Am I a bad mum?

Laura - posted on 12/18/2012 ( 39 moms have responded )

7

0

0

Ok, here it goes
I am 23 married and have to boys aged 4 and 2 1/2. And I am finding I am always yelling at my children, don't get me wrong I love them dearly, but there are days they drive me up the wall. I find I just want to be by myself, I just want to be able to do things I did before I had kids, draw, sleep, surf the web, read, watch tv, exercise. Anything. And I feel like I can't do anything. I try to do things and am constantly stopping because the kids are fighting, falling over, hungry something is always stopping me, which makes me angry, frustrated and upset. I've been told by a family member I need to just grow up and realise that I am a mother now. I know this, but I just don't know how. In my head I know what a good mother is, but putting it into practise. . . That's another story.
I know all my kids want is for me to love and spend time with them, and I do love them, but everytime we go out and do stuff together, it ends up with me getting angry, frustrated and wishing we didn't bother going. Im finding that the sound of them crying just makes me so, "arghhhhhh, not again, just stop crying." This is so unfair to my babies, I know they deserve so much more, someone who gets up every morning and greets them with love and spends the day with them, includes them in daily routines.
What do I do

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Eva - posted on 12/18/2012

23

0

5

Hey, you're a "bad mom" just like me! I have 2 little ones (2 yrs and 3 months) and you know what gets me through the day? REMEMBERING THAT THEY'LL GROW UP EVENTUALLY. As in, eventually be "independent" little people who act somewhat reasonably. Today alone, my daughter 1) got a chair, got a wet paintbrush I had wrapped up, and painted the side of our desk (I caught her 2 minutes later, so it was wet and wiped off.) 2) Took 2 handfuls of cat litter and dropped them on our coffee table (this is in our basement, recently remodeled so a new territory I am still teaching her to behave in) and 3) the more daily occurrence of reaching into any cup of liquid I give her, so she can take some out with her hand and splash it around.

These things happen more often than ever with the new baby. He never gets yelled at (come on, he's 3 months) but she has been getting an earful. And you're right, it's not fair. I, too, have been trying to remember to keep my calm.

It helps to keep 3 things in mind with small kids (this is the advice part):
1) Distraction is key. Even if they really are being awful, yelling at them about it doesn't help, it makes you feel more stressed and makes them act out. Is the 2 year old throwing a fit? Suddenly throw his coat or a blanket over his head and say "Hey!! Where'd you go?? Are you hiding?" And encourage the older one to help you find his younger brother. Nonsense or weird questions also help. My husband works away from home and I like to suddenly pull the "Honey, where's daddy?" card or "Hey, look a dog!"
2) When you want to kill them, randomly praise them. Again, they find this confusing and it works. If they're having a horrible fight, killing each other on the floor, suddenly yell "WOW! Eldest son you did such a great job getting dressed this morning! And youngest son, I really like your socks! Where did you get those socks?" You can also play completely ignorant: "Can you help me find my umbrella? Mommy has lost her umbrella! Please help mommy!"
3) Nothing makes you feel EVEN WORSE than knowing you let yourself down by yelling. The handfuls of litter are forgotten but the fact that you raised your voice remains. You know they're acting their age, but our only excuse... we don't excuse ourselves, we feel like abusive parents, it's the worst. So lets save ourselves the guilt.

Are you a stay-at-home mom? I am, and I've put my daughter in daycare 2 full days a week (in my town that $25/day). Your feeling that you've lost yourself doesn't sound like you get to escape to work to me ... and neither do I, unless I have a babysitter these tots are with me 24/7. My husband also works away from home for 3 weeks and returns for 2 (mining camp) so I often feel like a single parent. Regardless, it sounds like you need someone to TAKE THOSE KIDS so you have more "me" time. This is not unreasonable. My baby is breastfed so he is always with me, but the toddler also goes to her grandparents on average 1 overnight a week, and I occasionally use a public "free" daycare that does 3 hour babysitting. THIS TIME APART IS SO GOOD FOR ME AND HER.

You need to look into what's available in your area (and that also means that if you can't find it, ask people who provide something remotely close if they could make an exception for you. I made sure my daycare provider knew that I was only 2 days, and that I would leave for long unpaid stretches - visiting my family 8 hrs from here - frequently.) You need to ask friends and family for help. You need to know that being a good mom doesn't mean being a mom that's always with her kids. Kids need to experience the world, too, and that starts with spending any time away from you. They often cry at the separation stage, but that doesn't mean they won't have fun being where you leave them.

Cleaver - posted on 12/18/2012

580

0

89

i think all moms feel this way a bit toddlers (especially boys) take up the most time and energy but later on you'll miss it. there are ways to incorporate your kids into what you want to do you want to draw sit down with your boys and do a little art project, my 2 yo loves to read me stories and he also loves it when i read him my stories. when i go on the computer my son plays with his leapfrog computer at his 'computer desk' cutest thing ever!! want to exercise take a bike ride and get one of those bike trailers or get your boys to try yoga mine likes to try it. and when you feel like yelling take 3 deep breaths and try to calm down

[deleted account]

Hi there! Ok so I am not a young mom. I am a 45 year old mom of of 3. First, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and all mothers of every age feel this way at some time or another. Oh, you will likely be told get over it, blah blah, blah. You can't just get over it, in fact you need to find an outlet to deal with these feelings. Heres a suggestion from a mom who has been there and still occasionally has those kinds of days, because it is normal! Find a playgroup in your area, or create one. Go to your local elementary school and ask if you can put up a poster inviting moms with their kids to come to the park on a specific regular day, or see if the school will let you use their gym facilities. Or, check our your local gym, or yoga studio, or even online on your community website. It is very likely to have a playgroup, class, or weekly activity, just designed for young families. Make time to do this. The house cleaning will always be there! You need some adult interaction and conversation with others who are dealing with the same type of day you are having. I don't think you are angry at your kids, be assured they know you love them. But if you are worried they don't, one small thing you can do, evey morning, no matter how you are feeling, start the day with I love you! I had days when I actually said to my kids, ' mommy is having a rough morning and it has nothing to do with you. I love you. Can you be patient for mom? " This always resulted in hugs and the day suddenly became a whole lot better. I think you are overwhelmed and need to feel support from other parent(s) in the same "boat' to vent with. It just happens that your kids are always available no matter what the situation and you need to get out your feelings. You also need to share your feelings with your partner, I say partner, because raising kids is the unbreakable partnership you made together. Ask dad to give you a time out every night, even if it is only 30 minutes, so you can go for a walk or excercise, paint your nails. have a bath , read a book or gab on the phone, anything for you , without any interruption. You are entitled to that time and it will be to everyone's benefit, even your hubby! The saying is very true, if momma isn't happy, nobody is happy! There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So don't try to live up to an unachievable fairy tale standard. We are all human. Even your kids have bad days, we as parents forgive them and understand. They will do the same for you if you let them.~ you are not alone! :)

Cynthia - posted on 12/30/2012

71

19

19

Laura, have you tried a free moms outlet like MOPS. They usually meet once a wee or every couple, they have free childcare and there are other moms there dealing with the exact same issues. They are a Christian group, but do not require you to be a Christian to join. Their motto is "No Mom Left Behind". This is a great place to meet other moms looking for what you are looking for. You can network and do a babysitting exchange. They are non-judgemental and caring. They have Mentor moms who have "been there, done that".

Angela - posted on 12/29/2012

41

0

4

Laura
Yes your a young mother and there is room for change. If your boys are not in daycare then you need to establish a routine (Schedule) for them.
Example:
7:00-8:00am mother's time to get dressed and cook breakfast
8:00-9:00am boys up and dressed and eat breakfast

Have them help with the cleaning, responsibilities are good for children and it makes them think that are doing some wonderful to help mommy! They are!

9:00-10:00am help mommy clean and do some inside door play only in play area you allow.
10:00-11:00am outdoor play
11:00-12:00am wash hands, drink(water or juice), lunch

The children could help with a PB and J sandwich with some apple slice with carrots. Something quick that won't stress you while the boys wait.

12:00-2:30 nap time and mommy's time!!!! Or to cook dinner without rush.
2:30-3:00 snack
3:00-Dinner time or when daddy gets home play in or outside. A little tv at their age won't hurt.
Try get out to the library or family. Set rules before you go so it not as stressful. I have a busy busy busy two year old boy and its stressful when we go shopping but I prepare myself with a pad he could write in, draw or color. A hand handle game about colors, shapes, and abc's that helps keep him settled. Sounding songs and being silly helps me with him too. Set a time for the boys to go to sleep every night so you can have time for you and time for your husband as well.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

39 Comments

View replies by

Melynda - posted on 08/04/2013

95

0

1

Sometimes when i feel like that i let everyone know that "mommys got a bad additude and needs a time out". Being 35yrs old i don't always get my full punishment but the mins i do get allows me to " reboot" and get that much needed me time.

Jody - posted on 08/04/2013

12

0

1

Find another mom and trade out a couple of hours each week for some me time. Our church has a Mother's Day Out program to give moms a break. If you can't afford the nominal fee, you can agree to work there for a few hours. Or find a daycare that will let you drop them off for an hour or so even if you just go to McDonald's by yourself and drink a coke. Most churches have nurseries and "children's church". Take them there and you sit outside and enjoy the quiet and have a conversation with God. Establish a reasonable bed time for the children and take advantage of the time between their good night and yours. DON'T TRY TO DO THINGS WHEN THEY NEED YOU. I write humor. If I try to write when the children are awake and active, FORGET IT. I just get irritated and it is not good for anyone.

Shannon - posted on 06/01/2013

16

0

7

you are just like the rest of us!! everything will be alright. i went through the exact same thing, but i was 34 when i had my son and i only have him and i am still going through it! pretty crazy huh! but i can tell you it does get easier, just remember they only get one childhood and do your best and the things you cant do now will slowly become less and less important to you, then before you know it you'll be able to slowly begin doing things you need to do for yourself. in the meatime try to get help with family or hire a sitter if possible, to get some personal time for you.....good luck!

Constanza - posted on 04/01/2013

19

0

0

Hi Laura, I'm a young Mum too! I'm married with 3 babies, (2 boys, newborn girl) the oldest turned 2 this March, and I'm 21. I understand where you are coming from completely, when it comes to people telling you "you're a mother now". Like I'm incapable of fun now!

Thankfully I don't really have issues with doing stuff I couldn't do before- I had babies knowing that I wanted my life to change. You have to embrace it, but you have to make time for you. Get your husband to help! He's the one in this with you. My husband knows Thursday nights are my night. Doesn't matter how shitty his day was at work, from 5.30 till Friday morning, the kids are his. None of my babies are weaned but I store up my milk in the fridge for him. We sometimes play in the garden together if the weather is nice, but tears, tantrums, nappies, play-dates; all of it is his domain on Thursdays. I have a bubble bath or read a book while he gets them ready for bed. I usually come in to help with storytime, but he is the active parent on Thursdays, and it works for us :)

Maybe try a young mother's support group? The can give you tips to stay calm and communication techniques.

LaQondia - posted on 03/22/2013

3

6

0

I know what you are talking about sometimes kids can make you want to pull out your hair but you never do because that would look way too weird :) as a mother of 2 very active and energetic boys I do find myself yelling alot but I decided that if they are not hurting one another, breaking anything, or getting into something that could hurt them I let them play and do house work then when i finish we have mommy and me time all 3 of us together. then when one falls asleep I spend time talking, letting the other help me cook, or do chores you would be amazed at how excited it makes them to help mommy. then at some point they both at times are sleep that is when I sit down watch tv, read a book, do my homework, or surf the web. start lunch usually on weekends because during the week I work full time then at night we repeat the beginning part of the day.

I have found it refreshing that at bath time I let them put as many toys they can in the tub and while they are having fun bathtime I cook,clean, or just sit down and relax bathtime in my house normally is 30-45 minutes as they both love the water. it works out great during that time I even have time to sit with my husband so everybody feels they have had my undivided attention. then once the kids are in bed I do nothing but take time for myself or with my husband who after I talked to him about how important it is for me to have me time .. it works out well and now my boys even honor the when mommy sitting alone it is her time and they will come in the kitchen and see me sitting on the little couch ...compliments of my hubby and they will come up give me a kiss and hug then run off into another room in the house.

Melysa - posted on 02/04/2013

171

19

13

it sounds like you may need to speak to your dr. try and look at things differently instead of thinking that spending time together means going out try getting the boys to help reorganize their rooms or toys, or make up a 'treasure hunt' with pictures instead of words of things that are in the garden they can race against each other or work together while mummy sits in the shade enjoying a little reading time while the boys explore in a less rigid whilst still safe area (can also work in the house) my boy gets dressed easier if I 'race' him to see who can get dressed faster! I have 5 kids 10, 9, 7 & 1/2, 5 & 1/2, and almost 4 (6 & 1/2 years between 1st and last) I also study full time and hubby seems to think that because he works he doesn't need to help out at home! my main concern for you is that it sounds like you may need help medically the way you describe yourself sounds like I was a little while ago before I started my antidepressants I know there is a big taboo around depression but it is more common then people let on. and it doesn't mean your a bad mum it means you have tried to be strong for so long that it is taking a toll I hope you can find a way to learn to value yourself again your Boys love you they don't want to make you upset! also you said that you find they are complaining about being hungry perhaps your day would be easier if you made lunches in the morning and have a packed lunch ready to go you could even pack it in a basket with a picnic rug include cut fruit etc and turn lunch into a picnic or pre measure out ingredients for cupcakes or cookies and let the boys make their own afternoon tea
biggest thing be proud of yourself

Sarah - posted on 01/24/2013

61

0

4

I can relate with you girl..i'm also 1st time mom and i used to do everything w/o anything to mind to..BUT now with a 2 yo toddler who was playing,running around and always make a mess around our small house.. i'm also a mom who want to do things by myself or i call "me time"..

what i did,,is like this..if you want to do things alone ..i suggests you wake up early in the morning and do the house chores and then our favorite--surfing the netetc.... w/o bothering by your kids.......and if they are awake put them to play room..and when its time for them to feed or bath just that the time to attend them..and afterwards you can go back to your stuff!...

its really an extra effort to wake up ahead of time..its also for own sake to have your "me time" especially if you have no nanny to take care of your kids...hope it helps!

Be positive..and let admit the fact that its our choice to be a mother and feel blessed that God gave us these kids and dont worry most of the things we used to do are still enjoyable! yes! its just that it needs a proper time management..and also need to compromise many times and adjust ourselves into a complete transformation..now that we are a mother!
God bless ..Have a nice and fulfilng day !

Feah - posted on 01/23/2013

66

0

21

Its not about growing up, I think it is obvious you have recognized that these feeling are not fair to your children. It sound like you need a break, a vacation (even a mini one) away from the kids.

And maybe get some help. Care.com or some place you can find a teenager or fellow mom and swap childcare so you can get some alone time.

Another problem maybe you guys just need a routine children stress when structure is not present. I have a schedule for my daycare kids it works fairly well I change the little things but breakfast,lunch,nap-time are always the same.

Or put your 4.5 year old in a preschool program to maybe to give you more time with just one lighten the load so to speak, but at the same time its good for him! :D

Jennifer - posted on 01/22/2013

25

1

6

I hear ya. I am a single mother of 3 girls, 5, 4, and 18 mo. They ARE a handful and probably give me blood pressure issues. lol But you just have to remember... kids will be kids. They yell, they scream, the get into things they KNOW they aren't suppose to.. they cry whine, fight... But Im sure we all did the same things when we were kids. With my 2 older ones I started doing "centers" with them. Which was find them both something to do (separately) that they enjoy for an hour or so and then they switch. That has worked wonders in my house. I would go insane without that and outside playtime!

Valarie - posted on 01/17/2013

1

0

0

i feel this way sometimes i sometimes ask my self the same question too but i try to relax breath in and out and then listen to them it does bother me but this is wat i do to try not screaming at my 2 girls but it does not make u a bad mother it happens to all mothers

Christina - posted on 01/16/2013

76

9

29

I am also a stay at home mom and have been for a little over a year. It took me about 6-8 months of being a bit miserable and lost feeling, before I realized a few things needed to change! 1. My attitude! Were my kids that bad or was I just being extremely impatient?
2. Instead of trying to do it all at nap time, some days that we had a rough morning, I would just sit and read a book or catch up on MY shows :)
3. Routine definitely helps! If your kids can get used to their time you and their own time by themselves, they might welcome it a bit more. You have to make sure though, that you are not expecting them to self entertain all day. You also have to make sure that when it is their time with you, you are giving them your undivided attention.
4. Give yourself time outs! (i have given myself many!) Or know when to walk away and discipline when you are prepared and calm.
5. Practice a really good discipline plan that works for you! It takes time for kids to catch on and alot of consistency on your part but it pays off in the end.
6. Get time away! Especially if you've had a rough day. Just a few hours away can rejuvenate you :)

Don't be too hard on yourself! Being a stay at home mom can so frustrating! But remind yourself that they are only little once and that YOU are their everything :) Don't disappoint them.

Joni - posted on 01/01/2013

85

0

1

Hi laura I'm 28 married with 3 boys ages 5,3, and 1. I don't know how you play and interact with hyour children but here is what works for us I wake up right before the boys get a quick shower,by then they are usually awake I change diaper/pull ups, start breakfast, we eat,they play after breakfast by themselves, I wash breakfast dishes after that I get down on the floor and play with them for about an hour. Then they play alone for about 30 mins then we have snack time after snack time I read to them at least 3 childrens books then the two younger ones lay down for nap. My oldest gets his tv time then he watches a movie and I check my e-mail surf web ect.. for about a half hour max. Then I do a load of laundry,sweep and mop kitchen floors daily. Then I start cooking lunch. While its cooking I sat down and watch tv with my oldest or I let him choose an activity for us to do together and I'm cooking and giving him the one on one time he needs. The younger ones wake up then they eat their lunch at this point I have already eaten my lunch with my oldest child. I feed them then I play with them one on one starting with the oldest. By the time I them each their own time the washer is done put clothes in dryer. Then play with all of them together at this point they are sick of me and want to do their own thing. So I start dinner. Their usually isn't too much crying because they have already had my attention pretty much off and on all day. Try this it what works for us.
Its hard being a mom and housekeeper and being the best at both.
Just try to stay calm and believe it or not your kids will. Instead of screaming get down at their level and talk firm and soft. Yes its hard not too scream I know I have been exactly where you are.Lol. just take a deep breath and step outside for about 30 seconds.
It won't be this way forever someday they will be off at collage or married and you will miss hearing those helpless cries.
Your young and I couldn't imagine having 2 babies at 23. I had 1 at 23 and that was hard enough. Just stay strong and love them. You will get through it..




all day.

Cecilia - posted on 12/30/2012

1,380

16

425

if you find yourself yelling at times when it isn't needed tell your kids mommy needs a time out. Put them somewhere they are safe- like a baby gated living room. Go to your room and sit on your bed and take a second.

Also telling the kids we'll color together but in 20 minutes mommy needs you to play by yourself,even if they can't tell time. After 20 minutes go do something quick for yourself, even go get a cup of coffee and sit and drink it.

Find little moments to be alone and collect yourself during the day. I don't seem to have time to do anything until after bedtime. okay even that is a lie, i get some time alone when i put the baby and toddler down. My teens are still up bothering me well into the night. They know after 11 the living room is off limits for hanging out in. I'll admit sometimes i stay up until 1am just because i like the time alone. I get up at 5:30 to wake the teens for school. So staying up late isn't much of an option too often.

My husband doesn't always give me free time i have to force it. I'll tell him i'm running to the store and he says he'll go with me and i'll say no... you stay here with them, i need you to.

Tisa - posted on 12/30/2012

53

26

8

Hi, maybe you need to get out of the house with friends.more? I understand your young and most of your friends don't have kids yet but maybe joining a mothers group that meets once a week would be a good idea. You might make some.new friends. Where do you love? Daycare around here is also $100 per day (Sydney). :-)

Juliana - posted on 12/28/2012

6

0

4

i believe that you are young and like most young mama's you wonder. its perfectly normal but you should leave them at your moms for a week. and have 'me time' and do age appropriate things eat drink hang with the girls meet new people your fine hun dont worry.
=)

Alexis - posted on 12/27/2012

29

0

0

if they have their own room, start getting down a bed time rutien. my parents alway had their alone time at the end of the day, they would put us to bed turn out all the lights and have their alone time in their room while we were younger. me and my husband have been doing this too and it really works! we first got her bed time rutien down so she knows its bed time, when she goes to bed we let her know "you dont have to go to sleep but you can not get out of bed and the light has to stay out", me and my husband then have about 2 hours to ourselfs before bed. if the kids didnt go to sleep, still get them up at the same time every morning, it may take a week or two but thier bodies will sink sleep with that time every night and then they will actually go to sleep at that time, giving you your hard earnd alone time.

Leila - posted on 12/26/2012

7

0

0

Oh, it is normal honey, I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old and sometimes I just want to pull out my hair. It is extremely hard to come from not being a parent and taking advantage of doing everything you want, sleeping, drawing, running etc, to all of a sudden not being able to do anything but feed their needs constantly. I have gained so much weight with my pregnancies and (mind I used to be very athletic and I was always in the mood to draw) I don't have anytime to myself, no time to work out, never in the mood to draw (even if I had time) because being at home 24/7 means you are cooking, picking up, cleaning, doing laundry, changing, feeding, EVERYTHING. It can drive you a little crazy sometimes. When you get stressed out, just sit there and breathee.

Deanna - posted on 12/23/2012

280

32

0

We ALL get like this. If any mother denies it, she is trying to save face. It sounds like the last time you did something as you, was just before the eldest was born. When Daddy gets home, go have a bath. Tell him you need it before you go crazy.
If you have a YMCA near you, many of the centres have a child care right there. Get a membership. While your children and being watched, you get to go exercise. Take a yoga class to de-stress. There are classes where you can bring the kids with you. It would help them and help you. Mind you, this will not be an overnight fix so forget that right now.. Find a Mommy and Me group in your area. If there is none, start one. Go to a church and ask how to start one. Plan events. One thing children need is to get out of the house to do other things. The more you take them out, the easier it becomes. Does the 4 year old got o school?

The way you worded everything, it does sound like you still think you are your own person. You are not. You are now Mommy and wife. Does Daddy help at all? If he offers, TAKE IT!!! Don't worry that something would happen. If it does, it does. You do need to have that hour, 2 hours to be something besides Mommy.

I am also going to suggest some sort of counselling. Not because I think something is going to happen, but to prevent it. Are you a church-going person? Do you have any friends your age with kids? If so, go, get together, have play dates, Mommy dates. If not, start a Mommy and Me group, advertise, you would not believe how many people would come.

Before you do anything with your kids when you are angry, take a deep breath and count backwards from 100. 100, 99, 98, 97...it distracts you from your anger and makes it easier and safer to deal with the issues. You may even find that after a few times, the boys will stop what they are doing. Another thing is too NOT overreact (hard I know, but sometimes necessary). Just go over, separate them and walk away. After a couple times they either learn or get a timeout (huge advocate if they work for you. Each child is different). Time outs are 1 min per year. So, 4 min for 4 year old, 2 for 2 year old.

Good luck!!

Chris - posted on 12/23/2012

32

0

0

I am an older mom that has been active in childcare of other mom's kids. That being said, I have seen all sorts of behavior from kids. For some kids, a simple distraction works. For others, it is being absolutely consistent in what behavior you will accept. If a child repeatedly keeps going back to what you stopped them from, be sure you continue to intercept that behavior no matter how tired/upset you may be. If a child is throwing a tantrum and cannot be distracted, I will sit in a chair and sit the child on the floor next to me. Other than to make sure the child stays put, doesn't have any toy or anything and is not going to hurt themselves by throwing that tantrum, I sit there and "ignore" the child. I tell them when I sit them down that they are going to sit there and that if they want to throw their fit, they can but that until they finish, they will not have my attention. When they settle down, I ask them if they are done. Sometimes they say no and are given more time. Other times they say yes. If they say yes, I then I talk to them about the behavior and why we don't behave that way, find something they recently did to praise them for, give them a hug and tell them I love them and then let them go play. The kids will realize quickly the way that timeout works. I have kids tell me all the time after they are done with their fit (but before I say anything to them), "I done now". Most times that solves the behavior problems for a while. This has been successful with some of the most dihard behavior issues when they do not get consistency on behavior expectations at home.

It is important that you get "me time" and it is also important that you use that "me time" for things you like to do and not as a time to catchup on the household stuff that you did not get done because of the interruptions. You are young and your time to explore and do the things you like was cut short by having your kids. Naturally you are frustrated. The good thing is that you realize this and want to be a good mom to your kids. I believe Tracy was the poster that said to just remember they are little for such a short period of time and then they start becoming more independent. Just be consistent now and your job will be easier as they get older. You are doing a great job. Hang in there.

Janessa - posted on 12/22/2012

289

10

0

Well 1st off no one is a perfect mother, secondly your feelings are pretty normal, especially since you had them at such a young age. You are right though they do need to feel loved and wanted. Prayer has always helped me. God has helped me to have peace and be filled with love and patience for my children. He can do that for you too. But also you should have time for yourself too, every mother needs a little time away to do things for themselves. It isn't selfish, it is necessary, it is kind of like putting on your air mask first on an airplane. I have playgroups, and bookgroups, and I go to as many activities in church as I can. My husband will watch my kids for these things, if a husband and/or boyfriend isn't around, I'm sure as long as it wasn't all the time other family members might be willing to help, or friends you can trust. Even getting a babysitter if you can afford one. Another idea is to switch off with other moms. I do have a personal rule though, I don't do anything with the computer, or read, or watch TV, or anything of that nature when my kids are awake and around. I have quiet time in the middle of the day, in which my oldest is in school, and my other 3 nap. I will do these things sometimes then when I don't have other things that need to be done. I will also do it after they go to bed. I pray you will feel better. Just the fact that you love your children is enough, all of us have room for improvement, and God can help us with that, but also help us to feel good about ourselves. Good-luck

Tracy - posted on 12/21/2012

207

5

2

oh, by the way, one thing that I make SURE I do is to do my very best to recognize when *I* have been overboard in yelling or disciplining. If I go overboard, I make sure to sit my kids down and tell them that I was wrong and I try to not make excuses. "mommy's tired" or "mommy's frustrated" or anything of the kind is an EXCUSE *when you have the ability to lean on someone else to take a break and didn't* (some people don't have anyone to lean on, in that case you just have to figure out a way to take a break without someone else's help). But making sure that you own up to your behavior goes a LONG way. It teaches your kids that you aren't perfect, that self-reflection is necessary, that apologizing when you are wrong is essential - especially as an adult, etc... AND, it helps you realize how much you are doing it. If you find yourself apologizing all the time, then you can address real problems rather than perceiving that it's all the time when it really isn't as often as you FEEL it is. If that makes sense. I hope that helps. I also give my kids permission (as they age and can judge for themselves) to excuse themselves from me when I am crazy. Many times I have told my son "you're best bet is to get away from me for now or else I'll keep yelling". That allows ME a time out, it tells him that mom is recognizing she is out of control, and then when I am calm that is when I go find him and we can COMMUNICATE about the matter - and I can offer my sincere apology. SOOOO often during those times, I realize that my anger isn't really about the subject I was yelling about. It might be something entirely different but I was taking my emotion out on the kids because it was easier to identify anger with the messy toys or childish arguing than it was to recognize the anger associated with lack of money, argument with hubby, my own stubbornness, etc...

Tracy - posted on 12/21/2012

207

5

2

I haven't read the other responses yet, but here's mine. Many people feel this way. Here are some suggestions I can offer you. 1) sounds like you are a stay at home mom, what about finding work? Even if it's part time a couple days per week, it can be a great reprieve. 2) maybe talk to a doctor about depression. 3) and this is the way I try to handle when I get into those moods...try to remember just how short this time in your life (and THEIR lives) really is. With the idea that you won't be having any more kids, your timeline for this to last is MAYBE another 3 or so years. After that, they will be more independent and coordinated that you will be yelling at them to slow down and wait for you. A year or so after that, they will probably be wanting to go hang out with a friend or two. The more they grow, the more time you will have to do what YOU want. I had my son at 17 and every single thing I did was with him and with him in mind. At times I would ask my mom to babysit just so I could go to a movie by myself and not have anyone at me for an hour. He's now 16 in a few weeks and I have to bug him just to spend time with us. I've also now got a three year old daughter and I sometimes feel that way again - just some time without someone touching me, hanging on me, seeking my attention, etc... Yet I try to remember just how fleeting that time was with my son. How by around 6 or 7 he was pretty much unconcerned where I was or what I was doing. I could sit and read a book for an hour or more without anyone looking for me. I cherish every moment with my daughter and don't want her to grow up but also look forward to the time when I can just kick back and do my own thing again. But I know that once that times comes again, this time with my daughter, that I will miss the sound of someone yelling mommy 200+ times a day and always wanting to climb on me.

In the meantime, until the kids grow out of all of this, even if you have to put it on a schedule, tell hubby (or arrange with a family member or friend) that for one simple hour every other day that you get to do whatever you want while they watch the kids. It will make you a better mommy if you take time out FOR mommy. Just because we have kids doesn't mean we stop existing as individuals - no matter HOW much society wants us to believe that.

Stephanie - posted on 12/20/2012

10

10

0

I have been in your situation and some days I am still there. I have three boys 8, 7, and 3(oldest two adhd unmeded). They can be the most helpful and loving bunch you every met one moment and royal terrors the next. I love them dearly but there are times I just can't stand being in the same house with them.

I don't know if it will help you, but what helps me is "Mommy Time-Outs." When I realize that I am just getting angrier and angrier and doing more yelling then was ever called for, I tell the kids Mommy is taking a time-out and they are to work out there problems on there own. Also they are not to disturb me unless it is an emergency(bones sticking out, next death, house burning down, world ending emergency). I then go to my room, close the door(not locked), and have some me time. I read, take a bath, lay on the bed and count the bumps of my popcorn ceiling, etc. For safety reasons I keep an ear open to the kids but for the most part I am relaxing. If dad is home I leave the house and go to the stores I would never dream of entering because of small hands that would grab/brake everything. The point is to take some personal time to refuel yourself. You can't be world's greatest mom by giving everything you have and not filling back up.

It is also good to get with others mom who are in the same boat as you. Have you heard of M.O.P.S.? Mothers Of PreSchoolers. They are other moms who can be a great support system for you and your kids.

You want to enjoy this time in your kids' lives, and you can't do that when you are stressed. So, take some "mommy time" for yourself so you can be that mommy you want to be. And remember it is not an overnight quick fix. It is a journey, one best taken with friends and family by your side(except in those quiet moments you take for yourself). :-)

Ammanda - posted on 12/20/2012

6

58

0

Sounds like to me you need a break i was like that also i have a 2 &4 year old boys get husband ,boyfriend ,family member to watch them so you can have you time ,also i wasnt happy with things in my life,my house,once we moved i seem more relaxed i hope that helps good luck

Bianca - posted on 12/20/2012

8

4

0

It's sounds like you just need a break. They rock! You go back kissing and hugging and loving on them. Also, you are young. It'll get better as you transition more fully into adulthood and mother hood, as long as you stick with that "my kids deserve love and I don't like treating them that way" sentiment, you will get better. You sound like a wonderful mommy that just needs some support and a little bit of fun adult time. Good luck!

Lisa - posted on 12/20/2012

56

4

1

That sounds just like me. I have a boy (4) and girl (almost 3) and I know I yell too much. The best thing for me is to take a break from them. I will make sure they are safe and maybe turn the TV and step right out the front door (I sit against it so I can still hear what is going on inside). Then deep breaths and soak up the sunshine (if it is out!) for 3-5 minutes. I actually do this about every 2-3 hours and it is amazing for destressing (breathing) and mood enhancement (sunshine). Its actually a replacement from my old smoking days, but it honestly relaxes me just as much if not more than doing the same with a cigarette used to do.

As for doing what YOU want to do, I can't really help you there. I used to do all of my stuff after the kids went to bed but my oldest doesn't like to go to sleep anymore so that has kinda gone out the window. The one thing that has helped me is my husband watches the kids Saturday mornings and I have them Sunday morning, so we each get one morning all to ourselves each week.

Megan - posted on 12/20/2012

2

17

0

Sounds to me like you need a break! Let me say I have had those feelings too and I'm sure everyother mom does too!! Take a day or 4 hours to yourself... no hubby!!! To be a good mom..you need to make yourself happy!!!! Ask gma or the hubby to take them out and do what you want for you... no grocery shopping or laundry!!!
A few months ago my hubby and I were both feeling this way...my parents took the kid and we went camping!! It was sooo nice and relaxing...it worked.. I felt like a better mom and wife and I liked myself nore. We made a pact that every week we make time with just the hubby n I... and time with just ourselves... my hubby takes the kid...... I took a book to bed and took a nap it was sooo niice...make time for just you!!! And it will make for a happy mom = happy family. Best of luck mommy!!

Jade - posted on 12/20/2012

1

4

0

Your not a bad mum at all you just have boys lol. I'm a mum to 4 little monkeys two boys aged 9 and 6 and two girls aged 5 and 2. I had my first when I was 16 an had moments when I wanted to go back to doing things I did before my eldest was born. Even now I have days when my friends(who haven't got children) are going on girly holidays etc an I wish I could too but then I take 1 look at my boys wrestling,my 5yr old bathing her "baby" in the sink getting water everywhere an my lil 2 year old drawing on something she shouldn't be an think well they may be lil monsters at times but I wouldn't change it for the world. However much they make me wanna pull my hair out I wouldn't have it any other way.

Distraction has been a life saver for me,especially when I'm trailing them around doinng shopping. I write the older 1s lil shopping lists and draw a few pictures for my youngest so they can help me shop. When we go out for some exercise,my pushchair becomes a raceing car for my lil one and my older kids pretend to be racing cars to an we set a finish line (not to far a head) an see who wins. If that fails we sing silly songs or teach the lil 1 new words or her colours etc.

Its hard work being a parent and everyone has days were they've had enough,no-ones perfect.
Totally worth it though even if the little monkeys turn you grey haha.

As for yelling at your kids,every parent does it sometimes. I find yelling at mine just makes things worse tho so I try distract them and if that doesn't work I ignore them,they soon stop shouting lol. An as for throwing tantrums while where out my eldest two have learned better,last time one of them threw themselves to the floor an started kicking and screaming I got on the floor right next too him an copied him,let's just say that tantrum stopped within the matter of seconds an I got some funny looks but so what,who cares what other people think.

I'm sure you will find your own ways to work things out or maybe I might of gave you a few ideas. Just remember chin up,smile....your a great mummy even if you do lose your cool some times. Take care :) x

Ashley - posted on 12/19/2012

863

2

155

Your guilty parenting i do it too, im in the same situation where i felt like a bad mom bcause i would lose it. I have a 4 year old boy and 1 1/2 year old girl 4 year old sd. When you dont get a break you cant be the mom you want to be every mom needs a break, kids are hard some kids are harder then most my son is really high strung im not, so dealing with him when he has a epasode is realy hard for me. Find a way to get a break i started free councilling and its really helping i also went bac to work it makes things easier and harder lol. I think every mom out there knows how you feel and has been there themselves. Media makes this perfact imag of what they think a mom is, making it imposible for any real mom to live up too. Jst think school lol not sure if your son will go next year or not but preschool is awsome too, not sure the costs in your area though. 100 freaken dollers a day for day care what the hell is that do they feed the kids on gold plates seriusly. Start looking in your newspaper foor moms at home babysitting there rates could be reasnable. I hope things get better for you time time time everything changes in time so look ahead and allow yourself some guilt free mommy time.

Amanda - posted on 12/19/2012

1,675

13

304

I have a 4 yr old boy with ADHD and a 3 yr girl. Both have their moments, and both are home with me and not in daycare or preschool.
I feel like I am loosing my mind most days and wish the men in white coats would come and take me away.

I go to the gym and it has a fantastic creche. It gives me a chance to have time out to do my own thing, exercise, get rid of pent up frustrations and the kids socialise, do craft, play games and have made loads of friends.
Plus I can use it everyday weekday for an hour or so a day and it's cheaper than childcare.
I have made some really good friends who I constantly vent to over a cuppa when I need to.

On a bad day I take myself into mummy time out. I tell the kids I need 5 mins because it's all getting too much and shut myself in my room until I calm down.
We get out and about. We love the park, its the perfect place to wear them out and they can run off all the excess energy they have.
Afternoons after about 2-3pm are quiet time where we settle down for the day. We read books, watch a movie, do a puzzle or play a quiet card game. I need this time as much as they do.

Plan some fun activities for them so they have something to look forward to. We like to take the bikes down to feed the ducks so I say to them if they behave in the morning after lunch we can do it.
Praise any of their good behaviour, they will be so pleased they have impressed you and you are happy with them they will want to do it again.

Set up a playdate with other kids and their mums. That way you have a few other sets of eyes and can relax abit while the kids play.

Eva - posted on 12/19/2012

23

0

5

You may need to "give up" on the active parenting (if being an "active" parent means you lose your cool.) Sometimes I just let it go.... toddler screaming, baby crying, whatever -- they'll live, right now I'm finishing making my coffee in a leisurely fashion.

Give yourself permission not to care so much. To the extent that you don't care about weird stares in public when your kids go nuts.

Is the $100/day a public daycare? I used to live in a major city and that seems beyond excessive. Contact a private home daycare provider, because they can be flexible. Be honest up front about how much you can afford, regardless of their advertised rate.... I don't even know if you have a budget for it. If you can't afford anything, is there any family members you can use for babysitting? Or babysit-exchange with other moms? (Maybe your boys would like having other kids over for a few hours. It might actually be a great distraction for them. And then you'll be repaid with your own freedom later when that parent takes your kids in turn.) Even getting rid of one of them for a few hours allows you to focus on the one left, and everything is more relaxed.

Part of me wonders, when you say you are "highly strung" and that all of these coping techniques "don't work"; I have friends and family members who need to take things like anti-anxiety medication because everyday things create a great deal of stress for them. If you feel you're emotionally on edge over little things every day, you may want to look into this.

As you can probably tell, I'll go everywhere looking for a solution!

Laura - posted on 12/18/2012

7

0

0

All these suggestions are good. But I have tried all and they just simply don't work. A simple stroll with the pram ends in my yelling, one child crying cause they can't find their toy and the other wanting to walk on every ledge while insisting holding my hand. Which I know isn't a big deal, but for me because I am so highly strung can't handle it.
Daycare sucks here cost over 100 a day and my eldest was complaining another boy was hurting him.

Samantha - posted on 12/18/2012

17

0

2

All moms go through this. I have to boys ages 4 and 3 and a daughter 1. Your not a bad mom it's just YOU HAVE BOYS lOl. I know what you are going through. I find myself wanting to hide under a table for a couple hours lOl. Get them dressed and have them play outside while you draw a little bit. While they sleep get on the computer,or get them something like a play computer and have them on theirs while you play on yours. T.v get one for them and have them watch a movie while you watch yours, exercise put them in a stroller and go for a jog.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms