Am I over reacting over my partners behavior?

Amanda - posted on 01/29/2009 ( 47 moms have responded )

185

26

55

Now I know this has nothing to do with Babies but I need some feed back to know if I'm over reacting.. I had my third baby 3 months ago now and am finding it hard to lose my pregnancy weight and feel very self conscious about it, and over the past month now ( but he's never been into it before that and we've been together 9 years now) I've been finding all this Porn that my partner has been downloading. Now this makes me feel like absolute s#@t and I'm so pi!*#d off with him, would any one else feel the same way or am I being stupid? Also how do I confront him about it without looking like a d$#*head? Please Help me!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Helga - posted on 02/03/2009

22

2

0

Hi,



thanks for sharing this. Makes one feel a lot less alone.



First time i caught my hubby was couple months after my daughter's birth, and just like you, i was insecure about my body, how it had changed and it hurt like shit, exactly cause of the lack of confidence, it was like as if he confirmed all my secret fears of having lost my last piece of attractivity.



The sad thing about it, he told me when we met he wasnt doing it EVER, and cause i'd believed him like a dummy and built my whole life on his rock, it wasnt only a slap to my self confidence, also my trust in him broke and it broke really badly. While trying to get it all sorted in myself, i could not bear to be close to him, sure we had sex but no emotional proximity, and so he felt alone too and it eventually happened again, and its like a vicious circle, spiraling way down.



Now actually i lost the baby weight after i stopped breastfeeding, pounds just shed off like nothing. I am sure it will happen to you too. Dunno if you breastfeed, but even if you dont, this is more or less a hormonal change and pretty normal after about 6-9 months, so i read. There is really no sense in trying too hard after 3!! months! I mean of course eating healthy and working out is good but if you dont see and immediate affect, try to look somewhat further. You had 2 children before and got skinny twice again, i dont need to tell you :) So heads up girl! Give yourself time.



And also. It is in my private oppinion the most insensitive thing ever to make your wife feel like this after she just gave you a (1 more) baby. I mean we risk our bodies and partially let them be destroyed so that we can bare their heirs. Least they should offer is UTMOST respect and if it means a bit of discomfort , like lack of actual sex for 6 weeks or some more, then be it. We have all gone without it before.



Sorry this got long. But do talk to him, communication is sooo important. And dont be surprised if he denies it even though you both saw the evidence. They feel ashamed about it, in a good case at least and it is hard to admit when they realize their little fun just hurt the person they really love, badly.



Hope you will sort it out! :) Good luck.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

47 Comments

View replies by

Amanda - posted on 02/03/2009

185

26

55

Thank you Helga, knowing you have felt the same way and don't think I'm being stupid has helped a lot. I actually tried to talk to him this morning about it (trying really hard not to start an argument), but it blew up in my face. He went right off about me going through shit and that if I didn't want to see stuff like that I shouldn't have been snooping and all. I just said that it's my computer too and I was actually looking for photo's of our girls. But he wouldn't have it. I told him that it made me feel like crap cause I'm not happy with my body at the moment and didn't he remember what I was like after my other pregnancies and he just said yeah I suppose. He got the shits and said that if I really wanted him to get rid of them he would but not cause he wanted too, and I asked why they were sooo important and why he was getting so defencive about it but he didn't answer. I told him that it wouldn't worry me so much if I wasn't feeling so insecure about myself and if we had a look together and he kind of understood that thank god and calmed down. So thank you everyone for your replies I appreciate it alot, it helped me feel more comfortable about talking about it all and now it's all done so I thank you all again. Amanda

Amanda - posted on 02/03/2009

185

26

55

Well see, we've done the photo thing and I'm always up for sex so I don't get it, also it was before I was pregnant the third time too so I was skinny. This is all why I'm co confused.

Kristy - posted on 02/02/2009

10

57

1

Sorry your going though this.    I caught my hubby looking at porn before too.   It had nothing to do with me,  we werent having sex as often as he wanted so he was just helping himself out...if you know what I mean....lol.



We took some naughty pictures of ourselves one night when we had a bit too much to drink after a friends wedding and now he looks at those before pleasing himself.      And he likes that WAY better than porn.



