am I wrong?

[deleted account] ( 113 moms have responded )

I have never left my daughter (5 months) with a babysitter yet. I have left her with family for short periods of time.



My husband talked me into having a date night yesterday, and I agreed to have his father come to our house to watch our daughter and put her to sleep, while we went out for dinner.



I agreed to have HIS father. About 2 hours before he was going to come he said that his girlfriend was going to come as well. I canceled the dinner, because I am not comfortable with his girlfriend being at my house with my daughter, without me.



My reasons for this is because she is VERY loud, a pot smoker, and my daughter is terrified of her. Everytime she is around my daughter she cried and screams her head off. I did not want to come home to a baby who wouldnt sleep and who was crying.



apparently I made the girlfriend cry because I told my father in law to come alone (he has been asking me for months to babysit...so it wasnt like I was asking him just as a favor to me.)



I was told that I am being unreasonable, and my husband said to me "if my dad wants to babysit his granddaughter, and have his girlfriend there, he has every right to." I personally dont agree with this. I said I have NO problem with HIM coming alone, but his girlfriend is not welcome.



Everytime my father in law and his girlfriend come over, she nags him to leave after 30 mins so they can go home (and she can smoke a joint)

I do not trust her around my child (she has 2 kids, one is a drug addict and the other is just mentally unstable)



AM i wrong for telling my father in law that if he wants to babysit she cant come?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jessica - posted on 03/30/2010

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Thats a sticky situation. I have also never left my child with anyone but family. And even my 18 year old sister knows- no friends or bfs over while she is responsible for my child. I think it would be different if your Father-in-law had been clear about his intentions from the begining. But to spring something like that on a new mother (esp since it is his first time babysiiting) is unreasonable. Its probably very hard to explain why you feel the way you do without looking like a crazed,over-protective, cruel person. This is how i dealt with my ex-husbands mother, who also smoked pot on a daily basis around her own infant and teenage son. She also did not have the same understanding on how I wanted my son raised. In the most polite way I could, I explained that I wanted my son raised in a very certain enviroment and I was going to do whatever I had to, for as long as I could to control that enviroment. And that I did not judge her for her life choices but I could not voluntarily and unneccsarily but my child in a position like that. I explained that my infant son was counting on me to make the best choices for him and that a situation involving someone who might possibly be under the influence was not ideal. I told her that anytime she wanted to come to our home to visit or wanted us to come over we would oblige. But no babysitting until she had a life style change. She has not babysat since. Good Luck!

Ashli - posted on 04/01/2010

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remember if you are not comfortable with someone they shouldn't be left alone with them. So I agree with you 100%

[deleted account]

I completely agree with you...I would never leave my 10 month old son with anyone other than my close friends and fam that I trust. You did the right thing =)

Kimberly - posted on 04/01/2010

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No you are not wrong. You are doing what any mother would do if she is uncomfortable with someone besides family watching their kid and your husband should definetly support you on this one.

Tiffany - posted on 04/01/2010

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I have a sister who is a pot smoker (and has a drinking problem) and is always telling me that she will watch our son. I told her flat out no. She was hurt but after I told her the reasons why she understood. Granted she is still upset about it but now she knows why I won't let her. Now if she were to come here she already understands the rules of our house and she follows them here. Maybe if you explained the reasoning then she wouldn't be upset but if her pot is that important that she can't stay long then maybe its a good thing she doesn't want to spend more time there :-)

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113 Comments

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Jamie - posted on 04/02/2010

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You are not wrong. As a mother you have every right to do what you feel is right to ensure the protection and well being of your child. You can't make everyone happy all the time. Keep doing what you are doing. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job!

April - posted on 04/02/2010

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You have every right to not want her to come over. She is your child and your responsibility, not your father in laws. Your husband needs to back you up and tell his father if he wants to watch his grandchild then he will need to do it alone. I am very picky about who i let watch my daughter. I wont let my in-laws watch her and my husband backs me up on it. You just cant be too careful with your child because it only takes one accident to inure them or who knows what else. If you are not comfortable with something trust your instincts!(not only that trust your childs instincts... she is afraid for a reason!)

Jennifer - posted on 04/02/2010

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you are not wrong what so ever this is your child and you want what is best for her. i agree with you 100 % i would have done the same thing. my cousin wants to watch my 11 month old daughter but i wont let her cause she brings her friend with her whome is a brat and i dont trust her what so ever.. well she got mad at me and i really dont care cause thats my daughter ..... good job for doing that!!!!

