Advice needed-sharing and only parenting please help

Caitlin - posted on 08/31/2010

I talked to her yesterday (I didn't babysit yesterday and am not today either) and she told me a bunch of excuses. His dad walked out on him when he was little so she has a hard disciplining him or getting him to listen (she also uses this as the reason why he isn't potty trained...he is still completely in diapers). And she told me Madelynn needs to start sharing to and got really pissy about it like it was my daughter's fault for playing with toys that no one was playing with. I told her for the time being I can't sit her son, I told her I'm not dealing with her son's violence. And she started putting up nasty facebook statuses last night so now I am basically not talking to her. The only bad thing is that her fiance is my daughters godfather (not the kids dad, but is a father figure to him...he will discipline the kid but he is in the National Guard and can't be home a lot since he is going to Afghanistan in April) and she has already been trying to turn him against his friends so it's going to be interesting. I just hate dealing with stuff like this because I try to avoid confrontation at all costs...

Katrina - posted on 08/31/2010

Would there be any chance you could babysit at your house instead of his? Then, as soon as he sets foot inside the front door tell him "My house, my rules." ie share and play nicely, no toys at the table for tea etc. Let him know that disobeying, in your house, means discipline and there will be no exceptions.

Maybe you could point out the difference in age and how he is a big boy and needs to act like it - no one likes to be friends with someone who doesn't play nice.

If you can't babysit at your house, use the ignoring technique (if he snatches toys etc and wants to play with you, take your daughter to the other side of the room and play with her - maybe with a bit of exaggeration - and let him see that playing by himself on the opposite side of the room is no fun and what you are doing is great fun) then he will join in but only if he plays nicely. As soon as he starts up the rough play, pick him up, put him on the other side of the room and start again. Tough love but sometimes can get results.

If neither of these things are what you feel comfortable with, maybe you just need to sit and say to the mother, "Look, I know you need my help to babysit, but your son is not sociallising nicely with my daughter and is hurting her. If it continues, I need to make sure my daughter is safe, and happy and I may need to stop working for you" Give her warning rather than just quitting and maybe even a timeline (say a month) so that she will actually get off her rear and do something about it.

If she needs you as much as you think she does, she will deal with the situation.

Good luck :)

Lyndsay - posted on 08/30/2010

It sounds like the son really needs your help as well, because the mother is obviously a flake. While the child is in your care he should be doing as you say, and since you are the babysitter you should be enforcing the rule of sharing. If he grabs a toy that your daughter is playing with, which he previously was not at all interested in, grab it back and return it to your daughter. If he doesn't like it, too bad. Direct him to another toy and assure him that he can have a turn when she is finished. If he's hoarding all of his toys throughout the house so she can't have any, you go up and pick a few that he isn't really playing with to share with your daughter. You are the adult responsible and you should be in control of the situation.

Pamela - posted on 08/30/2010

tell his mom that she needs to get better control on the kids behaver or you will not be able to help her out anymore my 2 yr old is going though the mine phase right now and if i ever see him take anything from someone i always take it from him and give it back to the person whom he took it from and tell him to ask first and if the object is his i tell him he needs to share and it seems to help he is very good with sharing most of the time but he was also very young when we started to teach him but i know how it can drive you crazy when someone doesn't seem to care my sister in-law has a 1 yr old and he always takes things that aren't his and she doesn't care and if anyone else tell him its bad she gets mad one time he broke my moms glasses and she try to blame the dog even though my mom had taken the away lots times and told my sister in-law not to let him have them but if she doesn't work with him to stop the behaver soon he might not grow out of it

Good Day! - posted on 08/30/2010

I honestly don't think it has anything to do with him being an only. I think it's more about the way his parents are raising him. It's easy to yell, not easy to teach. All children go through a "mine" stage (my daughter included) but this seems very excessive, especially since he's hurting another child.

I know you want to help this mom. But maybe the best way to help her is to quit. Tell her you don't like the way he is treating your daughter and responding to the time outs. Maybe if you quit and she's left to fend for herself, it will be a wake-up call to her that she needs to re-think her parenting. But then again, maybe it won't. Maybe she'll just make excuses. But that's not on you, it's on her.

September - posted on 08/30/2010

IMO it's the mom of the child that needs to do something about this issue. It sounds like this is a child that had not been taught to share or interact with other children and it's not the child’s fault at all. I think that you should tell his mom how you feel. There is no reason that your daughter needs to be treated this way, if his mom cannot respect your wishes then stop taking you daughter around her child. Our son is an only child at the moment too however our son attends playgroups, daycare and has play dates on a regular basis which have been helpful in teaching him that sharing is important. As parents I feel it's our job in raising our children to interactive respectfully on a social level. I think that you're doing the right thing by making sure your daughter has playmates, it's unfortunate that this little boy is having such a hard time. Good luck!