 



I know with 4 kids I'm not always up for sex when he is, so I dont mind him having some fun by himself...but I'd rather him be looking at me and thinking of me while doing it,   so the pictures really worked out for us.

Rebekka - posted on 02/02/2009

3

30

0

Just wanted to add something. The thing that men are most attracted to is confidence in a woman. It is really hard to loose baby wieght and to feel fantastic about yourself but there are little things you can do to help. Set up a exercise regiment, watch what you eat and be regular about both. Dont forget that you are beautiful and even if you have some baby wieight that doesnt mean you are unsexy or unnatractive. My opinion about the porn thing is a bit different then most womens. I believe if its a problem for you it shouldnt be in the house or on the computer and that goes in reverse as well. It is harmful not only to the man but the woman as well when she finds it. Hang in there and keep us updated. We all understand how hard it is to find days we feel sexy.

Amanda - posted on 02/01/2009

185

26

55

Quoting Glendeen:



I absolutley agree with the person above!!! I just only wish that I could be that confident!!!






I feel the exact way that Glendeen does I just need to be more confident and comfortable too. I don't know how to talk about sex but my partner does and is very open which makes me more shy about it I think. But talking here has helped a little but I'm not face to face with you all, I can't even talk about it with my close girlfriends it's that bad (me being shy that is), I've got to work the guts up I know otherwise I am going to cause an argument because I just get angrier and angrier cause I'm not sorting it out and I see it all when I look for stuff on our computer ( but he has tried to hide it though). Thank you everyone for your feedback I appreciate it lots.

Ally - posted on 01/31/2009

385

11

16

I personally wouldn't worry about it...my husband and i watch porn together frequently and it can be very fun! use it to your advantage it's especially handy after a long day with the baby and he wants some action and i can just throw a dvd at him and some popcorn and tell him to have a blast haha...Here is a fact...and in my husbands exact words "guys like seeing naked women...especially when they do crazy stuff' lol...and most guys at some point will look at porn...it has nothing to do with how attractive they find you or bc there is anything wrong with your marriage! just be open and talk about it :)

Elisha - posted on 01/30/2009

28

19

2

i agree with trevor "the man" lol and lalena.....my husband and i have 2 children and if you let go of all your insecurities porn can be fun....i watch it with my husband all the time....he doesnt go and sit and watch it alone its more fun together!! you can actually get real porn with pretty good story lines and romanticness lol......or cheesy stuff whatever you feel like that day....i say pick up a romantic porno and surprise him......and by the way i dont think your over reacting i used to be the same way.....i was insecure after i had my children im not really insecure anymore.....the best advice is just talk talk talk to him lol......im sure it has nuthing to do with you, and you feel like its everything to do with you!

Glendeen - posted on 01/30/2009

119

24

2

I absolutley agree with the person above!!! I just only wish that I could be that confident!!!

Glendeen - posted on 01/30/2009

119

24

2

I absolutley agree with the person above!!! I just only wish that I could be that confident!!!

Lalena - posted on 01/30/2009

6

0

0

My hubby has porn and we both watch them together and he does alone i don't see the big deal at all. He most likely thinks your as beautiful as when you met or even more so because of the beautiful children you gave him. The insecurities most likely lie with you. Im sure he's still fully attracted to you. And porn does not mean cheating

Glendeen - posted on 01/30/2009

119

24

2

So my family was the same way and my partmer is the complete opposite. He on the other hand feels open and comfortable talking about sex. I suggest do the opposite as I would do lol .. cuz many ppl in the past have told me that porn is no big deal and whether you like it or not most guys do! And I feel the very same way as you do about it ... so I would probably FREAK and do exactly what you said and get pictures of all these men lol.  Which is so not a good idea. So I think that you should bring it up calmly before you end up leading to that., which would just cause more problems. I would just start by telling him that you were on the computer and you noticed the porn on there and it makes you feel really uncomfortable ... I was probably no help but it is good to know that ppl who understand what you are going through

April - posted on 01/30/2009

18

3

0

Quoting April:

Ok, looking at porn does not mean that he's thinking of someone else when your together. Most men look at porn. Most men i know wouldn't even go near a porn star with a barge pole, its just the fantasy side of it. Even women have fantasies. Just because he's looking at porn doesnt mean he will stray or be unfaithful and i dont think it fair for some of the other mums to have said that, you only had a baby 3 months ago and emotions are still fragile. I think you should talk to him and ask the questions you want the answer too. Just do it nice and calm and you may be ok with the answers. As one of the mums said if any of your girls go on the computer then it will need to be moved. Dont worry, men are strange creatures, he may have been into it in when he was a teenager (he may not admitt to that) and sometimes they just look at it.