Amber - posted on 04/02/2010

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I think you are completely justified in your concerns! I didn't let anyone watch my daughter except family until she was almost a year old! I would just tell your husband that you need to be comfortable with thing that pertain to your child, and if you are not he needs to respect that! How would you have enjoyed each other going out thinking the whole time that your little girl is at home hysterical? Hell, I even fought with my own mom about her holding my children because she is a smoker (not pot)! I didn't want my children breathing in all the smoke that is in her clothes! I wish you luck!

Heather - posted on 04/02/2010

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Nope! I would do the same thing in your situation. Her daddy would probably agree though. Why would you want to leave your child in the care of someone who only upsets them? I used to go to a babysitter who was horrible and once my grandma found out how horrible they were, she wouldn't let my mom drop me off there anymore. Actually my boyfriend's friend wanted to see the baby. She wasn't very nice to me before I became pregnant and he knew there was no way she'd ever be able to hold her unless she was nice to me. She asked him if he thought I'd consider being friends with her or at least pretending. I gave her a chance, I'm kind of a sucker sometimes, but she was great. We're both pretty protective, but I've told him that if anyone messes with our little girl, "I'll go all momma bear on them!" Hang in there!

Sarah - posted on 04/02/2010

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You did the right thing! And you are not wrong! You have to follow your heart and instincts when mothering and that is exactly what you did ....stand your ground.....good job!

Chrys - posted on 04/02/2010

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WOW!!!!! So many ALARMS going off @ once....Date night with your husband VERY important! The romance & fire needs to stay in your relationship & a break to be just alone as a couple is healthy.....ALLTHOUGH~ NEVER EVER sacrafic your childs well being for ANYTHING! When youguys married & decided on having children i'm sure you made the desision to ALWAYS put the child 1st! Why go through the pregnacy & raising of a child & the finance it takes to bring them into adulthood if your not going to go through the trouble of PERTECTING THEM!!!!! What your father-n-law chooses to do with his personal life is his private business but when it comes to him being around YOUR kid IT'S YOUR CHOICE!!!! I TOTALLY AGREE with you on this 1! your NOT being unreasonable & your father-n-law does NOT have every right to do what he wants with YOUR child! don't be upset with your husband to terribly much cause it sounds as though he was just excited about yals time alone.....as hard as it maybe plan something special for after the baby falls asleep that the two of you will enjoy.....

Jackie - posted on 04/02/2010

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To add to my earlier post about it being "Womens Intuition" or "Mother's Instinct". Men don't seem to understand it. They don't seem to have that lil voice in their head telling them what to do. (or that feeling in their gut, for that matter)

Janina - posted on 04/02/2010

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i 100% agree with you! this is not about him, his gf or you really... its about your little girl! and if she is scared of this woman then why should she be put through unnecessary grief. no, i am completely with you!!! you are a great mum and well done for saying no! xx

Veronique - posted on 04/02/2010

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I agree with you at a 100%. This is your child and you have all the rights to say who should and shouldn't be around your daughter. Nobody should make you feel uncomfortable when leaving your child. You also say your daughter doesn't like her so why would you allow this women to take care of your angel. NO NO NO you didi the right thing. And also good for you to had have the guts to stand up to your father in law i'm sure it wasn't an easy thing to do.

Sierra - posted on 04/01/2010

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They know very well that she's uncomfortable around your father's girlfriend. who is also a druggie..they're not looking after your daughter's best interests, just doing what THEY want...which is wrong!

Sierra - posted on 04/01/2010

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Nope! Your concern is your child's well-being, not your father's or his girlfriend's wishes or making sure that everyone's happy with your decision. If they honestly cared about your daughter, then they would respect your wishes because they would know you only want what's best for her. They know very well that she's uncomfortable around your father's girlfriend and that she's a druggie, but they don't care...that's wrong.

Camille - posted on 04/01/2010

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i don't think you are wrong at all, i have also been in that situation with my mother. i do think that for the long term you should talk to your father in law or have your boyfriend do it and explain to him your reasonings for not feeling comfortable. see if something changes..if it does than that must show that the girlfriend and father in law care somewhat. if nothing changes than that's just showing you where they stand. actions do speak louder than words.

Crystal - posted on 04/01/2010

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not at all....you did the right thing I would even go as far as to telling the g/f that I didnt want her over my house at all and I would tell my reasons why? God forbid that something happen and the guys in blue show up and she has pot on her, then what!

Justine - posted on 04/01/2010

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not at all! if your not comfortable with someone around your child why put them around them? you wouldnt leave her with a 15 year old you wouldnt trust familys girlfriends i feel can fall into the same catagory! call me nuts but i feel like you know whats best for your kid and no one else if he doesnt understand why thats his problem not yours. Congrats for sticking up for yourself and sticking to your guns.

Christina - posted on 04/01/2010

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I would do the same thing! It is totally reasonable. Why put your child in a situation if they do not need to be. My daughter is 5, she and myself have not talked to her grandfather (from her dads side) in over a year, her dad JUST started talking to him again after this year stint. and before that his dad was threatening to sue him.. he never really was there for him. They lived together but since I have been with my fiance (we got together at the age of 15 and are now 21) it has always been a fend for yourself relationship with him and his parents. Yes, at 15 he had to fend for himself if he wanted something nice. By nice..I mean a pair of shoes for more than $10 and would last more than 6 months. Or new socks more than every 2 or 3 years.. Maybe buy something other than only sweats that are 3 sizes too big on him from the dollar store (NOTHING wrong with cheaper items, but when you buy them and they wear out fast and dont replace them is the issue im getting at). I told my fiance I DO NOT want my daughter around him. I dont want the crap he talks about everybody being talked about in front of her. I want her to know a better life than that. He got mad, I understand why.. but then again I don't. His father threaten to sue him to get back the GIFTS he gave him. low life? It just frustrates me... Sorry for going off on a tangent.. but I understand your point by not wanting someone specific around.. AGAIN I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU!

[deleted account]

NO!!! You may need couple time, but don't don't take it at your baby's expence. If your father-in-law don't like it; he'll have to get over it. Your baby's safety is #1 and if you don't trust her, I wouldn't let her anywhere close if you or her daddy isn't there

Kryss - posted on 04/01/2010

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you are the mom ....and you know whts best i wouldnt let anyone around my kidd at any time that was like that.

Kara - posted on 04/01/2010

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Heck No! You are completely in your right to tell your father in law that his gf can't come over. You're the mom....you carried your daughter for 9 months...enough said! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Misty - posted on 04/01/2010

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No! my son was almost 3 years old before I every left him with any one ,To this day he has never been with anyone but family !Do not let any make you fill bad about protecting your child it your job as a mother!

Brit - posted on 04/01/2010

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there are only 5 people in my life i trust watching my son and only 3 of them can watch him over night. my dad and his wife are not included in those 5. its not anything against anyone else i know its just how they act in their day to day life. how people choose to handle themselves says a lot about how they will handle a child especially one thats not theirs. i think that you are completely in the right here! if the gf cant stick around long enough without needing a fix then there is no reason she needs to be around that child without parent supervision. it says even more about who she is being that her children turned out the way they did.

Lucy - posted on 04/01/2010

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I totally agree with you. Your husband might be feeling the need for couple time and that might be part of why your response is frustrating him. Iwould discuss your feelings about the girlfriend and also acknowledge his needs. If I were you I would start looking for someone you trust to set up a regular date night. Maybe you have a close friend you trust and you could trade off child care once a month so each couple can have a night out. Your protectiveness over your child is totally reasonable and smart, but you need to look into an occasional date night option that you trust so that your husband won't have to call on his dad. Obviously his dad is not a great childcare solution while he is dating this girl.

Good luck!!!!

Desiree - posted on 04/01/2010

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you are not wrong at all for not letting her be around. It is your child and you are protecting her. If more parents were like this the world be a whole lot safer. The only thing I will say is that you do need to get out. I was the EXACT same way!! My daughter is 2 now and it just starting daycare, this week actually. We are doing this because I will be graduating soon and going to work. My point is that my beautiful little girl is WAY too attached to me. I won't say it gets annoying but sometimes I would like to use the bathroom by myself! I would never take back the first 2 years being home with her but I wish I would have let her spend more time with TRUSTED family members. You do need to get out but you need to feel comfortable with who your precious gift is with! It is our jobs as parents to teach and protect our children so good job and you go girl!!

Casey - posted on 04/01/2010

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You are completely right in saying who you do or do not want to watch your child, as well as who is allowed to be there when you are not there (or even when you are there). If you are not comfortable having this woman in your house (especially when you are not there) then your husband should respect your feeling and not push or say that his father has every right to bring his girlfriend there. It's your house, and your child. Both you and your husband should be comfortable with the person watching your child. Even putting aside the fact that his girlfriend does drugs, you still have a right to say who can or cannot watch your child and who they can bring with them to your house. Your FIL should respect your wishes as well and come alone if he wants to watch the baby. Personally, after this incident, I would be wary of letting him (FIL) watch her at all because he may end up just waiting until you leave and then letting the girlfriend come over.

Barbara - posted on 04/01/2010

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You are not wrong! It is your child and you have her best interests at heart. You need to explain to your partner and his father exactly why you took the action you did. Your daughter obviously would not have settled with this woman around and therefore there would have been no point in them coming as you wouldn't have had a good night out due to the worry anyway and you also need to make this clear to all parties concerned.

Alicia - posted on 04/01/2010

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More power to you girl!!! that baby is YOURS and you have every right to pick and chose who is around her!

Esta - posted on 04/01/2010

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I agree, u did the right thing i wouldn't want to leave my children with somebody i new they were scared of and also somebody i didn't know very well! Tell ur husband that the kids come first and that ur sorry if u hurt her feelings but ur just not comfortable leaving your little girl in her care and not to mention the fact that she smokes pot I mean how do u know that she wouldn't spark up around the baby. Good luck, it's always hard when it's about family!!

Stephanie - posted on 04/01/2010

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Not at all! That is your child which means YOU can decide who can and cannot watch your child. I have a 5yr old who still has never been watched by some of her family members simply because I don't trust them. My 7 mo old will be the same way. When you do go out you should be able to relax and enjoy yourself not worry about the safety of your child. I would talk to the father in law and tell him how you feel and why. If he wants to be a part of your daughters life he will have to understand and compromise.

Heather - posted on 04/01/2010

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No you are not wrong when it comes to your daughter. If you do not want someone around her then they have to deal with it. Plus it is your home and so it is even more your decision on who you allow into your home, especially when you are not there. I did not let anyone but family watch my daughter until she was older too. I was always there and I did everything for her. Mainly because my husband was in Iraq and I had no choice. And if your husband wants to argue over whether or not his fathers pot smoking girlfriend comes with him when he watches your daughter, then there is something wrong. Plus, if your daughter does not like the girlfriend, you definately do not want her around because then it will throw off your whole routine. You are not wrong so do not think that you are.

Rebekah - posted on 04/01/2010

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Are you kidding... you're just doing what's best for your daughter. I'm not trying to sound insensitive toward your husband feelings but if YOU don't trust her then that's it, she shouldn't come over. I'm sure you would offer him the same respect if the tables where turned. You are just being a good mom! Keep it up Sandra, follow your instincts and do what makes you the most comfortable :)

Kimmy - posted on 04/01/2010

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I agree with you its your baby and you have the right to determine who can and can not be around her when you are not there.

Brandee - posted on 04/01/2010

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You aren't wrong.. I have not left my child with a babysitter and he is 20 months old.. He stays with a family member during the day and we have only gone on a date night a couple of time since he was born.. When I get off work I don't want anyone to care for my child except me and my husband.. My husband has some friends he hangs out with that I do not approve of because they don't change their behaviors when children are around.. Therefore, he hangs out with his friends and I take care of our child.. I always tell him that I would rather he be home with us, but I am not going to tell him he can't go out.. If you aren't comfortable with someone watching your child or being around your child without your supervision I say you should trust your instincts.

Randall - posted on 04/01/2010

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You are right all the way. If the girl friend of your father in law has smoke on her clothes. Which she probably does with the way she needs to run home to smoke a joint, then the smoke off her clothes could effect your baby. Babies are really sensitive to those type of things.

Amanda - posted on 04/01/2010

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i agree with u if u dont feel comfterable with someone in ur home u have the right to refuse enterance to it .my mom has a bf that does crack and i told her that if she is going to watch my four yr old daughter it id at my house and he is not welcome bc i dont like him or his drinking and drugging

Kirsty - posted on 04/01/2010

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you should never leave your child/ren with anyone u dont feel comfortable with its mothers instinct you are not wrong to say no to her coming round whats to say she wouldnt smoke pot in your house and then try and look after your baby theres no point going out without baby if your not going to enjoy it

Jessica - posted on 04/01/2010

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Absolutely NOT! In my opinion...I wouldn't want anyone like that around my child either. Being a parent is an extreme responsibility and I would not have anyone irresponsible around my kid without my supervision. If it made your Father-in-Law's girlfriend cry, then perhaps she should make some life changes. Personally, I do not think that you are being unreasonable in the very least.

Barbara - posted on 04/01/2010

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Oh no you are 100% right . I would not want that around my child either and your husband should understand and so should your father in law. Whos to say that if you went out and came hok=me she would be smoking in your house. you have the right to speak your mind and I would tell your husband again and I wouuld tell both your father in law nd his girlfriend

[deleted account]

I don't think so. If your baby reacts differently after he has babysat with his girlfriend there, there is something weird going on. You have every right to be protective of your child regardless of who it is. Stand up for what you think is best and explain to your husband. Even if he doesn't understand don't back down if you feel it's right. That feeling in your gut is a mother's intuition and is always correct.

Karen - posted on 04/01/2010

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In no way are you wrong! Mothers know best, and you know when something doesnt feel right. I am same way as far as I have 3 kids, 11, 7, and 3 and the only sitters I have are family. You do what is best for your kids and thats all that matters!

Annie - posted on 04/01/2010

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Oh Mama.... You ARE the MAMA. YOU make the RULES! If someone make you uncomfortable there's a reason why. Stick to your gut!!!!! Don't let people make you feel like you're in the wrong. I'm uber protective of my son. I don't trust anyone except hand full of people (my mom, my husband, and 3-4 close friends), NO in laws! My in laws/ husbands family is beyond disfuctional.

Like i said you're the mama and You make the rules. Good Luck!

Erica - posted on 04/01/2010

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You are not wrong at all. YOU are the one that says who can be around your child. Trust your gut always. Never let anyone, even your husband, talk you into leaving her with someone who you don't feel comfortable with. Good luck!

Shaheen - posted on 04/01/2010

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Your not wrong for feeling like that. I wouldnt want to put ANY of my kids in compromising situations, especially a 5 month old ( and my oldest is 12). You are not being unreasonable at all, your just being a mom, and a GOOD mom at that! Keep up the good work!

Jaime - posted on 04/01/2010

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I wouldn't let her near my babies either. Its our job as mom to protect our kids. You are doing your job. As for getting a babysitter for a night out. I still have a hard time leaving my youngest (10 months) but thats just me. If your father inlaw is willing to do it alone great otherwise ya, get a baby sitter you do fill comfortable with.

Alexandra - posted on 04/01/2010

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Every mom has a little meter that tells her things are safe or unsafe. If you feel someone is a danger to your child there is a reason. Stand your ground simply for the safety of your child. I hope you get to enjoy a date night in the future. Good Luck.

Mary - posted on 04/01/2010

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I don't think you're wrong at all. My husbands parents do not babysit - they've never been alone with my 19 month old. At first it upset my husband, but now he understands even though he wishes things were different.

Bethany - posted on 04/01/2010

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No! You're not wrong! It is your job to protect your baby, and that woman is obviously not a good person for any kids to be around, much less your daughter who is terrified of her. Even if it offends people, you sometimes have to say no for the wellbeing of your children.

Melissa - posted on 04/01/2010

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i wouldnt let her around my baby either. i have a similar situation i won't let my brother-in-law watch my son, and he has a baby a year older than my son. but i let my younger brothers who don't have kids babysit my husband agrees whit my decision. We don't trust his brother with the baby because of the way he and his girlfriend are "raising" there 2 kids. and there is the pot smoking thing too.

Zvikomborero - posted on 04/01/2010

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I din't think you were wrong in any way whatsoever1 Its your baby! Although he is your childs grandfather, its not like you stopped HIM from babysitting. His girlfriend smokes POT, not a good thoing around kids! You even said your daughter gets upset whenever that woman is around her. In this case I say your daughter comes first.
I am very protective of my son, I like to go out and everything as a young mum but i only have 2 people i trust to llook after my son. My dad and my sis, they very rarely babysit coz they r busy too. I may be missing out for now but as long as my son is happy and safe. Talk to this woman as well and let you father-in -law know why u made that decision. Because it seems you don't mind him babysitting you. Hope it all works out!

Carly - posted on 04/01/2010

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Well you are completley RIGHT and don't let anyone tell you different. She is your daughter and if my Hubby tried telling me that his Mother had to babysit because 'she had every right' he would have one rude awakening, but luckily my Hubby wants the best for his Son and doesn't evern trust his own Mother around our baby so he is totally on my side! (My MIL is also a looney tune) I seriously do not blame you for cancelling your dinner, I mean what's more important? You need to sit with your Hub and tell him that if he wants the best for your daughter then people who obviously have the maturity of a 15 year old should not be left responsible of your child. Make it clear you didn't have a baby to pawn her off to anyone that will have her just so you can go out and have a good time! Your her Mother and the fact your feeling like this is a good thing, there are too many people in the word that don't give a crap about their kids and let anyone look after them!

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