Am i setting myself up for a custody battle?

Lee - posted on 01/03/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I was wondering what would be the ideal thing to do. The father of my son hasn't been there for my kid until he turned one, and when he did started to be in his life he was doing very minimal, clothes buying, telling me to buy the shoes and he'll pay me back, and barely visiting him at all. The father just started visiting more than usual now and my son is 8yrs old now soon to be 9. I lost two jobs because of the jobs budget cuts and they weren't trying to change work hours that fits me, so i quit to be there for my son. I did file child support, it was working untill he claimed he lost his job, but then he calls me to tell me he working under the table. Then he gets married, if you didn't have money or income how could you afford a fancy wedding. Anyhow, i'm not getting child support and the father continues to do nothing but take him once a blue moon.

I just finished school, and im currently looking for a new job, but i have no help from anyone, not from him,or my own family, and i need to get back in the job force, because having no money is not fun. So i came to the conclusion of my son going to stay with his father, but now the father speaks as if he wouldn't return my(our) son, when im ready to have him or when get back on my feet. Hes telling me that if my son does go stay with him he plans on getting a 2bedroom apt, and that his whole life would be different and returning him to me with no problem would not be option. Prior to this situation, he has called to tell me that he wants my son to stay with him so he could be there for him and his gas money prevents him from visiting,which is b.s. to me because he lives there with a wife that works.

Now what i want to know is, am doing wrong by sending my son with his father, am i setting myself up with a custody battle, I don't have evidence to prove that he is working under the table what would be another option, and since now that they are married can i refile a child support case under both of them(is that even possible, someone told me i can file child support and they would be taking money from the wife also). What rights does a person who's not on a birth certificate but took a paternity test has, since we don't live together, as in what say so does he have over his son, how long can he keep him for, and can i show up to his house and take my son back since nothing legally is on paper? And if I cant just go and get him anytime, (which for some reason i don't think i can because I had a male friend wanting to keep his daughter after the mother let her go stay with him for 3 days, and she called the police and they said as long as his name on the birth certificate hes legally able to keep her as long as he wanted, but his sister convinced him to return her, and he did,but never again got to see his daughter at his leisure.) What would be the ideal thing to do if he decided to keep my son from me, what kind of court battle should i file for my son to be with me again and for his father to come and get him on a regular basis, or do i have to prove that hes not suitable to take care for him,which is crazy that i have to go through these things when i was very lenient to him all i told his was be there for your son and i wont file child support,and he wasn't so i proceeded. HELP! PLEASE AND THANK U!

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Elizabeth - posted on 01/04/2012

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I went through a a stiuation some what the same. I had my daughter he wasn't there I got prago again he left. He was not around and not on the birth certif. And I had to take him to court. I did not have custody of my girls even though he never even met the second child. Be advice I could give is take him to court. The judge I had was will to let him see the girls even though he wasn't around. I have a man in my life that has been with me since I was 2 months prago. And my second child only knows him as her dad. But he gave up my girls I told him I wouldn't make him pay support and I wouldn't make him pay $20,000 in back pay for both the girls. Even if u want to travel u need that piece of paper. To protected ur son and urself get that piece of paper so u know when u let ur son go over u will get him back.
I wish u all the best. I know how hard it can be just make sure u fight for ur son.

Natalie - posted on 01/03/2012

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Well I pray that he doesn't act the donkey and try to keep him. You can't change the fact that he's over there now, but you need to start preparing now. If you go to court you may need to have him served which may create a whole new set of issues since he's with him right now. I been thinking about the situation and since he's not on the birth certificate, all the police will be concerned about is whether he's your son's 'legal' father, and without him listed then he doesn't have a pot to piss in right now. Actually if you go to get your son and he denies you of getting him and you call the police, he has to give him back to you or go to jail for kidnapping. The paternity test doesn't mean much if he's still not listed as his father on the birth certificate. I would suggest that you continue with your plan of trying to find a job, and do this as quick as possible. I have seen cases where the mother, father, grandparents etc have gotten custody without the parent even being aware of it. Constantly check newspapers in the legal sections because most states require any legal actions need to be posted for a certain amount of days in the paper. But as it stands right now he cannot take him legally. He could face some jail time for doing so. Just get your life in order so if the courts had to compare they would side with you.

Natalie - posted on 01/03/2012

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Well the first thing I would suggest is to try and find another option rather than allow him to stay with him. I'm in the Army and I have seen that exact scenario happen many times. The problem in this situation lies in the fact that you don't have 'custody' through the court. Right now you are the assumed custodial parent, but until you have court papers stating that you are the sole custodial parent, both of you have equal rights. Now this is NY rules and I know that it can differ from state to state....but many states adopt this exact policy. The fact that he isn't listed on the birth certificate may help slightly in trying to get your son back, but since there's a paternity test and the fact that he took care of him in your temporary absence, he can easily go to the courts and tell them that he wants to be added to the birth certificate since his paternity was proven. What you are considering is a very sticky slope.....being that your not working and he's not either it can go either way. If they find that your ex's home is better equipped for him, and by him being married and having her income they may decide to allow him to stay there permanently and make you pay child support. It also may go against you to try to say that he's unfit to be his custodial parent since you allowed him to live with him. Your best bet is to get as much assistance that you can get through state and local resources until you get back to where you were. Good luck to you and I pray that everything works out great for you and your family!

Natalie - posted on 01/03/2012

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No, because although he is the father according to the paternity test, there's no proof how valid that test. That's why many people go through the court to have a paternity test because it's admissible in court. He can have the test right there when the cops show up, but it's not their jobs to figure out if it's a true document or not. There's many companies that swear to be reputable and court admissible but in fact they aren't. Now he can take that same test to the court and prove to the judge that it's admissible in court (there's a document that goes along with the test). Once the judge is satisfied with that then he will rule that he is to be listed on the child's birth certificate. But that would be months after having to call the police (if that was to happen). Only the courts are concerned with that test....not the police. I would call the family court and the police station in your area in the morning just to be sure, but I'm almost positive that has no merit to officers. The worry about custody papers, and birth certificates. I'm sure that things will work out for you so don't panic too much

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Kay - posted on 01/09/2012

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The ideal thing to do would be whatever is in your son's best interest. If his father can provide a stable loving environment while you are getting on your feet, then the question you have to ask yourself is, as his mother, what am I willing to sacrifice to make sure that my son is taken care of? It probably would lead to a custody battle, so you would want to consider that and the future effects on your child also.

As far as them taking money from his wife--that would be a no. There is no joint income for child support purposes, and honestly, why should she have to support the child that her husband had with someone else? If the tables were reversed, would you want to support your significant other's child from another relationship? Child support is typically determined based on obligation, and you have no hope of proving any obligation for support on her part.

Best of luck!

Mindy - posted on 01/08/2012

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i am in a somewhat similar situation as you. Or I was at one point anyway.. I had to fight with my ex to get him to take our daughter for a weekend, but hen it came time to get her back from the ex, he wouldnt cooperate.I called the police one time, and even though my baby-daddy signed the birth certificate, unless there is something on paper about the father's visitation rights, the mother automatically has full residential custody of this child. If the police are called, and there is no form of written agreement, the father must return the child to the residentila parent, or face jail time for contempt. Thats Ohio law anyway.. You may want to consider talking to an atty about different choices in custody matters. many times, the consultation is free, and you may be lucky to find one who accepts payment plans.. also consider talking to the local juvenile court, a victim's advocate type support group, or a social worker with children;s services.. there are many free agencies that are willing to direct u in the right places, its just a matter of locating one. i am struggling myself to regain full or at least shared custody of my own daughter.. I know i made some violent decisions in the past toward my ex, but i dont think that makes it ok for him, as a prior convicted rapists, to have any real type of custody of my daughter.. Good luck!

Natalie - posted on 01/03/2012

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Anytime! I'm glad that my experiences can help you! Please post again once you get him back! I love this site because you can find out so much info that you may not have found out otherwise! Good luck with this situation and your future endeavors!

Lee - posted on 01/03/2012

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Thanks so much! Natalie your words, prayers and wisdom is soo greatly appreciated.

Lee - posted on 01/03/2012

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You know I think you right, because i don't think the police is going to trip on me as long as i have proof, and birth certificate is legal document. Now what if he kept his results and busted it out the paternity test! I think ill be assed out then. Wouldn't that be considered legal document since child support screened it for us?

Lee - posted on 01/03/2012

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@Natalie thanks for your response. Well he left to his dad house today,literally,when this issue had risen. It looks like court battles arrre coming, it does not look like I have a chance on getting my son back when i want him back. Im going to go file custody on g.p ..a.s.a.p thanks! I live in a house he live in a apartment, i think i have upper hand on that.

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