My partner has some dvd's and i dont know if he watches them or not, and to be honest it wouldnt really bother me but I've got a slightly different frame of mind then some of the other mums, i was a mechanic for 4 and half years so been around this stuff before, so i dont view it as taboo. As i said before just because he's looking at it doesnt mean anything. I dont think your over-reacting bit i think you need to talk to him about your sex life , i know you said you find this difficult but i think you should try.

April - posted on 01/30/2009

18

3

0

Ok, looking at porn does not mean that he's thinking of someone else when your together. Most men look at porn. Most men i know wouldn't even go near a porn star with a barge pole, its just the fantasy side of it. Even women have fantasies. Just because he's looking at porn doesnt mean he will stray or be unfaithful and i dont think it fair for some of the other mums to have said that, you only had a baby 3 months ago and emotions are still fragile. I think you should talk to him and ask the questions you want the answer too. Just do it nice and calm and you may be ok with the answers. As one of the mums said if any of your girls go on the computer then it will need to be moved. Dont worry, men are strange creatures, he may have been into it in when he was a teenager (he may not admitt to that) and sometimes they just look at it.

Claire - posted on 01/30/2009

6

9

0

your best off talking or else it could lead to more my partner didnt have porn he just cheated instead because after giving birth to r 2nd child id gone of sex cos i was tired n worn out u really u need 2 talk i wouldnt want it to go any further n u go through what ive bn through good luck hun

Tara - posted on 01/29/2009

91

32

14

oh hun I'm so sorry! I'm not sure exactly how I would confront him. But maybe i would just tell him that it hurts your feeelings and babies happen and sometimes it takes awhile to lose the weight. I had my 2nd at the end of June and I'm still trying to lose it. Goodluck hun

Ashley - posted on 01/29/2009

4

1

0

Hey I know where ur coming from. One night I got up at 4 am and went to the living rooms to see porn on the TV and my hubbies hand under a blanket lol. I was 19 at the time and he was 30 and I could not believe he would rather porn than me, I felt betrayed and very crushed that he had to get off to another woman. But I forgot about it and realized I was to blame to, now we have 4 kids and I cannot believe he doesn't have the largest porn collection in the world LOL

Amanda - posted on 01/29/2009

185

26

55

I hate the "he's a man" excuse too, how many blokes would like it if their partner was buying mag's with men with huge penis's or looked at it on the computer, I bet they'd feel a bit insecure about it to, mabey I should do a little of that, lol. I do feel it's a bit like cheating getting off on someone else, I just need to get the guts up and talk to him hey. Thank you everyone for replying to me it's opened my eye's a little to other people's situations and that I'm not alone, feeling like this.

Amanda - posted on 01/29/2009

185

26

55

Thanks Sam it's been good to hear from a man's point of view, I do understand and I did go and get some nice underwear and it seemed to help a little, but I didn't feel attractive at all but it must have been for him. So I don't know mabey I should just work out to get my size 8 figure back and I wont feel so bad about all this.

Allie - posted on 01/29/2009

38

0

14

I've been through this before and it totally sucks. I think it's disrespectful and insensitive. It's lust and in my mind that's wrong. My girl is seven months old and I'm still working on the last few pounds and I feel insecure about it too. After having a long hard talk with my husband...or should I say, several long hard talks with him, he finally understands where I'm coming from. I just try extra hard to feel sexy, like said before me, buying a new bra/panty set or whatever. You feeling good about yourself results in a better relationship...
I too hate the "he's a man" excuse....Come on!

Shannon - posted on 01/29/2009

190

4

7

OK dear, here's the deal. You are NOT over-reacting. Anything that makes you uncomfortable is wrong for the relationship. I know I would feel the same as you.

