Any Single moms? or moms who grew up in one parent homes?

Kayla - posted on 03/22/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

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Ok so I am having kind of a moral delema and I need some motherly input. I am a single mom of my 2 1/2 year old little girl. She is amazing and I couldnt be happier. I am trying to do "the right thing" by her but I am having a hard time with it. Her father and I broke up when she was only 6 months old. He was cheating on me and plus he was completely seperate from our lives. He never took part in her care or played with her or anything. He has recently started a relationship with her when she was about 2 and its been pretty consisent. So anyway I have started seeing my exbf whom which I dated in high school. My ex and my babies dad hate each other so I for see it causing problems if I let the relationship get serious, especially if I moved in with this guy. My daughters father wants me to consider another chance with him for our daughters sake but I just dunno if he has changed enough to think it will be different. My high school bf really makes me happy and I can see him in my future. But in terms of my daughter I feel like my daughter would rather me be with her dad and not this other guy. Do you think it will really effect her emotionally growing up with her parents not together? Will she resent her step dad who ever her will be? Should I ever consider taking my daughters father back after him ruining our family in the first place? I just want her to have the best father even if its not her biological father. I am just having a hard time deciding what is best for her!! Any input would be super!

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Nicole - posted on 03/22/2010

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Kayla, this is definitely tough. I have a BS in psychology and did my senior thesis the year that I was pregnant with my son. Knowing I was going to be a single mom, I looked at a lot of studies dealing with single parents and the impacts of different situations. Here's the big looper: Children growing up with BOTH biological parents tend to be more emotionally stable, have better grades in school, and are less likely to drop out of school. In situations where there is a single mother, or a mother with a man that is not the biological father, the child is more likely to have behavioral problems (more so in boys than girls), more likely to get bad grades, and more likely to drop out of school. And when I read this, I was surprised at the likelihoods even if the mother had a partner, even though not biological to the child. Some of the main reasons for this is the non-biological partner does not show as much affection or give as much attention and time to the child as a biological parent would and the evolutionary fact that men put more resources into their own offspring due to the desire of their genes passing into the next generation.



With that said, studies only show the LIKELIHOOD and CORRELATIONAL effect of situations and they are never definitive. I know that I will never be with my son's biological father, so my goal is to find a partner willing to put in extra time for my son.



In your situation, it really depends on how you feel about each of the guys. If the biological father really is doing well with his daughter and you feel that something may be worked out and you might be happy with him, that may be in the best interest for your daughter. But if you don't feel you would be happy back in a relationship with him, then don't do it. If you're not happy, your daughter won't be happy either and she'll sense stress in your life. If the hs bf shows your daughter attention and does well with her and he makes you the happiest, then go for it!



It's a tough decision and I wish you the best!! :-)

Desirae - posted on 03/30/2010

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This really is a toughy. I don't think being with your daughter's biological father is a good idea. The fact that he's using your daughter's "well-being" as his argument to get back together seem manipulative to me. I don't think it would be good for your daughter to be in a home where her mom is not happy. I'd say go for your high school sweetheart. They will have to learn to get along, and if they care about you and your daughter they will!

Janice - posted on 03/30/2010

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i have 5 sisters and 2 brothers and we wer brought up by our father. every1 of us has stayed in school and have got good grades. it was a bad break up between our mother and father but we didnt no that till we wer all old enough 2 no! im glad that my parents didnt stay together as they werent happy and that would have affected use some time even though they hid it well! if you love the father and think he has changed( which i dont cause once a cheater always a cheater in my opinion) then go for it but dont do it just cause you think it will b better for your daughter cause it aint, it will onli cause heartache for both u and ur daughter. if you love the man you are with, happy with him and your daughter likes him and he likes your daughter then stay with him! i didnt feel nelegected r angry that my parents werent 2gether, i was happy cause i got to spend quality time with both parent separtely and i felt more loved because my father meet ano women and my mother meet ano man so it was like havin 2 fathers and 2 mothers! goodluck with ur decision and hope u make the right choice for you and your daughter. all the best for the furture! xx:D

Kayelei - posted on 03/28/2010

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I grew up in a one parent home and I turned out great! I am a single mother myself....I think you should do whats best for you and your daughter. Being happy with the exbf from high school is a good sign. Dont let your daughters father dictate your life nor your happiness. You can have a civil relationship with him and still be happy with your exbf now that way everyone is still happy...even though they do not care for eachother they need to respect you and your decisions.

Sarah - posted on 03/23/2010

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Honestly consistency is one of the most important things a child can have. I was a single Mom to my daughter since she was six months old. Her Father had all kinds of issues and I wanted her life to be loving and consistent. Here biolocial Father died when she was 2 years old. I know for a younger crowd this is not a popular view but I think moving in with any guy when having a child is a bad idea. If your a single Mom your kids come first. I am in no way saying do not have a dating life because of course you should date and find a man worthy of you and your child. I think nothing can be worse then having kids see multi men in and out of their lives. Everytime you break up with a man especially if you and your child live with them it is like them lossing a father again again. They will lose trust in men and that opens up all kinds of new problems. It takes time and understanding but the right person no matter who you chose will want the best for you and your child. I dated a man for three years and he never even slept over. Now we have been married 3 years have another child together and are pregnant with our third. Truly, life was hard when I was single and waiting and dating three years was hard but SO SO worth it. My daughter never called my husband anything but his name until the day we got married. She was so excited and jumping for joy the day she was able to call him Daddy. He is her Father and nothing could change that. I truly believe if you foster a dating relationship in the rightway the man you end up with can be more then just a step Dad and it will be awesome. Sorry kinda passionate overthis because I love my life but it was a hard road getting here ;-) Good luck with your decision and do not end up with your baby's real father just because he is her biolocial father because you guys need the love and trust.

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Miranda - posted on 08/29/2012

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I'm not sure how qualified I am to give you advice in this, but I will try. I have been a single mom for almost 8 years. The father of my first two kids was my high school sweetheart, and we were on again off again for a few years and just happened to get two kids out of it. He used to come and visit our son, but stopped when I was six months pregnant with my daughter. She is two and has never met him. My son calls my dad "dad". He tells me it's because he doesn't have a dad--words that are beyond the wisdom of a 7-yr-old, in my opinion.



Anyway, regarding your situation-it's none of his darn business who you have a relationship with since he apparently didn't want to commit to you. If you're happy with that other guy then I say go for it. I have given up hope that I will ever find that special someone because every guy I have ever dated has turned out to be a worthless jerk. You are very lucky you found someone. You can explain it to your daughter when she is old enough to understand. Kids have really big hearts, so chances are she'll end up loving both of them, and that's okay.



That's what I think, anyway. You can take it or leave it.

Tarah - posted on 03/28/2010

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I think you need to do what is right for you and your daughter down the road. I grew up in a single parent home with my mother. I will say it didnt have an effect on my until i was older and my father wasnt there for me when it cam to father daughter things. In truth my mother dated several guys when i was younger and she could have had happiness but i never felt the guys were good for her and our way of life. I would say that if i had the chance to go back i would have let her find the happiness she needed.. i thoughtshe needed to be with my father but i wrong as i grew up i realized that she left hime since he cheated on her... he has never stopped cheating on any of the women he has dated and never has remarried.

I am a single mother and in truth i broke up with him because of the same reason... it is a growing problem...i wish it wasnt... He has wanted me to take him back but in truth i feel that it will happen again. I also have reconnected with a friend from High School and he is not happy and to tell you the truth it is about what is going to be best for myself and my son. The guy from high school has a house of his own, a great job for over 3 years now, a car and a life on track... My son's father has not had a job for more than 4 months at a time and to me just doesnt look like he is on a path that will be there for us when we need him... I feel that yes my son needs his father but what is wrong with having two... if his real father cant do things with him then maybe if this other guys will be able to. At this point i have not let this other guy meet my son because i really want to see where things go. If it get to a point that i feel he isnt going to go anywhere i will be happy to but i dont want my son to get attached early. I also have to say it isnt that he dont want to meet my son but i just dont want him to yet.

My son's father is not happy with my choice and talks bad about me to his family ( which i still interact with daily since i feel my son needs to know both sides). I tell then if i could trust him not to hurt me again then maybe but he doesnt act like a man that will be able to take care of us ifwe needed him to and i feel that he will cheat again. If your daughter meets him and likes him then i dont see it being a problem beside your ex just realizing after the fact that you have moved on and that he messed up.

One Piece of Advise Listen to your daughter!!! Children are great judge of people and can tell the good ones from the bad ones!!!! Hope this helps you more

Kayla - posted on 03/28/2010

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OMG thank you guys so much you have no idea how helpful all of your responses have been!!!

Chrystal - posted on 03/24/2010

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wow! great minds think alike! i didnt even finish reading what you said before i started my reply!

Chrystal - posted on 03/24/2010

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Hey, I know how you feel. I grew up with a step father, but luckily he is a great man. I did not even met my biological father until I was 13 years old. We speak, and I harbor no hard feelings towards him as the past is the past. I too, have been a single mother. When my first daughter was born, her father spent a lot of time in jail and when he wasn't in jail, he was cheating on me. I ended the relationship and was a single mother for a long time. I met someone new and he couldnt of treated my daughter better. He spent a lot of time with her, played with her and never once gave me any impression that he was resentful of her. When i became pregnant with my son, i was worried that his feelings for my daughter would change, but they did not. We were together for 7 years, but eventually, things between us fell apart. He is still a big part in my son and daughters life and we are great friends. I am now married and have another daughter. My husband treats my children all the same. He does not have any kind of special treatments for his own biological child, and considers all the children, his. I also felt that I should swallow my happiness so that my children had a father, but my way of thinking was that my children would rather see two happy parents not together, then two parents together, that are not happy. I understand what Nicole is saying, and I have heard that all before. Myself and my brother and sister all finished high school, and I went on to college. Although it took me a while, and a few bad relationships, I did find my own happiness. (so, now that my story is done lol, ill get on with what i wanted to say) I think, that if your bf from high school, cares for your daughter, and is wants to be with you both, then go for it. Do not, take back that guy who cheated on you, trust me, i did it for years, and it gets you nowhere. If your daughters father loves her like he says he does, then he will get over it and deal with it. I found that when i was with my first daughters father, he used her a lot against me, especially when i confronted him about cheating on me. I honestly dont think that you should forget your own happiness. Of course the child(ren) come first, but what good are you to your child if you are not happy? Trust me, the older they get,, the more they notice, and they notice when something is not right more then you think they do. Good luck, and I wish you all the best

Sarah - posted on 03/23/2010

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Oh by the way when I say "you" I do not mean you are doing this or that you are not putting your child first I just mean this in a general sense if you know what I mean. I do not want youto feel like I am attacking or judging you just stating how I feel ;-)

AMBER - posted on 03/23/2010

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From experience, i would have 2 say.."that u have to do what makes you happy and is something secure. (ex has to accept your little girl 100%)" your daughter is to young to resent or dislike. She will enjoy both worlds,if u choice ur high school sweety. Children pick up negativity! So if be true to yourself. Just consistantly reminder her, that u love her. Because my daughter would question me on that from time to time. Now my daughter and fiance are inseperable but it takes time.
Hope I was helpful!

Tiffany - posted on 03/23/2010

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I grew up in a single parent home due to an unfortunate accident that killed my father....I was still extremely happy my whole life...my mother always showed me love, and made me feel special. Now, I have a 7month old whose dad decided to start cheating on me the minute he found out I got pregnant, like he was afraid it was the end of his life. Then, he moved across the country to pursue his dreams leaving me to raise our daughter....I know that my little girl will still know her daddy, but I will also show her as much love as possible and when she sees my happiness, no matter what man might be in my life, she will be happy and well taken care of. In your situation, my opinion would be to go with your heart because if not, your daughter will think that you gave up happiness for her and she might later feel guilty for you thinking you did it to spare her feelings. Her father made the choice to separate the family when he cheated and he doesn't have the right to hold that against you when you finally decide to move on. He will always be her father and no one will take that away, even if someone else treats your little girl well. Hope that made sense and helped some! Good luck!

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i grew up living with my grandma and she was single, then my mom came back for a bit but she was in and out alot so we lived with our dad next, then he remarried but she was crazy and now hes single again raising a 10 year old and my sister still lives at home. he does good with what he has. if your not happy with him kids pick up on it and sense it and they feel either uncomfortable or like somethings not right so they wont really be happy.

Shelby - posted on 03/23/2010

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I agree with Niki! your daughter will be happy as long as you're happy. As for your daughters dad he will just have to respect you're choice. Being together just for the kids never works (i know).
Your daughter might not like her "step dad" at first but she will in time. I hated my own step dad at first but now 12 years later I love him like he was my real father i even named my youngest son after him.
Good luck with everything!

Niki - posted on 03/23/2010

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you need to do what makes you happy, your daughter will be much happier and have a better upbringing if you are in a happy healthy relationship. it doesnt matter at all that your new man isnt her biological father. She can still have a good relationship with her biological father (and get the benefits of having 2 men in her life that lover her!) provided the father has matured a bit and willing to put aside his jelously/possessivness and feeling about your new man for the sake of his daughter. its really important that all of you realises that each relationship here is its own thing and needs to be treated seporatly and issues from one relationship dont need to impact on another relationship (if you follow me?) ie the daughter relationship with her father is seporat from your relationship with him, so even if your angry at each other, it doesnt need to impact on his realtionship with his daughter- you can still pretend to like each other in front of her, and not punish each other by not visiting or restricing access etc etc (same goes for the two men - not fighting or being mean to each other in front of the girl!) good luck

Charmaine - posted on 03/23/2010

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Everyone screws up.. at least he is now man enough to come back and try to work it out... if he can do that then maybe he can/is/will change.. and josslyn is wrong, once a cheater, not always a cheater...
you have to remember no one is perfect we are all human and we all make mistakes...
having her real father will have more positive impact then negative, if and only if you and him actually love each other and want to be together.. if your constantly fighting and all that its bad... but i say you should actually try because you never know what will happen, you will not regret trying but you will regret turning your back on a second chance to be family

Josslyn - posted on 03/23/2010

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I Don't believe they 'change', once a cheat always a cheat, if you current guy treats you and your child with love and respect then keep it that way.

Allow the bio father his visitation rights seens as he is trying to be a part of her life but DO NOT let him destroy your life again, you've been there once and surely don't want to go through that again.

I grew up in a single parent home, I turned out top of my class ( even though I was a rebel) and am emotionally stable and very happy.

All children have their ways of dealing with this type of situation and if you show the support, love and care to your daughter that she needs and show her that the conversational door is always open when she gets older, you will make all the difference.

Ashley - posted on 03/23/2010

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I grew up with just my mom. I talked to my dad maybe 1 or 2 a year. My mom remarried when I was 8 and I had no prob with it. I say do what makes u happy. If u stay with your babby daddy for your daughter and are not happy its not ganna be good for her eather.

Barbora Milena - posted on 03/23/2010

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If the bio father really cares bout ur daughter, for her sake he will have a good relationship with his baby girl n u doesnt matter if u will be single or seein somebody else. And about your daughter - she will be happy as far as you are happy. She needs mama who is happy in her life n bein with someone who loves her n gives her all she needs in a relationship, if you will go back to her dad just cuz of the sake of ur daughter, u will not be happy, the relationship will not work n ur daughter will be in unstable home. As far as datin other guy n movin in with him - thats a big step so think bout it well, would be a big change for ur girl n if you would break up soon after n move out n be alone again, that could harm her...And always keep clear for her who is her bio dad n who is ur partner n never push her to call him daddy, as she knows her real dad.



Im single mama, the babys father walked out on me 6wks before i was due n has never heard from him since...my mum is psycholog n she says as far as there are other male models in the upbringing - grandpa, uncle, cousins etc, the baby should not be affected by not havin a dad at home.

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