working moms and sahm issues...

Tah - posted on 09/18/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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i have read so many post where sahm's say that daycare raises your children and even though they need to work or their husband wants them to work they dont want their children raised by childcare and how great staying at home is and etc blah blah..and it's starting to irritate me...i don;t feel bad that my children have been in daycare while i work and i dont think that daycare raises your children...geez....what is the prolem...i mean i know what the problem is but what is the deal...really...get over it...everybody can't stay home, and eberybody doesn
t want to stay home and i have seen plenty of sahm that were miserable and didnt do anything with the kids ever....so kudos to the ones who do their job, but what gives them the right to judge so harshly...

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Megan - posted on 02/21/2012

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I take issue with this post. Please let me explain why.

I've seen many parents drop their kids off with daycare before the sun comes up, telling the providers to potty train their kids, and then they come back after the sun has gone back down, barely spend time with their kids, and wonder why their kids aren't bonding with them.

If you are fine with your choice, why are you letting others get to you? What does it matter what they think? If you are giving your child the attention they want and need, what does it matter to anyone else?

You may have seen sahms who were miserable, but I've seen just as many working moms who are miserable because they think they have to work to maintain their lifestyles. As long as your bills are paid, why do you need to make a fortune?

I know one working mom who ends up working almost 80 hours a week during tax season and her son spends all that time she's working in daycare, with family, and friends of hers. She wishes she could cut back on hours or stay home, but feels that she has to maintain a certain lifestyle. Her husband also works so much that he's actually not even home for weeks at a time. They both think they need to have the latest and greatest of everything, nice new cars, etc. What good does all that nice shiny stuff serve? Your kids don't care if you drive a super expensive car, have a huge house, the nicest of name brand clothes, and get to eat out all the time.

You might want to look at how you are wording your opening comment. Many stay at home moms have to defend their choices just as fiercely as working moms. And its because of comments like this, placing all the blame on one side or the other.

By the way, I'm a stay at home mom who works 3 hours a week at hubby's store. Just enough for me to get out, earn a little extra money, and refresh my momma battery so I don't feel like I'm just a mom.

Audra - posted on 02/23/2012

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The fact is, that when you're not with your kids you might miss something. But some run too far with this, and they are quite critical. There is value in day care. There are SAHMs who are so stressed out, home probably isn't the best place for their toddler to be all of the time. The issue does swing both ways. SAHMs can be seen as lazy and non-working, and that's difficult. They manage a lot without pay, raises, adult interaction, and appreciation which may be why they have a lot of 'fight' in them over the issue. But they shouldn't go so far as to suggest that children of Working Moms will all grow up to be delinquents, etc. We all need to show respect for others.

Lindsey - posted on 02/15/2012

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I am a SAHM. I went back to work after my son turned 2 but only worked 4 months because I got pregnant with my second and had some complications. We found an amazing at home daycare and my son loved it! Because I was supposed to be taking it easy and my doctors appointments were mounting each week we decided to continue taking him even after I stopped working. Now with the new little guy here, he is still going 3 days a week. I miss him but am very proud of him. He has friends his age he can play with and has great social skills. He learns new things everyday and is eager to show them off. We want to enroll him in a preschool this fall and feel very confident it will be an easy transition because of this experience. I am wrapped up with the baby a lot and do get them out and about the other 2 days but know he is stimulated and has his own independent activities to do while he is there. Those are also the days I can bank my housework. They do not raise him. My son doesn't say please and thank you without being prompted, help me clean up his toys, make his bed, put his dishes in the kitchen, put his clothes in the laundry, control his emotions, etc because of the day care! He does those things because I showed him what to do. I have met and observed the other kids there and a lot of them are a little bratty. I wish parenting would stop being such a competition. Nothing is foolproof. Different things work for different people. We have to make the time we spend with our kids count regardless of how we spend the other time in our day. As a SAHM I know there are days I have so much to catch up on or errands to run that I am literally just dragging my kids along for the ride and they would rather be doing something else. Those days aren't magical or life changing. They're stressful and exhausting and I can't wait for them to sleep so I can turn my brain off. But such is life. We can all be great moms and raise amazing children no matter how we do it and it's supposed to be hard... But worth it!

Kylee - posted on 01/12/2012

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I have been a working mom and a sahm and I love to stay home with my kids! I would much rather be with my kids than be with my co workers. SOme people cannot afford to stay home and thats completely understandable. we had to cut back on things so that I could stay home full time and its not always easy to do that either.

I just dont get all this judgement!! Yes I am a stay at home mom. Yes its by choice. No I am not depressed. A lot of these posts have said that all of us sahm moms are depresed and unhappy. I have never been happier. I choose to stay home. If I wanted to work I would. Like I said I have been a working mom before. We are all different ppl in diff circumstances so quit with all of the judgement.

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Chana - posted on 12/18/2013

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The only post I have ever seen on this is working moms bashing sahm's. Working moms think that sahms think badly of them. To be honest I don't give it a whole lot of thought. In all seriousness though I have not seen a thread were sahms say how horrible working mothers are for not staying at home. Who cares your a mom doing what you can and making the best choices you can. I am not going to say one is better than the other. Threads like this is what adds fuel to the fire and keeps the mommy wars going.

Chana - posted on 12/18/2013

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The only post I have ever seen on this is working moms bashing sahm's. Working moms think that sahms think badly of them. To be honest I don't give it a whole lot of thought. In all seriousness though I have not seen a thread were sahms say how horrible working mothers are for not staying at home. Who cares your a mom doing what you can and making the best choices you can. I am not going to say one is better than the other. Threads like this is what adds fuel to the fire and keeps the mommy wars going.

**Jackie** - posted on 03/05/2012

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I am a SAHM. I worked for the first 6 months. I will go back when the kids are in school. My husband and I agreed that I would stay home. We made this decision on a few different factors and it just worked best for us. I think nothing less or more of a mom who works and puts her kids in daycare. You do what is best for your children. Period.

Pam - posted on 02/21/2012

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Maybe, they are just looking for a reason why they are at home? Some have had to leave a career behind and feel guilty, or feel they have let their husbands down monotonously, or feel guilty for having the pleasure of staying at home with their children. I know being on maternity for the past year has spoiled me, I love the idea of being able to jog to play group pushing both my small kids in a stroller, our nature walks home, being able to get up with my kids, all get dressed together, play music, get my laundry done without so much pressure, bath time after lunch as opposed to after work when your tired, or feeling bad that I only got to spend 2 hours with my kids after making dinner after work before bedtime. It's great being at home and with work looming in the distance, I feel that pressure, the want and urgency to make up an excuse to allow myself to stay home with my kids. I've said to myself, well what if the daycare doesn't love my children as much as I do? What if the cries of separation anxiety are interpreted wrong or worse, ignored and dismissed as sepanx. Its tough for any mom I would imagine to go through, and maybe we should just see it as that. I'm sure they are not intending to put working mothers down, because the way I feel is internal. guilt, anxiety, fear, afraid to take the leap from home, fear of change, letting go, what if's like, what if my little sweethearts personality changes, although it will happen anyways one day, who are we to judge their fear that happens so naturally?



If only we could afford it, me staying at home without a maternity check, if only my husband did not have diabetes and need my works health insurance. If only I could have my career back after many years of child rearing... these are the things that cross our minds as we worry about the ppl we love the most and it comes out in many forms and those sensitive may take it the wrong way.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 02/21/2012

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However there are some of us that love going to work everyday and feel it is important for our children to understand the importance of working and have a career. Many of us that use a Daycare do not leave our kids there as soon as it opens until it closes. Many of us do not leave the Daycare to raise our children, for many it is simply a place that will employ our beliefs in how they need help in guiding our children and do a wonderful job at it for those 8-9 hours 5 days a week. I still have an awesome bond with my son and BTW I get to see him get excited EVERYDAY when I come home, not just sometimes... We have him 2 hours in the mornings and 4 hours at night, that is 7 hours, we then have him all weekend, which is 26 hours..add it, it adds to more time than he is at Daycare.... My husband works nights, so I drop my son off in the morning, he is usually the 3rd out of 4 toddlers there and my husband picks him up so that he is never the last one there. Some people want the lavish life so for you to say what is important and what isn't isn't your call. For me, I don't care about a lavish life but I do care about myself and my children. It is important they get to learn about the world outside the home too and that I get to feel like an individual on a daily basis. We spend all our time when not at work with our children My oldest is 13.5 and she went to Daycare and she is a very happy teen...



You know they do go to school eventually and it is no different than them going to Daycare. They learn a heck of a lot at Daycare, even if I didn't work, my kids would be in Daycare. It is ran by teachers that have early childhood development courses, they teach children that many cannot do on their own. They get to know other kids and how to play with them... the list goes on and on...



No one is wrong with how they do what they do. As long as they are doing the best for their children and family.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 01/17/2012

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Daycare is a wonderful place! They learn soo much there, that a SAHM may not be able to teach (some can). I never feel bad about my boy going to Daycare - he LOVES it there! I also never felt bad for my now 13 year old daughter, when she was in Daycare... It really helped her transition to School. I wonder what they say when their kids have to go to school? Is the school raising them too? i don't understand that comment or thought process... Perhaps they are upset because they can't afford it or jealous because us that have our kids in Daycare can have some "me" time? I wouldn't pay $800/month if I didn't think it was good for my kids....trust me! ;)

Dusty - posted on 01/10/2012

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I could NEVER be a stay at home mom. I love my children dearly, & if one of them ever became so sick that I needed to be home with them 24/7, I would, but if I have the choice, I'm going to work! And honestly, it's really hard nowadays to NOT work, considering the economy, most parents have to work in order to even put food on the table for their families, most of the time 1 income won't do it, so I don't see anything wrong with working moms!!

Carrie - posted on 01/10/2012

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I work full time and so does my husband. At times I do feel guilty, especially when I pick up my 3-year old from preschool and sometimes she is the last one there when I get there at 5:15. But I do not feel that they are being raised by the school nor would I be able to stay home with them 24/7. I commend those who can do it and are able to do it. I do have a lot of SAHM friends and now that their kids are older, they are finding it difficult to find jobs because they have been out of the work force for so long. I spend quality time with my girls on the weekends and my husband has thursdays off to pick them up early at school and spend time with them. I also have my mom, sister and MIL to help. Besides, both girls have much more fun at school playing with other kids and learning that staying home with me or my husband all day.

Wendy - posted on 01/09/2012

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I don't think one can really debate the issue of stay at home moms vs working moms. Each person is in a unique situation, has a unique set of circumstances, a unique personality and a unique history. One makes the decision to work or stay at home based on childhood experiences, personality, finances and circumstances. A mom is generally going to make a decision that is best for her children. Every mom knows her circumstances and personality best. I had a stay at home mom and she was great - she loved teaching us and being there for us. I hated being at home. I adore my children but missed the challenges of work, the mental stimulation and the independence. I was a miserable mom at home. I am a great working mom. I enjoy every minute with my children at the end of the day. I love reading them stories, doing homework etc. I tend to do MUCH more with them in the 2-3 hours at the end of the day then I managed in a whole day when I stayed at home (generally I felt tired, screamed a lot about the mess, and seemed to be saying NO - STOP THAT all the time). A happy mom is always the best one. One can not judge another mom, her circumstances are never the same as your own. Obviously one tends to think the decision you make is the best one (and it is for you) but you should not impose you personal opinions on others about whom you know little. Don't take these comments that you spoke about personally. Working or staying a home one has to make sacrifices and it is hard either way. The trick is balance and finding peace within yourself and you decision. If you are a happy self confident mom, your children will be happy and self confident children. Children need love. If you are giving your children love and quality time you are a wonderful mom. When you get home from work just focus on them and give them your full attention. Be happy and make the time you do spend with them as special as possible. Let them know every day that you love them and that they are precious to you. When they ask you why you work be honest. I will say, though, that no one else is raising your children but you. It is you who is doing the homework in the evenings, driving them to club hockey and tournament on Saturdays. Reading them bedtime stories each night and discussing the moral of the stories and the values in the story. It is you who, at the end of the day explains why what so and so said is wrong and what values you and your family believe in. It is you who runs to the shops at lunch to pick up all the material for the school projects and does them on the weekends to ensure that their projects are no par with everyone else. It is you who is washing sheets after a potty accident at two in the morning because you can't just throw it in the wash bin and do it the next day. You take off work for the important things, the hockey tournaments, the prize givings etc. You cook and freeze suppers on weekends so you can have time to check homework and teach them to read in the evenings. When you are not there the children are often lucky enough to have a father to does all these things and doesn't say its not his job. Single moms work and still do everything everyone else does. No one is raising our children but us. So what if the cupcakes for the bake sale are bought and not baked personally, they taste just as good.

Catherine - posted on 09/21/2010

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i work part time, my boys attend nursery 2 days a week, i have found this to be of great benefit to them, they both love it, they have learned so much including social skills from being with kids of thier own age, so i actually think all children from about 6mths should have some sort of nursery, one day a week as it not only helps thier development but give you as a parent extra people who actually know what bringing up children is really like and know children dont conform to what the books say, this kind of help and advice is invaluable. so you sahm want to ask yourself what are your kids learning? and most importantly what experience have you got?

Jennifer - posted on 09/19/2010

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I started out as a SAHM because we didn't need to have 2 incomes and I wanted to stay home. But I became depressed... and after my divorce it was necessary for me to work. Now I work 136 hours a week (which is a lot) but I spend a lot of good quality time with my daughter, when I'm at work my daughter is with my mom. i've been blessed with a family who can help pick up the slack for me. Also, didn't other people's mama's teach them "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all"? Why do people feel they need to judge others all the time? What works for some may not work for others... I get judged ALL the TIME for working the way I do. But, if you've struggled at all you'll take anything that comes your way! Mama's keep doing what you're doing! Be strong and confident in your decisions and tell anyone that judges you to "Mind your own business!"

Ceola - posted on 09/19/2010

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I love working too and trust me i hate staying home i could not or would not ever become a stay home mum but woohoo to the mums who do.. my children were in daycare and are now at school and attend an OSCAR programme after school... I'm a solo mother of two primary school children and i study fulltime at university so i can improve my job prospect yadadada and i would do it all over again.... there is a but...... i balance my family life and work life because if one fail i fully topple over and untill my children leave me i will not work the ugly hours that i use to work when i was younger because i was exhausted i had no time for my partner at the time or my children and due to the long hours being over stress this incident became a situation where my child were pretty much raised by daycare.... but now i look after myself first and make time for my children and nothing touches my saturdays where it is family day and me time lol... go all the working mums and stay home mums

Amy - posted on 09/19/2010

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I haven't seen any posts where a sahm trys to make a working mom feel bad, maybe I just don't open them. I wish I didn't have to go to work, but I know that's what I have to do if we want to stay in the house that we live in, and if we want to take family vacations, and all that other good stuff! It's hard now since my son started pre-school and other moms are trying to make play dates with him and I have to say no because I'm working. I don't have weekends off so I have some flexibility with my days off but I wish that I could always say yes so my son could spend time with his friends.
My husband works late nights till 2 am so that we don't have to do daycare so it makes it easier on me knowing that my kids are always with someone who loves them, but I know that not everyone can do that. I try to make my schedule so that we have at least one day off together to do stuff together as a family! My husband is a police officer and I work retail so sometimes Thanksgiving doesn't get celebrated on Thanksgiving, wedding anniversaries get postponed! It would not be fair that he be the only one that has to make sacrafices to support the family, it's great that some families are able to do that I wish I could but I don't feel guilty that I have to go to work and I certainly wouldn't let anyone else make me feel guilty knowing that I'm doing what's best for our family. The only thing I wish is that I was still my son's favorite, I got it while on maternity leave with my daughther but now that I'm back to work my husband has it back, lol. I guess it's good that that's my biggest problem!

Donna - posted on 09/19/2010

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well said, honestly I think thats the prob, most stay at home moms are miserable. They're probably couped up in a house all day or stuck with their kids almost 24/7. Ok sure they have friends and all but its just not the same. You know what I mean

Tah - posted on 09/19/2010

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absolutely..and studies showed that children of working moms get no less attention....hugs etc than that of sahm's children. and yes i have seen some women who stay at home say that they will be home-schooling their children and all they have wanted to be is mothers, and that's great for you and i hope nothng ever happens that would change it for them but don't try to tell me that daycare is raising my children..and i have seen the sahm vs working mom threads on here often, but even in threads that didn't have anything to do with that i kept reading..."well my husband wants me to work, but i don't want daycare to raise my children"...or "i think it is important that i instill my morals and values in my children and not some daycare center"...the last time i checked that is not what the daycare did but we do it everyday the same as if i was at home, so after the what seemed like 100th post all across COM that sounded that way i began to get a little offended(understatement of the year)...

Stephanie - posted on 09/19/2010

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I work full time. 45-50 hours a week. My husband does the same. My daughter has been in daycare since she was 3 months old. I love working. I am not one of those types of women who can be a stay at home mom. I commend the women who can do that. I don't feel as if i am less of a mother because my child is in daycare. Whenever she is sick i take off work to be with her. After i pick her up from daycare we spent all of our time with her. I view daycare as a place where she can learn social skills while playing with the friends she has made. If daycare makes us less motherly then so does regular school. Should stay at home mothers also home school their children? Daycare care givers are the same as regular school teachers. they are teaching our child certain skills just as school teachers are teaching children who are a little older. Daycare children just have better social skills and immune systems.

Bridget - posted on 09/18/2010

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I hear you!!! I work part time (2 days most weeks or 3 if I pick up extra work) not only because I have to but because I want to be able to provide everything for my son as he gets older and older (we have started an account for him so at 21 he will have enough for a good deposit for a house). He learns soooo much going to daycare but never does it feel like they 'raise' him. They provide food, water, activities, play and sure some comfort but everyday he runs up to me when I pick him up and takes me over to show me what he was playing with or pictures he has done (he is 15 months). Our time at home together is so much more special now and I give him my undivided attention on my days off! Although I have my moments I enjoy working - it helps me get some adult time (despite being a teacher and working with kids all day) and gets my brain functioning again. I am so much more organised and physically active these days (normally I am very lazy) which I love!!
Circle of mums is about sharing our experiences and asking for constructive advice not for judging others on their mothering skills when they usually know nothing or the other person's situation!! It's not constructive to criticise - people should just share their experiences so others can take it or leave it depending on if it fits their situation!!

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