Advice on break-ups

Amanda - posted on 08/02/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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How do you handle a break up when you're almost 7 months pregnant? I don't want my emotions and hormones to get in the way of the right decision.

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Amanda - posted on 08/03/2009

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And thanks everyone. I know opinions are like you know but sometimes you just need an outside perspective. I'm still undecided on what is going to happen I just want to let you all know I appreciate your input. And if I decided to stay then I guess he's still an ass, he's just my ass. And if I leave I'll just have to be strong. Thanks again.

Amanda - posted on 08/03/2009

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Yeah but you can't sue them for not being what they want. That's what they say to get out of having to hire you. Legally they can't say they don't want to hire a prego girl but if they just say positions are full, or I'm not what they're looking for they get out of all legal bounds. It's sad cause you think they'd understand you probably need the job now more than ever and on the up side they wouldn't have to pay me in 2 months when I'm gone but it is what it is. And I am staying at my moms currently. I am very lucky to be able to lean on her often when I need to. She says I don't have to work but I feel bad having her pay for my things. I just wish he wasn't so selfish. But wish in one hand... I just thought we had a family plan. He said he wanted me to stay home and take care of her until she was bigger and that's of course what we all want. But I feel bad cause I did it with my first daughter and now I won't be able to do it with this one. My first daughter was abused at 8 mos so I just can't bear the thought of anyone taking care of this one until she's old enough to talk. Which is what I had to do with my first and which also lead my to the career path I was in. For 3 years I danced just to be able to have all the money I needed and stay with her all day. I know if nothing changes between us that's where I'm going to end up again. I don't like that environment but it's the only job that let's me take care of what I need to. Some people down me for what I did but I don't down anyone for sending their kids to day care. I just want to be a normal family. But I guess he doesn't if he's only doing for himself. And I don't mind asking for assistance from the gov't. But if you don't work it's harder to get it. They don't care about anyone's situation really. They just think that if you're not working you're not trying. So they only thing I can get is Medical for the baby. I guess I'll just have to start over and pick up the pieces no matter what the cost, even if I have to go back to an old life style.

Stevie - posted on 08/03/2009

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abby and amanda i think if i am right {im not 100% on this part of it but i know the other part is still true} i think no job can deny you work just because you are pregnant you can take them to court and sue them for that and i know that no job can fire you when you are pregnant abby i dont know if you are still looking for a job if you are go out look for them dont be ashamed although i probably would have done the same thing not putting down your pregnancy on the app but continue to go out and ask them when you get an interveiw why they say you just arent what they want and maybe take it to a lawer just some thoughts on that same to you amanda once you get your butt away from him look for a job or start now but you still need to get away but if you know or have a feeling about false hiring take it to a court

Abby - posted on 08/03/2009

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WOW. that is absolutely ridiculous. I can only imagine how many times you've been told he's a jerk or ass or whatever, and I know I don't need to say it (although I will think it). It really sounds like this is stressing you out to the max, and when you're 7 months pregnant you really shouldn't be subjected to that extra stress- and I'm sure you don't need me telling you that. I'm 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby right now and completely understand the fact that nobody will hire a pregnant woman when she's going to have to leave in a couple of months. My fiancee wasn't pulling his weight to pay the bills so I tried looking for a job and I purposely wouldn't write in the application that I was expecting, but every single time I had an interview they would always say I wasn't what they needed or have some stupid reason not to hire me once they saw my preggo belly. Is there anyone you can stay with temporarily? I know it isn't ideal, but if you do leave him you can apply for section 8 or subsidized housing, and I can't see how any state could deny you because you're currently pregnant and the only caregiver for your other daughter. Also, I'm not sure when fuel assistance starts in your state, but some states have fuel assistance available year-round or special funds saved for certain situations like the one you're in. I had to swallow all of my pride to apply for housing assistance and food stamps because I grew up next to a town literally FULL of people who just abused the welfare system and I was determined not to be one of them. But I've paid my dues into the system and since I won't be on assistance or food stamps that long I know it's just me basically getting my money back when I really need it. I hope at least some of this can be helpful to you, and if not I apologize. I wish you the strength and courage to handle this atrocious situation you are in and I will hope for the best. Please keep us updated!

Jeanine - posted on 08/03/2009

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my goodness ...I think the best question you need to ask yourself is ...do your kids need this ??? im sure its very very tough on you but how are they going to feel when they get old enough to see how stressed out you are because of him ..you dont sound very happy .thats alot of drama for a mommy to be and the parent of a little girl to be under especially if he doesnt even care if your little girl can bathe or anything .WOW... I went through the same thing ...I loved him. no matter what he did or other people said ... even tho he did HORRIBLE selfish things to me all the time.. he put himself first before the baby or my self . but I finally stopped thinking that I wanted to be with him and thought my baby doesn't need this my life we both will be alot healthier if i got the hell out of this ....I know its a very difficult situation.... but if this guy cares more about his friends hanging out etc. then he does if you all have gas,water etc.. you need to get yourself in a healthier situation for your sake and your babies sake ...maybe he'll grow up when he realizes you wont put up with it . maybe he wont .. but you gotta do whats best for you and ur babies ... I cant imagine having to live like that .. I actually did for awhile until i got myself out of it..it was hard VERY hard but iam in such a better situation for me and my daughter now . I think for me it was the best decision i ever made . Good luck ..

Stevie - posted on 08/03/2009

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hon you really need to just leave him go to your moms stay there with her i dont know your relastionship with her but do it just leave take your child and one day you will find a good and awesome amazing guy who will love you and your kids like they are his i did in college i was pregnant when i went to college and thats where i found my husband but in the dating prosess with the next guy dont get pregnanat until you know and have a ring lol but it will get much better for you if you just get out and do it now its the best for you and your daughter and the new baby they need something more stable so get out hon it really is the best it sounds like a form of abuse i was in a few like yours except i didnt live with anyone until college lol but i know just how you feel and i know you probably feel like you know you have to leave go with that feeling you probably feel like well he does take care of me cuz if he didnt we wouldnt have food or the roof over your head but a roof is only a roof you need the rest of the house you need the walls and he isnt it if that makes any since but trust you need to leave dear and it will be really hard it always is

Amanda - posted on 08/03/2009

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Well what's been going on is...Apparently we fight all the time. That's what he says. I think it's normal for us to fight and even more so because money is the root of all evil and when you have none things can be rough, but for the most part I thought the love was there. He kicks me and my daughter out all the time but this time I told him, " I'm trying to tough through hard times with you but there's a difference between hard times and not being able to give your daughter a bath cause the gas has been turned off for a week. I'm going to stay at my mom's til the gas gets turned on and I suggest you get it done by monday." Not only did I wait a week to tell him this but every day during the week he LEFT! Left me with no gas or cable at the house to go hang at his friend's where they do have these things. After I put my daughter to bed I cried every nite last week feeling lonely and like he just left me to go through these hard times by myself! On top of it, I told him how I was feeling and he told me to leave too and get a hobby! I'm sorry but I have responsibilities! My daughter's bed time is at 8 so that's when I need to be there. Conveniently he left every night from 7 and didn't get back til like midnight or whenever, JERK! Anyway, Now I know he's mad cause he doesn't need me to tell him for what he wants too. It's just I can't be dragging my daughter (she's really not his but the only daddy she really knows) from house to house to bathe. Now I don't work either. Not that I didn't have a job but, he got me fired from one job for calling my boss. And asked me to quit another since he started a business and they were cutting my hours at my job he said you should just come work for me. So I tried but it's hard to work for someone who doesn't have anything together. About a month later we found out we are expecting and so I just stayed home. My house is always clean, dinner on the table when he gets home, so he didn't really have a problem with it. He even helped me pay some bills I was having hard times with. But this weekend on top of all the stress with a $500 gas bill a month, I told him I couldn't make my car payment. And mind you this is the only car we have. He also has a 6yr old son who visits every other weekend. And he only drives his motorcycle. Which we didn't have the money to get but since I don't make any money I can't tell him how to budget his, so he got it anyway. So since we both use the car and I have been making the payment myself up until now I thought gosh I really don't wanna ask but I know I have to. God forbid it get repoed. When I asked he flipped and told me he's been telling me to get a job. Which he hasn't, he says my job is to keep the house nice and cook. Besides in this economy who wants to hire a girl who's just going to leave in a couple months?! I'm so frustrated at myself for letting it get like this. I feel like I was stupid for believing him when he said he'd take care of us. I feel like he throws me for a mind game every time something doesn't go his way. I just can't understand why he would say I don't need a job and then when I need help, ump well I should have had a job! I feel it's mean to do this to me this far into the pregnancy and to reject us. Just like one minute he's my daughter's dad and the next minute we're fighting so he's not. I know everything I'm saying says to leave him but I don't know what's holding me back?! The fact that I can't stand the thought of already having two different daughter's father's and if I leave a possibility for another one's. Having to start all over AGAIN. He knows all the heartache I went through the first time. And then a part of me wants to grit my teeth and bare it, cause I know eventually he'll get over being mad about this bill and pay for the car. Am I just being selfish? Even thought he uses it too? See how confused I am!!! I know he's an ass, people tell me all the time. But on the other hand he's my ass. I just don't know how much longer I can deal. And then when we fight about money he shoves in my face that one day his business will be better off and I just have to deal for right now and eventually everything will be taken care of. Once again he's saying he's going to take care of me. I'm just also afraid of us being better off and farther down the line and this is going to happen all over again. Only the gas won't be off he'll just kick me out cause he wants to, like usual. I don't know!!!!!!ARG!

Jocelyn - posted on 08/02/2009

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if you are worried about your hormones affecting your decision, look back at the times before you got preg, in my experience, breakups are usually a long-time-coming sorta thing. whatever you choose i wish you the best :)

Sondra - posted on 08/02/2009

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I can tell ya right now if your not happy then ditch him. I thought being with my son's father was the best thing for me and after my son was born I realised that I didn't need him nor did I want him. He caused more problems for me and my son when he was around so I left him.

Stevie - posted on 08/02/2009

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are you trying to break up with him or did he break up with you...honestly if your going to do the breaking up just do it and get it over with and then you can go and cry it out or whatever you need to do it is always hard esp if he is the father of your soon to come baby but that is probably the way i would do it...is he just your bf or a husband or soon to be hubby of course none of them would make it any easier but some might take longer to get over i guess if it is the best for you and your family just do it hon and if he is the father of this new life then just do it and then when you have yourself "put more together" emotionally you know then you can talk to him about what his rights are or whateever you plan on doing about him and the new baby

Amber - posted on 08/02/2009

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Sweets, there really isn't any right answer to this question. But I can honestly say, I know what you're going through. My ex and I broke up when I was 6 mo along. And you know something, for a little bit - yeah it was hard. You think to yourself, "how can i do this alone?" "what happened?" stuff like that....That's what your family is for. You are not alone. There is your family that you can lean on for support. And there's groups you can go to etc...... But all in all, you become a much stronger person! I sure did. God doesn't close doors without opening another. Hang in there. And the best of luck to you.

Brenda - posted on 08/02/2009

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not all guys are douche bags, they just have a harder time dealing with parenting than we do. I read once that a woman can take 7x more pain than a man! my ex and i were on and off the whole pregnancy and then completely called it off when my baby was 6 months old. It was the best decision for me and for her. I handled it by asking myself if we were better off together or separated. I suggest the same!

Hollie - posted on 08/02/2009

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I guess it really depends on the situation. I know of a woman who was as far along as you, and she found out her husband had been cheating on her, so it totally made sense that she'd want to be separated from him. But I also know that sometimes when you're pregnant, you hate your significant other...for no particular reason sometimes and for very good ones other times. What is the hurry? Is it going to make a difference if you do it now or wait?

Mel - posted on 08/02/2009

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I don't think there is any right answer here... Are you a Christian? If so or if not, there are amazing groups out there for single moms and people to help you through all the things you are feeling. You want the baby to be safe but you need to be ok too... Good luck..

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