A bit of resentment....SOS

Geri - posted on 01/16/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

16

5

0

I love my son so much. He is so wonderful, but sometimes I can't help but feel resentful at him. I think, "If I didn't have him, I would be able to be whoever I wanted and do whatever I wanted and not have to worry about being a mom." Then, I would feel so guilty for having those wishes in my heart. I would NEVER give him back but I sometimes wished I hadn't sad "YES" to my boyfriend that night. See, I'm not married which I feel makes it even worse! I know I'm more co-dependent then independent and not having that love and support from his father makes me feel so alone and cornered. And there is a lot of resentment for the father! I feel jealous and angry that HE gets to go out with his buddies, has his personal space, play his stupid video games, watch t.v., eat, sleep soundly, mess around with his music and all without worrying about his son!....While I'm feeding, nursing, changing diapers, giving baths, playing peek-a-boo, rocking my baby to sleep.....UGH! okay...well, someone please tell how to make this better!!! What do I need to change so that I will never have to say that I regret my son??? I really do love my babycakes!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Evelyn - posted on 01/18/2009

14

27

2

Hi hun I went throught the same and that was with a husband! I long for a night out with the girls or for just a few baby free hours! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!You are also not a bad mum for think these thoughts! You might need a mild anti depresant as it seems you may have a mild dose of post natal depression... i am not a doctor I just know that its what I felt and what I had... I ended up really scaring myself as my baby was 3 months old and wouldnt stop crying ... I was sat holding her crying my eyes out and just rocking... I didnt know what to do or who to turn to! I went to the doc the next day and got put of tablets... 2 weeks later I started to feel in control again!



See if a member of family can take the wee one once a month for you... set it to be the same day and night every month that way it will give you something to look forward to!



Just remember that you dont need the dad... your a good mum and thats enough for your wee one! after all whats better a mum and crappy dad or a mum that one day can tell the child exactly what daddy was like?! you can hold your head up high knowing that you did it... you survived labor... your a great mum... you have a child that loves you more than anything else in the world & it will get better one day! start looking for things to be glad of in every day instead of dwelling on the crappy stuff thats going on around.



and above all else HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH! and stick that well known finger upto anyone who doubts you!lol



xxEVxx

[deleted account]

Geri,



I completely understand what you are going through.  I may be married, but there are times when I feel trapped by my son (who is 9 months old), and then I feel so guilty.  However, I have come to look at things like this: would my life really be that much better if he wasn't apart of it? 



I get to see him grow and develop an awesome personality (even though he can be trying at times).  And just like all the other women have said, the man who is your son's father is missing out on a lot.  You got to make your son smile for the first time, you got to hear him laugh for the first time.  You know his favorite toys, etc.  Just realize that this little boy was put into your life for a reason.  Sometimes it helps when you have "bad days" to go into his room and watch him sleep, then you realize that everything is perfect.



Keep your head up!  And try to find a Mom's group in your area so you can interact with other Mom's and get some adult interaction.  =)

Shoshanna - posted on 01/17/2009

16

0

0

I understand what you are saying, I am a single mom, the father left me when i was 3 months pregnant.  I love my daughter so much and would not change her for the world, but i sometimes feel that she has "stole my youth' i cant go out, cause i dont have a sitter. I have no money for myself, cause i need t ohave formula and diapers. its hard... and every mom goes through it, its part of the wonderful hormones that runs through our bodies. all you can do is accept that this is your life, based on the decisions you made. Look at changing diapers as rewarding. we as mothers are expierncing joys and connections with our children their fathers miss out. we get to see their first smiles, first steps, first trouble, we are going to be the ones that these babies grow up to thank for making them the good people they will become.  just cherish the moments and the memories!!!!!!

Brandi - posted on 01/17/2009

2

5

1

Give it time. I was 18 when I had my first child (he is 7 now) and his "donor" was never around to help. I just think back on how I wanted to go hang out with my friends all the time and wished things were different but now I wonder why I ever had those feelings. I think about how much his donor missed out and how much I would have missed out had I not had him. Kids can be stressful. That is a fact of life. You just have to remember that baby is going to be your rock when he is older because you're his mom and you had to give up so much for him. I promise, your feelings of resentment will pass.

Ashley - posted on 01/17/2009

45

21

4

Hi Geri.

First of all, I think that every woman feels that way at some point. Even though you know your life will change forever, it still doesn't prepare you for it. I may be a little old fashioned in my thinking, but I would rather have my children now than a successful career. There will be time for a career later. As far as the father is concerned, he is the one missing out. I'm sure it's tough being a single mother, but what you're doing with your life is so much better, so much more rewarding than what your boyfriend is doing with his. And just because you're a mother doesn't mean you still can't go out and have fun! Try to do girls' night once or twice a month, whatever you can do.

I certainly felt that way when my son was a few months old. I gave up a great paying job, that I loved, to be a stay at home mom. Anytime I wanted to do something, I had to ask my husband for money. I hated not having independence. But to me, being a mother is the best job to have. My son is now 2 and half yrs old and any resentment I had towards him is gone. I am having some issues with my 6 month old daughter, but that is a different topic.

I'm not sure if there's anything you can do to change how you feel. I think with time, you'll be over any bad feelings you have.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

21 Comments

View replies by

Ashleigh - posted on 01/18/2009

385

7

46

I know how you feel.  I got married young,when I was 19 and am 22 now.  My son is 9 months old now and sometimes I feel the exactly what you described.  My labour was very difficult, and then on top of that my son had severe colic, for about 5 months.  I resented him for it, and didn't want anything to do with him ( I had PPD, but have recovered thankfully ! ) I think everyone has those days where they just don't want to "be a mom".  When it's those tough days, I just try to take a deep breath and sit and relax and enjoy my time with my little angel because I know one day he will be all grown up and I will miss this time :) 

Geri - posted on 01/18/2009

16

5

0

Honestly, when I posted this I didn't know if I would receive anything that would be of any use to me, but you ladies that have such wisdom and kind words to share. You have touched my heart in a way that gives me strength to look forward to another day, everyday and support in knowing I am not on my own. Thank you.

Janel - posted on 01/18/2009

17

12

1

My sister is in a situation similar. She was only 18 when she had her almost 2 year old daughter with a boyfriend. They live together but I know she feels like she does a lot of the hard work and he gets all the fun times. She's even expressed to me that she feels he isn't as involved and helpful because they aren't married and he thinks that means he doesn't have to work as hard. And all of that is B.S if you ask me. My personal views are a little more laid back and while I think it's wonderful when someone finds a person they love more than anything and they get married (like I did), I don't think it's an absolute MUST in life, even when raising a kid.



Your life is totally different. It's easy to be resentful because someone who is not you has come along and changed your life completely.



Sometimes I get frustrated at the fact that I can't go out and do things like i used to. But, we both have something much more amazing than a few nights out with friends could ever be. You have a much more fulfilling role to play in your life.



I applaud you for being strong, doing this "on your own" so to speak. I know it's hard and I know some times are darker than others. But look at that adorable little guy's face! That has to make it all worth it.

Jessica - posted on 01/17/2009

2

0

0

I know Exactly how you feel. I just wish that I had a moment or a little second for myself to be myself. Also I am fighting with finding who I am again. My child is about to be 3.

Jessica - posted on 01/17/2009

2

0

0

I know Exactly how you feel. I just wish that I had a moment or a little second for myself to be myself. Also I am fighting with finding who I am again. My child is about to be 3.

User - posted on 01/17/2009

30

0

4

Quoting Brandi:

Give it time. I was 18 when I had my first child (he is 7 now) and his "donor" was never around to help. I just think back on how I wanted to go hang out with my friends all the time and wished things were different but now I wonder why I ever had those feelings. I think about how much his donor missed out and how much I would have missed out had I not had him. Kids can be stressful. That is a fact of life. You just have to remember that baby is going to be your rock when he is older because you're his mom and you had to give up so much for him. I promise, your feelings of resentment will pass.



I feel the same way as Brandi. Everyone is going to feel that way at some point in their life. There will always be the what if's and you just have to work past them. There are pro's and con's to having a child early but it all evens out in the end and it's all worth it just to see the smile on your child's face when they accomplish something, the slobbery kisses, wiping away their tears and making them feel better and of course, hugs....hugs and MORE HUGS! I have twins and I always think about what I could be doing at this point, school, saving up money, getting married and traveling but then I think... I'm a young mom. I have the energy for it now, I have the love for it now and I also have the patience. School, traveling and everything else can wait... and I can also spend the rest of my life enjoying it with my kids and my husband.

Barbara - posted on 01/17/2009

537

19

42

What's done is done, and can't be undone.  You have to live and enjoy the life you have and let go of those "what if " moments.  I know it must be hard when your son's father is off playing while you do the work, but what would you really rather be doing than raising your child?  It's all over too quickly and then we have to watch them from afar as they live their own lives. 



But now is the time that you have the opportunity to help him to be the very best he can be, and feel loved and wanted.  Someday when he's a successfull, wonderful, beautiful person he's still going to love you as his mommy and keep you in his heart.  Do you think his father is going to be in there next to you, in that same special place?  No way.  Even if he does have a relationship with him eventually, he can't take back those first years.  Those are yours forever.

Valeria - posted on 01/17/2009

16

37

0

I know EXACTLY how you feel.  I had my son when I was 17 years old (I'm 23 now).  Sometimes I feel like I missed out on so much.  My friends still get to go party and have the freedom that I wish that I had.  But, on the days that I do get to go out, I miss my son so much, and I realize that I have more fun with him than I do without him. 



 



Your son is not going to be little forever, so enjoy these times with him.  Your child will look back and realize how much you have given up for him.  As far as the father is concerned, one day he is going to want a real relationship with your son, and your son isn't going to be there.  I pray that your boyfriend will open his eyes and realize that the time that he is losing with your son is precious.

Geri - posted on 01/17/2009

16

5

0

Quoting Alexis:



I dont think i can relate as much, i have never really resented my decision to have my daughter. I mean whether it was planned or not you did at some point make the choice to have your baby boy and all the problems that came with it. I understand that no one fully see's what they are getting into when deciding this but you cant hold your decisions agenst the father nor your child. You will see soon that these feelings will pass once you accept your life has changed, for the better! Keep in mind not being able to go out to party etc is not going to last forever, hell get older and sitters will be easyer to find. And the father may have all this freedom but keep in mind that he didnt even get the choice to have this child or not you decided this. I know both of you took part in creating the child (and not that i personally would abort) but if he was the one carrying the child he might have decided different, so thank your lucky stars you got to make that choice and not him. I dont wanna sound harsh cuz it is hard being a mom but we should teach our childrean to live happily in the decisions we make, cuz you cant regret a decision if you thought it was the best choice at the time.





By saying "yes" i ment yes to actually making love, not consenting to creating a child. He made that decision on his own. He later told me that he made that decision to keep me in his life. But, I understand what you are saying. thank you for your thoughts.

Alexis - posted on 01/17/2009

6

25

0

I dont think i can relate as much, i have never really resented my decision to have my daughter. I mean whether it was planned or not you did at some point make the choice to have your baby boy and all the problems that came with it. I understand that no one fully see's what they are getting into when deciding this but you cant hold your decisions agenst the father nor your child. You will see soon that these feelings will pass once you accept your life has changed, for the better! Keep in mind not being able to go out to party etc is not going to last forever, hell get older and sitters will be easyer to find. And the father may have all this freedom but keep in mind that he didnt even get the choice to have this child or not you decided this. I know both of you took part in creating the child (and not that i personally would abort) but if he was the one carrying the child he might have decided different, so thank your lucky stars you got to make that choice and not him. I dont wanna sound harsh cuz it is hard being a mom but we should teach our childrean to live happily in the decisions we make, cuz you cant regret a decision if you thought it was the best choice at the time.

Geri - posted on 01/17/2009

16

5

0

"stole my youth" I think that's the perfect way of putting it! Stretch marks and all!

Geri - posted on 01/17/2009

16

5

0

*sniff sniff* tears from my heart. Thank you for the words of encouragement. ; )

Rachel - posted on 01/16/2009

34

11

8

I had situation similar to yours. I had a horrible labor with my first child,long and I couldnt have any pain medication due to blood platlet problems(it was painfull!). I held it against my husband and my son for a good 4 months. Then I decided one day I had a part in this too. There is no reason to blame a awsome little baby boy or my husband for something I had a big part in. Just let it go and love your baby. It is his fathers loss, your son will always see you as the loving and caring mother that will always be there for him and love him.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms