Working mom finding it difficult. Need help

Cheydee - posted on 12/07/2010 ( 30 moms have responded )

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I have 2 children Dustin is a 4 year old boy and Cheylee is terrible 2 year old girl. I have been working for three years and everything was good when i was staying in my parents house. Last month i moved out and into our own home with my Boyfriend. I knew it wasnt going to be easy but i never thought it would be this hard. Now with all the duties and responsibilties i dont have much time for them and they have become naughty, they dont listen to me. i work from 730-530 during the week i have to cook, clean, bath the kids, do washing...clean up after them 24/7 and still try and make time for them.



Is this supposed to be easy because i feel like the world is on my shoulders? I would love a maid but i cant afford it. feels like im burning out.

What can i do?

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Shelley - posted on 12/08/2010

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If you can cook on your day off several portions of meat, example bake a couple pounds of chicken. Then come up with easy mixers for the chicken like pasta, wraps, fajitas and it can be ready when you get home from work. Having the meat cooked then you can simply open up something else to go with it.

As for lunches if you pack your lunch to take to work, assuming you have a fridge, you can take the whole weeks lunches on the first of the week this way you don't have to spend time each day gathering your lunch.

Since your children are so little a good idea is to do like a cleaning march (silly name but it works). You can come up with a little song and have them follow you picking up items and putting them away. I used to march because it was good exercise for me and my kids loved it! Be silly with it and it turns into fun time with them and you get the chorse done and then it actually turns the yucky feelings your having into quality time with the kids. This should help with their behavior because you can start a little reward system when they participate in the march and do good.

Hang in there, sometimes littles ones bad behavior is a response to our stress, not that your to blame but it seems to go hand in hand when we get stressed so do they. I was once told they develop their response system by the time they are 3 so its important for you to find a good way to get a handle on them. Your a mom, you can do it!!!!!

Hayley - posted on 12/08/2010

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I ditto everything Shannon said. I also work full time, plus pick up side jobs, my husband works full time and also has a side job so we're really busy. My daughter had a hard time with transitioning too but we finally figured out a game plan. One of the biggest things to work on is a schedule. It seems you job has a standard schedules so make one for your family life as well. For example, my husband and I wrote out all the chores on a chore chart and included my daughter who's also 2 (soon to be 3). She's perfectly old enough to do chores. We have a star system. Each day we do our chores, we get a star (parents included). When we fill a row we get a special treat (mostly for our daughter). She's only 2 but she can help. Some of her chores include: Feeding the animals, picking up her toys, making her bed (at least something that resembles a made bed), helping put away her clothes. She also helps me dust, put away / dry dishes and other odds and ends around the house. When the kids help you, you may not realize it but you are spending time with them. We make games out of the cleaning process and it's lots of fun. Now the housework is done and we've spent time with the kids.

We also make a strong effort to spend at least one solid hours with our daughter every day doing something constructive. Whether that be reading, playing a game, playing dolls, or whatever. It's amazing what one hour can do.

As far as chores your kids might not be able to help with, sometimes I tend to get up early in the morning before work and do them. I load the dishwasher at 5am because I can get it done 3 times as fast without my daughter up. This also lets it run while we're out all day and then it's not in the way at night since it's a portable. A lot of times we do a couple loads of laundry before we leave for work or clean up the bathroom before we get a shower. It's just little things that will make a difference.

Also, in line with what Shannon said... making dinners on the weekend will save you HOURS in the kitchen during the week. A lot of times my husband will spend a couple hours sunday prepping things, cutting marinating, basting, cooking, etc. and that way come monday - friday it's pop it in the over / on the stove and go. We have a chart on the fridge with each day wrote out and what we're going to have for dinner so there's no deciding when we get in.

It's all about time management and organization and you'll need to find what works for you. It can be done, trust me! If I can work a full time job, work a journalism side job and teach online, plus finish out my MBA while my husband works a full time job and runs his own side business.... anyone can manage if they put their mind to it! Best of luck!

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Also maybe try to spend a couple hours on the weekend making some casseroles, etc and freezing them so you can just pop them in the oven later in the week, and then your cooking is done for the evening :)

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Is your boyfriend still living with you? Even if he doesn't want to help much with the kids he should at least be doing some of the housework and helping to make dinner sometimes. It isn't supposed to be easy and probably never will, but we do the best we can to get through the day. Also, worry more about the most important cleaning first and leave the rest or try to only work on one room a day to keep the house more or less tidy. Just remember, the housework won't get up and walk away but your kids will grow faster than you want them to. In 20 years they won't remember if the house was messy, they will remember if mommy didn't spend any time with them

Anita - posted on 12/16/2010

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Hi Cheydee, this sounds like a normal household. You are probably finding it hard because you were use to having your parents there to help out. Don't worry, you will find a roiutine that works for you and it won't feel as hard. It's not possible for mums to have 'days off' but every now and then forget about cooking and order a pizza (one night a week) and only clean once a week (showers, floors etc), just do the general tidy up each night. Your bf can bath the kids maybe or cook dinner once in a while. I am assuming they are at daycare during the day? Talk with the daycare and ask them if they would mind being watching the children's behaviour and explain the situation to them. No-one can afford a maid! I also find taking multi-vitamins helps me get some much needed energy (& milo works too!). I also find that excersing helps heaps... work out a couple of times a night when they are asleep, even if it's jogging up and down on the spot lol, you will feel so much better. I hope you don't take this as an insult but I envy you for working!! I am a stay at home mum with a 1 year old and 2 year old (born 10 months apart) and I also run (well try to!) my own accounting business at home, which is near impossible as I don't have daycare or nannies etc. My kids have been with me 24 hours a day since birth. I would love to go out to work but I have trust issues with people minding them after seeing my friend smack my son in front of me!! I also don't have parents or inlaws to help out. and YES it is bloody hard work, I don't sit down all day. I actually miss working, I use to be a full time professional. I find sticking to a routine helps, eg, bath at a cetain time, dinner at a certain time. It's not easy, usually they are literally hanging off me when I am cooking or doing anything for that matter. I make sure I play with them for 1/2 hour before they go to bed, sometimes it's not possible but I try. Try cooking large meals that will last 2 nights (eg have the leftovers the next night) and that way you only have to cook once every second day!. We are experiencing the hardest years right now, but I have been told it gets easier. Good luck with everything :)

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Ashley - posted on 03/09/2012

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what i find help is that my two year old lves to help...im basicallly all by my self 95%of the time so cleaning and cooking are a fun wya to bond.. it may not get done exactly as you planned but for me house resonsiblilies become second when i notice my son is in needof attention...let them sweep my son pulls the broom away from me and i make sure he stay in the kitchen. when i cook my son like to stir and pour in the ingredients. he helps fold the laundry(pile everything up)just think of fun way your kids can be incorperated



and if your boyfrenid is still with you i encourgae put your foot down and ask for assisstance

Laetitia - posted on 03/09/2012

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1/ maybe cook for your children healthy meals and take all-done meals for you and your boyfriend: so you'll have a lot af little home-made meals for your children in the fridge and in the week you can have supermarket-soup for example



2/ In my daughter day, i just take care of her and my job and her job (bath, make her plate hot, dinner, toothbrush, sing read, and go asleep). So she has the feeling i take care of her most of the time. But at 8.30pm when she is asleep, i can do what i need to: prepare some meals, clean the house and the clothes, take care of myself and finally prepare the stuff for a happy tomorrow morning (clothes and bags). It's ok for the most of mum to go to bed at 10.30pm, even when we wake up at 6am :)

Anita - posted on 12/21/2010

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I think some women just have it harder than others. Not many people understand that (ignorance is to blame I think which is a shame becuase there would be more people helping others out). For example, some husbands are more helpful than others lol, some children behave better than others, some women have outside family members to help them, some women are better off financially, some women have to work etc. There are many factors to consider. I saw a woman the other day at the shops with 3 children in tow (twins and an older child) and she was complaining about life but then in the next sentence she told me she has a nannny to help out every day lol! I told her that I had 2 children born 10 months apart with no help, no outside help whatsover (no family members to help on either side... one side lives overseas and the other side live half way accross the country) but she still didn't 'get it', I even told her that I wish mine were tiwns because it would have been easier lol (eg they would have been on the same schedule instead of different sleep times, meals etc..).

It's funny how, when some women's husbands do a lot of the housework they think all men are the same (or should be the same) but the bottom line is some men just aren't like that, and some just need reminding all the time. I think there is a lot of pressure on women, we have to be the mummy, the doctor, the teacher, the cook, everything! It's definately not easy. I think men have a little bit easier in that way. There are so many great suggestions here, hopefully you will find life gets easier (just as I am wishing the same ha ha). I find getting out of the house to go for a walk with the kids helps, helps all of us.

Good luck with everything and wishing you all a Merry Christmas and wonderful New Year :)

Tah - posted on 12/21/2010

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my husband is military and he will come home, cook, take the kids to karate, take out trash, clean..as a matter he is on leave for 2 weeks and is systematically cleaning the house and taking things out to storage, i asked what i could do he told me to sit down..of course i have a broken butt..another story...i know it can be hard, i was a single mom of 2 when i met him, now we have 3 and it can be hard, but if you work together, it can be done..get a crock pot, put the food on when you leave in the morning, add a salad when you get home, done...let the children know that their are consequences when they don't listen but mommy loves them anyway. and give them each some time in the evenings, play a board game for 30 mins or so..something to let them know you are thinking about them

Cheydee - posted on 12/21/2010

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Thanks Lika, i know that is true. You could call yourself lucky for finding that man. Im going to print these posts for him to see what help other woman are getting from their men.

Cheydee - posted on 12/21/2010

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Karen i know some people believe that you have got to be cruel to be kind.... But maybe you should consider putting yourself in their shoes first. You dont know exactly what is expected from me at work e.c.t. And you dont know each detail on my plate. So yeah i agree with Anita. That is mean. But all is good!!!!! ;)

Cheydee - posted on 12/21/2010

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Shame Anita, it seems like im not alone here. Im thinking of making an invention to us help us .. lol. (just joking) Dont think il find time.I know it is possible to be that super Woman that some have achieved. But sometimes live throws differant situations at differant people. i just cant understand why man kind made such alot of duties for some of us that seriously does not even allow us to look after ourselves. I have stayed up untill past midnight just to try and get most duties done. But i am just getting stronger with all the pain. Hope i will master Super Woman soon.

Cheydee - posted on 12/21/2010

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Terri, i live in south africa, i did a little research couldnt find any thing decent. But thank-you. If you know of a work from home job i would like to know. Do you work from home?

Lika - posted on 12/19/2010

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Just letting you know, I have my son attend a home based virtual school. My fiance, who is going to be step-dad, does the schooling as the learning coach. Sure, I could do it myself, but, he chooses to since he works out of home to fix computers as they come in. My job is more stable, and I cook home made food. Sure it's a bit of reversal of roles, but, you don't know how helpful it is to have a family man. It's really nice to have. While I could do it all myself, but, if a full grown man wants to be a baby, I can't tolerate that. We are a family unit, and adults are supposed to be good role models. If "dad" can't keep up, he's not carrying his own weight. When mom has to carry his, it's time that the dead weight drops off so it's easier on you.

Anita - posted on 12/19/2010

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ok Karen that was a bit mean, I think the poor woman is just after support. of course it's hard but it helps to get support from people

KAREN L. - posted on 12/19/2010

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Quit belly-aching! That's what life is all about. Stand on your own two feet and take care of your kids. Your parents made it easy for you so you could learn to make it on your own. Maybe they made it too easy! Single moms have been taking care of their kids, working, going to school and attending church for years. Its not that difficult. If you make it look so difficult, what example are you making for your kids. They'll think you're a weak woman. Are you? Stand up and meet the challenge!!!

Anita - posted on 12/18/2010

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.....we all must have depression then lol. No, seriously I have always wondered what the difference between depression and complete exhaustion from raising children, because I naturally assumed (I know I should never assume) that all mums have it hard eg. no time for yourself, on your feet all day, the only time we get for ourself is after our children go to bed and all the chores are done, we are on the 'go' all day and night. I am hoping someone out there knows the answer because I am thinking maybe I need to see someone myself.

Candy - posted on 12/18/2010

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Cheydee, Make sure you are taking care of yourself too. Talk to your Doctor, you may be experiencing depression. I only say that because I was feeling the way you described. I say this out of love. Give your children 30 minutes each per day. a total of 1 hour playing with them. It will workout. I would be happy to speak to you privately by e-mail, if you want.

User - posted on 12/18/2010

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Sounds like you could do with working from home. Have you explored this avenue? There are many opportunities to work from home which sounds like the way to go in this day and age!

Cheydee - posted on 12/17/2010

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Thanx heather, sounds like a good idea, will try making him lists. The problem is he is on stand by after hours so he is also very busy. But he wil just have to make time.

Cheydee - posted on 12/17/2010

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Thanx Anita.. it is a fast paced society we living in. shame it sounds like you have a handful too. Thanx 4 all the advice but i stil dont agree on how much our lives ask from us. I think i just need a holiday already!!

Lika - posted on 12/17/2010

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He is supposed to be your partner in life. He can act that way or get out. His choice. And to help cut down on cooking, go with the ideas of making extras. Pasta dishes have a way of lasting at least 2 days to help cut down on that chore.

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Cheydee it is definately not easy. My husband and I work full time and our twins are 1yo. I feel like I am running a marathon when I walk through the door after working all day.
I like the advice of the others,. to make chores as fun as possible. Also making meals in advance is a life saver. A crockpot will be your best friend.

You say your boyfriend is helpful. That's great. You may want to sit down with him and discuss how you are feeling and tell him how much you need him to help out and that you need more out of him. Men do better with lists. My husband needs a list. If he didn't have one he would do very little. Not because he is lazy he just has no clue. Once everyone knows their "role" expect it to take time for everything to run more smoothly. Nothing is perfect. You will find you will have to fine tune your schedule several times to get it just right.
Good luck and best wishes! ;)

Judy - posted on 12/09/2010

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Sounds like you're a pretty normal mom with the same stuff we all deal with. It would be good if the boyfriend has some specific chores... .If you are cooking dinner, then he should clean up after, if you do laundry, then he needs to be responsible for vacuuming... something like that. make a list of all the daily & weekly chores. sit down with him and split them up. If he expects you to work, manage child care, and take care of the house..... I'd move back to mom's and tell the boyfriend to grow up. I had a husband once who told me that because I made 50% less salary than he did, I had to do 50% more of the housework to make up for it, but we both worked the same number of clock hours. Needless to say, I'm not married to him any more. But even with help, it feels impossible to do it all. So let the dust sit, dishes can wait till you have time to get to them. Kids don't stay little forever.... try to find even 15 or 20 minutes a day to concentrate on them. Go for a walk, read a book, snuggle and watch a kid show, You can also kill 2 birds sometimes... like read to them while they're in the bath, or have them color a picture and tell you about their day while you load dishes, Fold a basket of laundry sitting in their room when they're playing. They will feel you are "playing" with them, but you are still getting stuff done. Hang in there, it does get better.

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Your children are upset because you took them from the only home they knew. Set a routine with them as similar to the one you followed at your parents home. A new boyfriend makes it tough as well, because it is not your parents. Spend your evenings with the kids. Make a game of the chores that have to be done & get them to help. It will not be up to adult standards - but - it will help & they will love helping you! If the boyfriend isn't helping then maybe you should move back home. Marriage, in that case, helps because he has a vested interest! Just living together, unfortunately, gives him no responsibility!

Cheydee - posted on 12/09/2010

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Thank-you all for the helpfull tips and encouragement! My Boyfriend does help sometimes he cooks and he is helpfull with the children. Yes i need to spend time the children. I will try to make it fun for them to help around. I like the idea of the chore chart. I think sometimes stress gets the better of me. But i just try to stay positive. thanks for all the tips on preparing meals. Im sure it will make things easier!

You are all amazing mothers!!!! Thank -you Keep it up :)

Merri - posted on 12/08/2010

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I dont think that it is suppose to be easy. I am in your same shoes. We lived with my parents for about 18 months after my son was born then my husband and I got a house. I didnt realize how much help my parents were until I left. Now that I have to do EVERYTHING ( my hubby is not much help) I feel so stressed sometimes. But then I step back and put things in order. I cook, clean and do laundry but I include my son. Also anything I can save for after he goes to bed I do.. My house is not dust free all the time but thats ok. I also try to find the positive in what I am doing. I hope I am teaching my son responsiblity. That he sees that you do whatever you have to for your family. It might be tough but things will fall into place. I do like the idea of preparing meals ahead of time..i might try that myself. And I use my slow cooker about 4 times a week. Its so easy and saves so much time. Good Luck..

Alison - posted on 12/08/2010

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Your boyfriend really needs to share the burden. I'll assume that he doesn't mind helping out with the children, but that all the kids want is you (if he is not helpful with the children, you've got to drop him while you can!).

You need to give the whole family a little time to adjust. I don't know who told you it would be easy. Motherhood is HARD. Expect to have to work hard, but do not be too hard on yourself.

I'll add to the great tips, to look into a slow cooker (crock pot). You can prepare a meal in minutes, then let it cook all day. Another thing... at 2 and 4 they should be helping you clean up. They are probably also happy to help you in the kitchen, setting the table, clearing the table, unloading the dishwasher, etc. My 4-year-old has started to fold laundry too, but that may not work as well for a boy.

Know that you are NOT alone and that it is tough for all of us. Hang in there!

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