However, if it makes you feel any better, it is my understanding that men view porn in the same fashion that women view romance novels. A bit of fun and something harmless. I'm not making excuses for him - that doesn't make it right - I'm just explaining his point of view in a way that he might not be capable of.

Best of luck.

Crystal - posted on 01/29/2009

152

19

24

First of all, not all men have porn. Mine doesn't - and there's no way he's hiding it from me, I packed our house by myself when we moved. He was working 14 hours per day, 6-7 days per week just before we moved, so I went thru everything. No porn. It's hard not to flip out, I know, but definately talk to him. I agree that it's the same as cheating. I dated a guy and found his stash in my computer (we didn't even live together and he put it in my computer!!!!!) I lost it when I found it! I found it easiest to start a rational conversation with him by texting him first, and talking later. I was so upset by it that I couldn't trust myself to talk instead of freaking out. It worked for me at the time, although we broke up shortly thereafter (over different issues). Anyway, explain to him that this makes you feel like he's not attracted to you anymore, etc and why you feel that it is disrespectful. Give him a chance to respond, and try to stay calm if you can. He does need to see how much this upsets you!!

Trevor - posted on 01/29/2009

16

1

0

OK girls - I'm a guy and a dad so here are a few things to consider on this one.



1) His watching porn most likely has nothing to do with not wanting to be with you or attracted to you. Most guys at some point go through a porn phase and whilst you may not find it to your liking and as long as he's not obsessing over it - its very normal. There are many reasons he may be doing it....most won't involve being disinterested in you



2) I'd ask him about it. Maybe he'd be willing to talk to you and tell you what it is about it that is turning him on - maybe its something you can do together. If its really not to your liking talk to him about it and make him understand that it does bother you but you want to know why he's looking at it now and not before (ASSUMING HE WASNT)



3) I can tell you are self conscious about your baby weight - that's natural. If you aren't feeling particularly sexy he's probably picking up on it and may not feel comfortable approaching you for sex and is trying to find an outlet



4) The good news is he's still got an active sex drive with 3 kids!! Harness it. Get yourself some new lingerie, outsource the kids for a night and get back into sex with him.



5) if you are conscious about the weight explain that to him. Tell him you want him to look sfter the kids for an hour three days a week so you can excercise. tell him its going to make you feel better about yourself and sexier - he'l love it!



6) he may be embarrassed that you've caught him downloading porn. Tell him its ok but you want to talk about it and don't make him feel like he's a criminal when you bring it up becuase he'll get defensice and the gates will go up. be calm, rational and talk it out.



7) like you he's probably tired and using porn can be a quick way to vent - he may just be being lazy.



MOST of all I promise you its unlikely that he's watching porn just because of your baby weight. Hope this helps.



Sam

Stacey-Marie - posted on 01/29/2009

179

17

13

Just remember porn is not real sex and he is very unlikely to want to be with a porn "star" anyway. They aren't "real girls".



I do think though that your insecurity and inability to open up about sex is leaving him to turn to anything but you.



I think you are over reacting a little, he is probably desperate to be able to talk to about things openly so give him the opportunity - communication is key in relationships.

Crystal - posted on 01/29/2009

43

4

3

By the way we have 4 kids so we are in the same boat as you . . . in a sense. Also maybe you could just throw the trash out and clean up for him . . that would be an opener to get him to pay attention at least :) !!!

Crystal - posted on 01/29/2009

43

4

3

Not sure I can say anything new but I know I wouldn't appreciate it one bit . .. I agree with you about feeling like shit!! My husband and I just sort of went through this . .. he for some reason was downloading nasty pics to his cell phone and on his web page. I was getting upset and tried many ways to tell him how it made me feel when finally I told him he had to get rid of all the pics or else he didn't want me around. I explained to him that most of the women have had implants or some alterations to make them look better. I also said that if he wanted the body of a person who had had no babies then he needed to go elsewhere and we were done.

Needless to say he got rid of all of them and has been alot more sensative toward me. I am sure you understand the insecurities after haveing a baby and the way you body changes . . it is natural and you are still beautiful in many ways. Don't let him get to you but you do need to just flat out talk about it and get it over with!! Good Luck

Kirby - posted on 01/29/2009

1

21

0

Hi darl i think every woman would feel the same way as u! u r not over reacting although it can eventually turn out nasty but u need to say how u feel! U have had three children and the weight will eventually com off if u try real hard and change ur permanent eating habits into good eating all the time! he will most probably get defensive but as i said before it is important to stick up for urself as if u don't know he will always think it is ok to act like that! Men are with woman because they need to be mothered the rest of their lives, they'd never handle it all on their own! u go girl!

Julie - posted on 01/29/2009

91

32

3

I get pissed when my boyfriend/baby's daddy looks at porn.  It does make you feel like sh!t knowing that he looked it up and picked out the other women he wanted to look at.  I feel as if it's mental cheating.  Some woman are ok with it, and I'm just not.  Maybe it's immaturity for me but I understand that it does put a hurting on your self esteem.  Maybe you guys can talk it over and work something out where you can make your own pictures for him to look at when he feels the need and you aren't in the mood?  Ya know what I mean?  But either way he has to know how you feel about it.  You can't keep it bottled up inside and then one day just explode on him...he'll get defensive.  Hopefully you two will come to a compromise.  I don't have to worry about it anymore since we don't have internet at our house...but I bet he'd still be looking if we did!  Maybe you can try blocking the web sites or at least explaing to him that if he is giong to look at that stuff, not to leave all the evidence out in the open for you to stumble upon.

Kathleen - posted on 01/29/2009

1

14

0

Hey sweetie you've probably solved your problem by now but i thought id join in. He is at least insensitive most men no matter how we try and kid ourselves look at other women whether its porn or the daft receptionist at work! This does not give them the right to trample all over us and kick that last bit of self confidence out of us but thats not really what he's trying to do.



Maybe he thinks your not interested? or maybe he's too lazy to try? either way screaming at him will make him run for the teenage boy routine! What you need to do is play him at his own game. Dont say a word just buy some of your own material perhaps something that would niggle at any little issues he may have, then start leaving them lying around. That way he gets too see exactly how it feels without the row!



Maybe try to remember that he doesnt see you the same as the girls in the films men are visually stimulated even they cant help that... doesnt mean he doesnt love you and your lovely kids. Just means he's a man!!



 



take care dont stress about baby weight and men and porn they simply can't help themselves. Get out with your girl friends you will find most have had to deal with this one at some point. Have a good laugh it will do wonders for your self esteem! xx

Stacy - posted on 01/29/2009

23

10

3

One other thing he shouldn't be looking at other women anyways you are beautiful.

Sam - posted on 01/29/2009

6

0

1

i would feel sooo hurt! i also am going through a phase were i feel like crap, my daughter is nearly 3 and after the birth i managed to get back to my size 8s but recently ive piled on the pounds and feel my partner is losing intrest! talk to him and tell him how you feel about this! i did and my insecurities are fading xxxxxx.

Stacy - posted on 01/29/2009

23

10

3

My husband does not look at porn and never has. To me and him we both consider that cheating on your partner. To me its just as bad as another women. Cause I know when there looking at it there not thinking of you there thinking of the person there looking at. And if thats not cheating I don't know what is. I'm a christian and thats why I feel this way. I would def. cofront him about it. It wouldn'tbe ok if you were doing. If you have to explane it to him like that. Flip it on him so that he would understand. This is just how I feel.

Shannon - posted on 01/29/2009

66

21

18

Im with you, drives me nuts! Why the need for the porn? You should let him know how it makes you feel. I would almost suggest to got out and find yourself something that makes you feel sexy( even if it is as simple as a new matching bra and panties).. Surprise him when he gets home to find a wife that feels great and looks great. Remind him, and more important, remind yourself, that you can look just as good or even better than any of those women. Remember that all though he is looking, you are the only one good enough for him to actually touch. How long does a picture of one woman stay for, he probably looses interest once he has seen it before, where as you have been with him for 9 years! Obviously you are his favorite woman to look at :)

Natalie - posted on 01/29/2009

11

24

1

honestly ALL men have porn whether they have been "caught" out or not! it's a man thing, i don't think you have over reacted at all but i wonder whether you have coz you think "oh i've got a bit of baby weight and i'm not attractive anymore?" not the case i bet he loves you either way, he is just like all the other men in the world who like to look at women. and again i'd rather have him look at a magazine than play away, don't worry to much it's normal xx good luck with what you decide to do xx

Nadia - posted on 01/29/2009

28

6

4

I think you should talk to him but i think it is harmless at the end of the day its just a clip, and as for the baby weight it makes me self consious as well but i know my partner loves me for me and im sure your husband is the same with you.

I dont think we will ever understand why guys have to look at pic etc...

Brandis - posted on 01/29/2009

152

19

11

heck no your not over reacting. i was the same way i found a porn downloaded on my husbands phone when i was 7 1/2 months pregnant. talk about one emotional fight. what i would do is sit him down away from the kids (and remind him that you had a baby 3 months ago so you still might be a little emotional) but just tell him how you feel. honestly just be like honey i found your porn and it really hurt my feelings and self esteem to see that. explain that your having trouble losing the weight and if he doesnt like your body being this way then he should watch the kids more so you can have the chance to go to the gym and work out or meet with a nutritionist that could probably help you. you could always use the porn as a motivater kinda just to get in shape not to be slutty-ish

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2009

18

8

1

You aren't overereacting at all.  You gave him three beautiful children so you deserve his attention, not some hussy in a movie.  And remember it took you nine months to put that weight on, give your self some time to lose it!

Shana - posted on 01/29/2009

142

18

35

You're not being silly at all.  Yes, looking at porn is better then actually sleeping with someone else (there's no risks to you), but you still deserve a guy who is going to love you as you are and not be thinking of one of the women on the computer screen every time you are in bed with him.

Amanda - posted on 01/29/2009

185

26

55

That is all so true I would rather him look at porn than cheat on me. Mabey I am being a little silly. Not heaps just a little.

Diane - posted on 01/29/2009

35

16

5

I would be upset too. I think Im self concious about my "baby weight" too,but it would hurt my feelings to think he is getting off on other women.Dont get me wrong Id rather porn than him being out with other women but you need to talk to him about it. It could just be a flook thing but I would still mention it.Be calm about it though.If you approach wrong he could get defensive and it could just start a argument.

Shana - posted on 01/29/2009

142

18

35

You need to sit down with your partner after the girls are in bed and tell him that you "stumbled upon" some porn on the computer.  Ask him what it's from.  He may open up and admit what he has been doing. If the girls get on the computer, you can always say that you don't want them seeing it.  In no way are you over reacting.  Is he still being intimate with you?  One thing you can ask, which will really tell you how he feels is what/who does he see/think about when he is with you.  This should bring him to his knees if he really cares for you and still finds you attractive.

Hailey - posted on 01/29/2009

142

5

15

im goin with charlotte on this one you need to be able to talk, i used to get upset over it but better to find him with porn than another women

Amanda - posted on 01/29/2009

185

26

55

Thanks guys, I know I have to talk to him about it, it's just I was never spoken to about sex (it was taboo in my household growing up) and I still don't know how to, a bit silly I know especially cause I'm a Mum of three daughters that are going to start asking questions soon and I don't want them to turn out like me and not be able to talk about this sort of thing comfortably. I wouldn't want to start an argument over this, just talk but I wanted to know if people thought I should just shut up cause he's a man and men do stuff like that or whether it's ok for me to feel like crap over this?

Charlotte - posted on 01/29/2009

9

8

1

babe i aint been funny but need 2 talk 2 him bout this, i dont think ur over reacting at all, i dont understand how u aint spoken 2 him yet. However dont start avin a go just talk 2 him bout it

Tee - posted on 01/29/2009

14

28

2

Hi hun, i didnt want to read and run. personally i would feel exactly how you are feeling. the only thing you can do is explain exactly how you feel including how you feel about your body especially having not long given birth. ask him out right if it is because he doesnt fancy you or is it something else. some men do it just as a matter of course and it isnt anything to do with their partner. but you need to know why he is all of a sudden doing it, like you said you have been together 9 years so why start now?



i prob havent been much help at all. big hugs though. xxxx

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms