how I interpret certain passages.



Also I do believe that many parts of the Bible are judgemental and condemning hence why I don't subscribe soley to its teachings. So point for you. Also you are right that it is not up to you to to convince everyone that God is the only way to seek truth. It's nice that you believe in God, and wonderful that you believe so firmly in His teachings. But it's not right to assume that everyone needs to do exactly as you do to be right in the eyes of the Lord.



By your statement that you can get into heaven soley by believing in God and relying soley on his word then my ex husband is going to heaven and I'm not based soley on the fact that he is a born again Christian and I'm agnostic. Nevermind that he's broken a few commandments, ignores one of his children and is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive while I've been a good mother, was faithful to him and have never neglected my duties to my children.



Now you can continue to preach to everyone, try to bring me back into the fold, question my beliefs and question why so many women 'selfishly' wish to work outside of the home. But I'm busy watching Ellen and my children so I don't really have time to chat. And I will give you fair warning- a Jehovah's Witness tried to convert me once 2hrs a day, 3 days a week in person for nearly a month and it didn't work.

Shatoyia - posted on 03/16/2012

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Megan, that scripture is referring to those who self-righteously parade their works. Sharing my faith isn't the same thing. I recognize that I am a imperfect sinner saved by grace. That's why I'm glad that Jesus is the standard not me:-) Jesus said that He IS the way, THE truth, and THE Life and that no man can get to God the Father except through Him; that is pretty firm to me!



Would your post to me be considered judgmental and condemning? You did refer to me as a Pharisee. If you believe something I said was judgemental and condemning then you believe that Bible is judgemental and condemning because I'm repeating what is in the scriptures. I don't have the power to convince anyone of their need for a savior only God can do that. Neither can I cause you to not put your trust in God. You've made that decision.



Being a Christian isn't about being perfect it's about recognizing that I'm not perfect and that I need Christ to save me. You can do what you believe is right but that doesn't mean it is right. Same for me. God knows what is right because He is infinite in wisdom so therefore I look to Him. We can look to our own understanding but one day we'll have to stand before God and give an account for the sinful choices we've made unless we're covered by the righteousness of Christ we have no hope in front of a holy and righteous God. It would be un-Christian of me not to share my faith:-) God's grace to you and your family!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/16/2012

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Well... since you brought the Duggars into it you must be right! How could I have doubted someone who watches the Duggars and follows the quiverfull movement and the Bible? Nevermind that they have a contract with TLC and endorsements from companies to support nineteen children. If they can do it anyone can.



Yes I know, I'm now being rude and sarcastic now, but this has been going on for quite a few hours and Shatyoia you're not understanding that not everyone believes as you do. The women on this forum believe that working outside of the home is fullfilling and helpful to their families. Nothing you can say is going to change that.



Furthermore, how dare you have the nerve to imply that since we work outside of the home (or inside) that we don't see our children as gifts and blessings? I'm adopted! My mom sees both myself and my brother as huge gifts to her and she works outside of the home too. I nearly DIED giving birth to my second child last year and I fought to keep my older daughter so she wouldn't be with her abusive father! So don't you dare sit there and claim that since we work oustide of the home that our children aren't important to us!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/16/2012

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Shatoyia, the Bible also says to be wary of people who go around trumpeting their faith such as the Pharasis (I know I'm paraphrasing, but you get my point) and I doubt Jesus went about insisting that people believe as He does. He wasn't pushy about his beliefs.



But I regress, I'm not claiming to be Christian I'm agnostic. I was raised Catholic and yes I sent my older daughter to a Catholic school. However I sent her to that school because it was better than sending her to the hell hole of a school district I went to. There are a lot of beliefs that I respect in Christianity (same with Islam and Judaism, ) but there are also a lot of hypocrisies that I saw in that religion so I can't be true to a lot of what I believe and follow one religion. Reading your posts I'm seeing a lot of judgement and condemnation for women who do not do as you do and I'm finding more reason not to return to any faith.



Again, to you Shatoyia, being a helpmate doesn't mean 'taking on your husband's responsibilities' But not every woman (including Christian women) believes as you do. To me and to others a helpmate means you help whenever you're needed. Including financially. This is what I was taught as a child, this is how I was raised. In my family there are no male and female jobs because that's not how my husband and I opperate. Yes there are certain chores that I do better than he does. But there are things that he does better than I do as well and we help each other. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I am supposed to submit to my husband (happily or not) and where male and female roles are so rigidly defined. That is not how I was raised and it is not in my way of thinking. It's in yours.



Shatoyia, my parents taught me and my brother that God granted us free will to think for ourselves and to make ourselves and those in our lives happy. It is up to each of us as individuals to think for ourselves, not what some book tells us to think. I am doing what I believe is right for my family as is every other woman on here who you so unkindly refered to as selfish, vain and uncaring about her family's well being. That wasn't very Christian in my opinion.



My husband's way of thinking is you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. All you're asked to do in every religion is to live the best life you can and to own up to any mistakes that you make when your life is over. Because you did what you did and there is all there is to it. Nobody can tell you to live your life differently if it conflicts with your personal morals and beliefs. Also don't force your beliefs or morals on others. Because our lives are our own. And personally I prefer that way of thinking to the one of condemning those who don't believe as we feel they should.

Shatoyia - posted on 03/16/2012

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Kelly, as Thomas Sowell once said, "What do statistics mean to the individual?". If there are families who do survive on one income then it can be done BUT not all families want that therefore it isn't something they are going to do. What I am saying is that it isn't true! If it were true, then there shouldn't be any families who can live off of the income of one spouse. I know families from all over America, where the cost of living is low and where it's high, who more than survive off of one income. The problem is that Americans have become addicted to consuming material things. I think it's realistic to say that more families are in debt where both parents are working full-time vs the family who is living on just the husband's income. The Duggars are a great example of what happens when a family sees children as a blessing and debt as a burden and not vice versa.

Francine - posted on 03/16/2012

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Shatoyia, please stop this non-sense thinking about the reasons why women need to be in the workforce, you have no idea what the financial situations are in the households of people, as for myself, we have 2 salaries coming in as I mentioned earlier and we are not in debt, the only debt I have is my car because I didn't have that kind of money in the bank to buy my car with cash so the bank lent me the money I needed.



As for believing women are to submit to their husbands, I'm wondering if you're not living back in early 20th century when mom did stay home and dad was in the workforce, my mother is a very christian woman as I stated before and she was a working mother as are my sisters and myself. I am very proud of my mother being independent like she was, it made my sisters and myself very independent women that are capable of making decision by themselves without having to pass it to their husbands first to see if it complies with them. Please educate yourself with the womans' movement, we've worked very hard to be where we are today in the world. Do you practice the freedom to vote on Election Day? Do you practice the right to be able to own anything at all without having your husband's permission or your husband's signature on paper? If you can answer yes to these questions, then this movement is not all in vain. I know personally I would not like to have any of these rights revoked because I'm a woman.

Susana - posted on 03/16/2012

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Shatoyia, please stop proselytizing. The bible also prohibits eating pork or shellfish, trimming beards, wearing mixed threads, etc. I'm sure you follow all those rules to a tee as well. Some of us don't, and a complete stranger on the internet is not going to change that.

Shatoyia - posted on 03/16/2012

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Megan,



Just because a woman can make more than the husband doesn't negate that it is the husband's responsibility to provide. If we go back to the fall in the garden (Genesis 3) who did God curse with the responsibility of hard work? It was Adam not Eve. Since I profess Christ then I want to live my life in a way that honors Him. According to Titus 2, that's what I am suppose to do and I gladly accept God's call for me. Submission is a wonderful blessing from God and my husband leads in a way that I want to follow him and submit to him. Megan, the scriptures aren't left up to our own interpretation but God's. Being a help mate doesn't mean taking on my husband's responsibilities as provider or spiritual leader of the family. Deut 6 can't be fulfilled if both parents are working full-time jobs outside the home. Titus 2 can't be fulfilled if a woman is spending most of her time outside the home to the point where she is too tired or neglecting her responsibilities to her husband and children. Of course, these things only apply to women who are professing to be Christians. Debt is a major issue and I believe one of the reasons why so many women are working outside the home. I'm living proof that you can get out of debt with one income, because we're doing it! It takes sacrifice but it's well worth it:-)

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/16/2012

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*head desk* Thankfull I don't follow the Bible word for word. And what would the husband's excuse be for being too tired to help us (my husband wants to know, not me)



Maybe the men in our lives aren't Christian. I married an athiest last year who places a very high vaule on his marital vows and the meaning of having a family. He also vaules someone who is a hard worker.



Not living a 'biblical' marriage is not a bad thing. Nor does it mean that a woman is selfish and vain for wanting to work outside of the home. Wouldn't that mean that a man who wants to be a stay at home dad is lazy and unmotivated because he doesn't feel the need to be the provider? If the tables were turned and I knew I would be able to make 70K a year starting out (here in BC that's not a lot but it's a start) I wouldn't mind if my husband wanted to be a SAHD because he is a wonderful father.

Francine - posted on 03/16/2012

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Megan, You'll enjoy BC, great for any winter and summer sports. As for if Canada has a 401K I'm not sure if we work like the US, I work for the federal government and what we'll get at the end of our careers is what you call a severance pay package - they give you one week's salary per year for the best 5 years of your career. Now last year our contracts were renegotiated and our severance pay were given out to every employee and I invested mine in RRSPs, is that something the US has? Now if I want to continue this on my own I will have to put a week's salary (gross) aside every year for the next 16 since I'll be eligible to retire then.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/16/2012

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Francine thanks and of course. I live in Kelowna, BC. But I'm from Rochester, NY so that makes us former neighbours :) My husband thankfully is a natural born Canadian citizen so we only have to wait for a video game company to hire him (he just emailed Club Penguin which has an office at his school here in Kelowna while I was in this thread reading some of the posts to him) and hopefully we'll do a little better than we are now. Right now it's all about budgeting.



I'm considering going into a private assisted living facility when I can work since the government run ones are having some issues. My MIL is a CNA at a government run nursing home here in BC and they've been talking about striking because of the issues with BC Health and our premier (and probably the Liberal party in general) I wouldn't want to look foreward to that. My MIL said that private run facilities don't have a pension plan, but Canada has some sort of 401K right? I'll just transfer money into that and use it when I retire.



Shatoyia, I agree that college isn't necessary. But in this day and age you need some form of advanced education to get anywhere in life. Even a trade school or a training program like the one I took to become a phlebotomist takes some money and time. Also not all public and private schools are equal. You can't make blanket statements about everything (working moms, public schools ect ) and expect them to be true. Your children get a faith based education and that's nice. My older daughter got one as well because she attended Catholic school last year where they were required to have faith based teaching in all subjects. My daughter attends a public school here in British Columbia now and Canada's schools are very highly ranked both public and private. You're doing yourself a disservice by assuming that children who are in public schools (because their parents aren't as wonderfully blessed) are receiving a lower grade education than your sons. Your children will be competing with these children in the real world some day.

Shatoyia - posted on 03/16/2012

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Susana, I agree that most men do spend a considerable amount of time away from their families and that's why my husband is passionate about being an entrepreneur. Entrepreneurship allows families the opportunity to work together and it teaches the children so many valuable lessons. But even though fathers are biblically called to provide for their families, God has given us as wives the responsibility of being their help mates. We should as wives ask ourselves how we can best help our husbands so that they can do what God has called them to do? We can't help them if we are too exhausted from working our own 9-5. Titus 2 and Ephesians 5 give us our biblical job descriptions. The bible does say that Christian women are to submit to their husbands and unto the Lord (and husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church). If husbands are leading their families as Christ leads the church then it makes it very easy for wives to submit but we are called to submit even if they aren't because we are doing it for God's glory not for our own. Yes, divorce is real. Not all Christians have a biblical view of marriage or desire to stay together no matter what. My husband and I are committed till death do us part. If the Lord decides to take him or myself while our children are still young, our trust is in the Lord and He will cause all things to work together for our good no matter the circumstances. Last, that is why entrepreneurship is great. If something were to happen to my husband or myself we could ensure that the one left to take care of the family will be able to do that; not to mention we could pass on our business to our children.

Francine - posted on 03/16/2012

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Shatoyia, As I mentioned, my son did not apply for loans or government assistance for his post-secondary education we are providing that for him so he will be debt free in 4 years + 2 years for his masters and the same applies for my youngest son. As for thinking you do not need a post-secondary education, that is not true, I'm not sure which part of the US you are from but here in Canada you need a post-secondary education if you want to have a decent job with a decent salary, I do not want my children to be living on minimum wage their whole life. Right now my son is studying for a major in social worker with a minor in psychology and when we read the job offers they don't even want to interview people with bachelors only they are looking for people with their masters.

[deleted account]

Who was it that said most American families could survive on one income? Here are some stats:

In 2011 the median income for US was less than $27,000. That means 50% of Americans have an income BELOW $27,000. Granted, many of those are single people and retirees, but not the entire 50%. The rest are parents trying to support families on less than $27k--that would be next to impossible on a single income.

IN addition, less than 3% of Americans earn more than $250,000 anually--something like 1 in 50. You have to be pretty isolated to think that's the norm. It is the norm in certain circles, but one really should pay attention to the world outside her window....



As for the stress of an income should the bread winning partner cease to have an income. Most sahm's have a back up plan--In addition to savings, the bread winner should ALWAYS have life, disability, and injury insurance policies in amounts high enough to support the family. Many sahm's also have an income, like myself. Before I had J, I bought an office building that I lease out to small companies, that way I have a modest income, but I don't have to work.





ETA: I do work right now, while J is in school, and I do it (gasp!) because I enjoy the work.

Shatoyia - posted on 03/16/2012

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Francine, of course my kids do interact with other kids but not just with kids but adults as well; many parents forget that the best type of socialization is exposing your children to all types of people because that's going to best prepare them for socialization as an adult. I am a firm believer that having a family involves sacrifice. We don't have to live in a place where the cost of living is extremely high but it is a choice that the parents will have to make. Did your children apply for any scholarships? To be honest, college isn't something we're going to force our children to do, not that you are. I don't believe that a person NEEDS a college education to provide for a family. Yes, it's great to have one but right now we are focusing on (of course giving our children a great education far better than what the school system would give them but also) helping them discover what areas they are naturally gifted in and what they are passionate about. Then we can tailor their education around those things or at least expose them to different things to see what they really enjoy. My boys are very happy that I am at home and love to be home-schooled. We are able to teach them in a variety of different ways and learning becomes not just school but something fun and exciting that we do as a family. We are able to go on field trips as a family and it's much easier to do things as a family when only one parent is working; as opposed to multiple work schedules to re-arrange. By God's grace, we don't just want to just give our kids and education but a biblical foundation on which they can stand. I am VERY blessed to be able to do what I do and I wouldn't have it any other way:-) God's grace to you and your family:-)

Francine - posted on 03/16/2012

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Megan, welcome to Canada and sorry to say but there is a lot of red tape here and hope that your papers will have a quick turn around and you'll be able to enjoy life better with your family.



I'm from Ottawa, ON, can I ask where you guys moved to?

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/16/2012

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Francine, don't beat yourself up. My parents took forever to start thinking like that! Most people don't.



My husband and I are both being very careful with money now since he's the only one with money coming in aside from my child support. I'm just glad he's better at budgeting than I am even if I'm better at bargain hunting (I just bought a pair of boots for 15$ that were originally 50$ for my older daughter)



I have to say I miss being able to talk about other things besides sleep patterns, my 1 year old's antics and grocery shopping. I can't wait to go back to work- even if I have to discuss blood draws and colostomy bags!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 03/16/2012

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Shaytoia, I'm with Francine and Susana on this. It's extremely rude (and unChristian) to tell women that they are being selfish and vain for working outside of the home and it's not for the good of the family. Why not tell a husband he is being selfish for wanting to work outide of the home instead of allowing his wife to be the provider? I can say that because in my family my mom was always the provider since she makes more than my dad does. If my mom had been a SAHM (well now she kinda is since she works from home most of the time) we wouldn't have been able to afford to buy food sometimes or pay bills. Those aren't material things ma'am, those are necessities.



God made woman to be a HELPMEET to her husband (it's in the Bible along with Jesus telling people Judge not lest ye be judged and Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.), to me that means that you do what you can to help the person you married in whichever way you feel would work. For many of us this does mean to work outside of the home. For your information, I was raised Catholic, by two very devout Catholic parents. My father never believed that it was the wife's job to stay at home. He wasn't raised that way and my brother and I weren't raised that way either. And I plan on raising my children to believe that they can do and be whatever they want whether it be a pet babysitter or a SAHM.



What I would like to know is how is it health for a child to have an extremely stressed out mom (or parents) who is worried about bills and feels closed in and has no control in her life? I currently can't work because I moved to Canada from the US and I don't have the proper paperwork right now. I sometimes feel stressed because of the bills that are only partially paid (including a 700$ credit card payment for my permanent resident visa) and the feeling that all I can do is finish load after load of laundry and make good dinners and make sure my older daughter is ready for school. Along with grocery shopping and packing up things. A stressed out parent is not healthy for a child and if a mom is not happy with only being a wife and mother then society and complete strangers shouldn't force her to feel guilty about doing what she feels is right.



To me true freedom is the ability to do what you love to do and being happy doing it. Reguardless of what it is or what society and others dictate you should be doing. I love that I have a career in health care and that I can pick my times so I can be home with my girls (at least when I lived in the US) and I can work where ever I live (after pesky government papers have been filed) I also get to educate my girls because I have worked with people who have survived the Holocaust and people from other countries.

Heather - posted on 03/16/2012

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You're welcome Francine! 9-10 months is a good cushion though; better than not having one at all. It provides either you or your husband "time" to find a replacement income...in the event something tragic would occur.



And great that you have already set your son's up for a financially stress free start to life!

Francine - posted on 03/16/2012

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Heather, I totally agree with you and I'm beating myself up for not thinking like that, what would happen if there was no salary coming into the household????Personally we have put some money aside for a rainy day that could probably sustain us for about 9-10 months but after that what happens? Glad you mentioned it.

Heather - posted on 03/16/2012

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That is why I choose to work as well. By me working, my children will be able to graduate college and have a start to life without the financial burden of student loans. I know we can survive on one income--today--and for however long...but my concern is if I quit working, what happens to my family if something happens to my husband? Now we have NO income. Then what? I know money is not everything but it does keep a roof over our head, heat on in the winter, food on the table, etc...my salary just goes to the rest...mainly a savings account for our childrens' futures...



I wanted to ask this the other day but didn't get around to it...I am surrounded by both sahms and working moms--and a few other in between (part time sahm/working) moms...and I have asked this of them too. Unless independently wealthy...how will your family be supported if that one income is suddenly gone? That is the one thing that scares me about quitting the work force. My children are raised in a fairly stress free home...but if we lose the income, the anxieties of paying the bills would affect them tremendously...

Susana - posted on 03/16/2012

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@ Shatoyia - "Why do women have children if they want a break from them in the form of spending majority of the day away from them?" I could ask the same thing this way - Why do MEN have children if they want a break from them in the form of spending majority of the day away from them? Why is the onus only on the mother? And please don't give me the "I am a Christian" BS, either. I am a Christian too, and I don't subscribe to the belief that women must subjugate to men.



And to call millions of women you don't know "vain"! Your post comes across as very judgmental, which is NOT very Christian.



To me, TRUE freedom is being able to take care of your children even if disaster strikes, like divorce. We all get married and have children with the idea that our marriage is forever, but the sad fact is that 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce. I am not so vain as to think I'm better than that statistic. Many divorced SAHMs end up living below the poverty level. I am not only providing for my child now, but insuring that I can do so in the future as well, should the unthinkable occur. http://www.tnr.com/article/the-read/8125...

Shatoyia - posted on 03/16/2012

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That's great Heather! That's one of the issues I have with age-segregated classrooms in public school. I strongly believe that my boys don't need to spend hours at a time each day with a bunch of foolish kids their same age. I mean, besides age-segregation in school, when else in their life are they going to be in an environment with a bunch of people their same age? Never!

Francine - posted on 03/16/2012

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Shatoyia, I read your thread and I have to say you are one of the lucky ones that get to stay home with her children, homeschooling I'm not so sure since they are not interacting with other children their own age as you did not mention anything about them interacting with other kids.



I have to state that your point of view on mothers in the workforce is very narrow minded, personally my husband and I cannot afford to have just 1 salary in the household we need 2, the reason being, the cost of living (very high where we are) and we do not spend needlessly and some months we are living paycheque to paycheque. My oldest one is in university (first year) and we've managed to put money aside for his education so he did not need loans or government assistance and he would be debt free once he's done his masters and he still lives at home. My youngest one will be in High School come September and the same applies for him, his education will be paid for by his us and he'll be debt free once he's done. We could never have afforded post-secondary studies to any of them if there was just 1 salary coming in. On an ending note, your comment on your family being Christian I applaud you because now a days people tend to stay away from God, but for your information my mother was a nun for 10 years with her vows when she realised this was not the life she wanted. She met my father (married for 44 years) they had 3 children (all girls) and she worked outside the household as my father did to provide for the family and we did not live a celebrity's lifestyle. I've based my lifestyle after the values my mother instilled in me, to be a wife, mother and career woman and be the best in every aspect or your life. My children respect the fact that mom needs to work outside the household and are very proud of me when asked and they would not for a second change any of it.

Heather - posted on 03/16/2012

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I totally agree with that. Our three children go to dinners in restaurants with us, church, etc...they are exposed to varying age groups and situations. Since we have done that with all three of them since birth, they have no problems interacting with others.

Shatoyia - posted on 03/16/2012

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Heather, Yes of course:-) And not just with children their age but all ages; adults included. I believe that true socialization isn't about our children just socializing with kids their age but with people of various ages.

Heather - posted on 03/16/2012

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Shatoyia--do you take your boys to play groups or are they involved in activities outside of yourself? Just wondering if they interact with or have playmates their age.

Shatoyia - posted on 03/16/2012

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I am really sad reading these posts! I've read posts and some of the reasons listed for working outside the home are for selfish reasons not for the good of the family or the children. Who says that what children need most is more material things? Who says that women are to relieve or share in the responsibility of their husbands as the provider? Single mothers I know have no choice. Also, I know their are women whose husbands are disabled, sick, in jail, etc. In those cases I understand that. No jealousy here:-) I truly thank God that I get to be home with my boys and home-school them. I get to share in their joys, hurts, new experiences,play with them, etc: I also get plenty of time alone with my husband and time for myself. If I am going to labor I'd rather labor for my family and not a boss outside my home. This is TRUE freedom! Why do women have children if they want a break from them in the form of spending majority of the day away from them? I just don't understand it. But then again I am a Christian and I believe that God's design for the family is far better than any design we can come up with.

DoubleA - posted on 03/15/2012

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Ok Melissa. That makes a lot more sense. Sorry for jumping the gun on you! And you're absolutely right.

Heather - posted on 03/15/2012

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Francine--I completely agree with what you posted. I understood what you meant...my last two sentences weren't directed toward you. Sorry! I should have made them a new paragraph! :)

Melissa - posted on 03/15/2012

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DoubleA I have had my nephews since my sister and brother n law died in April 2003 so I have been a "parent" they are now 16&15 and trust me I know what it takes to make a family run. No not everyone makes the kind of money my husband and I make but does that change the fact. No it doesn't it just means we are lucky enough to be in our situation and not have to worry about money. However it doesn't change the fact that sahm should never judge a working mom. But it still doesn't change the fact that it does NOT take 2 incomes to make it all the time.

Francine - posted on 03/15/2012

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Heather, I know that most household do not make a salary of $250K annually it was just a point that if that was the norm mothers would not need to go in the workforce but not all household are that fortunate and so some moms need to bring in a second salary to have the lifestyle they deserve and or want.

Heather - posted on 03/15/2012

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Like I posted earlier, my husband and I make comparable salaries...(yearly we make over 150,000 combined). And we live VERY comfortably on that...we are not high maintenance but we do enjoy life. We travel a lot as a family, there is no limit to the activities we enjoy, if the kids need something we can get it, if we want something we are able to get it, etc...We basically LIVE on one pay check and the other goes to vacations and savings...we also have an excellent retirement. BUT not every family has that luxury...in our area, we are considered "wealthy".

So @ Melissa...250,000?? I would hope you could live on that. Plus you were making 80,000? With no kids yet, and that kind of salary you should have a nice chunk of change in the bank as well?? I agree with Francine...if every household brought in that annually then Moms would not have to work. But its not realistic across the board. Most families are struggling...

DoubleA - posted on 03/15/2012

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And no offense Melissa.. I'm sure your family will be just fine. But I just caught that you're not having a baby until June?! So how can u say and be 100% that u will be able to survive off one income? With that kind of income; yes you will be. But you haven't been a parent (other than being pregnant ) to back up your words.

Francine - posted on 03/15/2012

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Melissa, if there was a salary of $250K in every household I think it would be safe to say that yes moms would be able to stay home and never get back in the workforce, but not everyone makes that kind of money annually like our household, we need 2 incomes to have the lifestyle we want for our family.

DoubleA - posted on 03/15/2012

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@ Melissa. Yeah you're right. I was just referring to everyone that I know that's a SAHM. Sorry for the wrong sayings. And I would love for my hubby to have a job like yours. That's awesome. I'm still in school and working and being a mommy to two. Because my family relies on my income. It would be awesome of I could just put work off until I finish. But hubby semi likes where he works.. Even though the pay Isnt that great. And yeah I guess we could all survive off of my income alone... But his isn't that fortune. So thank you for pointing that out to me :)

Melissa - posted on 03/15/2012

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Double A you are completely wrong saying you cannot live comfortably off one income. I have just recently left my full time career to be a sahm to our princess due June 1. My husband alone makes $250,000 a year and if we cannot live off of that we are in serious trouble. Yes I am used to my $80,000 also and I live a high maintenance lifestyle but I can adapt to be home for our daughter. I never imagined myself being a sahm as I lived for my career and worked everyday to give my patients the best I could but I honestly believe my daughter deserves better than me shipping her off everyday to a stranger since we can afford it.

Heather - posted on 03/15/2012

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Like others have said...this is an issue just like breast feeding vs bottle feeding...there is no winning side. There are challenges to both sides. As there are also many benefits to either side.



For my self, I feel I have the best of both worlds...I stayed home with all 3 for the first 6 months. I work m-f 8-3. So I am able to drop off my older two at school every morning then I drop off my 9 1/2 month old. I work one mile from where he is. I pick him up and I am then able to be there (home) when the girls get home from school. I am also off when school is closed. I am able to attend all school activities and have never missed an appt.



Do I have to work? My husband and I can live very comfortably on his income (we make the same amount of money)...but I work due to the convenience of my schedule and my paycheck is "extra" income that we use to put away for (so far) 3 college educations, 2 weddings, etc...By me working our children will be financially secure to start their own lives independently...they will have no student loans to pay back...just as my husband and I had. We were both able to start careers and our life outside of our parents' homes without any financial burdens. Very early on, we both agreed that we will do the same for our children.



If I didn't have a flexible schedule, I am not sure I would work...I do know that the time I spend with my children is quality time. It makes me a more organized Mom...when I was off I seemed to "waste" more time...so I am more efficient with my time now.



Not all working parents are workaholics. My one friend has to work because they wouldn't be able to live in their house and pay their bills on one income. They struggle day to day and live pay check to pay check as it is.



We are all Moms who love our children and being a Mom can be challenging enough--sahm or working mom--without being judged by either "side". We should be rooting for each other and providing support. After all, don't we all share the same goal? Raise our babies and love them with our whole being?? Being a mom is the most selfless and most gratifying thing I have ever done...and I love it! :)

Shatoyia - posted on 03/14/2012

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I think it's a lie to say that families cannot survive off of one income. What's the point in having children if we're going to give them to someone else to raise? I wouldn't say working moms are bad parents but I would question any married parents who have children and those children are being raised by someone else because the parents are workaholics.

Francine - posted on 03/13/2012

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I'm a working mother and so was mine. I've always taken pride in myself for having the mom I had growing up, she instilled in me the values of being a mother, wife and a career woman and we're talking back in 1968 when women were just starting in the workforce. Even though she's retired from her profession, at 72 she's still very active with the community, church, etc. So for all of you mothers who decided to stay at home to raise your children good for you but I wouldn't change my childhood for a second and if I may say so I think I turned out pretty good, I've been married for 22 years and have 2 beautiful sons (20 and 14) and I'm sure if you asked them what they think about their mom working, they would tell you they are very proud of me and it's not a bad idea for any mother out there to take a break from their kids once in a while, it boosts you and your kids and your kids will appreciate a little time away from mom.

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